The End Is Nigh

‘BIG Brother is like a bad curry – it keeps on repeating on you.

Chicken Tonight

Tonight, we will gleefully swallow the final mouthful as the winner of the 71-day yawnfest is announced.

Will it be Shell? Will it be Jason? Will it be Dan? Or will it be Nadia?

The answer is of course that it will be all of them – they will all get paid thousands of pounds to divulge every last boring detail of their boring lives.

The Star, for instance, has paid Stuart, the long-haired drip who gave chickens a bad name, £100,000 for his story.

This from the Official Big Brother paper, the paper who in its early editions on Thursday led with the story of Shell’s eviction…only to find out that it was Stuart who was getting the boot.

The paper tried to play down its embarrassment, claiming to have been spoofed by its Big Brother sources.

“We can’t be too harsh on them,” a spokesman adds, “because we have got the Stu exclusive ahead of our rivals. The Daily Star has had the last laugh.”

Last laugh! The only person laughing is the inane Stuart, who is getting paid a small fortune for telling the Star readers what he’s been up to for the last 10 weeks. As if we hadn’t seen more than enough of him during that time…’

Posted: 6th, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Jay Walking?

‘WHO will win Big Brother? Who will return to their hometown a hero and secure a slot on This Morning as daytime telly’s official Big Brother expert?

Lanarkshire’s finest

It should be a tough question. There are five housemates left and choosing one from what is in effect the most popular bunch is supposed to test us all.

But since Stu needs a prop to become visible and Shell is as charismatic as one of Stu’s hats and wigs, we have only to chose our winner from three contestants.

And one of them is Dan.

Life is one long catwalk for Dan. And on that runway, Dan looks more like Kate Moss’s dad than a supermodel, as he minces down the catwalk to tell his unruly daughter to wise up and get with programme, girl.

Which leaves Jason and Nadia. And since Nadia is effectively two people in one, votes for her should be halved. And that can only mean that Jason will win.

And that’s what we want, because if there is one person guaranteed to puff out his chest and list winning Big Brother at the very top of his CV, it’s Scotland’s biggest arse.

So please let him win – and in so doing allow him to be humiliated for many years to come.

Come on Lanarkshire, give it up for Big Brother’s Jason.

Oh, the shame…’

Posted: 2nd, August 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Chain Gang

‘SOME of the best minds in Britain – and beyond – have tried and failed. So, now it’s over to you. The task is to come up with a weekly task for the Big Brother housemates that they might actually pass.

Shell tickles Stu’s tonsils

An impossible mission? Maybe. But Anorak readers are a resourceful lot and surely it is not beyond your considerable abilities to come up with something so simple that it’s within the capabilities of the six remaining contestants.

This week’s task looked simple enough – it required the housemates to be chained together in pairs and do everything for each other, including feeding each other, brushing each other’s teeth and applying each other’s make-up.

But it looks as if the Simple Six have failed almost before they have even started, sitting down and feeding themselves at their very first meal.

Needless to say, Geordie bunny boiler Michelle is less than happy that her chicken Stuart is chained up day and night to Shell, while she has to go to bed with balding Scottish beefcake Jason.

“Behave yourself, you,” she said as he disappeared off to bed with his new partner. Or else…’

Posted: 27th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

All Bets Are Off

‘IT’S offcial – the bookies have started paying out on the bet that there would be a live shag on this year’s Big Brother.

Oi, Michelle. Save a bit of room for dessert.

You can debate all you like what went on in Michelle’s dirty den but, since William Hill and his mates are prepared to put their money where the Geordie’s mouth was, any arguments that she and Stu failed to do the big ‘it’ are futile.

British telly’s first live shag officially occurred in the early hours of Monday morning.

Well done to Big Brother for finally achieving the goal it’s been aiming for since series one.

But this success creates a problem and makes us wonder where will the show go next.

The simple answer is for brash Michelle and her dippy Stuart to get down to it in the full glare of the show’s umpteen cameras.

Viewers will be able to choose which camera they want to see the shag from.

“If you’d like to watch Stuart and Michelle shagging each other from Jason’s bedcam, press 1; for Victor’s, press 2; for Dan’s press 3” and so on.

Big Brother will then sell videos of edited out bits, in which Stuart does something interesting with one of his endless props and Michelle enacts a scene to make a Bangkok hostess blush.

And then the only bet to place will be when Big Brother goes off air…permanently.’

Posted: 21st, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Run, Chicken, Run

‘ON the back of each Big Brother contestant’s 15 minutes of fame, their mates get to enjoy 15 seconds in the spotlight as well, sharing with us their insights into the behaviour of the various housemates.

Resistance is futile

Take Stuart, for instance. His friends have been queuing up to explain to the newspapers what is going on between their man and fellow housemate Michelle Bass.

Stuart, we learn from one friend, is a man of very strong morals – which is why he won’t sleep with Michelle in the full glare of the cameras. Things will be different when both are out of the house.

Not so, says another. He is just stringing the would-be glamour model along in order to prolong his stay in the house and will dump her like a hot potato as soon as he gets out.

Rubbish, says a third. He will shag her once and then move on. “It’s nothing personal,” explains the friend on question. “That’s how he is with women.”

Clearly Stuart’s mates don’t know him from Adam. Neither do we, but we do know that if he’s got any sense he won’t stop running from the moment the door to the Big Brother house opens until his dying day.

It’s his only chance of giving the psycho Geordie bunny-boiler the slip…’

Posted: 19th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Naked Ambition

‘SO, Big Brother has now had the housemates in school uniform and then in army gear. Next week, we imagine it will be Doctors & Nurses, followed by some PVC and then rounded off my some S&M role playing.

The role demands nudity

Dismal viewing the show may be for most of us, but somewhere in Elstree the show’s producers are living out their fantasies through the contestants. Is it just us or does anyone else find all this slightly disturbing?

Any pretence that the programme is anything other than a giant peep show has long since evaporated, even if none of the contestants have got balls to do what the producers want and actually shag on camera.

In recent days, we’ve had both Shell and Michelle streaking across the garden, Becki and Nadia licking jam off Michelle’s breasts, Dan and Stu doing similar to Nadia, the girls spanking each other and, of course, more teenaged snogging from Michelle and Stuart.

With six housemates up for eviction this week, is there any chance we can vote all six out?’

Posted: 13th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Get Jay Walking

‘JUST when you thought Becki could not possibly become any less popular, someone had the bright idea of turning her into Posh Spice.

Expel him!

Her chances of surviving the week are now less then those of a plump cow in an Albanian abattoir. And that’s appropriate, because Becki is simply offal (geddit?).

Her only chance of staying in the house beyond Friday’s eviction night is if anyone watching notices Ahmed, the other housemate up for the boot.

And why Ahmed? Why not Jason? Why not Jason? Why not Jason? We ask the questions, but no answer is forthcoming. Why not Jason?

Jason is not up for eviction this week. Indeed, Jason has not been up for eviction any week.

And odder still is the fact that he’s not yet been thrown out. Jason has received two formal warnings from Big Brother. Three and he’s out.

But since discussing nominations is worthy of an official reprimand – and he’s broken this rule on more than 30 occasions – why has he not been chucked out on his ear?

Let’s get rid of Jason. This turgid show is painful to watch at the best of times, but with him around it’s less desirable than, well, Jason.

And we had thought that was impossible…’

Posted: 7th, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Seal Cull

‘LIKE a Canadian with a big club, the British public took their chance to silence Marco’s seal shrieks once and for all as they voted to evict the irritating law student.

The end for Marco?

That means Nadia and Michelle will live to fight another day.

A more irritating bunch of losers it’s hard to imagine, but the biggest dick among them must be the truly loathsome Jason.

Here’s him on the subject of big-titted bisexual Becki – “If she made a move on me, I’d shun her, but to be safe I’d do it politely.”

If she made a move on the balding Scot, she’s need her head examined. And there’s not much chance of that now after he managed to reduce her to tears after complaining about the noise she made blowing her nose.

If there was something up her nose, it was probably a revolting oil slick of a bodybuilder…’

Posted: 2nd, July 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Me, Myself And I

‘ANYONE out there remember Vanessa Nimmo? Sure you do – blonde…fancied herself…South African…got off with Jason?

Nadia’s secret threatens to fall out

Yes, that’s it, now you remember her. Well, forget her because Big Brother has a new girl and she’s called Becki Seddiki.

We know little about Becki with an i as it stands, so let’s give her the benefit of any doubt and just say that she’ll be loud and vacuous.

Thus blessed with the vital elements to thrive within the house, Becki with an i will prove to be more popular than Jason and less popular than Marco.

She’ll out Nadia to the rest of the gang, flash her tits and, as is the way with Leos, tell everyone she is a Leo.

She’ll also tell everyone that she’s a trainee florist and has a degree in psychology.

And she’ll be as bitter as a twisted lemon when she’s voted out in three weeks’ time.

Yes, we give her just three weeks. After that, she’s back to flower arranging.

“RIP Becki” with an i, as it says on her secret file marked “My Wonderful TV Career”. We fear we will see many more of your like again.’

Posted: 28th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Van-ity Case

‘ARE there no mirrors in the Big Brother house? Has Vanessa ever seen her reflection? Do all her friends outside the house look like Nadia in her pre-op days?

Vamessa The Undresser

For some reason, the woman seems to have got it into her vain skull that she is some kind of supermodel, suggesting that if she and bed-partner Shell were an item they would be “the best-looking lesbian gay couple in the world”.

Perhaps – assuming that Vanessa Feltz didn’t get it on with Lisa Riley in the meantime.

The rest of the housemates know it as well – when they had to come up with a statue of their ideal housemate using body parts of the 10 people left in the house, Vanessa’s contribution was…her arms.

Not her face, not her body, not her blonde hair, but her arms. Hardly a ringing endorsement of a woman who clearly thinks that her outstanding beauty is the cause of any – and every – problem she encounters.

Still, she’s lucky to even get her arms included – if Michelle had her way, the statue would have been a spitting image of Stuart, her chicken, her “perfect package”..

The poor Geordie has exhausted her whole gamut of mating rituals – all of which seem to involve chasing the long-haired student around and flashing her breasts at him – and still can’t get him into the sack.

Of course, were it Ness – that “fat, cellulite slag”, as Michelle likes to call her – in pursuit, there would be no way that Stuart could resist.

What man – or woman – could?!’

Posted: 24th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Horror Show

‘IT’S just a jump to the left.

‘Damnit, Janet, I love you’

And then a step to the right. With your hands on your hips, you bring your knees in tight. But it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane…

Let’s throw up in the Big Brother house again…

Oh, damn it, Emma, you did well to escape the mad house, the place where Jason (Rocky), Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Nadia), Riff Raff (Marco), Janet Weiss (Michelle) and Brad Majors (Stuart), Magenta (Vanessa) now call home.

Along with the Transylvanians (Shell, Ahmed and Victor), the entire cast and crew of the rocky Horror Show have assembled.

And if you’re looking for Chris Biggins or Meatloaf, you’ll have to make do with Daniel, who although too tall and too lean to be either does possess all of the Biggins machismo and the Meatloaf sexuality.

But, of course, the true stars of the Rocky Horror Show were ever the audience at home. Invited to sing along with the misfits and freaks, the viewer is transported by a step and a jump to a land removed from reality.

Otherwise known as Elstree….’

Posted: 21st, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

What A Load Of Tits!

‘AS if there weren’t enough tits already on display in the house, Big Brother is fast becoming the world’s most drawn-out wet T-shirt competition as one female contestant after another finds an excuse to take their top off.

The Brains Trust

Of course, in Michelle’s case this is understandable – her appearance on the programme is actually one long audition for a job as a glamour model and we confidently expect her breasts to make a series of public appearances even after she has been evicted.

But the others seem just as obsessed with getting their boobs out purely for the love of the game.

Emma, who is so thick she gives idiots a bad name, has been passing time in the bedsit flashing her tits at the cameras; Shell’s solution to any problem is to take her clothes off; and even Nadia now looks for any excuse to get her man-made mammaries out.

Only Vanessa has kept her puppies under wraps so far, although Jason (whose own breasts are probably bigger than anything the girls have to offer) is doing his best to get himself a private viewing.

Let’s just hope this behaviour isn’t contagious – there are also quite enough pricks on view in the house without Victor, Jason, Nadia et al showing us theirs.’

Posted: 15th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bring Back Benny Hill

‘BRING back Benny Hill. Those are words we at Anorak never thought we’d say. But since we’ve said them once, we’ll say them again: bring back Benny Hill.

‘Oh no! My dress has fallen off yet again!’

So what if he’s dead, just bring him back. Who cares if his Hill’s Angels are a few excess pounds over their fighting weight these days and living in some retirement home for showgirls; dress them for action.

Is Henry McGee still alive? You don’t know? Well, make it your business to know. If you are reading this, Mr McGee, even you are welcome to come back to our screens.

You see, we’ve seen Big Brother, and it’s like watching the end of the Benny Hill Show – the bit where Benny chases the Hill’s Angels around and around with no hope of ever catching any of them – without any of what’s gone before.

There is no build-up in tension, no simmering romance, no jokes; just a chase. And whoever said a chase had an element of thrill contained within it has clearly never seen Michelle at work.

A snail with a false leg could catch the wannabe topless model up, so long as it had a penis. And then why bother chasing, because for a lump of mud, she’ll show you her tits.

And so will Emma. And Nadia. And Shell. And Marco. And Stuart. And Ahmed. But not Vanessa, however much Jason (whose tits we’ve seen) nags her.

And not Dan, who, most likely, has a pendulous pair of massive knockers tucked into his trousers.

Not that we’ll break a sweat trying to see them, though.’

Posted: 11th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Those Pesky Kids

‘IT is the fate of all parents not to know what their kids get up to behind their backs – and, by the sounds of it, the parents of Big Brother’s Michelle Bass are no exception.

Bass instincts

They appear to be genuinely shocked by their rampant daughter’s behaviour after she “did a Jade” with fellow housemate Stuart Wilson.

(“Doing a Jade” is not, as you might suspect, anything to do with kebabs; rather it refers to what tabloid newspapers coyly term “performing a sex act” – and what the rest of the world knows as “giving a blow job”).

In the same way, the parents of the Club 18-30 reps who “did a Jade” on three holidaymakers in the Greek resort of Faliraki sounded stunned that their daughters could have (literally) sunk so low.

Even in the face of video evidence, most prefer to deny the obvious. “Our Nikki wouldn’t do that,” the parents will say, despite pictures of their Nikki on her knees doing exactly that.

What do parents think their kids do when they’re out on the town on a Saturday night? Have a couple of camparis, a dance with a nice young man and then early to bed?

Still, Michelle’s parents might be able to ask her themselves – she’s been nominated along with Ahmed for this week’s eviction. It’ll be interesting to see whether Stuart was one of the four who wanted her out…’

Posted: 8th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dumb & Dumber

‘IF Big Brother achieves nothing else, it is at least a reminder of the continued failings of the British education system.

Shell learns to clap

Jade Goody was lampooned for her complete ignorance of the whereabouts of East Angular, her confusion concerning the footballing skills of Rio De Janeiro and her invention of a whole new language, Portuganese, spoken of course in Spain.

Before her, Helen was the archetypal dizzy blonde, having unfortunately devoted all her attention at school to blinking instead of academic work.

But this sad mob are arguably worse than anything that has gone before.

Kitten is that worst kind of ass – the person who thinks the volume at which they express their opinion is somehow connected with the validity thereof.

Perhaps she should learn that Adolf Hitler wasn’t blown up sometime in the 1930s, as she confidently asserted – although the world would have been much better off if he had.

Michelle’s spelling could literally bring tears to our eyes – SHUGAR and SOSAGE both made an appearance on this week’s shopping list, but the ability to spell is perhaps not important for a woman whose ambition is to become a topless model.

And as for Emma…’

Posted: 4th, June 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

BB Five Goes Mad

‘WHEN Marco paraded before out eyes, we wondered if Friends had really ended.

Getting under our skin already

Was this Rachel, minus the hair but very much with the gauche mannerisms intact, scampering here and there “ohymygodding” as she went?

We wager that it is.

And so it was that the Big Brother cast assembled.

And let’s start with the positive. Firstly, each of the gang looks as though he and she has a personality, a character trait lacking in all of last year’s contestants.

But even among the egos, a few managed to stand out. Marco was one. Kitten was one more.

The Young Ones’ Rick (without the silent ‘P’ – she’s a lesbian), dressed like a student activist from a Viz comic strip, stuck up two fingers to anyone and everyone no less than five times as she flounced into the house.

She’s toast.

As is Jason, who arrived in a G-string in place of conversation. Daniel won’t win because he’s too tall. Victor is too insecure. Shell is too well spoken. Michelle will not do that well but she will get ‘em out in the Star. And at 44, Ahmed is just too old.

From the rest will come the winner. And the early money at Anorak Towers is on Stuart – the one with Rachel Green’s hair…’

Posted: 29th, May 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

House Of Love

‘CELEBRITIES tend to marry other celebrities – and there’s a very good reason for this. Not only does it mean they can give birth to little celebrities, but often it takes one celeb to understand another celeb.

‘You blink!’ ‘No, you blink!’

For instance, had Kym Marsh not known about the fickle nature of fame, how could she have supported husband Jack Ryder as his career prospects sank quicker than Michael Barrymore in a swimathon?

The same is true of Big Brother contestants. They might not have sex in the house, but once the cameras are off the inmates can’t keep their hands off each other.

Sada and Nichola (from BB1) grabbed the headlines for a short while as they enjoyed a lesbian fling. And Tom and Claire (also from BB1) have a baby together, even if they have recently split up.

Paul and Helen (from BB2) may not be the fixture at D-list parties they once were, but they are still together after finding love in the house. Lee and Sophie (from BB3) got married last August.

And drippy Nush dumped her boyfriend for Scott (from BB4), even if their relationship was as short-lived as Helen’s TV career.

As the new contestants are announced on Friday, who will be Cupid’s next victim?’

Posted: 19th, May 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

It Won’t Wash

‘ONE man, one vote. Democracy’s all very well, but some people just cannot be relied upon to exercise their choice in the right way.

‘Best performance on a webcam goes to…’

It is hardly a reassuring thought, for instance, that the same people who have just voted for Jessie Wallace as the Sexiest Woman In Soaps will be allowed the same say as you in next year’s General Election.

As things stand, the only people who are disqualified from electing MPs are the criminal and the insane – although it could easily be argued that voting for Jessie Wallace shows evidence of both.

Further evidence of the absurdity of the British Soap Awards came when EastEnders won the gong for best show despite the fact that of late it has been comfortably more boring than watching non-drying paint dry.

Even the actors, it seems, can’t be bothered with it – you can hardly blame Leslie Grantham for tuning into his webcam when the alternative was having to sit through another scene involving the Ferreiras.’

Posted: 12th, May 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

It’s Too Much!

‘CIRCLE the date in your diary. Set your video timer. And cancel all appointments for the next couple of months – Big Brother 5 goes on air on May 28th.

The residents of the new Big Brother house

We know, you can hardly contain yourself for excitement. How are you going to get through the next three weeks?

Well, we recommend that you tune into the new BBC show, Brassed Off Britain, which will give you the chance to channel your frustration into a rant about the 10 things that supposedly annoy us most.

There are few surprises on the list – junk mail, call centres, estate agents, the railways etc. – although notable by its absence is the surfeit of crap programmes on TV.

But all that’s going to change on May 28th – not only do we say hello to the dozen funsters hoping to make their fortune in the new Big Brother house, but we say goodbye to the six smug New Yorkers who did make their fortune in a Manhattan flat.

Yes, Channel 4 is planning to screen the last ever episode of Friends on the very same night as they screen the first episode of this year’s Big Brother. Can your incontinence pads cope?’

Posted: 4th, May 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sugar Daddy

‘IS Channel 4 being run by Alan Sugar, the man who piled it high and sold it cheap?

It’s original – it was originally Queer Eye For A Straight Guy

If not, then the gruff former chairman of Spurs football club and owner of the Amstrad brand of cheap-and-cheerful electronic good should sue for credit.

After an afternoon of banging out repeats of imported American TV shows (Cheers, Will & Grace, Frasier, Everybody Loves Raymond, ER and Friends), the channel brings us Sex On TV (a show looking at the relationship between TV and sex), Flashers Uncovered (aka Naked Men) and Fairy Godfathers.

This last show is new, although since its shamelessly based on America’s Queer Eye For A Straight Guy, it’s not all that new.

The format (and all new shows on C4 have one of those) sees two gay men try to revamp two unreconstructed married blokes. As one hetero says: “I’m not used to gay, or pooftas, or whatever being in the household”.

He’s used to what he most likely terms “the wife”, a woman who has left him and us at the mercy of Colin and Nick.’

Posted: 29th, April 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Nugget And Chips

‘IS Steve Davis Ian Beale?

‘Oi! Get to the end of the queue!’

Or, rather, was the former world snooker champion the model for the EastEnders character?

That’s the thing with snooker – it allows the mind to whirl. It gives you time to think, to take moments out from a busy life, to contemplate whether or not Davis has ever aspired to run a fish ‘n’ chip shop and be shot.

Tonight, Davis dashes from Albert Square (and how long before Ian thinks of taking over the snooker club?) to nod his head in Sheffield.

Joining him on the particularly nasty banquette is John Parrott, another former world champion.

And Parrott is also a soap legend, looking like a mixture of Brookside’s Ron Dixon and Sinbad, the window cleaner who only washed the middle of the windows.

Meanwhile, on the green baize, the two remaining second-round matches are played out.’

Posted: 26th, April 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Bible Studies

‘THINGS The Bible Doesn’t Tell You – No.324. On the evening of the sixth day, God was so pleased with his progress that he went out and had a few beers to celebrate. And then he had a few more. And then he had a couple of shots…

The perfect hangover cure

Anyway, needless to say, God woke up on the seventh day quite literally with the mother of all hangovers. All his plans for the day – world peace, everlasting life, fat-free chocolate – went out the window.

And he “rested” instead.

Except he didn’t just rest. On the seventh day, God invented snooker – and then proceeded to spend the day in front of the TV with a large bottle of water, a packet of Nurofen and a takeaway pizza.

As it has been since the beginning of time, so it shall be for the next two weeks as the World Championships take place at the Crucible theatre in Sheffield.

The gentle click of balls, the soothing sound of Clive Everton’s voice, the polite ripples of applause, the hour upon hour when nothing really happens. Can anyone really doubt that snooker was the most wondrous of God’s creations? Except of course for beer…’

Posted: 22nd, April 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Foetal Position

‘TV people like nothing better than breaking taboos.

In my womb

We’ve had gay kisses on Coronation Street, incest on Brookside and open and frank mid-morning discussions about anything from bestiality to Hoover abuse.

But no real taboos have been shattered.

The desperate scramble for viewing figures has simply meant that TV executives have just started showing things we never used to see on the box.

Now anything goes so long as it gets watched. And what ER started with its gory close-ups of human insides, Julia Black seeks to move on a little with her show, My Foetus.

Prepare to wince now because Julia is on mission to break down one more so-called taboo. She filmed an abortion, and then with what one imagines to be minimal effort, got Channel 4 to broadcast it.

Even better is the news that Julia has had an abortion and is now pregnant, so affording her a unique right to shove her camera up some woman.

The resulting film is indeed unsettling, but not because we are “pro-choice” or believe in “the right to life”, but because most of us haven’t seen an aborted foetus before.

Just as most of us have never seen Julia’s navel.’

Posted: 20th, April 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Time To Come Clean

‘IF Jon Snow has never really recovered from his gruesome interview with Monica Lewinsky in the wake of the Clinton scandal, in which he asked her “Did he make you tingle?”, Kay Burley will surely one day look back on last night’s interview with Rebecca Loos and hang her head in shame.

Hard to swallow

Journalism frequently requires people to do things of which they are not proud in retrospect (or even at the time), but rarely is someone as publicly demeaned as the Sky presenter was in the hour-long face-to-face with David Beckham’s former PA and lover.

Loos at least got her 30 pieces of silver for her kiss-and-tell, even if she wasn’t honest enough to admit that that was her reason for speaking out.

But whatever Sky pay Burley cannot possibly be enough to persuade her ask such a series of prurient questions (accompanied with that leering and yellow-toothed smile) about Beckham’s sexual prowess.

It is hard to know what was the most nauseating part of a cringeworthy interview, but suffice it to say that we had to leave the room when she started asking Loos to fill in the blanks in the now infamous text messages.

This was just the most grotesque example of a form of confessional TV that Princess Diana started with her famous Panorama interview. It demeans the interviewer, the interviewed and the viewing public. Is it too much to wish that it will be the last?’

Posted: 16th, April 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Becs & Becks

‘GIVEN that Sky are reported to have paid £150,000 for tonight’s interview with Rebecca Loos, they are obviously expecting quite a few of us to tune in to see what David Beckham’s former PA and alleged lover has to say.

What David did

Anyone who has read the papers for the past two weeks might imagine that there is nothing else that could be said about what did or did not happen when Posh’s back was turned.

But Rebecca has been well-rehearsed and is keeping little titbits of information back, supposedly in case Beckham challenges her story in court but in reality to keep the public interested.

For instance, we now know that the England captain has a **** on his **** – and Becs is happy to fill in the blanks if she is ever called on to do so.

That won’t be tonight. Instead, expect a lot of hypocritical cant about how the poor little 26-year-old could no longer continue to live a lie, a lot of cooing over her married lover and a lot of rehashing of what we’ve already read.’

Posted: 15th, April 2004 | In: Celebrities | Comment