The Property Ladder

‘PROPERTY developers are, in essence, estate agents with brains. Consider that statement for a moment and you will begin to realise how rare a breed a good property developer is.

The House Doctor had a long waiting list

Tonight BBC invites us to gaze upon these unicorn-type beings in a series entitled How I Made My Property Fortune. Just like you never hear of a genuinely charming agent, you never hear of a poor developer.

This six-part series, beginning at 8:30 tonight, features self-made millionaires who have made their fortunes by playing the property market.

Since we know that the market has risen sharply in recent years, expect to see lots of smug, plump developers.

These meteoric rises have also meant that many homeowners have made both real and paper fortunes on their property, depending on whether they’ve cashed in on the boom or not.

Each show follows a property tycoon as they buy and sell their way to untold wealth. And don’t they just deserve every penny of it…

‘

Posted: 30th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Reality Unchecked

‘IF you thought that reality TV began and ended with Big Brother, don’t tune into ITV1 tonight which manages to pack its prime-time schedule with more real life than any of us can cope with.

All that remains of decent British TV

In Package Holiday – Undercover at 8pm, reporters expose the fact that crime doesn’t just happen in England, but can happen to holidaymakers in Spain as well.

Half an hour later, we are following the undertakers of FA Albin & Son, a family-run funeral directors from London, who have to cope with the first snow of winter (and the rush of business that provides).

At 9pm, we get to relive Honeymoons From Hell, including one couple who got caught up in a gun battle between police and Tamil Tigers in Sri Lanka and another who felt the full force of Hurricane George as it ripped through the Caribbean.

And from 10.30 onwards we get to follow the police first in Oxford Street as they patrol London’s main shopping thoroughfare looking for pick-pockets and then in Police! as they close in on an armed man in Plymouth.

It almost makes you yearn for Cameron, Ray, Scott and the gang.

‘

Posted: 29th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

V Dull

‘CHANNEL 4 is still pinning its flag to Graham Norton.

If you close your eyes it’s just like seeing Ozzy Osbourne

Tonight’s V Graham Norton show will have a few Big Brother gags, an interview with a celebrity (during which Graham will show his guest a sex toy) and a moment of audience participation.

While not quite reason to shout ‘Come back, Cameron!’ at the top of your lungs, it is enough to make you seek out a good laugh elsewhere.

Thankfully, BBC2 has a show that will make you laugh.

No, not Two Pints of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps – a show so bad even the ‘actors’ perform with their eyes closed and their fingers in their ears – but Dead Ringers.

Jon Culshaw’s mimicry of some of the harder-to-do celebrities is a wonder. He is also given a script that doesn’t rely just on his power of mimicry for laughs but on good jokes.

Culshaw’s Ozzy Osbourne is bettered only by Kevin Connelly’s Iain Duncan Smith. Impersonating IDS is like taking a photo of the invisible man. Connelly deserves our awed respect.

Dead Ringers might even slip in a few Big Brother names. However, if they do, the chances are none of us will notice – apart from Graham Norton?

‘

Posted: 28th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The End Is Nigh

‘BY this time tomorrow, it will all be over – and the three people still watching this fourth series of Big Brother will finally have to get up out of their seats, take a good look at themselves in the mirror and resolve to get a life.

‘Do you think I’d be less boring if I killed myself?’

For some reason, Cameron is the hot favourite to win the show, which tells you all you need to know about the great British public.

When a 32-year-old virgin from the Orkney Islands, whose interests include reading the Bible and doing a very passable John Inman impression, is the most popular housemate, the others need to start worrying.

Even the overexcitable Davina McCall has admitted she is bored by the no-marks in this year’s house – and she would pretty well wet her pants at a book reading by the guy who writes the Yellow Pages.

True to form, the five useless housemates failed their final task – a quiz to determine how well they have got to know each other over the past nine weeks.

When even the contestants couldn’t care less about each other, why the hell should we?

‘

Posted: 25th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Memory Game

‘LAST night Big Brother’s Little Brother asked a really tricky question: ‘Who will you remember most and why?’

Two surprise new housemates

Callers were invited to give their answers on a phone line. Of course, the question should have been: ‘Why will you remember anyone?’ Followed by the qualifier: ‘Remember who?’

Meanwhile, Steph continues to sleep in the boy’s room. Is she afraid of being alone? Come on, Steph, get used to it – it’s either the life of a singleton or life in a commune for you.

But why are those beds in the girl’s room going to waste when there are people sleeping rough on our streets?

It’s a safe wager that the homeless are better looking, more talented and blessed with greater charisma than any of the women who used to dwell in the girls’ room.

It’s a national disgrace. Let them in. Throw open the gates. And if the new arrivals are worried about losing their pitches outside shops and in parks, make the producers of Big Brother keep them warm.

A show could be made of it – something called ‘Just Deserts’. Just a thought…

‘

Posted: 24th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Dork From Ork

‘CAMERON has been wondering whether he’s boring. What could possibly have given him that idea we don’t know, but Ray soon put him straight.

‘I fancy some hamster love’

‘Jesus Chroist man, you’ve been anything but f*****g boring,’ the Oirishman protested. ‘Jesus Chroist!’

Reassured, Cameron was soon listing all the interesting things he had done in the house. ‘Made tea, gone to Africa, made tea, gone to Africa…’

And as if that wasn’t enough, Ray pointed out another fascinating fact. ‘You’re the only Scot to make it to the last week ever. You’ve definitely put Orkney on the map!’

Not a map that anyone wants to buy – but perhaps Cameron will fare better with the book he and Scott are preparing to write about a trip they propose to make around the islands.

Publishing houses are no doubt falling over themselves to sign up the literary duo. After all, if Cameron is anything but boring, what does that say about Scott?

‘

Posted: 23rd, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Right Steph

‘STEPH cut Scott’s hair. Steph cut Cam’s hair. Steph cut Ray’s eyebrow. All that was left to do was to shave Steph’s moustache off.

Jon catches a glimpse of Steph shaving

No-one volunteered to rid Steph of the bushy line beneath her nose. Perhaps she will grow it out and use it to give herself a personality. Well, it worked for Hitler and Stalin.

While we wait for the talking hamster to do something interesting, we got to see the housemates amble around the house all day.

Jon did confess to Big Brother that he is sexually frustrated. We have seen Jon over the last few weeks and imagine that this is a condition he is well used to.

He did decline the option of doing ‘a Ray’, preferring cold showers. Jon could, of course, do a Steph but, what with the moustache, it’s a challenge no man should be made take on.

Meanwhile, Nush was on Big Brother’s Little Brother knocking us bandy with her revelations. For example, if she had her time again, she’d have taken more chocolate into the house.

Shocking stuff.

‘

Posted: 22nd, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Vox Pop

‘IN the final weekly task of the series, the five remaining Big Brother contestants are to be tested on each other’s views on a range of different subjects – political, cultural, social etc.

‘Did I tell you me name’s Ray?’

The inmates will have to speak for at least 10 minutes on subjects chosen for them by Big Brother and then they will be attribute other inmates’ quoted viewpoints to the correct person.

It should be easy enough, given that they all have very defined personalities (or lack thereof) – Ray is Mr Angry, Cameron is Christopher Biggins, Scott is Damon Grant, Steph is Hammy The Hamster and Jon is obviously Mr Tickle.

However, who except Jon will be able to speak for 10 minutes on any subject apart from themselves?

Cameron may possibly get to the 10-minute mark by stringing every word out in that ever-so-annoying way of his. ‘Ooooooooooh, Iiiiiiiiiiiiii saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…’

But unless Ray is allowed to repeat the same word over and over again, he is going to struggle getting to 10 seconds, never mind 10 minutes.

‘

Posted: 21st, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Nush Gets The Push

‘AS we predicted almost a week ago, even her late-in-the-day flirtation with Scott wasn’t enough to keep psycho-hippy Nush in the Big Brother house as two-thirds of the voting public awarded her the order of the boot.

Mr Tickle awaits his turn

And if Scott thinks it’s only a week before he emerges from the house with £70,000 to his name with which to ride off into the sunset with the girl of his dreams, he should think again.

No sooner was she out then drippy Nush told Davina that she didn’t fancy the 27-year-old Scouser. ‘He’s brilliant,’ she said. ‘I want to be his friend for a very long time.’

And she had some pretty devastating opinions about the rest of her housemates. Steph, for instance, was ‘a good girl’ and Ray was ‘a good man’.

But what about Jon? While all Scott could think to say about the departing muesli-eater was that he would miss her ‘uniqueness’, Mr Tickle was far more eloquent.

‘She’s very bright and vivacous, and honest with her feelings,’ he said. ‘She always thinks to laugh first rather than be negative. Very caring, very genuine, fun. She’s a very nice girl.

‘Were I to list the qualities I were to look for in a girl, she would have the majority of them, the vast majority of them.’

Science Boy meets Hippy Girl – it really doesn’t bear thinking about…

‘

Posted: 19th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sting Ray

‘STEPH and Ray have had it out. No, not the £50,000 ‘it’, but a fighting it.

‘Make them shut up, make them go away!’

‘Obviously you take it to heart that you weren’t the man chosen by the women,’ said the talking hamster to Ray. ‘If push comes to shove, it wouldn’t be you.’

This is Steph talking, the woman who cried her heart out because Nush is more fanciable than her.

How she’d weep if she knew Jon is more fanciable than her. Hell, the mop in the kitchen is more sexually alluring than her.

Steph is clearly jealous of Nush. Jealously is a terrible thing – and even more terrible when you’re jealous of Nush.

The row ended with Ray storming out into the garden and calling Steph a bitch.

Next morning Ray had calmed down. ‘Do you ever regret sometimes what you’ve said and done the morning after?’ he asked Cameron.

Ray does – which is a shame, since his views were pretty much on the money.

‘

Posted: 18th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Thin Lady Speaks

‘NUSH is up for eviction tomorrow – which would of course have absolutely nothing to do with why she has picked now to declare her love for Scott, telling him she wants them to stay together for ever.

‘It’s not very big, is it?’

Or at least until next Friday, when the winner of the £70,000 is announced.

The psycho-hippy has an unnerving way of talking about herself in the third person, previously the domain of megalomaniacs and Italian footballers.

‘Uh-oh, she’s getting drunk,’ she giggled last night, giving the audience a running commentary as she and Scott sat out under the stars.

Her heart may not be broken if she does get thrown out tomorrow, but it’s about the only part of Nush that will emerge from the house unscathed as she added a cut foot to her list of injuries.

Earlier, the housemates had passed their opera task – even without Gos, the house Pavarotti – and now have £90 for the last week’s food.

But there is an expression in opera – ‘it ain’t over until the fat lady sings’. So expect an appearance from Justine during next weekend’s finale.

‘

Posted: 17th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Biggins & Drip

‘CAMERON and Nush. Nush and Cameron. Biggins and Drip. Drip and Biggins.

Damp or camp?

Whichever way you write it, the two housemates up for eviction this week fail to inspire. It was the best of Nush, it was the worst of Nush. Call me Cameron.

Nah, still doesn’t work.

There is something so lacking in either of them that getting an audience to stay with them, to dig in and reap long-term benefits is hard graft.

After nine weeks, we can only say that Cam has at least changed in some way. While he’s become some effete media luvvie (even his shortened name is a piece of TV kit), Nush has just become morose.

In the diary room, they voted for each other’s eviction. Cam, as he must now be known, also voted for Ray, who he says is a ‘rat’. Nush plumped for Steph.

Ray chose Nush and Cam. Scott went for Steph and Cam. And Steph went for Nush and Scott.

The watching world, meanwhile, went for something to drink, a kebab and a video of Big Brother III…

‘

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Nush On Her Tush

‘NUSH has had a bad time of it recently – she has been dumped by her boyfriend for nothing more than a drunken peck with Scott, she has been branded a dud in bed by another ex-boyfriend and now she is staring down the barrel of eviction.

A vegetarian bunny boiler

She only needs to come out of the house and find a global muesli shortage and we fear there could be a tantrum from the 23-year-old psycho-hippy chick.

If Cameron and Steph stay true to their colours, we can expect them to opt again for Nush and Ray.

That pretty well means that both of them will be up for the chop on Friday unless Ray, Nush and Scott all vote for the other two.

In fact, Scott is the only housemate who can breathe easily this week – the last time one of the surviving housemates voted for him was in Week 2 when Steph nominated him for eviction.

Of course, Nush’s ‘won’t she, won’t she’ flirting with Scott may yet save her, but most viewers surely know by now that Scott’s got more chance of getting his leg over the Eiffel Tower than the yoga fanatic from Redditch.

‘

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Scott’s Den

‘ON Saturday night, Ray won the bingo challenge. So painfully boring was it that the producers of the Big Brother show reconvened in their new offices at Elstree DSS and decided to do it all again.

‘Scott’s IQ, Number Two…’

When Ray won on Saturday he was offered a reward and then asked with whom he’d like to share it.

Minutes later he was in the Reward Room with Cameron, sat on a pink duvet, listening to soft music and sipping champagne.

So to take two, and Scott’s turn to shout ‘House!’. Ray was the bingo caller, and when he announced number 55, Scott’s mouth began to work.

It was nothing short of a miracle. Scott, the deaf and dumb Scouser, had discovered the power of speech. And the second word he said was ‘Nush’.

The pair where soon secured in the Reward Room. Surely now they would get it on, bag the £50,000 prize and become the first Big Brother lovers.

The thing is they didn’t. Sure, they might have got it on when no-one was looking – and in this series of Big Brother that must happen with increasing frequency.

But if they did, Nush isn’t letting on. And Scott…well, he, isn’t talking…

‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Last Man Standing

‘BOOKIES are apparently so sure that Lisa will get the bullet that they have paid out to people betting that it will be the Welsh she-man who gets evicted tonight.

Lisa’s not a bad bloke once who get to know her

But the 35-year-old is not going without a fight – having a go at her fellow housemates who have ostracised her over the past couple of days.

‘I’m very intelligent, I’m amazingly strong,’ she told them. ‘Believe you me, I’m very much respected in the place I live in. I’ve done things that most of you won’t do for another 10 years.’

Meanwhile, Scott and Nush have ensured their survival for a couple more weeks by some Olympic-standard flirting as both of them admitted to fancying the other.

However, in the cold light of day Nush is playing it coy, claiming not to remember key parts of the previous evening’s entertainment.

Given the speed with which their relationship is moving, expect the couple finally to get it together sometime during Big Brother 15…

‘

Posted: 11th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Fool And His Money

‘RAY was the man who bet on red and it came in black. Ray is the one who gambled on the numbers that did not come in.

Stay out of the black and into the red, you get 50 grand in this game for two in a bed

Ray is the man who put the entire household’s basic budget of £51 on the roulette table and lost the lot.

Well, nearly the lot because for some reason Ray but £1 on black. This means that Ray doubled his stake when it came in.

Which makes you wonder what you can get for £2 these days.

Judging by the way this year’s Big Brother is going and the calibre of contestants chosen, you could hire yourself the entire BB production team as soon as this year’s winner is announced.

As it was, Ray and his mates ordered one toilet roll, tins of tomatoes, a tin of sweetcorn and two carrots.

Given the paucity of food, the toilet roll could well be surplus to requirements. But this is Big Brother IV, and where there’s roll, there’s…

‘

Posted: 10th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Psychic Babble

‘TO the amazement of absolutely no-one and as we predicted a couple of days ago, head-of-house Ray has stuck to his previous form and nominated Cameron and Steph for eviction, as well as new girl Lisa.

‘Get ‘im out!’

Immediately, the bookies made the Welsh she-man a red-hot favourite for eviction, with Ladbrokes offering odds of 1-20 on her going – making her an even hotter certainty for the chop than Tania.

As we said, Scott was always going to be safe with his mate Ray doing the choosing, but Nush (who was nominated by Ray last week) saved her bacon with some clever flirting.

Psychic Lisa had, of course, anticipated which three housemates would be nominated. ‘I guessed the three to be honest with you,’ she said. ‘I had it in my mind.’

Seeing as she has managed to get on everyone’s nerves since she entered the house last week, she hardly needed to be Mystic Meg to know that her name would come up yesterday.

But still she managed to rationalise it, claiming that the reason she and Cameron are up for eviction is because they were immune last week.

And not because no-one can stand her…

‘

Posted: 9th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Camp Cam

‘THE one person who seems to have been changed by his time in the Big Brother house is Cameron.

Ray tries to count up to three

The shy, coy lad from Scotland’s outer reaches has mutated into this camp, effete roly-poly luvvie called Cam.

We’ve been calling him John Inman of late, but he’s only a pair of over-sized frames away from Chris Biggins.

It might be that Cam is the one who goes on to be a TV star. If Orkney regional television is looking for a new face, it need look no further than Cam.

While Cam turns into something pretty horrible, Ray is weeping about being Head of House

The Irishman told Cam that he had shed a few tears over his having to choose three people to go up for nomination.

Three from six – and one of them, presumably, not being Ray – should be easy enough. Just choose the ones you never want to see again.

On second thoughts it is tricky – the two you don’t pick will think you like them. Over to you, Ray…

‘

Posted: 8th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sting Ray

‘RAY’S elevation to head of the Big Brother house is good news for one housemate – Scott. He has never been nominated by the Irishman and, unless there is a dramatic falling-out, is likely to escape the chop again this week.

Pub bores

One of Ray’s duties as head of house is to choose three housemates for eviction.

He nominated Nush last week, Steph the week before and Cameron for the two weeks prior to that, it seems likely that two of them at least could be up for the public vote.

Yesterday, five of the remaining six housemates were able to enjoy the use of an Irish themed pub as, with the exception of Cameron, they spent the day nipping in and out of the reward room.

The pub will even stay open until midnight every night until Wednesday – more generous licensing hours than on the outside.

With no Gos anymore to cook the food, we foresee a liquid diet for the next couple of days.

‘

Posted: 7th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Thank You And Goodnight

‘JULY 4th! Hurray for Independence Day. Today we will be rid of one of Gos, Nush or Ray.

Lisa’s impression of a wet lettuce was frighteningly accurate

We will, however, be left with the rest. Although Lisa thinks she could stand in for all of them.

‘You’ve all got your own really sweet little traits,’ said Lisa. ‘I can mimic all of you and I think it’s hysterical.’

Given that the group have few visible signs of life, Lisa must have a sharp eye for an impression.

But Lisa, as we say, is a self-proclaimed great mimic, and she wanted to prove it.

So she did an impression of each one of her housemates, an imitation that went as far as their accents and no further.

Were these bad impressions? Or were Lisa’s takes gems of wry comedy in which the Welsh lass Lisa distilled the only essential difference between each housemate into a stereotypical accent.

We are not sure. But there’s lovely, Lisa. Diolch Yn Fawr and Bore Da.

‘

Posted: 4th, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Eviction Conviction

‘THE housemates may have been told off for giving trivial reasons for their nominations, but it’s clear that feelings run a bit deeper than how much tomato sauce each person squeezes on their dinner.

Lisa and friends

Gos, Nush and Steph all chose exactly the same combination of housemates for eviction as last week – and Cameron and Scott probably both would have done had last week’s pick Tania not already got the boot.

With Cameron and Lisa immune from eviction this week, Scott has emerged as the big winner – for the first time this week, he didn’t attract a single vote. And that is bad news for Steph, who is Scott’s bete noire. He has nominated her in four of the last five weeks.

As for Lisa, she is proving as popular with the fellow housemates as a bacon sandwich at a bar mitzvah – especially after blaming them for getting her into trouble with Big Brother.

‘I could have kicked her backside and told her to shut up,’ said Cameron, who instead contented himself with bitching about her to the others.

Bet on Lisa getting the bullet next week at the first time of asking.

‘

Posted: 3rd, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Ray Of Hope

‘NOMINATIONS. Nominations. Nominations. So good they named them thrice. The three no-marks up for eviction this week are Gos, Nush and Ray.

Another gripping Big Brother moment

It’s a tough job choosing which housemate to nominate. What with Steph and Scott’s invisibility, even spotting who is left in the house is a job rife with problems.

And now for the really odd bit – Ray is delighted to be up for eviction. ‘Davina will be calling out my name. My family and friends will be coming down on Friday. Excellent,’ he screamed.

Let us not forget that this is a competition. The best loved or most tolerable competitor is to be given £70,000 and the chance to dine out on the title for months.

So why is Ray, like Tania and Federico before him, so keen to leave? And listen to Gos. ‘I’ve got a big smile on my face,’ he said upon hearing his name read aloud.

The rats are keen to leave the sinking ship. But the treasure will not go down with the boat. Someone has to win the star prize.

And the big prize, despite the best protestations of Ray and Gos, is not the chance to be called unpopular and to make the walk of shame. It’s hard cash.

Or easy money, if you will…

‘

Posted: 2nd, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

A Damp Squib

‘THE arrival of new housemate Lisa to shake up the Big Brother house has had all the effect of striking a match underwater.

‘You’d better run, you’d better take cover’

‘I’m as mad as a hatter,’ she told Steph as they listened to passing planes in the garden. ‘I’m a lot more bubbly than any of you have seen.’

Having failed to impress Steph, she tried Scott. ‘I bet you think I’m mad, don’t you?’ she asked after professing to possess psychic powers. ‘No,’ he replied – as she no doubt already knew he would.

In fact, the only horseplay going on in the house comes courtesy of the housemates’ latest task which involves them learning how to tack a horse and completing a show-jumping course.

While Anouska, the only British housemate with a semblance of a personality, is on her way Down Under to liven up the Big Brother Australia house, we get the human equivalent of a tin of slow-drying paint.

But we can report the sensational news that the housemates enjoyed cottage pie for dinner last night…

‘

Posted: 1st, July 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Fresh Blood

‘GIVEN the absurd comings and goings in the Big Brother house, you half expect Federico to emerge from the shower to tell Nush and Steph that it has all been a terrible dream.

Man about the house

The level of desperation that drove the show’s producer to export Cameron and then, sadly, bring him back again, has now created a new housemate from thin air.

Step forward, Welsh lass, Lisa.

Thinking how Lisa must have known for some time that she would one-day enter the house, you’d expect her to have been an avid viewer. Think again.

”You have no idea how bizarre this feels,” said Lisa to her new mates after few glasses of plonk. ”I have been sort of watching.”

”Sort of watching”! Like ”sort of” being interested. Like ”sort of” but not really. This is tragic stuff.

It’s high time someone sorted this lot out. Bring in the squatters…

‘

Posted: 30th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Walking Back To Happiness

‘TANIA was out-of-sorts yesterday – she must have broken a fingernail or run out of blusher – and she has decided that she wants to leave the Big Brother house tonight.

With so much heavy make-up, Tania was worried that her head would soon fall off

Her wish is almost certain to come true, with the British public (or, at least, that proportion of the British public who have not fallen into a zombie-like trance watching the show) expected to vote for her in record numbers.

”I feel like I don’t fit in any more,” the shop assistant said. ”I feel like I want to hear my name tomorrow. I feel I have to exaggerate me, exaggerate Tania, for anyone to pay attention. And I hate that. That makes me sick.”

What could she mean? Could this be the reason why she plucks her eyebrows 176 times a day and spends 90% of her waking hours applying make-up?

She’s even managed to bore herself, pleading with a camera in the girls’ bedroom to leave her alone. ”Don’t look at me cos I’m boring, okay,” she snapped. Don’t worry, love – most of us stopped looking about five weeks ago.

Gae must be counting his lucky stars as he flies back to South Africa…

‘

Posted: 27th, June 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment