Celebrities

Char Down

‘LOOKING at the awfulness of How Clean Is Your House (C4 8:30), you have to wonder what shows fail to make it past the pitch stage.

The charlady’s one-woman show was a knock-out

How bad must they be for this eight-part programme about a charlady who cleans up other people’s waste to be made? And what on earth is on cable television at this time? Decorating With Pasta Shapes?

Channel 4 clearly believes that anything about the house makes good telly. There are shows about painting houses, buying houses, moving houses and building houses. So why not one about cleaning them?

The show might have been sold under the label ”too clever by ‘alf”, where rubbish television shows us rubbish on television? Ah, the genius of it all.

Alternatively it might just be rubbish without any frills.

Housekeeper Kim Woodburn does her best to give it the Hyacinth Bucket slant, but this show, like her on too many occasions, misses a bit.

‘

Posted: 21st, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

‘BY rights, Heather Mills should be the darling of the British press – the glamour model who lost a leg, picked herself up and campaigned tirelessly for landmine victims before falling in love and marrying the most famous British pop star of them all, Sir Paul McCartney.

Paul and Heather always won the three-legged race

She claims that it was her marriage to McCartney that was the turning point in her relationship with the press, blaming the ‘tall poppy’ syndrome for the bad coverage she has received in the last couple of years.

But there is more to it than that – as tonight’s Tabloid Tales demonstrates. Publicly at least, Heather Mills isn’t particularly easy to like, and rumours of a feud between her and her step-children are only too believable.

She has also been one of many people who have found that trying to use the press to her advantage (as she did in the aftermath of her accident and has done ever since) is like dining with the devil.

The trouble was she didn’t bring a long enough spoon.

‘

Posted: 20th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Good Tory Wife

‘LIKE those moments in soap operas when a new name is mentioned, you know that any show entitled Mary Archer: My Life With Jeffrey (C4 9pm) will be soon followed by a sighting of the lag.

”He’s a prince among men – in fact, he’s first in line to the the throne,” says Mary

In the meantime, we make do with Mary, the famously ”fragrant” wife, the woman who stood by her man in true Tammy Wynette style – while he cheated.

We know what Jeffers got out of marrying Mary – a wife, a woman to have his children and a person who would not dislodge his roaming manhood with a blunt object or sell her story to the press. But what did she see in him?

This is, of course, a cue for scenes of Jeffrey breaking the four-minute mile, landing on the moon with Neil Armstrong and telling Frank Sinatra to ”Do it my way”.

The story begins in 1964, when Mary was a swot at Oxford. Jeffrey followers will recall that the writer was also there – and the one thing we can say with real certainty of that time is that he met Mary.

What happened then is the stuff of the show. And the stuff that makes Tory wives the good sorts they really are.

‘

Posted: 19th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Easy Meat

‘ANYONE who saw Jonathan Ross’ interview with Madonna a couple of weeks ago must have arrived at one inescapable conclusion – he is just a very bad interviewer.

Wubbish

In fact, the more famous the celebrity, the worse Jonathan Ross’ interviews become – meaning that the Madonna interview was very bad indeed.

He seems to spend half the time flirting with the celebrity in question or talking about himself and the other half telling them how wonderful he thinks they are. It’s not big, it’s not clever and it’s certainly not funny.

Tonight’s interviewees are very much at the other end of the celebrity food chain from Madonna, so we can expect a less excruciating hour than we endured a fortnight ago.

Darius pops in to talk about his music plans, Nigel Havers talks about his appalling show, Manchild, and Denise Lewis talks about running and jumping and throwing and stuff.

If he can’t have a laugh at the expense of that lot, then he should get himself a new job

‘

Posted: 16th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

We’re All Going On A Summer Holiday

‘SUMMER is coming and it’s time to show the world what the young, free and stupid do on their jolly holidays.

The pride of Britain

In no particular order, the reality TV shows about holiday reps have shown people being sick, showing their backsides to bemused old Mediterranean types dressed in head-to-toe black, drinking too much, eating chips and burgers, going to the toilet in their hotel beds and being burnt to a crisp by a merciless sun.

And the great news is that what works for Ibiza works for the Greek resort of Faliraki, where ITV has sent a few cameras to catch what Club Reps: The Workers get up to.

In essence, they get up to cleaning up after the oiks who cavort with a rare degree of poor taste and stupidity.

Of course, we only follow the young and eager-to-please Brits who have chosen to work abroad for the summer season. We don’t get to see the locals, the ones whose vision of home is obscured by a mountain of pink, puckered flesh and puke.

Oh, how we sit back and shake our heads in disappointment at what a proud nation has become

‘

Posted: 15th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Soft Soaps

‘I’M A CelebrityGet Me Out Of Here! may be over – but there are plenty of second-rate stars on show tonight as ITV switches its attention to the orgy of bad taste that is the British Soap Awards.

Don’t they have mirrors in Soapland?

If you are in the slightest bit interested, you will no doubt know the results of the ceremony, which actually took place on Saturday. It won’t be giving too much away to reveal that it was a good night for Coronation Street and not such a good night for EastEnders.

But the real purpose of the Soap Awards is to allow young soap actresses to put on their most hideous, revealing or hideously revealing frocks in an attempt to get themselves noticed.

Again, it is not giving too much away to let on that this year they excelled themselves. Watch out especially for Brookside’s Liz Avis (Laura) and Hollyoaks’ Jodi Albert (Debbie) – although there is so much to see, you are likely to be spoiled for choice.

Oh, and while you’re waiting, try to work out how on earth EastEnders’ Jessie Wallace (Kat) was named the sexiest woman in soaps. The mind truly boggles

‘

Posted: 14th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Had Our Phil

”IT’S been wicked, it’s been good, it’s been emotional. It was hard at times with the old grub and challenges but I’ve had a great time. It didn’t help not getting much kip and yet the group rallies around and brings you back together.’

‘It’s been emotional’

In his own regal way, the new king of the I’m A Celebrity jungle told us what it was to be the winner of a reality TV show.

And he pressed on: ‘I just can’t believe it. It’s unbelievable. I turned up for a bit of a kip for two weeks! I’m pleased I’ve won, but everyone’s done really well. I have no regrets, I went in there happy and I came out happy. Happy days!’

Phil is now – without doubt – the most famous English cricketer, and, most likely, the most widely known English cricketer of all time.

Very soon he’ll be taking the Ian Botham contracts for advertising breakfast cereals, and then plugging lager, ants, Australia and, well, whatever he fancies.

Being the first sportsman to win a reality TV show carries much kudos. Tuffers is the TV sports personality of the year – the only one with a genuine personality.

‘

Posted: 13th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Sleep Walks

‘AND then there were three. Wayne Sleep walked out of the I’m A Celebrity camp last night leaving only Phil Tufnell, Linda Barker and John Fashanu to battle it on tonight’s finale.

‘Does my bum look big in this?’

But the word is that Tuffers’ woman, Dawn Brown, is none too happy by the flirting between her 37-year-old boyfriend and the married Changing Rooms presenter.

Yesterday, Linda gave the former England cricketer a back rub, but that wasn’t enough for him.

‘I just need you to wear a pair of high-heeled boots and walk up and down on my back,’ he said.

Fash, meanwhile, couldn’t hear any of these goings-on. He was too busy with his head under water in eel-infested water trying to win food for his hungry mates.

Showing just what a tough bloke he is, Fash promptly fainted after his ordeal and had to be revived with a blast of oxygen.

No such problems for Tuffers, who scoffed five plates of live insects, before declaring: ‘That was probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.’

It’s funny – the crayfish who got stuck down Fash’s pants said exactly the same thing.

‘

Posted: 12th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Cat’s Flap

‘AT the start of Thursday night’s I’m A Celebrity, only seven shlebs remained in the Australian wilderness – which could be a wildlife park in Sydney or Whipsnade Zoo.

A pouting trout

Fash was there to tell us at home that it was all a competition, and that since they were all ‘winners’ in the camp, they all wanted to win. Apart from Wozza.

‘I thought it would be tough, but I didn’t think it would be this tough,’ said Robin Cook’s fatter brother. He then said he was happy to go, although he thought Toyah would be the next to leave.

First, though, Linda had to face Terror In The Trees. Oh, and shave her legs, a move that showed that she and she alone knows how to really survive in the wilds.

‘I think I’m really tough,’ said Linda. ‘I think I’m really strong,’ said Linda’. ‘I’m really good,’ said Linda. ‘I’m really psyched up,’ said Linda. And, accordingly, she scored all seven stars.

If only Fash and the others had shaved their legs. But we moved on, and it was time to see who was getting the boot from camp.

And it was Catalina. The trout pout is no more.

‘

Posted: 9th, May 2003 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Pitter-Potter, Pitter-Potter

‘BEST-SELLING children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

JK Rowling – ”delighted”

The deepest lake in the British Isles is Loch Morr. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

The lethal dose of chlostridium botulinum type D is 0.00006 milligrams for an adult male by peritorial injection. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

Peterborough is a former Roman settlement. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

Cornwall has its own currency. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

The distance by road from Leeds to Gloucester is approximately 160 miles. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

Melbourne time is 10 hours later than Greenwich Mean Time. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

Justice is blind. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

Nystagmus is an eye disease common among miners, of which the chief symptom is the continual oscillation of the eyeballs. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

Oxygen constitutes half the total material of the Earth’s surface. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

The lotus is a traditional motif in Egyptian architecture. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

The coelacanth is the nearest living fish relative of the amphibians. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

The US Internal Revenue Service was established in 1862. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

The banana is a herb. Best-selling children’s author JK Rowling is expecting the POTTER of tiny feet, and was last night said to be ”delighted”.

With apologies to Bernard Levin.

‘

Posted: 20th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Mr Spoons

‘PREVENTING Scotland scoring against England at football doesn’t rank as the greatest demonstration of supernatural powers. But it is one of many achievements that Uri Geller is happy to take the credit for.

”Bloody bender!”

Others are rather more spectacular: his time as a CIA agent, his work as a channel for extraterrestrials, choosing Michael Jackson as his best man, and of course, appearing on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here!

Then there’s the spoonbending, of course, and his less-than-impressive appearance on the Johnny Carson show, when he found himself up against the massed forces of the magician James Randi, whose hostility to psychics prompted him to advise Carson’s team on how to expose Geller.

Reputations (BBC2, 9pm) takes a sceptical but entertaining trip through Geller’s life in the public eye, from male model to massive celebrity to relative obscurity once more.

It’s not likely to change anybody’s opinion of Geller, but it passes the time entertainingly enough. Once upon a time, Geller’s TV appearances were preceded by a warning that clocks might stop and cutlery bend. Consider yourself forewarned and forearmed.

‘

Posted: 19th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

People Like Him

‘WITH the open verdict, and then the BBC’s decision to drop his biography, this has been a week for Michael Barrymore to forget.

Scene of Barrymore’s last great performance

Not that there’s much chance of that, as Channel 4 puts him in the television dock with The Real Michael Barrymore (9.00pm).

Even if the programme doesn’t actually reveal anything new, it will certainly refresh a few memories, and it is unlikely to paint a pretty picture of the nation’s former favourite’s dramatic fall from grace

Indeed, the biggest surprise is to be reminded of how popular he once was, even after his traumatic ”outing” as both being both gay and alcoholic. And how young he once looked.

Those who take delight in seeing how far the mighty can fall may also wish to tune into highlights of Manchester United’s defeat by Maccabi Haifa (ITV1, 11.00pm). Well, we can dream

‘

Posted: 18th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Drawing Teeth

‘IF it’s anything like the book, it will be badly plotted, written in the mode of a sixth form know-all and full of trite observations. And, if it is anything like the book, the reviews will tell us it’s fantastic and we will sit down to watch White Teeth in our millions.

”Dentist!”

Tonight sees the first part of the four-part drama (sic) based on Zadie Smith’s book. It comes as little surprise that the show should be broadcast on Channel 4, a channel that is producing some real terrible TV of late (Elizabeth Hurley’s Brains, for example).

And how right-on is this. A host of half-drawn characters from a mix of racial identities – and sometimes mixed within once person – occupy the screen. There’s the Afro-Caribbean Bible basher, the Bangladeshi wannabe Englishman and the liberal Jews. Anyone say Please Sir?

And before you ask where he is, up pops the radical Muslim nutcase. It’s enough to have the Chinese community up in arms. Or is it that delighted that they have not been included in this racial mess?

But apart from all its many faults, White Teeth will be widely watched because many of us have read the book.

And if you want to watch it, it’s on Channel4 tonight at 10pm. And if you don’t want to, know this: everyone else is, which means it must be good – and that makes you a loser many times over.

‘

Posted: 17th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

TV Crimes

‘TOP 10 lists are so popular with TV producers that it is only a matter of time before we are given a programme: ‘Top 10 Top 10 programmes’.

Ten top reasons to go out in the evening…

Like ‘I Love 1973’ and its friends, it is an easy (and cheap way) to repackage archive footage, normally interspersed with some kind of banal commentary.

In the case of the ‘I Love ’ series, this consisted of a number of ‘talking heads’, most of whom were utterly unrecognisable even with their name and claim to fame spelt out on screen. In fact, their sole qualifications for the job seems to have been being alive in the year in question and saying ‘yes’ when asked.

Anyway, back to tonight and Channel 5’s offering to the Top 10 genre is Britain’s Top 10 Heists. Expect the normal favourites to be there – the Great Train Robbery, Brinks-Matt and the foiled attempt to steal the diamond from the Millennium Dome.

Don’t expect to see the biggest robbery of all featured – how TV gets away with recycling all this old material and selling it back to us as new.

‘

Posted: 16th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Still Rockin’

‘WHICH band has made most appearances on Top Of The Pops? A little trivia question for you, the answer to which is, of course, Status Quo who this evening make their 106th appearance on the show.

G, E and C minor – it’s thirsty work

They still only play three chords, but they’ll have played those three chords a hell of a lot of times and tonight they put them all together for a special rendition of their 1977 classic Rockin’ All Over The World.

The occasion? Tonight is the 2,000th edition of the BBC show, which originally aired back in 1964. Broadcast from a converted church in Manchester, it was originally commissioned for only six shows – but quickly proved a hit.

Whether the standard of the acts on TOTP is as good now as it was then or at any time in the intervening years is a matter for debate, but the show itself is a genuine institution.

Tonight features Appleton, Wyclef Jean, Tom Jones, N-Trance, White Lines and, of course, Atomic Kitten’s cover of the Blondie classic The Tide Is High. Poptastic!

‘

kittychesterz

Posted: 13th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Picking Liz Hurley’s Brains

‘WHAT is going on at Channel 4? On Tuesday night, we were treated to Seven Days That Shook The Spice Girls, which was only topped last night by an hour-long programme entitled Elizabeth Hurley’s Brains.

Liz always struggled on her seven times table

Biologically, it is certainly true that the model does possess a brain, but (as far as we are able to ascertain) it is very much in the singular. Legs, breasts and eyes she possesses in the plural – all of which we are used to seeing lovingly photographed in our newspapers and magazines.

But brain has she one. The brains in question in fact referred to Ms Hurley’s intelligence, sufficient apparently for Channel 4 to devote an hour of its prime time schedule to their examination.

Had we missed something? Had Ms Hurley, in between appearances in Austin Powers and the remake of Bedazzled, devised a new economic theorem that would henceforth be known as Hurley’s Law?

Had the model’s famous Versace ”safety-pin” dress given rise to a new Theory of Gravity, or had she taken a break from being the face of Estee Lauder to complete three across on the Times crossword?

None of the above, it seems. After one hour of television, we had learnt that La Hurley is not just a pretty face – in fact, as one contributor opined, she is very intelligent and has a fine business sense.

While BBC1 was showing a remarkable documentary about the World Trade Center bombings, this was Channel 4’s fascinating insight. We look forward to further offerings of this type – Albert Einstein’s Legs, for example. At least he had two of them

‘

Posted: 12th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Brains Before Beauty

‘WE know it will be fatuous, thin on content and full of speculation, but there is still something captivating about a show called Liz Hurley’s Brains.

”Divine Brown’s got nothing on what goes on inside my head”

Some of what little we know for sure about La Hurley is based on her career. She has been in some bad films, and some terrible films; she’s been the face of Estee Lauder; and she once wore a dress held together by safety pins.

Some other information is based on her private life. She dated Hugh Grant for too long; she got pregnant by a man called Steve Bing, who, as luck has it, is stinking rich; and she likes to go to Oscar-night parties with Pamela Anderson.

And in spite or all that, she sets herself up as the embodiment of the classy, sexy British femme fatale.

Only Liz is from Basingstoke.

And getting from Basingstoke to Hollywood must be down to something more than picking the right boyfriend, having someone pick out the right dress and picking the right father for your child.

So could it all be down to her brains. Could it?

Liz Hurley’s Brains is on Channel 4 tonight at 9:00pm.

‘

Posted: 11th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

The Fortune-ate Ones

‘WE asked 100 people to name the presenter of the new series of the best gameshow to ever hit the television schedules, Family Fortunes. You said Max Bygraves. Our survey said: Er-er. You said Bob Monkhouse and your aunt Joyce said Les Dennis. And uncle Ted, who replied ”dishwashers”, was also wrong.

”We asked 100 people who my wife was having an affair with…”

For those who want to steal the points, the answer is Andy Collins. He’s the first new face of the show in 15 years, having replaced Les Dennis, who thought it was time for a change.

Les is right, of course, and no one presenter should go on for too long doing the same thing. But Les, who always promised to give a contestant the money himself if the answer was there, will be missed.

And, boy, will he be missed. The new recruit has the suit, the rules off pat, but is visibly sweating. He also has the rare gift of being able to speak faster than the moving parts of his mouth allow.

It’s like watching a Kung Fu movie, only one where the translation is done by a chipper Cockney. To quote Henry Kelly of Going For Gold fame, Andy’s mouth is playing catch-up.

But the show is bigger than one man. And the show will go on to great things. And to prove it we asked 100 people to name the gameshow that still be around in ten years time. And 80 said Family Fortunes, 10 said Weakest Link and 10 more asked for us to repeat the question.

Genius.

‘

Posted: 10th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Man Behaving Badly

‘MARTIN Clunes is fixed in most people’s minds as the pizza-guzzling, beer-soaked loser of Men Behaving Badly fame, but tonight he has the chance to play a character that is about as different as it is possible to be.

”Fancy a bath, darlin’?”

A is for Acid (ITV, 9pm) is not, as the title suggests, set in the clubs of the late nineties. Instead, it looks back to a more gentle age, when the most outlandish pop star was Cliff Richard, and acid was used to er dispose of murdered corpses.

John Haigh achieved notoriety as the ”acid bath murderer”, who disposed of his victims by immersing them in baths of acid – an idea he got while a prisoner (for fraud) during the second world war, from watching a fellow prisoner dissolve a mouse.

He believed that without a corpse, there would be no proof of murder, and he set about charming his victims, then systematically bumping them off.

Glenn Chandler, of Taggart fame, adapted the story, and it fits in nicely to the great tradition of British murder stories. It’s short on explanation, but strong on atmosphere, and Clunes turns in a good performance as the smooth-talking devil with the neatly-trimmed moustache.

‘

Posted: 9th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Dy By Day

‘TONY Blackburn has seen off the competition. After his three male rivals were voted off the show, lesbian comedienne Rhona Cameron got the boot last night – leaving the way open for the veteran DJ to work his magic charm on the three remaining women.

”No, Tara! Leave me ALONE!”

However, he will have to be on his best behaviour if he is to get anywhere with Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who revealed that the reason she fell out with Darren Day was not because he rejected her advances, but because he started to get ”vulgar”.

”I took offence to it,” she explained. ”And then there was the burping and farting. Every time he did that I found it such a turn-off.” Which would explain the notes.

But Tara is not the only celebrity to take offence so easily. Darren himself has admitted that he found Tara’s notes (which she claims were just a prank) ”offensive”, particularly as his posh admirer knew he had a girlfriend.

In days gone by we used to transport our undesirables to Australia on a one-way ticket. What is really ”offensive” about I’m A CelebrityGet Me Out Of Here! is these sorry bunch of pathetic no-marks get to return home at the TV company’s expense.

If TV continues to plumb such depths, they can run a show called I’m Fed-Up With CelebritiesGet Me Out Of Here – and watch as the population of the UK dwindles to about 228.

‘

Posted: 6th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

End Of The Day

‘TONY Blackburn must be a worried man – stuck out in the Australian jungle as the only male with the insatiable Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (as well as Nell McAndrew, Christine Hamilton, Rhona Cameron) for company.

One of those Days

Darren Day last night became the third D-lister (and third man) to be thrown off I’m A CelebrityGet Me Out Of Here, but he couldn’t leave without delivering a few bitchy remarks aimed at his former friend.

”I don’t begrudge anyone being successful, as long as they are there for a reason and as long as they actually have a talent to warrant them being there,” he told the other contestants – without a trace of irony.

What Nell McAndrew (famous for having breasts), Christine Hamilton (famous for having a husband) and Rhona Cameron (famous for not having a husband) must have made of that is anyone’s guess.

But what of Day’s own talent? Aside from serial dating soap stars, we suppose he could always be relied upon to bring a smile to the faces of all those toothless crones who like their Cliff Richards with a touch of stubble.

Unfortunately, as Darren is just finding out, they make up only a fraction of the British population. A welcome return to obscurity beckons

‘

Posted: 5th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

It’s A Knock Out

‘THERE was a moment in I’m A CelebrityGet Me Out Of Here which saw the script thrown out the window, burnt, and then defecated on by the local jungle wildlife. And it came when Nigel Benn offered comfort to a woman on the verge, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.

Police release pictures of what Tony Blackburn is believed to have been wearing when TP-T took him on her treasure hunt

The thing is that no-one could understand what either of them were saying. TP-T was crying for attention and the boxer was showing his tender side by mumbling something in her ear.

Something like ”If you don’t put a sock in it, I will” was not it, although had it been Christine Hamilton and not Nigel Benn with Tara it might have been.

Because Tara had been rude to Christine. She had sworn at her. She had also sworn at Darren Day. But aside from those rare moments of rationality, Tara’s behaviour was becoming more and more desperate.

Everyone was supposed to be looking at her. And everyone did. And Tara, as miracles would have it, became better, the clouds of gloom lifted, the sun began to shine and all was well.

And then Ant and Dec rocked up and told Nigel he was going home. Nigel said something, but once again we didn’t really understand.

But at least his lisp managed to put the fire out. Which after the rule that says how TP-T must be ignored is the most important thing for campers to remember.

‘

Posted: 4th, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Uri Gets Knifed

”’WHO goes? You decide?” Only we didn’t, because we the public had to vote for who we wanted to stay. And who we didn’t want to stay in the Australian rainforest in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here! was Uri Geller.

”Oooh, Darren!”

And so it was that the friend of Michael Jackson and Bubbles was dismissed from Camp C-List. ”See you back at the hotel,” said Uri, his fingers itching to get at all those spoons in the hotel kitchens.

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson’s fingers were also itching – to get at Darren Day, and not just at his throat. It seems that Tara wants Darren in the biblical sense, and has been telling him so via love letters.

Darren told Nigel Benn that he was having none of the It Girl’s it. And in his odd Cliff Richard meets Arthur Mallard way staring talking about ”moi gewl” back home. But in a trice, Nigel was gone, off for a night of solitary in the woods.

Darren was so upset at Nigel’s absence that he couldn’t go to the toilet. He told everyone just that. And we knew he knew that he must be really upset.

But not as upset as the viewers who had been promised the chance to send one of the unlovely ones to the woods for the entire night only to see Nigel back in the bosom of his mates after 60 minutes.

”How was it Nige?” they asked. And Nigel turned towards the shapeless jungle behind him. And his eyes said it all. ”Have I been away long? What year is this? Who am I? Who are you?” And for a wonderful second, no-one at home could remember.

‘

Posted: 3rd, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

Judgement Days

‘BORED with Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Fed up to the back teeth with Ann Robinson telling people ”Goodbye” with marginally less charm than Violet Elizabeth Bott used to tell us that she would scream and scream until she was sick? Then, dear reader, you need daytime TV, and the daytime quiz show.

Chris waits for yet another final answer

The chief difference between the evening variant of the win big programme and its afternoon sibling is that in the afternoon the stakes are lower and the hype is less.

And so it is with Judgemental, the new BBC quiz show in which the immensely likeable Sophie Raworth asks three players whether they think four people will be able to answer general knowledge questions.

The Judgemental ones are faced with little knowledge about the people they have to back to answer rightly or wrongly, only able to ascertain their gender and age.

So that’s old people being asked questions about the likes of Big Brother and Will Young and young students being quizzed on what Hitler did in the war and how many ounces make up a pound.

The show is on at 12:30, and while the employed should not necessarily set their videos less they miss it, they should know that there is life beyond Chris Tarrant and his wattle.

‘

Posted: 2nd, September 2002 | In: Celebrities | Comment

It’s The Pitts

‘THE celebrity guests just keep on coming in this series of Friends. In tonight’s episode, the cosy gang is celebrating that all-American holiday, Thanksgiving, and Monica has invited one of her old high-school chums along for some turkey.

His name is Will Colvert and, back when Monica was roughly around the same size as Vanessa Feltz was before she got intimate with her personal trainer, he was the only one at school who was even fatter than she was.

But, in an ugly duckling scenario that ought to be a lesson to all of us, Will Colvert has really blossomed. In fact, he looks like Brad Pitt. Because he is Brad Pitt. Yes, Mr Jennifer Aniston is finally working with his wife.

Thankfully, this episode was filmed before Brad started growing the unkempt beard that could manage to make a yeti look nude, so we’re still able to appreciate the extent of his transformation from overweight loser to international sex god.

The twist is that, at school, Will was the founder of the I Hate Rachel Greene Club, whose other member was Ross. The humour is supposed to come from the fact that Will hates Rachel, even though he’s married to her in real life. Isn’t it, like, so ironic?

The lovebirds pull it off quite successfully, which is why they call them actors, we guess.

Friends is on Channel 4 at 9pm.’