Key Posts Category
John Terry, Ashley Cole And Vernon Kay United For St Valentine’s Day Massacre
VALENTINE’S Day is “cancelled” because of John Terry, Ashley Cole and Vernon Kay. They are the “Stupid Rats” who are preventing you from laying a scentless rose on your lover’s pillow and dining out on an over-priced meal with funeral arrangements for pudding.
The New of The World has the news that comes too late for a million men racing home with garage forecourt flowers entwined about a pair of musical knickers. In order, the St Valentine’s Day Massacres’ leading players:
Passion Killer: Vernon Kay
Poison Arrow: Rhian Sugden
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Posted: 14th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment
The 10 Best St Valentine’s Day Classified Adverts Ever
ST Valentine’s Day is almost upon us. And out of respect for the festival of terrible meals in shitty eateries manned by moist-handed gingivitic waiters with piped in car sick music and flowers of a colour harvested from the ring on Katie Price’s bathtub and possessed of a smell so bland that Switzerland looks like a racy alternative. Bring on the love in Anorak’s most romantic classified adverts ever:
Posted: 12th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment
Taylor Lautner Coming Of Age Love Doll Hits The Market
TWLIGHT wolf-boy Taylor Lautner is 18. This means he has come of age and can now legally be the subject of a Hollywood sex tape. Break a duck, Taylor. The Twitterverse is cock-a-hoop as Twihards salute the dream that maybe now they can shag the actor. In the meanwhile, here’s the Taylor Lautner action figure, or the “love doll” as many fans call it. Taylor presents the best:
Posted: 12th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment
Disgusted Peter Andre, Katie Price And The ‘Paedo’ Princess Picture
KATIE Price and Peter Andre: With Alex Reid out of the country performing as the Fighting Toffee Crisp in exotic locations, and Tango & Gash on a break, the arc light falls back on Peter Andre.
Peter is on the telly telling GMTV viewers that he is upset and “disgusted” that his daughter Princess, who appears on his reality TV show looking just adorable for the folks at home, has featured on the Daily Star’s cover, the internet and now, to illustrate Pete’s torment, GMTV looking like a child wearing lots of make-up.
“JORDAN DISGUSTS ME,” thunders the front-page headline. And there’s sentimental Peter pictured with Princess Tenaladymeee in his loving arms.
“I’m absolutely disgusted,” says Pete.
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Posted: 12th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Alexander McQueen: Jumping On The Story In Breasts, Pictures And Celebrity Tweets
ALEXANDER McQueen had died. His spokesman asks for “Privacy” from the media. Will the death of a fashion great be a private affair? Answer: no. It’s the * ‘Alexander McQueen Suicide Mystery?’ , a chance for Tweets from the celebrity mourners – Kelly Osbourne: “i really just dont know what say im really in shock” ; Peaches Geldof: “RIP Alexander McQueen.”Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”- T.S. Eliot”; Katy Perry: “Rest In Peace Alexander McQueen. Just woke up, so sad”, and the wonderfully opportunistic: “EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW: Sex And The City Stylist “Shocked” Over Alexander McQueen …” Pictures (NSFW):
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Posted: 11th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comments (3)
John Terry Flies To Dubai: Police Ready To Arrest Alleged ‘Adulterer’
CHELSEA captain John Terry is on his way to Dubai, and away from Vanessa Perroncel. He is racing to meet Toni Terry – well, just as soon as he’s played games against Arsenal, Hull and Everton. But he can miss Cardiff city. Love is bigger than Cardiff City.
So Dubai it is. And in Dubai, they arrrest you for adulTerry, sorry, adultery. Not that John Terry has committed adultery. We have heard that as a fact here. Look, Mr Dubai policeman, JT is a top bloke.
British Couple Jailed For Adultery In Dubai
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Posted: 10th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Touch Up Super Bowl: In 70 Pictures
ANORAK spent the Super Bowl watching Brad Pitt grope and dry hump Angelina Jolie. It was better and more enriching a spectator sport than the American Soccer. Maddox ate some snacks. Brad slid his hand inside Angelina’s top. Brad smiled. Angelina smiled. Snacks were eaten. Drinks were scarfed. Everyone popped out for the toilets between the adverts, missing the Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints’ game of British Bulldog. Brad and Ange are putting on a united front. Touch Up! Angelina Jolie (NSFW)
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Posted: 10th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (18)
OK! Katie Price Tells Peter Andre She’s Dumping Alex Reid
IN this week’s OK! magazine, Peter Andre, having moved on from Katie Price, tells us that Katie Price “CALLED TO SAY SHE WAS DUMPING ALEX”. That’s Mr Toffee Crisp Alex Reid.
And this is Peter Andre, being his own man, between tears on the telly and appearing in a TV advert for his milky drinks and soggy biscuits album of love songs, in which of all the snippets to choose, his team go with sentimental Peter warbling “She’s out of my life…”
In the magazine and Peter say: “I want Kate to be happy.”
Katie. Jordan. Kate. Katie Price. Katie Andre. Kate Andre. Jordan Reid… It goes on. Each of us have our own call sign for Katie Price. Anorak’s current preference is Tango & Gash. But you can make up your own.
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Posted: 10th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, OK! | Comment (1)
Katie Price Caught In Princess Paedo Picture Storm
KATIE Price and Alex Reid: Want to read about Katie Price “SICKEST STUNT EVER” and how she turned her daughter into a “TART”? There are “SICK” pictures of the two-year-old Princess Tianaminimeeeeeeee. Want to see them? Want to see the daughter “dolled up like a tart”?
Take care as you download your copy of the Daily Star with its “sick” pictures of “tart” children from the newsagent’s shelves. Hold it nonchalantly. Don’t stare at the image of Princess Tinainimimeeeee looking like Liza Minnelli on a spin cycle. Stick the filthy organ in the pages of Asian Babes to save embarrassment. Oooer. Too late. You’ve been spotted bny the mum and kids on their way to school.
PAEDO!
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Posted: 10th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Sue News Of The World: Schillings Again
HAVING helped with the John Terry and Vanessa Perroncel debacle (alleged) with the News of The World, London law firm Schillings is now advising Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in their case against the, er, NoTW – specifically the papers claim they were going to split.
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Touch Up Super Bowl: In 70 Pictures
You know the one their rep calls “BS“.
As we said in our review of the splashy NoTW scoop: Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Marriage Is ‘Over’: Fact:
So they have not split. Brad and Angle have just created the non-divorce, un-married couple’s contract. They remain together and happy. What other facts?
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Posted: 8th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
Alex Reid Asks Katie Price For A ‘Divorce’: Pictures
ALEX REID and KATIE PRICE have married and “Split”. Alex Reid wants a divorce. Tango & Gash are fading, not literally. But they are finished. Says the Daily Star’s front page:
“ALEX: GIVE ME A DIVORCE”
Because:
“He’s crushed by control freak Jordan.”
The story:
BROKEN Alex Reid wants to divorce Kate Price because she has a cynical masterplan to rake in cash.
So says the Daily Star – first for Jordan news!
Katie Price’s Career As Jordan (NSFW)
Cage-fighter Alex says he is “exhausted” after being swept up by new bride Kate’s whirlwind scheme. Five days after he tied the knot with the model, alias Jordan, 31, they are 5,000 miles apart as he is working in India.
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Posted: 8th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)
Katie Price And Alex Reid Split: Shocking Pictures
ALEX REID and KATIE PRICE have “Split” after just five days marriage. Tango & Gash (NSFW) are over. The Daily Star has more: “JORDAN AND ALEX REID SPLIT.” Her stitches have come undone? “NEWLYWEDS Alex Reid and Jordan “split” last night… “But just a few hours later Alex, 34, left the ¬mum-of-three to board a flight to Mumbai where he is filming his new telly show Alex Reid: The Fight Of His Life”, leaving Katie to promote “her own ITV2 reality show What Katie Did Next.” Noooooooooo:
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Posted: 7th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (23)
Peter Andre Sobs: Sky’s Kay Burley Rewrites News In Her Image With Grim Blog
HAVING reduced sentimental Peter Andre to tears for our entertainment, Sky News’ Kay Burley produces a hideous ‘Team Pete’ blog on the Sky News website. This is her chance to rewrite the facts. Ready? And note that this is hard-as-nails newshound Kay Burley who was stalked by Barry George – only, she wasn’t:
What a day.
Peter Andre broke down on my show and when I went to check during an ad break that he was OK, he sobbed on my shoulder in the Green Room.
Do you see? It wasn’t cruel Kay reducing pop acorn Pete to tears with “what ifs” about him losing his children to Tango & Gash (Alex Reid and Katie Price) it was caring Kay doing him a service.
Katie Price’s Career As Jordan (NSFW)
He’d discovered not 12 hours earlier that the mother of two of his children had married without even bothering to tell him and was devastated at the very thought that she might want take the youngsters away from him.
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Posted: 4th, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (3)
Katie Price’s Wedding: Alex Reid, Strippers, Champers And Class
KATIE Price And Alex Reid: Psst! Wanna know about Tango & Gash’s “WEDDING NIGHT SECETS”?
These secrets seep from a reliable source in covert operations: Tango & Gash. The Star tells of £10,000 spent on strippers, a further £10,000 on champagne and £2,000 on kinky gear.
Katie Price’s Career As Jordan (NSFW)
When Katie married Peter Andre, there were cakes fashioned into beasts, Jennifer Ellison and Vanessa Feltz, a pink horse-drawn carriage. A song from X Factor finalist Rowetta, £400,000 from OK! and the chance for the happy couple to cash in further as the entire wedding feature on its own series of You’ve Been Framed, earning the couple £250 for each wonderful moment.
But that was a “sham” as Katie put it. This is the real deal. This is the wedding Katie would choose for herself. Read on:
The couple whisked close pals, including her agent Diane Colburt, to Spearmint Rhino strip club where private dances by naked girls are sold for up to £500 a time. The bill for the night, including several bottles of top quality bubbly, is believed to have topped £20,000.
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Posted: 4th, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)
The Five Worst Disaster Charity Records Ever
DISASTER records can be just that: disasters. Sure, the grandstanding is all part of the show, but so long as you give to the needy who cares that “nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Cole gets to record another No.1 and tell us of her sorrow. What Band Aid did with style, credibility and grace, others do with pragmatism. Does Haiti deserve Simon Cowell? Does Simon Cowell deserve Haiti? We now present the worst/most mawkish/ opportunistic and downright terrible disaster relief records ever:
Voices That Care
A song intended to help boost the morale of U.S. troops involved in Operation Desert Storm, featuring such peacenicks as: Stephen Seagal, Celine Dion, Luther Vandross, Gary Busey Harry Hamlin Kenny G Don King, Fred Savage, Magic Johnson, Chevy Chase, Mike Tyson and Jean-Claude Van Damme…
Everybody Hurts
An earthquake in Haiti. Prime Minister Gordon Brown stands strong and asks Simon Cowell to sort out a song for the dispossessed. Brown waives VAT on the single, which is good of us, and R.E.M. agree to waive all royalties. Featuring: Leona Lewis, Cheryl Cole, Joe McElderry, Alexandra Burke, Susan Boyle, Aston Merrygold and Marvin Humes of JLS. All managed by Cowell.
The Gift of Christmas
It’s 1995 and Esther Rantzen has a dream to create the most objectionable group ever. Can she do it? Can the Childliners be huge? Featuring: East 17, MN8, Peter Andre, West End, the Flood, Sean Maguire, Ultimate Kaos, The Nightcrawlers, Dannii Minogue, Boyzone and Michelle Gayle. The video is golden:
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Posted: 3rd, February 2010 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)
Justin Bieber’s Lady GaGa Presents The 52nd Grammy Awards: 120 Pictures
JUSTIN Bieber took his mother Pattie Bieber to the 52nd annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles. If you think Bieber looks young, get a load of his mum. Also there was a demure Rihanna, Nicole Kidman’s expression-free forehead, reality strumpet Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi, Lady Gaga pretending to be an am-dram star in the Melton Mowbray Players’ lunch-time rendition of Havisham: The Musical, and then rolling in her own mess, Veronica Mayra was poured into a dress (she forgot to say “when”), Phoebe Price, a dress-needy Nadeea, Katy Perry, Beyonce Knowles, Kathy Griffin, Miley Cyrus and Johnny Dang’s teeth.
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Posted: 1st, February 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (12)
Brad Pitt Hides Under Christina Hendricks At Directors Guild Of America Awards: Pictures
BRAD Pitt was saved by Mad Men’s Christian Hendricks (career in NSFW photos) at the 62nd Annual Directors Guild of America Achievement Awards, held at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza Hotel, Los Angeles. All eyes would have been on Pitt had they been able to look beyond Christina Hendricks who used her big girl’s portico to shelter Angelina Jolie’s sparring partner. (Ange in NSFW pics too). In pictures:
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Posted: 31st, January 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment
John Terry And Vanessa Perroncel: A Mock-Georgian Abortion In Pictures
JOHN Terry and Vanessa Perroncel: Can the actual story of married England and Chelsea captain John Terry and teammate Wayne’s Bridge’s former lover and mother to his child live up to the hype. The News of The World delivers:
John Terry got secret lover pregnant
Pictures: Vanessa Perroncel (John Terry’s Alleged Lover)
She had a little John “soon after” they started shagging? You’re the low-profile England captain shagging another England players’s lover and you don’t wear protection.
ENGLAND Captain John Terry made his lover pregnant – then paid for her to have an abortion.
Well, it’s their decision, however, painful. But thanks to the High Court – read the case here – we can now get the details. The NoTW talks of a trip to a private clinic and a post-op check Terry gave Perroncel £20,000 to “cheer herself up“.
The revelation will stun Terry’s loyal wife Toni Poole, 28, and throws fresh doubt over his ability to captain England just five months before the World Cup.
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Posted: 31st, January 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (2)
John Terry And Vanessa Perroncel: JT Scores In Pictures
JOHN Terry and Vanessa Perroncel: The knives are out for Chelsea and England captain John Terry. Get this from the Daily Mail:
The England captain John Terry faces fans’ fury as affair with team mate’s girlfriend is revealed
READ: John Terry’s Dirty Play Gets A Red Card: Media Delights
Fans love JT. But the only thing they love more is TP – Toni Poole, JT’s wife. It is alleged that top family bloke Terry cheated on Tony with French knickers model Perroncel, who dated former Chelsea player Wayne Bridge (they share child), now playing his trade at Manchester City Inc.
Pictures: Vanessa Perroncel (John Terry’s Alleged Lover)
Fans are outraged. Especially those Chelsea fans who saw Terry score the winning goal as their side beat Burnley 2-1 and remain at the top of the Premier League. They must be furious.
John Terry: Wayne Bridge’s Lover Vanessa Perroncel In Pictures (NSFW)
Says Bridge:
“I have read the press reporting in the last two days. The reports deal with matters which are of a deeply personal and private nature. My primary concern is the welfare of my son. Therefore, I intend to make no comment whatsoever either now or in the future about these reports and ask that my privacy is respected.”
Isn’t that a comment?
Pictures: Vanessa Perroncel (John Terry’s Alleged Lover)
Says the Mail:
England captain John Terry was booed on the football terraces this afternoon after it was revealed he had cheated on his wife with a team-mate’s girlfriend.
Toni Terry. Toni Terry. We’ll support you ever more…
READ: John Terry’s Dirty Play Gets A Red Card: Media Delights
Pictures: Vanessa Perroncel (John Terry’s Alleged Lover)
Posted: 30th, January 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)
Katie Price Says Alex Reid Is The Love Of Her Life, Just Like Peter Andre
KATIE Price and Alex Reid are reunited and a new fly in the Touche Eclat reality TV show is born. Thrill as Alex and Katie bring to market their signature scent: Alie, a joint production created from the coal face of Kate and Alex’s morning bed sheets by a team of scrapologists, distilled in lemon Bacardi Breezer and Vimto before being decanted into a tangerine gourd.
Says Katie Price:
* “He’s the love of my life.”
Or as Katie Price said of Peter Andre:
* “Pete is the love of my life.”
Katie Price’s Career As Jordan (NSFW)
Says Katie:
“The two guys I’ve been with have been the last two (in the show). They are genuine guys, I don’t go for s***heads, basically.”
Katie also has been with Dwight Yorke, of whom she says:
* “He’s always come and gone. He wouldn’t see him very often. He should be ashamed… I couldn’t give two s**ts [about him].”
More facts to follow…
Posted: 30th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Celebrity Big Brother: A Punch-Up And Katie Price And Alex Reid’s 20-Minute Reunion In Pictures
ALEX Reid, the walking Toffee Crisp, has won Celebrity Big Brother, adding his name to a trophy that hymns such stars of the magic box as Bez and Chantelle Houghton.
Vinnie Jones say Reid is “his own man” now. Reid is famous for being Reid. The media catches up with that news:
Katie Price’s cross-dressing cage fighter boyfriend Alex Reid has beaten her ex Dane Bowers to win the final seriese [sic] of Celebrity Big Brother – Sky News
No paper leads with the elevation of Reid from Katie Price’s lover to Big Brother star. Indeed the Star sticks with the tried and tested move of pulling a story from the New aTombola ™:
“PUNCH-UP AT CELEB BIG BRO FINAL”
FURIOUS Vinnie Jones was spoiling for a fight after learning he had only come third in last night’s final.
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Posted: 30th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Alex Reid Wins Celebrity Big Brother Final: Live Blog And Pictures
CELEBRITY Big Brother final: Live Blog. Like George Bush, Katie Price’s Jordans and France – you will miss Big Brother when it’s gone. Tonight is the final of the final Celebrity Big Brother show.
And the winner is… Alex Reid. Now to dump Katie Price live on the telly.
Vinnie is wearing sunglasses. But he’s alright. In his Arthur Daley hat.
Vinnie Out. Katie Price wins!!!!
Jonas is out. he looks better out of the house. He’d make good looking Nazi in a WW2 film. “I like farts,” says Jonas. Nazis loved farting.
Stephanie Beacham is out. She is holding the world’s largest microphone and talking with Davina – soon to be out herself.
Preamble:
Will Alex Reid win and add the title of CBB winner to the Mr Toffee Crisp crown he sports in his pants?
Will Vinnie Jones win and become even more insufferable, his nightclub bouncer done good persona inflating to the size of a mid-sized Texas county?
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Posted: 29th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
Kelis Shows Her Meat Shake At First Annual Data Awards: NSFE Pictures
KELIS took her blow-up fawn doll legs to the First Annual Data Awards held at Hollywood Palladium in Los Angeles. No idea what the Data awards are, but Kelis thinks they stand for Don’t Attempt This Attire. Kelis says yes to meat and seems to have trapped an owl and stuck it to her face and fashioned the Richard Gere Home For Woodland Creatures in her crotch. Her pet mole wears glasses:
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Posted: 29th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)
The Death Of Susan Boyle Gives SuBo A YouTube Sequel
SUSAN Boyle Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Susan Boyle in the news:Laydeeees and gentlemen, presenting the Death of Susan Boyle, featuing Elaine Paige, John Lennon and an intruder. Will it be captured in YouTube and give SuBo a hit sequel?
It’s not pleasant but murder rarely is. Susan Bole will be stabbed in the neck, have her head removed by pliers and shagged in any holes left. It’s not pleasant, ladies and gentlemen, but murder rarely is.
As minds whirl with how Susan Boyle will be slain, her brother, John Boyle tells us that we must not get carried away. Hold the drill and the chainsaw. Susan Boyle will be shot six times as she enters her home. She will stagger a few steps into the vestibule, or hallway, before collapsing in a river of blood. No, no skewers. Says the Sun:
THE worried brother of raid victim Susan Boyle told last night how he fears a crazed fan will kill her – just like John Lennon.
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Posted: 28th, January 2010 | In: Key Posts | Comments (8)
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie Break-Up Pictures
BRAD Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not splitting. The Jolie-Pitt child army will not be put out to tender. Jennifer Aniston can stop smiling and writhing in ecstasy on covers of the News of The World.
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt – A Romance In Pictures
The Daily Star, does, however, lead with news that “Brad and Ange split over Jen”. The paper says “Brad and Jen have split up amid rumours he will reunite with Jennifer Aniston.”
But that’s the Daily Star for you, unable to hear the words of the spokesperson for the sound of blood running through their ears. The Jolie and Pitt rep says the reports of a split are “total b.s.”
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Posted: 25th, January 2010 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)
