Shaddap You Face: John & Edward Fight To Bring Back The Novelty Christmas Song

X FACTOR Watch: Jedward walks, Max Clifford stalks, Pete Warterman puts on rose-tinted specs for Pop Idol, Cheryl Cole’s teeth are wanted, Dannii Minogue is a sight screen and Anorak’s campaign to bring back the novelty record…

Jedward, the two–headed beast, move onto another week’s awfulness. They need to make it truly terrible to keep their bandwagon going. It’s not easy to be hated. Look at Noel Edmonds.

They say that when Jedward sings the world heats up and a polar bar suffocates. They say the CIA are using recordings of Jedward to torture prisoners’ gonads. They say Jedward are husband and wife, hailing from a small factory in China.

They say they must win to restore the novelty record to its rightful place as the Christmas no.1. Where is the new Renee and Renato? Mr Blobby? Bob The Builder?

And after Christmas, where is the new Father Abraham’s crooning for his Smurfs, T.U.R.T.L.E. Power, The Purple People Eater and anything by STEPS? Jedward… We need you to bring back the novelty Christmas record.

To today’s X Factor news:

Herald (Ireland): “No stopping Jedward now as celeb agent Max Clifford is set to snap up the twins”

X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes are being lined up by celebrity agent Max Clifford as their popularity soars.

Look out for Jedward pulling on matching Chelsea kits, shagging a bit-part actress and becoming the new Kerry Katonas.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

True Blood Porn, Oral Sex And Vampire Orgies, In Pictures

THE Mail’s latest ‘ban this sick filth’-type article comes in the form of a rant against HBO vampire series True Blood. Olivia Lichtenstein – who else? – writes:

True Blood is a shocking tale of depravity, explicit sexuality (bordering on pornography) and vile language.

Even before the opening credits have rolled in the first episode, we see a young woman pleasuring a young man while driving her car.

That’s just before a picture of the two leads having sex. Just so you can see how depraved it is.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (7)

Peter Andre And Katie Price: Harvey’s Swine Flu, A Gay Secret And Back Together

KATIE Price & Peter Andre Watch:Peter’s “gay secret”, Harvey’s celebrity swine flu, Yate awaits, Peter and Katie back together and Peter’s sex life…

“PETER Andre’s Big Gay Secret,” announces the Daily Star’s front page,.

What’s that big gay secret, then? Peter isn’t all that tall:

PETE Andre is poised to become the new Paul O’Grady in a megabucks telly deal. The Aussie is at the centre of a TV tug-of-war as two major networks battle to sign him up. He has been approached by Channel 4 and ITV about hosting his own show. Channel 4 bosses are keen to unveil him as the new O’Grady, while ITV want him as their permanent guest host on Friday’s This Morning.

Paul O’Grady is gay. Is that the “Big Gay Secret?” As for Sentimental Pete presenting a TV show:

Last night an ITV spokesman said there were no new plans to work with Peter. But he added: “He is currently working on This Morning and ITV1 and doing very well.” There was no-one available for comment at Channel 4.

So what is Peter Andre up to if he’s not presenting a tea-time telly show?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Carrie Prejean Sex Tape: Get The Picture

CARRIE Prejean, the sacked Miss California who dared to agree with Barack Obama on gay rights, and was duly threatened with violence by celebrity blogger gone native Perez Hilton, has followed her mucky pictures – shocker: model wears underwear in pictures! – with a sex tape.

When sacked from her job as representing Miss California in a bikini – those dirty, dirty, photos – she sued the Miss California organization for libel and religious discrimination. Miss California USA counter-sued, saying that Prejean never repaid a loan she received for breast implants. (She can enter the Miss Plastic surgery GP).

Now the sex tape leaks, or threatens to. The web goes wild. First up is TMZ, which tells us:

Carrie Prejean demanded more than a million dollars during her settlement negotiations with Miss California USA Pageant officials – that is, until the lawyer for the Pageant showed Carrie an XXX home video of her handiwork.

That’s a pun. Prejean is a practicing Christian, which means her religion can be used against her. Prejean was suing the pageant organisers for slander, libel and “religious discrimination”

Anorak

Posted: 5th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Boris Mayor Chooses Oiks Over Scum In Nick Of Time

SUSPICIONS are that London mayor Boris Johnson would have rescued a woman under attack from an armed group of young girls has he been able to think of what to shout at them sooner.

Boris’s initial reaction was to yell “FU**ING ADA”, followed by “C****S!” But to do so would be unbecoming to his stranding as a likeable toff.

As Boris thinks, Franny Armstrong is surrounded in Camden, north London. A girl pushes her. Another girl has an iron bar. Others have hoods.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment (1)

X Factor Stars Do A Christmas Carol, In Pictures

ANORAK was at the world premiere of Disney’s A Christmas Carol in Leicester Square last night.

All the big stars were giving a remake of a remake of what once was book of a cartoon the weight it deserves: Olly Murs, Stacey Solomon, Danyl Johnson, Jedward, Lucie Jones, Lloyd Daniels, Joe McElderry, Jamie Archer and anyone else you had never heard of a few months ago.

Peter Andre was also there, trying not to outshine the talent and doing his now trademark impression of Bob Cratchit to Katie Price’s Scrooge…

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X Factor Twins arrive at A Christmas Carol World Premiere, Leicester Square, London

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)

X Factor: Jedward’s Threesome, Olly Murs Croaks And Ghostbusters

X FACTOR Watch: Jedward sex shocker, Olly Murs croaks, a threesome, A Christmas Carol, Peter Andre and more sex…

PSST! Want to know about the “TWINS SEX FACTOR SECRET”?

The Daily Star follows its news on the “SIN TWINS – Shock X Factor favourites John and Edward Grimes have lifted the lid on their sex, drugs and booze demons” – with a focus on Jewdwar’s sex lives.

X FACTOR twins John and Edward Grimes are hiding a bombshell sex secret from their fans…

Can you guess? Is it:

a) They are brother and sister
b) They are husband and wife
c) They are shagging Dannii Minogue
d) They are virgins
e) They have no primary sexual characteristics

The answer is… d. And:

The gruesome twosome have only had one girlfriend between them.

What young girl or guy would not want to be the one between John And Edward?

Anorak

Posted: 4th, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Madeleine McCann: Let’s Blame The Muslims

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann: The McCanns has aked the police to create an image of Our Maddie as she might look now. There is also a video. The media gets to work:

Sky News: “Pictures Of Madeleine McCann, Aged Six”

Police have released new age-enhanced pictures of Madeleine McCann. This is how Madeleine McCann would look now, aged six. We’ve seen similar artist’s impressions before.

There’s a video of the missing child in seven languages, on the website of the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre. One picture shows her with a deep suntan she might have developed if she is living in southern Europe or North Africa.

Says Ceop’s head Jim Gamble:

“The person we are looking to reach is likely to be a partner, family member, friend or colleague of the person or people who were involved in Madeleine’s disappearance. If you haven’t divulged your secret because of love, loyalty or fear, be assured that it is never too late to reveal the information to your local police…

“If you are a parent or carer, a student or member of the public who is a social networker, blogger or emailer, or if you run any type of online environment, big or small, please look at the film today, link to it, share it with your friends and post it in the online communities you occupy.”

That’s Ceop. Never heard of it? You have now.

Those front pages:

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann | Comments (51)

X Factor: Olly Murs Look-Alike Gallery‎

X FACTOR hopeful Olly Murs has a name that if said fast enough sounds like a new contagion. Olly Murs are catching. Olly Murs is the favourite to win the show.

He is the new sensation. Only, Anorak cannot help but think that we’ve seen Olly Murs before. Ollys Murs. Olly Murs. Must stop swaying his name. Anyhow, here’s the look-alike gallery…

Anorak

Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (11)

Hanging All Footballers For Marlon King’s Crimes, With Carole Malone’s Old Rope

FOOTBALLER Marlon King’s victim – he punched her in the face – wants to show you her face and tell you what a bastard he is. And he is. But Carole Malone wants more. She wants to attack all footballers and football fans.

But you don’t need to look at the picturesm, which are front-page news in the NoTW. You can listen to Emily Carr tell all about the attack.

As King, 29, began an 18-month jail sentence for groping 20-year-old student Emily Carr and punching her in the face, she told for the first time how the £35,000-a-week striker taunted and floored her in the vicious nightclub attack.

It’s a story told in adjectives: “Student Emily”; “vicious nightclub attack”; “horrifying injuries”; “devastated victim”; “horrific moment”…

Our shock pictures reveal the awful aftermath of the beating that left Emily spattered head to toe in blood, her teeth forced through her lip and her nose badly broken – disfigured for life.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (6)

X Factor: Finding Another Reason To Hate Gay Danyl Johnson

THE media hatchet job on the X Factor Danyl Johnson continues as the NoTW screams:

Danyl Johnson’s 100% gay

Not too long ago, the NoTW told us that Danyl Johnson was “bi”, which made him 50% gay.

I’VE DAN IT WITH BOYS AND GIRLS

Now we get the fact that he is 100% gay. Or as the sub-header puts it:

EX BOSS RECKONS X FACTOR STAR’S BISEXUAL BOAST IS JUST A POSE

Paige Bond, who managed his old band, said he was NEVER interested in women but was terrified that admitting he was gay would wreck his shot at stardom.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (10)

Madeleine McCann: Kate McCann To Appear On BBC And ITV Interviews

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann: Madeleine McCann is on the cover of the Sunday Express. Says the headline:

McCanns launch TV blitz to find Maddie

If only the Express group and owners had TV channels they could use to help. Of, course, they do:

We interrupt this edition of Teen A*** Sla*s on the Fantasy Channel to bring news of the appeal to find Our Maddie.

We must all do what we can to help. The Sunday Express tells us:

KATE McCANN will take part in a round of heart-rending TV interviews this week appealing for anyone who has knowledge of her daughter Madeleine’s kidnapping to come forward.

Anorak

Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann | Comments (25)

X Factor Live Blog: Jedward Doomed And Danyl Johnson Is Beaten By Hitler

IT’S Rock Week on the X Factor, in which TV viewers get stuck between rock and the hard place that is finding something else to watch on another channel.

Cheryl Cole is wearing Mickey Mouse’s ears on her chest and telling Joe he’s going “all the way”.

Joe McElderry sings Don’t Stop Believin’, by Journey, whish is casue fo Louis Walsh to say:derry

“Don’t stop believin’ Joe, I think you’re going to make it to the final!”

Lucie Jones arrives and sings Sweet Child O’ Mine in the style of a young girl singing Guns ‘N Roses. Since this is how it is supposed to be sung, Lucie has done well. Tonight’s winner.

Danyl Johnson is weeping. Someone said he was less liked than Hitler. He should not worry. Hitler is wildly popular in some areas of the country, like Oldham. If he can crack the Home Counties – although, not he leafier parts of Surrey, obviously – he can still make it. Cheryl Cole, who what with the Mickey Mouse outfit, the husband and the tears could do a one-woman version of Steamboat Willy, tells Danyl, who has crooned I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing, by Aerosmith.

“I wanted to see you come out after a tough week, Rachel was in the bottom two for the first two weeks and she came out fighting – that’s kinda what I was hoping to see from you. You do it well, you do it every week but you just don’t do it for me.”

Anorak

Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (22)

Sentimental Boyzone Record Stephen Gately Tribute Album

WHERE once there was only dignity, there is to be an album to remember Stephen Gately by. The four remaining members of Boyzone are to release an album as a tribute to the singer.

Boyzone are telling Sky News that Stephen Gately had already featured on two songs for the group’s latest album. Ronan Keating explains how the death of Stephen Gately is in danger of becoming a media advertorial:

“He was so excited about this, he actually texted me just before he went out on the night he died and he said he couldn’t wait to get started. I had never seen Stephen so full of life, so happy, so healthy and just so alive.”

If there is a time for sentimentalism it is surely after a friend has died. But by telling the press, things can appear mawkish. Placing the death in the context of a marketable new album can look opportunistic. Can Boyzone stick to talking about the music and not tug the heartstrings? Or will the death of Stephen Gately just become part of the show, a form of entertainment? Keith Duffy adds:

“We got our sleeping bags out and we lay there telling stories and laughing at the memories, it was peaceful and it was perfect.

“The next day when the hearse was leaving for the crematorium and people threw roses down for Stephen, well I don’t think I have ever seen anything more beautiful in all my life.”

Anorak

Posted: 1st, November 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Jedward Do The X Factor: The Most Amazing Things About John & Edward Mania

X FACTOR  Watch – Jedward special: Simon Cowell fixed it for Jedward, Halloween and bust, swine flu, Robbie Williams supports, Noel Gallagher cheers, JLS are on  message, Danyl Johnson votes John & Edward, the look-alikes and Jedward sing YMCA…

ON the front pages of the Mirror, Sun and Star, each time dressed as vampires ready to administer a love bite to anyone close enough, and so create another Jedward clone, the brothers Grimes introduce Halloween.

The Mirror: “X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes may be too sick to perform”

The sick so-and-sos. What they gone and done now?

Simon Cowell’s prayers could be answered – terrible twins John and Edward have been SILENCED by raging sore throats.

If they can’t sing, John & Edward get a pass through to the next round. Happily, Queen’s We Will Rock You is along with YMCA the world’s big semaphore hit and John & Edward can still perform with camping and foot stamping while stood on a large rock.

But the Brothers Grimes are now bona fide celebrities and a sore throat is not enough. As stars they demands more:

THE X Factor twins have been struck down with “flu-like” symptoms – just 24 hours after The Sun revealed the pair were at risk from swine flu.

Belfast Telegraph: “X Factor: Would you vote for the Grimes brothers?”

At his BBC Electric Proms performance last week Robbie stunned the crowd when he told them: “Go for the twins. John and Edward all the way.”

Well, if you can’t stun the crowd with your singing your new song that sounds like a composite blend of your own song with lyrics penned by an angst-riddled teenager, knock them bandy with something else.

And it’s not only Robbie Williams who likes Jedward:

Last year’s X Factor runners-up JLS have also given them the thumbs up, and even Noel Gallagher is reported to be behind them.

You imagine X Factor runners-up JLS like them because it reflects well on them to support a special needs act, and Noel Gallagher likes them because it’s pretty much what Simon Cowell’s pop factory deserves.

X Factor favourite Danyl Johnson, who is being mentored by their nemesis Simon Cowell, has revealed that he’s been voting to keep the twins in.

Danyl Johnson is so desperate to be likes he votes for John & Edward and then let’s this fact be know to the world at large. Others need John & Edward to remind the rest of us that they exist:

And John and Edward have also won the support of Big Brother reject Becky Shiner, who waited outside the X Factor house for hours to see them.

And to be seen.

The Guardian: “X Factor twins John and Edward pin victory hope on talent for publicity”

Simon Cowell described them as “vile little creatures who would step on their mother’s head to have a hit” and vowed to leave the country and sulk for six months if they won. Cheryl Cole said they could neither sing nor dance (“fact”) and more than 181,000 people joined a Facebook hate group in their name.

Hundreds of journalists quite about them.

“It’s been Jedward mania this week,” said Sam Delaney, the editor of Heat. “We’ve hit the tipping point. It’s up there with Bros mania, or Take That at their peak.” Delaney said the rise of JedwoodJohn and Edward mirrored the ascent of another upwardly mobile public figure. “There are parallels here with David Cameron,” he said. “People started off loathing him, then they started mocking him and then one day we woke up and thought: ‘Jesus Christ, he could actually win this.'”

Surely he thought, “Simon Cowell, he could actually win this.” Cowell is bigger. Right, Max:

Publicist Max Clifford believed people were voting to wind up Cowell. “The more Simon speaks out about them the way he does, the better it gets for them.”

The more media space they get the more people are familiar with them and the more likely they are to vote for them. Simon Cowell! John & Edward are Nick Griffin set to music!

But wait a moment. What’s this?

The Sun: “Simon loves Jedward”

SIMON Cowell secretly loves X Factor twins John and Edward Grimes and hatched a plot to turn them into megastars FOUR MONTHS ago, The Sun can reveal.

What’s this? The voting public is being duped? Louis and Simon are in this together!

Westlife’s Shane Filan said Simon and Louis showed footage of the boys to him and his bandmates in June, declaring: “They’re going to be massive.” And he said Simon knows the duo will have a big TV career even if they flop as pop stars.

Shane, 30, whose band is managed by Louis, the twins’ mentor, said: “We went with Louis to Simon’s house in LA and they took us to a room with a cinema and said, ‘We want to play you something.’ They played us John and Edward and Simon said, ‘They’re going to be massive.’ We were like, ‘Oh my god, they’ve gone crazy!’ It was when they did their first audition and they were asked where they’d be in ten years’ time and they were like, ‘We’re gonna be a bit older.’ And Simon said, ‘These are going to make it in the final 12.’

So it’s a fix. Cowell and Walsh are in an elite club of two that sets the agenda as to who wins their TV show.  And you trust the Sun to bring you the facts:

The Sun told this week how the twins scored the highest vote on last weekend’s show, while Simon’s act Danyl finished in the bottom two.

Only they didn’t. Rachel did. John & Edward came nearer the bottom than the top. Is the Sun in on this conspiracy to promote Jedward?

Irish Times: “The public’s guilty pleasure”

You can hear the editor screaming: “Get me a few hundred words on Jedward fast. A writer gets to work:

WE ARE ALWAYS more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess than to be praised for the 15 which we do possess.” Clearly, Mark Twain wasn’t an X Factor devotee, but his words are cannily spot-on when it comes to Dublin twins John and Edward Grimes. Talent – in musical terms anyway – doesn’t ooze from their collective pores, and some critics question whether they have any skills at all, let alone 15 of them.

Spot on, then. One thing we can agree on, and the writer can agree with himself on is this:

Cringey? Yes. Camp? Certainly. But it was so damn watchable, even if you had to peek through your fingers.

To win the show, Jedward need to be as awful as possible. Anorak has produced their playlist to ensure success. And do look at their look-alike gallery – your suggestions please…

Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

The Most Disgusting, Offensive And Tasteless Halloween Costumes

IT’S Halloween-ish. And in honour of the imported season of ill will to all men – Americans don’t have Bonfire night and with it the chance to toss a Catholic on a pyre – we bring you the most disguting, offensive and tasteless Halloween costumes ever:

Red Sox’s number 9 Ted Williams

Anorak

Posted: 31st, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (8)

Andre Agassi Wore A Wig On Court

NEWS that Andre Agassi wore a wig in the 1990 final of the French Open, when he lost in a straight set and rinse to Gomez from Ecuador.

Agassi’s wig was a superb mix of Kajoogoo cast offs mated with Frank McAvennie top knot. While not in the Phil Spector league of hair pieces – more King Charles spaniel than King Charles – Agassi’s wig made a very careful and polite nod to majesty.

And for Agassi, these were testing times:

“Then a fiasco happened. The evening before the match I stood under the shower and felt my wig suddenly fall apart. Probably I used the wrong hair rinse. I panicked and called my brother Philly into the room.

“’It’s a total disaster!” I said to him. He looked at it and said he could clamp it with hair clips. It took 20 clips. ‘Do you think it will hold?’ I asked. ‘Just don’t move so much,’ he said.

“Of course I could have played without my hairpiece, but what would all the journalists have written if they knew that all the time I was really wearing a wig?

“During the warming-up training before play I prayed. Not for victory, but that my hairpiece would not fall off. With each leap, I imagine it falling into the sand. I imagine millions of spectators move closer to their TV sets, their eyes widening and, in dozens of dialects and languages, ask how Andre Agassi’s hair has fallen from his head.”

Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3)

Jedward: What John And Edward Will Sing To Win The X Factor

JOHN & Edward will be singing We Will Rock You on the X Factor next week. Not only will Thing 1 and Thing 2 be getting the audience to stamp their feet and clap their hands, but they will also be rapping. This is the Five version of the hit queen song.

It could not be more terrible. And its very awfulness will ensure that John & Edward move on step on to becoming this year’s X Factor champions.

Having so far performed Oops! I Did It Again by Britney Spears is a kak-footed, tuneless version of the singer that could see the lads make a fortune as musical impressionists, and a version of Ricky Martin’s La Vida Loca that was a brilliant parody of the Latino heartthrob who always threatens that he about to sing and dance but never quite erupts.

Indeed, Martin’s shtick of sticking a pose that suggests much more rhythm to come has been adopted by the X Factor’s Cheryl Cole who doesn’t dance so much as ape the Windmill Theatre’s tableaux vivants, stain stock still between swift jerks.

But we digress. The focus is on John & Edward., and what they will need to sign to win the show. What ever it is is has to be memorable. And because Jedward are awful it has to memorably awful.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

X Factor: John & Edward Perform Live Duet With Miming Britney Spears

X FACTOR Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance looks at X Factor in the news: Louis Walsh mocks Cheryl Cole’s singing, Simon Cowell vows to spend more time in the sun, and John & Edward do Britney Spears too well.

Daily Mirror (front page): “YOU’RE TWIN FREAKS – Cowell savage John & Ed”

Savages? He’d never risk his teeth.

“This X Factor is the hardest one to call,” he says, still reeling from Danyl deffo-not-a-bully-deffo-still-would Johnson being in the bottom two last weekend. “The twins are completely deluded and live in fantasy land but they are lovely. They thought Britney would watch their performance and wanted to invite Robbie to their party.”

John & Edward performed a live version of a Britney Spears song. The performance was every bit as good as the original, save for the boys failing to dry hump the stage, not miming and omitting the Max Wall tribute.

Anorak

Posted: 30th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Jedward: X Factor John And Edward Look Alike Gallery

JOHN & Edward Grimes are exactly what the X Factor deserves. The pair now billed as Jedward, which makes them sound like an inbred period drama farm hand with a hump, will win the X Factor.

They have the X Factor. They may well have a missing X chromosome. And there lingers the faint possibility that they are not twins but husband and wife. Whatever, that are or are not, when Midwich Cuckoos: The Musical comes to the stage, John & Edward are shoo-in for all the parts.

But what if they are injured. Who will step into their shoes? Anorak has done a vox pop of X Factor watchers in various secure institutions and come up with the definitive list as to whom John & Edward look like, a bit or a lot.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

This Isn’t It: Michael Jackson Conspiracy Theorists Hijack Film Premier, In Pictures

MICHAEL Jackson’s film, This Is It, hits the movie screens.

In 16 cities around the world, the film of outtakes, retakes and on-the-takes plays on.

You can read what Liz Taylor thinks of it here, and what Peter Andre thinks of it here. America has Liz Taylor. The UK has Peter Andre, and he had to be imported.

Not everywhere is the film a big deal. But our snappers were in LA and London. And this is what they saw (there’s a film in this). Look out for:

London: Randy Jackson, Tito Jackson and Marlon Jackson (which si which), George Sampson, Abby Clancy, Harry Connick Junior (you’ve seen this, right?), a Chipmunk and two looka-likes.

LA: Ian Ziering’s teeth, Will Smith’s knits, Jennifer Lopez (allegdly), Paula Abdul’s New Age dress and Paris Hilton.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

X Factor: Danyl Johnson Look-Alike Gallery

THE knives are out for Danyl Johnson, this year’s X Factor hate figure. How can there be a contestant who can move and sing better than show judges Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue?

Johnson has been called cocky and vain – character traits you’d suppose were prerequisite for making it in Simon Cowell’s pop factory.

But the biggest bugbear about Danyl Johnson is his looks. He has a face formed not by surgeons blade and chemist – see Cowell, Louis Walsh and Danni Minogue – but by committee.

Anorak got to thinking and we asked the typing pool who Danyl Johnson reminded them off. These are their answers – your suggestions, please…:

Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

X Factor: Victimised Cheryl Cole Wants To Punch Simon Cowell

LOOK out Simon Cowell, it sounds like Cherly Cole has not developed as much had been hoped. The X Factor judge found guilty of assaulting a toilet attendant remains a fan of the short sharp shock, as the Star’s front page says:

“Simon Cowell is nasty rude and annoying. I want to punch him”

This is “nation’s sweetheart” Cheryl Cole on message. Anyone who has watched the X Factor cannot help but notice that the aim of the three non-Cowell judges is to turn on Cowell and say how wrong he is. The more forcibly they can do this the less chance the watching millions will realise that without Cowell the show loses its only talent.

The routine goes like this:

Cole: Check out me dimples
Cowell: Nothing short of awful. Horrendous
Louis Walsh: No. you’re wrong
Dannii Minogue: Stares purposefully

The audience cheers and hisses allowing Cowell time to think of a simile – “Your like Hitler without the fun”, or a metaphor, “You’re Cilla Black in braces.” The Star takes up the theme:

Cheryl Cole told last night how she feels like “lamping” Simon Cowell because he is so “nasty, rude and annoying”. The chart-topping Geordie beauty has broken her silence on the increased “friction” between her and Simon on this year’s X Factor.

Anorak

Posted: 28th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

X Factor: Tabloids Bully Danyl Johnson Over Stacey Solomon’s Son

ONE day on from news that Simon Cowell is to investigate stories that X Factor’s ‘Bronze Age Will Young’ Danyl Johnson has been mean to Stacey Solomon, the Star screams:

“X FACTOR BULLY BOY MAKES BABE’S LIFE HELL”

And:

“Stacey a sobbing wreck over Danyl’s jibes”

As we’ve said, Stacey should thank Danyl for connecting her with her tears. If she can mime and dry hump a microphone, Stacey may yet becomes a pop sensation in the mould of a Cheryl Cole or Dannii Minogue.

Anorak

Posted: 27th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Hello!: Samantha Burke Introduces Jude Law’s Daughter Sophia For £185,000

IN this week’s Hello! magazine, Samantha Burke introduces Jude Law’s baby daughter Sophie and tells their “amazing story”.

Prepare to be amazed. Sophia has two eyes. Gasp! Sophia has two legs! Swoon! Sophia was conceived out of wedlock when Jude dated Samantha for a period that may actually be shorter than her 25 hour labour. WowZA!

Sophia weighed in at 5lb 12oz, which in gold and cocaine prices is not bad, but in celebrity prices is diamond, earning mum £185,000, reportedly, for this 14-page photoshoot alone. She tosses the words in for free:

“Her features are more like Jude’s. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before. I think her eyes are more like mine, though.”

Anorak

Posted: 26th, October 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comments (4)