Stephen Gately’s Career In Pictures And Tweets

STEPHEN Gately is dead. The former Boyzone singer was 33. He died in Mallorca. The News of the World’s Dan Wootton broke the story after receiving a call from Gately’s management in the early hours of Sunday morning.

A press release is issued:

“Stephen tragically died yesterday whilst on holiday with his partner Andrew in Majorca. The rest of the boys will be flying out today.”

Dan Wootton, News the World: “Boyzone star Stephen Gately dies”

Boyzone star Shane Lynch said: “Me and the boys are flying out in the morning. We just need to get over to where he’s passed and work out what we need to do.”

Boyzone investigates. Officer Shane Lynch is on the scene. Meanwhile, on the BBC breakfast news, the presenter says it is a tragedy Gately died aged “32”. He was 33. And it is tragic.

Anorak

Posted: 11th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Silvio Berlusconi ‘Pays Judges’, In Pictures

SILVIO Berlusconi is in the mire. No, scratch that, Silvio Berlusconi says we are in the mire. He is mire-proof. We are sent to try him. It is his burden to endure.

Says he:

“I am without a doubt the person who has been most persecuted by judges in the entire history of the world and the history of man.”

His money had gone on paying “consultants and judges“.

Er, no, he mant to say “consultants and lawyers“.

Whatever. It’s all terribly unfair. And if you want to see just how unfair it is, enjoy our look at Silvio Berlusconi’s annus horribilis in pictures…

Silvio Berlusconi 2009: A Year In Disasters

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

Madeleine McCann: Patronising Aisling Symes

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann – Aisling Symes is missing. Aisling Symes is aged 2. Aisling Symes has gone missing from an Aukland suburb on Monday.

And you know what this means?

Kate and Gerry McCann say their “thoughts and prayers” are with the family of Aisling Symes. We do our emoting in public. Private matters are public spectacles. And Our Maddie has been the biggest shared grief fest in years, a global campaign lapped up by a once objective media.

But it’s not about the McCanns is it? This is about Aisling Symes. Or is it useful for the McCanns to be involved, and thereby raise the child’s profile in the UK – the child that went missing in New Zealand? How can us knowing in the UK help find the child? It can”t. But the McCanns need to do something – doing anything is better than doing nothing.

But the media has become the whole message. Kate and Gerry McCann are now the media’s familiar voice for all missing children and the face of the bereft parents, speaking about other missing children whether the parents want them to or not.

A cynic might believe the disappearance of Aisling Symes is both a tragedy and an opportunity? The McCanns are Ailsing Syme’s media celebrities, joining the singers and footballers on the side of the good, a familiar and reassuring face.

When Mari Luz Cortes went missing in Spain, links were made to Our Maddie. She became Maddy 2. Posters went up. And:

Mari Luz’s father, Juan José Cortés, said after a meeting with Manuel Chaves, President of the Junta de Andalucía, this weekend, that, while he is not against collaborating in the search for Madeleine and ‘even helping to draw up a poster of all the missing youngsters,’ the lines of investigation into the disappearance of the two young girls are distinct, and are being carried out in two separate countries. EFE [Spanish news agency] said he is considering taking legal action for using his daughter’s image for the campaign.

Said the Sun: “Both girls were pictured on posters put up by four-year-old Maddie’s parents because the cases were so chillingly similar.”

But does a missing child story need a point of reference? Are we so cynical and cold that we cannot feel unless the face of Our Maddie is placed before us? And what does it say about us that we need the innocent and abused McCanns’ authentic victimhood to shape the story of a missing child, that media obsession?

The McCanns’ kind words tell us nothing about Ailsing Syme – they just say something about them. The footballer in the Our Maddie T-shirt, the mawkish politician in the yellow ribbon and the woman with the balloon say nothing about the missing – they speak only about themselves. They have a need to advertise their caring.

No-one sane cannot but sympathise with the McCanns, working to keep their daughter in the news in the belief that in doing so there is a better chance of her being found. And Madeleine McCann, as we’ve noted, is no longer the benchmark for missing children.

But do the McCanns’ comment make us care about them or their daughter more, or less? Does it make anyone look for Our Maddie with a keener eye? Or is their appearance at the media spectacle when a child goes missing now just part of the show? We look. It’s on the telly. We look. But it’s not real. It’s just another show on the magic box. We look.

Mr and Mrs McCann, say in a statement:

“Our thoughts and prayers are with Aisling and her family. We wish Aisling’s parents the strength and support they will be needing at this most painful time, and we join them in hoping for Aisling’s safe and speedy return.

“We urge anyone who has any information about Aisling to come forward to the local police as soon as possible and end this family’s suffering.”

Says Sky News: “McCanns Pray For Parents Of Missing Girl.”

Even a person’s prayers are now part of the public spectacle to be featured in the media.

And instead of looking for a missing child the media is still watching the parents…

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann | Comments (20)

Sweden’s Women Only Chako Paul City Sets Gender Police On Men

CHINESE news agency Xinhua reports on “Chako Paul City”, a northern Swedish city of 25,000 lesbians.

Chako Paul City was founded in 1820 by a “wealthy widow“. The citadel is guarded by two blonde sentries who prevent men from entering on pain of being beaten (only) half to death by the gender police.

Women are permitted entry. And “are only allowed to re-enter Chako Paul City if they agree to bathe and undertake several other measures designed to ensure that their out-of-town trysts don’t negatively affect the mental state of other women in the town“.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (5)

How Will Hamas TV’s Furries Mascot Nassur Die?

HOW will Hamas TV furry Nassur die? Nassur the bear is the star of Pioneers of Tomorrow, the hit show that takes hit after hit after hit?

HAMAS TV’s furries show Role of Honour – The Stuffed:

Farfour – The big lovable mouse was murdered by the Israelis, who are no friends to enlightened mice.

Nahoul – Huge bumble bee killed by the Israelis who would not allow him to travel to Egypt for an opertaion on his enlarged heart.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Katie Price And Peter Andre In Slash Horror

MORE Peter Andre and Katie Price news as amid a fight at the Mayfair Hotel, bookmakers slash the odds of the pair reunited their camera crews and giving it one more shot.

Ladbrokes has reduced the odds of a Peter Andre-Katie Price re-renewal of vows (they renewed their vows on a TV show having made their original vows before God and OK!) from 100/1 to 4/1.

Whether he bookmakers would take money from Katie or Peter’s PR camps is a moot point. The odds are one thing, the size of the betting market another. A wager of anything over a pound might be turned down by the bookmakers, suspicious of fixing.

One day on from news of a reconciliation, Peter Andre, along with Mel B, her husband Stephen Belafonte, Chantelle Houghton and Nicola McLean are dining with Katie’s former agent Claire Powell at the Mayfair Hotel. That’s them bathed in an orangey glow sat before plates covered in hand-reared breast meat.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Harry Connick Jr Presents Jackson Jive, The Medical Michael Jackson Tribute Act

CONTINUING Anorak’s look at tributes to Michael Jackson, we bring you The Jackson Jive, on Autralian TV show Hey, Hey It’s Saturday.

Australian TV host Daryl Somers introduces the act. The crowd love the Jackson Jive. Then Somers apologises for them.

Visiting US singer Harry Connick Jr, joins the Red Faces segment to award the black faces and the white face lead signer a zero.

We then learn that the Jackson Jive first appeared on the show 20 years ago as medical students. Now they are medics. The lead singer is – irony of ironies – a plastic surgeon.

Political correctness mean they are hateful, Jackson might have found them if not entertaining then at least useful.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts | Comments (2)

Susan Boyle Sings For Barbara Bush

SUSAN Boyle Watch: With Amanda Holden’s dinner, Postman Pat, Simon Cowell’s gardener and meeting Barabra Bush…

Ireland On Line: “Amanda Holden has to use Susan Boyle’s name to make restaurant reservations in America.”

She said: “To get into places, whenever they asked: ‘Who is it for?’ I’d say: ‘Do you know Susan Boyle? I’m the judge on that show.’

“They would be like: ‘Oh my god! Susan Boyle!’ and we would be in.”

And Susan?

“It’s amazing – she seems to have reached every corner of the world. I don’t think she realises her fame is growing. Susan has been in a little bubble in LA making her album and probably thinks the world has forgotten about her.”

Yeah, probably. That little bubble-haired bubble of tuneful air. Pudding, Amanda?

The Sun: “Amanda Holden exclusive chat”

More from Amanda who applauded Boyle’s drudge style and then took the piss out of her on the telly.

“Piers and I went to Simon’s house in LA and he put on Susan’s new track Wild Horses. We sat around his candlelit pool with it ringing out into the dark night. I had goose pimples.”

Susan had a burger and chips.

“I expected Susan to be good – but I didn’t expect the song choice to be so genius and to suit her so well. It was a cross between Kate Bush and Barbra Streisand.”

Barbara Bush can sing? And is that brown sauce on the end of Amanda’s nose?

Burbank Leader: A print shop in California is closing its doors.

So after 41 years, PIP Burbank is closing its doors. The same week that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said that the recession is “very likely over,” I will be looking for a new job for the first time in 21 years…

My first reaction is sadness and disbelief. I hate to see a Burbank tradition go after all these years… My second reaction is one of panic…

But it is my third reaction that I am now concentrating on. I have decided to use this newfound “opportunity” as my Susan Boyle moment.

The Guardian: “Britain’s got gardening talent”

I have a theory that Simon Cowell may have infiltrated the RHS. It might sound far-fetched, but you have to admit there’s something more than a little X Factor or Britain’s Got Talent about its latest wheeze – the RHS Olympic Park Great British Garden Competition…

But the part that made me realise why this competition is so worthwhile was Skandan Sithamparanatham’s simple but effective wheel design entry, of which he wrote: “I am entering this competition after my geography teacher, Miss Tharlow, encouraged me to and I believe my garden could be a feature of the Olympics.” To my mind that is more inspirational than the Susan Boyle and Danyl Johnson auditions put together, and quite frankly makes me wish I’d had a better geography teacher.

The Mirror: “Postman Pat to deliver in movie role”

Children’s favourite Postman Pat is to become a 3D movie star. In the feature film, Pat will discover he has an amazing singing voice. And he has a Susan Boylestyle transformation from sleepy postie to national hero and wins a Britain’s Got Talent-type contest.

And then Judge Wendy Holden gets her kits off for a lad’s mag?

Pat, who even meets a character based on X Factor mogul Simon Cowell, is forced to choose between his rural life delivering mail and international superstardom.

And a cat…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts | Comment (1)

Drag Queens Knock Out Swansea Street Yobs: Video

TO Swansea Magistrates Court, where two men are accused of starting a fight with Spiderman before and getting knocked out by two cross-dressers.

Dean Jonathan Gardner, 19, and Jason Andrew Fender, 22, were in The Kingsway in the early hours of August 30.

Mark Davies, defending the pair, says:

“Unfortunately they were extremely drunk, and you know it cannot have been a good night when you get into a fight with Spiderman and two cross-dressing men.”

The two cross-dressers are believed to have been cage fighters on a night out. (that you Alex Reid?)

One man is wearing black hot pants and a pink wig. The other is wearing a short black dress and stockings and suspenders. Having administered the coup de grace, one drag act leans over the prone yobbos to retrieve his dropped clutch bag.

Both plead guilty to using abusive words and behaviour.

Magistrates award each with a community order each for four months. They are also ordered to be given an electronic tag, and to remain under house curfew between 7pm and 7am.

Alex Reid is innocent. Video:

Image: Outside The Beltway

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment (1)

Katie Price And Peter Andre Consider Getting Back Together

Katie Price and Peter Andre Watch: Peter’s “shit” song, the reconciliation and the truth about Alex Reid’s cross-dressing…

DIGNIFIED Peter Andre has turned to song to vent his frustrations at ex-wife Katie Price and her lover Alex Reid in his new TV reality show.
In ITV2’s Peter Andre: The Next Chapter (Peter got to keep the title in the divorce) Peter sings:

“It’s a piece of s***, it’s a piece of s***.”

All together now:

“Take a hike down to Devil’s Dyke, you ain’t worth s**t – and maybe this song’ll be a hit.”

Reports say this is a slight at Katie Price. But might it be rare moment of self-awareness in Peter’s oeuvre?

But Peter’s already set his divorce to music. And it might be time to look elsewhere for our celebrity sensation. But what’s this? In Now magazine, there is news of a reconciliation in “Jordan and Peter Andre’s last minute U-turn”:

It was the devastating moment when Jordan realised Peter Andre was the man for her after all.

As he roamed backstage at the MOBO Awards in Glasgow, shaking hands and hugging the likes of La Toya Jackson, Jordan sobbed at home: ‘Why do we have to go through with it? I don’t want a divorce.’

But behind his fixed smile for the cameras, This Morning’s ‘roving reporter’ Peter, 36, was feeling exactly the same sorrow. He told his brother Mike: ‘My life isn’t the same without her.’

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Lily Allen’s Chanel Barn Dance In Pictures

FRONT-page news in the Independent is Lily Allen’s performance at Karl Lagerfeld’s Chanel fashion show in Paris.

Lily has risen from the floor of a stage barn scene to sing a song about her rubbish lover. Perhaps a farm is the perfect place for an Allen encore? And, yes, this is the same Lily Allen that the Mirror reported had retired from music:

Guests filing into the Grand Palais were greeted by hop sacks, garlands of flowers and a giant haystack. A huge Chanel-branded barn sat centre-stage. Cock-a-doodle-doo squawked the soundtrack, and then the bucolic festivities began…

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

The Real Story Of Kevin McGee And Matt Lucas

KEVIN McGee has died. He was briefly married to Matt Lucas, the TV star. And the media goes to work giving the dead man’s life meaning. Yesterday, Mr McGee was “Little Britain Star Matt’s Ex Found Dead” – today he is front-page news. The next biggest thing to a celebrity dying is someone who once knew a celebrity dying:

“The tragic truth behind suicide of Little Britain star’s husband” – Daily Mail

“Why Matt’s ex killed himself” – Daily Mirror

“Lucas ex blew £2million on drugs and booze” – Daily Star

“Matt’s battle of get ex off coke” – The Sun

The story is not about Kevin McGee, of course, it’s about Matt Lucas.

Well, he might not even be about him, as the Star scurries around for some stardust and delivers:

Telly presenter Davina McCall, 41, yesterday sent Matt a message on Twitter saying: “Hello, it’s Davina here. Someone on Twitter told me you were having a tough time so I’m sending you a hug.”

But what about Lucas. Is he ok? The Sun knows:

The Little Britain funnyman, 35, was last night in a “black hole of despair” after former civil partner Kevin McGee, 32, hanged himself.

He’s in a black hole of despair or the man who killed himwelf is? At least Lucas is not alone:

The distraught comic refused to leave his apartment in the centre of the capital. Little Britain co-star David Walliams, 38, spent hours comforting him behind drawn curtains yesterday. Last night he and comic Jimmy Carr, 37, nipped out to fetch him a Chinese. Dale Winton also dropped by with a condolence card.

The Express adds more celebrity mourners:

COMEDIAN Matt Lucas was being comforted by his Little Britain co-star David Walliams yesterday after his former partner Kevin McGee was found hanged.

The stars are there for Matt Lucase, as is the Mirror which delivers this charming headline to comfort him:

Matt Lucas: Ex husband Kevin McGee ‘killed himself after discovering Little Britain star had found new love’

The story – added by “MATT DIED OF A BROKEN HEART” – is based on the opinion of a namesless source:

A friend of Kevin’s said last night: “It seems he just couldn’t get over the fact there could be someone else in Matt’s life.

But the pick of the headlinse is with the blog SameSame, which learns of a man who hanged himself and tells its readers:

Little Britain Star ‘Floored’

How’s that for a tribute?

Anorak

Posted: 7th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Ralph Lauren Challenges Conventional Modelling Images With New Jeans Campaign

HATS off, hips, off, waist off and almost all traces of fat and pelvis off to Ralph Lauren for breaking the mould that models have to look like pre-pubescent boys – and not just the boys – with this advert.

Having a head bigger than your pelvis need not be barrier to a career in front-line modelling, says Eddie.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, The Consumer | Comment

Michelle Obama Tries For A Baby As Larry Craig’s Gay Obama Story Goes To Congress

LARRY Sinclair says he had sex and did drugs with Barack Obama in 1999. He’s written about it on his book “Barack Obama & Larry Sinclair – Coke, Sex Lies & Murder”.

The title shows just how serious things are, with Craig putting his own name below Obama’s. Should the book sell well then look out for Larry Craig & Barack Obama – More, Coke, More Sex, More Lies & More Murder II.

Should that also be a hit, then Craig will surely set about creating a book that itself enters the Guinness Book of Records for the longest title and the most use of ampersands. So long will the title be that there will be another book needed for the actual copy.

It’s impressive stuff from Sinclair, who has self-published his first tome.

Now in “MICHELLE WINS”, the Enquirer tells us that Michelle Obama has succeeded in getting the book, er, ignored. Says Craig:

“I think it’s time to start exposing the truth in a less public way.”

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)

Sarah Palin’s Signed X Box for Sale, Levi Johnston Goes Nuts

WHO wants an X Box singed by Sarah Palin? Right, you all do. Now, who wants an X box designed by Sarah Palin for $1.1million?

“The Sarah Palin Signed Autograph XBOX 360 Story:

My name is David Morrill. I live in Alberta Canada and I have always wanted to drive the Alaskan highway from my home near Edmonton Alberta, all the way to Alaska. This trip is about a 7000km / 4300mi round trip. I figured that since I was going up there anyway, I should try to see the most famous person from that state, so I timed my trip with the governors picnic in Wasilla. When the governors picnic took place, there were hordes of people trying to see her, but I pushed my way through the crowd to the front of the line. When I was in front of Sarah Palin, I told her that I had traveled three days to see her and asked her to sign my Xbox360. She said it was the most extravagant thing she had ever been asked to sign. I shook her hand, removed myself from the crowd, and then I packed up my Xbox360 and headed home. It was one of the greatest thrills of my life to have watched Sarah Palin on CNN, SNL, Youtube, and then to see her right in front of me. If you would like to learn more about me, you may click on my user ID.”

Levi Johnston must be kicking himself that he never asked Sarah plain to sign his nuts…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (5)

Brad Pitt’s Life Of Hell, Beer, Wine, Beards And Chips

IN this week’s National Enquirer, news that Angelina Jolie is “DESTROYING” Brad Pitt, Justin Timberlake’s Rihanna-Biel “LOVE TRIANGLE” and “HOW NICOLE RICHIE LOST 14LBS IN 7 DAYS.”

Brad And Angelina En France:

News is that “BRAD’S FALLING APART”. He’s “bloated” and haggard” as he endures a “life of hell” with Angelina Jolie. He’s losing his looks and it’s “crushing his spirit.”

You can see just how crushed Brad is as he tours a Syrian camp for dispossessed Iraqis on his and Angelina’s Little Donkey Tour of the Middle East.

That’s Brad Pitt with the “unkempt Colonel Sanders-style beard”, the tatty chin with bits of chicken fat, coleslaw and gristle in the creases.

That beard keeps getting longer to hide Brad’s tall stack of chins. Can the chin hair grow in step with his chins? It’s the big talking point.

Meanwhile, back at the chateau, a game of hide and seek is being enacted:

“Brad’s answer to these problems has been to hide away with a bottle of wine and some beer, which is easy for him because the chateau is enormous and he can slip to the other side of the property and stay there for days on end. He’ll find himself some French cheese and meats and grab some olives, chips and other greasy goods. Then he washes it down with bottle after bottle of expensive wine and super-strong European beer, which is his favourite.”

It is a living hell.

Justin Timberlake, Rihanna and Jessica Biel

Rihanna’s people say that Justin Timberlake must end it with Jessica Biel if he is to have any chance to dating Rihanna, who Justin is not dating but might if he drops Jessica Biel.

Only if Timberlake stops dating Biel can he even think of dating Rihanna.

And what foes for Rihanna, goes too for Kirstie Alley, Madonna, Helen Shapiro, Sarah ‘Fergie’ Ferguson and Cheryl Cole…

Perspective With Mary Jo Eustace, Dean McDermott and Tori Spelling

Mary Jo has a new book out. It’s called Divorce Sucks. In it she speaks of her ex-husband Dean McDermott and how he and Tori hooked up:

“I guess I always knew that after the years of mini bombs, one day there would be a big, fat Hiroshima.”

After that, Mary Jo gathers herself to talk of a picture she saw of Tori with her legs raised about a prone Dean. And she delivers the bombshell:

“I will never feel the same way about cowboy boots again.”

And you thought there was only one way to think about cowboy boots.

Nicole Richie Slims Down

Did you know that Nicole Richie lost 14 pounds – in weight! -after giving birth to a baby that weighed 7lbs 14oz. Add on the attachments and the water and the breast feeding and the miracle is not that Richie lost weight but that she had any weight left to lose…

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, National Enquirer | Comments (2)

Strictly Come Dancing ‘Paki’ Row: Simon Cowell Pushes Anton Du Beke Through A Hole In The Wall

MORE on the Strictly Come Dancing race row as Laila Rouass tells of her “Race Jibe Agony” at the cruel mouth and hairy hands of Anton Du Beke, aka Tony Beak, featuring special guest star X Factor’s Simon Cowell.

The story so far:

Rouass arrives from a spray tan session:

ADB: Oh my God, you look like a Paki!”
Rousass: Agog.
ADB: I must say immediately and categorically that I am not a racist and that I do not use racist language.

Apart from when he, er, does.

Now to the breaking news. The Mirror’s Nicola Methven says Rouass was “comforted by Simon Cowell after Anton Du Beke’s comments”.

This is the Saturday night cross-pollination we’ve been hoping for, a little X Factor hype injected into po-faced Strictly, literally (right , Dermot Leary?). Methven has more:

It was the biggest, glitziest showbiz party of the year – and Laila Rouass had been looking forward to it for weeks. But suddenly the Strictly Come Dancing star just couldn’t face it.

She was devastated after learning that dance partner Anton Du Beke’s comments – in which he branded her a “P***” – were to be made public.

So here’s Simon to, er, comfort:

And all she wanted to do was go home and bury her face in a pillow.

Oh, come on readers you love a bit of smut and innuendo. It’s the staple of Saturday entertainment nights past, present and future.

But first, out of politeness, she tearfully rang her friend, X Factor boss Simon Cowell, to explain why she couldn’t make it to his 50th birthday bash.

Saddened and shocked to hear that her being called a Paki was made public by someone mysterious – any guesses? – we read that Rouass made a private phone call to Simon Cowell. Go on:

She poured out her heart – and immediately found a shoulder to cry on. The music mogul listened sympathetically, offering words of comfort and advice. Finally he persuaded her that there was nothing she could do about the situation – so she may as well come along to the do.

And it all made its way into the papers.

Meanwhile, over at the BBC’s GollyWog Commission a small gonk says:

“It’s done and dusted now, and a line has been drawn under the whole matter. Laila has forgiven Anton and that’s what really matters. He is utterly mortified and realises it was a totally unacceptable thing to say. But it has been put down to silly banter that went too far. Anton has offered a full apology and they are both happy to leave it at that.”

Du Beak is no ordinary toe-tapper, and has presented the daytime BBC One series Step up to the Plate, a appearanced on BBC One’s Celebrity Star Spell, Test The Nation, Celebrity The Weakest Link, Question of Sport Christmas Special and Graham Norton’s Big Finish, competed in the BBC Two series Underdogs and can now be seen fronting Hole In The Wall.

The BBC is protecting a man it has invested a lot of money in. Well, not a lot of money, just enough to cover the raw ingredients on a daytime cooking show, a mop and a mini cab.

The big question, though, is what’s going to happen to Hole In The Wall though, the show Anton du Beke faces?

Well, after a crisis meeting at the BBC, the show will go on. And we have exclusive pictures of the new set. What could possibly go wrong..?

Anorak

Posted: 6th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Stephen Fry Twitters His Private Email Address, Disasater Follows

TOP Twitter user Stephen Fry has posted his private email address on Twitter. Hey, he’s among friends.

Fry is the UK’s No.2 Twitter user, having been overtaken by Sarah Brown.

What Sarah’s address is, we cannot say – what with her soon being on the move to a new street in a new town…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Levi Johnston’s Nuts Are Sarah Palin’s Kill Of The Day

LEVI. Playgirl mo-del Levi Johnston. “Now Levi Johnston does it with protection.” From dating Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol Palin and given her a bay-bee, Levi is now the nuts of nuts.

The advert seems to be saying that to date a Palin you need to be mentally ill, or that if you spend too long in Alaska your testes become coated in an impervious rock-like substance that needs a huge minder to crack.

Poor Levi. He needs to worry not about the fans mobbing up but to listen out for the sound of helicopters and the scream “Pull!”

The company behind the advert, Wonderful Pistachios, invites nuts lovers:

Show us how you Get Crackin’ and you could win $25,000 and see your spot on TV!

Hear that Sarah Palin? All you need do is crack Levi’s nuts with the claws of that giant crap you keep in your wallet and you win enough money to watch the Olympics in Rio…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comment

The X Factor 12: The Infectious Olly Murs, Bronze Age Danyl Johnson And Acid Kandy Rain

WE’RE down to the last dozen in the X Factor. Anorak gives you pen portraits of the runners and riders:

OVER 25s

Olly Murs – Say his name quickly and it sounds like a child hood infection. “Oh, yes,” says the mum at the school gates. “He’s got Olly Murs, all over his back and groin.” One day everyone will want Olly Murs. But with Robbie Williams still around that day is not any time soon.

Danyl Johnson – That Danyl spells his name with a ‘y’ is the first and second most interesting thing about him. The third most remarkable thing is that when he sings he actually makes himself wince. He also looks like a Bronze Age version of Will Young trying to light a fire with his stare.

Jamie Archer – Jamie has huge hair. Vote now and often to keep Jamie on the stage so that no-one ever has to sit behind him at a concert, film or on a bus.

BOYS

Joe McElderry – The north east’s answer Marti Pellow – if the question was, “What’s wetter than Marti Pellow?”

Lloyd Daniels – Blessed with an expression that says he left his geography homework on the bus and doesn’t care who knows it. Lloyd Daniels sounds a bit like Danielle Lloyd, the nation’s sweetheart. Look out for Lloyd taking his top off and setting off on a jinking run through the Spurs ladies football team.

Rikki Loney – He’s the cat in the hat. Rikki wears a hat because a) he’s going bald; b) it was his dying mum’s last wish; c) anything that distract you from his voice is worth a try; d) it’s what Michael Jackson would have wanted.

GIRLS

Stacey Solomon – The winner.

Rachel Adedegi – Devoid of the girly prettiness that the likes of her mentor Dannii Minogue pays big bucks for, Rachel needs to actually rely on her singing to win the X Factor. As such, she is shafted – but looks more than capable of wiping the smirk from any winner’s face – literally (right, Dermot?).

Lucie Jones – Lucie is Welsh. The Welsh, as we are often told are to singing what the Canadians are to seal clubbing. Lucie’s Welshness should secure her lots of votes from her army of Welsh fans who will drape themselves in dragon-themed flags to say how proud they are of Lucie, how all of Wales is praying for her and how Wales – did we mention wales? – is all about the singing, as anyone who has heard Cardiff fans giving full throat to “He’s sad, he’s fat, He is a f*cking twat, Leighton James, Leighton James…” will tunefully attest.

GROUPS

Kandy Rain – They used to be strippers. One of them used to do porn. If you thought stripping porn stars couldn’t sing you have not heard Kandy Rain. One listen and you’ll know…

Miss Frank – The name suggests a drag act. The music suggests being dragged out to a drunken night in a local karaoke bar.

John & Edward – When they Come to make Midwich Cuckoos The Musical, John and Edward will be shoo-ins for at least two of the lead roles. Hateful. Terrible. Depressing. Pretty much why the show is a hit.

The X Factor – making tomorrow’s has-beens…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Gay Hating Drivers Deliberately Run Into Faggots And Dykes

CAMPAIGNERS for the Protection Of English (POE) are at war with gay campaigners in light of the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency’s decision to remove from sale the number plates F4 GOT and D1 KES.

The agency says the plates bear resemblance to the terms faggot and dykes, on grounds of “the clear potential offence“.

Hard luck for meatball lovers and fans of damns [sic] – your hobby has been undone by the creeping Americanisation of the English language.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (17)

X Factor’s Cheryl Cole On Nice Ashley Cole And Getting Drunk

CHERYL Cole has news for Daily Express readers: “Trust me Ashley is a really nice guy.”

Well, we’re not sure. Some people have said that he’s a bit of a ****. But Cheryl is married to the footballer so we should listen to her.

Why she’s telling us about her husband is less clear, and our first impression was that she was using the Express – the quote is taken from Cheryl’s interview in Elle magazine – to advertise him for dates: Ashley is a really nice guy. He has a GSOH, a collection of absorbent kitchen towels and more caps that Dutch brothel.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Vanessa George: Suicide, Jokes And Spreading The Fear

VANESSA George Watch: The media gets to know the nursery school paedophile – Facebook, suicide and sick jokes…

Daily Star: “GEORGE’S SICK KID-SEX JOKES”

That’s it! She can abuse children, but to make a joke of it is plain wrong.

The sick chat took place on a webpage where someone posted a message claiming he had been “fiddled” with as a kid. George replied “lol”, which stands for Laugh Out Loud. And she added: “I think he needs closure – or another fiddle!”

Not much of a joke. If you want jokes, you might enjoy these, some of which were published in the national press and told on stage before a paying crowd.

Bristol Evening News: “Steve Scott: Child abuse nursery worker was devil disguised”

The devil disguised with a smile and a nursery worker’s uniform. There but for the grace of God goes every single parent reading this who has used a nursery.

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)

Strictly Come Dancing: Alesha Dixon’s Death Threats

STRICTLY Come Dancing youngest magistrate Alesha Dixon has been “axed”.

It’s drastic. But nine out of ten dance fans writing on the BBC’s message boards did want Dixon dead, and the national’ broadcaster lacks relevancy if it cannot deliver what the viewers want.

And the killing of Alseha Dixon gets the BBC off the hook, allowing producers to cut their losses with the reviled Dixon and create the kind of sympathetic back story the show needs.

There are rumours of the dancers and celebrities fighting over which of them could wield the axe – dancer Anton du Beke said he needed to win back the public after his Paki outburst and Phil Tufnell was keen to squash rumours of his being a joker and not taking the dance show seriously.

As for the gore:

STRICTLY Come Dancing judge Alesha Dixon will be replaced by sacked Arlene Phillips for the show’s live tour.

As a BBC source puts it:

A BBC spokesman said: “Alesha has prior commitments.”

Dance fans may recalls that New magazine told us back in September that the former judge is being considered in case, er, Kate Thornton is unavailable.

Of course, the real reason why Dixon can’t attend is not because she’s dead nor less than keen to spend a summer sat in provincial halls and piers watching Ricky Whittle undo his buttons, but because she is scared to leave her front door and will be forced to flee to the Maldives…

Anorak

Posted: 5th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

X Factor: Danni Minogue Sends Danyl Johnson To Poland

IN other X Factor news, this season has seen a welter of gratuitous spellings and talented vowels. Acts wondering how Dannii Minogue got on in the music industry find the secret of her success in that second “i”.

The Final 24 took in:

De-Tour
Lucie Jones
Lloyd Daniels
Rikki Loney
Treyc Cohen
Danyl Johnson

If Dannii can form this lot into an act – or a decent sized duffel bag – they can dropped from a plane over Poland, where vowels are in short supply.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, October 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)