Katie Price Rape: Prince Charles And Kinky Sex

KATIE Price Rape: Starring Princess Diana, Prince Charles, Jordan, Tony Parsons, Peter Andre’s kinky boots and a sex shop…

TONY Parsons would like to tell us “Why Jordan is our new Princess Diana.”

Is it because Peter Andre is shagging tampon-featured Camilla on the back seat of a 1978 Jensen Interceptor? Parsons has more questions of his own ask:

How did Jordan become the most despised woman in the country? Any other woman who revealed that she had been raped would be treated with a degree of human compassion.

Diana was raped? Parsons goes on:

She may go off the Ibiza rails every once in a while but she is no worse than the average binge-drinking young Brit.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

David Beckham Quits LA Galaxy For A New Team

WITH one month to go until the season ends, David Beckham’s future in the US Soccerball leagues is uncertain.

Will David stay at LA Galaxy? Is the Galaxy big enough for David Beckham? What does the Galaxy over LA smell like and can it be branded and then decanted into an atomiser for him and cologne for her?

Says Day-vid:

“I’m a Galaxy player now.”

Only another three more years to go and that contract will be at its end. Who in Britain cannot wait for Day-vid to lift the big trophy with the LA Gs and leave on a high?

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Madeleine McCann Is Playing In London’s Negative Space

MADELEINE McCann has been entertaining media ghouls for three summers. But she’s not been a play. Until now.

As the poster shows, the play should be best watched through a piece of smoked glass and with a Simon Says machine pumping out the notes to Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

Hey, any reaction to the play is better than none, right?

And after the films and the telly shows and the omnibus and the books and the jokes and the PR and the armchair detection you can watch the play.

It’s called Negative Space, and it’s playing at London’s New End theatre. Writing in The Stage, Jonathan Lovett has more:

A missing child is one of the most devastating events in the history of a family. Not knowing if they’re dead or alive induces a form of paralysis that corrodes its sanity as they wait forever for some kind of closure.

As do we all. Grab an ice-cream and bag of Revels – save the orange ones for good causes. Are missing kids your bag? Go on:

Set in the same year as the disappearance of Madeleine McCann, Sternberg and Wayne’s bold attempt to portray the grief of another distraught family is thoughtful and provocative, even if it ultimately fails to mine too deeply the pits of emotion such a tragedy provokes.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (3)

Gladiator Haunted By Katie Price’s Rapist

GOOD news for amateur detectives investigating the identity of the “very famous” celebrity who raped Katie Price.

Because no news is good news.

Police investigation into Katie Price rape claim stalls after she refuses to co-operate

No investigation:

Detectives are unlikely to investigate a claim by model Katie Price that she was raped unless she co-operates with them.

No information:

Surrey Police said officers ‘lack substantiated information’ about allegations made by the 31-year-old that she was raped by a mystery celebrity.

No crime:

A spokesman said an ‘incident’ has been recorded but Price must speak to them if they are to formally record a crime and start an inquiry.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Susan Boyle Fakes It And Robbie Williams Fears

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Susan Boyle’s a TV fake on , Elaine Paige recalls, The Beatles are the Four Susan Boyles and Robbie Williams foresees a nervous breakdown…

The Daily Star brings the shocking news: “Susan’s live gig a fake.”

As Anorak already reported, Susan Boyle did not sing live at the final of America’s Got Talent. Boyle sang her wrong-speed version of Wild Horses the day before the show.

She’s not a fake because she was not introduced as singing live. It was just that TeeVee, that most mendacious of media, did nto discourage viewers from believing that she was.

Producers then blended her performance into the actual show, making it appear that she was singing live. The 48-year-old spinster proved a huge hit with 45 million Americans.

Hold on a mo? In highligint the fakeries of the TV game, the daily Star has upped Susan Boyle’s fan club from 25 million to 45million. Top that TV!

Anyhow, how gtreat was Susan!

TVNZ: “Susan Boyle outshone by Shakira”

HuffPo: “She wasn’t even a competitor on the show, but Susan Boyle arguably stole the finale of “America’s Got Talent” Wednesday night when she made her US television singing debut.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts | Comments (3)

Katie Price’s Alleged Rapist Speaks Out

KATIE Price says she was raped by a “very famous” celebrity and the clues to the rapist’s identity come thicker and faster than Jack Tweed on his way to jail.

Whoooa! Tweed is not the rapist; he’s innocent. That is a fact. Other top celebrities who did not rape Katie Price include Michael Jackson, James Dean, Bobby Charlton, Susan Boyle, the Queen Mother and Nookie Bear.

The Daily Mirror takes up the cry of the nation and screams from its front page: “TELL US WHO RAPED YOU.”

Defiant Jordan yesterday told police they were wasting their time trying to get her to name the star she alleges raped her.

Detectives vowed to probe the sex attack allegations and asked her to tell them who the celebrity was. They said: “If you make an official complaint, we will investigate this crime.”

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

The Kanye West Meme Gallery (Updated)

KANYE West is now the subject of an internet game, a meme. You have to take the phrase “I’m really happy for you, I’ll let you finish but [insert name] had one of the best [insert object] of all time…” and apply the words to a new tableau.

So far, via: via; more.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Loch Ness Gollum Monster Washes Up In Panama: Pictures

NO sharks in the seas this summer, but the long wait for a tabloid monster is over  – Gollum Ness is discovered languishing on rock in Panama, where, as is alleged has it, local children on their way to a kebab shop beat it to death. As reported:

According to reports in Panama, the teenagers spotted the creature crawling out of a cave while playing in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City. Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them, the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water.

And then? And then.. And then it went missing.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (8)

Queen Mother Swore At Jimmy Carter And Fancied Princess Diana

NOT only is Princess Diana back, but so too is the Queen Mother, who one might suppose features on the Express’ cover to make Diana look even more radiant.

The Daily Express recognises that its readers are too old to learn anything news so continues to publish images and news from the past to reassure them that things are as they ever were and ever will be.

Tomorrow, there’s a look at Princess Diana’s wedding arrangements with go-ahead designer Mary Quant and the Queen Mum is due to visit London’s East End to tell Doodlebug victims that they shan’t be coming back to her palace because they have dirty feet and even in a time of much upheaval standards are all. There will be much cheering.

Reading on we learn that a new biography of the Queen Mum has been penned and it includes in its 1,096 pages, possibly:

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)

Susan Boyle’s Pre-Recorded Song For America’s Got Talent Final

SUSAN Boyle Watch: Susan Boyle sings on the live final of NBC’s America’s Got Talent and the world reacts.

Britain’s Got Talent superstar Susan Boyle has faced the biggest audience of her career, singing in front of 25 million viewers on US television. Well, not quite. Her performance was recorded the night before the show. What viewers saw was a recording made to look as if she were singing live. Still, not everyone noticed:

* “SuBo has received a “standing ovation” for her performance on America’s Got Talent, the sister version of the Britian’s Got talent” – Sky

Did you get off your sofa and clap?

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

All The Clues To Help Identify Katie Price’s Rapist

ANOTHER day and with it another clue in tracking down Katie Price’s celebrity rapist.

Rape victims of ordinary non-celebrity sex attackers need not be bitter.

They too can pore over the clues.

What we know so far is that Katie was raped a while ago, before she married pop acorn Peter Andre, and that the rapist is not just famous but “very famous”.

Now the star announces on its front page:

“Celeb who raped me has raped before.”

Is it Mike Tyson? Fatty Arbuckle? Ghengis Khan?

The name of Kate Price’s alleged celebrity rapist is circulating in showbiz circles as police prepare to swoop on her luxury mansion. But in an explosive live TV rant yesterday the glamour girl refused to co-operate with officers and says she will take the name to her grave.

Can she please write the name down on an implant and maybe stick it to her forehead. That way, we can all find out the rapist’s identity by peering through the Swarovski Crystal coffin.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (13)

Jennifer Aniston Compares Herself To Bambi

JENNIFER Aniston wants to tell us that she has not had her breasts enhanced. She wants to tell us that she has “lots of energy”.

But above all she wants to tell us:

“But now that I’m that bit older, my fears have dropped away and I fell I have all this freedom to explore the world – like Bambi going out to explore the forest.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Hello!, Key Posts | Comment

Lily Allen Blasts File Sharing And Radiohead

LILY Allen writes for The Times, delivering “my message for big stars who back piracy – ‘It’s all right for established musicians, but file sharing will strangle new talent’.”

Music piracy is having a dangerous effect on British music, but some rich and successful artists such as Nick Mason, of Pink Floyd, and Ed O’Brien, of Radiohead, don’t think so. Last week, they told The Times that file sharing is fine. It probably is for them. They do sell-out arena tours and have the biggest Ferrari collections in the world. For new talent, though, file sharing is a disaster — it makes it harder and harder for new acts to emerge.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Katie Price’s Rapist Give Hope To Women

KATIE Price is cradling Junior Andre on the cover of OK!.

“MY RAPIST IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY,” says Katie. OK! promises a “shocking interview and pictures.”

There is something about the headline that suggests being raped by a celebrity is better than being raped by a run-off-the-mill rapist, and that a famous celebrity is even better.

In refuges now are abused women bemoaning their dumb luck that their rapist was a workshy boyfriend who couldn’t even be bothered to appear on The Jeremy Kyle Show. What a bastard.

Anorak

Posted: 16th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, OK! | Comments (3)

Katie Price Reveals Rapist’s Identity

KATIE Price says she was raped. And then the other heeled clog drops: Katie says the rapist is a well-known celebrity.

So who is this celebrity?

“A famous celebrity raped me and Peter knows who it was. It was years ago before I was with Pete, and my friends and family knew about it at the time.”

Next week, Katie might tell us the colour of the rapist’s hair. Then she will maybe say where she was raped and give us a clue as to whether it involved lead piping, a rope or a gun. Then we’ll be able to play Strip Cluedo, Celebrity Edition, using our vibrating pieces to race around the board from Anand Jon Alexander, Fatty Arbuckle, Mike Tyson and whoever it was who Ulrika Jonsson said raped her in her book.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts, OK! | Comments (8)

Jaycee Dugard: Media Funds Phillip Garrido’s Bail

JAYCEE Dugard continues to interests the media, and the media continues its campaign to make the kidnap and rape of a child even worse. The National Enquirer brings news that Nancy Garrido is:

“JAYCEE SHE-DEVIL UNMASKED!”

Readers learn that “lawmen say the 54-year-old woman is really Garrido’s evil EQUAL and partner-in-crime…”

FBI agent Ted Gunderson (retired) has the facts:

“I think we’ll learn that Nancy Garrido was up to her eyeballs in this kidnapping, prolonged torture and rape of Jaycee and possibly even Jaycee’s daughters.”

Well, you’re the expert, Ted:

“She may be involved in even more unimaginable and cruel crimes.”

What, worse than the kidnap and rape of a child, who was then forced to bears her rapist’s children? Got any details, for research puposes..?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

Patrick Swayze Is Not Dead, Timeline Of A Star’s Death

PATRICK Swayze has died. No news of his death in today’s papers.

“Someone shouts out, ‘Patrick Swayze is dead!’ and you’re thrown into action straight away,” says Ciara Hunt, Hello! Canada’s editor-in-chief.

In May this year, news of Swayze’s death was followed by a picture of him sat beside his wife Lisa Niemi in a buccolic setting. In March 2008, the National Enquirer gace Swayze five weeks to live.

Such is the drive to screm “First” when a star dies that OK! didn’t let the fact that Jade Goody was still breathing to announce the death, and TMZ just gave an educated guess at Michael Jackson’s state of being, and got lucky.

In May 2009, Swayze died on a Miami radio station.

Entertainment Tonight Canada’s senior executive producer Tamara Simoneau, what people write on their blogs and Twitter accounts is not by any means journalism: “Twitter is the technological rumour mill. It’s a great way for getting our anchors in touch with their audience, but I wouldn’t believe a story that I read on a blog.”

So is Patrick Swayze dead?

“Patrick Swayze passed away peacefully today with family at his side after facing the challenges of his illness for the last 20 months,” said a statement by his publicists Annett Wolf.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Heidi Montag Introduces Reactions To Kanye West, In Pictures

KANYE West advertises the MTV Awards AGM by upstaging Taylor Swift and the media, the web, vested-interest groups and celebs get to work. The making of a media shitstorm, features Heidi Montag, Pink. the Daily Telegrpah, Eammanuel Adebyaor, Barack Obama and lots of LOL …

1: The spoof video mash up

2. The celebs muscle in on the PR War

Anorak

Posted: 14th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Jaycee Dugard Entertains Oprah For One Million Dollars

JAYCEE Lee Dugard – Anorak’s look at Jaycee Dugard in the news: the human bone, child shopping with Nancy Garrido and Oprah Winfrey wins!

AS ever the media challenge is to make the kidnap, rape and insemination of a child worse:

On seeing the schoolgirl, Garrido is said to have told his wife: ‘That’s the one I want. She’s cute, but she’s with the other kids. Let’s come back later and get her.’ Mr Cardoza added: ‘This was nothing less than a child shopping trip. It just makes their actions all the more horrendous and reprehensible.’

And don’t forget that Jaycee Dugard could be you and yours:

Orlando Sentinel: “Why won’t you let your child walk to school?”

Consider this: In 1969, 41 percent of children either walked or biked to school; by 2001, only 13 percent still did, according to data from the National Household Travel Survey.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)

Kanye West’s Pro-Beyonce Anti-Taylor Swift MTV Stunt In Pictures

KANYE West is interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech of singer at the MTV Video Music Awards, New York.

West, whose agape mouth give him the look of a Pekingese eyeing a shoehorn, tells the audience Beyonce should have been won the best female video prize.

“Taylor, I’m really happy for you, and I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce  had one of the best videos of all time.”

I. I.

On Kanye West’s blog apology:

I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I.

Kanye West writes ‘I’ so much he just leaves the caps lock on and waits for an opening.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Michael Jackson’s Secret Sister JohVonnie Tells All

IN “MY PAIN BY JACKO’S SECRET LOVER” Daily Mirror readers meet Michael Jackson’s “secret sister” JohVonnie, who “reveals her pain at being shunned by half-siblings”.

It’s “Sad Jo”:

Michael Jackson’s secret sister today tells of her heartache at being shunned by her famous family for 35 years. JohVonnie Jackson, whose mum was a lover of Jacko’s dad Joe, is close to her father and amazingly gets on with family matriarch Katherine.

Shunned has become something else, and then we get:

“None of my other siblings acknowledged me much.”

So, perhaps, not shunned, just not fully embraced? By the time the article finishes, Johvonnie could be sat in a hot tub at the Jackson compound, braiding Paris Jackson’s and signing official merchandise.

But almost all JohVonnie’s well-known brothers and sisters treat her as an outcast… La Toya would ignore her in shops.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Susan Boyle’s Wild Horses Is No. 1 Pick At Funerals

SUSAN Boyle is back. With the recession cured, Susan is her to make the world a better place. Susan Boyle, the most famous woman on planet Earth, the woman who drove Michael Jackson to drugs, is to release her debut single, a cover version of the Rolling Stones classic, Wild Horses, Wild Hair.

Dressed like the Pope, Susan Boyle touches down in Los Angeles, her city, her people, her angels.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Serena Williams Victim Of US Open Conspiracy, Deep F***ing Throat

SERENA Williams is the victim of a conspiracy at the US Open in what Anorak is calling Deep Fucking Throat.

We join the action as the US Open title-holder is 6-4, 6-5 and 15-30 down. A foot-fault penalty is called against her on her second serve setting up match point for the Belgian, Kim Clijsters. The woman on the grassy knoll says “foot fault“.

Williams goes bonkers. She is soon to be disqualified.

Says Serena Williams to the line judge:

“If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.”

Later overheard adding:

“I never said I would kill you, are you serious?”

Anorak

Posted: 13th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3)

Michael Jackson Wanted To Be A Magnet And Live In Shropshire

MICHAEL Jackson Tribute Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news: Jackson last wish was to be a magnet and settle in Shropshire.

ANYONE want to knows what Michael Jackson’s “LAST WISH” was?

The NoTW says “secret notes” have been found in the star’s home.

MYSTERIOUS messages written by Michael Jackson in his final hours – revealed today for the first time – show the singer’s bizarre state of mind before his drug addiction killed him.

Because when a man is off his faces on drugs and on the brink of death what he says can be taken as gospel?

The notes, written on Post It paper and stuck to a mirror at Chez Jacko. The notes that might have been written by Jackson, or not, with Tabloid Translator:

Anorak

Posted: 13th, September 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (9)

Los Angeles Police Embroiled In Rihanna Pictures For Cash Scandal

THE LOS Angeles Police Department places two police on gardening leave, namely Rebecca Reyes and Blanca Lopez, as it probes how pictures of singer Rihanna’s Chris Brown-battered faced wound up on the TMZ website.

Anorak’s Man in LA investigates:

So who else noticed that the week the Los Angeles Police Department placed two cops on leave in its probe of how its evidence photo of the beaten pop star Rihanna wound up on the corporate gossip site TMZ.com, TMZ’s frontman Harvey Levin was in New York cruising for recruits and being feted at the Columbia School of Journalism?

Anorak

Posted: 13th, September 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment