Angelina Jolie Goes Back To Namibia

IN this week’s Hello! we learn that Coleen Rooney hosts a party in which her unborn baby was the “star party guest”, Angelina Jolie makes a return to Namibia, Andrea Corr is married – exclusively! – and Jason Durr gets his twins…

To Coleen’s Rooney’s Cheshire party.

It turns out that Coleen didn’t order the tattooist but went for the sonographer, who brought along a 4D scanning machine to the party.

“You can see the baby’s features and movement,” says a source.

Pictured.

JASON Durr is an actor on Heartbeat.

He’s also father to twins: Felix Montgomery and Velvet Josephine. Should they ever make it big in the world of showbizniz, Felix is a shoo-in for the cat food gig and Velvet can get the pantyliner contract.

They will also share a terrific anecdote, nay, an “extraordinary, emotional journey that proceeded their arrival”. You see: “The twins were conceived with the help of a Los Angeles-based egg donor…”

In the current climate of Julia Roberts’ twins, Jennifer Lopez’s twins, Sarah Jessica Parker’s twins, Ricky Martin’s twins and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins. Showbiz IVF twins are about as extraordinary as the news that Jordan sleeps on her back.

ON the front page of Hello! is news of “exclusive photos” of the wedding of Andrea Corr to A. Billionaire.

The photos are indeed stunning because there is not shot of the actual wedding, just shots of the wedding party entering a church in Ireland.

Hello! no longer has scoops – it just has a few pictures. And to prove it, the magazine once more dredges up its pictures of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in Namibia for the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (may her name be forever held in the highest organ).

Is it too early to talk of the death of Hello?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Holly Willoughby Presents Harry On This Morning

THE more we see of ITV presenter Holly Willoughby the less likable she becomes.

Happily for Holly, she’s been spending most of her time on ITV2, which means she is supremely popular. But now she’s landed a job as Fern Britton’s replacement on This Morning we will be seeing a lot more of Holly.

In readiness for this, Holly talks with Hello! magazine, and right away introduces her child, a son called harry and her own range of clothes, and did she mention Harry?

“Little Harry” has been on the X Factor tour with Holly. Holly says she “always wanted to be a mum” – now she’s a professional mum:

“I always wanted to be a mum, I couldn’t wait – when I had my maternity leave all I did was watch daytime TV, so now I feel a huge part of the This Morning audience will be people like me, mums with young children – now I’ve got Harry I can empathise with the viewers in that way, which is nice.”

As a mum, Holly will be expected to talk about her child and give knowing looks to the mums back home waiting for the Valium to kick in and Neighbours to start.

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Caster Semenya Scores Three Times Normal Testosterone Levels

MORE news on is she / isn’t she runner Caster Semenya who has testosterone level three times higher than those normally expected in a female sample.

Anorak, meanwhile calls for Berlino the Bear to be tested for human traits. The big brown bear was everywhere at the times, a tireless athlete putting in the yard yards whether it be javelin, 200 meters or what. Is Berlino a man? A woman? A man standing on woman’s shoulders?

Much to debate.

But the press pack ignores the obvious and focuses on a teenage South African. Will she appear in Nuts or Sensible Shoes Monthly?

Anorak

Posted: 25th, August 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (4)

Michael Jackson Obsessed With Adolf Hitler And Pretty Buckley Children

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Jackson buried September 3, PAris’s new private school and the King of Pop’s Hitler obessesion…

News is that Jackson won’t be getting buried for his birthday present. (Oh, how he wanted the anaesthetics and the new O2 oxygen tent. But he accepts with his trademark good grace.)

Sun Sentinel: “Michael Jackson’s funeral postponed 5 days; will now be Sept. 3”

Michael Jackson won’t be laid to rest on what would have been his 51st birthday after all. A spokesman for the Jackson family says the King of Pop’s funeral has been postponed until Sept. 3, five days after the singer’s birthday.

What they gonna get Jackson for his birthday present now?

NOTW: “MICHAEL Jackson acted like Dr Frankenstein to create a perfect family of test-tube children, the News of the World can reveal today.”

Everyone gets daddy’s nose, right? The NOTW delivers the sensations in bullet points:

* KEPT dossiers on “ideal looking” children.
* LITTERED his bedroom with medical books on IV treatment.
* SUFFERED fertility problems due to drug abuse.
* ATTEMPTED to adopt a child from Bangkok.
* BEGGED Hollywood A-list pals to donate eggs and sperm.
* PORED over details of Nazi “master race” experiments.

Jackson was a Nazi lovin’, drug takin’, blank shootin’ amateur gynaecologist who observed children and was on nodding with orphans in Bangkok? A few weeks back he was just the King of Pop. Jackson’s been busy.

Very soon they’ll be comparing Michael Jackson to Hitler, as the 10th Ruel of tabloid journlism dictates.

He was obsessed with Adolf Hitler, collected Nazi medals and scoured books about evil experiments on prisoners at Auschwitz.

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (19)

Katie Price’s Lover Alex Reid In Rape Video Shock

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Divorce: Katie Price’s new man stars in “hardcore porn” film Killer Bitch with children’s telly star and Jordan is a “slag”…

Carole Aye Maung and Dan Wootton tell NOTW readers:

JORDAN’S new boyfriend is starring in a vile and degrading hardcore porn film, the News of the World can reveal. We have seen sickening footage from the film Killer Bitch shot YESTERDAY which shows cage-fighter Alex Reid in a disgusting rape and strangling scene.

Not good rape. This is “disgusting rape”. So “DISGUSTING” is it that beneath a picture of Reid with his hand about a woman’s throat, the NOTW writes:

“DISGUSTING: Reid throttles co-star Yvette.”

Ready to be disgusted some more?

The disgusting footage we have seen filmed in woods in Capel, Surrey, shows Reid, 34, stripping co-star Yvette Rowland down to her red and black lingerie before straddling her. Grunting and swearing coarsely, he pulls down his jeans and his Calvin Klein underpants to expose himself fully for the cameras. The next scenes are too vile to describe in a family paper but end with him grabbing Yvette in a stranglehold and throttling her.

Too vile to describe in a family newspaper. (Yvette Rowland was once in children’s telly show Byker Grove). But they’re fine for the NOTW. And which in the Sunday People mutates into:

“JORDAN FURY AT LOVER’S ROMP IN WOODS”

The People knows and having told readers, “neither he nor Yvette went totally naked”, hears a soruce trill: “Neither Alex or Yvette had any problems with stripping off.”

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Kerry Katona’s Extra Nostril Filled With Bacon Fat, Pictures

NEWS now on Kerry Katona, aka Cocaine Kerry, and that “a bit of Kerry’s nose fell out.”

What it fell out of, we can only guess, but the smart money is on a tin of biscuits or a packet of Iceland Boozie Brownies.

In the News of the World, Dan Wootton sniffs out the truth:

COCAINE addict Kerry Katona failed to realise the horrific damage her drug-snorting is inflicting even when part of her nose FELL OUT in the bathroom.

As she held out the stray bit of nostril in her outstretched hand, fallen Atomic Kitten pop idol Kerry confessed: “I’ve got a hole in the nose ‘cos of the coke. This has just come out.”

All the better to fit a straw into, you may suppose. But the TV star’s “stepsister and closest confidante Pat Ferrier was right there and shocked by what she saw and heard”.

And now the confidante tells the Sunday tabloids about what she saw, confidentially:

“We were in America for our dad’s funeral last year when the hole first started to develop. Kerry was in the bathroom for ages. I’d seen her take the tweezers in and I said, ‘What you doing?’

“She said, ‘I’ll be out in a minute.’ Then in her hand she’s got this thing that she dragged out of this hole in her nose. It looked like when you get the fat off bacon. I’ve got a strong stomach but that was almost too much.”

If you had to eat any celebrity, Kerry Katona would surely feature pretty high on the list, a kebab-reared mix of bacon fat and alcohol. If the breast implants could come stuffed with a sage and onion mix, all to the good for self-basting Kerry:

“Kerry’s life is out of control now. She IS a drug addict. Her nose IS caving in – I’ve seen it with my own eyes. She needs to get help or she’ll DIE…

Shockingly, Kerry agreed with me. She just turned around and said, ‘I’m going to tell you something Pat. My mum will outlive me. I’ll die young.’ “

And thus Kerry Katona becomes the victim of, well, something. As she tells the Sunday Mirror:

“No one forced me to do it, I’m a grown-up woman and I did it because I was very unhappy at the time and thought it might make me feel better about myself. I have been crying and been at my wit’s end since it happened…

“They [Drugs] don’t make you look cool, they make you look an idiot, and all your insecurities and self-hate – the main reasons I took them in the first place – are only made worse.”

But let’s put the Katona nose in perspective. How big is the hole, and can it be passed off as Kerry’s tribute to Michael Jackson?

The telltale hole in Kerry’s nose is not yet as bad as the cocaine damage infamously suffered by ex-EastEnders star Danniella Westbrook, whose septum – the dividing wall between the nostrils – was almost completely eroded. But stepsister Pat revealed: “The hole has got bigger and has penetrated through to the other side. Kerry can put the end of her glasses into it.”

Disgusting, but useful – and cheaper than a piece of string. It might even be the talent that keeps Kerry at the apogee of the British showbiz movement.

“She’s shown it to people. And it makes this funny whistling sound when she breathes through her nose.”

Life keeps getting better for Kerry. If she can hold a tune then the future is rosy. Onwards and upwards for Our Kerry, then?

“Kerry sees herself having a tragic early death like movie star Marilyn Monroe… Marilyn was one of the most famous women in the world and Kerry’s hardly in her league.”

Fair does. If Kerry dies young she will die young like…can we agree on Minnie The Talc, the woman who used to sit on the bench in the recreation ground shouting at the pigeons and eating frozen pizzas? Or James Dean?

In The People, Kerry Katona’s mum agrees that her daughter is going to die. And then wonders about that hidden camera:

“Only a few people would have had access to her bathroom to put it in there. She thinks she knows who did it and she is raging. She said to Mark, ‘You should have protected me, you shouldn’t have let this happen to me, I’m ruined’.

But this story is as much about Kerry Katona as it is about the video of her snorting cocaine/ anthrax/ bi-polar medication/ Tamiflu or whatever the teddy cam caught her doing. So lest any reader think the NOTW is complicit in a shoddy PR stunt or in cahoots with the Celebrity Police Force, Pat tells us:

“But it would be great if, when that day arrives, she HAS been off the drugs and can tell them this video was the turning point in her life. It could almost be a source of pride.”

And we are proud of the NOTW for giving us one of our Top Ten Kerry Katona Watching Moments.

But what next for Kerry, who has now been dropped by Iceland:

“It was great fun, good money and the people I worked with had become like a second family.”

The squirrel, right? Kerry spent so long with that Iceland squirrel there were fears her children would see it as their father. But dad is Brian McFadden, and he wants the two oldest Kerry kids. Only, as the Star reports:

KERRY KATONA has been thrown a lifeline in her bid to keep her children after hearing her ex-husband’s relationship is in trouble. Former Westlife star Brian McFadden is to launch a custody battle for his daughters following allegations Kerry took cocaine in the family home. But, we can reveal, Brian does not want the girls with him in Australia, partly because his romance with ¬Delta Goodrem, 24, is already strained but also because he doesn’t want their lives to be completely overturned.

Hurrah! Kerry aKtoan’s carrer is dead. But her kids are alive and well. Long live them. Long live the new Kerry Katonas….

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

New Kari Ann Peniche Sex Tape Emerges: Video

MORE news on that TV doctor Eric Dane non-sex sex tape as Kari Ann Peniche goes on the record.

Kari Ann Penish has issued a statement saying that she wants to be left lone, that her child abandonment issues mean she can no longer take a bath with less then two other people (mum? dad?) and that she thought Dr Dane could cure her.

No, not really.

Before Kari Ann poses for lads mags dressed as a kinky nurse, she wants the world to know that she only found out about the tape when Dane called her. Dane wanted to know if her former roommate on the show “Celebrity Rehab“, a country singer called Mindy McCready, had leaked the video?

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Lily Allen Records Ashes Tribute To Heath Ledger

TO help tabloid reading footy fans make sense of the Ashes, the Sun looks at Lily Allen’s scorecard as “she spent the day rating the England cricket team ‘shag’ or ‘snog’” on the programme.

“Lily was marking her favourites on the programme and rubbing her fella’s face in it. She likes Freddie the best so she scribbled shag next to his picture and snog next to Steve’s.”

The South London Oval is not North London’s Lord’s, where Keith Bradshaw, the secretary of the MCC, opined:

“We have to brand the home of cricket carefully. We do not want to cheapen it.”

At the Oval you can expect Lily Allen themed score cards: fours as Phwoars, the boundary always just out of reach but never crossed. Forget the raised finger for being out – it’s two fingers at The Lily Allen Oval. And potential members have to be seconded by at least two celebrity family members or they’re out.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Jennifer Ansiton’s Vagina Pictures?

DID the New York Post publish a picture of Jennifer Aniston’s vagina?

Gawker says the revealing shot is of Gerard Butler throwing Aniston in the boot of the car for a scene in their new movie The Bounty.

Aniston is setting new trends in genital flashing – showing her vagina getting into and not out of a car.

But is it even her?

Anorak has already shown you pictures of Aniston’s weathermen, whose job it is to control the weather around the greater Aniston. Aniston thought Rain Man was a great idea.

Are we to believe a woman who aims to control the weather would leave her knickers to chance?

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (4)

Madeleine McCann: Getting The Joke

MADELEINE McCann Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Madeleine McCann in the news – when a missing child can make us laugh…

THIS is Nottingham: “Couple defend Madeleine leaflet”

A NOTTS couple who delivered leaflets in Clifton about the disappearance of Madeleine McCann have defended their actions.

A local issues for Our Maddie…

Grenville Green and his wife, Helene Davies-Green, have been campaigning on behalf of the Madeleine Foundation.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (20)

The X Factor: How Susan Boyle Saved Emma Chawner From Ridicule

The X Factor returns and with so does Emma Chawner, the tabloids’ “beast” who will show us that in a post-Susan Boyle world much has changed. Also, look out for a live performance from Michael Jackson…

MICHAEL Jackson may not be performing on the X FACTOR this season. As we know Jackson will never be buried, securing from his nearest and dearest the birthday gift of an eternal performance at the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. It was never going to be easy to top the 50 dates at London 02 oxygen tent, but the Jacksons never got anywhere without thinking big.

After Britney Spears did her impression of Max Wall on last season’s X Factor, a source oozed to the tabloids:

“Britney was a massive coup for Cowell. But he’s determined to raise the bar even higher and secure Jacko’s services. He is perhaps one of the few artists who could outshine Britney.”

A lifeless Jackson would doubtless out-dance Spears. But the X Factor is not about the stars, really, it is about the judges and the losers and the rejects, like Emma Chawner, the Telegraph’s “Teletubby”, and the Star’s “the beast”. Emma is back for some more humiliation, says the Express.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Armed Police Called To Big Brother Nigger Row

IN “Death of Big Brother”, Daily Star readers who may have mistaken the show for a morbid study of the bits left in the bath after the rest of life has swirled down the plughole, are told that it is an amazingly entertaining thing.

There was a “nigger row, live sex and bullying”. In short, all the elements of a successful big Brother were there, but they just weren’t broadcast.

BIG Brother’s sexiest babe claims TV bosses have covered up racism and bullying to avoid another Jade Goody scandal. Fiery Noirin Kelly says that since Channel 4 axed the 24-hour live feed, viewers are not seeing what’s really going on.

Anorak

Posted: 21st, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

In OK! This Week: Ashton Kutcher’s Wants Another Ashton Kutcher, Diane Kruger On Brad Pitt And Gareth Gates’ Mole

IN this week’s OK! – Ashton Kutcher’s Gift, Diane Kruger On Ironing Condoms And Gareth Gates’ Missy Mole…

Diane Kruger ‘s Laughs It Up

Diane Kruger, who stars opposite Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, is in conversation with OK!:

“I’m on time even when I try not to be. I’m German. I’m responsible. I’m neat. I iron my tablecloths.”

Bing a typical German, when she’s in Mallorca she naturally irons her condoms.

Missy Ga-Ga-Gates

OK! catches up with Gareth Gates, Suzanne Mole and their daughter Missy, who was born in April and “very well behaved”.

Gareth and Suzanne are “introducing Missy to the world”, which to her eyes looks like an OK! hacks with a syrup-leaded pencil and a photographer. And there’s the sound of mum talking about Missy’s birth:

“It was so easy. We decided to go for a Caesarean… I had a new procedure called a natural section… instead of being cut open, and having the baby pulled out, they find the head first and then bring it out.”

Or your stomach. Hence “natural section”.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

The 10 Craziest Things About Michael Jackson Death Mania

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news -The 10 Craziest Things About Michael Jackson Death Mania. What killed Michael Jackson? What didn’t?

Michael Jackson’s 51st birthday present is not a year’s supply of Demerol nor a subscription to Cub-Scout Weekly but a burial. Thus answering the question – what do you get the man who has everything?

Michael Jackson will spend eternity in the company of Clark Gable, W.C. Fields, Red Skelton and Jean Harlow, as well as replicas of Michelangelo’s greatest works, kitch reporductions of gilded art and statues of naked boys. As in life, so in death. Sit Jackson on a Ferris Wheel with Cheetah’s remains and the Great Mausoleum at Forest Lawn Memorial Park in Glendale, Calif. is home from home.

Meanwhile in the Post Jackson world, Dr Conrad Murray, is all set to be charged with manslaughter.

The Sun announces this on its front page: “Doctor to be charged with killing Jacko – Murray rap within days.”

How many days? The Mirror says within 2 weeks.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (8)

Caster Semenya Is The Man?

ATHLETICZZzzzzz has been enlivened by South African Caster Semenya, favourite to win the women’s 800m at the World Athletics Championships and facing accusations that she is a man.

Semenya. Is this suspicion rooted in nominative determinism, where a person’s makeup is shaped by their name? Semen-ya.

There would be an easy way to tell. Female athletes wear bikini briefs. But Semanya sports an elongated Bermuda brief. Is that bulge muscle, a handkerchief stuffed into a pocket or is she dressing to left or to the right?

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (17)

Amy Winehouse Upstages Fern Britton On Strictly Come Dancing

IT’S reality TV season and news that the BBC is trying to lure dieter Fern Britton to dance on Strictly Come Dancing.

As the Mirror says:

“BEEB LAUNCH BID TO LURE BRITTON ON TO STRICTLY”

Time for a game, then, Anorak readers. What would you us to lure Fern Britton to a TV studio?

a) Biscuits
b) Chicken madras and stuffed nan
c) Chocolate-coated Ryvita
d) Kiwi lothario Brendan Cole
e) Terry Waite’s urine

The answer is… d. Yes, the waxy Cole “has been offered as her Strictly dance partner”.

And lest you be unimpressed that a TV presenter who is no longer presenting should want to appear on the BBC, the Mirror trills:

A studio source said: “Fern is a major coup.

“Producers have been wooing her for some time but it is only in the last few days talks have really progressed. Brendan was lined-up to dance with Jo Wood but now bosses have offered him to Fern as bait. Fern is bound to get lots of attention and they believe he’s the guy most equipped to handle it.”

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Peter Andre Heads Home To Australia

LOOK out girls and gonads, Peter Andre is heading back into the ITV jungle studio, where the first laid hands on Katie Price.

The Star says:

“PETER Andre will make a sensational return to the I’m A Celebrity jungle to bury the ghosts of his past… He is determined that the jaunt Down Under will help mend his broken heart.”

Is this the same Peter Andre who has moved on? A source looks to set things straight:

“It’s going to be a ratings winner. The public loves Peter and they’d love nothing more than to see him back in the jungle.”

Indeed, sending Peter Andre back to a small brightly lit clearing in Australia is high on many music fans’ wish list. If we can achieve it with love, then let us do so. Peter, we love you. We really love you. We also love Noel Edmonds, Anthea Turner as we once loved Victoria Beckham and Madonna. Love is about letting go, Pete. That’s real love.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Kerry Katona Frozen To Death

SEEN snorting her pi-polar medication. Anthrax/“cocaine”/Tamiflu/ dust, Kate Moss lookalike Kerry Katona has lost her job as the face of Iceland supermarkets.

The Sun says Kerry Katona was “secretly filmed sniffing coke” – filmed by a hidden camera in her en suite bathroom.

The mother of four had her £250,000-a-year contract torn up by horrified bosses who feared a backlash from customers.

But was it cocaine? There is no proof that it was. All we have is images of a media hungry jobbing celeb starring in a cheap video. The media laps it up. Loadsa PR for the price of rolled up £20 note and a line of crushed ice.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Katie Price Kidnapped On Twitter And Peter Andre Does Stand Up

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Divorce – Katie Price kidnap terror, Peter Andre is a comedy genius, Jordan is dead and Katie beats Peter in Twitter poll…

Last night sentimental Peter Andre appeared on ITV2 in Peter Andre: Going It Alone and showed us that he is almost never alone. Peter spent most of the show touching his face, hugging anyone with reach, finding his niche in the Ikea bedding department and looking like an ambulatory bereavement card.

So alone is Pete that he spent only marginally more time on camera than his manager Claire Powell, who affected an air of a middle aged Claire Rayner, the media’s former favourite agony aunt, albeit less likeable, informed, interesting and charming.

Anorak

Posted: 18th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Obama Not Assassinated In Arizona With AR-15 Assault Rifle

THE Barack Obama Death Cult – Anorak’s look at the media’s obsession with Obama’s assassination – Man with Ar15 assault weapon does not kill Obama at Arizona town hall meeting…

A reader writes from the US:

Holy hell, Paul, live on the CNN news now (but not on internet yet) filming live a man in Arizona standing at a town meeting with Obama there with an AR15 (assault weapon) slung over his shoulder. Other people are there also with guns. Law in AZ you can carry a weapon on you and they are invoking their rights. Secret Service more nervous than whores in Church!

We have the video:

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (27)

Russell Brand Pushed Into Trafalgar Square Fountain

Russell Brand is pushed into the Trafalgar Square fountain…

RUSSELL Brand can take a joke, as West Ham fans know. Sometimes he has trouble telling one but he can take one.

If anyone is looking for a reason to like Russell Brand, know that the Daily Mail hates him.

Here’s Russell Brand working on his new film Get Him To The Greek and being pushed into the Trafalgar Square fountain.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

‘Cocaine’ Kerry Katona Flees To The Sun

FOLLOWING the less-than-sensational news that Kerry Katona snorts her bi-polar medication in her en-suite bathroom, or inhales cocaine, as the NOTW says, sniffs anthrax powder or does her own publicty or.. whatever,  the Sun announces:

KERRY Katona has ignored pleas to check into rehab – and will go to a boozy holiday resort instead.

Pals begged Kerry, 28, to book into the Priory after she was filmed snorting coke at her home.

Or not.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (3)

Frozen Michael Jackson Being Fed By A Bent Spoon

MICHAEL Jackson Watch: Anorak’s at-a-glance look at Michael Jackson in the news – Jackson frozen, fed by a spoon, Sly Stone misses out and Jermaine Jackson’s Legacy book…

The Sun: “Frail, sick Jackson ‘was fed by spoon’”

That’s the chopstick theory blown out the water. Is Uri Geller involved – he has to be:

MICHAEL Jackson was so weak in his final days he needed to be SPOON-FED meals, his make-up artist has revealed.

It’s high time we heard from the make-up artist. Finally:

Karen Faye, 53, says the King of Pop was “disorientated and sickly” in his last week and claims the pressure of his up-coming London shows “killed” him.

Jackson was not well before he died? Who knew?

Karen told Jacko’s fans on Facebook that choreographer Kenny Ortega was feeding the singer.

She said: “He (Jacko) was 12-20 pound heavier in April than he was in June. Kenny was cutting his chicken and feeding it to him. This was one of my concerns. If he cannot feed himself, how could he be expected to do these shows?”

Hire another Michael Jackson – there are lots of them? Bring back Bubbles to feed him? Get some staff as befitting the King of Pop, a peer of the realm who should no more have to feed himself than a lowly Prince Charles should have to aim his own penis at the specimen bottle.

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment

Peter Andre Hit For Six As Katie Price Goes Mad in Dorset

KATIE Price and Peter Andre Divorce – Jordan goes mad in Dorset, Superdad Peter Andre is badly beaten by the Black Eyed Peas and sobs his way to a new relaity TV show…

EACH morning the Daily Star’s drones must think of a new Katie Price story, and today the team duly delivers, “Jordan’s out of control”.

Readers learn:

A close friend of the model, who suffered a miscarriage shortly before the break-up, said: “Kate has only cried once since she split from Peter. That’s just not normal.”

Given the amount of cosmetic work performed on Katie Price’s face and superstructure tears may not come easy. To seep, she may need to be squeezed. Inside, Katie may be sobbing her heart out. And what is normal – “Pete’s one-off documentary about their split, Going It Alone, airs tonight on ITV2 and sees him burst into tears a whopping TEN times”?

And then there is the possibility that the “close friend” is not all that close?

Anorak

Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)

Moderate Drinking Killed Michael Jackson

MODERATE drinking killed Michael Jackson, possibly. Moderate drinking strengthens bones. Moderate drinking weakens bones. What’s moderate drinking? Anorak presents the definitive guide for anyone still not sure. It’s the science, dummy. You can’t argue with the science:

Moderate drinking strenghens bones!

Women who drink moderate amounts of beer may be strengthening their bones, according to Spanish researchers – BBC

Moderate drinking weakens bones!

“If you have more than seven drinks per week, it actually reduces bone mass,” says Janet Greenhut, M.D., MPH, senior medical consultant at HealthMedia… “Also, if someone is in the habit of binge drinking — having four or more drinks in a two-hour period — she’s more prone to falls, and she’s at higher risk for fracture because her bone mass is lower.” – CNN

What is moderate drinking?

Although the benefits and risks associated with moderate drinking have gained increasing attention in recent years from both researchers and the general public, no universal definition of moderate drinking exists – Mary C. Dufour, M.D., M.P.H. NIAAA

Moderate drinking prevents dementia

Moderate Drinking May Cut Dementia Risk – Study Shows Alcohol Has Potential Benefits in Preventing Dementia – WebMD

Moderate drinking gives you breast cancer

Drinking just a glass of wine a day increases women’s risk of breast cancer, as well as several other types of the disease, a new study concludes – The Guardian

Anorak

Posted: 16th, August 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)