New Homes For Guantanamo Bay Mates At LAWNS 12-Step Programme

GUANTANAMO Bay is closing and Old Mr Anorak has selflessly offered to find bed and board for three and maybe four – should Svetlana not return for her trip to the immigration centre – of the Bay’s more handsome residents.

OMA is not obsessed with looks, far from it. He would often compliment the first Lady OMA on her top knot of sun-kissed skin upon which her thatch of blonde hair perched like a smug Tweety pie on a comatose Sylvester (Memoirs Vol. IX, Chapt. XXXVI).

Anorak

Posted: 26th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (2)

Shannon Matthews: Karen Matthews And Craig Meehan To Breed

KAREN Matthews has been jailed for 8 years for her part in the kidnap of her daughter Shannon Matthews.

Now read on…

NOTW: “I want babies with my Karen”

It’s Craig Meehan. His image is captioned:

Perv’s jail wedding bid.

He wants babies? And you’ll remember who she was heavily pregnant?

THE vile boyfriend of evil kidnap scam mum Karen Matthews has revealed they want to start a FAMILY when she gets out of prison. Craig Meehan, who was jailed last year for having child porn images on his computer, also intends to MARRY Matthews inside.

B-b-b-but…

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 25th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (9)

George Bush: Memo To Self (Me) – Things To Do

WHEN President Barack Obama started work in the White House he noticed a piece of paper that had slipped down the back of his desk drawer. The document bore the unmistakable handwriting of the forty-third President of the United States of America.

MEMO TO SELF (ME): THINGS TO DO

1. Declare war on Geese. We need to kick the butts of geese for bringing done plane in New York. Geese are agents of evil. Dick says Saddam had geese in palaces. There¹s ya link!

Anorak

Posted: 24th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (8)

Ten Odd Things Banned From Football Grounds

FEW things are not banned from football grounds these days. The chants of old have been replaced by the steward’s shrill command “Sit down”. Anorak looks at ten things banned from our grounds, where passion is policed:

PARROTS

A PARROT was banned from Hatfield Town for imitating the referee’s whistle during a crunch match between local rivals Hatfield Town and Hertford Heath.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)

Obamism: Obama Says British Black Woman Are Thick And Lazy

A LETTER from Barack Obama to prove that Bush might have gone but we still have US President to poke fun at.

Obama has typoed a missive on House of Commons stationery – he is our President now – and in championing Dawn Butler MP manages to insult all but one of Britain’s other black women.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)

Madeleine McCann: The Maddy Porn Mag On Display

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

But is it porn? Mourn Porn? Yesterday we had the “paedo!”. Now we have the “porn!” Two words can keep this story going, and they are not “Maddie found”.

HACKNEY GAZETTE: “MADDIE STUNT FURY”

A vile stunt in which a group of Hackney artists made pornographic artwork using images of Madeleine McCann has sparked outrage.

Vile. Outraged! Did you see it? Well, in case you didn’t go to a minor art exhibition in a easy-to-miss part of London and be outraged, know this:

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Anorak

Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (53)

Barack Obama: First Day Picture Gallery (Exclusive)

BARACK Obama is upon us. The seagulls have spoken. and Anroak has obtained these exclusive pictures of the President’s first day in office.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (4)

Ten Alternative Barack Obama Slogans

“YES we can,” says Obama.

“Yes we can,” chant the Obamites.

And now Goonies fan Obama is in power, we can, or – better yet – he can (what with him being organiser of the global community and all).

And now Obama is in power what will he say about can, hope and change? Will he combine all three into a united vision – “Hope we can change”, backed by the sign of the crossed fingers? Or should the teleprompter fail, will he demand “Change we hope can Hope can change we”?

Anorak

Posted: 21st, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (10)

The Top Eight Green Creatures Found In Food

DO you like your salad with a little body? Well, you’re in luck as Anorak looks at frogs making their way into mainstream food.

The Prisoner

To a chopping board in Meole Brace, near Shrewsbury, where a four-inch lizard is set to become the family pet.

Says Paula Walsh:

“My daughter had been cutting the broccoli for lunch when she screamed, ‘Mum come quick, come quick – there’s something crawling in the broccoli’. I pulled gently and out he came.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (9)

Yes We Karma: Boy George For Obama, A Tribute

BOY George is for Obama.

Boy George is in jail.

Boy George can be pardoned by the President of the World?

Video:

Anorak

Posted: 20th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (7)

Barack Obama: Snow, Lesbians, The Menu And the Chant Begins

BARACK Obama has not only acrued 100% of the American public’s backing, but the media has also bought into the dream. Who but Obama could deal with this level of expectaion that he will heel the world?

Two months after the election, young people are still calling his name, “Obama, Obama…”

In the UK, the children hear the call:

In the UK, events are being held in cities including Belfast, Edinburgh, Birmingham, Leeds, Liverpool and London. Organisers say it’s important for UK communities to mark Obama’s success.

Blessed are the car washers:

Oxford car wash owner Khalid Ahmed is so certain new US President Barack Obama can clean up the world he has named his business after him.

As the world celebrates the inauguration of Obama as the 44th President of the United States today, Mr Ahmed, 30, renamed his car wash ‘Obama’ and promised: “If he needs his car washed, I am his man”.

Anorak

Posted: 20th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (21)

Britney Spears Moves To Her Own Island

2009BRITNEY Spears tells MTV, in the documentary Britney: For The Record of her desire to live on an island.

“That would be heaven – to have my kids on an island, and a man, and nobody can get to us.”

It’s the kind of comment that makes we Britons, an island race, count our blessings.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

BBC Newsreader Tasmin Lucia Khan’s On Air Orgasm?

TASMIN Lucia Khan is breathing life into the moribund BBC 3 schedules by breathing breathy life into the news.

With Israel no longer in esistence, the BBC is forced to look elsewhere for lead news items, and Tasmin is: a) enjoying searching for new stories in her in-tray; b) panicking; c) examining the perfect orgasm; d) auditioning for life after news.

Anorak

Posted: 19th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

Hamas Wins: Israel Dismantles And World Is In Total Harmony

In Melbourne, the anti-war – or are they just on the other side? – protestors march for peace in Israel and Gaza.

In Israel, Jews respond by saying that they have heard the will of the entire world and enough, already.

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert says he realises that the world’s ills can all be laid at the feet of Israelis.

He’s been on TakeMeBack.com and having traced his ancestors to the site of a village in the Ukraine, he and his will be heading back there next Tuesday.

In Austria, local peaceniks celebrated the news of the Jews return by holding a candlelit vigil.

Says one campaigner:

“Now finally the world can be at peace. With no Israel we can all sleep easy in our beds knowing that harmony is all and peace has been achieved.”

A spokesman for the BBC issued this statement.

“The BBC welcomes the decision by the Israeli state to dismantle itself and for its peoples to return from whence they came. The BBC is now free to lead with happy news stories of swearing parrots, Her Majesty’s new winter wardrobe and the Boat Race, both preparations and aftermath.”

More thoughts from around the world:

“The end days are upon us. We have but seven days to round up all the Jews, put them in a field and bomb the hell out of planet Earth. And with no President Bush, it’s gonna be harder then ever. But if we can all unite in prayer we can.” – Evangelical Congregation of Armageddon, Wyoming.

“Hopefully now the Palestinians can create the liberal dream Yasser Arafat craved. Palestinians can look forward to shared parental leave, reducing carbon emissions, legalisation of cannabis, fostering respect for all creeds and creating a Sustainable Market in Aviation” – Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Democrats

“Thank f**! Now we can admit that Osama bin Laden was never real and was invented by Jews as a front for an attack on Iraq, Afghanistan and – well, then it would have been Iran, Pakistan, Dubai and, had Man City defeated Spurs, Abu Dhabi” – Ayman “Hymie” al-Zawahiri

“Ich bin ein Jew” – Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

“It was me. Well, and Him upstairs. But mostly it was me” – Tony Blair

Israel will be cleared in a week. Jews will all leave just as soon as Poland is made ready…

Image spotter

Anorak

Posted: 18th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)

Plush Uterus Toy Remove From Child Notice

WARNING:

“If the plush uterus toy is being used by a small child, please remove it immediately”

– Recall notice for the 2008 Plush Uterus toy

Anorak

Posted: 18th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (7)

Dinner For Two: Joe Biden Plate

THE Joe Biden Commemorative Plate offer…

Some key fact about the Joe Biden plate:

Comes with free light bulb

Anorak

Posted: 17th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (3)

Hudson New York Plane Crash: Pilot Averted Flight To London

SOME doubt on the plane crash in New York’s Hudson River as the Times leads with “All 155 survive crash” and the Mail counters with the front-page screamer: “All 153 onboard escape.”

The Telegraph reports that the flight was going from New York’s La Guardia airport, to Charlotte, North Carolina. But Anorak has received news that the plane was on course for London.

Says a source:

“When the pilot got the news that plane as going to London he panicked. Last time he went there they lost his luggage and he was forced to survive for 17 hours by offering to sip opened bottles baby milk and Linctus of mothers waiting to pass through customs.”

Anorak

Posted: 16th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)

Madeleine McCann: Snatched, Lowe Humour And More Flick Cox

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

Gerry MCann returned to Portugal. Kate Mcann did not go with him. Here’s the story of the story that keeps on going:

DAILY MIRROR: “Madeleine mum can’t face return”

Heartbroken Kate McCann was too upset to go back to Portugal where her beloved Madeleine was snatched.

A breakthrough. She didn’t wander off. Cancel the Channel 4 investigation! Madeleine McCann is another Diana to milk like a surrogate cow.

The Mirror has proof?

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 16th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (20)

Top Ten Stairs Fails

STAIRS. They go up. But to where? From where? Here are the Top Ten Stairs fails:

Anorak

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Strange But True | Comments (2)


Flagging Economy: I’m Backing Britain, Again

“SPEND, spend, spend” is the order of the day, as we are urged to do our patriotic duty and buy British in an attempt to get the economy moving. But haven’t we heard this somewhere before?

Anorak

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Flashback, Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (9)

Alien Microbes Emit Gas On Mars

THE Sun tells Earthlings that “ALIEN microbes living just below the Martian soil are responsible for a haze of methane around the Red Planet.”

Out goes the theory that the red planet was the cosmos’s knocking shop, a beacon for sex and debauchery.

Last week, the Sun brought news that aliens had damaged a wind turbine in Lincolnshire.

There were lights in the skies. Shapes in the skies. Aliens in command of the kind of advanced technology that would make our heads spin had piloted their state-of-the-art machine into a metal windmill.

On the aliens home planet, an investigation is endeavouring to discover if the pilot had imbibed too much space dust and the onboard satnav malfunctioned.

Back to Mars, and the news that we’re next:

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Anorak

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (2)

The Torture Of Wearing A Man Bra: Crawford Confesses

SUSAN Crawford, A “senior member of the Bush administration,” says inmates were tortured at Guantanamo Bay. Well, she says one was:

Saudi national, Mohammed al-Qahtani, 30, was accused of involvement in the 9/11 attack. US authorities refer to him as the “20th hijacker”.

What of his torture? Says Crawford:

“For 160 days his only contact was with the interrogators. Forty-eight of 54 consecutive days of 18-to-20-hour interrogations. Standing naked in front of a female agent. Subject to strip searches. And insults to his mother and sister.”

Worse than it sounds, no doubt. The Guardian says it was “torture”.

Anorak

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

Bernie Madoff Writes

BERNIE Madoff, the man who used his own greed to tap into the greed of his investors, who confessed to stealing $50 billion, resides under house arrest in his $7 million Upper East Side penthouse.

Prosecutors argue that Madoff should have his bail revoked and be sent to jail because – get this – he might not be all that honest and trying to break the law by secreting monies away.

When he’s not, allegedly, writing checks for £173million – prosecutors claim to have found 100 signed checks worth $173 million in Bernard Madoff’s desk – he’s penning letters to his neighbours:

Dear Neighbors,

Read the rest of this entry »

Anorak

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (3)

Madeleine McCann: The Evening Standard Donates, Simon MacMillan And Gerry’s Hope

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

THE SUN: “Maddie hunt trip gives Gerry hope”

GERRY McCann returned home yesterday after “positive” talks in Portugal on the hunt for missing daughter Madeleine.

Any facts?

Mr McCann is”40”.

EVENING STANDARD: “Kate and Gerry McCann”

As readers will recall, since Madeleine McCann’s abduction in May 2007, The Evening Standard has covered the story extensively and reported developments in the police investigation and search for Madeleine.

Well, yes, the Standard and every other news organ…

During the last few months of 2007 we, along with much of the media, published a number of articles which may have been understood to suggest that Kate and Gerry McCann may have been involved in Madeleine’s disappearance.

May have been understood? Could the paper be less specific?

We regret this and wish to make clear, for the avoidance of any doubt, that we fully accept that there is no evidence whatsoever to suggest that Kate and Gerry were involved in the disappearance of their daughter.

Good that the Standard accepts that with no proof and no evidence of any crime having been committed, the missing girl’s parents are not guilty of hamring their own daughter. How’s that for, er, standards?

We continue to support Kate and Gerry in their search for Madeleine. There is no evidence that Madeleine has come to any harm and clearly there are people out there who know where she is.

“Continue to support”? But didn’t the Standard write things that “may have been understood” to be less than supporting?

Therefore we are today calling on Evening Standard readers to redouble their efforts to find Madeleine. We have now made a very substantial donation to assist with the search and are continuing to run adverts in the foreign editions of our sister paper, the Daily Mail, asking for information which might lead to Madeleine being found.

A donation. And an apology. What happened, then, to bring about such largesse?

We wish Kate and Gerry all the best and will continue to work with them to help find their daughter.

“Continue…”

Just yesterday the Mail, the Standard’s sister organ, told readers:

Mr McCann said he was unaware of how much money remained in the Find Madeleine Fund but admitted his family had “scarce resources and did not want to waste them”.

Waste them on… lawyers?

As the Mail said of the Daily Express’s case with the McCanns and subsequent “donation“:

Media lawyer Paul Gilbert, from the firm Finers Stephens Innocent, said: “Clearly the Express’s lawyers felt this was a case they should settle without a high-profile trial and as a result have saved considerable costs.

“It certainly is a warning sign to newspapers in the future – if they’re going to speculate, they’ve got to be very careful about what they speculate about.”

THE SCOTSMAN: “Madeleine expert joins Uist search”

AN EXPERT who reviewed the hunt for Madeleine McCann has been called in to try to help solve the mystery of the Merchant Navy cadet who disappeared on South Uist early on Boxing Day.

The failed search for Madeleine McCann is now a career defining moment for many, and no barrier to future employment.

As the search for Simon MacMillan, 21, goes on, a new team of police dogs from the mainland was sent to the Hebridean island yesterday. Police have also drafted in Mark Harrison, the national search adviser to the National Policing Improvement Agency, who was brought in to the search for Madeleine after police drew a blank.

And after Mr Harrison drew a blank…

Madeleine McCann is missing, and after months of speculation and innuendo, she remains missing…

Anorak

Posted: 15th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (28)

Media Studies: The BBC Is The Daily Express Broadcast Corporation

OK, the aforesaid headline is not entirelty true. The Daily Express has its own broadcast unit – the straight-to-tissues Fantasy Channel.

But it’s those BBC phone polls that are so very like the phone polls in the Express.

Newspapers hold phone polls for the same reason that Saddam Hussein used to hold the occasional election – not to provide an objective measure of public opinion, but to see how close to 100% of the vote they could get.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment (1)