Prince Harry’s Shame: Hal’s Admits To Having A ‘Paki’ Friend

PRINCE Harry’s popularity has been on the wane in Pakistan ever since he decided to attend a party dressed as Adolf Hitler and NOT local celebrity Osama bin Laden.

In a bid to repair the damage Harry has befriended a “Paki”, but it might be too little, too late.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (42)

Sooty And Weep: The Top Ten Royal Family Nicknames

KOLIN Dhillon is 58. He is, says the Telegraph, a multi-millionaire property developer in Gloucestershire. He is a member of the Cirencester Park Polo Club. His nickname is Sooty.

Prince Charles and his two sons, Harry ‘Paki‘ Baseball Cap and Wills, “always referred to him as Sooty whenever they meet”.

Behind his back they called him “Doogle”, Mr Dhillon, “little Paki” and “Smudger”.

Mr Dhillon says the Sooty nickname as a “term of affection”.

“I have to say, you know you have arrived when you acquire a nickname!”

Indeed, when Prince Philip arrived from Greece, he was delighted to be called “Nick”, the “BFG” (Big Fat Greek – he was carrying some timber at the time), Zorba, Kaiser and “Ni**er”.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (5)

Madeleine McCann: Gerry McCann Returns, Paedos And Yorkshire Ripper

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

DAILY MIRROR: “MADDY’S DAD IN ALGARVE TO PUSH FOR NEW HUNT”

Maddy.

Gerry McCann flew back to Portugal yesterday in the hope of reviving the hunt for missing daughter Madeleine.

Madeleine McCann.

Anorak

Posted: 14th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (24)

The Top 10 Intifada Cup Sing-Alongs

HAMAS FC are on tour in London and in anticipation of Intifada Cup (“It’s a Mickey Mouse Cup and thus part of the Zionist conspiracy” – E.I.Adio) Anorak brings you the Top Ten Hooligan Chants, you’re likely to hear.

Pull on your Gaza Strip and (ok, get on with it – Ed):

Christian Druze FC Ultra’s favoured taunt to Islamic Jihad Athletic

Come and Allah go if you think you’re hard enough

To Un Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, sung by al-Aqsa Martyrs

Moon, Moon
Wherever you maybe,
You eat dogs in your home country,
It could be worse,
You could be Maus
Eating Arabs in me granny’s old house

Anorak

Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (4)

The Ten Best Acting Awards Speeches Of All Time

KATE Winslet accepts her Golden Globe and re-enact Meg Ryan’s famous scene from when Harry Met Sally.

After Winslet’s gush and Gwyneth Paltow’s Oscar spew, the stage is cleared for the Anorak Awards Show.

Here are the 10 Best Awards Acceptance Speeches Ever.

Before we go on, I’d just like to thank everybody I’ve ever met: Dr Patel, Midwife Jane, Elizabeth Rex, Bob, Tim, Lucy, Petra the tortoise, Danny, Bill the cabbie, Patricia, Judy, Fran, mum…

Anorak

Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Madeleine McCann: Slumdog Millionaire, Gaza, Tories And Demons

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann – featuring: Slumdog Millionaire, Gaza, the Conservative Party and Demons…

DAILY HERALD: “We can’t gloss over the brutal abuse of children”

Colette Douglas Home has been to the cinema to see Slumdog Millionaire with her daughter.

Her daughter turns to her:

“Weren’t you upset by the child abuse,” she asked. That’s when I remembered the child abuse; and that’s why I’m feeling uneasy about my initial reaction to the film as well as its Golden Globe success.

Anorak

Posted: 13th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (51)

How To Win An Oscar: A Guide

ALL actors dream of winning an Oscar. But the odds on doing so are tougher than Laura Bush’s Nicotine path.

But Anorak is here to help. We have examined past winners and can now bring thesps our print-out-and-keep guide to winning an Oscar love toy.

How To Win An Oscar

Module 1: The Script

* Does it contain a good Nazi?

* Does it contain a bad Nazi?

Anorak

Posted: 12th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (2)

Kate Winslet Rejoices As Nazis Win Golden Globe Again

ARMBANDS off to Kate Winslet who has won the Golden Globe for best supporting actress for her role in The Reader.

Having missed out on a gong for her portrayal of Leonardo DiCaprio’s mum in Titanic, Our Kate has finally brought home some much need precious metal.

Anorak

Posted: 12th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comment (1)

Prince Harry, The Paki And The Raghead

THE News of The World says Prince Harry three years ago did call a person a “paki” and referred to others as “ragheads.”

St. James’s Palace says Prince Harry did not intend much by it – it being him joshing about.

Here’s the round-up. And – get his – Harry is now Jade Goody…

Anorak

Posted: 10th, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (30)

Madeleine McCann: Top Young Tory Matthew Lewis Dresses Up As Maddy

MADDIE WATCH – Anorak’s at-a-glance guide to press coverage of Madeleine McCann, Kate McCann and Gerry McCann

UPDATE – here.

Matthew Lewis, a member of Conservative Future (CF), writes on his Facebook page that his New Year’s Ever costume for a fancy dress would feature a blonde wig, “pink pyjamas, a teddy bear and a vial of fake blood”.

Yeah, he’s coming round the corner when he comes, dressed as Madeleine McCann. Here he comes. And there he goes – and with it his political career.

Anorak

Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Madeleine McCann, Reviews | Comments (30)

The Top Ten New Crisp Flavours

PASS the Cajun squirrel-flavoured crisps.

Other crisp flavours that may soon be hitting he shelves are:

Chilli and chocolate.
Crispy duck
Onion bhaji
Fish and chips
Builder’s breakfast

Crisp firm Walkers wants crisp enthusiasts to suggest a 21st century rival to our old favourites.

Anorak has conducted its own poll and brings you the Top Ten British Crisp Flavours:

Anorak

Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Photojournalism, Strange But True | Comments (7)

Rogue Trader II: Nick Leeson Reviews Gordon Brown Sequels

ROGUE Trader II promises to be the summer’s big British blockbuster. In Rogue Trader, Nick Leeson managed to bring down merchant bank Barings Bank and find fame.

Gordon Brown watched and made notes and can be seen, as Lesson says, “throwing someone else’s money at the problem rather than facing up to his original mistakes”. Gordon’s well-thumbed copy of Leeson’s Fiscal Guide is always to hand.

Others looked on with envy. Could they do a Leeson and be just as famous? The Leeson franchise was born:

Anorak

Posted: 9th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comments (2)

2009: Anorak’s Diary

2009 – That Was The Year That Was: Anorak’s diary for the upcoming 12 months…

JANUARY

Barack Obama makes history as the first African-American sworn in as President of the United States; Invoking legacy of Franklin Roosevelt, promises America “nine years of economic depression, four years of world war, eventual nuking of Japan”

Obama supporters left disappointed as oceans remain at static levels, planet fails to heal self, Dow drops below zero

Anorak

Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (21)

Terrorists Target Jews Sugar, Winehouse and Ronson: Blair Outraged

ALAN Sugar is on a “Hit List” of prominent UK Jews to be offed by Islamists. So says the Sun, which leads with “TERROR TARGET SUGAR”.

Given Sugar’s beard, his “You’re fired” catchprase on The Apprentice and gruff demeanour, on reading the headline Anorak supposed Sugar was being less targeted than wooed by the new brown shirts to overhaul their recruitment policy.

Reading on, the Sun talks of “fears” that a list is being drawn up, and that the one who fears most is “British anti-terror expert Glen Jenvey”. He “is convinced online forum Ummah is being used to prepare a deadly backlash against UK Jews”.

On the Ummah site, “Saladin1970” asks for help compiling “a list of those who support Israel”.
“Abuislam” asks: “Have we got a list of top Jews we can target? Can someone post names and addresses?”

Names given include: Sugar, DJ Mark Ronson, Foreign Secretary David Miliband and Amy Winehouse. That’s a real kick in the teeth to the likes of Alan Yentob, the BBC bigwig who must have fancied himself to be a target.

Anorak

Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (24)

Marks & Spencer Bag A Life Campaign

MARKS and Spencer says it is closing 27 stores and releasing 1,230 staff.

In these hard times it’s not easy being a greengrocer, and in a bid to save still more costs, M&S has altered one of its TV adverts to include an address to staff.

Now Piers Morgan will pause from extolling the juiciness of his rump and be seen sat before huge a red button.

So as not to cause undue distress, Morgan’s voice will be dubbed by Dervla Kirwan (6:30 ITV1) and David Jason (7:45 ITV2).

Anorak

Posted: 8th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Farting, With Paris Hilton And Barack Obama

FARTING is sure to catch on. And to be prepared, here are Anorak’s Top Facts About Farting:

1. Barack Obama was schooled in Indonesia, where farting is considered an art form on a par with finger painting.

2. In times of recession, sales of baked beans and vegetables and raisins soar. Scientists at the North American Institute Of Global Warming calculate that the Arctic began to break up in the 1970s, when, ironically, power cuts and the three day week were at their height.

Anorak

Posted: 6th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (3)

Freedom For the Islamic Republic Of Southall, Sharia Capital Of Britain

WHEN Islam takes over the UK, Anjem Choudary says the capital should be in Southall.

Southall as the UK’s administrative district has much going for it, and could well become the UK’s answer to Canberra, a place as far removed from romanticised visions of sun-bleached Australia as you can get without actually being a foreign country.

Says Choudary:

“We will rise up. We will rise up, my dear Muslims. One day we shall have Sharia here. And who know, maybe even Southall can be the capital of the Islamic state when we conquer it.”

Can Southall be conquered? Can a veil be drawn around it?

Anorak

Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (4)

Metropolitan Police Advertising On Google For Right-Wing Extremists

THE Metropolitan Police is advertising on Google for Right-Wing Extremists:

Right Wing Extremist – Suspect it? Report it. Your call could be vital to us.

You’d think the Met would be chock full of staff from this key demographic. But needs must.

Other adverts in the offing will call for:

* Muslim Extremists
* Catholic Extremists
* Left–Wing Extremists
* Apathetic Extremists
* Anarchists
* Enthusiasts of any other persuasion.

The Met is an equal opportunities employer.

The Met’s site includes this illumination:

Further examples of suspicious activity

And:

So if you see a White Van Man, a padlock, a bag, a credit card or more ‘things’call the police. And if you’re a right wing extremist, do call in person…

Spotter, Via

Anorak

Posted: 5th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comments (10)

The Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris

ISRAEL and the Palestinians are giving hacks a break from the credit crunch, waiting for Obama, ignoring the rest of the world (does South America exist?) and writing lists of what to do in 2009.

In France the situation is a trigger for a bout of voiture flambee, the country’s signature dish. Later we’ll bring you the Top Ten Cars To Burn In Paris. But for now:

Protesters set cars on fire and several luxury store windows, such as the Louis Pion watch store, were smashed and looted by protesters by evening.

Anorak

Posted: 4th, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Reviews | Comment

English Footballers Support Limit On Foreigners

IN Barnsley all eyes are on the Sheffield and Hallamshire Senior Cup match between Royston Villa and Sheffield’s Mosborough.

We are 80 minutes into the game and a player has been red carded.

Says a Mosborough FC spokesman:

“One of their lads got sent off and came back and had weapons and that’s why it got abandoned. We don’t want to comment because there is an inquiry and the referee’s report has got to be submitted.”

The weapons are, reportedly, a golf club a “long sword”. Neither sporting goods have been usual football paraphernalia since the mid-1970s, although both items are quintessentially English.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment

Big Brother: Verne Troyer Plays Ulrika Jonsson’s Little Guy Up Front

“MINI ME: I’LL SHAFT THE LOT” is the Daily Express’s front-page headline attributed to Celebrity Big Brother hopeful Verne Troyer.

Troyer (or should that be Tryer?) stands 2ft 8in (81 cm) in his socks and is “one of the world’s smallest men”.

The BBC features a gallery of the Big Brother stars but does not provide the height details for the other housemates. Showbiz is the No.1 industry for short people, followed by tunnelling, rodeo riding, Tom Cruise stunt doubles, pantomime extras and shoe making.

Anorak

Posted: 3rd, January 2009 | In: Celebrities, Key Posts | Comments (6)

Let’s Hear It For Obama The Magic Negro In 2009

LIVE from New York, Fox News broadcasts the countdown to 2009, and a cheery message for Barack Obama:

“Let’s hope the Magic Negro does a good job – Jen and John C”

Fox bashers will jump on this and see it as sign of racism but the phrase was first used in connection with Obama by Hollywood writer David Ehrenstein in a March 2007 op-ed in the Los Angeles Times that concluded:

“Like a comic-book superhero, Obama is there to help, out of the sheer goodness of a heart we need not know or understand. For as with all Magic Negroes, the less real he seems, the more desirable he becomes.”

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Politicians | Comments (7)

Waiting For You To Be Ready For The Rapture

THE Rapture is a-comin’. When? It’s a-comin’ soon. Evangelists know it. Do you know it? Yes. Are you ready to be rapt? Yes. Frank Gonzalez bring the good news in instalments.

If you’re not ready for the Rapture, he can wait for you…

IN 2007, Frank Gonzalez brought us 2007rapture.com:

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comment (1)

Woolworths Uniforms For The Unemployed

FOR Christmas, Old Mr Anorak was delighted to buy his staff Woolworths.

Staff at Anorak Towers are now obliged to wear their new uniforms of smart red T-shirt branded by the country’s favourite discounted shop.

Say Old Anorak: “In your face, sub Pri-mark!”

And Anorak is not the only one embracing the change.

To save money, prisoners will now be issued with smart new grey shorts and be fed on a diet of pix ‘n’ mix.

Says one lag:

“I used to go shoplifting in Woolies with me dear old mum and the big boys. Wearing these scratchy shorts brings back fond memories of my youth.”

The Royal Navy will be dressed as Spiderman, and Superman at bedtime…

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Money | Comment

Police Sentence Last Man In Britain To Discover Internet

DAVID Jell, of Queens Road, Hawkhurst, Kent, has been banned from carrying on his person felt tip- pens.

Mr Jell is also banned from writing abusive comments, people’s nicknames or contact details in a public place, and from “acting anti-socially by causing harassment, alarm or distress to others”.

One may wonder how you can be banned from causing distress to another when the odds on getting along with everyone are so remote? If this rule can be enforced, Anorak hereby petitions the rule makers to apply it to Mr Noel Edmonds, Mrs Cherie Blair, the BBC’s Breakfast ‘Team’ and anyone who has ever appeared on Strictly Come Dancing.

Anorak

Posted: 2nd, January 2009 | In: Key Posts, Strange But True | Comments (2)