A Song Contest For Saddam Hussein’s Birthday

“BUSH, Bush you low-life! Saddam’s blood is not cheap!” chant the schoolgirls stood around Saddam Hussein’s grave in the mausoleum where he is buried.

It’s Saddam’s birthday, at least it would have been had he not been offed. There’s the usual birthday songs. And a chant, which is not all that catchy, although we concede that it might lose something in the translation.

But the girls should be sensitive to the English language which dominates part of their country. Perhaps the local educationalists can bring about a chant contest, with a prize for the best, perhaps a cutting of Saddam’s moustache in a plastic locket or a gun?

Of course, there will be no little fretting about who will judge the contest. We suggest a panel of George Galloway, Donald Rumsfeld and any one of Saddam Hussein’s now resting look-alikes.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Kate Hoey Joins Boris Johnson’s Team

KATE Hoey will join Boris Johnson’s administration as a non-executive Director…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (3)

Richard Barnbrook Is The Stereotypical Far Right Leader

THE Mail is looking at the BNP’s London mayoral candidate Richard Barnbrook, pictured dressed in brown, his short hair parted neatly:

“With a distinctive sartorial style which worries even his most extremist supporters, and a background as a ‘visionary’ artist whose most notable work was a homo-erotic film, Richard Barnbrook is an unusual Far Right leader, to say the least.”

Is he? He sounds pretty much bang on, a stereotype…

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment

Zhirinovsky, Vice-Chairman Of Duma Is Hunting For Crows

Zhirinovsky, Vice-Chairman of Russian Parliament, the Duma, is hunting for Crows by shooting from a moving train.

He sees some crows and shoots some of them. He then shoots at chickens.

Anorak

Posted: 29th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Strange But True | Comment

Jimmy Carter Uses Hamas To Push His 23rd Book

JIMMY Carter is using the publicity from his weekend break with Hamas to release his book – his 23rd book.

(Picture: Beau Bo D’Or Website.)

Could Tony Blair make it to 23 books? The New Testament only has 27.  

And what of John Prescott? What would he do to push his 23rd book? And he might do it – what with his being bibliomic.

Answers in the form of a menu-oir to the usual address…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment

Barack Obama And Jeremiah Wright: The Black Clap And Britney Spears

JEREMIAH Wright is talking. And talking. And talking. He does an impression of Britney Spears doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke speaking English like they do in England.

“Barack HUSSEIN Obama,” he says. “Barack HUSSEIN Obama, Barack HUSSEIN Obama. There are Arabic-speaking Christians, there Arabic-speaking Jews, Arabic-speaking Muslims and Arabic-speaking atheists. Arabic is a language, it is not a religion. Stop trying to scare folks by giving them this Arabic name like it’s some disease.”

As one pundit puts it: “According to this shining exemplar of Barack Obama and the deep scholarship of black liberation theology, black people are right-brained and white people are left-brained. Asian people don’t make the discussion since that would be, well, unfortunate.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Nuclear Explosions Since 1945 And Deformities

THIS is a map of all the nuclear explosions since 1945.

Click on it to make it, er, blow up.

Interestingly, a painter by the name of Cornelia Hesse-Honegger collects and paints mutant bugs in the vicinity of irradiated wastelands.

At Sellafield I collected Heteroptera and Cicada Homoptera as well as ladybird beetles, Coleoptera. I found morphological disturbances, growths and deformities of the chitin, the material that makes up the exoskeleton of many insects. I found the most profound deformities in Ponsonby…

Hesse-Honegger is from Switzerland, the most depressing and annihilation-friendly country on Earth.

No nuclear explosions there. But they do have a relaxed take on assisted suicide…

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Photojournalism, Politicians, Strange But True | Comment

The Education Virus

EDUCATION whether you like it or not – Full-time adult coercion: the virus spreads …

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment

Barack Obama Is Steve Urkel

BARACK Obama: “He’s looking less like Kennedy, and more like Steve Urkel.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment

Gordon Brown Is King Canute

REALLY: “We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to prevent coastal erosion on the east coast of Yorkshire“.

Source

Says The Croydonian: “As opposed to the west coast of Yorkshire, of course.”

Anorak

Posted: 28th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)

Gordon Brown Has The Strength Of Ten Lunatics

SIMON Carr on Gordon Brown’s formidable strength: 

They are amazing, in their way. Admirable, even. The sheer intestinal fortitude it must take to appear in public after all that international humiliation. And then to come back and be humiliated at home. How to go through all that humiliation without being humbled! What a package of qualities you need for public life at this highest level. Of course, lunacy helps and, yesterday, Gordon Brown displayed the strength of 10 lunatics. It is his greatest asset.

Source

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians | Comment (1)

George Galloway Accused By Human Stress Ball

RECOVERED from the stress of the stress ball attack, George Galloway is back on the camping trail.

To Westminster, and Galloway is stood atop his open-topped bus.

“I salute your indefatigability,” says one admirer, quoting Galloway’s famour catchphrase, before adding a cheery “you w***er”.

Says eyewitness Amanda Lamb in the Sun: “Galloway yelled, ‘Come up here and say that, big man’. The guy yelled back and said he was happy to go up on the bus and talk to him.”

Anorak

Posted: 25th, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Barack Obama Flips That Bird Hillary

HAS Barack Obama been studying John Prescott?

And do his wife and local Chinese restaurateur know?

The US media is obsessed with hand gestures.

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (4)

William Hague’s Uganda Diaries

WILLIAM Hague, the Conservative foreign affairs spokesman, is the subject of a press release:

It call on foreing secretary David Miliband “to take urgent action with regard to the Chinese ship, currently heading to Uganda carrying arms bound for Zimbabwe”.

Note to Chinese captain’s: Uganda is the blog in red on the map…

Spotter

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Online-PR, Politicians | Comment (1)

That Office Of Government Commerce Logo Uncensored

SAYS a spokesman for OGC: “It is true that it caused a few titters among some staff when viewed on its side, but on consideration we concluded that the effect was generic to the particular combination of the letters OGC – and it is not inappropriate to an organisation that’s looking to have a firm grip on Government spend.”

Brand expert Michael Hamilton tells the Telegraph: “They’re going to get more column inches than they could ever have expected before. If I were them, I would be pretty pleased.”

Fnar…

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Money, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comment (1)

John Prescott’s Menu-Oirs: The Sick Bag Years

FORMER conservative Philip Oppenheim is thinking of John Prescott and his :

Dear old Prezza – in so many ways a metaphor for everything that has gone wrong with the brave, new Labour world.

Pass the sick bag.”

Anorak

Posted: 24th, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (2)

Barack Obama: Sponsored By Abercrombie And Fitch

ARE Barack Obama’s supporters sponsored by Abercrombie & Fitch?

Is anything in America not sponsored?

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Online-PR, Photojournalism, Politicians | Comments (6)

Brave George Galloway Felled By Weapon Of Miss Destruction

WHO threw the stress ball that might have struck George Galloway? Why, it’s Tim Heald, of Penge, south-east London.

No word from him, and readers are left to wonder if the ball was thrown in anger or support? Was the intention to knock Galloway out. He would come to as a changed man unable to recall being offered Quality Street by Saddam Hussein, focusing instead on the Conservative Party, who he endorses “a million percent”, global warming and shaving?

Here’s Galloway, armed with a loud hailer, chinstrap beard and sunglasses. Galloway is on the campaign trail for the London Assembly elections.

Heald takes aim. He shoots. Witnesses see the ball. They see Galloway duck to avoid it. In doing to, Galloway bangs his head on the side of the bus. Is this a self-inflicted injury, something embarrassing and best shrugged off with a cheery laugh and a wince? Is this the moment the new Galloway is made?

Anorak

Posted: 23rd, April 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (5)

Ecumenical Question: ‘Obama, Osama, Hmm, Are They Brothers?’

YOU say Obama, they say Osama.

Obama. Osama. Obama. Osama. Let’s blow the whole thing up.

To the Jonesville Church of God, in Jonesville, South Carolina.

Pastor Roger Byrd has placed a sign by his church. Goes the legend: “Obama, Osama, hmm, are they brothers?”

At a guess, we’d say they are most likely twins. No, wait. More likely they are the same person. We had thought Osama, rarely seen in public in the same place as Tony Blair was Robin Cook, but then we saw Obama and changed out minds. We now think Obama is Osama and the real Obama lives in Surrey, if he ever really existed at all.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (5)

Bill Clinton: ‘I Think They Played The Race Card On Me’

SAYS Bill Clinton: “I think that they played the race card on me. We now know, from memos from the campaign that they planned to do it along.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Lembit Opik And Cheeky Girl’s Fountain Of Love

IF the Asda job is going , then surely the supermarket’s marketing wonks should look beyond Carla Bruni’s backside and go for a patted arse we British can call our own, chiefly that of Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia.

And she is one of us, or very soon will be, as the Mail reports that Cheeky A is to marry Lembit Opik MP.

News is that the LibDem MP (Opik) proposed to his Cheeky Girl beside Rome’s Trevi Fountain.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)

John Prescott: Second Helpings: What The Columnists Say

THE Story so far: John Prescott has written an autobiographical menu (surely book) and revels that he is a victim of an eating disorder.

In “My name is John Prescott and I do condensed milk,” Prescott says that stress of work caused him to “stuff my face with chips, crisps, trifle, chocs.” What with the biscuits and the secretary it’s a wonder he found room on his desk for any work.

Had that egg famously tossed at him been made of chocolate, Prezza would have opened his mouth and swallowed it whole. He’d then have sued the egg thrower for abusing his eating condition and causing him distress.

Now Prescott has had his say, the columnists are having theirs. Before we read of Prescott: My Addiction To Jags and Prezza: My Red Leather Trauma know:

FERGUS SHANAHAN (The Sun): “PREZZA STILL MAKES ME SICK”

“In a confession designed to flog his memoirs, the lardy old fraud says stress made him develop bulimia. He would stuff himself then nip down to the gents and stick his fingers down his throat. It must have been tricky when his trotters were up his mistress’s skirt.”

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Broadsheets, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (12)

The Sultanas Of Carla Bruni: Coleen McLoughlin Axed As Face Of Asda

NEWS now that Carla Bruni is set to replace Coleen McLoughlin as the face of Asda supermarkets.

Readers versed in the Asda advertising oeuvre realise that Asda has less a face than an arse (no offence, Coleen), which is patted on the pocket to show how an hour a day running up the aisles looking for anything you’d want to eat keeps mums on a budget in shape.

The new arse of Asada is aid to be Carla Bruni, currently appearing as French president Nicola Sarkozy’s wife.

Being so much taller than her husband, these new ads could feature Bruni looking over the frozen curry croissants while Nicolas reaches up and with the aid of a baguette manages to tap her playfully on the backside.

Anorak

Posted: 22nd, April 2008 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (4)

Pimp My Clinton: Chelsea Follows Orders

AS we know, Chelsea Clinton is not being pimped out for her mother’s career.

Chelsea Clinton stopped traffic Friday night as she wandered the streets of Philadelphia on a gay bar crawl, winning rave reviews for both her politics and her appearance.

Led around the neighborhood by Gov. Ed Rendell, Chelsea was mobbed by local gays and lesbians, as she walked from one club to the next. They ran up to hug her, posed for pictures and certainly invaded her personal space.

What follows reads like a P-Town saucy seaside postcard:  

“I grabbed her ass,” one young woman exclaimed to her friends after snapping a picture with her arm around the former first daughter.

“Are you going inside?” one woman asked.

“I don’t know,” Chelsea replied. “I’m mostly just following directions.”

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comment (1)

Backing Boris Or Laying Ken: London Mayor Odds And Free Bet

KEN Livingstone or Boris Johnson? Newt or clown? Mirror or Sun.

The Sun’s Trevor Kavanagh says a vote for Tory mayoral candidate Boris will show Gordon Brown that the electorate have had enough of him and his party.

Over in the Mirror, Alastair Campbell says Boris (4-6 favourite) has a “silly name” and went to Eton. There’s a picture of Boris playing a charity game of football. “CHEAT,” says Campbell.

FREE £10 BET

Boris, says Campbell, once described “blacks as ‘piccaninnies’ with ‘watermelon smiles’”. Boris apologised

Now word, though on “brave” Ken (11-8) who embraced Yusuf Al-Qaradawi, the chap who condones suicide bombings and holds anti-Semitic and homophobic views.

Make your vote count…

Anorak

Posted: 21st, April 2008 | In: Politicians | Comments (8)