Ben & Jen – The Sequel

‘JESSE Jane and Kid Rock are not the only ones with a lot in common – Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner could also be made for each other.

‘Yeugh! He tastes of ham’

We know this because the National Enquirer says so…and the Enquirer says so because Us magazine says so…and Us magazine says so because ‘a source’ says so.

And that is good enough for us, especially as the source goes on to elaborate.

‘They have a lot in common – fame, busy careers,’ he (or she – or, just possibly, it) says. ‘And they both want to settle down.’

All the ingredients, in other words, for a marriage that’s as successful as, say a Ben Affleck movie.

For we all know that fame acts like a glue, keeping couples together for days, weeks and sometimes months after they walk down the aisle.

And what better way is there to keep the flames of love burning than by never spending more than three days a month under the same roof?

But Jennifer should take heart from the fact, after his latest film Surviving Christmas tanked at the box office, she might not have to worry about Ben’s ‘busy career’.

‘I really believe,’ she once said, ‘in being with your partner through all the good times and bad times in life.’

Clearly, she has never had to sit through a whole Ben Afflcek movie…’

Posted: 7th, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Y, Oh Why?

‘AS the legend has it, no two nights are the same for Jamie Redknapp and his magic life.

A scene from Jamie and Louise’s XXX video

Although, these days, things are becoming more predictable, what with his being a father and that baby routine operating like clockwork.

And there is little Charley ‘with a y’ Redknapp being entwined in the bosom of dad and mum Louise’s love.

Isn’t he precious? He is. The couple say he is. But they stop short of saying how he is a miracle baby, as is the way with such children of the celebrity set.

But, given his history to date, miracle seems an apt word.

Overlooking his obvious achievement of having secured mum and dad an 11-page spread in Hello! (not including cover shot), his next notable feat was to have been delivered by Caesarean section.

This is amazing enough but, for little Charley with a y, mum can’t stop herself from coming over all doctor-like and telling use about her ”epidural”, the ”screen” that prevented her from seeing the ”big operation” and how it was Jamie who cut the ”umbilical cord”.

It is all too wonderful. And now not only do Jamie and Louise have a text-book celebrity lifestyle, but a text-book celebrity birth to talk about in those quiet moment between scoring a goal and releasing a single.’

Posted: 3rd, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Mia Mamma…Here We Go Again

‘DO you know what Kate Winslet’s greatest role is? Go on, have a guess. Yes, that’s it, being a mother.

”Remember me? I’M YOUR MUMMY”

Not that she’s acting like a mother, because Kate is the real thing. Go on take a look. Has she not stretch marks? Do her breasts not point down where they once pointed, er, less down?

Is her hair not brittle? Are her fingers not rubbed clean to the bone from the endless rounds of ironing, cleaning, washing, ironing, cleaning (repeat to early death)?

That they may be. But Kate has star quality and that – along with her make-up artiste, stylist, jeweller, hairdresser, lighting technician and joie de vivre – make her a true star.

So here she is, ready to tell the rest of womanhood what it’s like to have a real life ”baby” and be a ”mother”.

”I love it,” says Kate. ”I’m basically a mother who finds time to do work.”

Go on…

”My kids are young and I don’t want to miss out on anything. I had this triumphant thing the other night when I was reading bedtime stories to Mia and I said, ‘I’ve got to go to work tomorrow ,’ and she said, ‘But you don’t work, Mummy. You take me to school.”’

There’s one in the eye of those non-working millionaire so-called mums with their Filipino maid and chauffeurs. Eat that!

”So I’m a completely devoted and loving and very present mother, and every now and then I go off to work for while.”

And every now and then dad comes round – not Sam Mendes-Winslet, but Kate’s first husband, Whatshisname-Winslet – and doubtless too tells Mia how terrific and adoring and selfless her mother is.’

Posted: 3rd, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Baldness 1 Bolton 0

‘WHEN Michael Bolton begins to talk about the three most important women in his life, we wonder who they can be.

Hair yesterday, gone today

And then we look at some publicity shots of Bolton in his 1980s heyday and realise that they must be, in no order of importance, his hairdresser, his hair permer and his hair walker

But looking at Hello!’s shot of Bolton as he is today we see a stunning development – Michael’s hair has walked off.

There is some growth atop that famous head, but it’s all short, neat and oh-so modern.

It would be easy to take the blondish man with the dark suit for an estate agent or regional bank manager. But this IS Bolton, the man who made millions of poodles sit up and beg.

But rather than look at Bolton as he has become, let’s take a gander at his massive mansion in Connecticut.

”The villa’s a little Tuscan,” says he. ”The furniture is mostly Old English with some Italian and French.” And the overall effect is undeniably American.

But what you might take to be an enormous house full of a mishmash of styles – with a mural on the wall to make the lobby look like a scene from a Midsummer Night’s Dream meets Up Pompeii – is to Bolton just ”home”.

It’s where his heart is, and those three important women in his life – his daughters – are.

Where his hair went to, we are unsure.

But if you see it, please tell us and we’ll make sure that it’s returned to the singer. Who knows, you may even get a reward…’

Posted: 3rd, November 2004 | In: Reviews | Comment

Atomic Dustbin

‘WHAT do Atomic Kittens do when they hang up their claws and stop recording anodyne cover versions of other people’s songs?

”So, what shall we cover today?”

If they’re called Kerry Katona, they get married, have a couple of little kittens, get divorced and stick their tongue out a lot.

If they’re called Natasha Hamilton, they don’t get married, have a couple of kids and stick their breasts out a lot.

And if they’re called Jenny Frost they get married, don’t have a couple of kids and would like to be able to stick their breasts out a little more.

But whatever they do, they make sure OK! is there to capture it all on film.

So, we catch up with Jen having a raucous time on her sister’s hen weekend in Amsterdam, where we’re told she strutted the streets in an array of high-fashion outfits and revealed that she’s been eating less since her operation to have her tonsils removed and has consequently lost a little of her boobs.

And we get to have good natter with Tash, who is pregnant with her second child (by a second father), and boyfriend Gavin Hatcher.

And it is there that we learn that plans for the Kittens to reunite after Christmas have been put on hold and instead we shall have to wait until 2006.

By which time the girls should be about as well-known as the Page 3 girl who used to look like the orange one out of Liberty X…’

Posted: 1st, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Pocket Money

‘WHEN Kevin Federline married Britney Spears, he was within his rights to have expected certain things.

”Hi, honey. What’s for tea?”

In his own mental prenuptial, he might have believed that Britney would continue to be a pop tart and spend much time on the road and in the air touring and performing her act as an ageing schoolgirl.

She’d make videos, write songs, do promos and, all in all, spend around one day in every seven in his company.

But he would have been wrong to have thought that because we learn in the Enquirer that Britney has abandoned her singing career and wants to devote every single minute of her life to her Kev.

Now her only ambition, as the story goes, is to have children of her own – and to get pregnant she’s whisked Kev off on a baby-making trip to a private island near Fiji.

In this idyll, she and Kev are engaging in what a source calls ”their own sexual Olympics”.

But before the panel of judges can give Kev and Brit their scores in the bedroom gymnastics, we learn that Kev has already stuck gold.

To make him feel better about himself and not like the poor relation with minimal talent, a ratty moustache and two kids by another woman, Britney’s given him $2.3m.

This we learn are the proceeds from the sale of their wedding photos.

”It was a wedding gift,” says a source. ”She said, ‘Here’s the money, because I wouldn’t have had it if I hadn’t married you.”’

That she wouldn’t. But had she married someone of repute, with a photogenic face in place of that ferrety beard, she may have got a whole load more.

But it is a touching gesture of their true love – although another source says Kevin knows how ”fickle” his new wife can be and ”reckons a couple of kids as soon as possible will consolidate his hold over her”.

It’s clear thinking. But what if she doesn’t get pregnant and their love unravels like so many of her stage outfits?

Will Kevin be content with just a couple of mill, or will the photo album and that salacious holiday video get stolen and make their way onto a laptop near you?’

Posted: 1st, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

A Proper Joey

‘WE are not unkind, cruel or prejudiced against the handicapped, but we must wonder why it is that Joey is called Joey?

”How you doin’?”

Is it mere coincidence that Matt LeBlanc’s character from the Friends TV show – now appearing in his own faltering sitcom ‘Joey’ – shares a name with Joey Deacon?

Those of you of a certain vintage will recall the name Joey with a mixed sense of pride and shame.

Joey Deacon was the biggest thing to come out of Blue Peter since that elephant did a poo live on air and Shep refused to get down.

Joey’s cerebral palsy educated 1980s youth in how hard life is for the disabled while giving them a great way of taking the piss out of their playground chums.

And then after a break of some years, along cam Joey Tribbiani, who, like his namesake, was not at ease with the world around him.

And like our own Joey, the cruel and inhumane chuckled at his stupid ways, his inability to hold a conversation and his mad rolling eyes.

And then this Joey got his own TV series.

And after the brief time at the top, the show began to slide to such a position that now the only people who tune into watch Joey are those who would feel guilty and bigoted if they stopped doing so and those others too weak or ill to turn the TV off.’

Posted: 1st, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

In The Can

‘MARTHA Stewart (prisoner 1CUPSODA2ONECUPWATER) is trying to make friends and influence people at the Alderson federal prison in West Virginia.

Glock Pie

Beginning her five-month sentence for fraud and obstructing justice (among other charges), the queen of chintz is making herself at home in the Big House.

But she must at first appease the mad dogs who already live there, some of whom have kindly asked Martha to make their beds, do their laundry and buy supplies for them from the commissary.

If she does this, then all will fine and her face will be as rearranged as her new room.

But Martha is not one to lie down and has decided to win over her new roomies by asking them to submit their favourite recipes for her new cookbook.

So look out for Cup Cakes with nail file filling, spaghetti with speedballs and knuckle sandwiches…’

Posted: 1st, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

A New Model

‘WHEN would-be glamour model and former Big Brother contestant Michelle Bass goes out in public, she claims that quite often people don’t recognise her.

Michelle Heaton

Not of course because she’s a talentless wannabe with no more claim to the public attention than an ant, but for quite another reason entirely.

Michelle, you see, has lost a lot of weight since her days in the Big Brother house and has, according to OK!, gone from a size 16 to a perfect 10.

And the result? Perfect anonymity.

”I’ve noticed people at parties haven’t realised who I am,” she says.

”I was at a party the other day and someone asked if I was Michelle Heaton from Liberty X! People don’t seem to recognise me, so I must look very different.”

Yes, that’ll be the reason. Not that the other party guests are ignoring you or – worse still – have not the faintest idea or interest of who you are, fat or thin.

However, one person who does recognise Michelle is her bozo boyfriend, the equally talentless Stuart.

”Stuart always tells me I look gorgeous,” Michelle says. ”He tells me I look beautiful ten times a day, so I couldn’t ask for more.”

Unless of course she can think of a number that’s higher than 10…

And so armed with a new slimmer body and a boyfriend with an eyesight problem, Michelle is ready to fulfil her dream and show her tits off for a living.

”Hopefully,” she says, ”people will see me now and see that I’m looking better and that I’m more confident and they will want to sign me up.

”Whether it’s glamour modelling or just normal modelling, I don’t mind too much.”

Catwalks of Europe, beware. Some chick who looks like Michelle Heaton from Liberty X is on her way…’

Posted: 1st, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Getting Something Off Her Chest

‘THE real Michelle Heaton is of course to be found in OK!’s Hot Stars magazine pontificating to her loyal readers about the events of the past week.

”Do my breasts look big in this?”

And it is there that we learn that, in Michelle’s considered view, the ex-boyfriend who sold the sex secrets of Big Brother transsexual Nadia is ”thick”.

”You should never make money out of someone’s feelings,” says the woman who is of course paid to share her feelings with the world.

Also sharing her feelings in this week’s Hot Stars magazine is Kirsty Gallagher, who is keen to tell all and sundry how she would like smaller breasts.

In fact, so embarrassed is the 28-year-old by her large chest that she’s only done a dozen or so photoshoots for lads’ mags in the last couple of months.

But as we ponder Kirsty Gallacher’s breasts, a thought occurs to us.

Wasn’t Shell Jubin complaining in these very same pages just a couple of weeks ago about the size of her breasts and how she’d like to have BIGGER boobs?

An exchange of breasts, a problem solved and a new TV programme, Celebrity Breast Swap, into the bargain…’

Posted: 1st, November 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Fifty Fascinating Years

‘ONE thing we can say without fear of contradiction is that William Roache, aka Coronation Street’s Ken Barlow, is not boring.

”Things get interesting on the Street”

It is indeed hard to imagine a man for whom the word “boring” is less appropriate – as Hello! so ably demonstrates with a look back on his 50 years in showbusiness.

The occasion is a testimonial dinner at the Dorchester Hotel in London, during the course of which we learn many interesting – nay, fascinating – facts about Mr Roache.

We learn, for instance, that he is in the Guinness Book of Records as the longest serving actor in a television serial – as they call soaps these days.

We are reminded that during the 44 years he has spent in Weatherfield, he has had 23 girlfriends and three wives (all of whom are now ex-wives).

And we discover that in real life he has had two wives (only one of whom is an ex-wife) and four children, the youngest of whom William Jnr wants to become an actor like his dad.

But William Snr is so much more than a collection of (albeit riveting) facts.

Both his parents were doctors and he wants to give something back – beyond the millions of TV viewers whose lives he had enriched and the libel lawyers whose pockets he has lined.

And so he gives talks about philosophy – “recently to a group of families of bereaved children and also to spiritual groups” – which he hopes are helpful and healing to people.

Oh, and he’s a friend of disgraced Tory MP Neil Hamilton – or perhaps he used to be a friend because there’s no sign of Neil or his charming wife Christina at his testimonial dinner.

Which is in itself very interesting…’

Posted: 27th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Laughter Be The Food Of Love

‘WE here at Anorak Towers like to think we have our finger on the pulse of showbusiness’s perfectly sculpted wrist.

Jen likes to keep Marc under her hat

We know, for instance, what P Diddy’s nomenclature de jour, we’re up to speed on Oprah’s weight – she’s thin Oprah at the moment – and we can normally tell on any given night whom Kate Moss is sleeping with.

But, try as we might, we can’t for the life of us remember who Jennifer Lopez is married to this year.

So when we see the diva on the front cover of Hello! announcing to the world at large that “I’m happier now I’ve ever been”, we know not which gentleman is responsible for this felicitous state of affairs.

So, we have to turn inside the magazine where Hello! divulges that these days Jenny From The Block is not just happy, she’s “ecstatic” and smiling a smile “of pure contentment”.

And the identity of the cause of her happiness is revealed to us as Latin singing sensation Marc Anthony, who could very soon be in the Guinness Book of Records alongside William Roache after completing four months as Mr Jennifer Lopez.

And in the interview that accompanies this piece of information Jennifer reveals that it a shared sense of humour that has kept them together for all this time.

“I like a good dancer, yes. I like a good talker,” she says. “I like a lot of things that are not that simple to define, but I do like to laugh – I think it’s very important in a romantic relationship to make each other laugh.”

And who better to make Jen laugh than Marc Anthony, 4ft 8in in his stockinged feet…’

Posted: 27th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Marriage Vow

‘MODELS, we know, are not renowned for their brains and it stands to reason that supermodels are thicker than your average catalogue clothes horse.

Caprice was in her school bikini team

So when we learn that when she was young, Caprice wouldn’t even answer a question in the classroom, we suspect that shyness may not have been the only reason.

But she’s 29 now and, although the blonde hair is still, well, blonde, her shyness has abated to the extent that she’s happy to parade around in next to nothing.

What is more, she now has a bit more experience of life – and frankly therefore we are disappointed to hear her coming out with statements like the following:

“When you talk about marriage,” she tells Hello!, “you’re talking about the rest of your life, and you have to be 100 per cent committed.”

Poppycock, my girl. If Mr and Mrs J Public need only be about 60% committed to get married these days, then celebrities can walk down the aisle with barely double-digit commitment.

Marriage is, as the wedding service so eloquently says, to be entered into unadvisedly, lightly, wantonly, to satisfy men’s carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding.

And as for it being for the rest of your life, get real.

As Jennifer Lopez will testify, a true celebrity’s day doesn’t really start until they’ve got their first wedding ceremony out of the way…’

Posted: 27th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Jack Of All Trades

‘SINCE leaving EastEnders a few years back, Jack Ryder has been playing the part of Kym Marsh’s loving husband.

Will the honeymoon never end?

It’s a role that’s taken him to Hertfordshire and back again as he got to know Kym and her two children by another man, the lovely Emily and David.

It may not have gained Jack the exposure of his last job as Albert Square’s Jamie Mitchell, but he has had more than his fair share of nights out with the showbiz set, having seen Kym in Saturday Night Fever about 20 times.

He’s also toured the world. And as if Hertfordshire were not enough (as if!), Jack’s work has taken him on no less than two honeymoons.

The first, Jack and Kym tell us, was a disaster. As Kym remembers: “Our rabbit died, I got stung on the backside and the villa was infested with ants.”

What is more, the wedding and first honeymoon didn’t even amount to a 20-page spread in OK!, which is surely the right of stars such as they.

So they had another go. And this time, we can say with no little pride that the six-page spread of Jack and Kym’s second honeymoon in Cyprus – when added to the coverage given to their first romantic trip, their non-separation separation and Kym’s singing career – means the 20-page Holy Grail (albeit in total) lies within their grasp.

And they would have achieved it already had only Jack got himself another job and been able to pad out his answer to the question: “What are you doing work-wise, Jack?”

So, they’re stuck on 19 pages for a while longer – or at least until Jack appears in pantomime or Jamie Mitchell rises from the beyond…’

Posted: 26th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Now We Are One

‘WHEN the musical of TV’s Big Brother hits the stage, many would suppose that Jack Ryder and Kym Marsh would be shoo-ins to play the parts of Stuart Wilson and Michelle Bass.

Like two halves of a pantomime horse

But, alas, we fear that once again Jack may not get the gig, since the job of playing Michelle and Stu can be done by one actor.

So similar in appearance are this twosome that, unless Janet and Michael Jackson are around, multi-talented Kym will be able to play both halves of reality TV’s great romantics on her own.

Or, perhaps, Kym (or is it Stu?) will opt to play her/himself on stage.

After all, she/he will soon be learning all about stagecraft in her/his role of the princess in Aladdin in St Albans this coming festive season.

Before that, however, OK! whisks off the happy duo to a hotel in Cambridge to talk over what is that made them Best Couple at the recent OK! Celebrity Awards and if there is any truth in the rumours of their impending nuptials.

“That is an absolute load of rubbish,” says Stu. “Would you get engaged after four months?” asks Michelle.

OK!’s diarist fails to answer, although Michelle may be directing her question to us, the readers at large.

And, if she is, our simple answer is “Yes, we would” – and we’d do it under a table on live TV with the lights on…’

Posted: 26th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | Comment

Losing Face

‘WHEN we first saw pictures of James Farrell a few full moons ago, we gasped.

That you, Joe?

Used to cooing over babies, we were for the fist time forced to search for a new language to describe this rare bundle of joy.

We had imagined we’d never see his like again – and, thanks to pixel imaging, we don’t have to.

Now, before you gang up on us and tell us how failing to gush over a baby is the lowest of the low, remember that this is no ordinary child.

This is Joe, son of Kate Winslet, an actress who has spent many minutes of her celebrity life telling the world about her pregnancy and her kids.

Pictures were our due. We expected to see slide shows and, if not the moments of his birth and the first wiping of his nose, then at least a shot of the little scamp in his mother’s arms.

But no. What we get, via OK!, are shots of Joe with a pixelated face.

There is, of course, a chance that this is his face and his skin is divided into very small squares that render his features indistinguishable.

If this is so, then we can expect to see even more of Joe and hear how his appearance has been a boon to other pixelated babies and their distressed mothers who have lived in fear of showing their children to an uncaring and cruel world.

Or it may be that Kate, or the powers around her, have forbidden OK! from showing the face of her child.

Why would they do that? We shudder to think…’

Posted: 26th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

The Water Babies

‘IN Lesson No.3 in Julia Roberts’ series on how to lose you man and make him think you’re nuts, we learn that the actress thinks, if the twin children she’s carrying are born in a peaceful manner, that’s how they’ll live their lives later on.

”Mad? Me? That’s a laugh!”

So for the entire duration of her labour, she may be wearing a rubber mask of a style familiar to fans of such movies as Pulp Fiction and Anorak Xmas Party 2003.

She’s also looking to calm her new-born duo with water, allowing them not so much to erupt into the world but to be launched like two rubber ducks into her birthing pool.

But there’s a word of warning for Julia. The kids may live to be paragons of peace and quiet – Trappist monks even – but they may not live at all.

”Every birth can have its problems,” says gynaecologist and doom-merchant Dr Eric Sills. ”And with twins your complications double.”

He goes on say that it only takes a short while for a baby to drown and, if Julia gives birth under water at home, medics may not be able to deal with an emergency.

But Julia must not worry. She must remain calm. She must banish such negative thinking from her mind, just as she has rid her body of toxins.

So we’re sending her TWO sachets of herbal tea, which when infused in her birthing pool will provide a sustaining and soothing drink as she coolly delivers her brood.’

Posted: 22nd, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

An N And Five Stars

‘WANNA see a 14-hour long tape of Paris Hilton being nasty with TWO black men and a white guy called Brandon Davis?

”When’s the bloody Stannah Stairlift going to arrive?”

It’s a sensation. And it’s proving to be scandal in the US of A.

As the Enquirer tells it, two men in Los Angeles claim to have in their possession a video tape on which Paris is seated next to her now former pal Davis at a party.

The black men approach and ask Paris if she would consider modelling some clothes for them.

They then walk away, leaving Paris to turn to her pal and utter the immortal and openly pornographic phrase: ”Dirty n******.”

This black on white action is real X-rated stuff. It’s unadulterated pure filth.

But Davis is unimpressed. He’s seen Paris’s past work and says that such scenes of sickness are nothing new.

”She was forever using the ‘N-word’,” says he. ”I told her not to use it. It was offensive. But she just laughed.”

And that leaves Davis to make a shocking deduction. ”She is a racist,” says he, ”plus an idiot. Every black person she referred to was a ‘n****’.”

And since she puts down ”Jews and other minorities too”, Davis has decide to finish with her.

And he might not be alone, since the Enquirer is certain that as a result of her ejaculation Paris will lose viewers from her TV show, The Simple Life.

A title which now seems to say so very much about the blonde wannabe…’

Posted: 22nd, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Rich And Famous

‘BRITNEY Spears has been piling on the pounds – and the dollars.

$123m buys you a lot of burgers

The Enquirer has seen Fortune magazine’s list of the USA’s top earners under the age of 40 and noticed that the singer with raw zits appeal is worth an estimated $123m.

Kevin Federline, Britney’s new husband, makes the list, coming in in an estimated nine millionth place, and so too do some other big names.

Top of the lot is Michael Dell, the 39-year-old owner of Dell computers, who is worth an estimated $17.95 billion.

The top-earning entertainer is Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka P Diddy, aka that rich bastard with the fur coat on. He’s worth $315m.

Other notables are Jennifer Lopez (age: 35; worth: $255m), Julia Roberts (age: 36; worth: $225m) and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (age: 18, worth: $137m apiece).

They are all very beautiful people.

And we recall the days with pride when no-one apart from us here at Anorak Towers said they’d make it.

We, who stuck by them whatever other cruel mouths said about their weight, talent and oddly-shaped third nipples, raise a paper cup to their achievements.

And if they should drop some cash in it, then so much the wiser of them…’

Posted: 22nd, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Through Glasses Darkly

‘IF Nicole Kidman were a teenage boy on holiday alone in Europe and Karl Lagerfeld asked him back to his apartment for a party, should he go?

Alan Tracy

Thankfully, Nicole is no boy, being as she is a woman of some stature both physically and in her role as a major Hollywood star.

So when Karl – ”You can call me Karl, my dear” – invited her back to his Paris home for what Hello! terms a ”bash”, she had no need to be coy or reticent.

In any case, she’d not be alone because Karl had invited lots of his other friends back for fun – people like Monaco’s Princess Caroline and her husband Prince Ernst.

And Princess Caroline’s daughter, Charlotte Casiraghi, who looks remarkably at ease for one so young chez Lagerfeld.

There is indeed some sense of safety in numbers, even down to the fact that, when one of the assembled supermodels and princesses took to the floor to dance to Erasure’s greatest hits, so too did six or even seven of their number.

Meanwhile, while others danced and sang, and Karl watched through his dark glasses, Nicole made her excuses and went off into the night.’

Posted: 20th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Browned Off

‘IT’S encouraging to see that the recent claims by tanning expert Dannielle Heath have not deterred Posh Spice from going brown.

”Did I tell you about when we first met?”

Good on her for sticking to her colour scheme, one that has worked well for thousands, if not millions, of Indians for millennia.

Of course, the tan may be real and, if so, we wonder what panda eyes lurk behind the huge pair of sunglasses Posh uses to hide a large part of her face.

But let’s not worry, because it’s also encouraging to note that having been made to look a fool by Day-vid and Rebecca Loos, Posh has not abandoned her natural gift for being a laughing stock.

So there she is dressed in huge poncho, stepping into a car. And here she is issuing a joint statement with her doting husband about Ms Heath.

”We are sick and tired of people trying to make money at the expense of our family,” says she and he.

And what’s more, we also hear that David is seeing a marriage guidance councillor.

”David was against it at first,” says a source, ”he didn’t feel able to talk to a perfect stranger about his marriage.”

Unless, of course, they worked for the press…’

Posted: 20th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

A Rum Collins

‘WHERE Des O’Connor leads, others follow. And looking at the cover of this week’s Hello! we see Joan Collins cuddling a young baby.

”I’m not extinct yet”

”She’s so gorgeous,” says Joan, ”like a little Botticelli painting. I didn’t want to hold her in my arms until she was two months old. And then I just fell in love with her.”

Can Joan be so cruel as to deprive the fruit of her still fertile loins some motherly comfort for the first few weeks of its life?

Well, no, because little Ava Grace is not hers – she’s the daughter of her son Sacha and his wife, Angela.

But the little love has, as Hello! tells us, inherited her grandmother’s heart-shaped face and ”enormous eyes.”

Those familiar with drawings produced by victims of alien abduction will know the look well.

It’s little wonder then that, as Joan says, ”whenever Sacha and Angela take her out, people swarm around her like bees to a honeypot”.

Human beings can be a curious bunch, and while Sacha and Angela’s fellow New Yorkers gawp at Ava Grace with wonder in their eyes, we ponder why it is that Joan likes to be known as Dodo.

”My other two grandchildren call me that,” explains Joan. ”It’s a family name.”

With that cleared up, we then wonder why it is that Joan – sorry, Dodo – is soon seated by a picnic in New York’s Central Park wearing a cowboy hat?

And why her daughter-in-law is doing the same?

But we need not even ask why Sacha, a budding artist, is back indoors painting his little bundle of space dust.

It may be that with such enormous eyes, the flash from a normal camera would bounce back and render Joan and the family blind.

A painting seems the safest option. And will arouse less suspicion.’

Posted: 20th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Shell’s Back

‘WHEN Shell Jubin stripped off to give Sun readers a glimpse of her nubbins a couple of months ago, she assured us it was a once-in-a-lifetime event.

Shell was so shy that Vanessa had to hold her down for the camera

‘The celebrity lifestyle isn’t for me,’ she said, ‘although I have enjoyed the experience. I’m returning to university as a postgraduate and will be buried back in my art books.’

Well, we know the train back up to Scotland is not exactly famed for its speed or reliability, but two months have now passed and the Glasgow art scene is still missing its favourite daughter.

Instead, the Big Brother blonde appears to have reneged on her pledge and is happy to share her thoughts, her nubbins and her thoughts about her nubbins with anyone who asks.

In recent weeks, she has been spotted posing with Jordan in Front magazine and sharing a bath with fellow Big Brother housemate Vanessa in Nuts magazine.

And this week she crops up again in a state of advanced undress in the pages of OK!’s Hot Stars magazine, where she proceeds to tell all and sundry how she’d love to have bigger boobs.

We also learn that, although Shell has never had a Brazilian wax, ‘I’ve given myself something close to that’. A Bolivian wax, perhaps?

We discover that Shell’s lips are her best feature, she sometimes wears too much blusher and her idea of pampering herself is ‘just going to bed early with a bottle of wine’.

Finally, however, to our intense dismay we read that ‘she’s covering up her curves to return to studying’.

We wish her the best of luck and only hope that she doesn’t have to wait another two months for a train…’

Posted: 18th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Couture Shock

‘THE only fashion show that we here at Anorak have ever attended was five years ago for the launch of our celebrated Comfi-Slax range.

‘Come on, number five! You can do it!’

Some of the biggest – or at least longest – names in fashion descended on Anorak Towers that day to see the parade of models clad only in our now trademark 100% flame retardant fabric.

The Pomagne flowed, we scoffed cheese and pineapple chunks by the lorryload and it wasn’t long before the queue for the staff toilet stretched out onto the street.

But, apart from that, we have never been tempted to park our well-cushioned derrieres on a front-row seat in Paris, Milan or New York.

In fact, we admit that we are quite baffled by the appeal of these catwalk shows.

There in OK! this week is a picture of Gwyneth Paltrow clapping her macrobiotic heart out, looking for all the world as if she is at a football match or has front-row seats for a world heavyweight bout.

But she’s not – she is, the caption informs us, at her pal Stella McCartney’s spring/summer 2005 show in Paris.

Now, we could understand the excitement if they added a touch of competition to these shows.

They could introduce a race to see which model can make it to the end of the catwalk first, for instance; they could learn a few lessons from the grappling game and have the models trying to wrestle each other off the runway; or they could borrow the old Club 18-30 favourite and get the models to walk along a log suspended over a swimming pool.

We might then understand the reaction of Nicole Kidman, pictured gasping in horror/surprise/delight at Karl Lagerfeld’s collection.

But clapping a load of gawky looking tall chicks just for managing to walk from one end of a catwalk to another…please!

However, this year we’re pleased to see the fashion world have taken collective heads out of their arses long enough to tackle some of the big issues of the day.

‘Dior Not War’ is the slogan on the back of a John Galliano-designed jacket for Christian Dior.

If that doesn’t have all sides in the Middle East laying down their arms, then nothing will…’

Posted: 18th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments

Barrel Of Laughs

‘UNBENOWNST to Anorak, Gigi Morley has been the face of Saturday’s National Lottery draw for the past two and a half years.

‘Where have they all gone?’

Also unbeknownst to us, she has decided to leave the BBC1 show to work on other projects ‘including a book on fashion and a series of high-profile documentaries’.

But thanks to OK!, we feel we were at her leaving party as she and her celebrity friends ‘brought a carnival atmosphere to the Eve club’.

And thanks to Gigi and party organiser Nick Ede, we now know exactly what the bottom of the celebrity barrel looks like.

We’re happy to admit that we haven’t a clue who half the people pictured in the magazine are – but, if you can tell a person by the company they keep, we doubt they are Hollywood A-listers.

In fact, it would seem that party organiser Nick Ede has given the bottom of the celebrity barrel such a good scrape that we wonder he has not worn a hole in it.

Who in their right mind would invite quiz show cheat Major Charles Ingram and his wife Morticia to their party?

Why would anyone want to spend an evening with Big Brother loudmouth Emma Greenwood? Or GMTV’s Kate Garraway?

And didn’t any of them have anything better to do with their evening? Like go out with their real friends? Or stay in and stick hot pins through their toenails?’

Posted: 18th, October 2004 | In: Reviews | 0 Comments