Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Uno, Dos, Tres…
‘HOW many people can you fit in a Fiat Uno?
|
| ‘Hey! Isn’t that the Pope sitting next to Bin Laden?’ |
No, it’s not a joke – we ask only because the white car that was supposedly responsible for the crash that killed Princess Diana is getting fuller by the day.
Let’s see, we’ve got Prince Philip in the driver’s seat, with his son Charles next to him. An MI6 agent sits in the back seat next to a counterpart from the Israeli secret service, Mossad.
Wedged between them are a couple of business enemies of Mohammed Al Fayed, who were not after the Princess at all but her companion Dodi Fayed.
On one of their laps is Osama Bin Laden, the Pope is in the boot with a couple of Freemasons for company and Mother Theresa is strapped to the roof-rack.
Amazing really that no-one in Paris remembers seeing the car that fateful August evening…
But, wait, budge up – we’ve got to fit at least one more in.
The National Enquirer says that Bill Clinton is responsible for Diana’s death.
Not that he was in the car, of course – he would only have drawn attention to it and anyway he couldn’t possibly have fitted all his secret service agents in.
No, Clinton was responsible for Princess Diana’s death because he had pledged to her his support for her campaign to rid the world of landmines.
And, says a new book by a Noel Botham, that was enough to persuade a cabal of billionaire arms dealers, the Pentagon and the CIA to decide to off her.
‘Getting rid of Diana was becoming the only viable option,’ a former intelligence officer is quoted as saying.
And the only way to do it was with a new top-secret CIA gizmo – a flying pig by the name of Jefferson who attacked the Princess’s Mercedes from the air…’
Inside Life
‘JUDGING by the picture of the federal correction facility in Alderson, Martha Stewart has her work cut out to give her cell the homely feel for which she is famous.
|
| The Alderson prison magazine |
Minimal chic is perhaps the best way to describe the 9ft by 12ft cubicle, which the ‘doomed domestic diva’ will share with another inmate for the next five months.
But we have no doubt that Martha will put to good use the skills that once made her ‘the ultimate in refinement and good taste’ in the eyes of middle America.
For a start, those dirty blinds over the window will have to go, to be replaced by some nice floral curtains.
A little lace tablecloth or patchwork quilt would do wonders for that rather ugly desk; perhaps a collage to brighten up the bulletin board; and, as for the bed linen, yeugh!
But Martha doesn’t want to make her cell too accommodating – according to the Enquirer, the prison is well-known for rampant lesbianism.
‘If you’re a lesbian inmate at Alderson, it’s great,’ says 33-year-old Elizabeth Frame, who served part of her sentence there. ‘If you’re not, it’s a nightmare.
‘I’d say about 60% of the female inmates are lesbian and, if you don’t have a girlfriend inside the prison, it’s an open market for other lesbians to hit on you.’
Especially if your cell looks a showroom for the Ideal Home Exhibition…’
Paris’s Week
‘IF Paris Hilton did not exist, it would be necessary for the National Enquirer to invent her.
|
| Accommodation from £120 a night |
The hotel heiress dominates America’s premier gossip magazine in much the same way that Princess Diana used to dominate the pages of OK! and Hello!
This week, for instance, we learn that Paris is a racist – and has been caught on one of her many ‘racy sex and party’ tapes using ‘the N-word’.
We hear that Paris and a gentleman by the name of Simon Rex were spotted going to see the film Shaun Of The Dead in Miami Beach.
We learn that Paris is signing a deal with shoe firm Skechers to deign her own line of footwear.
We’re told that Paris is ‘in supersecret negotiations’ to dethrone Pro Porn Queen Jenna Jameson by producing a feature-length gonzo sex movie.
And, for good measure, we are treated to a picture of our favourite blonde with her left breast hanging out…’
Age Shall Not Weary Him
‘IT is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of a bus pass should be in need of a wife of half his age.
|
| ‘So, are you my mother or my sister?’ |
And so it is that we join with Hello! in congratulating 55-year-old piano man Billy Joel who got married last week to 23-year-old TV presenter Kate Lee.
The balding Bronx-born crooner had his 18-year-old daughter (by his second marriage – to Chrissie Brinkley) act as maid of honour at the ceremony at his Long Island home.
But over the other side of the Atlantic, his achievement was being thoroughly overshadowed by Julio Iglesias’s dad, who introduces us to his new baby son…at the age of 89.
The randy octogenarian became a dad again just four months ago with his 40-year-old second wife Ronna – herself almost half a century his junior.
Young Jaime Nathaniel Iglesias Puga may not know it yet, but he is brother to 61-year-old Spanish crooner Julio and uncle to singing heartthrob Enrique.
Hell, he might soon be able to call Anna Kournikova his niece.
So what does the future hold in store for the soon-to-be-fatherless toddler?
‘I hope he’s got a zest for life and that he’s honest,’ says Julio Iglesias Snr.
And that he too grows up to marry a woman of less than half his age – so that when Enrique celebrates his 100th birthday many years from now he can look forward to a visit from his 30-year-old aunt…’
Law Courts
‘AS a naïve young 24-year-old, Jude Law committed the cardinal celebrity sin of marrying someone older than himself.
|
| It’s easy to see what Eamonn saw in Sienna |
It took six years and three children for Jude to realise the error of his ways, but we are glad to see that he is now very much on the right track.
Having split with wife Sadie Frost (who is sex years his senior), the 31-year-old British actor has been dating Sienna Miller (a wholesome nine years his junior).
And such is Jude’s new-found attachment to all things youthful that there may even be wedding bells in the air.
Hello! regales us with the story of how ‘a handsome divorce with matinee-idol looks’ got down on bended knee in romantic Venice to propose to his beautiful girlfriend,
And then tells us it’s all nonsense – the couple are, alas, not engaged secretly or otherwise.
‘It’s complete nonsense,’ Sienna says. ‘I am bemused as to where these reports have come from.’
We, on the other hand, are not. In fact, we’d hazard a guess that the Press just made it up.
Something that the woman who is one half of a couple that Hello! has desperately dubbed ‘The Brad and Jen of Britain’ had better get used to.
Which reminds us – did we tell you our exclusive news that Sienna Miller is pregnant…and Eamonn Holmes is the father? No? Well, it’s true…’
Tiger & Scorcher
‘ONE man who has got married recently is Tiger Woods, albeit to a woman a measly four years his junior.
|
| Elin couldn’t get the hang of the backswing |
No wonder therefore that the world’s most famous golfer was so keen to keep the Press at a very long telephoto lens’ length that he spent nearly $2m on his Caribbean wedding.
But the best laid plans of men and Tigers frequently come to nought – and so it is that Hello! this week publishes grainy shots of the happy couple at the Sandy Lodge hotel in Barbados.
It also publishes an equally grainy shot of Elin, a former swimsuit model, emerging from the sea in what can only be described as a hard-working bikini.
Bad news for lovers of statuesque blonde former Swedish nannies as Elin becomes a Tigress.
Good news, however, for randy pensioners around the world – Elin has a twin sister called Josephin.
And she just loves incontinent old men who are old enough to be her grandfather…’
Pinky’s Not Perky
‘OK! is right again when it writes: ‘Whenever I’m A Celebrity… star Kerry and her former Westlife husband appeared in public, they seemed to be the perfect match.’
|
| Together forever |
He was Pinky to her Perky. His was the jam in her doughnut. They complimented (sic) each other perfectly.
Just listen. ‘You’re amazing, gorgeous and soooo talented,’ said Kerry to her man. ‘And you’re amazing, gorgeous and soooo talented,’ said Brian to his woman.
Here were two people cast from the same mould. From their highlighted hair down to their matching his ‘n’ hers bras and Y-fronts, they just fitted.
But things went bad. And now Kerry speaks exclusively to OK! about what went wrong with her and Brian.
‘As most people are aware,’ says Kerry, ‘I’ve been having some personal problems and I need time to come to terms with what has happened and sort them out.
‘I am going to take a complete break from the public spotlight for a month and I hope that everybody understands my reasons for doing this.’
If this were not horrible enough, Kerry says that her hiatus from the Z-list will also include a break from writing her weekly OK! column, the diary that’s been required reading for every man and his dog.
She’s going away to lick her wounds, off to her mum’s house in Warrington. And she could be there for good, having reportedly already enrolled her two girls in local schools.
‘Meanwhile, back in Ireland,’ says OK!, ‘Brian has tried to hide his sorrow by heading for the pub with pals.’
Or celebrating, if you prefer…’
A Chest To Cry On
‘DON’T worry, Kerry McPadding, help is on its way.
|
| Breast of friends |
The call has gone out, the flares have been lit and Jordan is swinging into action.
Taking a break from baking her ‘speciality’ chicken Kiev and chips, and eating her ‘Jordania’ steak – a dish dreamt up by her insania lover, Peter Andre, and composed of steak, mushrooms, onions, acorns and lashings of silicone – Jordan confronts the issue of the day.
She says that when she first heard of Kerry’s split from Brian, she could not believe it.
But now the news has had time to sink in, Jordan feels really sorry for both of them.
‘You’ll be there for her,’ won’t you?’ asks OK!, hoping against all hope that Jordan will rally round Kerry in her time of greatest need.
‘I do remember what she said about me and Peter on TV – about our relationship being a publicity stunt – and she knows me better than that from the jungle,’ says Jordan supportively.
So you won’t be there for her, Jordan?
Maybe. But Jordan is no hard-faced so-and-so and has some compassion. ‘But something like this,’ says Jordan, ‘of course I will be there for her.’
With a cheery smile and a lingering last laugh…’
Give Her Ell
‘GIVEN Kerry McPadding’s absence, it’s right and proper that Darren Day and his pregnant girlfriend Suzanne Shaw both wore black for the OK! celebrity awards.
|
| An homage to Kerry |
Others, though, were not so sensitive to the public mood, preferring to flaunt themselves in pathetic bids to fill the massive void left by our Kerry’s tearful departure.
Just who does Jennifer Ellison think she is in that halter neck top that leaves so little to the imagination?
If Kerry’s diary were in full flow, we’d imagine she’d be using words like ‘slapper’ and ‘prossie’ to explain this pretender to her throne.
Indeed, it’s best to look at the celebrity set as they made their way up the red carpet to take their seats at ITV’s London Television Centre and wonder what dear Kerry would have written.
‘Jenny Powell is such a slag,’ Kerry might have said. ‘That may be Dolce and Gabbana she’s wearing, but it looks more like D&G on her. Or DOG!’
And there’s Rachel Stevens. ‘Who the bloody hell does she think she is, Rachel from Friends with her hair and things? Don’t make me laugh. What a dog!’
And there’s Vanessa Nimmo with Ben Fogle. ‘Just who the crap has she come as? She was only on Big Brother for two piggin’ minutes! It’s not like she won it or anything – not like I did in the jungle. She’s a right dog.’
Oh, it’s too much, we can’t ever hope to compete with the great Kerry.
So come on, love, pull yourself together. Shake a lettuce and get back to being the star you are…’
Gathering No Moss
‘WHAT were Britney Spears and Kevin Federline doing in that hotel room for fully 72 hours after their recent wedding?
|
| ‘What about Quality Streets?’ |
The Enquirer is in no doubt – it says the couple were enjoying marathon sex sessions and Britney was hoping to become pregnant on that first night together.
But were they? Is it not possible that they were reading, playing Scrabble or watching the Paris Hilton Video Diaries?
We ask only because we hear that Brit has been buying up books recently on how to become pregnant, suggesting that the 22-year-old may not be too familiar with the birds and the bees.
(Sex education classes in her home state of Louisiana can be summed up thus: ‘Sit around and wait for the Holy Ghost to come upon you (not literally). If that fails, marry your cousin.’)
The same cannot be said of Jack Nicholson or indeed of Kate Moss, who between them must have been to bed with approximately a quarter of the world’s population.
But not so far with each other – and that’s the way it’s going to stay, says the Enquirer, despite Jack’s best efforts.
‘He’s been bombarding her with flowers, phone calls and huge boxes of expensive chocolates,’ a pal says.
It’s a tactic that may have worked on many girls in the past, but not our Kate. She responds to more subtle gestures. Like ‘please’…’
Paris By Night
‘ANORAK’S video library is nothing if not extensive.
|
| We’ll always have Paris |
We have extended coverage of every Royal Wedding since 1947, including a bootleg copy of Prince Edward and Sophie’s infamous honeymoon video.
We have every episode ever made of Eldorado, all our favourite episodes of EastEnders (including the one where Andy gets run over) and countless episodes of Emmerdale from the days before they did up The Woolpack and dropped Farm from the title.
We have sporting videos galore, documentaries, keep-fit videos and, in a cardboard box marked ‘For Old Mr Anorak’s Eyes Only’, what we are told are nature programmes.
But even our giant collection pales into insignificance next to that of our favourite hotel heiress, Paris Hilton.
Being the creative type, Paris likes to keep a video diary of her fascinating – and certainly fulfilling – life.
As a popular girl, that obviously features some of the nice young men who have squired her around the bars and clubs of the world.
And, such is Paris’s passion for honesty that the camera keeps on rolling even when the bedroom door is closed and our 23-year-old heroine is enjoying some private time.
Sadly, however, not everyone shares Paris’s passion for honesty and the National Enquirer reports that yet more of these tapes have been stolen from her Hollywood Hills home.
Incredibly for a woman who is heir to a multi-million-dollar fortune, it appears that pretty well any Tom, Dick and Harry can walk into said house and remove what they choose.
And it appears that what they chose from the mountains of tapes Paris has built up over the years were mainly ones showing her in intimate clinches with some of her beaus.
There is one, apparently, which features Paris in the back of a cab with former boyfriend Jason Shaw.
Another shows her standing in a bathroom naked apart from a pore strip on her nose.
And yet another shows her in the back of a different cab with another boyfriend Nick Carter, who (says an insider) ‘slips his hand up her skirt and fondles her’.
However, the Enquirer makes no mention of two other tapes believed to be missing from Paris’s house.
One of these shows Paris carrying out her numerous obligations for the countless charities to which she gives so generously of her time and money.
The other shows her reading a book.’
The Boston Dinner Party
‘SADLY, Anorak is not one of the charities to which Paris Hilton gives so generously and we have to scratch a meagre living as best we can.
|
| ‘Sorry, guys. I forgot my wallet’ |
The Anorak range of Comfi-Slax has of course been a massive success, but most of that money goes to keeping Old Mr Anorak in private jets.
And so it is, dear reader, that we are forced to hold our hands out and ask for your help.
We wouldn’t do this lightly, but we see in this week’s National Enquirer that an auction is currently taking place on eBay in which we can bid to have dinner with our favourite celeb.
When the magazine went to print, Sarah Jessica Parker was leading the way with a bid of $25,300 – ten grand ahead of Anorak’s bid Ben Affleck.
If we can only collect enough money before the auction closes to oust Parker on the top spot, than Anorak (and the eight readers who donate the most) will soon be sitting round a dinner table in Boston with our favourite actor.
Just make sure that none of you order turkey. Gobble! Gobble!’
Never Land
‘SIR Cliff Richard in his Surrey home for the first time, announces the cover of Hello!.
|
| ‘Sorry to disturb you’ |
Intriguing stuff and enough to make us to wonder why Cliff hasnt been in the Surrey home hes owned for the past 30 years before now?
But Hello! doesnt ask him, it being too busy listening to Cliff as he talks about his incredible career, his humble origins, his unshakable faith and why he can afford to ignore his critics.
In the course of this talk about his wonderful life during which he wears a pair of silver slip-on trainers Cliff does confess to spending six weeks in his house in Portugal last summer.
He also tells us about his home in Barbados, the place called Sugar Hill, that timeshare villa Cliff shares with his good friends Tony and Cherie Blair.
But even with two holiday homes, there are sill sizable chunks in his calendar. Where has he been getting his head down for the past three decades?
And while we look at Cliffs face and calculate how many hours hes spent in Botox recovery chambers, he tells us: I pinch myself every day.
This strikes us as odd. Odder still when he says that he does this to remind himself that hes not dreaming.
And once more we wonder about the cumulative effects of Botox and, perhaps, even those local and general anaesthetics that preclude surgery.
The poor chap probably thinks hes at Wimbledon…’
A Little Phuong
‘HAVING ticked the celebrity boxes marked blonde, tanned and white of tooth, EastEnders Kim Medcalf looked for her next move.
|
| ‘And no stretch marks, neither’ |
With a celebrity column in Hello! a way off, Kim opted instead for that other mainstay of the showbiz set: cuddling up to a photogenic, deprived, foreign child.
So she went to Vietnam and met with her sponsor accessory, Phuong.
Kim really loves Phuong but shed never seen her before. So she was seized with fear when she walked up a tiny path to Phuongs modest house.
Kim looked at her hands, tuning over the lollies and pencil case she bought with her as gift, unsure of what reception shed get from the girl she adopted.
I cant count the number of times Id taken out the photo of that pretty little girl and looked at it with a mixture of excitement about what our first meeting would be like, sighed Kim.
She was also worried that she might feel upset about Phuongs living conditions.
With her mind swimming with what could go wrong, Kim rapped on the door of the home Phuong shares with her 12-year-old sister, her other mum and her dad.
Here was the opportunity of meeting Phuong – the child Kim refers to as my child – face to face.
And on cue the pair beamed. Kim need not have worried because I turned the corner and there was this tiny, beautiful child, dressed in her Sunday best, standing by the steps and holding a bouquet of lowers.
Im, sure we felt as shy as each other, says Kim, as the cameras clicked, the flesh bulbs popped and the ice melted away…’
Fields Of Dreams
‘KEVIN Costner, the actor who manages to be Kevin Costner in every role he plays, has got married for the second time.
|
| Dances With Handbags |
The new lucky wife of the 49-year-old Oscar winner is Christine Baumgartner, a 30-year-old handbag designer.
A wedding to a Hollywood star and a spread in Hello! would, youd imagine, be the perfect chance for Christine to display her adeptness at handbag designing.
But we cant see one. In fact, we cant see much, because this is a wedding to which Hello! took not a present, confetti or rice, but a telephoto lens.
You can just make out Christine as she walks through the ankle-high grass to the main event at Costners ranch.
You can just see Christine and Kevin gliding on a lake as he paddles their canoe along beneath a cloudy, expansive sky.
You can just make out Kevin as he and his buddies travel in a wagon along a dirt track.
The picture is a little out of focus and theres a huge tree blocking the wedding platform and most of the guests as you see Kevin and Christine prepare to tie the knot.
And after all that, they were gone for a honeymoon to get away from it all in Scotland. Or so they told Hello!…’
No News Is Bad News
‘WE all know that OK! is first for celebrity news because it says so on the magazines cover.
|
| Is this Kerry or Brian’s table? |
And we all know that magazines never lie to persuade poor unsuspecting readers to part with their money with the promise of a story that is as exclusive as the combination to Jodie Marshs chastity belt.
So, when we heard the sad news of the marriage break-up of former Westlife crooner Bryan McPadding and his chesty wife Kerry, it was naturally to OK! we turned for all the details.
After all, with the magazines reputation for scooping its rivals and with Kerry herself as its star columnist, this was a story that could have been made for OK!
Kerrys tears as fairytale comes to an end; The kids will come first Kerry opens her heart to OK!; I still love my Kerry, says Brian.
Alas, there is nothing of this kind at all as the feistiest columnist in showbiz prefers to let the likes of The Streets have both her ample barrels.
In fact, only the most expert cryptologist could have detected that all was not well in McPuddingland.
Luckily, Anorak Towers is home to many such pensioned off experts, veterans many of them of the famous Bletchley Park.
And the clues are there if you know where to look.
For instance, in wishing good luck to Britney Spears on her latest trip up the aisle, the woman who says what she likes and likes what she says sounds a note of caution.
I have to say that if I was them I would have waited a little longer before walking down the aisle, says Kerry, a bride herself shortly after her 21st birthday.
Elsewhere, our top-heavy heroine complains that she doesnt get to see as much of her husband as she would like.
Its great that his single made it to No.1, she says, but Im a lot happier when me, Brian and the kids are all together.
And finally there is a clue to the fact that Kerry already has ideas of how to spend her predicted £10m divorce settlement.
I think if I had to splurge on something, she says, Id go mad and buy a huge house in Warrington so I could be near my mum and all my friends.
And a long way from her ex-husband.’
Picture Perfect
‘ANY guest who received the beautiful silver photo frame as a present for attending Britney Spears wedding and is still waiting for the right picture to put in it, wait no longer.
|
| Britney has a moment of deja vu |
This weeks edition of OK! has page after page of world exclusive pictures of the moment the princess of pop became the queen of Kevins heart.
(The same world exclusive pictures are incidentally also in this weeks People magazine.)
And you can choose from dozens of photos of Britney and her beau on the special day that Ive dreamed about since I was a little girl.
Or at least the most special day since she last got married.
Our favourites are the ones from the ceremony itself, a 15-minute affair under a floral-covered arch which we are told was very spiritual and deep.
Alas, the couple were too nervous to write their own vows, but we are told that they talked about being partners for life and becoming happier every day of their life together.
Which should make them very happy indeed when they finally split up some time in 2006.’
Fresh Steps
‘IT is almost three long years since Steps decided to split up and go their separate ways.
|
| Tragedy |
And although time has helped to heal our loss, we at Anorak happily admit that we have never quite got over the devastating news.
So, this weeks interview with Lee Latchford Evans is like having salt poured on still fresh wounds.
And its not just us whose wounds are fresh, judging by Lees memories of that moment on Boxing Day 2001.
I havent spoken to H in about two years, he says, which is a real shame because we were so close.
When we were in the band, I loved him as much as I loved the girls and, although its a shame to say it, I really dont care if I never see or speak to him again.
Luckily, however, Lee has moved on he has a 32-year-old girlfriend called Chrissy, a six-month old puppy called Dali and a beautiful home together.
But it is Lees new band The Latch that has really got us excited, particularly as Lee is doing a lot of the songwriting.
Give me a piece of paper and a couple of days and youll have a song written and produced for you, says Lee.
Maybe I have a big talent for that or maybe Im lucky because I work with the right people.
All together now, Tragedy, when the feelings gone and you cant go on, tragedy…’
Dos And Don’ts
‘FOR anyone who wants to look like Britney Spears on her supposed wedding day to Kevin Federline, the Enquirer publishes a guide to achieving the look.
|
| Pot to piss in ($4) |
After partaking of cigarettes, fatty foods and spot cream, the wannabe Britney can think about choosing their outfit.
To achieve the look, youll need a Swarovski Princess tiara ($345), a pair of silver Guess shoes ($78), an Agent Provocateur bra and panty set (£162 for both), an Etoile band ring ($35) and a pair of pearl drop earrings ($10).
Then all you need is a man to share your vision of cut-priced loveliness.
And if Britneys fears are founded on anything approaching fact, your groom might just well be called Kevin Federline.
You see, Britney is, apparently, convinced that trophy-hunting gals will want to bed her latest husband.
While he may be penniless and dependent on her for everything, says an insider, she still sees him as a babe magnet.
So to keep him on a short leash, Britneys had her lawyers draw up a pre-nuptial agreement before the happy couple exchanged cheap rings and said their Yeah, whatevers.
If or when – the couple split, Federline gets $300,000 a year for half the tenure of the marriage.
Besides his meagre wages for being a professional Mr Spears, Britney will not be called upon to provide for his two children, Kori and Kaleb.
If they receive any gifts – other than jewellery (see wedding rings) valued at $10,000 or more, lawyers will create a separate legal document saying who will own it if they split.
Kevin will also have zero entitlement to any part in the many Britney Spears companies.
And – get this both parties are prohibited from leaking disparaging information about each other, their relationship, their families, or business interests.
Instead, others will do the leaking, and mysterious unnamed sources (aka Kevin and Britney and their PR teams) will contribute to the numerous books that will be written about the failed marriage and how so much love went so wrong.’
Toxic Avenger
‘DID you know that Britney Spears Mrs Federline has a secret life?
|
| Reefer madness |
What? say you. Shes really a plain girl with badly dyed blonde hair, possessed of limited talent and appalling dress sense?
No, of course not, fool. That would be ridiculous.
The real secret life of Britney, according to the Enquirer and its sources, is that that the mega-talented pop babe has taken drugs.
An unnamed source from Britneys hometown of Kentwood, La., says that they have sold drugs to Britney.
Britney has done the drug Ecstasy and smokes marijuana. I know first hand! says the drug dealer, who has passed a polygraph test regarding his revelations.
And when Britney gets high, watch out.
She becomes this out-of-control little girl, says the source, who claims to have smoked dope with Britney and her former lover, Justin Timberlake.
Shell be swearing a blue streak, telling everyone to shut up and listen to her, throwing tantrums one minute and then laughing hysterically and carrying on like a mischievous little prankster the next.
It truly is frightening how much Britney changes when shes stoned.’
Les Miserables
‘HERES the burning question of the week for you to debate with your therapists: Why do the Olsen twins always look so miserable?
|
| The twins perked up when they heard Kevin and Britney may not last |
The obvious answer is that they are miserable.
A more complex explanation is that they are gifted actresses, both adopting a front that they hope will make them look interesting and deep.
There are a myriad answers to this hot puzzler. And we ask you out there to send in why you think MaryKate and Ashley Olsen worth a reputed $150 million each are looking so glum.
Is it because they are so thin that the energy needed to fire up a smile would cause them to pass out?
Could it be that they know something, their minds are troubled by a deep and hideous secret?
Or are they sad because Kevin Federline is no longer on the market?
After, all, what rich girl isnt..?’
To The Manor Wed
‘JUST by looking at the massive house, the immaculate gardens, the rock on her finger, you can feel the love Lisa B has for her millionaire husband Anton Bilton.
|
| B is for busy |
Anton is so much my soulmate, says Lisa B, nee Barbuscia, the Brooklynborn model turned signer turned actress.
Lisa has turned so many times, she might find herself wondering which way is up.
But her head is surely screwed on tight, as she tells Hello! that being a girl from a humdrum background now living in ostentatious splendour is not all fun.
You need a lot of staff to run a house like this, and Im a doer, says Lisa of her home at Tyringham Hall, Buckinghamshire.
Id sooner clear a table and wash the dishes myself, she adds. I find it tricky delegating.
But it is a skill that can be mastered. With the right blend of dedication, application and her famous work ethic, Lisa can train the butler, the housekeeper and two dailys to follow her lead.
Although Lisa has struggled to date. As Hello! asks: So your life isnt as glamorous as it seems?
No, says Lisa without a pause. Other than the wedding day, which I obviously enjoyed, Ive been working non-stop.
No matter what the size, maintaining a house is a chore the only difference with this house is its more of everything more tidying, more organising, more bills.
No wonder then we see in one picture that the bath is running and Lisa is nowhere to be seen.
After a long search around the sprawling mansion, Hello! catches up with Lisa, whos busy testing the linen on her bed.
Mine isnt a charmed life, she says, its a full life. What drives me isnt having a wealthy lifestyle, its that I love working and Ill never stop.
Not even to take a bath…’
Choc Horror
‘AFTER the showbiz wedding and the celebrity birth, next stop on the PR road is the star-studded christening.
|
| Jake Simpkin |
So off we go with Hello! for the religious awakening of Jake Simpkin, son of Mark Simpkin, presenter of the ITV property series I Want That House, and Tricia Penrose, an actress off TVs Heartbeat.
First, lets take a look at the invitation. Its a picture of little Jake aged one year with his mouth and body covered in chocolate.
Sod the choccy buttons… it says, these Ferrero Rocher make much more mess.
Clearly, the couple have a well-defined sense of humour. Its just a wonder the guests stopped laughing long enough to give the religious ceremony the gravitas it deserves.
But the congregation was full consummate professionals. Heartbeats David Lonsdale and Mark Jordan can stop laughing on cue just as easily as they can cry.
Tim Healey (Auf Wiedersehen Pet), Samia Ghadie (Coronation Street) and Sue Jenkins (ex-Brookside) all managed to get through the day without snoring, chuckling or once asking when the ambassador was coming and what time his party started.
They did smile, however, when Jake appeared dressed in a white shirt beneath a gold waistcoat and trousers – looking to all the world like one of the favourite chocolates.’
Sophia…So Orange
‘THE bride wore white, the groom wore grey and the mother-in-law wore orange.
|
| Also available in Robert Kilroy-Silk |
Yes, welcome to the wedding of the season, as Sophia Lorens son Carlo marries Andrea.
The caption beneath a shot of the happy mother-in-law and her sons true love says how the actress looks as radiant as ever.
And for once the paper is right. Indeed, we think this the first time the magazine has underplayed the truth.
It would be nothing less than honest to call Sophia glowing or even, as with dear Jessie Wallace, luminous.
But shes not alone. For between she and Andrea stands Giorgio Armani, a man who looks like he too has been sleeping beneath a grill.
To complete the picture, the bridesmaids more peach…’
A Growing Talent
‘THE questions on everybodys lips is: Who will be the next Kym Marsh?
|
| ‘I’ve got a head for hats and a body for day-time TV’ |
In the days of radio and music hall, youd be lucky if talent like Kyms came along once in a generation.
But that was before the advent of reality TV and nowadays we have stars coming at us like bugs hitting a speeding cars windscreen.
This week, its the waspish Michelle Basss turn to tell the world why she thinks she should be famous.
So much the better for her that she should enjoy her moment under the spotlight in a pair of Anoushka G shoes and a pair of earrings by Bassia Zarzycka.
What shes wearing in the middle – on her body – is a little less obvious, because its rude to stare and rather than dwell on the gain, as OK! puts it, we should look on as Michelle tries to work off the pounds.
For the task in hand, Michelle has taken on a personal trainer and says how shes up for the challenge.
My tummy, says Michelle, is something Im very keen to work on.
And you too can get to work with Michelle, as OK! instructs us all TO FIGHT THE FAT WITH MICHELLE.
To do this you need to complete a regime of exercise that involve various stages of stepping on machines that encourage you to run on the spot – to run hard to get nowhere.
This keep-fit programme could be a metaphor for Michelles celebrity career.
Indeed, it may be better if she were to turn off the machine and turn her attention to running to the nearest cake shop.
With Vanessa Feltz now less than gargantuan and Fern Britton threatening to explode live on This Morning, the time is surely ripe for the arrival of another big-boned star.
So all the hail the new Vanessa a big, big talent we can all enjoy…’
