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We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
A Growing Talent
‘THE questions on everybodys lips is: Who will be the next Kym Marsh?
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| ‘I’ve got a head for hats and a body for day-time TV’ |
In the days of radio and music hall, youd be lucky if talent like Kyms came along once in a generation.
But that was before the advent of reality TV and nowadays we have stars coming at us like bugs hitting a speeding cars windscreen.
This week, its the waspish Michelle Basss turn to tell the world why she thinks she should be famous.
So much the better for her that she should enjoy her moment under the spotlight in a pair of Anoushka G shoes and a pair of earrings by Bassia Zarzycka.
What shes wearing in the middle – on her body – is a little less obvious, because its rude to stare and rather than dwell on the gain, as OK! puts it, we should look on as Michelle tries to work off the pounds.
For the task in hand, Michelle has taken on a personal trainer and says how shes up for the challenge.
My tummy, says Michelle, is something Im very keen to work on.
And you too can get to work with Michelle, as OK! instructs us all TO FIGHT THE FAT WITH MICHELLE.
To do this you need to complete a regime of exercise that involve various stages of stepping on machines that encourage you to run on the spot – to run hard to get nowhere.
This keep-fit programme could be a metaphor for Michelles celebrity career.
Indeed, it may be better if she were to turn off the machine and turn her attention to running to the nearest cake shop.
With Vanessa Feltz now less than gargantuan and Fern Britton threatening to explode live on This Morning, the time is surely ripe for the arrival of another big-boned star.
So all the hail the new Vanessa a big, big talent we can all enjoy…’
A Roman Eye
‘HOW do you follow Michael Bass and Kym Marsh?
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| ‘Chris has a chest as big as Jordan’s’ |
You could try to give the punters their money back. Or book Bob Carolgees and Spit The Dog.
But only a fool and his money are parted and Spits not been heard of since he entered the murky world of the adult film business.
Which means that the only thing for it is to say On with the show and introduce the next act.
So here is Nadia Almada, or, rather, there she is, because the Big Brother winner is in Rome, checking out the shops and sidling up to Italian men.
Not that shes only after the Latin type, and will go for any man who can look after her and make her laugh.
As a rough guide for any wannabe lovers out there, Nadia likes Vin Diesel, who is blessed with big shoulders and big hands.
Which should provide a perfect for Nadia, who tells OK! how shed love to have a chest as big as Jordans.
And thinks David Beckham is great and hes very cute but hes happily married.
Well, that what might be what he told Nadia…’
Sick Willy
‘IN news that will surely come as a blow to Bill Clinton and a million and more political interns, the Enquirer says our man with the accommodating desk has had to give up sex.
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| ‘Don’t worry, Bill, I’ve not had it for ages either’ |
Having just undergone a quadruple heart bypass, the grim news is that Slick Willy has to pass over sex until hes better.
Dr Richard Stein, a spokesman for the American Heart Association, says: Even though we tell patients who have had a cardiac event…that it is safe to resume sex after four weeks, at least 50 per cent of them do not for a long time.
Normally, we would feel for the patient, and also for their wife or partner forced to endure a frustrating wait while their lover recuperates.
But this is Bill and Hillary Clinton, and, as the Enquirer says, the couple practically lead separate lives.
Chances are that Hillary wont even notice her husbands slackened libido. And if she does, it might only be because hes been having fewer conferences than usual with his female associates.
Indeed, an unnamed source tells the magazines: The Clintons marriage is a total sham… They dont sleep together. They hardly even live together.
Later, in a section called CELEB COUPLES WHOS SPLITTING AND WHOS NOT, readers hear some more shocking news on the state of the Clinton marriage.
This has been a marriage of political convenience for years, says a source. Its like they are already divorced.
But they are not. And will most likely remain together until death does them part.
Which could be about the same time Bill dares dip his big toe in the water again, so to speak…’
Word On The Street
‘MAGAZINES love coining new phrases, finding the word that encapsulates the spirit of an age or style.
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| Who’s the wanksta in the hat? |
Weve had Sloane Rangers, Brat Packs, Rat Packs and all manner of yuppies, newbies and wannabes.
Now the magazine asks its readers to take a look at David Beckham, the man who is hereby branded a WANKSTA.
Hey, Davis Beckham, wassup? asks the caption to a typical shot of our hero clad in American basketball vest, cropped jeans and flip-flops. Not those pants for much longer, comes the rather sarcastic answer.
If the glibness with which the Americans are treating our beloved family man was not enough, above the same shot hangs the legend: TOTAL WANKSTA.
Now, we should explain that America and Britain are allies divided by a common language, and what Britons may take to be a slight on Beckhams private activities means something different in the States.
For the American definition we are indebted to the great 50 Cent, the American rapper.
Wanksta (wangsta) a person who falsely assumes the characteristics, dress or mannerisms of a gansta syn. See Vanilla Ice.
Or see David Beckham, who is in fine company with Justin Timberlake, Aaron Carter and Nick Lachey.
Looking at the pictures of this streetwise posse, many Britons may find themselves uttering their own interpretation of the 50 Cent neologism.’
Chest Amazing
‘JUST what is THE SECRET OS JESSICA SIMPSONS BOOBS?
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| ‘And when they were only half way in…’ |
After hearing a couple of weeks back, via the Enquirer, that Dolly Partons breasts were trying to kill her, we hope Jessicas chest has not gone down the same road.
Once inside the magazine, were relieved to read that they have not, and Jessicas boobs have not been moving in for the kill, but migrating north.
Moments later, in an illustrative still, Jessicas boobs are down. Later on, in another picture, they are only half way up, neither up nor down.
Jessica is the Grand Old Duke of York of Hollywood stars – though we hasten to add she has not, to our knowledge, had 10,000 men and is happily married to that wanksta of no little repute, Nick Lachey.
As for Jessicas breasts, the secret is that they are raised and lowered by an ingenious cantilevered system known as the Cosobella bra.
But try not tell everyone. If you do, Jessicas breasts might just have to kill you…’
Rise And Shine
‘JESSIE Wallace looks luminous.
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| Put on your free pair of Anorak sunglasses now |
She does not look glorious, shining or even radiant, she looks luminous. She glows…in the dark.
But despite pictures that say otherwise, Hello! says the actresss skin is not orange. Its olive.
For the record, her hair is claret and her laugh is like pure chocolate liqueur.
Not chocolate liqueur with a hint of orange, but pure chocolate liqueur. Which is brown.
But its her luminescence that truly captures our imagination, and we wonder if, like Jessie, her baby that is two months from being born will be luminous?
If it is, the nursery room shes decorated and redecorated time and time again will need no nightlight.
Indeed, it wont need any kind of light at all, just black out blinds on the converted attic room’s windows, a safety device lest aircraft try to touch down in little Satsumas cot.
But enough of this orange fantasy. There is a baby on the way. And Jessies boyfriend Dave Morgan had best remember it.
Every morning since we got back together, says Jessie. I wake up Dave and remind him, Hey! We are going to be Mum and Dad.
If that were not loving enough, Jessie also likes to talk about her weight. She already weighs 12 stone.
Once or twice I caught myself wandering, Whats this in my lap? and then realised its me! explains Jessie.
But whats the lump going to be called? Rumours abound that Elvis is a favourite name.
As much as I love Elvis, whos tattooed on my thigh, says Jessie I wouldnt do that to my child.
Hold the obituary page! Elvis is tattooed on Jessie Wallaces thigh!
Given his girth at the time of his last public sighting we wonder if Jessie is pregnant at all and the lump is not the rock n roller trying to escape.
If he does get out of Jessies Comfi-Slax maternity trousers, his fans should not expect him to be the man he was. Elvis is bound to be thinner.
And most likely blind well, hes been held prisoner in a luminous place for quite some time…’
Ding Dong
‘IN the face of much evidence to the contrary, not all EastEnders actors leave the show to have bay-bees.
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| Making up is hard to do |
Some quit the soap opera because they cant act. Others leave because their character has been killed in a freakish accident. And there are those who leave to go on to bigger and better things.
One of the latter group is Tamzin Outhwaite, who since leaving the faltering soap has been rarely out of work.
But, luckily for us, she took time out from her hectic schedule to talk about what its like being the new face of Avon Colour.
Like most of you, we struggle to think of the old face of Avon Colour. But, we concede, this might have less to do with our ignorance and more to do with Outhwaite, whose talent obliterates all that has gone before.
Taking a break from filming an advert of Avons new My Lip Miracle lipstick shot in the same studio where Sex And The city was filmed Tamzin spills the beans.
I feel very honoured and flattered that Im stepping into the shoes of the Ding Dong lady. That ad had a brilliant effect on an awful lot of people.
How very true. And not least for Tamzins mum who used to host Avon parties at her house. Back then, Young Tamzin would get the drinks and try out the products.
Now, as the face of Avon Colour, I am trying on something different everyday…Im like a kid in a sweet shop.
Only with lipstick on. And no visible spots.’
The Night Owl
‘IN case the charming and enlightened Princess Michael of Kent is worried about her son, Hello! has kindly been monitoring his every movement.
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| He’s got his mother’s smile |
The good news is that hes not gone and done something stupid like take cocaine or join the Nazi party, but just popped along to the launch of Made In Italy at Harrods.
For the many of you out there who worry about what the young peer is getting up to, Lord Frederick Windsor is wearing a black jacket over a white T-shirt.
Hes also smiling. And his makes us worry. We fear the worst. And so does Hello!, which sticks to its task and follows Freddie to the Goldsmiths party.
For the back tie fundraising dinner, Freddie wears a black tie.
And we say good on him for understanding the instructions on the invitation and then following them to the letter.
Indeed, he went further and also wore a black suit jacket and black trousers, both complimenting his black bowtie.
We also note that the syrupy smile of his earlier outing has now faded. And for that we are grateful.
We hope we never see it again…’
Jack Off
‘NO-ONE deserves a holiday quite as much as former Hear’Say singer Kym Marsh and her husband, former EastEnders actor Jack Ryder.
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| Busy, busy, busy… |
And so we are glad to see the hardest-working couple in showbiz taking a bit of time out to enjoy the sun in a luxury villa in Cyprus.
Jack has been flat-out all the summer, trying to arrange his CDs in alphabetical order while repainting the living room of the house he shares with Kym.
Kym has been even busier, painting her finger-nails, washing Jack’s soiled undergarments and leafing through the situations vacant section of Failed Popstar magazine.
How she managed to find time to have her hair cut with all that on her plate we do not know.
One upside of all this activity, however, is that it has done wonders for Kym’s figure.
OK! says she gave both Jack and fellow holidaymakers ‘something to gawp at as she slinked around the pool’ in a pink bikini.
It is little wonder, therefore, that Jack kept Kym close by ‘for frequent kisses and cuddles’ in what OK! says is a clear sign their marriage is back on track.
However, no sooner will they have left Cyprus but their sunburnt noses will be right back on showbiz’s grindstone.
The word is that Kym and Jack are to appear alongside Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne and TV designers Colin McAllister and Justin Ryan in a special couples edition of The Weakest Link in November.
How on earth is Jack going to find time to do that and post that letter he’s been meaning to take down to the Post Office for the past three months?’
Letters Of Love
‘IF David Beckham’s text message conversations with Rebecca Loos reveal the literary heart beating inside a footballer’s chest, then what about his Real Madrid teammate Jonathan Woodgate?
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| ‘Wicked!’ |
Girlfriend Kate Lawler, winner of Big Brother 3, reveals in this week’s OK! that the couple prefer more traditional means of communication.
‘We write love letters to each other,’ she revealed, when asked how the couple stay in touch now that Jonathan has moved to Spain.
An innocent enough remark, but words that prompted an undignified scramble among London publishers desperate to get their hands on what one described as ’24-carat literary gold’.
We are happy to report, however, that such is his regard for the couple that Old Mr Anorak even reached for his cheque book and has secured the exclusive rights to what is described (by us) as the most fascinating series of letters since Jordan’s early missives to Peter Andre.
Kate & Jonathan: Letters Of Love (£13.99) will be published by Anorak Books in time for the Christmas market, but for those who can’t wait that long here’s a taster.
‘Dear Jon, I think you’re well wicked…”
A Picture Of Happiness
‘DAVID Beckham’s text relationship with Rebecca Loos may have marked the England football captain out as a latter-day Lord Byron or a tattooed Shelley.
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| ‘Behave yourself, Paella, and smile for the camera’ |
But it is to his wife Victoria that he addresses his rhyming couplets these days.
OK! says ‘the world’s most famous couple’ are back on track after David’s dalliance with his PA and dismisses any suggestion that there is trouble in paradise as ‘preposterous’.
How does it know? Well, OK! has got its hands on a series of intimate portraits of the couple as they prepare to welcome their third child into the world.
And it is clear by the boots that Victoria is wearing and the watch David is sporting that the couple are as close as they ever were.
‘Looking at these incredibly intimate photographs,’ it says, ‘it’s ridiculous even to think that the Beckhams’ marriage is in need of a patch-up job.
‘The gazes are deep and the touches are tender. The body language is that of a couple who, after five years of marriage, are still madly in love.’
If the pictures were not enough, however, OK! brings in no less an expert than GMTV host Lorraine Kelly to pronounce on the state of the marriage.
‘She [Victoria] must put all career plans and lucrative contracts on hold,’ says the canny Scot.
‘That will prove wrong anyone who says it’s a Band Aid baby, used to stick the marriage together.’
And spare the world any more of her singing…’
Room At The Top
‘HAS Paris Hilton had sex in every one of the rooms in the hotels that carry her family name?
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| A head for home video and a body for clothes |
Has she drained the contents of the Presidential suites mini-bar then refilled the miniatures with water and replaced them in the little fridge?
Is her wardrobe jam-packed with any number of dressing gowns, bath robes and those little shower caps?
We had hoped to find the answer to these puzzlers and more when we opened the Enquirer and read extracts from Confessions of an Heiress – A Tongue-in Chic Peek behind the Pose.
Instead we get told: There is no sin worse in life than being boring.
You can murder, extort, rape and mutilate with impunity, so long as you do so with style.
If you ever find yourself staying in of an evening and going to bed early, then in Pariss eyes you are on a one-way ride to Hell.
But how do you avoid being boring? Its such an easy thing to slip into. One day youre interesting, a blonde curiosity, the next moment youre Anthea Turner.
Helpfully, the Enquirer has taken a few pointers from Pariss book and now relays them to us dullards.
1. If youre happy, wear pink. Says Paris: Pink reminds me of Barbie, who is one of my fashion icons. And pinks so girlie.
2. Always be more important than your clothes.
3. Showing roots in your hair is something an heiress should never do.
4. Dont eat caviar all the time because its just what people expect.
5. Never, ever wake up before 10; never go to bed before 3. Normal hours are for normal people.
6. When being filmed giving head, wear red lipstick and tie your hair in a bun with a ribbon from the Gucci BJ NoWay Range.
One of items on that list is clearly untrue. But if you want to be an heiress, you have to learn the hard way and be prepared to makes a few mistakes.
So, good luck with that caviar sandwich…’
Non-Toxic Avenger
‘JENNIFER Aniston is avoiding anything that may interfere with the conception of a healthy child.
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| ‘I’ll be up a minute, honey’ |
And dont doubt that its dramatic stuff as we read in the Enquirer how shes quit smoking and has cleansed her body of toxins.
When Jennifer has skin treatments, she now makes it absolutely clear to the woman in the plastic gloves that shell not have anything chemical or non-organic used on her.
Shes drinking herbal tea mixtures to boost her immune system and getting plenty of sleep.
Shes also given up any hope of becoming a top film star and being remembered for anything more than being Rachel from Friends.
And for having really, really, shiny, organic hair…’
Arnie’s Army
‘AS anyone in California knows, all Austrians are barely moving hulking masses of monosyllabic muscle. Including the men.
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| ‘To be or not to be’ |
The typical Austrians grasp on English is, at best, tenuous – Ill be back; Don’t be economic girlie men’; and Var! Vot Var? and, at worst, a series of semi-human grunts and yodelling.
So when Roland Kickinger arrived in Hollywood from downtown Austria, the locals knew exactly what to expert.
And they got just what it said on the tank he came in 265lbs of pinky-white muscle.
And since one Austrian is pretty much interchangeable with another, Kickinger has landed himself a job being Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Mark II is set to play Arnold Mark I in a made-for-TV movie called See Arnold Run.
But dont worry if you miss him because with autumn upon us, you can recreate you own glove puppet Austrian by painting a face on a pair of pink tights and stuffing it full of conkers…’
Down To A T
‘BRITNEY Spears likes to keep us up to date with whats going on in her complicated love life via a series of slogans on her T-shirts.
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| Let the train take the strain |
A couple of weeks ago, she was spotted out and about with the legend Mrs Federline emblazoned across her chest.
A bit premature, we noted at the time, but a sensible precaution perhaps given her penchant for rounding off a night on the ale with a trip up the aisle.
This week, we catch up with Britney again (via the pages of Hello!) with a new shirt and a new message – He loves me.
This being America, we would ordinarily assume that the he in question was God, who seems to favour our Yankee cousins over all his other creations.
But in Britneys case, we suspect that the he is husband-to-be Kevin Federline, whose two-year-old daughter Kori she had taken along on her shopping trip.
This got us thinking and, as an early wedding present, we have taken the trouble to send Britney a few T-shirts from the Anorak store.
So, expect to see the pop princess out in the next few weeks with shirts bearing slogans like Im Pissed Marry Me!, Hes only after me for my cash and Mrs Whoever…’
Sofia, So Good
‘HAS screen legend Sofia Loren joined the UK Independence Party?
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| ‘I feela Fanta-astica’ |
We only ask because the 70-year-old Italian actress has taken on the uniquely orange hue of that partys champion, Robert Kilroy-Silk.
Perhaps, she is an early beneficiary of Kilroys mission to create a Europe in his own image. Maybe, she frequents the same tanning salon as the Arab-hating former talk-show host.
Or it could be that Sofia is orange on her own accord.
The woman herself is not saying.
When asked by Hello! for the secret of her enduring beauty, Loren replies: There is a secret…and Im not telling, because then it wouldnt be a secret anymore, would it?
In fact, only three people in the world know the beauty secret of a woman often voted the most beautiful woman of the 20th Century Sofia herself, a plasterer from Leytonstone and us here at Anorak.
And were not saying either preferring to file away this bit of information in our drawer marked Top Secret.
Along with the recipe for Coca-Cola, the whereabouts of Lord Lucan and the Colonels recipe of 11 different herbs and spices…’
Cutting A Dash
‘SOLDIER, actor, director, freeloader – Prince Edward is nothing if not versatile.
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| The Errol Flynn of freeloading |
And this week he showed that he can cut a ribbon in any language, as he and wife Sophie were called upon to open Europes largest factory outlet in Portugal.
Hello! reports that a large crowd turned up at the British-owned centre in Lisbon to see no less a couple than the Wessexes do the honours.
The fact that we can only see four people in Hello!s picture, we attribute to the fact that the crowd were standing behind the cameraman to get a better view of Eddies ribbon-cutting technique.
As befits a man of a dramatic bent, we are happy to report that the ribbon in question was cut with due theatrical flourish.
One member of the crowd was heard to mutter that it was a shame that there was no-one in Portugal who could wield a pair of scissors with such gusto.
And another said: Youve got to give it to the English – they might not be able to kick a football straight, but they sure know how to open a shopping centre.
Such ribbon-cutting prowess, however, comes at a price and, after the ceremony, a drained Prince Edward headed for the Algarve and a well-deserved rest.’
Ann Of Cleavage
‘BEING the face of Ann Summers means that Nancy Sorrell is only recognisable from the cleavage down.
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| When did you realise you wanted to be famous? |
The catalogue model for vibrators, knickers shaped like spiders webs and peek-a-boo bras has a face that even her agent can only recognise with the aid of a few well-placed sex aids.
In this weeks OK!, the only love tool in the blondes proximity is her husband, Vic Reeves.
Hes also got a tool in his hand, as he strides around the garden trimming trees and bushes and generally giving Sean Beans Lady Chatterleys lover a run for his money in a fetching tweed ensemble.
Its an outfit he keeps on over the course of the photographic montage, while his wife changes into six different creations.
Eschewing the PVC French maid outfit with electric rotating duster in favour of a cloth dress by Wheel & Doll Baby, Nancy settles in to tell us what its like living with such a funny man.
Married life is good, says Nancys chest. Were really enjoying it…its nice to be husband and wife.
And how was it to return to the scene of your marriage one year after the event? (This question addressed to Nancys right nipple).
It was nice to do that, explains Nancy, it was nice to go back.
And now – to Nancys left thigh – what do you have to say to those people who thought your marriage wouldnt last?
Its nice to have proved them wrong, to be honest, says Nancy.
And what of being an old married couple, asks OK! of Nancys left buttock. Whats that like?
If we watch TV, Ill get under a blanket on the sofa and Jim will sit on the armchair. We usually have camomile tea before we go to bed to help us sleep.
But before we ask if the said tea is stirred by a Rampant Rabbit or the Pulsatron, we find that all Nancys niceness has gotten us and OK! a bit tired.
Our eyes are dropping…all the way to Nancys breasts.’
Do, Ray & Me
‘RATHER than numbering thousands of cards in order and recalling pi to one million digits, the true test of mental agility is recalling the names of Big Brother contestants past.
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| ‘No. Sorry. Can I have another clue?’ |
So we invited Mr Memory into Anorak Towers, tied him to a chair, blindfolded him, bent our lips to his ear and said: Tania Do Nascimento.
Puzzled, he said: Bless you. Tania Do Nascimento, we said once more. This time he remained impassive. For the next ten hours he sat without moving or speaking.
He then, through dry and cracked lips, asked for a clue. And, happy to help, we began to read from OK!s interview with the former Big Brother 4 contestant.
We hear that she presents a show on Sky One called The Vault and that shes pregnant and has just had her three-month scan.
She feels fine. She did feel nauseous at first, but then she felt better. And then she craved some Diet Coke with ice and lemon.
Ive always drunk Diet Coke anyway, says Tania, but Id never been fussed about ice and lemon before now its like I need it.
We glance at Mr Memory. He goes to speak. We wait. But then nothing comes. We read on.
I think Im going to go for a water birth, says Tania, who still speaks with Ray, Gos and Sissy, all Big Brother veterans.
Shes also met Kate Lawler and knows Spencer and Nick Bateman because they all share the same agent.
Now we pause and glance at Mr Memory. His lips have gone limp. His head is lolled backwards. Hes trying to speak.
Help me, he whispers. Make it stop. Ill tell you whatever you want to know.
Well, heres the question, and it has not changed: Who is Tania Do Nascimento?
And with that he begins to cry…’
That’s Richie
‘A FEW words now from Nicole Richie, the blonde star of American reality TV and singer Lionel Richies daughter.
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| The cliff’s that way |
Shes all set to star in The Simple Life 2, a programme in which she and Paris Hilton embark on a modern day Thelma & Louise adventure.
Lets hope they have better luck than that fictional pair and dont end up driving off a cliff.
But before Nicole plunges towards oblivion, she needs to tell us about the non-porn film shes making, her line of perfume and the book shes writing.
In the tome, shell tell all about her battle with drugs and how shes glad she did some things, unhappy that she did some other things and not sure if some other things that she hasnt done would be right or wrong for her.
A lot of time, she says, celebrities or people who have any sort of influence are scared of their own humility and wont put their egos down and say: Well, I made mistakes.
Which is certainly what many will say after theyve bought Nicoles book…’
A Pain In The Neck
‘BRITNEY Spears has been hunting for a new look.
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| Britney wouldn’t believe those who said Kevin was a snake in the grass |
She’s done the virgin. She’s played the schoolgirl. She’s acted naughty. She’s been to church. She’s even tried singing.
But now it looks like she found a style she feels truly comfortable with – she’s taken to wearing an angry, red welt on her neck.
It was a present from her boyfriend Kevin Federline, who gave it to her in a gesture of how much he really cares.
‘She’s really proud of her hickey,’ says an eyewitness. ‘She was on her way to the grocery store and said, ‘have a look at my neck’ as she walked in with Kevin.”
So we did. And now we – like you – want one.
But we’ll all have to wait because the official Brit-Hick doesn’t come out in this country until Christmas, by which time Britney will most likely have moved onto something else.
Like a cold sore, perhaps, or genital warts…’
Bodies Of Evidence
‘IN keeping with the holiday season, this column is coming to you from a poolside sofa somewhere in the Hamptons.
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| The face that launched a thousand zits |
And it seems most of the Enquirer’s staff are here too, leaving behind a skeleton crew to fill in the blanks with a huge section called ‘HOLLYWOOD BODY PARTS’.
Such is the love of cosmetic surgery in the Hollywood hills – where noses, stomachs and breasts are discarded like old husbands and wives – that you half expect the section to come with a complimentary Michael Jackson nose or Pamela Anderson breast.
But those special offers for another time, and now what we do get is hope and the comforting knowledge that behind every well-lit camera angle and beneath every inch-thick layer of make-up festers a pock-marked complexion and more lines than a Blue Peter reunion.
Working from the top down, the Enquirer’s summer staff first take a look at the celebrity face, so affording another chance to see Cameron Diaz’s spots.
So many times have we now seen the zit-riddled face of Hollywood’s highest-paid actress that we have taken to calling each of her blemishes by name.
Hell, Larry’s even got his own agent.
After that, it’s ‘Schnozzolas!’, a section overshadowed by Sophia Loren’s hooter, which actually seems to follow you around the room.
And cue pictures of Barry Manilow, Gerard Depardieu, Joan Cusak and, naturally, Michael Jackson.
Then foreheads, and the news that while Christina Ricci stopped growing at five foot three, without her forehead she is no more than two-feet tall – in her heels!
Then comes a montage of the changing shape of Pamela Anderson, whose chest has gone up more times than a Viagra salesman in a lift and down more times than a White House intern.
And so on it’s goes, through lips, legs, single shins, double chins, hair, wigs, teeth (in which even our dear Prince Charles features), legs, ears, buttocks and moles.
We see Mark Wahlberg’s third nipple, Angelina Jolie’s veiny forehead, Denzel Washington’s demented little finger and ‘the many faces of Mickey Rooney’ (all horrible).
And just when you thought there couldn’t be any more, here come Matt Le Blanc’s fulsome breasts.
All five of them…’
Pin Head
‘NO conversation on cosmetic surgery is complete without a look at what’s left of the woman called Cher.
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| ‘If I could turn back time…’ |
And the hot news is that she’s had enough of going under the knife. No, she’s not instead reaching for the spoon, fork or even the chopstick, but has taken to the needle.
The story goes that Cher’s face is wrinkle free, not thanks to Botox, face-lifts or a bow of loose skin tied behind her head but because a medic has been sticking pins into it.
According to Mark Bego, author of such books as Cher!, Cher: If You Believe and Cher And Cher Alike, acupuncture ‘helps to relax the muscles in the face’.
As a result, says he, ‘the skin looks fresher and firmer’.
We’ll have to take his word for it because, as we’ve reported on these pages before, Cher has taken to wearing a mask.
The hydrating facial mask is white and keeps Cher’s face protected from the destructive sun.
You can buy this product from our online shop here at Anorak. Or you can achieve a similar sensation by sticking pins in your eyes.’
Holmes Improvement
‘WHEN Hello! tells us on its front page that it’s got Kelly Holmes ‘as you’ve never seen her before’, we begin to think.
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| From Marc Jacobs’ lycra collection |
Since we’ve only ever seen Kelly in a pair of Lycra shorts and a numbered boob tube, we begin to imagine how the magazine has pictured our golden girl.
We’ve never seen Kelly in a bucket of water with a kangaroo on her head, being burnt at the stake or being dangled from a helicopter over a pair of snapping crocodile jaws.
And this makes us fear for Kelly and worry what Hello! has done to our Olympic hero.
But what with this being Hello!, when we do arrive at the promised pictorial sensation we see our Kelly in a…dress.
And then after that first silver sequinned number with a slit to the thigh, we see her in another dress, this time a yellow effort also with a slit up to her thigh.
And then there’s Kelly in another dress – this one’s a truly hideous concoction of coloured lace, silver beads, sequins and slit to the thigh.
And that’s all before she’s put in a shiny pink creation with a few frills riding up the now ubiquitous slit to the thigh.
After that it’s into a black velvety dress (with thigh-high slit) and a red dress, which although we only see the top, we imagine to be slit to the thigh.
And then Hello! asks Holmes a question that invites only one answer: ‘What will you treasure most from this success in years to come?’
Kelly mumbles something about a dream and having no regrets, but the real treasure is the vast collection of dresses she now owns – all out of character and all slit to the thigh.’
Norway Out
‘WHAT’S the point in going to Norway, we ask? And, quick as a flash, the comic genius within you says there isn’t one. Norway…nul points.
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| I’m A Norwegian…Get Me Out Of Here! |
But you’d be wrong to dismiss the land that pop music forgot because, if you’re down Norway way, you might just catch a glimpse of Prince Haakon and Princess Mette-Marit chilling out in their country pile in downtown Skaugum.
Now, we must confess that, having never been to Norway, let alone the regal retreat, we were forced to look up the idyll’s location on a map.
And working with callipers and charts, we can say with no little authority that, yes, it is in the dead centre of nowhere.
And that’s how the princess and his wife, her seven-year-old son Marius and their baby daughter Princess Ingrid like it.
‘This place is so secluded,’ says she, ‘that it makes you feel at peace. It’s much quieter here than in town.’
‘It’s a fantastic place,’ chips in Haakon, ‘and we’re thankful for every day we live her.’
And indeed it does look a pleasant enough spot when viewed from the warm comfort of your quilted toilet seat, or wherever it is that Hello! readers perch to view the other half from.
Indoors, there are the colourless wall hangings and the hard wooden floors.
And outdoors, there’s the nearby fjord and the steep hills covered in scree and rocks.
And then it’s time to go. But not before Haakan has made one last desperate bid to get Hello!’s scribe to linger a while longer.
‘We who live in Norway are very privileged compared to other people,’ says he with a knowing look in his eye.
But while the Finnish may well look on with unbridled envy at the fast-paced life, Hello! knows that, however great the view and pale the sky, the world at large is somewhere else.
And just as soon as the flares are lit and a rescue plane flies overhead, it’ll return to it…’
