Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Never Say Di
‘PERHAPS somewhere in Norway a blonde woman with a Harvey Nichols charge card is staring out of a frosted window, tilting her head to one side and letting out a soft mew.
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| Oslo, July 17 2004 |
It’s the kind of story that so many Di lovers are willing to believe – that she is still alive and didn’t perish in the most mundane way imaginable.
But she is dead – although only in a physical sense.
And seven years after Elton John’s last big hit (and, some say, the Queen’s too), Di is back to tell all through her good and close pal, Lucia Felcha Di Lima.
‘It’s still very difficult for me to talk about Diana,’ says the wife of the former Brazilian ambassador to Britain.
But she struggles on through the pain and, over a densely packed three pages of copy, tells the world what she knows.
Know that Di used to keep a bedroom at Di Lima’s house. Hear that Di’s mum’s leaving her when she was a child ‘created huge issues’.
Realise too that Paul Burrell was Diana’s ‘butler, not her friend’.
And understand that, although locked together in death, Di was not engaged or pregnant by Dodi Fayed.
‘He was gentle and kind, but it had no long-term future,’ says Di Lima.
And how will Di Lima remember Diana? ‘As a very special woman,’ says she. ‘As a woman ahead of her time,’ she goes on. ‘As a brave kind woman who really cared,’ she coos.
‘Diana was very like me,’ she concludes. Only taller and blonder – like a Norwegian…’
When Doves Cry
‘WE always cry at weddings…and all of us here at Anorak Towers had tears of laughter streaming down our cheeks on Lisa Scott Lee and Johnny Shentall’s big day.
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| The Shentall-Lees |
Unaccountably, we were left off the guest list for the ‘fairy-tale’ ceremony that united a couple who ‘have long been faces on the British pop scene’.
However, thanks to OK!’s ‘world exclusive’ coverage of the ‘traditional day with a modern twist’, we can bring you all the news of what’s been dubbed (by OK!) ‘the wedding of the year’.
And we are happy to report that the nuptials will go down as the benchmark by which every future C-list marriage will be judged.
Not a cliché was left unturned from the moment the bride (in meringue by Elizabeth Todd) walked up the aisle to Wagner’s Bridal March to be joined in wedded bliss to the groom (in white tie by Moss Bros).
‘As she reached the top of the aisle,’ OK! reports, ‘her eyes locked with Johnny’s and both of them fought back the tears – it was obvious it would be an emotional service.’
And indeed it was – the bride and groom both struggled to compose themselves before, after a few deep breaths, ‘they were able to say the vows they so obviously mean to keep’.
And the whole congregation were openly weeping when Lisa’s brother, Pop Idol loser, Andy Scott-Lee took to the pulpit to sing an a cappella version of Amazing Grace.
But it was the horse-drawn lilac carriage that ferried the happy couple to the reception at Great Fosters that was what really set us at Anorak off.
And the tears soon started streaming down our faces when we saw the Shentall-Lees (as they will now be known) release two white doves ‘to symbolise their love for each other’.
‘With a flurry,’ reports OK!, ‘the doves soared through the sky and everyone took a moment to enjoy the occasion.’
And then, like Lisa and Johnny, the birds were never seen or heard of again…’
Lies And Damned Lies
‘THERE are lies, damned lies and OK! front covers – and this week’s edition of the C-Lister’s Bible is at its mendacious best.
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| Is it a boy? Is it a girl? |
‘Victoria Beckham – Pregnancy Exclusive,’ shouts the headline beside a picture of what appears to be a collagen-enhanced former Spice Girl. ‘My Spanish baby.’
And, if the word ‘exclusive’ means a rehash of a story that was in all the papers a good week ago, then OK! really does have a scoop on its hands.
Not only, however, has the magazine got the news that a new Beckham is growing in Victoria’s Maria Grachvogel-designed womb marginally ahead of The Woodworker Monthly, but it has stolen a march on its rivals with the sex of the child.
It appears that the baby will either be another boy or it will be ‘the daughter that David has admitted he longs for’.
Or it will be a mixture of the two, and be seen in public wearing an Alice band in its hair, a sarong around its waist and a pair of Victoria’s knickers on its head…’
Into The Light
‘IT hasn’t taken Michelle Bass and Stuart Wilson long to rise from well-deserved anonymity to superstar status.
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| In her mother’s shadow |
In OK!’s montage of ‘snogging superstars’ this week, Big Brother’s Romeo and Juliet are sandwiched between such stellar couples as Justin and Cameron and Peter and Jordan.
Thankfully, however, there is no place among the Kians and Jodis and the Jamies and Louises for Michelle and Stuart’s fellow Big Brother housemate Kitten Pinder and her girlfriend Lianda (or Liander, as OK! spells it).
Anarchist she may be (or at least she would be if she even knew what one was), but Kitten still shares the same dreams as the likes of Lisa Scott-Lee – an OK! wedding.
As no doubt does Allegra Feltz, eldest daughter of the great Vanessa, who also makes her debut in this week’s magazine.
OK! reports that the stylish teen has up to now seen fame rather like doughnuts – something that should all be enjoyed by her mother.
But now she is 18, she’s decided that it’s high time to face the nation and to ‘step out of her mother’s shadow’.
Which is no mean feat at the best of times…and quite impossible in late afternoon.’
A Glass Act
‘DOCTOR Lillian Glass is the American equivalent of Raj Persaud – a woman for whom the human mind is an open book.
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| ‘I know what you’re thinking…’ |
Only a couple of weeks ago, the National Enquirer’s pet shrink was a sex expert, warning the magazine’s readers that Britney Spears was almost certainly a sex addict.
This week, she is introduced to us as a ‘world-renowned body language expert’ and the news for Britney is not much better.
The talented Dr Glass has studied a series of photos by the Enquirer which showed the pop tart playing stepmom to fiancé Kevin Federline’s two-year-old daughter Kori.
And her shocking verdict is that the happy family snap is ‘phoney through and through’.
‘Britney’s shoulders are hunched over as the father puts on the daughter’s shoes,’ says Beverly Hill’s busiest psychologist and author of the book, I Know What You’re Thinking.
‘Britney’s hands are clasped as if she’s trying to hold on to herself. She is clearly insecure in this relationship.’
The magazine’s favourite quack – the self-styled ‘first lady of communication’ – continues, suggesting that Britney is just using Kori as a prop.
‘Britney totally ignores her,’ she says, ‘and does this open-mouthed expression again. She missed the opportunity to connect because she’s so wrapped up in herself.
‘You’ll notice that she makes no move towards the child. There’s no tender hug, no protective arm. It’s all about Britney.’
However, in her haste to damn Britney, Dr Glass fails to notice an obvious reason for the singer keeping her distance from young Kori – and that is the toddler is a complete minger.
A mother’s love may be blind, but a prospective stepmum’s sadly isn’t – and Britney is only too aware that Federline Jnr was at the back of the line when good looks were being handed out.
Well, almost at the back. There’s always James Farrell…’
Top Bottom
‘DOCTOR Jon Turk is one of the world’s top plastic surgeons – an expert on liposculpture (the removal of unsightly flab and putting sexy curves where none existed).
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| The bum that launches a thousand, er, ships |
And when he speaks (through his collagen-enhanced lips), we pin back our ears (literally) and listen.
So, when Dr Turk declares in this week’s National Enquirer that Beyonce Knowles has ‘the best butt in the world’, we can but nod our (recently repaved) heads and concur.
‘Women would kill to have a gluteus maximus like Beyonce,’ says the New York-based silicone wizard.
‘Just by looking at her in the photos, I can tell that it’s real – just as nature intended it.’
A recent poll of FHM readers, who like to think they are experts in such matters, put both Carmen Electra and Kylie Minogue ahead of Beyonce in the arse stakes.
But Dr Turk says that Jennifer Lopez has the only bum that comes close, and 23-year-old Beyonce has her beat.
‘It’s always a toss-up between too big and too small,’ says our anatomical landscape gardener. ‘What Beyonce has is one in a million – just right.’
An arse in a million, if ever we heard – er, we mean saw – one…’
Live And Let Diet
‘IF you are not lucky enough to have been born with a one-in-a-million posterior like Beyonce and can’t afford the remodelling services of Dr Jon Turk, what to do?
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| Vanessa Feltz was delighted with the results from the Equiba tablets |
May we humbly suggest that you try one of the many wonder fat cures on display in the pages of the National Enquirer, THE magazine for the bigger of bone?
For just £19.90, you could be the proud owner of four Equiba tablets – Italy’s weight-loss miracle – which in just 20 days will rid you of 24 pounds.
Perhaps, you would prefer the slightly more expensive Hollywood Diet miracle, which (according to Dr Richard Lipman) is ‘the most efficient way to fight obesity that has ever been developed’.
Or maybe we could recommend the NEW genuine double-action body fat eliminator Metasys, as used by supermodel and actress Caprice.
Alternatively, Anorak’s resident weight loss expert, Dr A Quack MD of Taco Bell University, would for a large fee be happy to recommend his revolutionary slimming system.
Eat less and exercise more…’
Di From The Block
‘SEVEN years after untimely death, Princess Diana can finally rest in peace, knowing that she will be remembered forever in a temperamental piece of concrete guttering in Londons Hyde Park.
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| ‘I’ll be proper gutted when I croak’ |
Time (and some inconvenient leaves) may have dried our tears, but the Queen Of Hearts lives on in our memories…and in the pages of Hello!
To mark the anniversary of her passing to a world where Chris de Burgh plays on an eternal loop and Harvey Nichols never shuts, the magazine publishes an exclusive extract from a new book about her life Diana: The Portrait.
Shame on you who say that there is nothing more to know about the woman who brought such joy into the hearts of so many magazine editors!
This is the definitive book about her life, the memories of those who really knew her (and not a cheap attempt to cash in on the seemingly inexhaustible market for Dianabilia).
And so it is we learn that her childhood was far closer to the ordinary citizens of England than her social background might first appear to suggest.
True, she lived in a large house, she was brought up by a nanny and she was surrounded by lots of servants but who isnt these days?
And besides, Diana had to cope with the divorce of her parents, academic underachievement and illness experiences, the book says, that put her in touch with many of those less privileged members of society.
Go to any council estate in the country, talk to the yoof in the inner cities and the same questions keep coming up.
Shall I live in Mummys estancia in Argentina or with Daddy in the family estate at Althorp? Shall I marry Prince Charles or Prince Andrew?
Which will be more useful an O-level in Baking or in Flower Arranging?
And there to answer those questions for us are people with names like Anthony Duckworth Chad, who married Dianas cousin Elizabeth Wake-Walker.
Or Tony The Chad and Lizzie Walker, as theyre known in less polite circles…’
Hiding To Nothing
‘SAVE a stoat, club a supermodel to death today!
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| Anorak’s famous Supermodel Skin bags on sale now! |
Time has clearly moved on since the days when fashion and ethics coincided and Cindy, Naomi, Claudia, Elle, Kate et al stripped off to tell us that theyd rather go naked than wear fur.
Fur suddenly became chic again and, in a choice between fashion and principles, there was clearly only going to be one winner.
But Cindy Crawford has now taken matters further than just being seen out in a fur coat, she has just signed up to promote mink giant Blackglama.
Hello! says the 38-year-old follows in the footsteps of Bette Davis, Rita Hayworth and Gisele Bundchen in working for the company.
But in terms of rank hypocrisy, she stands alone…’
Forbidden Fruit
‘WHY did Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin call their daughter Apple?
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| An Apple today keeps the madness at bay |
Was it an homage to the manufacturers of the i-Pod? Was it perhaps a family name?
Or was it just because celebrities cant help advertising how ridiculous they are by giving their children daft names?
It was none of the above, as Hello! listens in on Gwyneth explaining her choice to Oprah Winfrey.
It sounded so sweet and it conjured up such a lovely picture for me, she said.
You know, apples are so sweet and theyre wholesome, and its biblical.
As indeed are Jezebel, Haggith and Orpah but it wasnt just the biblical connotations that clinched it for Gwynnie.
I just thought it sounded lovely and clean.
We just hope Apple doesnt have to wait too long for the arrival of her twin brothers. Called Daz and Ajax…’
Reality Love
‘REMEMBER when Cilla Black would ask loved-up contestants on TVs Blind Date if she should buy meeself ern at?
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| Just be thankful they found each other…and not you |
Back then romance on TV was a rarity. Now, all you need do is appear on a reality show for Cupids arrow to strike.
So this week, OK! takes time to remember those who met in the green room, appeared under the glare of studio lights, canoodled, called their PR agents and then fell madly in love.
Theres pint-sized Peter Andre and his Mysterious Girl How does she walk? Its a mystery! – Jordan.
Theres Michelle Bass and Stuart Wilson, Michelle Heaton and Andy Scott-Lee, Mel Hill and Alex Sibley, Lee Davey and Sophie Pritchard, and Zoe Brikett and Mark Rhodes.
To think that these people who achieved their celebrity rank via appearances on reality TV shows might breed is truly remarkable. And even more amazing that it will not be filmed.
But you arent listening, because youve spotted the glaring omission in our real love list.
So a roll on the drums, a tremble on the cymbals and a blow on our second whistle for Ulrika Jonsson and Lance Gerrard-Wright.
And… what do you mean, not them? You cant mean Vanessa Nimmo and Ben Fogle. You do!
Come on, you really do watch too much TV if youre interested in that pair.
Time to try doing something else instead like staying in and buttering your head…’
Danny’s Girl
‘JOANNA Murphy (was Taylor, nee Clark) is right now shes married, people are holding their breath and waiting for me to get pregnant.
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| Boring, boring, Joanna |
Weve now been holding ours for the better part of a week and, although Joanna has yet to announce any impending arrivals, we have gained a unique insight into what it must be like to be the actress and now footballers wife.
But hark, whats that noise? Can it be the dizzying pitter-patter of tiny feet scampering hither and thither?
Just as we are about to breathe once more, Joanna tells us that its not little Jake and Molly not yet but her and her new husband Dannys babies, dogs Honey and Simba.
Thinking of them, Joanna says, with no hint to irony: Its just nice to feel like a family.
Deprived of pictures of Honey and Simba, we can only reassure ourselves that the young Murphys are blessed with Joannas lovely blonde, glossy coat and Dannys skills with a ball.
And perhaps even Joannas fashion sense, a way with clothes that leads her to honeymoon in Barbados with the words Just Married dotted in silver on the back of her black bikini briefs.
In case readers missed the legend the first time around, a few pages on Danny has hoisted his beloved round his middle, so allowing her to present her buttocks towards the camera.
Words that are most often written on the back of a bus or the boot of a car of Rolls Royce proportions look oddly at home on Joannas backside.
But before Joanna ties on an old boot to her bra strap and festoons her sensational two-piece with toilet roll and an inflated condom, she wants us to realise something desperately important, lest we get the wrong idea.
Says she: Were pretty boring in many ways.
Not all ways, you understand, just many…’
Chewing The Cuddle
‘AFTER the most extraordinary ten weeks of their lives, Michelle and Stuart were happy to escape the cameras and the mayhem that has surrounded them since they came out of the Big Brother house.
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| Since his lobotomy, Stu and Michelle have been communicating really well |
And what better way to escape the cameras than by allowing OK! to take a million photographs of you doing things that reality TV couples do when they are soooo in love.
Things like wrapping one arm around each other and another round a guitar as you grin in the Mallorca sunshine.
And other things like cuddling, cuddling again, cuddling, cuddling, sharing a cuddle, getting cuddly, being cuddled, and cuddling.
The only things that alter in Stu and Michelles in-depth cuddlerama are their outfits.
Hard-bitten investigative journalists like us at Anorak Towers would dearly love to know which outfit is the best for cuddling.
Since we know where each item can be bought and for how much, itd be vital to know which garment or combo stood up best to a good smooch.
But OK! doesnt ask. It does, however, wonder if Stu prefers Michelle with short or long hair and gives him the platform to say that yes he will get this hair cut when I enter the workplace.
We also learn that Michelle likes being recognised, and as long as were not mobbed by 50 people all at the same time, she can take it.
But not which outfit is the best for cuddling. Thats for another time…’
Celebrity Catfight
‘HOLLYWOOD is like a giant playpen, a fantasy world populated by stars and starlets boasting the emotional maturity (and indeed the height) of an average three-year-old.
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| Anorak’s bestest friend in the whole wide world |
And so it is no surprise to read in this weeks Enquirer that Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan almost came to blows recently…over which one was Paris Hiltons best friend.
Have you ever heard of anything so pathetic in all your life? Everyone knows that we at Anorak are Pariss best friend and well pull the hair of anyone who suggests otherwise.
Someone described as an insider familiar with the bitter confrontation at the Palms Casino Hotel takes up the tale.
Tara called Lindsay every name in the book, the source says. And things got worse after Tara consumed a few cocktails.
At one point Tara even threatened, Im gonna punch your lights out! to a stunned Linsday. And Tara meant it.
Really? She was actually going to go round to Lindsays room and extinguish all artificial illumination therein with her fists?
We think not but meanwhile Lindsay was giving as good as she got.
Lindsay, our insider says, shot back that Tara is nothing but a washed-up B-list starlet who was desperately trying to hold on to her A-list friends like Paris.
As for the cause of the row, the Enquirer explains that Tara was jealous because Lindsay had become close to Paris after giving her ex-boyfriend Nick Carter a piece of her mind.
So, Tara hit back with the Californian equivalent of pulling someones pigtails and started suggesting that Lindsay had had a boob job.
It got back to Lindsay, the magazine reports, and she was furious.
What about the lip implants and remodelled chin? Hadnt Tara even noticed those?’
Ask The Oracle
‘IF you want to know who’s had a boob job and who hasn’t in Hollywood, ask a porn star.
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| ‘The truth is in here…’ |
If you want to know who’s straight and who’s gay, ask a porn star.
If you want to know who is the more talented actor, Ben Affleck or a plank of wood, ask a porn star.
In fact, if you want to know anything about anyone, then you know where to turn. Porn stars are the Hollywood equivalent of the Delphic Oracle.
So, when porn legend Jenna Jameson claims in her new book, How To Make Love Like A Porn Star, that Cindy Crawford came onto her during an E! channel appearance, we have to believe her.
‘I knew what it meant because I’d experienced it so many times before,’ Jenna says, ‘but I kept dismissing it. It couldn’t be true. She was Cindy Crawford, after all.’
But it was true, according to well-hung porn king Ron Jeremy, who is himself as honest as his penis is long.
‘Despite what people think of adult entertainers,’ he tells the Enquirer, ‘Jenna is one of the most honest people I know. If she says something, I buy it.’
And so can you, priced at $27.95 from all good bookshops.’
Madonna’s Re:invention
‘AS Anorak’s resident porn star is on holiday, we will have to wait for a definitive answer on whether Madonna’s breasts have had a bit of help from our old friends Dr Nip and Dr Tuck.
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| Real or fake? |
But the Enquirer shows a picture of the 46-year-old singer to plastic surgery consultant Adrian Richards and he’s as sure as a man who’s never worked as a stunt cock can be.
‘Ten years ago, her breasts were quite small and pert, with a small base – they didn’t stretch across her chest as they do now,’ he says.
‘There is no way she could have achieved her buxom look with just the help of Mother Nature.’
But not everyone is as appreciative of Madonna’s aging body.
Critics have slammed her most recent shows, saying her dancers only serve to highlight the difference between a young body and a more mature one.
And the Enquirer says Madonna has thrown a tantrum, vowing to challenge some of her female critics to a competition of strength with her.
In The Ring With Madonna will come out later this year, with an undercard featuring Tara Reid v Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton v Nick Carter and Naomi Campbell taking on all-comers…’
Chewing The Fatuous
‘CONGRATULATIONS to Hello! for finally realising that its diet of sugary sweet pap wrapped in candy floss and treacle is damaging the nation’s teeth.
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| Esther attaches herself to the energy of Guy |
The complementary packet of Orbit ‘Professional’ sugar free gum glued to the cover of this week’s issue will go some way to repairing the damage Hello!’s words have inflicted upon a nation not overly blessed in the dental department.
But before the first stick of gum has lost its flavour, the magazine is scraping its enamel-like nails down a blackboard.
Madonna, readers learn, is all set to tell us why ‘family life is her greatest gift’.
Whether this is her gift to us, a gift to herself or a gift from a fan is never made totally clear.
What we get instead is the chance to see Madonna walking along with her husband, Guy, the pair decked out in matching flat caps, earthy-coloured slacks and polo shirts.
Oh, and, naturally, they both sport identical red sting bracelets, the last word in celebrity chic, and only available to devotees of Kabbalah…or in the haberdashery section of John Lewis.
But clever old you have noticed that it’s not Madonna at all – it’s Esther, the woman who looks a lot like Madonna, only without the conical bra and bulging crotch.
And she chose the name Esther because she ‘wanted to attach myself to the energy of a different name’.
If it was energy she was after, Duracell, Nuclear Fusion or National Grid may have served the purpose better.
But not Mars, Topic or any energy-boosting confection which, as readers of Hello! know only too well, can rot your teeth faster than you can say ‘few can deny she looks better than a woman her age has any right to…”
Queen Of Trump’s
‘LOOKING at Donald Trump, one word springs to mind: lacquer.
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| ‘Til death or a very good lawyer do them part |
Donald may well be ‘very handsome and smart’ and be blessed with ‘a great sense of humour’, but stand him near a hot oven and…whoosh!, he could go up quicker than a middle-aged man on Viagra.
But let us not worry for Donald’s well-being because he’s doing just fine.
He’s is love with Melania Knauss, a ‘smart, elegant women with a degree in design and architecture and a successful career as a model’.
He’s also got, in Melania’s worlds, a ‘great heart’, something that should see him and Melania go on for a long, long, long time.
And certainly as far as their mooted January wedding, which should secure Melania certain rights should her beloved’s great heart not prove to be so great after all.
Better yet if Donald can manage a few children. The future Mrs Trump says she wants to ‘focus on our family’ and, since she and Donald share no children, that can only means she’s planning to have some.
Donald supports the plan, revealing that ‘if you have money, having additional children is not a problem’.
‘I know many people who get remarried but don’t want to have more children, and their marriage breaks up over the issue,’ he says.
Much better to separate after you’ve given him some more kids, and so get yourself an improved divorce settlement and some proper alimony…’
Surf Bored
”IT’S hard to imagine Lady Victoria Hervey on a surfboard,’ says Hello!
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| Proof that Darwin was wrong |
But always ready to face down a challenge, we’ve closed our eyes, rubbed our temples and conjured up an image of… well, nothing.
We tried again, this time starting small and trying to imagine the woman – who’s now in Los Angeles taking acting classes and talking to TV producers about making a show about her ‘jet-set lifestyle’ – just paddling her feet in the ocean.
But still nothing comes. There’s no image.
We try again, now really concentrating, furrowing our brow and seeing if we can imagine the good lady just touching the sand with her toes. But it’s another non-starter.
And then it dawns on us. This is the challenge that has no answer.
We can’t imagine Lady Hervey surfing because we can’t imagine her doing anything.
Truth be told, we find it hard to believe she actually even exists. Although if she didn’t, why would anyone bother making her up?
Answers in the form of a surfboard to the usual address…’
It’s Insania
‘HERO and Lysander. Anthony and Cleopatra. Romeo and Juliet. Napoleon and Josephine. Day-vid and Victoria…
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| ‘Stop following me, dwarf man!’ |
To this pantheon of great romances we must now add the names of Peter and Jordan, as we join OK! over 17 ‘world exclusive’ pages in celebrating the romance of the century.
And in honour of the happy couple, Anorak can announce that it is giving away signed copies of its award-winning docu-drama ‘Insania: The Fumble In The Jungle’ to 50 lucky readers.
‘He was a pint-sized Aussie midget, with his best years behind him; she was an English mo-del with three tonnes of silicone in front of her.
‘But when they met, it was Insania…’
To win a copy of this seminal 96-minute feature, readers need only answer this simple question: ‘How many Fs are there in Jordan?’ 1) 0; 2) 1; 3) 2.
In the event that more than 50 readers get the correct answer of 2, then they will be required to complete a tie-break question (in no more than 15 words): ‘I bought Peter Andre’s Mysterious Girl because…’
If there is still a tie, readers will have to undergo our very own version of a Bushtucker Challenge.
They must read through the whole of OK!’s ‘holiday exclusive’ interview with the couple on their return from the Maldives…without throwing up.
Easy? We think not – as this brief excerpt will show…
Peter: ‘Put it this way – this holiday has really solidified our relationship. It was the best thing that could have happened for us.’
Jordan: ‘We’ve spent a lot of time together anyway since we left the jungle, but to be in a remote place like the Maldives really tests whether you get on.’
Peter: ‘It just made us stronger than ever. It’s taken us to the next level in our relationship.’
Jordan: ‘What are you trying to say, Pete? That you’re in love with me?’
Peter: ‘Yes, I am.’
Jordan: ‘And I’m in love with you too, Peter.’
Bleurghhhhhhh!’
Plumbing The Depths
‘ALL great love affairs start on reality TV shows.
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| ‘Let’s play ‘guess what I had for breakfast” |
Peter and Jordan obviously met on the set of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here! Romeo and Juliet shared their first kiss while filming Family Feud.
And some people forget that Hero and Lysander got together on the show that spawned Temptation Island – When Straits Divide!
So we are sure that centuries from now when thoughts turn to love, people will still raise a glass to Big Brother’s Stuart and Michelle.
A couple whose desperation for fame was so legendary that there was no humiliation which they would no bear, no depth to which they would not stoop, no ridicule to which they would not subject themselves.
In a world exclusive interview (for the third week running), OK! puts the would-be Geordie glamour model and her handsome beau to the test.
Will Stuart put on a £9.99 cowboy hat from River Island and let Michelle smear flour over his face? He sure will.
Will Michelle (top, £100 from D%G; jeans, £145 by Dondup) play Twister with Stuart (T-shirt, £40 from Ted Baker; jeans, £195 by Alien B)? You betcha.
Will Michelle (dress, £249 by Vivia; shoes, £54.99 by River Island) squirt her chicken (jumper, £65 by French Connection; jeans, £90 from Freesoul) with a water pistol? Squirt away!
Will Stuart (cowboy hat, £9.99; boots, £120 from River Island) sit next to Michelle (boots, £99.99 by Destroy) and point laughing into the distance? Whatever you say, partner…’
Vote Kerry
‘THERE is nothing we look forward to more every week than reading Kerry McPudding’s column in OK! magazine.
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| ‘And now here’s the news…’ |
This week, for instance, we learn that Kerry has graciously given her blessing to Beyonce Knowles’s decision to put her wedding to rapper Jay-Z on hold, announcing, ‘Beyonce’s wedding plans are fine by me’.
If that was not a massive comfort to the sometime Destiny’s Child singer, then we’re sure J-Lo is positively ecstatic to hear that Kerry wishes her the best of luck if rumours about her pregnancy are true.
Similarly, the powers behind Naked News will be bitterly disappointed to learn that Kerry will not be tuning in.
‘I have never heard anything that is so pathetic in all my life,’ she says. ‘Who would want to do that for a job?’
Maybe, a young hopeful who used to pose topless to earn a few quid at the start of her career. Eh, Kerry?
You may equally ask who would want to write a column for OK! every week. And we rather think that there Kerry might have competition from fellow Westwife Jodi Albert.
The Hollyoaks actress tells OK! that her mum bought her a laptop computer for her 21st birthday.
‘I’m determined to be able to use it and not have it as an accessory,’ she says. ‘I really wanted one – and this is going to sound cheesy – because of Sex And The City!
‘To pretend I was writing my column!’
For OK!…’
Where There’s A Will…
‘PARENTS tell their children a lot of lies – that Father Christmas exists, that we are nearly there yet and that Dad and Mrs Adamson really were looking for a dropped contact lens when you walked in on them.
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| Anything’s possible if you put your mind to it. Even this. |
But surely the biggest fib that adults insist on trotting out to their progeny is that you can be – or do – anything if you really put your mind to it.
What a crock of shit! It doesn’t matter how hard you try, if you’re only 5ft 2in tall, you’re not going to have a career in the NBA.
Unless you have the God-given ability to spout mindless drivel for hours on end and still think you’re amusing, you ain’t going to become a radio DJ.
And unless you’ve got breasts the size of beachballs, you’re not going to be the new Jordan. Sad it may be, but it’s true. Deal with it, junior.
However, it is true that anyone can become former Hollyoaks star and Celebrity Fame Academy winner Will Mellor if they put their mind to it.
It helps of course to have a head-start if you are to emulate the 28-year-old who can also put shows like Casualty and Night Fever on his CV.
And no-one has more of a head-start than Will’s baby son, Jayden – not only has Jayden got his dad’s genes, but he’s also got his dad’s name – Jayden Will Mellor.
No wonder Will has got such high hopes for the young tyke.
‘Being streetwise feels very important,’ the multi-talented Mellor tells Hello! ‘Being good at school less so. I was a terrible pupil and lucky to stay in school.’
So, Lesson 1 to any kids wanting to follow in Will’s footsteps – get kicked out of school.
As for Lesson 2…
‘I want him, above all, to go for his dreams and recognise that anything is possible as long as you put your mind to it.’
Including if he’s really lucky a role alongside his dad in that seminal drama, Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps…’
Three Of A Kind
‘ACCORDING to their official website, Irish girl band Bellefire have achieved a huge amount in the four years they’ve been together.
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| Big in Japan |
We quote: ‘They’ve toured – and become huge in – Japan, even performing traditional Irish ballad versions of Japanese punk songs with one of that country’s biggest stars, Yaiko.’
Enough for any band, we’re sure you would agree, but Bellefire are not resting on their laurels – they’re releasing a single called Spin The Wheel next month and their debut UK album the month after.
And to cap it all off this week they have their own two-page spread in Hello!, in which they reveal ‘the hard work and fighting spirit behind their carefree image’.
Of course, to have an image in days gone by, carefree or otherwise, it used to help that people had got the first clue who you were.
But that was then, this is now and 22-year-old Cathy, her sister Ciara, 21, and Kelly Kilfeather, 25 are determined not to be weighed down by such stereotypes.
‘What none of us want to be now, and never wanted to be right from the beginning,’ says Kelly, ‘was a stereotypical all-singing, all-dancing, all-smiling gushy pop act that is disposable as bubble gum.
‘We want to last longer than an eye-blink.’
So, ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, keep your eyes open and put your hands together for the new B*Witched, the Irish Atomic Kitten, the female Busted…’
Shooting Stars
‘AT Anorak, we have often been asked if shooting could be any more fashionable.
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| Kelly Brook de Campo |
We are indebted to Hello! magazine, which this week provides an answer.
‘Shooting is even more fashionable now that Bill Emberg has created a new luxury leather range for the sport.’
And at a cocktail party to celebrate the launch of the range in Chelsea, all of London’s most fashionable types were out ‘hunting down one of the cartridge belt and bags made from bridle leather or a beautiful double gun slip’ from the collection.
Sadly, celebrity marksmen Guy and Madonna couldn’t make it – by the looks of it, they were too busy washing the car.
Nor could Jude and Sienna spotted enjoying a romantic stroll through Venice or Kelly Brook and her just good friend Billy Zane, seen walking arm-in-arm on the French Riviera,
But we think you’d agree that the presence of the likes of the Duchess of Marlborough, Countess Douglas and Lord Edward Manners more than made up for the various absences.
And in the absence of Kelly Brook, Brooke de Campo lent a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’ to the occasion…’
Posted: 18th, August 2004 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
