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Playing Chicken
‘THE search for renewable sources of energy, the drive to find life on other planets and the quest to restore Anthea Turner to our TV screens are all walks in the park compared to today’s mission – to make Stuart Wilson interesting.
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| There was no shortage of tits in the Big Brother house |
OK! has never baulked in the face of mediocrity – why, it has even managed to give reality TV star Kerry McFadden her own column.
So, when it gives Stu a guitar to pose with, the hope is that the instrument will lend him some degree of charisma.
Sadly, it fails, and we find ourselves wondering where the guitar was made and what shop it came from and not thinking about Stu or what Stu is about to play.
But then the only thing Stu’s fingers are interested in strumming these days is Michelle Bass, the brassy Geordie lass with whom he may not have had sex on the Big Brother TV show.
We can’t be sure what went on because the couple who volunteered to be filmed for 24 hours a day for ten weeks and dropped their clothes at a moment’s notice, have suddenly come over all coy.
And even when OK! asks what went on beneath that table for a third time, the pair are ‘united in their shy defence’.
And then OK! gets a little stuck. Michelle and Stuart have nothing left to offer.
So, instead of revelations about Stu’s private life (the pubic hair ball he keeps under his pillow; his world-class collection of J-cloths) and how Michelle just loves sex and Countdown, we get the story of their love.
We hear how they met (on a TV show), how they kissed (on a TV show), what they thought of each other when they met (on a TV show) what happened when they were evicted from the Big Brother house (on a TV show).
The only question left to ask them is: ‘So, one last time for the record: did you have sex in the house?’
And that’s a record someone needs to change very soon…’
A Mother’s Love
‘EVER wondered what the parents of the shameless exhibitionists who appear on Big Brother think of their children?
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| A match made in a TV studio |
No, neither have we. But OK! has and it went to Macclesfield to talk with Stuart Wilson’s mother, Siobhan.
And just like her son, Siobhan has brought along a few props – Stuart’s siblings, Janet and John.
And just in case we find them as uninteresting as their brother, OK! has equipped each of them with a prop of their own.
John has a guitar. Janet has a violin and, in a further shot, a copy of – yep, you guessed it – OK! magazine.
The only people missing from this homage to domestic bliss are Stuart’s father, Phil, and his other sister, Fiona.
Where are they? We can only hope they are too ashamed to actually lend their faces to this story.
But, for now, OK! has to work with the material it’s got, and it wonders what Siobhan thinks of her son’s girlfriend, the horrendous Michelle.
‘I wish she was a little more inhibited, but she’s young and we do silly things when we’re young,’ she says diplomatically.
Will the love affair last? ‘I’m confident their relationship will last. And that they will be a couple… I don’t know if it will last, though, because their relationship is built on very shaky ground; it doesn’t have a very solid foundation.’
She also thinks Michelle has a ‘jealous nature’. And when she first saw the Big Brother cast assemble, Mrs Wilson thought what a lovely girl Shell was and that it would be nice if she and Stu ‘teamed up’.
It’s all a little confusing. But things soon become clear when Siobhan offers her philosophy on her son’s romance.
Would Siobhan ever say anything bad if her son brought home a girl she didn’t like ?
‘Yes, I would,’ says she, ‘but I’d be very careful how I approached it. If you interfere with your children’s relationships, you can make them more determined.’
And for now, that means Michelle is just a lovely, sweet-hearted gel who has yet to visit chez Wilson…’
Dish Of The Day
‘BEFORE we tell you what Cordelia Kretzschmar had for lunch, we should tell you what a Cordelia Kretzschmar is.
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| Ravigote totty |
Make that who a Cordelia Kretzschmar is, because this one’s a she and she’s made of flesh and blood, like any number of Sharons, Lucys and Tinas.
So to the chase, and the news that Cordelia Kretzschmar is a reporter on GMTV and has just eaten a lunch of hot smoked salmon salad with ravigote dressing.
Unlike our investigation into Cordelia, that dish needs no explanation, and many is the time we at Anorak Towers have splashed a dash of ravigote on our crab sticks.
And like Cordelia we too are partial to a warming bowl of strawberry soup, made by smothering a bowl of the red fruit in vanilla ice-cream and allowing it to melt.
However, we are unfamiliar with a Jonathan Swain. So we read with much interest that a Jonathan Swain is also a presenter on GMTV and not a brand dishcloth.
We know it’s a lot to take in, but you are a bright bunch and OK!, like us, is never scared of increasing its readers’ understanding of the world around us…’
When Celebrities Explode!
‘HAD it been Kirstie Alley or Oprah Winfrey, for example, we would barely have raised an eyebrow but the news that Jennifer Aniston has blown up has come as quite a surprise.
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| Jennifer starts to shatter like she was made of glass |
But there it is on the cover of this weeks National Enquirer, which promises all the details inside.
And splattered across two pages, we read the magazines exclusive into how the Friends actress had been becoming more and more upset with her fish-bowl existence in Hollywood.
She blamed the pressure of her celebrity life for not being able to conceive and wanted to move to Europe to get away from star-crazed fans.
Husband Brad Pitt agreed and the couple were said to be looking for a house in the East Sussex village of Rye when disaster struck.
Jen could not take any more and exploded, spattering the walls of the couples Los Angeles home with blood, gore and bits of undigested Krispy Kremes.
The Enquirer says the Friends star is the fourth celebrity to blow up this year and there are fears that the pressures of life in Tinseltown may be getting too much for many stars.
Only last month, Meat Loaf exploded in the middle of a gig, while in May bomb disposal experts arrived in the nick of time to save CSI star William Peterson.
Danny De Vito and wife Rhea Perlman of course started the current trend when they both blew up within minutes of each other at the beginning of the year.
However, the good news for Tinseltown insiders is that Jennifers self-destruction was captured on the houses security cameras.
And as we speak Pitt is said to be negotiating with TV moguls over a fee for releasing the footage for a new programme, When Celebrities Explode!
In Hollywood, every cloud has a silver lining…’
The Honeymoon’s Over
‘WITH the average duration of a celebrity marriage now counted in days rather than years (and, in the case of Britney Spears, hours rather than days), something had to give.
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| ‘Don’t leave me. We’ve only been married for 37 minutes’ |
And that something, it seems, is the honeymoon.
It has just become too difficult for stars to fit in a fortnight in the Bahamas or even 10 days on the Amalfi Coast when the honeymoon can often last longer than the marriage.
So, Nicolas Cage has decided to dispense with the honeymoon completely with his latest bride, 20-year-old former sushi waitress Alice Kim.
He even dispensed with guests at the San Jose wedding – and, just hours after saying ‘I do’ for about the 33rd time, Cage was back at work.
‘Nic is pretty bizarre when it comes to marriage,’ a source close to him tells the Enquirer. ‘He courts women, marries them, and then spends very little time with them.
‘It was the same thing with Lisa Marie Presley. Nic and Lisa Marie never had a real honeymoon.
‘And in their 107-day marriage, he spent little more than two weeks’ total time with her.’
We wonder, however, whether Cage is missing a trick here.
Rather than prolonging an unhappy marriage for more than three months, would he not have been better off going straight from wedding to honeymoon to divorce court?
Or, if he really wants to avoid a honeymoon, do a Britney and go straight from wedding chapel to divorce court?
However, it appears that Britney herself might not even make it to the chapel this time with reports that she has had her first bust-up with fiancé Kevin Federline.
The 26-year-old dancer apparently shouted at his bride-to-be, ‘I’m all the man you need now’, after hearing her on the phone to Ben Affleck.
A source tells the Enquirer: ‘Kevin’s paranoid about Ben because he’s handsome, famous, accomplished, successful and charismatic.’
And does wooden better than any actor since Pinocchio…’
Stop, Messing
‘WILL And Grace star Debra Messing has a secret – and sordid – lesbian crush on Latin lovely Salma Hayek.
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| Salma loved deliberately provoking Debra |
‘Salma is luscious,’ says the star (who claims she is not gay). ‘She’s beautiful and exotic and she’s curvy in every way that I’m not.
‘She has the fabulous accent. I’m a sucker for the accent. And she’s got great fashion sense.’
Messing claims that she made the comments in an interview with OUT magazine, which asked stars who would be their dream date if they wore a more comfortable style of shoe.
But we here at Anorak – and the National Enquirer – know better.
And we advise Salma to be on her guard against the dungaree-clad star of Will And Grace.
Also in the sights of these secret friends of Dorothy this week are Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron and Sheryl Crow, wanted for a big lezzie orgy by Tiffani Theissen; Lauryn Hill, the fantasy shag of Alyssa Milano; and Elizabeth Taylor (c.1930), Jeri Ryan’s same-sex soulmate.
You have been warned, ladies. These women are not wearing heels and they can run faster than you…’
The London I
‘AS far as we know, no-one has drowned in the West End of London since David Hasselhoff arrived.
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| Coming to a puddle near you |
With the worlds most famous lifeguard in town, paddlers in the Trafalgar Square fountain have been splashing around with a new sense of freedom.
Just knowing Dave is around gives all Londoners a sense of security – although Dave is determined not to make a big show of being a real bona fide hero.
So hes taken to moving around the capital incognito, dressed in a pair of silver-tipped cowboy boots, a black leather jacket open to the waist (to reveal his white T-shirt and silver cross beneath), a pair of dark sunglasses and a yellow floatation aid tucked under one arm.
He looks just like any other Londoner as he poses for photographs in front of the London Eye.
And when he wanders around Covent Garden with his wife Pamela and daughters Taylor-Ann and Hayley the family group he calls his North Star no-one notices the Americans in the red shorts and high-cut swimsuits.
But still some fans see through the disguise and call out to him.
People on the street are so cool, says Dave. Theyll say, Hey, Michael or Hey, Mitch, and they want to chat or ask for an autograph.
No-one, however, says Hey, Dave, Hail The Hoff, Nice boots or even Give us a song…although very soon they might be saying Hey, Billy thanks to Daves latest part playing Billy Flynn in the hit stage show Chicago.
People dont expect me to be good, says Dave. They come to the show and they go: Well, okay, heres the Baywatch guy. Hes on TV, well see.
Theyre surprised that I can sing and dance.
And dive into a central London fountain with no thought for his own safety…’
Model Looks
‘NOT every Australian who arrives on these shores can be the new Jono Coleman.
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| ‘Only fools and horses work’ |
Many end up as the new Kylie, Rolf, Dannii or in panto in Bridlington.
But what they all bring to these shores is a backpack stuffed full of Vegemite, inflatable kangaroos, rugby tops and the hope that they can make it big in the mother country.
And today we look at the latest arrival, Sarah Fergusons niece Ayesha Makim, daughter of the old toe-suckers sister Jane and a fledgling model.
Shes here to pose in some large jewels, some small underwear and to tell us that she fell into modelling by accident.
And it must have been quite some accident, because looking at Ayesha we must wonder what the girl who looks not unlike a young Nicholas Lyndhurst can bring to the modelling world.
But before we can wonder any longer, Hello! is on hand to tell us.
Shes got her mothers high cheekbones, it says, her aunt Sarahs love of fun and her grandmother Susan Barrantes sense of style.
Shes also got a cousin called Princess Eugenie and another called Princess Beatrice.
Which might not be enough to get her a part on Celebrity Fatsos with Coleman or a walk-on role in Emmerdale, but it will get her a spread in Hello! and thats more than enough…’
Girl Of Summer
‘THIS week, we were torn between commenting on Jodie Kidds engagement to fiancé Aiden (and why wearing a T-shirt with a picture of herself playing polo on it), weeping at the marriage of Coronation Street baddie Bryan Caprons daughter or wondering what lies ahead for the Bills Trudie Goodwin.
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| The new Jono Coleman |
But then something fell out of Hello! magazine. It was the HOLIDAY HELLO! SUMMER SPECIAL.
There were promises of SHORT STORIES, STARS ON HOLIDAY, PUZZLES and HUMOUR.
The celebs had been trumped, and we have spent the best part of a day tying to SPOT THE DIFFERENCE between the picture of Cat Deeley on the left and the picture of the childrens TV presenter on the right.
For your information, in the picture on the left, Cat looks like shes got a big future in TV ahead of her; on the right, she looks like old news.
Theres also an entertainment quiz, a MOVIE LINK game (in which we are invited to guess what links Kevin Costner to any other Hollywood actor).
THERES also a short story form Jackie Collins – QUEEN OF THE BLOCKBUSTER in which a Hollywood star prepares for her comeback.
But the real SCOOP is on the back page where Dannii Minogue is interviewed about her love of Ibiza nights and confesses a SECRET passion for packing.
The news that Dannii is now the PROUD owner of a British passport. And she has a cat – which is FAT and round and may or may not be called Jono.’
The Stepford Girls
‘WHEN Hollywood casting directors were looking around for actresses to star in the 2004 remake of the 1975 classic The Stepford Wives, they clearly didnt visit Chester.
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| January, February, March, April, May… |
Had they done so, they would have found their cast already assembled tanned, gorgeous and as interchangeable as so many brands of toothpaste.
Actually, they wouldnt because the cast of Hollyoaks has decamped to Ibiza for the summer, which is where we catch up with them in this weeks OK!
Helpfully, they are all wearing different colour bikinis so that we can tell them apart as they top up their tans, read magazines, play beach tennis and apply liberal coatings of suntan oil to one other.
Sarah Dunn (22-years-old, long blonde hair, pierced belly button) shows up in a pink and turquoise number.
Ali Bastian (22-years-old, long blonde hair, pierced belly button) chose a hot pink bikini with string tied bottoms.
Jodi Albert (21-years-old, long dark hair, pierced belly button) kept wrapped in a pink, floral-print sarong and a sky blue bikini, which just managed to keep her contained.
And Gemma Atkinson (19-years-old, long blonde hair, belly button pierced) was wearing an orange bikini and showing off her tattoo of Chinese symbols on her belly.
A spokesman for the show tells OK! that the girls are good pals on and off the set.
Theyve all worked hard and its nice to see them having fun and relaxing on a well-earned holiday.
But it wasnt all play for the girls they were actually in Ibiza shooting the Hollyoaks 2005 calendar.
Weve got a feeling that one month is going to seem very much like every other next year except perhaps for October which will be fat and ginger and called Chloe…’
Kerry Uncovered!
‘THE Hollyoaks hotties arent the only bikini-clad British babes who have been gracing the Spanish beaches this summer.
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| Kerry – before she was famous |
OK! catches up with former Hollyoaks star Davinia Taylor (26-years-old, long blonde hair, belly button not pierced) and her singer friend Jenny Frost (26-year-old, long blonde hair, belly button not pierced) in the millionaires hangout of Marbella.
But sadly not the woman whom Jenny replaced in Atomic Kitten, OK!s very own Hot Stars columnist Kerry McPudding.
Theres no way Id want to be caught on a beach in a bikini like Jenny Frost, Charlotte Church and Britney Spears because I dont have a body like theirs, explains our Kerry.
Not that Kerry (23-years-old, long blonde hair, state of belly button unknown) hasnt been on the obligatory holiday to Spain this summer.
She went to Majorca with husband Bryan/Brian, former Atomic Kitten bandmate Natasha Hamilton (22-years-old, long blondish hair, belly button unpierced), her bloke and their respective kids.
But Kerry was very careful to make sure she was never photographed in a bikini on the beach.
She saves such appearances for when she can be sure no-ones looking like when she was the presenter of short-lived TV show Elimidate and was in Atomic Kitten.’
Liberty X-Men
‘WHO are the two most redundant words in showbiz?
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| ‘Back a bit more, Kevin. And you, whatsyername…’ |
I do, uttered by Jennifer Lopez as she pledges her future to yet another husband?
Andrew Ridgeley?
No, the answer is Kevin and Tony the names of the two blokes who can sometimes be seen in the background on Liberty X videos.
Even OK! struggles to remember their names as it catches up with bandmates Michelle Heaton and Jessica Taylor celebrating their joint birthday party with their famous friends.
In fact, it appears that the magazine has completely forgotten Tonys name, failing to give him a single mention in the whole of the eight-page feature.
That wouldnt be so bad if he werent ranked lower down the celebrity pecking order than Marco from Big Brother, James Fox from Fame Academy, John from The Salon and Andy Scott-Lee from the Job Centre.
In truth, Andy only gets in because he is Michelles boyfriend, although we are sure that great things are round the corner for this twice-failed star.
Hes written and recorded some songs and they sound great, Michelle says.
He just needs a deal now. There arent many deals being offered at the moment for various reasons, but hes just a money pot waiting to happen.
All he needs to do is find his very own George Michael…’
Revenge Of The Killer Breasts!
”DOLLY’S BREASTS ARE KILLING HER!’
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| Dolly’s career has gone tits up |
That’s a headline worthy of at least a few dozen exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!
‘My boobs are killing me,’ singing chest Dolly Parton has been saying to her pals, who have been passing the information on to the National Enquirer.
‘And she worries that if it’s this bad now, what will be like in 10 or 20 years from now?’
We dread to think, and wonder if Dolly has considered divorcing her famous assets?
Sure, she fears that without her famous attributes that overshadow her voice, her feet and half of Texas she will be a has-been, but she can still make her chest pay.
Perhaps Dolly’s double-D breasts could be placed on display in a museum – along with Michael Jackson’s noses, Elizabeth Taylor’s looks and Anna Nicole Smith’s stomachs?
But then, how would they be displayed? As the magazine that knows says, even wearing a supportive bra is not good enough. So what chance a small plinth?
Dolly could have reductive surgery, having the air bags that have inflated her already generous frontage to such gigantic proportions removed.
But this too is not without problems for tormented Dolly, who has, as the story says, already ruled out this option.
However, just as hope threatens to sag, an insider suggests that something of a miracle may yet save Dolly’s career from drying up like the discs in her load-bearing back.
The insider esplains that not too long ago Dolly was having trouble with her silicone.
‘The silicone was leaking and travelling round her body, causing nodules to appear in her upper arms.’
‘In effect she was growing little ‘breasts’ of silicone.’
And therein lurks the remedy. Dolly can not so much lose her trademark tits as have she can have them transferred to an area of the body where she can support them more easily.
Sure, having tits on your arms is unusual, but Dolly is already far from normal.
And if she’s worried, she can always pass them off as huge biceps or just say that, like many women of a certain age, she’s stuffed several hundred tissues up her sleeves.’
Chyna In Your Hand
‘SHE might not be big over here, but Joanie Laurer, the wrestler formerly known as Chyna, is coming to an internet site near you.
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| Big Daddy never looked like this |
As is the way with these things (Tonya Harding and Jeff Gillooly’s so-called ‘Wedding Night Tape’, the Pamela Anderson-Tommy Lee show reel and Paris Hilton’s bargain bucket horror show) a promoter has gotten hold of a tape showing the muscled fighter in a no-holds-barred grapple with her ex-fiancé, wrestler Sean Walterman, alias X-Pac.
‘They go through different sexual positions on her big bed,’ says a source.
‘Occasionally, she’s decked out in a tight black vinyl outfit with a flowing cape…
‘There’s even a segment where she puts on some leather gear and twirls swords that look straight out of Xena: Warrior Princess!’
Having seen what American TV wrestlers usually get up to, we might also get to see Chyna standing on the headboard before plummeting down on her man’s groin.
He can then pin her leg up behind her and repeatedly smash her head into the floor, with each thrust accompanied by the stricken Chyna slapping her hand down on X-Pac’s backside.
But anyone wishing to study this film in close detail should be warned. What looks like hardcore, all-the-way action may very well be just two wrestlers pretending to do it.
Hell, they might not even touch each other at all…’
Baba Bing
‘CAN it really be two years and more since Liz Hurley gave birth to little Damian?
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| Damian goes to playgroup |
It must be because the Enquirer says so, which means that we’ve been ignoring the wee scamp, and – better late than never – it’s now time to check out how he’s doing.
And he looks great. He inherited his father Steve Bing’s computer programmer looks and, looking closer still, dear old rich daddy’s sense of style.
We had expected more, and are sorry to say that it is little Damian in the hideous green velvet jacket and little white tights.
And that’s him again – ‘Little Lord Fauntleroy’ – dressed in a pastel blue pair of immaculate overalls with a picture of a pink ship on the front.
And that’s Damian once more, this time wearing another pair of his now trademark overalls and a shirt with what the Enquirer describes as a ‘Peter Pan collar’.
Far be it from us to speak ill of children, but Damian looks like he’s in trouble.
So, in an effort to spare him some therapy in later life, we’re sending him our Anorak DIY Tattoo and Body Piercing Kit.
And our best wishes for what outfits await him…’
Hugh’s Shame
‘JUST when Hugh Grant was starting to live down his encounter with prostitute Divine Brown and get on with his life, we have unearthed an even more sordid secret about the star.
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| No wonder he looks ashamed |
Loath though we are to ruin the reputation of one of Britain’s most successful actors, we feel the public has a right to know.
And we have Hello! to thank for providing the evidence for our scoop, even though that stalwart of investigative journalism misses the story itself.
Indeed, it is so busy concentrating on Grant’s relationship with Jemima Khan that it fails to notice what is staring it in the face.
Look closely at the picture of the 43-year-old actor bending down to pick up the newspapers outside Jemima’s mews home in Fulham and prepare to confront the awful truth.
Hugh Grant is a Daily Mail reader.’
A Bravura Performance
‘INSTEAD of sending in a guest with a secret camera to get snatch pictures of Catherine Zeta Jones’s wedding, Hello! should have just hired a sketch artist.
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| ‘And I even had heartburn, your honour’ |
It could still have wrecked OK!’s £1m investment with its own ‘exclusive pictures’ of the nuptials and would have probably not have been sued as a result.
We could have still enjoyed pictures of Catherine stuffing one vol-au-vent after another down her throat and of husband Michael Douglas being carried off the dance floor after his back went.
And in the unlikely event of the bride and groom complaining at the likenesses, the magazine could have pleaded artistic licence.
But it is too late for such thoughts – the sketch artist is a ruse that Hello! has come up with only now as it reports on Catherine’s stalker trial.
And it has to be said that so appalling are the resulting pictures that we have to rely on the magazine to tell us that the dark-haired woman in the first picture is the Oscar-winning actress ‘struggling to maintain her composure’.
Another picture portrays the youthful Michael Douglas as a haggard old man as he sits facing 32-year-old Dawnette Knight, the woman who is alleged to have been so infatuated by him that she threatened to kill his wife.
But even the most talented artist wouldn’t have been able to capture the virtuosity of Catherine’s performance in court as she told how the ‘satanic and horrific’ threats ‘affected me…and will affect me for the rest of my life’.
Seasoned court critics said the performance was even more electrifying than the one the 34-year-old actress gave at the Hello! trial.
Then, she was only ‘devastated’ and ‘violated’ at the publication of a photograph of her eating.
This time, with voice quavering and fighting back tears, she told the court of her reaction at hearing about the threats (none of which were actually sent directly to her).
‘I started to shake and sweat. I felt like I was about to faint. I had a tingling sensation in my arms, a burning sensation in the roof of my mouth.’
Classic signs, we suggest, of acid reflux. Give the girl some Gaviscon…and another Oscar.’
What Marie Did Next
‘TIME was when you had to be over 60, retired and actually have done something memorable with your life even to consider pumping out an autobiography.
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| Marie’s fame predates colour photography |
Not that that made them any more interesting – a combination of what you had for breakfast and whom you had for dinner does not make for a fascinating read.
An autobiography was a way of telling the world how much better a place it would have been if everyone had listened to you – and hopefully of making a few quid to cover the funeral expenses.
These days, if you’re not on your fourth autobiography by the time you reach 30, then you’re a nobody.
Not that being a nobody should stop you writing an autobiography, or indeed several.
Bookshop shelves are full of weighty tomes with titles like Joe Bloggs: The Womb Years and My Life, Vol VI (August 14 – August 18 1998) by AN Other.
And to those illustrious ranks we will soon be able to add the second volume of Marie Helvin’s autobiography.
Older readers (or those who read Catwalk, the first volume of her autobiography) may dimly recall Marie’s name – she was a model in the 1970s and married to photographer David Bailey.
And we have no doubt that the second volume, which will cover her relationship with Mark Shand (Camilla Parker Bowles’ brother) and friendship with Dodi Fayed, will be a real page-turner.
If you can’t wait until the book is published, however, Hello! is on hand to give us an insight into what it may contain.
We learn, for instance, that although Marie has lived in north London, Battersea and Pimlico, she really likes living in Chelsea.
Why? you ask. ‘Because, to be honest, it’s easy to blend in here,’ she says. ‘By that I mean no-one bothers you.’
Unlike in New Cross, say, or Dollis Hill where Marie can’t set foot outside her house without getting mobbed.’
A Good Egg
‘WHEN Tamara Beckwith was born, the hatchery that sired her did not throw away the shell.
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| Dip your soldiers in here |
Instead, they gathered up the bits and pieces and tried one more time to get things right. And they came up with Clare.
We know her better as Clare Beckwith, who despite being seven months pregnant has not put ‘an extra ounce of fat on her fabulous frame’.
Besides being professionally pregnant, Clare’s also a TV presenter and so needs no further introduction to the tens of media studies students who catch her presenting Sky Vegas Live on a satellite channel.
But you will need to know that Clare is also putting the finishing touches to her new yoga video for expectant mums.
This is sure to be a massive hit with mums-to-be the world over, who will thrill at discovering new ways to feed chocolate biscuits into their mouths with their right feet while speed dialling their personal trainers with their left.
But Clare is not resting on her laurels, or on the top of her chakra.
Clare is planning for the future. When the baby is born, she thinks it would be a good thing to ‘get out of the house and have some time for myself’.
Which, after all, is what being a showbiz mum is all about. Well, that, the dieting and the yoga videos…’
The Ferret Pack
‘ONE man who is not fat is Lee Ryan. He’s as thin as a ferret is our Lee, the singer with boyband Blue.
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| Running up a trouser leg near you |
And like a ferret, Lee will run up a trouser leg or skirt at a moment’s notice.
Which means that, when OK! says we’re all going to attend Lee’s 21st birthday bash, we expect to see lots of ferret-type behaviour.
But to think of Lee as a one-trick rodent would be to rub his fur the wrong way. So, when OK! asks Lee about his sexual conquests, he’s ruffled.
‘What do they expect?’ asks Lee. ‘I’m young, I’m not married, I don’t have any commitments and if I have threesomes or have sex on a pool table – so what?’
He’s right. Lee’s sexual happenings are things that only David Attenborough and a flexible camera on a stick should ever investigate.
So let’s just see Lee for what he is. And that’s a boy in a T-shirt with the picture of a tiger on the front, worn reassuringly tucked into his jeans and beneath a velveteen-style blue jacket.
And let’s now see Lee’s ‘star-studded’ birthday party, where stars like the rest of Blue, Liberty X, Andy Scott-Lee, Andy’s sister Lisa, and her boyfriend, former Hear’Say band member Johnny Shentall, shone.
It’s a kind of rat pack for young British players. Or a ferret-pack, if you will…’
Madras Hole
‘WHEN most popstars leave bands, they fret about how their solo careers will fare. They have one or maybe two second bites at fame’s cherry before things go sour.
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| Kerry shows off her Madras-sets |
But not Bryan McPadding. And this is because when Bryan left Westlife, he was fat. And his fatness led him to meet a nutritionist who told him he ‘could ‘lose weight or die”.
And since Bryan lost weight – getting his mass down from Feltzene proportions to ‘slimline’ – it follows that he will not die.
This is some news, especially for those of you who have, like Bryan, slaughtered entire herds of cattle in the name of Dr Atkins.
And it makes us wonder what Bryan will look like in, say, two hundred years time – when he makes his umpteenth comeback tour.
And will Kerry McPadding, immortal Bryan’s wife of today, still be equally alive in 2204 or will she have gone the way of so many cattle?
We’re not sure. And we can only say that the McPaddings should enjoy the time they have now because tomorrow is another day.
So here’s Kerry making the most of life and telling us that she has lost loads of weight like her Bryan – thanks to a ‘hectic combination of looking after two young children, working hard and ‘grabbing snacks’ along the way’.
But she can still has a ‘passion for takeaway curries, full-fat Coke and a ‘fag in the morning”.
We at Anorak like an Indian blow-out as much as the next drunk, but chowing down on a King Prawn Madras in the morning is too much even for us.
But this is Kerry McPadding – cockroach-eating jungle survivor – and, if it works for her, then we can only look on in wonder.
And do not doubt that it does work for her – just look at her stats.
From being ten and a half stones and five feet tall when she went into the I’m A Celebrity… clearing all those moons ago, Kerry now tips the scales at just under nine stones but, crucially, remains just five feet tall.
‘I think I’m just under nine stone. But my boobs weigh three stone each, and that’s just my nipples!’
Which means her weight should plummet when the breast to the right is drained of curry sauce and the other one is tapped for full-fat Coke.’
Britney’s Screwed
‘NO-ONE as far as Anorak knows has died from having too much sex.
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| Is too much sex making Kevin look old before his time? |
Leslie Ash, of course, has had a pretty good go, but even the combination of husband Lee Chapman and hospital superbug MRSA wasnt enough to finish her off.
But Britney Spears could soon be staring at ceiling of the Grim Reapers bedroom if she carries on her bonkathon with fiancé Kevin Federline.
According to the National Enquirer, the singers pals are worried that excessive sex is ruining Brits health.
When Britney and Kevin were in Hawaii recently they spent most of their time in bed, says an insider, only rarely taking time out from their constant love-making to enjoy the gorgeous tropical beaches.
Nor could Britney get by on her European tour without having regular sex with Kevin.
The fact that two recently engaged twentysomethings spend most of their free time in bed together will come as little surprise to most readers.
But the Enquirer warns that their bedroom antics are taking their toll on the over-sexed pop tart whos been photographed swigging stimulants like Ginseng and Red Bull to boost her energy.
Shes beginning to look red-eyed, shes getting bags under her eyes and her once fresh face is bloated and covered with acne.
Classic signs of sex addiction, says the Enquirers pet psychologist Dr Lillian Glass.
Too much sex, like too much of anything, can be extremely hazardous to your health, she says.
For Britney, sex may have become an obsession thats consuming her every fiber.
The warning signs are all there the Enquirer publishes pictures of the 22-year-old with her erect nipples bursting through her tight top and her tongue sticking out salaciously.
And as any decent sexologist will tell you, erect nipples and lolling tongue are symptoms of an advanced stage of sex addiction.
If Britney doesnt seek help now, shell be dead in six months…’
Slut Puppy
‘WHAT Dr Ava Cadwell, renowned Beverly Hills sexologist and former Page Three stunna, thinks of Britneys erect nipples we dont know.
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| ‘You still with Divine Brown?’ |
But we do know what she thinks of Hugh Grant she thinks hes a male slut.
There are many men who are sluts, who sleep around just to prove they can perform, the good doctor tells the National Enquirer. I call them slut puppies.
No-one else in the world calls them slut puppies but, if it makes Dr Ava feel better to call them slut puppies, then so be it.
I think that Hugh hasnt found his true sexual being, she continues. He needs the variety to satisfy his exotic sexual fantasies something that one woman cannot.
So what has Hugh done to come to the attention of such a renowned Beverly Hills sexologist?
It seems that the 43-year-old has been seen out with five different women in only a few months.
Okay, so one of those five was his mum, another was his grandma and a third was his Love Actually co-star Michelle McCutcheon.
But Dr Cadwell still sees trouble in the curvy shape of 30-year-old Kasia Komorowicz, 25-year-old fitness instructor Dana Verbytska and Jemima Khan.
Its like he has to have the attention of beautiful girls all the time, she says.
A problem indeed.’
Life Of Riley
‘LISA Marie Presley is determined that her daughter Riley will never turn into a dumb twit like Paris and Nicky Hilton.
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| A head for trouble |
According to the Enquirer, Elviss 36-year-old daughter says the party-hearty Hiltons are a prime example of how NOT to raise kids.
Unlike Lisa Marie herself, for instance, who is a walking advert for Dr Spock.
To have three failed marriages behind you by the age of 36 might be normal in Hollywood, but to have Michael Jackson as one of your ex-husbands isnt.
Nevertheless, sources say Lisa Marie is determined that neither of her children 15-year-old Riley or 11-year-old Ben – will even be called a Hollywood wild-child.
Riley is downright gorgeous and is in great demand, says a source. She turns head wherever she goes. She never wants Riley to be called another Paris Hilton.
Who gives head wherever she goes…’
A Stitch In Time
‘WHEN celebrities are hospitalised, they usually return at a later date with no crows feet, a bigger bust and this years nose.
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| Nothing fishy about Leslie and Lee’s romance |
We had dared to suppose that this would be the case with Leslie Ash.
After her lengthy stay in a clinic, we imagined her re-emerging into the glare of publicity with no loose skin over her knees, teeth whiter than an albinos strapmarks and a backside that appeared to have climbed back up her legs.
And our fears were not without some grounding in reality. After all, Ash is the woman who inflated her lips into the famous trout pout.
But it seems that we were wrong – Leslie was really ill.
Of course, how she came to be in the hospital where she contracted a life-endangering superbug in the first place is something private between she and her supportive husband, but ill she was.
But now shes on the mend. And, as is the way with the celebrity set, as soon as they find their feet, they use them to walk over to the phone and call their agent.
And before you can MRSA, theyre on the plane to Ibiza with their family, a Hello! scribe and snapper in tow.
Leslie is no exception to the norm, and we catch up with her in the holiday pool, where her body is being supported in the water by caring husband Lee.
One still on and shes on the edge of the pool, resting on Lee. Then shes back on the edge of the pool, again resting on Lee, who for this shot has removed his top.
Move on, and Ash is seated on a chair, her legs curled up as she rests on Lee, who has now put his top back on.
More flashes of the camera and Leslies standing on the patio near her holiday rooms, leaning into Lee, who once again has his top off.
Indeed, so close are the couple in each shot that we wonder if husband Lee didnt come to be surgically attached to his wife when her post-operative sutures were laced in.
And then, the worry is how this closeness will interfere with their sexual gymnastics, the bedtime romps that apparently caused her to be injured and end up at deaths door, and so very close to her husband…’
