Reviews Category
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Maples’ Syrup
‘MARLA Maples is the woman who played to win and came up Donald Trumps.
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| No diamonds, no clubs – no Trump |
Only she could have done even better.
Although Marla is living in some splendour in a Spanish-style ranch house in the part of Spain widely known as California, she could have been Donalds first wife.
Then shed have been Ivana Trump, the woman whose separation from the property magnate with the interesting hair earned her what Hello! calls a divorce settlement jackpot of more than $50m.
As it is, once-bitten Donald encouraged Marla to sign a prenuptial agreement before their wedding which followed the birth of the daughter, in which he agreed to give up a mere $1m to $5m should they divorce.
Which they did.
The divorce was very difficult, says Marla. There were times long before our marriage, during our marriage and especially after our marriage when I would just cry.
Its unlikely Donald experienced the same emotion as he thought about their marriage and that pre-nup, but back then Marla was only in her twenties and Donald was far older.
Now, Marla is 40 (Donald is still far older) and, what with experience and the teachings of the Kabbalah, shes learned to handle the pain of it all.
And she is now the happiest Ive ever been in my entire life.
And why would she not be? The house may be a departure from the grandeur of an entire tower block, but divorce did at least save daughter Tiffany Trump (named after the jewellery store) the horrors of a limousine life.
Sometimes, Marla says, when there is an abundance of money, so many other things come up that can make you do and act untrue to yourself and to the person you are.
How very true! And Marla must thank her lucky stars every day that she signed that pre-nup and saved both her and her daughter from a life of unbridled luxury and extravagance.’
The Big C(elebrity)
‘TO raise breast cancer awareness, Tamara Beckwith has attached what looks like a silver foil from a two-finger KitKat wrapper to her right nipple.
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| The common cold didn’t stand a chance |
To promote the charity Breakthrough Breast Cancer, Tamara also wears a sequined mermaid-style dress and organza petal stole before moving into a laser-cut faux fur bodice and pleated tulle tiered skirt.
Against such material, cancer stands no chance at all. And we consider it very likely that, with a few more diamante studs, Tamara will have the scourge of the western world licked.
But she could do more to scare cancer away. And we turn the page and learn that Tamara doesnt have a problem being nude as long as Ive got high heels.
You can hear the cancer cells dying in their millions…’
Taylor Made
‘OF all the fascinating things we have learnt about Joanna Taylor over the past few years, the most fascinating of all is surely that her real surname is Clark.
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| And the bride wore white |
Or at least it used to be Clark because it is now Murphy after the 26-year-old actress tied the knot with Liverpool footballer Danny Murphy in Barbados.
Having tantalised us with this nugget of information, OK! gives us no reason why the former Hollyoaks star should have changed her name.
And why, having decided to change from Clark, she should have chosen something as humdrum as Taylor.
But it does tell us everything we could have wanted to know about the former Hot Stars columnists nuptials…and so, so much more besides.
For instance, we learn that the brides make-up was done using her favourite Lancome products, and she accessorised with a simple pearl necklace and bracelet set (with pearl earrings by Surrey-based jeweller Bruce Smith).
We now know that the bridesmaids, like the bride, wore a spritz of Vera Wang perfume and matching silver open-toed strappy stilettos by LK Bennett.
And we can tell you that Danny wore a trendy beige Louis Vuitton suit and baby blue shirt, while best man Steve Roberts known as Robbo wore a trendy sandy-coloured linen suit.
This is all fascinating information, as we would expect from OK!s world exclusive of the paradise wedding.
But it is the speeches that we enjoy most at any wedding and this was no exception.
We hear that Joannas father Peter (Clark) made the guests laugh with a few football innuendos about ball skills and Danny lasting 90 minutes.
And, says OK!, best man Robbos speech was equally funny. You can probably still hear them chortling in the Caribbean even now…’
Chicken Stu
‘WHEN Joanna Clark (aka Joanna Taylor) got engaged to Danny Murphy, OK! celebrated by choosing her as its cover girl for the week.
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| ‘She’ll be wearing Stuart, when she comes…’ |
But even as a blushing bride, Joanna is upstaged this week by a Big Brother exclusive the secret girl Stuarts kept from Michelle and their wedding plans.
This is heady stuff and even Posh and Becks in their heyday would have struggled to beat the two lovebirds to pole position.
However, further investigation reveals that the story is not all it Is cracked up to be.
Not only has Stuart kept this girl secret from Michelle, but it seems that hes also kept it secret from OK!, which makes no more mention of her inside.
And as for the couples wedding plans, it would be fair to say that OK! wont be rushing out to buy a hat and a couple of dozen rolls of film just yet.
Stuarts friend Tom Cumberbirch explains: Getting married and having kids are definitely in his plans, but they are still a few years down the line.
And will it be Michelle who walks down the aisle with him when he does eventually get round to it?
Not if past performance has got anything to do with it.
Stuart has a real thing for intellectual girls, says Tom. Its his thing and even at school he would pursue the really intelligent girls they would be good-looking too, but he really likes a smart woman.
Then again, for all we know about Michelle, she could be an intellectual.
After all, her friend Kelly Wilce insists that casual sex is just not her thing.
Something that will come as something of a surprise to anyone who has watched her desperately try to, er, pluck her chicken over the past few weeks.’
Laughing At Her Expanse
‘WE can only imagine that OK!s decision to put a cover picture of Jessie Wallace beside its feature How To Get A Stunning Celebrity Body is a cruel joke on the magazines part.
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| Even the biggest strumpet can pull at perfectman.com |
And now is not a good time for making cruel jokes at Jessies expense (or indeed her expanse) the EastEnders actress is still smarting from her break-up with fiancé Dave Morgan.
So we doubt she will be amused to find that the exclusive article in which she pours her heart out about the split is positioned next to an advert for a new show called Perfect Man.
In the programme, Kate Marlow gives advice on relationship etiquette to a group of nine men, one of whom may or may not be Jessies former soulmate, PC Dave.
Kates tips for transforming men include dividing up household chores and giving them a list of their responsibilities, ignoring them when theyre in a bad mood and encouraging them to participate in conversations.
We also suggest asking them to stop their mates selling made-up stories to the papers…’
The Wild One
‘YOU can’t libel the dead – but, boy, can you ever lionise them.
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| ‘I coulda been a contender’ |
And in which week’s Enquirer we learn the incredible news that a 400lb man climaxed eight times in one night.
Even when we learn that the sperm whale in question was a 73-year-old Marlon Brando, we still find the news hard to believe.
But we at Anorak have learnt from experience that you can trust Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss to tell the truth (and keep a secret) and, when she says Brando managed it eight times in one night, we take notice.
‘Marlon left me wanting more – he was one of the best lovers I’ve ever had,’ says Fleiss, who adds that romping with the Oscar-winning actor was a ‘dream come true’.
‘He was absolutely amazing. He went all night. I was shocked. Eventually, when the sun came up, I was the one to tell him, ‘I have to go’.’
This is some praise from a woman engaged in the sex industry, in a country where stamina in the sack is prized so highly.
And Brando’s headstone gets another polish when Fleiss compares him to another Hollywood randy old man, sorry, smouldering lothario.
‘Jack Nicholson lives just across the street and I know that house pretty well too,’ says Fleiss, ‘but I thought Marlon was far dirtier than Jack.’
Of course he was – have you ever seen a 400lb man trying to wash his body? It’s no easy task. Dirt comes easy to the large of bone.
But that eight-times-a-night record makes us wonder. Was there a method to his madness – was Marlon getting in part to star as the main act in the biopic of five-times a night Ralph Halpern’s life?
Or was there something more to it? You see, during this marathon eight-hour love session, Brando kept doing something that struck even a well-educated woman like Fleiss as a little odd, perverse even.
‘He was eating grapes in between what we were doing,’ says she. ‘I thought that was a little odd, almost like he was on a diet.’
Since Brando’s diet seems to have consisted of eating something more fattening than fruit, the grapes take on a mysterious quality.
And makes us wonder if there was, perhaps, something on them or in them that supported Brando’s love making? In other words, were those grapes seeded?’
The Green-Eyed Monster
‘ONE man who has no need of Marlon Brando’s grapes is Latin actor Antonio Banderas.
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| Mel kept Antonio in a killer armlock |
Unlike Brando, he also has no need of call girls since he’s married to the woman with a head for business and a body for sin, Melanie Griffith.
And right now the couple are in Spain, loving, listening, canoodling and doing whatever it takes to ‘renew their marriage’.
The Enquirer reports that there has been trouble in paradise, problems which began earlier this year when Melanie accused her man of having an affair with Emma Thompson, his co-star in the movie Imagining Argentina.
Antonio’s response was to tell his wife how insecure she was, how she was embarrassing herself and to ask himself how much more of her jealousy he could take.
So she decided to test his limits by going ‘nuts’ when he was photographed with his arm around jewellery designer Claudia Hammer at a film festival in Sicily.
So they are now in Spain for a few weeks, doing those Spanish things that will make them fall in love anew and encourage her to stop worrying about his flirtatious nature and to prevent him from even thinking about cheating.
Things like walking on the beach, shopping in markets, watching the bullfighter chop off the bull’s testículos and so on…’
Musical Statues
‘REPORTS have reached the ears of Anorak that something unusual has been spotted on the contentious fourth plinth that occupies one corner of Trafalgar Square.
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| ‘And breathe out…’ |
A mystery man has been seen standing atop the plinth, dressed in red trunks, pushing out his manly chest and sucking in his tight stomach as he surveys the fountain beneath Nelson’s column for any swimmers in distress.
In itself, this would be no more than a curiosity in a city of millions, but we note that the same figure has been sighted atop the ancient London Wall, strutting about like a demented marionette and singing in German as he encouraged passers-by to tear the wall down.
And then the Enquirer reminds us that David Hasselhoff is in London for a stint as Billy Flynn in the hot West End show Chicago.
Any David fans who want to catch their hero in performance can get along to the Aldephi Theatre on the Strand – or hop along to George Gilbert Scott’s Albert Memorial, where a man in red trucks has recently taken to sitting on the great man’s knee…’
Miss Keira Knightley
‘ANORAK has recently received a censure from the Press Complaints Commission, which we are obliged to publish in full.
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| The exquisite Miss Knightley |
But we are never happy to leave a snook uncocked, so we’re just going to give you a brief paraphrase of the ruling.
It appears that over the past couple of months we have not featured nearly enough of Keira Knightley in our modest publication.
In fact, we have slipped below the required minimum 7.5% of editorial space that the PCC code of practice stipulates must be devoted to the 19-year-old actress.
And what is more we have not featured a single photo of the ‘beautiful, funny, down-to-earth and utterly charming’ (Hello!’s words, not ours) starlet.
We unreservedly apologise to the PCC, our readers and Miss Knightley for our oversight, which we are only too happy to rectify.
Readers wanting to see yet more of the positively delightful (our word, not Hello!’s) Miss Knightley are advised to go to their nearest newsagent’s where they should find her face on the cover of every magazine.
It’s the law, didn’t you know?’
Celebrity Wife Swap
‘EVERYONE makes mistakes and even our friends at Hello! magazine aren’t immune from the odd gaffe.
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| How Hello! was taken in |
Who, for instance, can forget the time that they described the Countess of Rutland’s 16th Century country pile as ‘sumptuous’ when we all knew that the mot juste was ‘exquisite’?
Or the time that a printing error caused talented Oscar-winning actress Catherine Zeta Jones to be referred to as ‘an upwardly mobile old Welsh windbag’?
Those kinds of things can happen to anyone, but it has to be said that they do seem to have made a real doosie this week.
It appears that they have got some of their guests mixed up, pairing 44-year-old Casualty actor Maxwell Caulfield with 62-year-old actress Juliet Mills and 72-year-old TV personality Des O’Connor with 35-year-old singer Jodie Brooke Wilson.
It’s a straightforward mistake and one which, if we were being charitable, we would say that anyone could make.
But surely looking at the pictures of the two couples should have started the alarm bells ringing in the Hello! offices.
Juliet’s face has more lines than on it than Danniella Westbrook’s coffee table, while Maxwell still looks the spitting image of the Miles character he played in The Colbys.
As for Des, he may look as young a 72-year-old as has ever come out of a plastic surgeon’s consulting rooms, but – come on – he’s hardly likely to be the father of Jodie’s unborn baby.
Luckily for Hello!, the two ‘couples’ seem very happy to go along with the pretence.
Maxwell explains that he had ‘always been drawn to people with maturity and wisdom’, while Jodie claims that Des has much more energy than her.
‘You should have seen him on holiday in Barbados,’ she says. ‘He was up on the dancefloor in the nightclub like John Travolta ’til two in the morning.’
Ha, ha! Very funny. Now, Jodie you go home to Max and, Juliet, you go home to Des and stop messing about, the lot of you…’
A Right Shower
‘THE great thing about being a celebrity, even a D-lister like TV presenter and model Kate Chapman, is that you get to have celebrity friends.
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| Beverley always wanted the job of farming correspondent |
Admittedly, not ones than anyone’s ever heard of, but then who had heard of Kate before they opened this week’s Hello! magazine?
Kate, we are helpfully reminded, is ‘best known as Ian Wright’s co-host from the 1999 TV show Guinness World Records’ – which does beg the question of what she’s worst known for.
But she’s about to give birth to her first child with 37-year-old Jason Durr, who ‘famously played the lead role of Mike Bradley in ITV’s Heartbeat’.
And that’s excuse enough for Hello! to drop in on Kate’s baby shower, held at myhotel in Chelsea and see who else is around.
Why, there’s model agency owner Sandy Easby, sitting beside Professor Caroline Flint, of the Royal College of Midwives; that’ll be actress Neve McIntosh trying to wrestle a scone out of the hands of footwear designer Tracey Neuls.
And who could miss the sparkling face of journalist Beverley Turner chatting to Kate as nutritionist Alli Godbold and TV presenter Richard Randall look on.
But who’s that sitting on their own the back of the room? ‘Friend’ Pam Wilde – ‘a mine of information for a first-time mum,’ says Kate.
A woman without a title, say we – and very soon, we’ll wager, an ex-friend unless she pulls her socks up and does something about that.’
Kevin The Rat
‘KEVIN is not a name you immediately associate with love and romance.
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| Britney – fed a line? |
And even after hearing Britney Spears enthuse about her Kevin, one Kevin Federline, to whom she’s engaged to be married, the link seems a little tenuous.
For starters, she proposed to him. While we applaud her pluck – and the marketing team that transformed a plain girl into a superstar – and rave about her free mind and girl power, things look shaky when we hear Kevin’s reply: no.
He turned her down. Not because he’d seen the way she behaved with husband No.1 Jason Alexander and thought that marriage might be less the start and more the end of their love affair, but – according to OK! – because he wanted to do things right.
So he waited a couple of minutes after her proposal and then made his own. And she accepted.
Which meant that the next step was to get the ring. And here’s where traditional Kevin wised up.
He’s a quick learner is Kevin, and he knew that he was set to marry a women who knew her own mind – so rather than spend his dough on a token of his love, he let her get her own engagement ring.
And, boy, is it ever a huge and tacky rock – or what a girl from the middle of America calls ‘simple and elegant’, ‘gorgeous and classic’.
Middle America might heap much the same plaudits on Kevin, although in Britain a man who walked out on his pregnant girlfriend and child would be a love rat.
And that’s a funny thing, because the one Kevin we all know in this country had a friend who was a rat, called Roland.
Of course, Kevin was a gerbil…’
No Holes Barred
‘DANNIELLA Westbrook’s autobiography will be a no-holds barred work – and a no-holes barred book.
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| One nostril good, two nostrils bad |
In this still-to-be-written tome, Danniella will introduce stage-by-stage pictures of her nose operation.
‘So many people ask me about it… so I thought I might as well just put it all in there and that way there’s no need to talk about it again,’ says Danniella.
Although very noble and educational, we feel it is only fair to point out to the actress that, if we all know everything there is to know about the nose, the nose’s owner may no longer hold any interest for us.
Former blonde soap stars with a CV that says ‘Reality TV’ are hardly thin on the ground, but equip the girl with a large hole in her face and you have a celebrity worthy of an OK! spread.
This, however, is Danniella’s story, not ours, and she’ll be free to include in it whatever she likes.
So, look out for the time she was given just two weeks to live (not by the EastEnders casting director or Dr Legg, but by a genuine medical man), and countless fascinating stories about her dogs, her husband, her house, her chests, her addiction to cocaine and her…
Well, her nose. Which thanks to the book, we will never need to mention again…’
Jonny On The Spot
‘REMEMBER Jonny Regan? Jonny? The Jonster? Regan? JR? The Geordie no-hoper from Big Brother past? The one who thought he could sing…?
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| ‘Okay, you’ve got two guesses’ |
At this point it is customary for the tea-lady at Anorak Towers, the delightful Mr Winton, to carry on listing Jonny Regan’s roll of lifetime achievements until we finally recall something about the man.
She will then nod and routinely say how we’ll never guess what happened to him – and, before we have had a go at proving her wrong, she’ll tell us how he died horribly just the other week.
But we suddenly remember Jonny without any further prodding, and note, with OK’s help, that he has just married his true love, Joanne Llewellyn.
That’s Joanne in the white dress, just to the left of Kate Lawler, the blonde who met Jonny on the set of Big Brother, and to the right of Alison Hammond, who met him on the same show.
At either end of the line up are Lynne Moncrieff, who also appeared on that show, and Sophie Davey, who did likewise.
And one page on, there’s former Big Brother contestant Lee Davey, now married to Sophie Davey, and his co-star PJ Ellis.
And there’s Justine Sellman (who appeared on a later edition of Big Brother) along with Jon Tickle, who did the same.
The effect makes us wonder who we’d like to vote out of the wedding first. But before we can, we’ve turned the page over and learned that Jonny would like Nadia to win this year’s show.
Apparently, there’s a bit of wedding cake going and it’s got her name on. So hurry up and get out of the house, Nadia – a friendship with Johnny Somethingorother awaits…’
The ‘C’ Word
‘ERIC Douglas called Catherine Zeta Jones many things during his life, but my dear sister-in-law does not appears to have been one of them.
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| ‘C’ & ‘A’ |
In fact, according to the National Enquirer, the troubled half-brother of Michael Douglas hated the actress as much as he hated the rest of his family.
He got angry each time Catherine reached out to him, friend John Cohan explains.
What she saw as offering help, Eric believed was a condescending hand that would be snatched away the moment he reached for it.
He called her a bitch and he also called her the c word.
As her name is Catherine, the c word hardly seems inappropriate.
But it didnt end there showing an impressive grasp of geography for a Yank, he also referred to her as that snooty broad from Britain.
Not so impressive after being rebuffed in attempts to borrow money, he once complained: Michaels Jewish and shes Scottish together theyre the world’s cheapest couple.
And that was more than Catherine could bear. Im Welsh, not Scottish, she shouted out in that mid-Atlantic accent that weve grown to love so much.
[For the benefit of our American readers, Wales is a particularly grotty, sheep-infested part of London, while Scotland is a small island off the north coast of Britain inhabited exclusively by men in skirts.]
Eric also claimed, apparently, that Michael was besotted by his wife, whose one ambition was to be the Queen of Tinseltown, and neither of them would care if he starved to death.
That is of course complete nonsense the Enquirer says Catherine wept when she heard that the body of Kirk Douglass youngest son had been found in his New York apartment.
According to a family insider, she shook her head and said: What a wasted life!
And with that, she went back to polishing her Oscar and counting her and Michaels millions…’
Crash Test Dummies
‘AS its name implies, the National Enquirer has something of an inquiring mind.
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| New pictures suggest JFK Jnr may have survived the crash |
Even a 1,000-page report by the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) couldnt convince it that pilot error was to blame for the plane crash that killed JFK Jnr, his wife and her sister.
It has undertaken an exhaustive investigation of its own into the tragedy that took place five years ago today (July 16) and uncovered shocking new evidence.
It says that a mobile phone call made by Carolyn Bessette (Mrs JFK Jnr) four and a half minutes before the crash was the true cause of the disaster.
And for proof, it has spoken to not one, but two, people who are experts in the field.
One, a veteran pilot who is not named, says that to use a cell phone on an approach like that could cause a disaster.
The other, Ric Peri, vice-president of take a deep breath – Government & Industry Affairs for Aircraft Electronics Association, agrees that mobile phones can confuse the autopilot system.
There you have it the NTSB spends thousands of dollars and uses up 1,000 pages of A4 on a mystery that the Enquirer solves with two phone calls and a single page of this weeks magazine.
At a time when President Bush is undertaking a fundamental overhaul of Americas intelligence agencies, perhaps we might see the Enquirers investigative team given the central role they so clearly deserve.’
Aisle, Be Damned
‘FROM the truth about Jordans pregnancy in OK! she isnt we turn to Christina Aguileras pregnancy shocker in the National Enquirer neither is she.
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| Christina wondered why Madonna tasted of cheap booze |
Anorak really is carving a little niche for itself as the magazine that brings you news of whos not up the duff FIRST! Well, actually second…but, hey, whos counting?
Whos counting? The Enquirer, thats who its counting down the days until Britney gets married (apparently as early as next month) and wondering if Christina will beat her down the aisle.
In fact, we foresee an ugly scramble as the pair rivals since they appeared together on the Mickey Mouse Club fight to get to the altar first.
Dont think for a second that Christina wouldnt move her plans ahead in a hurry if she knew it would make Britney look like she was a day late and a dollar short, says a source.
These are performers who thrive on getting one over on the other.
Thats all very well, but we rather think that its Christina and her boyfriend Jordan Bratman who are a day late and a dollar short.
Britney has caught Christina napping by sneaking in one marriage already this year.
And so desperate is she to get a 2-0 head-start on her rival that she is apparently willing to tie the knot with Kevin Federline without signing a pre-nup.
Big mistake, says litigation attorney David Scharf.
Depending on the state in which they get married, he says, she could be at risk to lose as much as half of her assets.
As for that, our money is again on a drunken state…’
The Jackson Three
‘WHEN I first heard her tiny yelp, I collapsed into tears and, when she continued crying, it dawned on me that she was going to be all right.
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| ‘Heard the one about John Leslie?’ |
No, not Lance talking about his wife Ulrika Jonsson. Nor Ulrika talking about Nancy Dell’Olio. But Ulrika talking about her new baby daughter, Martha Sky Hope.
Celebritydoms answer to EastEnders Carol Jackson now has three children by three different fathers (divorced, ran, surviving), and wants the world to know it.
So shes struck up a conversation with Hello! amid the tiger-print cushion covers of her home in Cookham Dean, Berkshire, dangled Martha on her knee and begun to tell all.
The reigning Celebrity Mum of The Year tells us that just two weeks before the birth date (Ulrika had a Caesarean) and, with mum-to-bes foot in plaster, she and Lance discovered that Martha was breach.
We just looked at each other and laughed, says Ulrika. What do we do for an encore? we thought.
But, ever the pros, come back for more they did. And now get ready to laugh until your stitches hurt for a second time.
When the operation was taking place, we had Van Morrisons Moondance playing in the background and Lance was singing along and trying to make light of the situation.
Doubtless the nurses and midwifes sang along too, the surgeon inserting the scalpel as Vans leaves fell off those trees, causing much merriment to all and perhaps inspiring the medical staff to shape Ulrikas post-operative scar into a wide grin.
And then Martha was released, the Gerrard-Wright-Jonssons went home and it was time for Cameron and Bo, Ulrikas children from two of her previous romances, to meet Martha.
Cameron has suddenly grown up, says Ulrika of that magic moment. When he saw Martha he didnt say anything. He just welled up with the wonder of it all.
And gave a tiny yelp…’
A Plumby Cluff
‘IF you are going to drop a name, make sure its one that will cause eyebrows to pop up like a frisky hamster.
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| ‘Call me Algy’ |
In this weeks Hello! weve been treated to Bo, one Martha Sky Hope, one sandwich-like Hero and a Shakespearean Tybalt.
But now steel yourselves, dear reader, because Hello! attended something called the Conservative Garden Party at the home of Tory Party Treasurer Lord Hesketh.
And there, the mag stumbled upon (in tongue and foot) some of the assembled blues.
Michael Howard was there. William Shawcross was also there. As was Fritz Von Westenholtz.
And Antonia Frasiers son Orlando was in attendance. And so too was Algy. Yes, Algy. Its not everyday you get to hear of an Algy, even in polite society.
But while we are glad to see his inclusion in the roll of honour, we are sad to see that Hello! has omitted to show us all a photo of what this Algy – or indeed any other Algy – looks like.
But while we try to imagine Algys chin (and he tries to grow one), we suddenly realise the full effect. This is no ordinary Algy this is Algy, brother of Blondell Cluff.
But theres no shot of Blondell either – so well just have to take Hello!s word for it that this rare breed exists…’
Eternity And Beyond
‘LETS face it, its hard enough for two human beings to stay together for life – Britney Spears cant even manage it for the lifespan of a particularly sickly mayfly.
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| ‘Ooops! I did it again’ |
But these days, it appears that even life is not enough couples now have to pledge themselves to each other for eternity.
Time was when girls would be more than happy as long as the groom had all his limbs, a nice car and a bit of cash, as well of course as a good-looking best mate.
As for blokes, they were even more easily pleased – a full head of hair and the ability to give a decent blow job was qualification enough for any prospective bride.
But all thats changed in 2004 you cant even walk down the aisle unless its to marry your soulmate.
What that means we have no idea, but we assume were talking here about a relationship that even death itself cannot part, a union for eternity.
Certainly, thats what Nick Bailey, EastEnders Dr Anthony Trueman is gearing up for after marrying his soulmate Lisa Fratta.
That is to death and beyond, he tells OK!, sounding like a white tuxedo-clad Bud Lightyear.
The love at the centre of the relationship keeps it going. The marriage is just the icing on a very solid cake.
And breaking their teeth on Nick and Lisas very solid wedding cake at Sudeley Castle were a galaxy of stars, including such luminaries as Les Dennis and Paul Ross.
Paul married his soulmate Jackie only a month ago and the day brought back happy memories for one of Britains most talented TV and radio performers brother.
Jackie and I both started blubbing during the ceremony, he told OK!
But Les was there on his own his marriage to soulmate Amanda Holden of course broke up after she temporarily found a new soulmate in Neil Morrissey.
Nevertheless, he had kind words to say about the bride and groom This is really perfect, he said, and Nick and Lisa are a fantastic couple.
And they will no doubt carry on being a fantastic couple to eternity and beyond…’
Bunton And On And On
‘WE check the giant Vanessa Feltz calendar covering up a particularly nasty bit of mould here in the basement of Anorak Towers and can confirm that today has a y in it.
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| ‘I’ll take off my top if you buy my record’ |
You know what that means another day with a y in it, another Emma Bunton re-launch.
The artist formerly known as Baby Spice (and now known as the blonde one who used to be in the Spice Girls) has been repackaged more times than an unwelcome pair of Christmas socks.
But still she keeps coming back for more, determined to do what none of the other Spice Girls have managed and have a successful solo career.
And OK! is there to applaud her every step of the way.
Out go the baby doll clothes, freckles and bunches, it says (in an intro that could have appeared in any edition of the magazine over the past five years), and in comes a new sleek sophisticated style.
It looks as if Emma Bunton has outgrown her Baby Spice nickname and that these days Supermodel Spice would be a far more appropriate label.
In the past we have noted that Emmas desperation to make it as a solo artist is in inverse proportion to the amount of clothing she wears.
It is like she is playing a game of strip poker with her career and, as very single flops and every album limps into the lower reaches of the chart, she has to take off another piece of clothing.
So, when we hear simultaneously that Emma has been promoting her new album, Free Me, and drawing admiring glances at Milan Fashion Week, we immediately draw the obvious conclusion.
Its one thing for the girls on the catwalk to wear next to nothing, Emma, but Italy just isnt ready yet for members of the audience to turn up starkers.’
The Puddingless Club
‘IS Jordan pregnant? No. There you are thatll save you the £2 it costs for a copy of OK! magazine, in which the big-titted model finally reveals the truth about my pregnancy.
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| Jen shows off her Trollopes |
And nor is Jennifer Ellison. Or Jodie Marsh. Or the Cheeky Girls, Abi Titmuss, or Lisa Scott Lee (although she did turn up to Jens 21st birthday wearing baby blues).
See Anorak is first with celebrity non-pregnancy news AND THATS OFFICIAL!
Other non-pregnant stars at Jennifers birthday party (held at Jewel in Londons West End) include Darren Days former soulmate Adele Vellacott, glamour model Natalie Denning and Lucy Bolster.
But what the party lacked in progesterone, it more than made up for in silicone with Hells Kitchen colleagues Jen and Abi both showing off their heat resistant pair for the benefit of the waiting photographers.
And the boys from Phixx were also there four bigger manufactured tits its hard to imagine.’
No Hassel
‘MISSING – feared drunk.
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| The Hoff-meister |
Please be on the look-out for a white middle-aged male with brown hair (head, chest, legs and back) brown sunglasses, denim jacket (collar up), brown loafers (no socks) and hero complex.
David Hasselhoff, aka Michael Knight, aka Mitch Buchannon, aka Hassel the Hoff is at large.
If you see this man – perhaps he’ll be standing on a wall and singing to himself in German – do not approach him or attempt to strike up a conversation.
Immediately contact the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation centre in Utah.
That’s where, according to the National Enquirer, the man with the million-mile stare should be.
Only he’s not, because having been booked into the exclusive clinic for three months in a bid to eradicate his alcohol problems, Hasselhoff checked out early.
And that’s not good enough, because the Enquirer has it that the last time Hasselhoff failed to last the course he fell off the wagon which such a bang he nearly died.
So we need your help. And, boy, was that ever fast. Our sources tell us that Dave is set to appear under the pseudonym Billy Flynn.
From July 12, Hasselhoff, aka Billy, will be appearing in Chicago at a London theatre. No, you fools, come back – not in Chicago, but in the play.
We hope the medics can reach him in time and so save him, the day, the matinee and the evening show from disaster.
Because if he isn’t returned to the clinic, The Hassel just might die.
Although, admittedly, dying on stage is something he might have to get used to…’
Petty Woman
‘AFTER hearing all about Julia Roberts’ interesting womb a few weeks back, we now learn about her fascinating glands and how she is ravaged by hormones.
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| ‘I’m feeling ornery, orny, orny, ornery’ |
A pal of the medical marvel says: ‘She’s extremely ornery and fighting with those around her, especially Danny and his family.’
Danny is Danny Moder, Julia’s current husband; and ornery means cantankerous, disagreeable and ravaged by hormones.
But versatile doesn’t just do ornery – she can do clingy just as well, or indeed, mucilaginous, as her entourage may well say.
‘She seems to break down in tears for no reason at all and wants him [Danny] to be at her side constantly,’ says the same pal who gave us ornery.
But Danny can’t – or won’t – always be there for her. Because Danny doesn’t want to be known as Mr Julia Roberts, husband to the ornery, hormone-ravaged, blubbing, screeching, walking strip of cling film; he wants to be Danny Moder DP, cinema photographer of international repute.
So he’s left Julia in Europe – that expanse of land to the east of New York – where she’s filming Ocean’s 12, and flown to Portland, Maine, for a job on the coming-to-a-bargain-bucket-near-you flick Straight Out Of Compton 2.
Danny, the story goes, is keen to gain a credit as the film’s Director of Photography (that DP), a big deal in the movie business.
But even a moment’s absence for her hubby makes the hormones rage, so Julia and her progesterone, calcitonin and cortisol all flew to Portland to be with Danny.
And then, 48 hours later, the actress flew back to Rome, leaving Danny behind.
And her celebrity hormones jet-lagged…’
Pop Goes The T-Shirt
‘TIME now to mention two things that caught our eye in this week’s Enquirer.
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| Sharon Stone in Casino |
First, we have noticed that, despite the constant news that Sharon Stone is in some way gorgeous, we who have seen Coronation Street note her startling resemblance to that show’s Deirdre Rashid.
Mentally remove Deirdre’s glasses, tussle her hair, take off her supportive knickers and you have Manchester’s very own basic instinct.
If that were not enough – and for many it is already too much – we’ve noticed another trend: the dad worship T-shirt.
In a previous week’s Enquirer, Elizabeth Jagger was pictured sporting a Ringo Starr T-shirt while on a date with Sean Lennon, the son of Ringo’s fellow former Beatle John Lennon.
(We know Ringo is not Sean’s dad, but the weird closeness to dad John is there.)
We now note how actress Selma Blair, who’s married to Ahmed Zappa, is wearing a T-shirt with a shot of Ahmed’s dad Frank Zappa on the front.
Which suggests that the cliche now runs: been there, done that, got the T-shirt…of your dad.
Which might not be the most wholesome image to look at while eyeing your girlfriend’s chest…’
