Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
White Teeth
‘IF Paul Gascoigne is wondering how ex-wife Sheryl has spent the money he gave her as part of their divorce settlement, we have a pretty good idea.
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| Black and blue is the colour |
Judging by the photos of Shezza is this week’s Hello!, we would say that a significant part of the lump sum payment has gone on teeth whitening.
In fact, so white are the teeth in question that we wonder whether there was any change at all out of the £660,000 that Gazza handed over six years ago.
Sheryl says there was – she says she used the money to buy a home for herself and the children.
And she invites Hello! to said home, therein to give her side of the story of her tempestuous relationship with the former England footballer…and of course to show off her teeth.
However, judging by her account of the beatings she was given during their seven-year relationship, it’s a wonder she’s got any teeth left.
‘I am tired of hearing about what a great guy and father he is,’ she says. ‘The Paul we know is different from the Paul the public knows.’
For instance, she recounts how the football legend beat her up just before her sister’s wedding in the early 1990s.
‘He only stopped because he felt my blood on his hand,’ she recalls. ‘He left me in a heap and I was physically unable to go to my sister’s wedding.’
And she recounts how he even hit her while she was pregnant with the couple’s son, Regan.
‘He had me up against the wall and ordered me to have an abortion,’ she says. ‘I was scared, but decided to have my baby.’
Finally, a tabloid paper published pictures of Sheryl’s beaten face and dislocated fingers after a well-documented bust-up at the Gleneagles Hotel in 1996.
‘That was the last time he hit me, but it most certainly wasn’t the first – or the worst,’ she says.
If Wayne Rooney is being touted as the new Gazza, all we can say is that we feel very sorry for Colleen McLoughlin…’
In Memoriam
‘HOW do you remember Princess Diana? What do you mean ‘who’? Princess Diana. The Queen of Hearts. The People’s Princess. Died seven long, painful years ago.
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| And still the tears flow… |
Nope? Oh, well – the rest of us have our individual ways of remembering the woman who wouldn’t be queen.
For instance, at Anorak Towers we have to walk down the Diana Memorial Stairs every morning as we descend to our basement office.
Every morning that is except the morning of August 31 when each year we throw ourselves down the stairs instead in memory of the dearly departed.
However, others remember Diana in different ways. There is, for instance, the new Diana Memorial Fountain in London’s Hyde Park, built for a mere £3.6m (raised by selling teddy bears left at the gates of Kensington Palace in the weeks after that fateful night).
Hello! doesn’t need a fountain – or, more accurately, a sloping stone ring – to remember the woman who brought so much sunlight into people’s lives and so much money into its coffers.
Unfortunately, deadlines meant that it couldn’t be at the official opening of the memorial, but it has no doubt that the ceremony was a ‘moving’ one.
As for the fountain itself, the magazine does not express an opinion other than to say that opinion is divided – some critics calling it a ‘storm drain’, others ‘sleek, contemporary and elegant’.
One visitor even told Hello!: ‘It doesn’t look very beautiful and it doesn’t remind me of Diana. I came especially to see it and was disappointed.’
We at Anorak must disagree – we also went especially to see it and it reminded us exactly of Diana.
Shallow, ludicrously expensive, wet, moving round in circles and serving no real purpose…’
A Lack Of Focus
‘HEIDI Klum is ‘not focused on how I look’. ‘The baby is my priority,’ she tells Hello! magazine.
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| ‘I am not focused on how I look’ |
But the supermodel has still managed to lose nearly 30lb in just 34 days since she gave birth.
And, as she went for a stroll in the New York sunshine with boyfriend Seal, she ‘showed off an enviable post-natal figure’.
How has she managed this while not being focused on how she looks, you ask.
Well, she does five workouts a week and keeps to a strict diet that allows her between 1,700 to 2,000 calories a day.
‘I still don’t fit into any of my jeans,’ she complains, although of course she is not focused on that and her priority is of course the baby.
By the way, Heidi, the baby’s name is Leni.’
Chinese Take-Away
‘THIS year David Furnish and his partner Elton John decided on an Imperial Chinese theme for their annual ball.
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| ‘Next year we’ll all have an Indian, Liz’ |
We who have been to the Imperial Chinese can vouch for the lovely No.53 with clam sauce, fantastic crispy duck for two and a rice stickier than Bill Wyman’s sticky fingers.
But surely as delicious as Mr Woo’s delicacies are, Elton John with his millions can do better than a take-away.
But no, Elton is nothing if not the Watford boy at heart and so the Imperial Chinese it was.
And that leads us to the next big surprise. Anyone who has ever sucked the juice from Mr Woo’s ribs knows that his food is as hard to forget as it is to remove from your clothes.
But still Elton and David suggested guests arrived at their ball in White Tie & Tiara.
Elton, who doesn’t look like the neatest eater on the block, rocked up in a white bowtie, white shirt, white waistcoat and white cuffs.
Rod Stewart, ever the risk-taker, is seen posing alongside Elton in a white jacket, white tie, white shirt and whiter than white teeth.
But call it age catching up with him or whatever, but Rod was taking few chances and can be seen sporting a martini glass-shaped finger bowl in one hands and wrapping his right arm around girlfriend Penny Lancaster’s waist – so putting her napkin of a dress to good use.
Natalie Imbruglia wore black – which was sensible dress for gorging on the No.25 with black bean sauce.
And Kylie Minogue wore a dress with every colour on it, so complimenting the exquisite carved radishes and sculptured carrots that accompany each of Mr Woo’s dishes.’
All About ME
‘BEFORE David Beckham was blonde, Ian Walker was greasing his sun-kissed locks behind his ears and playing in goal for Tottenham Hotspur.
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| ‘That’s enough about ME. What do you think about ME?’ |
And before Victoria Beckham showed us round her wonderful life, Ian’s spouse Suzi was telling us all about her china leopard statuette and how she’d never used the coffee machine in her immaculate kitchen.
Channel 4’s Cutting Edge documentary programme entitled Footballer’s Wives was a huge success and had at its heart Suzi, her blonde highlights, her coffee machine and interiors that said a hundred shades of beige.
Now she’s back in the limelight to tell us and OK! what it’s like being Suzi in 2004, and to play the role of dummy in OK!’s ‘exclusive’ photo shoot.
Yes, folks, the tabloids can wave their chequebooks at Suzi, but she knows that, when it comes to telling her amazing story the way she wants it told, only one publication will do – and until Readers Wives takes the bait, OK! will have to suffice.
But Suzi’s days as a glamour mo-del are well and truly behind her (or at least drooping round her waist).
The inspiration for Footballs Wives’ Chardonnay has never had her plastic chest catch fire.
But she has suffered. For a long while she had ME, the so-called yuppie flu, (as opposed to ME!, the celebrity disease).
‘At one stage,’ says Suzi, ‘I was virtually at death’s door. I was so weak I couldn’t life my arms up.’
But things changed. Suzi got better. And given a second chance, Suzi vowed to make the most of her life.
So she now lives in Surrey, has her nails done every week, goes to the gym for arm-strengthening exercises and has ‘weekly blow-dries’.
She’s grabbing life by the horns is Suzi, and one day, who knows, she may even find out how her famous coffee machine works…’
Dry Rot ‘n’ Roll
‘IN the middle of OK! is a pair of staples. And if you tug on them hard, an insert fall out called Hot Stars.
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| ‘Okay, guys. Don’t mob me!’ |
This is OK! for the cynics, the reminder to all the celebs fawned over and brown-nosed in the magazine proper that they are only moments away from being destroyed by that which created them.
So this week we get Hot Stars looking at Kate Moss’s red-raw spots, a section entitled ‘EMBARRASSING DADS’, in which Guy Ritchie and Richard Madeley feature prominently, and an interview with Alex Sibley.
Alex’s fame credentials include his appearance on Big Brother (he lost), an outing on Blind Date (he won a trip to Dubai) and taking two bottles of Domestos into the shower that his housemates had just crapped in.
He’s now working as a housing officer. We’re not sure what that is, but Alex is happy to do it.
‘It’s nice to have a normal, real job,’ says he. ‘I’m also going to college to learn about dry rot and stuff like that. ‘
So that’s what a housing officer is – a failed estate agent. Alex has achieved the impossible!
He has moved sideways from the lowest rung of celebrity’s ladder to swim with the employment plankton.
Oh, and he plays tennis on Wednesdays. But not on Tuesdays, Mondays or even Thursdays. Which is odd, but something Hot Stars thinks is not worth looking into any deeper.
Would OK! ever be so slack?’
Til Girth Do Us Part
‘WHEN we say our marriage vows, we promise to take our beloved for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health.
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| She’s like all the Bond Girls rolled into one |
Of course, we dont mean a word of it its just not very romantic to say until someone better comes along or, in Britneys case, until I sober up.
But nowhere in the traditional marriage ceremony will you find the words for fatter, for thinner and quite right too.
Our forefathers were a clever bunch and they wanted a get-out clause in case todays Vanessa Nimmo is tomorrows Vanessa Feltz or Orlando Bloom balloons to the size of Orlando, Florida.
Its one thing committing ourselves to stick with our partner after theyve emptied the joint account, contracted a particularly nasty rash and started finding Chris Moyles attractive.
Its quite another to have to lie back as the human equivalent of, well, the aforementioned Chris Moyles climbs on board and starts jigging around for all theyre worth.
And judging by the picture of Keely Shaye Smith in this weeks National Enquirer, Pierce Brosnan must be pretty happy that his ancestors showed such foresight.
We have mentioned in these pages before that Keely was, well, a little on the large side these days after personally eating every morsel of the couples six-tier wedding cake.
But it doesnt appear that Keely will be satisfied until she can sit on one end of a see-saw and send Kirstie Alley flying into the stratosphere.
The Enquirer has a picture of 007 actor Brosnan carrying son Paris out of an ice cream parlour in Malibu, followed a step or two behind by Keely carrying you guessed it an ice cream.
But the bad news for Keely is that she still has a way to go to achieve her ambition Kirstie Alley is currently tipping the scales at 307lb…and growing.
I know how I got fat, he recently told a TV interviewer. I know what I did in my life to get fat. I ate too much.
Shhh! No giving away your secrets now…’
Breaking Up…And Out
‘I CANT take any more, sobbed Britney and she wasnt talking about the half-empty packet of Krispy Kremes in front of her.
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| Didn’t you used to be Britney Spears? |
No, according to the Enquirer, the 22-year-old pop princess is cracking up as her attempt to fit more weddings into a year than Elizabeth Taylor has managed in a lifetime takes its toll.
Britneys full of contradictions and finding it extremely difficult to handle fame, an insider explains.
Shes basically insecure, given to wild living to hide her uncertainties. Shes frightened her golden career is already failing.
She also worries constantly about getting fat and losing her looks.
We cant answer for Britneys career, but if its any comfort we can reassure that there is no danger of her losing her looks.
Judging by recent pictures of her spot-infested face, she lost those some time ago…’
Playmate Of The Month
‘IF Britney wants to know how this marriage game works, she could do worse than talk to soap hunk Lorenzo Lamas. Hell, she could even marry him.
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| So happy she could just burst |
The 46-year-old Bold And The Beautiful star is already planning an engagement party for wife-to-be No.5, despite still being married to wife No.4.
The actor split with 32-year-old former Playboy model Shauna Sand (Miss May 1996) two years ago, but they still havent hammered out a settlement.
But that hasnt stopped him climbing right back into the saddle as he prepares to make 35-year-old former Playboy model Barbara Moore (Miss December 1992) Mrs Lamas V.
Ironically, Lorenzo was introduced to Barbara by his soon-to-be-ex-wife, although his penchant for Playboy models does mean that he can just choose his wives out of a catalogue.
In fact if it werent for the legal formalities, Miss July could become Mrs Lamas before Miss June even had her staples out.’
Nancy’s Boy
‘NANCY DellOllio. Shes Italian, you can chant her name to the tune from Verdis Rigoletto and shes in conversation with Hello! magazine.
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| Spot the ball |
But, as is the way with lawyers, Nancy likes to ask the questions, and the first one she wants answered is: Why is everyone so obsessed with whether Sven and I are getting married?
Good question. And to answer it we must look to our inner selves and wonder what is about Sven Goran Eriksson and his Nancy that makes us lose so much sleep fretting over whether they will or will not get hitched.
Well, weve looked within. And we can find absolutely no reason at all why we are so enthralled by a monosyllabic Swedish sports coach and his Italian lawyer girlfriend.
And with no rationale for our obsession, weve decided to bow to logic and move on.
But before we go on to obsess over something else, whether it be Kerry McFaddens lampshades or Anthea Turners tan, we might as well stick with Nancy well, she did turn up for the photoshoot.
So, Nancy, are you and, er, Sven happy? Sorry, better rephrase the question, what with your English being a little rusty. Are you and Sven appy?
Weve been committed to each other since the beginning six years ago and thats why were a couple living together, says she. Sometimes I think its more fantastic not to get married because you create passion and intrigue.
Passion. Intrigue. And Ulrika Jonsson, who added to the magic by tossing her name into Nancy and Svens fantastic love affair.
Nobody can come between us, says Nancy. It has never happened only in someone elses mind.
And not in someones bedroom, where Svens Cuban heels were left outside the door as a kind of quirky Do Not Disturb Sign to one of his many obsessed fans and loving girlfriend.’
The Ladder of Success
‘GIVEN the nature of her business, youd be excused for thinking there was a family already housed inside Kirstie Allsopps skirt.
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| Kirstie’s period features |
The expansive residence, with stunning views and all mod cons, is, surprisingly, not for sale or rent.
While we see this is a missed investment opportunity in a buoyant market, the owner of the tent-like maisonette prefers to show us around her elegant west London home.
Decorated in a style Kirstie calls modern traditional (aka staid), Hello! delights at Kirsties grand mirror, oil paintings, powder blue upholstery, tongue and groove panelling and lavish window treatments.
And guess what? Shes even got Angostura bitters on the drinks shelf. If ever there was something more modern traditional than that, we, like Hello!, have yet to find it.
But in a flash the eldest child of Lord Hindlip, the ex-chairman of Christies with close links to the Royal Family, is keen to tell us how she got on in life and show us the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom.
Coo at the claw-footed bath with wrap-around shower curtain. Drool over the bedroom with its floral blinds, green curtains and matching headboard.
Positively shriek with delight when you see Kirsties garden office with its massive letter K stuck on the roof and gentle green exterior.
Its great, but before we make Kirstie an offer she cant refuse, we need to see what some other flats look like. Like the one she wears in place of a skirt…’
The Fifth Beatle
‘IS it? It could be. Wait until he turns around. Hmm, still not sure. He looks younger than he should and more fleshy. But it does look so much like John Lennon.
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| Mick And John in happier times |
We might have gone on believing the bearded man with the shaggy hair and John Lennon glasses was the former lead singer of The Beatles had Hello! not stepped in.
It asks the question, and we get to find out that this is not John but his son, Sean.
Anyone still uncertain is invited to compare the shot of Sean to the accompanying shot of John and to note the obvious differences.
Firstly, Seans picture is in colour – the shot of John is in black and white.
And secondly, Seans jacket is blue – Johns is a shade of grey, like his trousers.
The differences are as clear as day, and helped no little by the fact that colourful Sean is wearing a T-shirt with a picture of Ringo Starr on the front.
John would never have been seen alive or dead in such a garment, preferring as he did to hang out with the real Starr.
However, Sean does seem to be snuggling up to Mick Jagger, just as Johns doing in that black-and-white still.
But hang on, because Hello! has once again fearlessly stepped in and asked the questions that matter. The answer is that its not Mick, Seans with but the old rockers daughter, Lizzie.
You see, Micks got a pair of grey trousers on and Lizzies are blue…’
Less Of Ness
‘VANESSA Feltz doesnt feel bad when shes fat, but Im definitely happy when Im slimmer.
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| Only this artist’s impression exists of the reclusive Vanessa |
So says the human doodlebug as she talks to OK! about her experience in Celebrity Fit Club an interview that catches our eye and not only because Nessie is impossible to miss.
For it appears that there are only two states in which La Feltz exists fat and slimmer.
And that begs a number of questions. Slimmer than what? What if the slimmer Feltz is still fat? And what does it all mean for her state of mind?
It is an intriguing conundrum and one we grapple with as we chew on Nessies low-carb words.
And as we do so we learn that she is not planning any more weight loss, although she says she is carrying on with the programme she was given on the TV show.
I think Ill know when its time to stop, she says. I would like someone to call me gaunt rather than the other things Ive been called.
Looking at the photos of the human butter mountain in a £395 dress from Anoushka G (as modified by Town & Country Marquees), we fear that day is still someway off.
But at least Ness is happy after all, not only is she two and a half stone lighter than she was when she was two and a half stone heavier, but shes also slimmer and happier – than a pregnant hippopotamus.
Just…’
Scott Or Not?
‘JODIE Marsh has been through a lot (and were not just talking about men) and she deserves a bit of happiness.
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| ‘Dear Dwight Yorke…’ |
So we are delighted to hear that the multi-talented celebrity model, TV star, party girl is very happy with boyfriend Scott Sullivan, the recently dumped ex of arch-rival Jordan.
Were in that exciting early stage, she tells OK!s free Hot Stars magazine. Im not ruling anything out it could get serious but I dont want to get hurt again.
Imagine then our shock and disappointment when we turn the pages of OK! proper to discover that Jodie and Scott have already split up a relationship that didnt even survive a single magazine issue.
Theyre still good mates and go out together all the time, but theyre not an item anymore, a spokesperson said. Theres no third party theyve just decided to call it a day.
But at least they both walk away from the relationship with memories of great holiday in Barbados, an OK! picture spread and several inches of free publicity.
They could hardly have done better if they had staged the whole thing…’
Tru Love
‘WHEN Albert Square vixen Charlie Brooks first laid eyes on fiancé Tony Truman, she apparently announced: That man will be the father of my children.
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| More love than one woman can stomach |
And she was right – Tony who looks like a cross between EastEnders Frank Butcher and Barry Evans will be the father of Charlies children…when theyre 40.
According to OK!, Tony is only 36 years old a mere 13 years older than his now pregnant other alf.
But Anorak has obtained some of Tonys DNA, which we sent off for carbon dating, and we can reveal that he is in fact an amazing 974 years old.
Not that Charlies worried about the age gap she quite likes having an older boyfriend, and Tony claims he doesnt even notice it.
In fact, Charlie says one of the things that initially attracted her to Tony (or Tru, as his friends call him) was that he reminded me of my dad. Just a slightly older version.
As for Tone, hes chuffed that hes about to become a dad – I think Im at the right age now, he says, as befits a graduate of the Methuselah school of parenting.
And Charlie doesnt want to wait until December for the baby to be born.
She doesnt want to be fat in the summer, says Tony, failing to explain why this summer should be any different from any other year.’
Womb At The Top
‘HOLLYWOOD is full of women with interesting wombs.
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| ‘And now we go live to Jennifer Aniston’s uterus’ |
Take Jennifer Aniston who, according to the National Enquirer, was not feeling too well before her wedding to Brad Pitt.
So she went to the doctor and found that she had an endocrine hormone imbalance.
That might or might not have been serious. We, being no medical types, have not the foggiest.
The condition may have been brought on, as the magazine suggests, by Jen’s desire to be as thin as a cigarette paper.
But the good news is that whatever it was, it was important, had a long name and marked out Jen as someone apart from the rest of womankind. And she has now been cured.
And as a result, medical marvel Jen is hinting to pals that she is pregnant.
That means we can expect to hear the pitter-patter of little Aniston-Pitt feet – and lots more about the workings of Jen’s womb and how her cervix is coping with fame.’
Princess And The Pea
‘PREGNANT women in Hollywood remind us of the fable of the princess and the pea.
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| ‘I’ll have one of those and one of those’ |
While Maureen Scag from Skegness can feel no pea when she goes to bed, no life threatening pang in her lower spine that will knock her hormones out of balance and necessitate an emergency collagen injection and magazine interview, Hollywood’s finest writhe in abject agony.
They are sensitive to the slightest touch, and so when Julia Roberts gets pregnant she wraps herself in cotton wool and a pashmina.
News is that the actress, expecting two test tube babies, has changed her lifestyle utterly.
She has quit smoking. She has stopped eating sweets. She’s reading lots of childbirth books. She’s doing yoga. She’s cutting back on red meat. She’s reducing her cholesterol intake. She is eating a diet low in fat and salt.
So far so good. Every woman from Arkansas to Ipswich who dreams of being a Hollywood star can ape Julia’s pregnancy with their own embryo or cushion.
But things soon depart from the norm. Enter the pea. And its name is preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD).
You will not want it, nor need it. But Julia, being a Hollywood princess, knew that she had to have it or else something dreadfully normal would befall her.
So she had the test, which screens the male’s sperm for sex selection, to choose her babies’ genders. And she’s now having a boy and a girl.
And since she’s hand-picked the sperm and held a casting-call for her future children, we can only suppose that in time they too will go to bed one night and complain of something wonderful and hard to pronounce.
And we will look on with envy…’
The Heavy Brigade
‘HOLLYWOOD can be broadly divided into two camps. There is the thin camp, a composite blend of the thin, the really thin and the painfully thin.
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| The biggest star of them all |
And then there is the other camp, the fat camp, made up of those who gave up all hope of being thin and decided to be fat instead.
These fat are fewer in number than the thins but with one of them equating to every 15 thinsters, the Hollywood status quo is established and well balanced.
But who are the fattest? Well, folks, no telephoto lenses needed here, since this bunch can be seen with the naked eye by anyone standing on a beach on the west cost of Ireland and looking to the setting sun.
And in no particular order the fatties include: James Gandolfini (285lbs), Kirstie Alley (302bs), Rosie O’Donnell (310lbs), Danny DeVito (170lbs) and John Goodman (400lbs).
They are ‘HOLLYWOOD’S FATTEST STARS’. Not so much the cream of the cream as the cream, fudge sauce, nachos with extra cheese and lard of the elite.
And we salute them because we can be like them without ingesting tape worms, falling prey to the surgeon’s blade or taking up yoga.
All we need do is to eat. And if you must eat peas like those Hollywood princesses, make sure they are first dipped in chocolate sauce and deep-fried.’
Bea Plus
‘HARROW probably has a name for the garb that its pupils put on when allowed out of their quotidian top hat and tails (or whatever it is they wear these days).
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| A credit to both their families |
It’ll be called ‘mufti’ or ‘bumpty’ or something very Billy Bunterish – a word derived from the days when Harrovians ruled that part of the world that wasn’t under Etonian control.
But the rules for this non-uniform uniform are every bit as strict as the rules for the uniform uniform.
We quote: ‘When in bumpty, Harrovians must wear beige Chinos, a striped shirt (blue and white is recommended, but both pink and red are acceptable in extremis) with collar undone (two buttons) and black brogues.
‘Hair should be artfully unkempt, with a fringe that just falls into the student’s eyes. A pair of binoculars should be carried at all times.’
So it is that, when we see a picture of Princess Beatrice, all teeth, hair and Kabbalah bracelet, sitting next to a mystery man at the recent Stella Artois tennis tournament, we have no hesitation in identifying the young man as an Harrovian.
We are indebted to Hello! for the name of this gentleman – 17-year-old James Green.
But from the picture alone, we feel well able to vouch for young James’s suitability as an escort for the 15-year-old princess at, say, a hunt ball or a polo match.
He looks like he already knows the difference between an Haut-Medoc and a St Emillion; he’s clearly an excellent shot; and we’d be mighty surprised if he didn’t look pretty fetching in a pair of jodhpurs.
But that is not something that Prince Andrew or Sarah Ferguson have to concern themselves with at the moment because Hello! assures us that the pair are not romantically involved.
Indeed, it appears that Beatrice’s heart currently belongs to an Etonian friend of her cousins William and Harry.
Another fine, upstanding young man in a blue and white striped shirt we don’t doubt…’
No Tongues
‘WHEN James Green is a bit older, he will probably be given a name like James Tollemache and go out with a girl called Lady Eloise Anson or Hon Flora Astor or even Lady Rose Innes-Ker.
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| Step 4: The lunge |
And he will appear in the Hello! diary at events like the annual Grosvenor House Art & Antiques Fair or a party to celebrate Dunhill’s continued association with the Goodwood Festival of Speed.
He may even be able to rub shoulders with the likes of Tamara Mellon and estranged husband Matthew and Simon and Yasmin Le Bon at the Serpentine Gallery summer party.
But sadly whatever he does he won’t get invited to Highgrove to play polo and meet the Queen.
He went to the wrong school for that so, while Her Majesty hosted a tea party for the boys from Eton College, James and his fellow Harrovians were tucking into their Pimm’s and cucumber sandwiches elsewhere.
But Prince William, as an Old Etonian and the Queen’s grandson to boot, was invited and Hello! captures a delightful shot of the 22-year-old prince giving HRH a kiss.
Or more precisely two kisses because, in accordance with Royal protocol, William kissed her on both cheeks and said: ‘Thank you, Granny.’
What is more, he clasped both her hands as he bent low to embrace the monarch ‘without knocking off her broad-brimmed blue hat’.
It was, as all observers would no doubt agree, a masterful performance from William and one that only confirms his suitability as a future King of England.’
A Question Of Protocol
‘HOW proud Prince William’s mother would have been of him and the expert way in which he executed the kiss with the Queen!
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| ‘It’s okay, Elton. She’s sitting right next to you!’ |
Diana was something of an expert at kissing herself by the time she was cruelly taken from us, as Andrew Morton explains in his new book Diana: How I Can Make Yet More Money Out Of Her.
In the second part of its world exclusive serialisation of what we’ve all heard before, Hello! reveals that Diana was unhappy and had an affair with an army officer called James Hewitt.
But there are ‘sensational’ new revelations – such as this tickly issue of protocol.
It seems, Morton says, that for a time the Queen took to singing hymns unaccompanied after dinner was over.
Diana wanted to know in those circumstances whether to sing along, start clapping or remain silent – and, like a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? contestant, phoned friend for help.
The friend in question was Dr James Colthurst, the go-between who ferried Morton’s questions to the Princess and her answers back to Morton, who we regret to say was at a loss to provide an answer.
Had she instead phoned us here at Anorak Towers, we would have been more forthcoming.
Royal protocol demands that in such circumstances observers should switch on the Queen’s Billy Bass fish and sway along to the music in a piscine fashion.
On no account should they attempt to sing along.
History alas does not relate what Diana plumped for, but we rather fear that it was her voluble accompaniment that was the final nail in her relationship with her mother-in-law.’
Wayne’s World
‘IF David Beckham blond can be this year’s black, than surely a bovine, red and freckled Wayne Rooney can be next season’s debonair and handsome.
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| ‘Posh! Me?’ |
Nothing in the hands of OK!’s scribes is beyond the possible.
But revolutions do not happen overnight. And so when OK! got down to listing the top fooballers’ wives of football’s Euro 2004 championships, Rooney and his Colleen came in second.
The lad shouldn’t be downhearted. He gave it 110% and will surely take much from the experience and return next time stronger and in the best shape of his life.
And it is, is it not, no shame coming second to Mr and Mrs Beckham.
She is, after all, less an individual and more the product of a considerable fortune paid out to a team of PR types, stylists, gurus, dressmakers, hairdressers and depilaters. And he is a nice man.
Wayne and Colleen never stood a chance against an entire team – although Posh must takes nothing for granted (if anything positive can be taken from the Rebecca Loos saga, it is that her role as her husband’s No.1 tick is not guaranteed).
Colleen might be dressed up for OK!’s photo shoot like a demented pink meringue, carry a few excess pounds and possess all the sophistication of a mug of warm Vimto, but she is just 18 years old and need only point to photos of a young Posh to realise that the top spot is within her grasp.
Indeed, viewing those early Posh stills, Colleen looks to have something of a head start…’
Best Shoe Forward
‘IF Wayne Rooney is to be the next big thing in footballing circles, to wrestle the mantle of Celebrity Footballer supreme from David Beckham’s shoulders, he’ll need girlfriend Colleen McLoughlin to raise her own game.
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| Smiling through the tears |
She’ll need to become the new Posh and, thanks to OK!’s weekly updates in the life of the top celebrity wife, Colleen can study what is needed in minute detail.
In this week’s lesson, Posh is in Peru, where she is hugging a child called Dinah to the bosom she claims as her own and getting down and dirty.
OK!, like us, is amazed to see Posh down on her hands and knees, scraping the barren earth for a living.
Why she was behaving so is soon revealed. And, no it’s got nothing to with her training for a new life post-David.
Posh was in Peru for the charity Sport Relief. And it was a time that she will long remember. ‘I’ve never experienced anything like it,’ says she. ‘The poverty is unbelievable.’
And you can get to see how unbelievable things got on a TV programme of the Posh adventure called A Mile In Their Shoes.
Or A Few Yards In A Pair Of Heels, as it’s known in TV circles…’
Ignorance Is Bliss
‘THERE is no end of things about which Kerry McPadding knows nothing.
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| ‘The one on the right’s Syd, the one on the left’s Ben’ |
For instance, although she knows ‘everybody’s’ talking about Big Brother, ‘I don’t really know who’s who and don’t know much about it’.
Still, she considers it a shame that Kitten was evicted and thinks the prevalence of sex in the house is like watching free porn, and that is no good.
Kerry also doesn’t know much about boxing, and doesn’t see the point to it. ‘I just don’t get it!’ says Kerry.
But she’s talking about boxing because Syd Owen is scheduled to fight Ben Fogle in the ring in a charity bout.
Not that Kerry would step into the ring – something we consider to be a deep, deep shame.
From there it is leap in the darkness to talk about how ‘poor old’ Alex Kingston has been dropped from the cast of ER.
‘I don’t watch ER,’ says Kerry, who, although ignorant of the plot, is in a state of disbelief that one of her favourite characters might have been sacked.
Perhaps Kingston would like to make it on the London stage? Kerry would.
Penny Lancaster has just appeared in Tonight’s The Night – the musical of her boyfriend Rod Stewart’s hits – and it’s proved to be an inspiration to Kerry.
‘I wouldn’t mind making a guest appearance in a musical,’ says McPadding.
‘I’d choose Tonight’s The Night because I’m a huge fan of Rod Stewart. And Mamma Mia, because she’s a big fan of Abba’s music – although she’s never seen the actual show.
What she has seen, and knows all about, is Harry Potter and his latest outing on the silver screen.
‘I like Harry Potter, I really do,’ says Kerry. ‘I really enjoyed the film – me and Bryan went to watch it the other day.’
It’s great and just like the books – although ‘I haven’t read any of the books myself’.
However, Bryan might have read them out aloud to her at bedtime…’
A Lady’s Man
‘WORLD EXCLUSIVE, trumpets the cover of Hello!, THE EXPLOSIVE NEW BOOK THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT PRINCESS DIANA.
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| Diana: Learning to walk and talk at the same time |
That sounds promising, although a straw poll among the staff here at Anorak Towers discovered that few of us still think about the Princess at all (it all being too unbearable, presumably).
But give us the chance to emote about our Queen of Hearts and well weep, wail and gnash our teeth with best of them.
And so to the book, which happens to be a new work by Andrew Morton, the man who brought us the blockbusting Diana: Her True Story – which was the last word on Diana until Paul Burrell got in on the act.
Mortons new work, and the one that will change our view of his muse, is entitled Diana: In Pursuit Of Love.
And like all Mills & Boon-style tomes, this love story contains a doctor, a soldier, a sportsman, a playboy millionaire, a Prince, plenty of heaving bosoms and much staring into the fading light of a perfect day (and the headlights of a mysterious white Fiat Uno).
But, although there are men aplenty, the Princess did not enjoy all her suitors at once. She was no tart – although
she was for a time seeing a certain Oliver Hoare, with whom she was having an affair at the time of Mortons first book about her.
And this left Morton speechless. And brings him to his promised sensation. She was a lot cleverer than people gave her credit for, says he.
Surprised? Not those of us who saw the way she could find the right hat for almost any occasion…’
