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Kiddie Zone
‘EVER since the Anorak Rent-a-Kiddie service ran out of children for celebrities to pass off as their own, the stars began to look overseas.
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| ‘Does it grind pepper as well?’ |
Victoria Beckham, who often poses with Brooklyn and Romeo (aka Jim Harrison and his dwarf father Steve), was recently forced to look for young flesh to hug in Peru.
EastEnders actress Charlie Brooks has been cuddling the pigmies of Africa (they are so very childlike), paving the way for Corries Suranne Jones to do likewise.
But even the Third World has its limits there are only so many children to go around.
So when Ronan Keating went to Ghana he needed a new prop.
He first tried the old ways, but even he could not have failed to spot that young fair-of-face Adwoa has also appeared as Donna Airs child Freya, and will appearing in pantomime in Bournemouth this coming Christmas.
Ronan needed some luck. And when he saw a stall selling peppers, he hit pay dirt.
So there is the former Boyzone singer standing before an entire stall of peppers in Ghana.
I have come back from Ghana with anger and confusion and a desire to make a difference, says Keating, who omits to mention that he has also come back with some duty free peppers, both red and green.
Hes unhappy that what the geopolitical experts at Hello! call rigid trade practices are preventing the many growers of Ronans peppers and other vegetable props from earning a decent crust.
The thing about this campaign, says Ronan, is that its not about money. Its a campaign where people use their position to influence, to question things, write letters and change things.
So get writing. And get influencing. Ronans already made a start and seems to have fostered some change already – some of his beloved peppers are now part of a stew…with rice.’
Tea Ladies
‘SOMETIMES Hello! hits upon a scoop that no other publication could have come close to getting.
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| ‘So authentic! Those Anorak courdroy knickers are great’ |
And so it is that we are greeted with the headline: ELLE MACPHERSON HOSTS A TEA PARTY FOR CELEBRITY MUMS.
And that was not all, because the babies celebrity babies went along too.
Kate Moss was there with her daughter Lila Grace, while Donna Air trotted up with Freya (see the scamp in Bournemouth panto this Christmas).
Gwyneth Paltrow turned up in a peach top and jeans however she left her most precious accessory new baby Apple – at home.
Non-celebrity Hello! readers can replicate this seminal event in a salon of their own choosing.
A cheaper copy of Gwyneths peach top can be bought from the Anorak catalogue (pre-stained with authentic baby sick).
Tea can be bought from all good shops, and babies obtained by answering our tie-break question: Id like a baby because…
The winner of the best entry will receive a photogenic baby in the colour of their choice, while ten runners up will each get stretch marks and a pot of Valium to share…’
The Atkins-Sands Diet
‘BEFORE Dr Atkins turned the world into steak-guzzling, cheese-chomping, spud-avoiding cholesterol junkies, there was a man named Bobby Sands.
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| ‘Today I had two glasses of water for lunch and a glass of fizzy water for pudding’ |
He was the originator of the short-lived Bobby Sands Diet. Its long-forgotten now, but in 1981 anyone who was anyone (at least in the Maze prison) was following it.
The principles of the diet stop eating were simple and the results immediate – the weight literally fell off Bobby and his fellow dieters.
But unfortunately the diet worked just a bit too well and, 66 days after starting, Bobby died, followed in the ensuing weeks by nine fellow slimmers.
Obviously the diet was discredited in the immediate aftermath of Bobbys death and the world turned instead to Dr Atkins and his vision of a high-protein, low-carbohydrate future.
But these things go in cycles, and it appears that at last Bobby Sands is getting the recognition he deserves for his groundbreaking work.
In fact, it appears that Renee Zellwegger is just the first of what we hope will be a stream of celebrities lining up to endorse the Atkins-Sands diet.
Registered dietician Christopher Fuzy explains to the National Enquirer how the three-day diet plan that will help you lose five pounds in 10 days works.
Basically, you stuff your face for three days with cheese omelettes, hamburgers, roast beef, cheese, protein bars and more cheese all washed down with eight glasses of water.
And then you dont eat for a week.
Fuzy says he has helped hundreds of models and athletes who want to lose five pounds a week to fit into their party dress or look slender for a special event to do exactly that.
Some people still havent seen the light, however and in the same edition of the Enquirer we discover that Drew Barrymores still on her turkey diet.
However, Drew has shed a whopping two stone by eating lean proteins like turkey every day.
Other devotees of the turkey diet include Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, although they prefer to star in them than eat them…’
Paris’s Paunch
‘IT appears that socialite and home movie star Paris Hilton is not a subscriber to either the Atkins-Sands diet or the turkey diet.
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| ‘You taste salty and fishy…like the sea’ |
The Enquirer publishes a picture of everyones favourite hotel heiress sporting a pot belly at the 2004 MTV Movie Awards.
This is something of a surprise to us at Anorak clearly Paris has not been sticking to the high-protein diet recommended by former boyfriend Rick Salomon.
She is not the only one, however Britney Spears is also porking up a treat.
The Enquirer says that on a recent trip to Ireland with boyfriend Kevin Ferderline Brit spent her whole time in her $1,000-a-night suite ordering burgers and French fries.
And putting on weight is not the only bad habit the couple share pot-bellied Paris did a Britney at the MTV Movie Awards by giving Carmen Electra a big snog on stage.
Although perhaps she was just hungry and looking for a spare bit of spinach stuck between the Baywatch beautys teeth…’
Half-Man, Half-Pig
‘GIVEN the amount of space devoted to slimming in the National Enquirer, we suspect that the magazines average reader is the size of New Hampshire.
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| ‘Not by the hairs of my chinny, chin, chin…’ |
In between adverts for the likes of Detox/Slim an amazing obesity therapy…developed at a prestigious European university and Equiba a single tablet to melt away 6 pounds of ugly, dangerous, debilitating fat in a 5-day period, we catch up on some of Tinseltowns famous lardarses.
We see Kirstie Allie eating a salad, we hear that TV star Camryn Manheim is going to adopt so that she doesnt lose her new slim figure and we learn that Witney Houstons bulging tummy is the result of drug use, not pregnancy.
And we also catch up with Fred Durst, the half-man, half-pig frontman of Limp Bizkit.
Fred, it seems, gave Avril Lavigne one of his personal stash of burgers (he carries round 20 burgers at any one time) when he heard she was hungry after a concert.
And in return he expected Avril to sleep with him.
Knowing how much Fred loves his food, it seems a fair enough trade to us, but not to Avril.
He was disappointed that I wouldnt even go near him, she says.
Wouldnt, Avril? Or couldnt..?’
Perfect Happiness
‘IT is better to be ugly and surrounded by beautiful people than to be beautiful and surrounded by ugly people.
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| A fanny and her batter |
No, not the words of Deepak Chopra, L Ron Hubbard or even Madonnas personal Kabbalah trainer, but a quote from Anoraks seminal self-help book, Always Get Off On The 68th Floor.
The reason, of course, as the book explains in laborious detail (illustrated with dozens of pictures of Vanessa Feltz in a bikini), is that it ensures you the best view of the group.
It is the very same principle that dictates that you should always buy the ugliest house on the street so you dont have to look at it.
And it is an area we explore in even greater depth (this time with photographs of Vanessa Feltz as naked as the day she was born, albeit with slightly more skin) in our brilliant follow-up work, Happiness Is A Zero-Sum Game.
Not only should you buy the ugliest house on the street, we argue, but you should then spend a fortune on improvements to make the house even more hideous.
Remember, everything you do to detract from your neighbours happiness is like a deposit in the Happy Bank for you.
This is, were sure, old hat for Anorak devotees who have long lived their lives in this way. We explain solely for the benefit of new readers.
And by way of example we offer up Kerry McPudding, the T-shirt-stretching wife of former Westlife crooner Bryan McPadding, and OK! star columnist.
Kerry is already on the fourth step of our seven-step guide to perfect happiness.
Hear her on the subject of Jodie Marsh…
There was a survey about the most irritating celebrities and Jodie Marsh came out on top, she says. She doesnt irritate me. You know what, theres nobody that I find irritating really.
Did you hear that? Theres nobody in the whole world that Kerry finds irritating – she can listen to Chris Moyles on the radio without her hackles rising; her pulse rate barely alters when she sees a picture of Steve Penk; and she will happily sit down in the evening to the strains of a Westlife CD.
If that is not as close to irritation nirvana as is humanly possible, then your money back.
And how did Kerry achieve this exalted state? She learnt to be more irritating than any of them she became the human equivalent of scratching your fingernails down a blackboard.
Remember happiness is a zero-sum game…’
Healthy McPuddings
‘IF you are wondering why Kerry has only reached the fourth step of our seven-step programme, it is because there are still some things that irritate her.
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| Eating out with the McPaddings |
And one of them is when magazines do things on summer diets and getting in shape.
All I do is look at the body, I never look at the diet plan, says Kerry. It doesnt really irritate me, but it wastes a lot of space.
Indeed it does and it is therefore something of a disappointment to see OK! guilty of the very crime Kerry is talking about in this weeks issue.
Space that could have been devoted to Jade and Jeffs reunion exclusive, J-Los wedding exclusive or an interview with tasty TV queen Jennifer Ellison is instead wasted on two C-list celebs prattling on over 11 pages about the AMAZING secrets of our two-stone weight loss.
And who would those two celebs be? Why, its none other than our old friends, Kerry and Bryan…’
Paris’s Big Part
‘HAPPINESS Is A Zero-Sum Game has been literally flying off the bookshelves since it was published a mere couple of months ago.
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| It’ll make you go blind |
And much of its success is surely down to Paris and Nicky Hilton – sisters, hotel heiresses and authors of the books foreword.
Both are graduates of the intensive fortnight course that Anorak runs every summer aimed specifically at people with more money than sense and we are very much hoping that they will return later this year to pass on the benefit of their experience to the new intake.
For now, though, we have to rely on OK! to let us know what the pair of young scamps have been up to.
And we catch up with them this week in Australia, where they have been undertaking a rigorous programme of sunbathing and shopping.
But its not all work, work, work for these Hilton girls Nicky has been busy designing a range of handbags and hair accessories and Paris has been working on her, er, film career.
It was so much fun, but scary, Paris says of her latest shoot. Im the lead with one other girl and its the first time Ive had a part that big.
Pariss usual co-star Rick Salomon will be disappointed to hear that…’
50 Pence
”WILL the real David Beckham please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?’
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| Becks is worth almost two 50 Cents |
If only he could, but he carries so much baggage around with him these days (see Posh) that it’s hard for him to move let alone stand up and declare himself to be, well, himself.
In any case, even if he could stand up, which David Beckham would be the real deal?
Would it be the white boy from Leytonstone with the blonde fringe and the reedy voice? The walking lychee that is the black man inside the white body? Or what about the devoted husband and father? The adulterer? The footballer?
There are so many things going on in Beckham’s life that it should be turned into a book, a film or – get this – a rap act.
Yes, folks get ready to give it up (and give up all hope) for David Beckham rap artist, aka Becks, aka Buff Daddy, aka 50 Pence.
News from the National Enquirer is that Beckham and P Diddy, aka Puff Daddy, have become so close that the American musician has offered to take charge of 50 Pence’s rap career.
And what every rapper needs first off is… No, not a voice. No, not an axe to grind against ‘the man’. And no, not a ho bitch mama. What he needs is a logo.
One insider explains all. ‘From the logo came the idea of Becks having his own theme song,’ says the source, ‘a sort of anthem that can be played with TV and radio ads endorsing his products as well as being sung at soccer matches by fans on the terraces.’
It’s good to see that the Americans have a keen grasp on the machinations of the typical football ground.
And it’s hard not to agree that anything would be an improvement on the footballing question of our time: ‘Does she take it up the arse?’
But then someone on Becks’ team asked: ‘Why stop there?’ Why stop at an anthem when you can have an entire Beckham rap album. Hell, Beckham could be the new Eminem!
Big ideas indeed. And as Beckham’s talking baggage says: ‘We’ve got big plans for America – both of us.’
So take it away, 50 Pence: ‘Will the real Posh Beckham please shut up, please shut up, please shut up…’ [Repeat until she fades into obscurity or he leaves her.]’
Rug Rat
”IS Don Johnson bankrupt?’
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| To pay or not toupee? |
And that’s not morally bankrupt, but financially – as the Enquirer tells the world that the actor who made it acceptable for men from Miami to Melton Mowbray to be seen alive in pastel-pink jackets could be on his uppers.
So, as Johnson stepped off a yacht in Cannes looking like a ‘million bucks’, the Enquirer got to work looking at his finances.
And the magazine has discovered that Johnson recently put his ‘beloved’ Colorado mountain ranch up for sale.
And in April, he filed for something called Chapter 11 bankruptcy in Denver for a company he owns called Timber Doodle Glade Equity Venture LLC.
The smell of failure lingers over Johnson, although when you consider that his fourth wife is Kelley Phleger is described as a socialite and heiress to a San Francisco family and worth an estimated $45m at the time of their wedding in 1999, it’s an oddity that he should be thought to be anything but rolling in it.
How can it be that Johnson owes a reported $22,000 to a dozen local businesses in the Denver area, including over five grand to a grocery store and £1,228.52 to the Isberian Rug Co?
His spokesman, Eliot Mintz, says the bills just ‘fell through the cracks’ and they will all be paid.
That’s good. But we’re more interested in what he bought at the rug company. Johnson, who looks as wavy and bouffant as he did in his 1980s heyday, may like to enlighten us…’
Spelling Contest
‘WE at Anorak love a charity auction. Where else but under a large tent in the Hollywood Hills can you buy a pair of Jennifer Aniston’s inner soles for $4,000?
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| A dog’s dinner |
But things took a turn for the worse at a recent charity do at the Belly restaurant in West Hollywood.
The event, a charity pet auction aiming to raise funds for Much Love Animal Rescue, featured a $300 bone-shaped necklace.
But when the biding reached $100, Tori Spelling, the horsy star of Beverley Hills 90210, changed the rules.
She promised that whoever bid the most for the necklace would get the added bonus of a lap dance…from her!
Were this any other arena than a charity shindig, chances are that the necklace would have remained stubbornly unsold.
But people will do almost anything for charity, whether it’s sitting for a week in a bath of cold baked beans or hacking off their head with a butter knife.
So when Tori made her offer, one brave woman in the crowd bid $250. It was an act of rare selflessness, and surely she will go onto a better place.
As for the promised dance, well, let’s leave that alone, and remind everyone reading that it was for charity and, if Tori gets a dog its dinner, then who are we to judge?’
Table Talk
‘WE have to confess that we at Anorak Towers were unsure which way to vote in Thursday’s European elections until we received this week’s copy of Hello!
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| Hello!’s chief political correspondent |
We had listened to the blandishments of the europhile Liberal Democrats, the rantings of the eurosceptic Tories and the sophistries of the euro-pragmatic members of the Labour party.
Should we embrace the euro-federalist project, should we draw a line in the European sand or should we make only those concessions of national sovereignty required to make a 25-member community work?
We couldn’t make up our minds…until we happened to stumble upon an article by Hello!’s esteemed political correspondent, a Ms Joan Collins.
The pressure of time, space and Joan’s lawyers prevents us from reproducing the whole article, but the main thrust of it can be summarised thus.
Joan’s not a conformist – she used to have a fringe while all the other Hollywood starlets had their hair swept back. She also lived with Warren Beatty when they weren’t married.
The European Union is all about trying to foist a one-size-fits-all continent on us.
Ergo, the only way to avoid having to wear your hair brushed back or having to walk up the aisle with Warren Beatty is to vote UK Independence Party.
The logic was flawless – and we were instantly sold. But Joan was just getting into her stride.
‘An insidious anti-English plot has been hatching for years,’ she warns, ‘ever since it was deemed somehow immoral to refer to oneself as English.’
Joan, you see, is not British. She is English – even if she does live for most of the year in the United States.
In the same way, Sean Connery (resident of Spain) is Scottish, Catherine Zeta Jones (resident of the Bahamas) is Welsh and Liam Neeson (resident of New York) is Irish.
But it is not her hair, Warren Beatty or the denial of her Englishness that is Joan’s primary concern – it is her after-dinner conversation.
‘I cannot imagine having anything to discuss with someone from mainland Europe,’ she says.
‘What do you say to a citizen of Slovakia, Slovenia or Estonia after you have discussed the weather?’
Pass the port, perhaps…’
Three Times A Lady
‘WHILE Joan Collins is working on her Slovakian small talk, Jennifer Lopez has only gone and got married again.
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| Bride for hire |
But she did it with so little fuss that Hello! has been caught out and it is busy this week raising a glass to the diva’s engagement to boyfriend du jour Marc Anthony while everyone else is toasting their wedding.
With two divorces already to her name, J-Lo is now only two husbands behind the estimable Ms Collins – with almost 40 years in which to catch up.
Indeed, had Ben Affleck not got cold feet when the two were supposed to walk down the aisle a few short months ago, Jen could have narrowed the gap to one by now.
But Ben is in the past. ‘Whatever it was that was there, it’s gone,’ says a source close to the newly-weds. ‘His name never comes up. Never.’
Not even in a game of Hollywood’s worst actors ever?’
Slovene To Love
‘WHEN Donald Trump met a citizen of Slovenia, he had no trouble working out what to say to her. ‘Will you marry me?’ did the trick famously.
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| ‘It’s Melania, right?’ |
And so it is that 33-year-old model Melania Knauss sports a 12-carat diamond ring on her finger and Donald sports a grin like a Cheshire Cat.
And Hello! catches up with the man with the worst hairstyle since Sir Bobby Charlton first pulled a comb from one side of his head to the other at the Miss Universe contest in Ecuador.
Don’s there for work – he co-owns the rights to Miss Universe, Miss USA, Miss Teen USA, Miss Pre-Teen USA and assorted other spin-offs.
But he’s brought Melania with him, so there’s no danger of Donald’s eyes wondering, even if the man himself does admit that Jennifer Hawkins is ‘the most beautiful Miss Universe I have seen in many, many years’.
Jennifer, a 5ft 11in dancer and choreographer from Australia, edged out Miss USA Shandi Finnessy from Missouri in a tense final.
But it takes more than just good looks to impress our Donald. It is just remarkable coincidence that his two wives prior to Melania have both been models…’
Beckham Gets Wood
‘GOT wood? David Beckham has.
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| It’s a bit fatter than Her Poshness, but the boobs are equally fake |
Ever the traditionalists, we at Anorak Towers have marked the footballer’s fifth wedding anniversary with a gift.
We’ve handcrafted an Anorak fertility symbol. Hewn from pure ebony and inlaid with jet, this gift will bring luck and comfort to David as he and his lovely wife plough on regardless towards year six.
You should be able to see it in this week’s OK! tribute to the couple after they made it to the end of year five.
But over 41 pages of pictures and articles, in which OK! finds room for such eclectic stuff as the day the couple met and an advert for Jersey Royal potatoes, we see no hint of our gift.
And at once we realise our oversight. What with this being Posh ‘n’ Becks, we should have got a matching fertility symbol for her.
If only one of the pair has the gift, equilibrium may be lost and anything might happen. Hell, he may even be impelled to have an affair.
But while Posh waits for her version of our sap-inducing stick, OK! takes time to see what kind of gifts they may buy each other.
That is a nice blouse. And that is a charming hair bubble. And, my, what a lovely mobile phone.
But Posh has no need of Rebecca Loos’ cast-offs – why should she when she can have such items as a Shizue handbag, a diamond crucifix priced at £42,000 and a pair of Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses.
But the pick of the lot must be the bespoke Ebury bag. Readers learn that David can have a secret message embossed in his handwriting into the bag.
Or, if he’s not up to the penmanship, perhaps a text message instead…’
Buy Another Day
‘WE have yet to get Darren Day a wedding gift and, it follows, an anniversary present of any kind.
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| What do you buy a girl who’s already got Darren Day? |
Many is the time we’ve gone back to Mr Byrite, clutching our receipt for some must-have item, ready to ask for our money back as another Day wedding is called off.
To date, we have bought Darren: a cuddly chimpanzee, a Trivial Pursuit board game, a signed copy of Cliff Richard’s Living Doll and a one-way ticket to Lagos.
But each time, the wedding plans have been cancelled and we’ve been forced to go back to seek a refund.
But there may be no need ever to buy Darren a gift. Although Darren’s girlfriend, the former of Hear’Say band member Suzanne Shaw, is pregnant, there will be no engagement.
‘I have never owned a house with a girlfriend before,’ says Darren, who shares the deeds on his pad with Shaw. ‘We’ve got a dog together, and now a baby on the way, so I think we have already made a fairly serious commitment to each other.’
Suzanne agrees, sort of.
‘We’ve both been engaged before and have done that so I think we will just go off and get married quietly,’ she says.
‘But I’ll wait till after the baby is born as I don’t want to be a fat bride!’
Does that not sound like she is planning a wedding after all? Which means yet another trip to the shops of us and the hunt for inspiration.
We mean, just what do you buy the couple you’ve bought everything for and then taken it back to the shops already?
A his ‘n’ hers boomerang?’
Reall(it)y TV
‘BIG Brother has excited every priapic Geordie with Im mad me tattooed on his arse…and Jade Goody.
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| Really, really annoying |
Jade is really, really, really exited about this years show and thinks it is going to be really, really good this year – although the sooner Stuart is kicked out the better.
The one I really [really, really] dont like is Stuart with the stupid headband, says Jade. It makes him look like hes in a boyband.
He keeps going on about how brainy he is and how many A-levels hes got. Im definitely going to vote him off.
So she might. But Jades is but one vote, and there are 11 other loudmouths, show-offs and vanity cases vying for our attention.
And Jade has a word to say on all of them. And that word is really.
Ahmed is really interesting; Nadia is really scared; Marco really makes me laugh; Victor is a really nice person; Shell is just pure English and I really think thats great; Jade really likes Emma; and Jade was really surprised when he [Jason] turned out to be straight.
And thats really good, since Big Brother is a reality TV show. Really it is..’
Get Yer Kit Off
‘THERE are so many parts to David Hasselhoff that knowing where to start is never easy.
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| He’s even bigger in Germany |
Helpfully, the man himself is keen to begin his tour of his LA mansion and his life with a recalled memory of a trip to Madrid.
Id gone to Madrid, he says, to sing on TV and someone said to me, You have to go to Toledo.
Before we can ask Americas answer to Robert Kilroy-Silk whether it was a Madrileno with a keen ear for music that effectively told him to get out of town, David has moved on…to Toledo.
So there I was with a friend and we decided to go into a bar full of people. Everyone was drinking and watching, and guess what they were watching?
Never ones to pass up an invitation to interrupt, we, who have watched Spanish TV many times, offer up a) the Lotto draw; b) bull fighting; and c) football.
But three times we are wrong, because the locals were watching Knight Rider.
So I went up to the TV and I put my face next to the screen and said in Spanish: Hola, Im Michael Knight!
At this point we lose track of Daves friend, who remains unnamed and, most likely, on the run in the remote and unforgiving Spanish interior, living on a diet of wild berries and road kill.
Meanwhile, we have Dave firmly in our sights, chiefly because hes still standing alongside the TV screen gasping for attention.
And I insisted: I am Michael Knight. But they werent listening to me, continues David. Later, we [he has another friend?!] went out on to the street and bumped into this man.
He looked at me and then started shouting: Michael! And suddenly everyone rushed out of the bar and started to follow me. About 100 people.
I turned round and said: Hola, my name is David Hasselhoff and Im Michael Knight! Then we all went into another bar and the TV was on and this time my basketball team the Lakers were winning.
So Michael pushed his head next to the screen and slam dunked an olive onto his forehead.
And everyone just went crazy. And then, you just know, he started to sing, the earth went still and all human life ended in an instant…’
Working Class
‘HAVE you ever wondered what the Royal Family would be doing if they werent being royal?
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| ‘And I love you too, Dobbin’ |
Well, you need worry no more because – thanks to Hello! – we know what two of them would be up to.
First up is Zara Philips. The public probably has a completely different idea of what Im really like, says Zara, as she amazes us all by leading two ponies out of a horse box.
Few could have guessed in a million years that Zara would like horses.
And fewer still would have ever supposed that Zara had hoped to compete in his summers Olympics, just as her mother and father did before her.
Zara is full of surprises, and we could be no more shocked by these revelations about the real Ms Philips had she whipped off her top to display a massive surgically-enhanced bosom and declared herself to be the new Jordan.
You might suppose Hello! was too dumbstruck after meeting with Zara to carry on but, ever the professional, the magazine puts its socks back on and sets out of a mission to discover what Prince William is really like.
This is William as youve never seen him before at an official photocall with the media, coos Hello! Relaxed, jokey and more confident than ever, he was clearly in his element as he showed the townies the real country life he enjoys at home.
And that country is called the United Kingdom, and its covered in cow pats, green pastures and mud-splattered green wellies.’
Hicksville II
‘IF you are creating a retreat, does it not suggest that you have something to retreat from?
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| ‘Retreat!’ |
This should be the first point Hello! hacks address when they meet with Allegra Hicks, who tells of her labour of love with husband Ashley in creating the perfect retreat.
The house is our private place where we come to escape, explains Allegra, as she shows us round it. The only people we invite here are very close friends.
Aw, shucks! Shes embarrassed us by her flattery. But we are friends, dear, dear friends, and that makes us close enough to ask Allegra what shes retreating from.
And the answer is…her hectic London life.
When I am in London I work a lot, explains Allegra. Im always back by six to do homework with the children, give them a bath, put them to bed, then we might go out.
Busy? You betcha. And it seems shes too busy to feed the little loves, Angelica and Ambrosia, who have surely suffered enough already.
But while others more qualified than we, her friends, look deeper into Allegras oversight, she has already taken to her retreat in the Cotswolds.
And she needs to retreat to keep me living my life instead of having my life lived by me.
Do you see? With thoughts like that its clear that Allegra has not been using her time in retreat lightly.’
Chest Amazing
‘REMEMBER Posh and Becks? Sure you do. He was the talented one – and she wasnt. He had success – and she had a PR. He had blonde hair – and she had some of his woven onto her brown head.
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| For all the cuddles, Pete had still never gotten to within four feet of his lover |
Well, anyway, the point is that they were like so much chalk and so much cheese.
But it need not always be that way. Sometimes the pair is ideally matched.
So we have Kerry McPadding and her Bryan. Anthea Turner marries Grant Bovey. Cliff Richard finds god.
Others celebrity couples grow to be like each other. And so it is with Jordan and Peter Andre.
Speaking from their retreat in Cyprus, the pneumatic Aphrodite and her Adonis are keen to tell the world how much they really, truly, honest-to-goodness love each other to bits.
But first they have to get something off their chests. Well, Peter does, pulling back his top to reveal a pert, tanned nipple.
This would be no great event were it not for the fact that throughout the interview with OK! Jordan keeps her chest under wraps.
Few of us have ever seen Jordan in a top, and the shots of her wearing a bikini over her orbs of fame are nothing less than a sensation.
Could this non-exposure be a sign that she is growing under Peters influence, just as his gratuitous nipple shot is so very her? Its as if she has moved towards him while he was moved towards her.
But before he sleeps with Gareth Gates, gets impregnated by Dwight Yorke and puffs up his chest even more than it is already, he pulls back, does up his top and settles down.
And settling down is very much the order of the day, as the pair (now both wearing cleavage-revealing tops in a compromise of sorts), talk about being soul mates and having kids.
Peter is like a male me, says Jordan, clearly referring to her lovers topless shots. We both want to be loved were both insecure, really.
Whats so amazing is finding someone who can stimulate my mind as well as other things, says Pete. Its not about, lets go to bed and have sex. We can just go to bed, watch a movie and have a cuddle.
Katie agrees. We always go to bed cuddling and wake up cuddling always. Were never apart.
So it seems. Jordan has even taken a month off whatever it is she does to join Pete on his tour.
And thats a tour in which hell be singing while she gets her tits out. Or is that, shell be singing while he gets em out.
They are so close that its hard to tell which is which.
But whichever way it goes, youre virtually guaranteed to see what for all the world looks like a pair of singing tits coming to a leisure centre near you.’
House Proud
‘ITS not you, its me. I need time to grow…to be myself, to find out who I really am.
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| We knew it |
Its not fair, I know, but to take you with me on this journey would be cruel. So go, spread your wings and learn to fly.
And so it was that Kym Marshs record company set the songbird free. And boy has she ever soared high since the record company let her go.
Indeed, it was fate that they cut their ties, since just after ditching her (sorry, releasing her from the constraints of a stultifying pop world to be herself and let her talent shine), her father fell ill.
I took a couple of months off, says Kym of the period after she was released, which I was glad of because my father wasnt very well. I didnt think I could have coped with that and work at the same time.
Indeed, who could have? Kym is no superhuman shes flesh, bone and singing chords, just like the rest of us.
It was nice to be able to do normal things like make the kids lunches and take them to school and come home and do some housework, says she normally.
And so nice is it that weve every reason to believe that Kym has been bitten by the housework bug will be doing a lot more of it the future.’
Monkey Business
‘ITS somewhat unjust that Kerry MaPadding, a woman built by the small screen, should step up and say, Im not a great television watcher.
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| ‘Take a look around at what technology has found…’ |
There should be a rule that anyone who appears on the telly should be made to watch the bilge they pump out in a small wooden box, insulated from the rest of mankind and fed by a drip of the type used to water captive gerbils, but now containing pure caffeine and Cadburys flakes instead of water.
But this year Kerry will be watching lots of TV because Big Brother is on, and because just like everyone else she is dead keen on seeing a TV romance develop on the small screen.
Although, she could not do the TV lovers thing herself, since shes been in the jungle, dontyerknow, and if she was stuck in a house for two weeks, shed would miss the kids, her Bryan, but not the TV, which she doesnt watch all that much, and so on…
But while Kerry prattles on, OK! finds yet another celeb who can watch TV, and her name is Jade Goody.
And this is nothing short of amazing. We now realise that the monkeys who type away for decades to produce the Complete Works of William Shakespeare, also produce some lesser works as they go, to wit Kerrys OK! dairy and now Jade Goodys Big Brother column.
And what have the monkeys been saying? Only that last years Big Brother was boring and that Jade will speak her mind.
Of course, she wont because to do so would be to transport her readers to a world somewhere off in East Angular with only kebabs to eat and minging feet to stand on.
So Jade will be mostly speaking in the words of Bobo, who comes to OK! fresh from a work placement here at Anorak Towers.
Take it away, Bobo. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and me lettuce was dripping like a leaky tap when all of a sudden me babs popped out…’
A Coyote Eat Dog World
‘ITS a dog eat dog world in Hollywood. And now its also a coyote eat dog world.
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| News that Friends has ended cheered Portia up |
We read with a heavy heart that former Ali McBeal star Portia de Rossis pet pooch Bean is no longer among us.
He is dead, having been savaged to death by a wild coyote.
And so upset was Portia by the incident that she sought help in medication.
Things get worse yet when we learn that the remains of her beloved eight-year-old white Maltese are only with her in part.
They tried to run off after it [the coyote], says a pal, but all they found was a tuft of beans white hair and a few spots of blood.
This is desperately sad, and its no wonder Portia is beside herself with grief.
But why are you crying? Oh, dont worry, your Friends will come back. Or at last they will try to in around ten years time when they havent worked for a decade…’
Best Friends
‘ITS not often the Enquirer produces something you just want to snip out and keep for all time.
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| The Channel 4 test card |
And this week is no exception to the norm as the magazine unveils its Friends special.
There are KISSES Youll Never Forget, 150+ Fabulous Photos, MOMENTS That Made You Laugh & Cry and some Insider Secrets.
Do you remember ROSS & MONICAS DANCE ROUTINE? Were you there for MONICA & CHANDLERS WEDDING? Did you coo for RACHEL &
ROSS BABY?
Of course you know it all. Because even if you managed to avoid such seminal TV the first time round, Channel 4 has repeated Friends so often that now each of us have seen every second of the sitcom a brain-rotting seventeen times!
But what about the things we never saw? What about the stars of the show before they were famous.
Did you know, for instance, that Matt LeBlanc was working in a furniture store when he went for his audition? He was a large wooden rocking chair.
And who could have guessed that Lisa Kudrow once wanted to become a doctor? No-one but a genius, well wager.
And step back in wonder at the news that David Schwimmer got the role of a nerdy Jewish guy without having to take even one audition. How? Lets just say he was born to the part.
But now theyve gone. Although you can still find them on Channel 4 the one with the video stuck on loop – where they will go on forever.’
