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A Coyote Eat Dog World
‘ITS a dog eat dog world in Hollywood. And now its also a coyote eat dog world.
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| News that Friends has ended cheered Portia up |
We read with a heavy heart that former Ali McBeal star Portia de Rossis pet pooch Bean is no longer among us.
He is dead, having been savaged to death by a wild coyote.
And so upset was Portia by the incident that she sought help in medication.
Things get worse yet when we learn that the remains of her beloved eight-year-old white Maltese are only with her in part.
They tried to run off after it [the coyote], says a pal, but all they found was a tuft of beans white hair and a few spots of blood.
This is desperately sad, and its no wonder Portia is beside herself with grief.
But why are you crying? Oh, dont worry, your Friends will come back. Or at last they will try to in around ten years time when they havent worked for a decade…’
Absolutely Fatuous
‘LANDMARKS in celebrity lives, No. 1,234: An audience with the Dalai Lama.
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| Joanna’s met all the greats |
This week its Joanna Lumleys turn to meet the spiritual leader of Tibet, now living in exile in the photogenic foothills of the Himalayas.
Joanna (midnight-blue patterned chuba, a traditional Tibetan dress, with silk blouse underneath fastened with a safety-pin and a striped apron signifying she is a married women) meets the DL (orangey-red tunic with yellow stripe, glasses, shaved head) in a moment that fulfils a life-long dream’ for her and, dare it not be said, most likely for him too.
I think the Dalai Lama is a hero because, says Joanna, speaking in what sounds like the start of a competition to finish the line in twelve worlds or less and so win a day out shopping with big DL.
But to give Joanna her dues: I think the Dalai Lama is a hero because he emphasises the most essential teaching of Buddhism, which so to be kind.
Point taken, but no cigar. Joanna went over the 12-word guidelines, so she is disqualified.
But shes not stopping there. Indeed she goes on to say: …and that is rather an unfashionable subject for world leaders or other religious figures to talk about these days. I cant think of any other leader in the world today who has the Dalai Lamas moral stature and charisma.
Whether its the high altitude, the Himalayan setting or the giddy sensation of meeting her hero thats to blame, it seems Joanna has forgotten our own dear leader Tony Blair.
In any case, shes not a Buddhist, well not in the sense that she prays and all that. No, Joanna is more of Buddhist in the way that she had found the teachings of the Dalai Lama incredibly helpful.
As she says: We have to realise the precious nature of life and make the most of it.
So Joanne drives a Smart Car and goes to the newsagents without make-up on. And before you mock, ask yourself this: what did you do to make the world a better place today?’
Hyde And Speak
‘HANDS up those of you who know who Damiel Hyde is? So thats one…er…one.
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| David Hythe |
And do you know what Daniel is famous for? Oh, youve put your hand down. You had an itch you say. So you dont know who Damiel Hyde is.
Well, since we are all starting from the same page, lets tell you that Daniel Hyde is the bad boy actor everybody loves to hate in popular teen soap Hollyoaks.
He has yellow spiky hair, wears a top that looks like hes got a charge card at Clone Zone and has a nothing less than fascinating private life.
You see, Daniel once had a car accident. He lost control of his TVR sports care and flipped over four times.
I think I was knocked out for a few seconds, says he, now fully recovered, and I actually came out of the car roof. It was as though Gods hand had reached down and picked me out and put me on the side of the road.
It is indeed sensational stuff, and something he might like to share with the Dalai Lama when the pair meets.’
A Marriage Is Forecast
‘WEVE scanned the pictures from Prince Felipe of Spains wedding to the lovely Letizia and can find no sign of the Dalai Lama.
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| A prayer is nice – but the wedding list did specify a toaster |
We can see Prince Charles, a known consort of the Tibetan spiritual guide, but no sign of the man himself.
Oh, well, perhaps he can still make it to another wedding, that of ITV weather presenter Sian Lloyd and her fiancé Lembik Opik MP.
After months of will-they, wont they speculation, the pair have decided to become engaged.
Thank goodness for that. The tension was getting to be unbearable, but now it has been released over a glass of chilled campers and a ring.
Oh, and over a snooker table, which Sian poses alongside, cue in hand, while her future husband sidles up behind her like hes about to polish the white ball.
And over some cushions and rugs, which the couple look over. And over Sians green dress and knee-length gold boots of a type that suggest shes about to slap her thigh and rescue some babes from a nearby wood.
And over a nice cup of tea and some cakes. Which is delightful – but not as refreshing or sweet as the Dalai Lama…’
Cherry Baby
”MARRY in haste, remarry at your leisure’ is the new maxim written in fine print below the famous ‘HOLLYWOOD’ sign.
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| ‘I’ve got my parents’ car for the night…’ |
We still have a few of the original crab sticks and Viennetta slices from the fist time Tom Cruise married Nicole Kidman, having kept a souvenir of that great day.
But in the interests of true love, we’ll ship our memories to them so that they can relive the entire experience almost exactly as it once was.
And pals of the couple are telling the Enquirer that the actors will remarry before the year is out.
‘Nicole’s gradually succumbing to Tom’s charms and pals are beginning to believe that love a second time around is a real possibility,’ says a source close to the pair.
It’s a similar scenario with Paula Abdul and her former husband Emilio Estevez.
After accidentally bumping into each other a decade after they divorced following a two-year marriage, the pair hit it off and are now an item.
But this time they are not rushing into things and, despite rekindling a faded romance, they are taking things slowly.
And that’s a good thing, since if Paula or, for that matter, Nicole really want to make it feel like the first time on their wedding night, they’ll need a while for the stitches to heal on their reattached hymens.
It seems that women are spending up to $2,000 a time on this new craze – to appear virginally intact.
‘When I do this surgery, nobody would ever be able to tell the woman was not a virgin,’ says Dr Louis Palma of New York.
‘In some societies virginity is a prize, so I basically make them a virgin again in an hour.’
And that’s a lot quicker than they took to lose their virginity the first time round.’
Life Is A Mask-erade
‘THERE are, of course, any number of procedures you can inflict on your body in the US of A.
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| Cher’s head is now kept aloft with clever use of scaffolding |
And Cher is a walking advert for most of them.
Indeed, if you were to strip down the singer and Demi Moore, and chuck all the bits in a pile, you could probably reproduce two entirely new people from the mix – one with the body of a nine-year-old girl and the other with all the skin texture of a 70-year-old wrinkled, bearded crone.
But while the pair battle it out for which the witch and which the girl, the Enquirer reports that even while you’ve been reading Cher has popped into Messers Nip ‘n’ Tucks for some reconstruction.
And this latest refit is a revelation in science – this is surgery on the go.
All you need do is pop your face into the surgery and wait while the medics apply the Perfectly Taut Facial Mask, or the ‘Prect Ort Adal Ass’, as many of its fans know it by.
Then you are free to walk the streets wearing your mask for seven hours causing children to flee in terror and trying not to open your eyes too widely lest you upset the secret blend of herbs and spices.
After the time is up, Cher, and others like her (or who used to be her), can remove the mask and show their new radiant complexion to the world.
Or they can just keep the mask on. Whichever way they choose to go, the results look pretty much the same…’
Vodka & Olsen
‘SUCH is the chasm between what we are told and what is real in Hollywood that when we read that the Olsen twins have been ‘X-POSED’ we fear the worst.
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| ‘Make mine a double!’ |
For a long while we have suspected there is something outlandish about the perky, goblin-sized twins.
And it looks at first glance as if the X-files have finally caught up with them.
But the headline ‘X’ is not for X-terrestrial, but for X-rated, since the Olsens are not as pure as they pretend to be.
Indeed, Mary-Kate and Ashley are a pair of ‘hard-partiers who love to live it up with sex, drinking and rock ‘n’ roll’.
The scary pair, who turn 18 on June 13, have had sex and were seen not too long back running ‘amok’ though Hayden Hall, a dormitory at New York University.
Shocked and amazed by that, we also hear that one of the twins once said: ‘Alcohol tastes like water.’
A common complaint of anyone who’s ever been unfortunate enough to drink a Budweiser.
What’s more, ‘they don’t mind being around kids who smoke pot, and I’ve seen them drinking,’ says a source. ‘Vodka with a mixer of juice or tonic is their usual.’
Yes, they have a usual!’
The Ex Factor
‘LIFE has changed remarkably for Jade Goody since that evening when she took her clothes off on national TV and exposed more rolls than Greggs bakery.
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| Jodie advertises Jordan |
She may still not know which country East Angular is in, which football team Rio De Janeiro plays for or in which part of Spain Portuganese is spoken.
But those are mere details – lacunae on a celebrity CV that boasts one baby, one more on its way and now a dramatic split with boyfriend/soulmate Jeff Brazier.
Of course, as ever OK! is on hand to hear the juicy details.
‘You can’t stay with somebody you’re not in love with anymore,’ Jade says, after giving full details of their fight.
‘You can’t make love to someone if you’re not in love with them.’
Indeed not – and so it is that we can announce with confidence that Jodie Marsh is in love with Jordan’s old boyfriend, Scott Sullivan.
OK! catches up with the couple snogging for the cameras in the pool of their Cyprus hotel.
‘The best of luck to them,’ says OK! star columnist Kerry McPadding.
And they’ll need it, judging by Jordan’s own experience.
‘If Jodie’s into her sex like she says she is, Scott’s definitely not the one,’ she said. ‘He’s a really nice guy, but he’s rubbish in bed.”
The Bum’s Rush
‘WHEN Lisa Scott-Lee announced her ambition to become the English Kylie a year or so ago, she could hardly have dreamt how successful she would be.
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| Bottom of the pops |
In fact, her bum proved to be such a hit with fans and industry insiders alike that it wasn’t long before her record company decided that was the part of her body it most wanted to see.
And so it was that a few months ago they asked to see the back of her – permanently.
Unfortunately, that means that we will never get to hear the album to the creation of which Lisa devoted a year and a half of her life.
‘It’s a shame, but I’m not giving up,’ the ex-Steps singer tells OK! as she shows them round the Berkshire home she shares with fiancé Johnny Shentall.
‘I think the record company made a bad business mistake because I’ve got a lot to give and I’ve got a genuine love and enthusiasm for what I do.’
Johnny, who knows a bit about the subject after being a member of not one but two failed bands (Boom! And Hear’Say), agrees.
‘They don’t know what they’re doing,’ he says.
And we have to say we agree with Johnny on this – there really is no substitute for love and enthusiasm, especially when it is allied to a great bottom.
It is little wonder that we hear that another record company is already sniffing around, ready to catapult Lisa to a position at the top of the UK music industry where she belongs.
And where Lisa leads, Johnny follows – news is that he has got an agent and it is now just a matter of time before he too is back in the saddle, so to speak.
‘There’s a lot of talented people out there who haven’t had one record deal,’ Lisa reminds us, ‘and Johnny’s had two.
‘He looks good, he sings, he dances and he acts and that’s why I fell for him.
‘I think it’s important to focus on all the good things that happened, playing on Top Of The Pops and CD:UK and having a No.6 and No.11 hit.’
Highlights enough, we’re sure you would agree, for any career…’
Magic Moments
‘LISA Scott-Lee and Johnny Shentall of course have the talent, enthusiasm and buttocks to make it to the top of whatever tree they decide to climb.
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| ‘When does the first Z-list showbiz party start?’ |
For others, the path to stardom is long and windy and goes via the Big Brother house in Elstree.
One thinks of such characters on last years show as, er, the drippy one and, er, the Scottish one and, of course, who could forget, er, the other one.
In anticipation of the start of this years show, OK! looks back over the previous four series and selects its five favourite moments.
Amazingly, none are taken from last years show. No, not even Cameron feeding the chickens or Tanya sunbathing or, er, Nush sunbathing or, er, Scott sunbathing.
OK! decides that even such moments of spellbinding television cannot compete with Jade getting her kit off, Craig getting his kit off, Paul and Helen not getting each others kit off, Alex putting his kit on and Nasty Nick packing up his kit and heading for the exit.
Memories well all take to the grave with us…’
Athletic Support
‘THERE is one date that sits above all others in the sporting calendar of every nation on earth.
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| Rachel prepares for her assualt on the two-width world record |
No, its not the Opening Ceremony of the 2004 Olympic Games; nor is it the final of the World Darts from the Circus Tavern in Purfleet; and its not even the World Series of baseball.
The date that is circled in red in every sports lovers diary is of course the day of the Laureus World Sports Awards in the words of Hello!, sports answer to the Oscars.
It is a chance to rub shoulders with sporting legends like Michael Douglas, who manages to be both movie star and golfing great (playing off a handicap of 16).
And the Corrs, known it must be said primarily for their music but also highly accomplished three-day eventers Andrea does the dressage, Caroline the cross-country and Jim the showjumping.
And even Morgan Freeman, Oscar-winning actor by day, darts thrower par excellence by night.
This year, those lucky enough to win a prize got the chance to receive their awards from such sporting immortals as John McEnroe, winner of three Wimbledon and four US Open tennis titles, and Rachel Hunter, who once came third in the 400m at her school sports day.
Hello! was on hand to watch the awards and talks us through the highlights.
First up was Rachel Hunter stunning onlookers as she stepped out of a Mercedes sports car wearing a crystal-embroidered minidress and dripping with £1 million worth of diamonds.
Then, we saw Rachel showing off her endless legs again in a mermaid-inspired rainbow-coloured gown, designed for the occasion by Polish couple Lilina and Dana Kruszynska.
And, er, that was about it…’
A Perfect Ten
‘IT seems amazing that it was only 10 years ago that Neil Hamilton was just some Tory MP on the make, all grey suit, brown paper bag and political ambition.
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| The celebrity’s celebrities |
These days, of course, we know Neil as one half of the celebrity duo, the Hamiltons, the Stan Laurel to wife Christines Oliver Hardy, the Ant to her Dec.
Gone are the grey suits and ties to be replaced with a showbiz uniform – fetching casual tweed jackets and open collars. The only tie youll see Neil in these days is a zany bowtie.
And, despite their reputation as this most accommodating of media couples, it is something of a coup for Hello! to have persuaded them to pose together in celebration of their first 10 years in showbiz.
Typically, the couple arent content just to smile for the cameras in one picture madcap Neil slides down the banisters into the arms of his waiting wife, in another he tinkles the ivories as crazy Christine dances around the ballroom.
And then there are the showbiz stories.
Of course, the whole world has been in this flat, says Christine of the couples bijou apartment overlooking Battersea Park (as Neil hysterically deadheads some potted geraniums on the terrace).
The Louis Theroux documentary about us was partly filmed here.
A little slice of showbiz history. They are no doubt putting the finishing touches to the blue plaque as we speak…’
Family Ties
‘NOT everyone has the Hamiltons madcap sense of humour and mastery of the stage – some people have to rely on their parents for their big break in life.
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| ‘Papa was a Rolling Stone…’ |
If you cant start a fashion label for instance, the next best thing is to be like Sven Ley and be the heir to a fashion label.
And the next best thing after that is to be like London socialite Zoe Appleyard and marry Sven Ley in a dress from the family business, thus instantly becoming wife of the Escada heir.
Alternatively, you can be like any one of the members of Europes royal families who attended the recent wedding of Crown Prince Frederik of Denmark to Aussie Mary Donaldson.
Prince Edward, seen with wife Sophie, is very much the exception his talents as a film-maker would have set him apart in any company.
As is Leah Wood, daughter of Rolling Stone guitarist Ronnie Wood, who is embarking on a music career of her own.
Leah is determined that she will get to the top of her chosen profession on her own merits and not those of her father.
Thats why her band is known by such an anonymous title as The Leah Wood Group, as opposed for instance to The Leah Wood (Daughter Of A Rolling Stone) Group…’
Camping It Up
”K-K-K-KATIE, beautiful Katie/ You’re the only g-g-g-girl that I adore/ When the m-m-moon shines over the cowshed/ I’ll be waiting at your k-k-k-kitchen door.’
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| ‘And I missed hanging around wearing a towel’ |
With songs like that we can only consider it an oversight that Pop Idol has never featured a campfire song week.
But chances come and chances go, and one man who seized his with both hands, lest he not find it again in the dark, is Peter Andre.
When it comes to campfire songs, Andre is the veritable Baden-Powell, a-gingin’ and a-ganglin’ and, if Jordan let him, a goolyin’ all over the shop.
But Andre is a one-off, an original, is he not? So when it came to camping it up he famously sat on a hammock and penned a tune of which Spinal Tap would have been proud.
But genius is only one part inspiration. Andre’s Insania is three parts constipation (remember those jungle lavs?), five parts perspiration and, with a nod to girlfriend Jordan’s fan-base, nine parts masturbation.
In among all those insane things about the world that make up Peter’s lyrical warning to the planet (cloning, losing our faith, taking two bottles into the shower), Peter might like to have added ‘kicking a born entertainer when he’s down’.
But let’s leave Michael Jackson for another time, and hear instead that the ‘only’ thing Peter missed when he was away from the limelight was ‘being in the industry and enjoying myself’.
Oh and the only thing he missed was ‘the stage and recording’. Oh, and ‘touring is the one thing that I have really missed’.
That’s three ‘onlys’ in one short gob of creative juice, which is itself suggestive of a kind of Insania within Peter.
But let’s not go on a low and instead play out with another campfire classic.
Take it away Peter: ‘I’m a little acorn round/ Lying on the cold cold ground/ Somebody came and stepped on me/ That is why I’m cracked you see/ I’m a nut (clap, clap) in a rut (clap, clap)/ I’m crazy…”
Wood Floats
‘EVEN a GCSE A-grade physics student could tell you that Gary Lucy needn’t bother wearing a life jacket when he pootles around the sea off the cost of St Tropez.
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| And not an armband in sight… |
Sadly, we at Anorak Towers have not even this rudimentary qualification to call upon, but have been assured by Ted the plumber that it’s all a matter of density.
Just as the flakes from Ted’s Hob Nob biscuits float in his milky tea, wood will float on water with no bother at all.
But still, Lucy is taking no chances, and straps on a white lifejacket as he accompanies his ‘gal pal’ Katie Edwards for a jaunt on a speedy little boat.
One page on and Gary’s refusing to accept that his body has less chance of sinking without trace then his career post Footballers’ Wives.
So there he is sitting in a huge orange, rubber ring, ready to be pulled along by a boat at death-defying speeds while a few of his entourage look on from a nearby yacht.
And one of the audience might have had a word in Lucy’s shell-like since he’s suddenly come over all James Bond and can be seen on the poop deck, a bottle of bubbly in one hand, a towelling robe open to the waist on his back and a huge anchor-sized crucifix on his chest nest.
If he falls in now, he might just be in real bother – although Ted the plumber tells us that Lucy could bob about with his feet in the air and head in the water indefinitely.
Except it might attract woodworm…’
Catching TB
‘WHEN we say ‘BECKS’, whom do you think of?
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| Hard-boiled |
A few weeks back that would have been an easy question. You’d have said ‘David Beckham’ – and you’d have been right.
But now BECKS can only mean Tamara Beckwith, the girl who has shown that having a head like a painted boiled egg need not be a barrier to being considered beautiful and stylish.
So, here’s to BECKS, who in her OK! ‘BECKS AND THE CITY’ column takes us to Los Angeles to see who’s doing what over there.
Things begin brightly when BECKS tells us that she’s had a ‘long bubble bath’.
Overlooking the rare chance to tell us what she’s bathed in, BECKS does stop to tell us that she was about to put on a ‘divine Lois Vuitton baby doll’.
If, like us, you thought Louis Vuitton just made bags, try not to comment or make a disparaging remark and just know that in the high fashion stakes anything goes so long as it carries an obvious label to good effect – although an Asda shopping carrier is best avoided.
But back to BECKS, and tales of her ‘gorgeous’ boyfriend Giorgio, her ‘darling’ friend Martyn Laurence Bullard, ‘naughty ‘Swede Helena’ and ‘very cute’ Jacqui Hunter, who all turned up at some eatery to celebrate BECKS’ birthday (number not specified).
‘The lights went down and there was a hush as my birthday cake was brought in – thankfully I managed to blow out all candles in one go!’ writes BECKS breathlessly.
Which is more than that other Becks can say for himself ’
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
‘EVEN a stopped clock is right twice a day so, if you predict that every Hollywood marriage is on the rocks, you cant help but get lucky every now and then.
| Rebecca’s divorce lawyer told her she hadn’t got a leg to stand on |
On their way down to the divorce courts, therefore, in this weeks National Enquirer is CSI: Miami star David Caruso, whose long-suffering third wife is apparently ready to pull the plug on their eight-year marriage.
Hot on his heels is Dolly Parton who is going to dump her husband after a blazing row over the country superstars relationship with a childhood girlfriend.
They will just get down there in time to see Robert Downey Jnr emerging with a piece of paper confirming the end of his 12-year union with Deborah Falconer.
Happily for Nic Cage, he is such a regular visitor that he has his own entrance with a passageway connecting with the next-door wedding chapel.
The 40-year-old star is apparently already engaged to 19-year-old sushi waitress Alice Kim, despite the fact that hes still legally married to Lisa-Marie Presley.
Also quick on the remount is Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, who is already stepping out with a new man just weeks after the break-up of her marriage to John Stamos.
In fact, claims the Enquirer, the 31-year-old X-Men beauty was seeing Steve Willis who some think is a John Stamos lookalike – before the split.
A publicist claimed that the two were just friends when they appeared together at a Christian Dior fashion show in March, but the Enquirer is not so sure.
Finally, we hear that Demi and Ashton have called off their wedding news that will no doubt come as a relief to prospective guests at the $1m bash.
A few weeks ago, we reported how 41-year-old Moore and 26-year-old Kutcher were planning a party without meat, liquor or even any party poppers.
But news is that the wedding is off – not were happy to say because of any problems between the pair, but rather the opposite.
The lovebirds, the magazine explains, pulled the plug on a trip down the aisle because their romance is going so well they decided If it aint broke, dont fix it.
Words that Demi clearly had in mind when she checked in for her $400,000 body re-fit…’
Pitts Of Despair
‘BRAD Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are to split. Who said so? No less an authority than the National Enquirer, the magazine that first revealed news that Julia Robertss marriage to Danny Moder was on the rocks.
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| Brad and Jen snapped in the middle of a furious argument |
However, if the Enquirers word is not good enough for you (and it wasnt good enough for Julia who is stubbornly refusing to accept that her marriage is over), the evidence that the couple are growing apart is compelling.
On April 27th the couple were spotted dining out 2,000 miles apart he was in Chicago with five of his Oceans Twelve co-stars and she was in LA with best mate Courtney Cox.
And three days later, the couple were 3,000 miles away – Brad was in New York, while Jen was out on the town in LA.
Thats 1,000 miles in three days an alarming rate, say experts, for any couple to be growing apart.
Add that to the verdict of unnamed sources Word was, he and Jen were kaput, says one and a bit of ill-informed speculation and a break-up seems inevitable.
But the thing that has really driven the nail into the coffin of the marriage is an interview that Brad Pitt has given to this months Vanity Fair.
In it, he says: Jen and I always made a pact that well see where this relationship was going…you keep going as long as youre growing. When that dies, we do.
This startling confession, is the Enquirer says, the latest in a string of ominous signs that theres trouble in paradise.
Of course, it could have gone on to quote the rest of the Vanity Fair interview.
For instance, a quote from Brad as he stood arm in arm with his wife and bid as the interviewer goodbye – Im happier than Ive ever been.
We give it a week…’
The American Way
‘SOME people are born American, some achieve American-ness and some, like the prisoners in Abu Ghraib prison, have America thrust upon them.
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| A representative of all that is good in the world |
Anthony Hopkins belongs to the middle category, the Welsh-born actor having taken up US citizenship in 2000.
And this week the 66-year-old Oscar winner reveals his reasons in an exclusive interview with the Enquirer.
Ive worked and travelled to all corners of this earth, he says, but each and every year my love for America just grows and grows.
To me, America represents all that is good about this world.
Sentiments no doubt shared by the Iraqi civilians that have been killed by US troops, Iraqi prisoners who have been abused and tortured by US soldiers, the inmates of Camp Delta in Guantanamo Bay, the hundreds of people currently on Death Row…’
Before Victoria
‘SO far so very good. The cover of this weeks Hello! suggests that Jamie and Louise Redknapp are taking the challenge to be the new Beckhams seriously.
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| ‘If it’s a boy I’m gonna call him Manhattan’ |
We see Louise, the former pop star, lying prone on a chair, while her footballer husband puts his head on her pregnant stomach and looks inspired.
Now if they could just wear fewer clothes and show off some tattoos, and if his head could move a few inches up to her breasts, and if she can show more teeth, then we might be getting even closer.
But this is the Redknapps first time before the cameras. As the headline says: EXCLUSIVE:
PHOTOGRAPHED TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME.
So having seen the snaps, lets now take a look at the words, and see if Jamie and his elfin wife have picked up any more tips from Dave and Vicky.
The signs are in the affirmative, as Louise tells us about her great husband…wonderful family and fantastic career.
And well done indeed, as she goes onto say that her pregnancy is making her feel fat before giving a detailed account of that pregnancy to date.
And then the coup de grace. The patient build-up cannot go on indefinitely, so Hello! steps in, interrupting Louise as she moves into the second trimester of her birth seminar and announcing that in 1998 the Redknapps were seen as the hottest couple in showbusiness until Victoria and David came along.
Inevitably they are often compared to the Beckhams, says the magazine, yet Louise and Jamie have always tried to live their lives out of the limelight as much as possible.
So what changed? Well, first came Rebecca Loos and then Louise felt she and her man had got something important to share with the world.
So she tells the world how they are just like any other couple, and how he messes up the cushions and leaves all the drawers open.
We know Louise feels as good about telling us that as we do about knowing it. But shes not sitting on her laurels and goes on to say that Jamie, her best friend, is her rock.
Yes folks, why stop at the Beckhams when you can be the new Princess Diana and Paul Burrell?’
Westlife Women
‘TIME to catch up with how a few other hopefuls are getting on in the contest to be the new Beckhams.
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| ‘Oi’m posher than that feckin’ eejet’ |
So its over to Dublin we go for a date with the Westlife Wives as they perform at a fashion show.
Of course, there are no footballers in these relationships these are singer-spouse couplings – but there are legs on show that would not be out of place at some of the leading Premier League grounds.
The first pair belongs to Kerry McFadden, who proved she could strut her stylish stuff with the best of them when she took to the catwalk.
Those of an historical bent will recall when Her Poshness took to the catwalk a few years back, stepping out on the runway in a pixie-ish, pea-green creation.
Well, McPaddings outfit is nothing like that one, what with it being yellow and brown. Whats more you cant see her nipples through the fabric, as you could with Posh all those moons ago.
So what she gains in the general, she loses in the detail. But not that her companions on the runway fare much better.
To one side of her is Gillian Filan, wife of Westlifes Shane, who can be seen clad in the kind of fashion Ivana Trump used to wear to put out the bins in the mid-1980s.
There is much shiny fabric stretched tight over pink flesh. The tan is a nod to Posh, but no more than a cursory one. Gillian is a rank outsider for Poshs crown.
Georgina Bryne, who sashays up the ramp to Kerrys left hand, shows more promise. For starters, she is the daughter of Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern, so shes posher than most.
Wed like to investigate her credentials closer, but McPaddings popped up, gamely illustrating that when it comes to pushiness she can mix that with the best of them on that score too.
Im 23 and Ive done everything, says she, alluding to the time she rode an elephant backwards through a field of cocaine on they Isle of Wight while reciting her Nobelprize winning scientist paper on the cure for cancer.
Ive been in foster homes, in refuge houses and Ive travelled the world, nothing fazes me.
Shes also been cheated on by her lover, which, coupled with her musical abilities still places her at an advantage when it comes to the contest to be the new Posh ’
Designs On Success
‘WHOEVER the new Posh will be, shell need a designer to cultivate a friendship with and score some free clothes from.
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| The Empresses new clothes |
Since Posh has already snared both Dolce and Gabbana, Hello! looks at the alternatives. And it begins by visiting the Valentinos atelier.
Hello! reminds us that the Italian has an extraordinary eye for the individual beauty of a woman, and knows exactly how to bring it out.
He also aims, by his own admission, to design dresses that show off a womans bust and legs.
Which is bad news for McPadding, whose bust is already hard to miss and whose legs are hard to forget.
Next week, C&A…’
Gosh & Becks
‘SOMETIMES what we are looking for is so close that we cannot see it and perhaps that is true about OK!s search for a new Posh & Becks.
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| ‘I could eat Posh for breakfast and still ‘ave room for a kebab for afters’ |
Rather than trying to force the crown onto the reluctant heads of Danny Murphy and Joanna Taylor, the magazine should look elsewhere in its own magazine.
No, not at Jordan and Peter Andre or even Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas, but at Jade Goody and Jeff Brazier.
Jeff, after all, is a former Leyton Orient footballer and Jade is, er, a woman who has become famous for no apparent reason.
Jeff has, like Becks, also been the victim of a kiss-and-tell story in which a woman accused him of having a fling with her while Jade was pregnant – although, in Jeffs case, it turned out not to be true.
They already have one child Bobby, as opposed to Brooklyn and another due in October.
And they are as hungry for publicity as Vanessa Feltz at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
In fact, everything seems perfect for the couple to inherit the mantle of the new Posh & Becks apart from one small detail they split up hours after OK! went to press.
Or maybe thats just a case of art imitating reality…’
Tosh & Becks
‘WHY do we need a new Posh & Becks, you might ask, when you see the original version wandering around Madrid hand in hand.
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| Only boring poeple get bored |
Its a good question, but the answer appears to be that OK! columnist Kerry McFadden is bored of them.
In her hard-hitting column, the pop weeble says she cant understand people going to the National Portrait Gallery to watch a video of Beckham sleeping.
What has happened to the world? she asks. This is getting beyond a joke.
We wholeheartedly agree. Next thing theyll be sending a load of fourth-rate celebrities off to the jungle and film them sitting around all day whining about how hungry they are.
Or locking up 12 complete losers in a house for two months and showing them sunbathing.
Surely, it could never happen…’
Holy Neighbour From Hell
‘EVER since Edwina Currie alerted the world to its inherent dangers, the egg has been a bomb waiting to explode.
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| Nine out of ten Newmars prefer a quiet life |
Why throw a grenade when you can walk into any store from Chorleywood to Hollywood and buy an egg?
No licence? No problem. Eggs in packs of six, 12 or even entire trays of them can be purchased by anyone with the money and the will.
Julie Newmar was just one such shopper. One day, she or someone known to her walked into a store in the Brentwoood area of Los Angeles and bought an egg.
The woman, who shot to fame playing Catwoman in the cult 1960s TV show Batman, employed all her feline cunning to wait for the opportune moment to strike.
And when it came, she let rip.
Im not a violent person, says Newmar, 70, in the Enquirer. But Belushi wouldnt listen to my complaints about the noise. I was so exasperated I was driven to throw the egg.
Eggsasperated, eggcited or egged-on, Newmarts aim was true, causing her egg to hit the side of Belushis house.
She was duly hauled before the Beak and forced to pay her actor neighbour $5,000 in damages, and then an extra $7,000 in costs.
As the magazine says, that was quite a costly egg.
But what was it that turned a mild-mannered, pensioned-off actress into an egg-throwing maniac?
The story goes that it was John Belushis behaviour that tipped Newmar over the edge. He moved into a property adjacent to Newmars and set about creating noise.
She says that he deliberately relocated all his pool pump motors right next to her property in a concerted plot to antagonise her.
He introduced an air-conditioning unit to his property, which was so loud that it prevented Newmar from sleeping. So he moved it and then replaced the old one with two new larger units.
She claims he built a 15ft-high structure between their land, although he stopped short of attaching watch towers, checkpoints and searchlights.
That did not stop her complaining to the city council. In a letter, she wrote: I live next door to a neighbour from hell… Please help me. I need some peace.
But we fear that Julie Newmar may never know peace – not while there are eggs out there on brazen display at malls, stalls and grocery stores throughout the Hollywood hills.’
