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Fitting The Mould
‘BEHIND every stereotype is an element to truth.
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| ‘Hurry up with that Gavin, Gavin’ |
Helping us to illustrate that point, OK! has helpfully solicited the DIY skills of Gavin Lowe and his lovely family.
For those of you not in the know, Gavin is a hunky handyman who nails, glues and even screw pieces of MDF and other flimsy materials together to make a TV programme called Big Strong Boys.
So, in the name of science, well ask you to answer a few questions about Gavin and his delightful family, as revealed in this weeks OK!.
1.
Gavin, whos white, lives in:
A) an inner city estate
B) Northern Ireland
C) Surrey
2.
Gavin has two small male children. Are they called:
A) Wayne and Gavin
B) Dante and Indigo
C) Charlie and Harry?
3.
A photograph of Gavins home shows what sitting on the dining room table:
A) a label declaring the table to be 100% Formica
B) a naked Geisha covered in sushi
C) a pair of matching square candles standing on stone mats?
If you answered mostly As, then youve not been paying attention. People with children called Wayne only ever get on TV on socio-documentaries into alcoholism and truancy.
Mostly Bs. TV rules dictate that the only time anything Northern Irish occupies the media is when a part of it has been blown to smithereens. And as for the Geisha, note that no-one is allowed to steal the stars limelight.
Mostly CS. Well done. Gavin lives in Surrey, has two boys with the right names and a wife who sticks candles on top of things.
Next week, Lisa Riley…’
Bump Kin
‘FROM being too proud to push, the trend now is for a celeb to gestate like a constipated elephant.
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| ‘I’ll let you out when I’m famous’ |
In STARS AND THEIR BUMPS, OK! takes a look at the celebrities who are expecting a delivery some time never.
If we are looking at bumps and not babies, surely something has gone wrong.
Have these women concluded that the journey towards motherhood is better than the arrival? Has a medical procedure been developed to actually keep junior in the womb indefinitely?
Let me out! screams the now six-year-old child living within Kacey Ainsworth. Free the Arquette one! pleads the life form that resides within Courteney Cox.
Of course, some nippers might be happy where they are.
Showbiz demands the spectacular entrance, and the bump within Ulrika Jonsson could emerge just before the final of footballs European Championships dressed in Cuban heels and a pair of glasses, mumbling something about his commitment to England and Nancy.
Or he could be called Lance…’
Excuses Excuses
‘IF youre not already washing your hair for the whole of the month of June, get out and stock up on shampoo right now.
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| The wedding list is available at Doctors Nip ‘N’ Tuck’s emporium |
News is that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are planning to get hitched that month and, believe us, youre going to want a pretty good excuse when the invite drops through your door.
The National Enquirer explains that, because Demi is a vegetarian, guests at the $1m bash will not even get a slice of meat or a piece of chicken.
That wouldnt be so bad if you could get trashed as you spent the evening trying to work out which bits of Demis body are real.
But theres no booze either.
In fact, the whole thing sounds like a major yawnfest, with a source saying that it will be a serious wedding, not a party.
So, how do you blow a million bucks on a party thats not even a party?
Well, according to the Enquirer, Demi is planning on spending $100,000 on a dress, $200,000 on food, $75,000 on flowers, $250,000 on music and $50,000 on renting the tables and chairs.
Add the obligatory celebrity-friendly Kabbalah rings, tenting, decking, lights, security and an event planner, and the total bill for the day comes to $1,005,000.
That of course is without any of the body surgery that Demi will no doubt need to get her 41-year-old body looking perfect for the occasion.
So it turns out that it is going to be a very expensive form of torture for the 200 guests.
None of which would matter if all the guests were celebs, but apparently the only stars attending are Demis ex Bruce Willis and fellow Kabbalah devotees Madonna and Guy Ritchie.
That means there are 197 invitations unaccounted for, one of which could land on your doormat any day now.’
Julia Sloberts
‘JULIA Roberts may have been engaged more often than David Beckhams mobile phone, but these days were glad to report that shes a happily married woman.
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| You’d kick her out of bed |
However, it wasnt always thus there was a time when Julia couldnt walk past a man in the street without coming away with a ring on her finger.
A walk-on part as Chandler Bings old schoolmate in Friends was all it took for the Pretty Woman to get together with Chandler Bing himself, aka Matthew Perry.
And this week the National Enquirer lets us in on the secrets of the couples romance.
For instance, we learn that in those innocent days before text messaging, the couple fired off sizzling faxes to each other, one of which read: I love a man who can fax me five times a day.
We hear that Julia once had to tell the insatiable Perry to cool it. Down, boy, she is supposed to have said. Give a girl a chance to breathe.
And we discover that Julia is a slob, leaving her panties on the bathroom floor, toothpaste all over the sink and diet drink cans leaking their contents all over the carpet.
Which is just one of many reasons why the actress is no longer allowed through the doors of Anorak Towers.’
Krista Beau
‘LET it be said – there are no bigger fans of Ben Affleck than the people here in Anorak Towers.
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| Wooden Allen |
Indeed, whenever we are feeling in need of a good laugh, it is always to Ben we turn.
Even the sourest puss in the office cannot keep a straight face as we watch Ben ham it up in Pearl Harbor (Not anxious to die, sir anxious to matter), Gigli (Gobble, gobble) or one of his other masterpieces.
We have even invited the 31-year-old actor to drop in when hes next in this country and maybe give us an acting masterclass.
But for the moment we hear Ben is busy gambling his money away in Las Vegas and being used by Baywatch babe Krista Allen to get back at George Clooney.
A friend of 32-year-old Krista tells the Enquirer that Ben is not the guy for her, but says that she wants Clooney to get so jealous that he begs her to marry him.
A source explains: She wants George to get the message: Great guys love me.
And Ben Affleck as well…’
The Hair Apparent
‘WHO will replace the King and Queen when they are no more?
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| A snip off the old locks |
The obvious place to look is within the Beckham gene pool. And that means seeing what the likes of David’s sister is up to these days.
‘Joanne’s ambitious and talented,’ says a friend of the 22-year-old Beckham. ‘This is her first step up the career ladder.’
And it’s a step that’s taken her into the salon of a north London hairdresser’s, where Joanne is training to follow her mother Sandra and become mistress of the tonsorial arts.
‘Little surprise that one of her brother David’s favourite pastimes is having his hair cut,’ says the magazine.
Indeed, what with two hairdressers in the family, it’s a wonder he does anything other than have his hair cut.
But he’ll have to make an appointment like anyone else when Joanne achieves her ambition and opens up her own salon.
If she does cut her brother’s locks, then, in Hello!’s opinion, Joanne’s future is guaranteed. She’ll be like one of the ‘lucky ones’, Andre Phelan, who gave Dave his Mohican in 2002.
Andre is now one of then most famous people in his own household. It cannot be too long before Joanne can say the same…’
The Second Mrs Beckham
‘AFTER their made-for-TV divorce with thrones, Beckham memorabilia that splits in half and music by Elton John, what next for Vicky and Dave?
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| Becks has always got Paris…and Nicky |
Sure, the divorce may not happen and the pair may patch up any differences they have. But in these trying times, we must consider what was once unthinkable.
Posh’s future is the simpler of the two. Posh without David is like a parasite without a host. For her, life will only be renewed if she once more finds someone with whom, and on whom, she can feast.
Dave, meanwhile, will have his pick of women, notwithstanding his PA. And to help him choose, Hello! lines up a bevy of the most wonderfully rich young women out there.
Ivanka Trump, who comes plumped up by daddy Donald’s millions and, dare we says, hips, is one.
Another is Aerin Lauder, grand-daughter of Estee, the cosmetics king.
Like David, she’s a mother of two, which will give them a common bond, and perhaps also give David a decent discount on male grooming products.
Roberta Armani is the niece of David’s favourite designer, Giorgio Armani. She’s 33 years old and currently married to Milanese businessman Angelo Moratti.
Which might mean David has to settle for an affair rather than marriage.
Then there’s Barbara Berlusconi, daughter of Italian Prime Minister Silvio. She only 20, which bodes well for her child-bearing potential and, since her dad owns AC Milan football Club, David could work for the family firm.
Making up the numbers are Delphine Arnault, daughter of Bernard Arnault, chairman of French luxury goods group LMVH; Carolina Herrera, whose mother is designer Carolina Herrera, which should make introductions easy; and Fiona Winter Swarovski, whose family are big in crystal.
But to our mind the most likely suspect must be one or both of the Hilton sisters, those heirs to the hotel fortune.
Of the two, our favourite is Paris, who, like David’s son Brooklyn is named after a place, and like the man himself has long blonde hair.
The ultimate choice is his. Although, he can always ask Vicky what she thinks before making his move…’
Through The Glasses Darkly
‘IF Victoria Beckham is, as Hello! says she is, looking ‘ahead to the future with great determination and spirit’, she’s doing so through a pair of enormous dark glasses.
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| ‘The tide is high and I’m holding on, I want to be your No.1…’ |
Victoria looks less like a wronged wife and more like the produce of a bluebottle’s short romance with a garden rake as she and her goggles hold hands with her ‘did he/didn’t he?’ husband.
But to that future, and Hello! wonders what it holds in store for the couple.
However, lacking the imagination to see her divorcing her Day-vid to marry Prince William or clicking her heels and disappearing in a puff of yellow smoke, the magazine asks what some others think will happen.
‘This debacle might be the making of them,’ says Denise Robertson, who appears on TV’s This Morning show in the role of agony aunt.
‘It may not be bad thing for Victoria to realise she’s not married to someone superhuman,’ says fellow agony aunt Virginia Ironside, who adds that a long-distance relationship like theirs puts an ‘intolerable stain on a marriage’.
‘With her fiery, feisty Aires energy she’s always chasing the next goal, her next challenge,’ says ‘celebrity astrologer’ Debbie Frank.
‘That’s why she won’t settle for being a footballer’s wife and holds onto her dream of achieving a No. 1 record.’
For its part, Hello! just delivers other people’s verdicts and predictions, preferring to look backwards rather than forwards and to focus on ‘Victoria Beckham’s changing style’.
It’s all very reminiscent of the Princess Diana thing, only this time we’re looking at a car crash about to happen.
No wonder Vicky’s wearing dark glasses…’
Body Lingo
‘IF anyone were in any doubt that Prince William and Kate Middleton are now an item, then we are happy to set them straight.
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| ‘Is this dress see-through or something?’ |
Hello! has not one but two pictures of the couple on holiday together in Klosters and sharing what it calls ‘a T-bar chair lift’.
We showed these pictures to Anorak’s resident body language expert Professor Hans Trembel and this is his considered assessment.
‘It is quite clear from the way in which Kate is holding the orange pole that she is confident and sexually experienced, a real tiger in bed,’ he said.
‘William, on the other hand, is more reticent, content to let Kate take the lead.
‘From these photographs, I deduce that these two are very much into role-playing. I see Kate taking the part of a schoolteacher, with William as her naughty pupil.
‘I also observe that Kate wears earrings in both her ears, conclusive evidence that she is into body-piercing.
‘This would suggest that she has several other parts of her body pierced, including her tongue, nipples and possibly even her clitoris.
‘It would be surprising if she hadn’t also encouraged William to share her love of piercing and wear a Prince Albert, named of course after his ancestor.
‘What is interesting is that that Zara Phillips, William’s cousin, had her tongue pierced. Is William attracted to Kate because she reminds him of Zara?
‘If so, does his self-hatred at such (almost) incestuous cravings explain his obvious addiction to sado-masochistic sex play?
‘Is Kate’s role as leather-clad dominatrix at once both as a substitute for the mother who was so cruelly taken from him and an expression of his keenly felt sense of duty?’
With that Professor Tickel grabs the copy of Hello! from our desk and rushes out to the Gents where he noisily works on his theory for the next couple of hours…’
Kiss Me, Kate
‘FOR some, however, even pictures of a couple on holiday together in a romantic Swiss ski resort is not convincing proof of their sexual entanglement.
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| ‘Is that a polo stick you’ve got in your pocket, Wills…?’ |
Hello!, for instance, insists that Prince William and Kate Middleton are just good friends, despite all evidence to the contrary.
‘Yes, he does share a house with Kate,’ it says, ‘but not a bedroom.
‘It’s also true that, as well as visiting Highgrove and Balmoral, she has joined house parties William has organised at Sandringham, but then so have plenty of other girls.
‘They have a lot in common – both are sporty and love outdoor pursuits like skiing and riding – and in the past have been snapped strolling together down the main street of St Andrews on their way to and from lectures or out shopping in a local supermarket.
‘They were even spotted having supper at the town’s Dolls House restaurant, which is owned by the husband of TV presenter Carol Smillie. So what, their friends say.’
And so what, we say. What indeed does it matter that the restaurant is owned by the husband of TV presenter Carol Smillie?
Friends also point out that, although Kate was among a select group of friends invited to William’s 21st birthday party last summer, it was Jecca Craig who sat beside the Prince.
All well and good, but how do you explain the pictures of the couple on the same ‘T-bar chair lift’, eh?’
Premiere Class
‘HAVING shared a ski-lift with her, it is surely only a matter of time before Prince William consents to make an honest woman of Kate Middleton.
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| ‘Hi, Richard. Hi, Judy’ |
And as soon as he does, we very much hope that the happy couple will share their joy with Hello!, inviting the magazine into their home as Harry Secombe’s daughter Kate does this week, showing off their new baby in the manner of javelin thrower Steve Backley or talking candidly about their love a la Isabell Kristensen.
Indeed, it is hard to get away from Danish designer Isabell Kristensen in Hello! this week.
One minute she is telling us how lucky she is, at the age of 40 and with four children from her first marriage, to have found love again with 33-year-old concert organiser Kim Worsoe.
The next, she is in London at the premiere of Charlize Theron’s Oscar-winning film Monster alongside a stellar line-up that included Richard and Judy and Natasha Bedingfield, sister of Daniel.
The glamour, the glamour!’
Celebrity Matey
”THE Beckhams are fantastic. Victoria is hilarious and beautiful.’ And when Davinia Taylor was married, she was so nervous her husband-to-be had to stroke her hand!
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| If you look carefully, you can just see Kate Moss in the foreground |
Just some of the stunning revelations we are privy to in OK!’s interview with the ‘incredibly warm’ and ‘endlessly bubbly’ Jacuzzi bath of life that is the former Hollyoaks actress.
And the warmth and bubbles don’t end there because, four pages into the piece, Davinia feels the urge to fill her upstairs whirlpool bath with warm water, a generous dash of Celebrity Matey and trail her hand in it.
Had husband David Gardner been there, there’d have been no need for the hot tub, since he’d have stroked his beloved’s hand in the way only he can.
Not that Davinia is short of attention and people to call upon. At the flicker of an eyelid, she conjures up the names Kate Moss and two Frosts, Sadie and Jenny, among those she calls friends.
Having already mentioned the Beckhams, we realise that Davinia is something of a new breed. She’s not A-lister, D-lister or even a Z-list ligger – she is a Plus Oner.
Davinia is the woman who makes up the guest list, the filler. Just cock an ear to OK!’s question of her proximity to one Ms Frost.
‘You live opposite Sadie Frost. With everything that’s happened to her recently, are you always being photographed?’
What, in the background, like a tree or a parked car?
Things have gotten so extreme that Davinia stops bubbling for a minute to tell us how even her home enabled her to forge a new showbiz connection – she purchased ‘Supernova Heights’ from Noel Gallagher and Meg Matthews.
Only, we’re not sure if she told any of the showbiz set that call round that the Gallaghers ever moved out…’
Jade And (Ke)baby
”LET she who sheds the first stone forever be in the eyes of OK!’ For it is written.
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| Jade’s reading lessons weren’t going too well |
And that means more news of Jade Goody, the formerly porkie one from Big Brother, who lost the show and then lost a couple of dozen pounds in weight.
This week, Jade is on holiday in Gran Canaria, cavorting on the beach in something OK! calls a ‘white hot bikini’ in an article that begins with the line: ‘Hooray, hooray, it’s a Goody holiday.’
Like us, you wonder why Jade only gets two cheers. And we wonder if it’s got anything to do with what she’s feeding her son, Bobby.
To the casual observer, it looks like his mouth is in contact with a red mini lolly, a pharmacy of additives, enhancers and preservatives on a stick.
But we who know Jade suspect something else. Is it (gulp!) a raw kebab dripping in garlic sauce?
From where we’re sitting, it’s none too easy to tell for sure, and it’d take a brave man to get close enough to get a better look, especially with that white hot bikini to singe your fingers.
So we can only wonder. And we’ll leave you with something else to ponder on as you tuck into your own nightly kebab-on-a-stick.
‘You only have two ovaries, right?’ says Jade. ‘The left one I had a cyst on but it burst.’
Enjoy your dinner…’
Tracksuits You
‘MEANWHILE, back at Supernova Heights, Davinia Taylor takes a break from tucking into the last of what the Gallaghers left in the fridge to tell us about her plans for motherhood.
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| ‘And this is the latest husband that I love to death’ |
David and I, says Davinia, with the merest hint of a regal Beckham tinge, will start trying for a family in the summer, but I want to get thinner first.
Poor, poor, Davinia, has she learnt nothing from being a Plus Oner?
The idea is to balloon to Feltzene proportions, threaten to explode during pregnancy and then embark on a diet regime that sees you shed stones and make a made-for-bargain-bucket video called Taylor Remade.
But with Jade Goody out of town, Davinia can at least bone up on the joys of big-boned motherhood with OK!s THE YOUNG SUPERMUMS special.
In case any of you drudges were in any doubt, OK! picks up on the zeitgeist and tells us: Now its all about having it all the fabulous career, the gorgeous husband and the adorable children, while still finding enough free time to slouch around the house in a designer tracksuit.
You see where youve been going wrong? Kate Winslet did. She threw out her less-than-gorgeous husband and got a new, fashionable one.
Angelina Jolie did. She lacked the adorable nippers so she went to Cambodia and acquired a photogenic one, and then styled his hair into a mullet.
And Halle Berry did. She waved goodbye to the silver shell suit that was sooo last year and got herself a pink tracksuit.
The message is that you can have it all. And if your partner doesnt deliver it to you, adopt a couple of children (Supermum Nicole Kidman did), swap your boyfriend for a career-enabling director (Kate Becksinsale did) and get with the programme.
Failure to do all of the above will result in a life of abject failure and crushing regret. You will not have it all.
Although if you are Davinia Taylor, other peoples leftovers might keep you going for a while ’
In Bed Again With Madonna
‘THERE are few words in the English language guaranteed to strike fear into a cinemagoer’s heart as ‘Madonna is making another film’.
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| Madonna models the new C&A summer range |
Indeed, short of the phrases ‘Starring Ben Affleck’ and ‘Best British film of the year’, it is hard to think of anything more genuinely scary than news of Mrs Ritchie trying again to convince us all that she can act.
The good news, however, is that she is not planning a sequel to Swept Away, the film that won her a Worst Actress Razzie last year (and her husband a Worst Director Razzie).
The bad news is that, according to the National Enquirer, she’s planning a sequel to her 1991 documentary, known in the US as Truth Or Dare and in the UK as In Bed With Madonna.
Anyone who sat through the yawnfest that was the last film, following a 32-year-old Madonna on and off stage during her Blonde Ambition tour will not exactly be queuing up to watch the 2004 version.
Especially as the Enquirer says that 13 years on and now the mother of two children, Madonna is not expected to curse as much as she did in the last documentary.
‘Nor will she simulate oral sex with a bottle of Vichy water,’ the Enquirer says, although it does not specify whether that is because Madonna’s taste in water has changed in the intervening years or her blowjob technique needs no further refinement.
Instead, the magazine warns, we can expect plenty about Kabbalah, the celebrity-friendly sect of Judaism that Madonna has embraced.
Oh, great! There is only one thing more nauseating than listening to someone bang on about their religious or spiritual awakening and that is listening to some self-obsessed celebrity do it.
As a taste of what’s to come, a source reveals that ‘many of the rehearsals [for her forthcoming tour] have been attended by her husband, her two kids and some of the rabbis from the Kabbalah center in LA’.
Still, as long as Kevin Costner makes another appearance, it’s sure to be a box office smash…’
You’ve Been Juiced
‘IT turns out that there is something more frightening than having to sit through a whole Madonna film – appearing on America’s newest reality TV show.
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| ‘You’ve been juiced!’ |
The idea (and bear in mind that the dateline on this edition of the National Enquirer is not April 1) is for a show in which OJ Simpson surprises celebrities in the manner of Ashton Kutcher in Punk’d with the catchphrase, ‘You’ve been juiced’.
For instance, a couple – say, a blonde woman and her waiter friend – are walking up the drive of their Brentwood home one night.
Host OJ jumps out from behind the tree where he has been hiding, brutally stabs both to death and then – to much laughter from the audience – yells out: ‘You’ve been juiced!’
No wonder TV bosses and OJ himself are so excited at the prospect.
A source explains: ‘For example, in one segment a wife admits to her jealous husband that she’s having an affair with another man.
‘Before the husband can compose himself, the doorbell rings. He answers the door and there’s OJ standing in the doorway, smiling like a Cheshire cat.’
Needless to day, OJ then brutally murders the couple, finishing up with his catchphrase: ‘You’ve been juiced!”
A Sinner’s Tale
‘LAST week, we reported on how many people who had gone to watch Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ has been changed by the experience.
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| A lost sheep |
People with headaches had found that watching a man getting flogged for two hours is a better cure than any number of paracetamol.
A bank robber who saw the film apparently turned himself into police and admitted that it was he who stole $25,000 from the First Union bank in Palm Beach Gardens, Fla, in December 2001.
And a hairdresser and former soft-porn actress was so moved with religious fervour that she confessed to the National Enquirer that she had enjoyed a torrid affair with Gibson in 1988.
Unlike Gibson in his flagellation fantasy, we will spare you the graphic details except to report that the actor apparently never mentioned Jesus, God or religion to Diana Alouise.
‘We drank like a fish,’ she recalls, ‘and made love more than 20 times. And he never once used a condom.’
Having established that Gibson is a good Catholic in at least one aspect, Alouise (her 30 pieces of silver residing happily in her purse) reveals that she feels bad about what happened now.
‘I think adultery is wrong,’ she says. ‘It is a sin. And Mel was wrong to commit that sin.’
Yes, but as the Bible says, there is more rejoicing in the Kingdom of Heaven over one sheep that was lost and now is found than over 99 that were never lost.’
Addicted To Love
‘HELLO. My name is Petrina and I am addicted to therapy.
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| ‘I’ve got AA at 10, NA at 11, SLAA at 12, TA at 1, I’m flying BA at 2, seeing the DA at 3…’ |
Hello, Petrina.
I am 23 years old and I have been in therapy for addiction to cannabis, addiction to alcohol, addiction to love and of course addiction to addiction.
I consult my therapist about when to cross the road and where to cross the road. I consult my therapist about when to eat and what to eat.
Hell, I even consult my therapist about when to consult my therapist and what to consult her about.
I am what is popularly known as a screw-up, but my surnames Khashoggi, my real fathers Jonathan Aitken, I am a model and, it says here, an aspiring writer and, if you want to hear me share, youll have to pay for it
Hello!, Petrina?
Thats right. Buy a copy of this weeks Hello!
And so it is that 23-year-old Petrina Khashoggi sets the record straight about her love addiction and reveals why she is moving to New York in the pages of the glossiest magazine of them all.
I am a girl who loves being in love but not necessarily for the right reasons, she reveals, weeks after being spotted attending a meeting at Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous.
The funny thing is that I was actually told to go to the meeting by a therapist, so I just went to see what it is like.
Little did I know that someone in the room was going to pass it on to the press. Its supposed to be anonymous, like AA and NA, which I have attended as well.
Of course, because why wouldnt you?
One only wonders how Petrina managed to find the time between all her meetings to get addicted to all the things to which she is supposedly addicted.
But those were only secondary addictions. According to my therapist, she says, my primary addiction is love.
Love of therapy, love of addiction and, yes, love of addiction therapy.
Her most recent bout of counselling concerned the breakdown of her relationship with 25-year-old Tom Anson…after four months.
There are one-night stands that last longer than that.
But why, prey, did the couple split up?
I went to see the therapist before we split up at the beginning of February, says Petrina. She has a lot to do with the decision and I agreed with her.
After all, therapy is nothing if its not about giving people the tools to make their own decisions. Eh, Petrina? Petrina. What do you mean youve got another appointment?’
Lady V Sign
‘AND so we never did find out why Petrina Khashoggi is moving to New York – but we imagine it is for similar reasons that persuaded Lady Victoria Hervey to head west.
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| ‘London is, hic, much more superficial’ |
No-one wanted her here.
Hello! catches up with Lady V in Ethiopia and explains that the 27-year-old, er, lady has found her true home ‘away from the goldfish bowl of London life and in the more laidback Hollywood’.
‘My title works for me there whereas it didn’t in London,’ she explains, referring presumably to the title she inherited from her father rather than her title as The Biggest Freeloader In The Western World.
‘In London, the press seems to be against anyone who goes out and has fun. I always felt people were bitter about the fact that I had a title.’
Bitter? No. We think you’ll find that people couldn’t care less whether you had a title or not – they just didn’t like you.
In fact, the only people who think the fact that your father was the 6th Marquess Of Bristol is of any interest or relevance at all are you, Hello! magazine and the Yanks.
Lady Victoria may be as deep as the shallow end of a pygmy gnat’s swimming pool (which is why presumably she fits in so well in California), but she’s surely perfectly suited to taking over from the late Alistair Cooke and broadcasting a letter from America each week.
Her first observations are typically astute, centring on the how much care people in Los Angeles take over their appearance.
London, by contrast, ‘is much more superficial’.
Oh, Alistair Cooke must be rolling in his still warm grave…’
Old Dog, Old Trick
‘FROM fuck-up to fuckwit to Des O’Connor – and we can hardly tell you how glad we are to see his happy 72-year-old face beaming at us from the pages of Hello!
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| ‘We’ll meet again…sooner than you think’ |
There’s only so many poor little rich girls that we can take and Des may wear bad clothes, sing horribly and be as vain as a narcissistic peacock.
But give us five of him to every one Petrina or Lady Victoria any day.
And five is the number of kids that Dessie will have in a few months time after his 35-year-old partner Josie announced she was pregnant.
‘Des hasn’t stopped smiling,’ an insider at his ITV show Today With Des And Mel announced.
‘Most 72-year-olds would put their feet up after announcing their child’s impending birth, but Des was back in the studio doing his usual 12-hour shift.’
Which begs the question – just how many 72-year-old about-to-be-parents are there at ITV?’
Blonde Ambition
‘AS the clocks go forward and winter gives way to spring, it seems that it’s time for a change.
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| But gentlemen marry brunettes… |
And while Britney Spears and Emma Noble are making the journey from blonde to brunette, most of Hollywood is going the other way.
The Enquirer lines up seven starlets who have decided to check out the old adage about blondes having more fun.
Among them is Scarlett Johansson, who it would appear struck gold soon after bleaching her normally brown locks.
Not only is she dating Benicio Del Toro, despite a 17-year age gap, but she is turning heads in Europe as well.
The Enquirer reports how the Lost In Translation star was sitting having a coffee with some girlfriends while filming A Good Woman in Italy when a man asked her for a kiss.
When the 19-year-old actress declined, the man went into a nearby store, bought some gourmet chocolates and gave them to Scarlett, who let him have a peck on the cheek in return.
Not such good results, however, for another on the list, Nicole Kidman.
The Enquirer reports that the Australian actress is on the look-out for an older man.
A source says the 36-year-old is ‘tired of the immature pretty boys still going after their fill of partying and womanising’ and thinks that a man the other side of 45 would do the trick.
Jack Nicholson, for instance.’
Critical Acclaim
‘CRITICISM is relative. Ben Affleck’s recent films have been such complete turkeys that the words ‘Doesn’t completely suck’ seem like high praise.
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| More wooden than Pinocchio’s stunt double |
The Enquirer therefore is right when it says things are looking up both personally and professionally for the 31-year-old ham.
Not only has actress Ali Larter apparently replaced Jennifer Lopez in Affleck’s heart, but the buzz on his new movie Jersey Girl ‘is at least better than the dismal reception Gigli received’.
As we said, however, it is all relative.
The New York Times, for instance, says director Kevin Smith ‘has made a movie so false and blatantly icky that it’s the film equivalent of making goo-goo noises and chucking a baby under the chin for 103 minutes’.
‘At the end,’ it says, ‘all you’re left with is drool and a mountain of baby powder.’
Which might not seem too encouraging until you hear what the same paper said about Gigli -‘a hopelessly misconceived exercise in celebrity self-worship’.
Or Paycheck – ‘This smooth but bland thriller may be the best we could expect from such a collaboration, especially when Ben Affleck, an actor whose calm exterior reflects an inability to project an inner life, enters the mix’.
Or Pearl Harbor – ‘Pearl Harbor’s sound and fury signify nothing but a new kind of war porn’.
Or any of the other abominations that Affleck has been associated with.
No wonder, reports a source, ‘Ben says life is great’.’
Passion Play
‘IF you are blind, have leprosy or are just suffering from a particularly nasty hangover, can we recommend a trip to the local cinema?
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| ‘It’s done wonders for my back this walk’ |
No, not to see Jersey Girl, although watching Ben Affleck on screen for almost two hours will put your other problems into perspective.
Go instead to see Mel Gibson’s gorefest The Passion Of The Christ and join the hundreds of Americans who have been cured by the experience.
Gibson himself claims that even before the film was finished, it had been responsible for a couple of people having their sight and hearing restored.
And since then cinemagoers have been throwing away their sticks by the dozen and walking.
Psychic Anthony Carr said a woman even recovered from a migraine while watching the film.
And the Rev Jerry Faldwell, one of most whacked out of all the religious loons on the other side of the Atlantic, told the Enquirer: ‘May people who have seen Mr Gibson’s film have come to me saying that they felt the actual presence of God in the theatre.’
So is there truth in all these claims?
We could of course quote the figures that suggest that 40% of Americans believe they have been abducted by aliens.
But instead we will merely suggest that, if this film really can perform miracles, then can it make Ben Affleck turn in a decent acting performance?’
Noble Calling
‘COULD it be that Britney Spears has a secret muse in the curvy shape of Emma Noble, one-time underwear model and one-time wife to James Major?
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| Emma waits for the call from Martin Scorsese |
Not only are both advocates of the adage that a husband is for Christmas and not for life, but Britney’s transition from blonde to brunette came only days after a similar metamorphosis by Emma.
However, there the similarities end.
Britney may have struggled in her forays into the acting (as anyone who has seen Crossroads will attest), but Emma has made the difficult move from modelling to acting ‘with the greatest of ease’.
In fact, you’ll have probably seen her queuing up with her fellow thespians for her giro recently.
But it wasn’t just boredom that spurred Emma to dye her hair back to its natural colour after 10 years as a blonde. There were professional reasons too.
‘I think there are more roles for leading women who are brunettes,’ Emma explains to OK! ‘And on the whole they are far more interesting parts as well.
‘The blonde bombshell doesn’t seem to really go down too well in this film-making culture.’
Cynics who sought to put Emma’s absence from our TV screens since the sad demise of Crossroads down to a lack of talent, eat your words.
It was hair colour that has been holding her back and, with the help of her colourist at Jo Hansford, Hollywood beckons.
And not just Hollywood – Emma has got an autobiography coming out later this year, which (says OK!) ‘is sure to be a riveting read’, detailing her rise from a model to an, er, ex-model.
With the foundations on which she built her career, judging by the pictures in OK!, still very much in place, it is not too much to suggest that we fully expect to see Emma very soon back on the top shelf [surely, the top of her profession – Ed] where she belongs.’
The Heat’s On
‘HAD Emma Noble’s erstwhile husband James Major not acted so unreasonably in refusing his wife sex for months at a time, he would surely now be one half of one of the hottest couples in Britain at the moment.
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| ‘To vote for Andy, phone 0898 456901’ |
But in their absence, it is a crown that sits easily on the heads of Popstars reject Michelle Heaton and her boyfriend, Pop Idol loser Andy Scott-Lee.
They are, in the words of OK!, ‘pop’s hottest couple’ and this week they share intimate details of their life together, even revealing their future children’s names (Chloe and Connor, in case you are remotely interested).
Now we can only assume that this is a case of mistaken identity because the last we knew of Andy was that his band 3SL had been dropped by its record label, he had been voted off Pop Idol and his sister’s post-Steps solo career had hit the skids.
When OK! asks ‘How have you adjusted to life as famous pop stars?’, it is perhaps under the impression that it is talking to, well, a couple of famous pop stars.
Michelle has at least had a couple of hit singles with Liberty X, but as Andy modestly admits ‘I have a lot more that I want to achieve’.
To be known as something other than ‘the brother of the dark one from Steps, you know, the one who’s going out with the Geordie bird from Liberty X’ would be a start.’
