Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Passion Play
‘IF you are blind, have leprosy or are just suffering from a particularly nasty hangover, can we recommend a trip to the local cinema?
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| ‘It’s done wonders for my back this walk’ |
No, not to see Jersey Girl, although watching Ben Affleck on screen for almost two hours will put your other problems into perspective.
Go instead to see Mel Gibson’s gorefest The Passion Of The Christ and join the hundreds of Americans who have been cured by the experience.
Gibson himself claims that even before the film was finished, it had been responsible for a couple of people having their sight and hearing restored.
And since then cinemagoers have been throwing away their sticks by the dozen and walking.
Psychic Anthony Carr said a woman even recovered from a migraine while watching the film.
And the Rev Jerry Faldwell, one of most whacked out of all the religious loons on the other side of the Atlantic, told the Enquirer: ‘May people who have seen Mr Gibson’s film have come to me saying that they felt the actual presence of God in the theatre.’
So is there truth in all these claims?
We could of course quote the figures that suggest that 40% of Americans believe they have been abducted by aliens.
But instead we will merely suggest that, if this film really can perform miracles, then can it make Ben Affleck turn in a decent acting performance?’
Unstoppable Sarah
‘OKAY, so what’s the formula for momentum? Anyone? Any ideas? Yes, that’s right – it’s mass times velocity. Congratulations! Put yourself down for an A grade in your Physics GCSE.
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| The style that conquered America |
Why the science lesson, you ask. Has the teaching shortage in our schools got so bad that Anorak staffers are acting as supply teachers in their spare time?
Pah! You should know that we at Anorak don’t know the meaning of spare time.
From the moment that we punch in at Anorak Towers and descend into the dungeon that we call an office to the moment we punch out 16 exhausted hours later, we are on the clock.
Indeed, our keyboards are alarmed such that if our typing speed drops below 50 words per minute at any time during the day, an alarm is activated.
If Keanu Reeves thought he had it bad, he should try working here for a few days.
Anyway, we digress. The reason why it’s important that you are aware of the formula for momentum is that it provides the explanation for Hello!’s introduction of Sarah Ferguson as the ‘unstoppable’ Duchess of York.
Indeed, such is the mass that was once married to Prince Andrew that even at slow speeds she is like a runaway train. At full speed, she is literally (as the magazine observes) unstoppable.
And it is full steam ahead for Fergie at the moment, as evidenced by her appearance with the Blairs at the Pride Of Britain Awards.
‘To make such a head-turning entrance with the most important political couple in the land,’ says Hello!, ‘is proof positive that Sarah, once overwhelmed by debt and disgrace, has worked her way back to the top.’
Considering that she started at the toe 12 years ago, it’s taken a while – but now we hear that Fergie has conquered not just one American banker but the whole of America.
This might come as news to the Americans, but a couple of appearances on Larry King Live and a job promoting Weightwatchers is considered a conquest these days.
‘I call her Unstoppable Sarah,’ said an onlooker at the Pride Of Britain Awards, ‘because she just keeps on getting more and more successful.’
And harder and harder to stop.’
Crystal Balls
‘SEEING as Cherie Blair’s devotion to former topless model Carole Caplin has long been a political embarrassment to her husband, we hope she gets a lot out of it.
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| Carole tries out a possible new look for Cherie |
We hope that the crystals round her neck help to ward off evils spirits or whatever they’re supposed to do.
We hope the showers which she shares with Carole have the desired effect in ridding her of the toxins.
And we hope that the exercises that she does with Carole to release her sexual chakras give her husband succour after a hard day at war with the enemy du jour.
We hope so because Carole is manifestly appalling at the one thing that she admits to helping Cherie with, namely her dress sense.
Hello! has a picture of the first lady of British politics at an event called the Chocolate Ball, an event to raise money for Sargent Cancer Care For Children.
And all we can truthfully say about it is that, from the outfit Cherie is wearing, we can understand why Carole Caplin spent so much of her life semi-naked.’
The Bride of Wildenstein
”LIFE is like a big cake and each time you cut a piece you evolve. Whether you stay married or not married, you always try to evolve, try to have a new creation around you.’
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| ‘I’ve just had a little work on my eyes’ |
The words not of the Duchess of York but of Jocelyne Wildenstein, socialite and, according to Hello!, devotee of plastic surgery.
And judging by the accompanying pictures of the Swiss-born ex-wife of Alec Wildenstein (son of the art world’s richest and most powerful family), that new creation is normally Jocelyne’s face.
‘I have not had as much done as the media have reported,’ says the woman known as the Bride Of Wildenstein, when asked by Hello! about her various visits to the cosmetic surgeon.
‘The publicity about me has been very exaggerated and unfair. The only procedures I have had done were fixing my eyes and so on.’
Her eyes and so on to her nose and her cheekbones and her lips and her chin and jawline…’
Days Of Her Life
‘HOW do you pull together the strands of a hectic and sometimes cray-zee showbix life?
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| Chalk and cheese |
You can hire a secretary, a PR, a stylist and someone to run your bath.
But if youre as refreshingly down to earth as superstar Kerry McFadden, you simply pick up your pen, dip it in some greenish ink and get to work on your diary.
Its a deeply personal things is a diary, but OK! has found the key to Kerrys jottings and now sensationally displays the contents therein to the world.
First thing to note is that Kerrys OK! Diary is not as yours and mine, divided into days of the week, but split into people.
Monday means husband Bryan and the news that Kerry is standing by her man, who has just quit his job in Westlife.
At the end of the day, if Bryan is happy then Im happy, says she – although at the end of the day, if Bryan is with a lap-dancer, Kerry might care to review her position.
Tuesday is Peter and Jordan, to whom she wishes good luck. Kerry is pleased for them and thinks they make a great couple.
Looking at pictures of them, they make Bryan and me feel like Wayne and Waynetta Slob!
But before Kerry gets ideas above her station and all hoity-toity, she says that she and Bryan never get papped or anything – although, given the content of her diary, there seems more than enough pap to go around.
Wednesday and its Jodie Marsh and Kerrys hope that the woman who used to date Fran Cosgrove is not pregnant.
I think its tough being a single mother, says Kerry, whether youre in the public spotlight or not.
She then reminds herself and us that she never met her dad, but turned out all right not exactly normal but Im all right.
Thursday is Natalie Appleton, who named her baby son Ace. If I had a boy, Id call him Bryan after his daddy, says Kerry, and not Ace or something hideous like Rumor, Scout and Tallulah.
I picked Molly McFadden as it sounds like a stars name, says she, although not a patch on Betelgeuse or Bryan.
And Lilly didnt have a name at all for two days. We called her Baby Girl, then Lilly popped into my head… Ill keep it simple for any little arrivals who might turn up in future!
Simple is just not in it.
But before we know it, its Friday, and that means an appearance in a carriage at the annual St Patricks Day carnival in Dublin.
She then watched the England v Ireland rugby match in the back of a car with her minder, who is 100% Irish and going mad.
But when Ireland and England play, says Kerry, I always become Hungarian.
But dont worry, Kerrys not into defenestration and feeling suicidal, what with her being only one quarter Hungarian.
Shes just content to duck the issue and so avoid getting stuck in the middle of things.
And so its onto Saturday and Sunday, pages left blank in the diary but pretty certain to be called Molly and Lilly…’
Little Mo Is Less
‘IF Kacey Ainsworth published a diary it would most likely say but one thing over and over and over: BABIES!
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| Do not sell this woman an iron |
In case anyone is in any doubt about it, the woman who plays the resident EastEnders village idiot Little Mo is eight months pregnant.
With the due date barely a month away, Kacey is getting breathless, and can barely draw breath between each new revelation on her condition.
To keep the oxygen flowing and save Kaceys brain from freezing up with the sheer breathless excitement of it all, fiancé Darren Hales is along for medical support.
To begin, Kacey tells us that she felt really sick for the first four months of her pregnancy and whatever she ate at lunchtime came straight back up.
Whats more, her pregnancy has nothing to do with the fact that the character she plays on the telly is also pregnant, becoming so after being raped in the Queen Vic pub.
It was planned for Little Mo to become pregnant before I became pregnant in real life, says Kacey, so I have actually blamed the writers for it!
They jinxed me in the best possible way.
We should point out that Darren believes in consensual sex and has never been fingered as a suspect in the crime.
However, given the blurring between fiction and what passes for reality, what we knew for sure becomes less certain with every passing day…’
Mum’s The Word
‘AND now a shock! Twiggy is not only alive and thin but appearing in OK! without a child!
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| What’s the good of being thin without babies? |
Whats more she appears not to be pregnant, considering pregnancy or indeed contemplating her womb in any way, shape or form.
We wonder how this was allowed to happen? Twiggy might well be a very British icon and a national institution but, since shes not pregnant, we wonder what the hell OK! is doing talking to her.
Did OK! mistake her for someone else? The blonde hair is like Kerry McFaddens, but surely that is where the similarity begins and ends.
Twiggy is as thin as Victoria Beckham, which may account for some kind of mix-up.
And, like Vicky, Twiggy has hung out with some notable names, reeling off the likes of Fred Astaire and her great mate Paul McCartney.
But Fred is no David Furnish and Paul McCartney is no Damon Dash, so the case for mistaken identity once more looks inadequate.
We may never know the real reason as to how this error was allowed to occur, but we are sure that heads will roll at OK!.’
Onward, Christian Slater
‘IS there a word for an addiction to strippers? If not, perhaps the medical profession should invent one to describe the condition.
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| Christian gets to grips with stripper |
With our classical education, may we humbly suggest Gymnophilia – and, as our first celebrity sufferer, may we present Christian Slater.
The diagnosis of Slater’s gymnophilia comes courtesy of the National Enquirer, which reports that the actor spent an entire night at a girlie bar in LA ‘less than one year’ after carousing with strippers in Canada.
And not only has Slater visited a strip bar twice in 12 months, but he is also said to be considering making a movie about his first visit – to Brandi’s Exotic Nightclub in Vancouver.
Then, Slater, wife Ryan Haddon, Tara Reid and Ben Affleck ‘cut it loose’ in what the magazine describes as ‘an outrageous outing’ which was credited as a key reason why Affleck and Jennifer Lopez cancelled their wedding plans.
‘If Slater makes his movie,’ the Enquirer says, ‘his debauched night – which continued with an after-party at his rented house that included group gropes, drugs and booze, oral sex and a stripped shaving Slater’s hairy back – will live on forever.’
In the same way that other stripper movies like Striptease and Showgirls live on in our memories…as among the worst films ever made.’
Devil Has All The Best Tunes
‘WHEN, as frequently happens, the antiquated computers in Anorak Towers crash, we usually respond in time-honoured fashion by banging our hand down on the top of the terminal and uttering imprecations about Bill Gates, creator of the Windows 67 software which we use.
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| ‘C’mon, Debney, if you think you’re hard enough!’ |
At times, we have been known to include all goggle-eyed geeks, men called Russell and fans of country music in our expletive-studded tirade.
But never so far have we been tempted to blame Satan for our IT shortcomings.
Not so John Debney, composer of the music for Mel Gibson’s The Passion Of The Christ, who claims that Lucifer himself tried to sabotage the movie.
‘I had all these computers and synthesizers in my studio and the hard drives would go down,’ he said.
‘When I was trying to write music to the scene that shows Satan’s face and I had this digital face on my screen, the computer would just freeze on his face.
‘Then the volume would go to 10. It would happen all the time.’
The unenlightened might suspect that Debney had just overloaded his computer, but his explanation that the hardware was in fact possessed by the devil is in fact far more plausible.
One day, in fact, Beelzebub’s tauntings became so much that Debney challenged the Prince Of Darkness to a fistfight.
‘I walked down the stairs to the parking lot and I was saying to Satan: ‘Manifest yourself right now! Come on, let’s go, now!’
Mystifyingly, the Devil didn’t manifest himself but, says Debney, ‘I wished he would have’.
Of course, because in a scrap between the Fount Of All Evil and some obscure composer, there is always only going to be one winner.
Even fellow God-botherers seem sceptical about Debney’s claims, although Dan Wooding, the reporters for ASSIST Ministries news service who conducted the interview, said the site collapsed as soon as he put the interview up.
‘That never happened before.’
Maybe not, but the canteen at the ASSIST Ministries news service has managed to feed its staff for the past 13 years on just two loaves and five fishes…’
Lips Serviced
‘WHAT was Demi Moore doing planting a big liplock on an as yet unidentified girlfriend outside a trendy West Hollywood hotel?
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| Demi shows off her 1996 lips |
Had she, as the National Enquirer claims, been taking lessons at the Madonna-Britney Spears School Of Kissing?
Or was she, as Anorak believes, merely road-testing a new pair of lips with a view to making a purchase?
An eyewitness describes the clinch thus.
‘Demi leaned in to her friend with eyes wide shut and kissed her – lips to lips – for a very long second or two before getting into her SUV and driving off.
This is not the first time that Demi has been snapped giving a lip kiss to another woman – in 1997 she planted ‘a big, fat, juicy one’ on actress Anne Heche.
And it may just be coincidence but not long after that the Striptease star included a pair of Heche-esque lips in her $400,000 total body refit.
Stay tuned.’
Happy Mothers’ Day
‘MOTHER’S Day is a time to look at your own mother – then to look at all the mothers featured in OK! and realise how bad a hand fate has dealt you.
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| ‘Who are you calling a monosyllabic moron?’ |
Your mother might profess to love you, but did she ever say so much in the pages of Hello!? Did she ever divorce your dad and marry someone richer and better looking? Did she ever have an eating disorder or a problematic womb?
No, she did not. And it’s only out of routine she’ll be getting a pulled-up daisy from the local park and a homemade card this year.
If only she were more like Claudia Schiffer, you’d be called something interesting like Caspar and your mum would be taking sense.
‘I’d always listened to first-time parents banging on about their new babies and thought that they sounded like monosyllabic morons,’ says Claudia.
‘And now here I am sounding like a monosyllabic moron. It just renders you speechless.’
This is far from the truth since Casper is blessed with two syllables, and so is not one bit like those ubiquitous celebrity offspring Jake and Max, and Claudia is not speechless since she is speaking.
If she wants to be struck dumb she should have called her child Louise, as that other mum of renown Sophie Wessex called her child, and had it fathered by Prince Edward.
A shot of Lady Louise in this Mother’s Day special shows her to be every bit as handsome as her dad and as hard working as her mum. Louise is one of the lucky ones, who got celebrity parents.
Just like Marina has Matt Le Blanc and Melissa McKnight to call mom and dad; just like James has Sara Jessica Parker to look up to; and just like Beatrice can coo at Heather Mills.
These are the mothers that care, cuts above the usual dross. And we salute them, and wonder why out our mothers did not love us enough to show us off in Hello!…’
Cat’s Litter
‘HOW lucky Carlo, Larissa and Luca are to have a mum like Catrina Skepper!
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| ‘A crash of drums, a flash of light…’ |
Not only was Catrina once linked to Prince Andrew, but she has blonde hair, a home in Chelsea and a husband called Count Alessandro Guerrini-Maraldi.
But resist the urge to send Catrina a Mother’s Day card since she has no time to open them what with her busy schedule of posing for pictures and the hours spent thinking how lucky she is.
You see, for ages Catrina did not think she could get pregnant. ‘I thought I was hormonal,’ she says, recalling the time she attended the funeral of her husband’s father.
‘In the church, at his memorial in London, I remember this amazing beam of light came through the window and suddenly I had this strange instinct that I was pregnant.’
(By sheer coincidence at the very same moment the driver of the No.73 night bus from Knightsbridge to Stoke Newington had a feeling that his bus was running out of control and heading towards a packed church.)
And so a baby – nay, a ray of light – came into her life. And Catrina had three children to tell their staff to send mummy cards and flowers once a year – every year!’
Cherie’s Baby
”CHERIE Lunghi runs a hand through her shiny hair, the colour of deep chestnut, and fixes you with those ice-blue eyes.’
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| With one leg much longer than the other, Cherie had great trouble walking properly |
So says Hello! as it zooms in on another mother, interviewing the actress in her London home.
Oh, and just in case you’re curious, there’s her 18-year-old daughter, Nathalie, from Cherie’s relationship with director Roland Joffe.
Before we go on, Nathalie wants it to be known that she does not need the exposure of being Cherie’s daughter and the daughter of the man who directed such notable flicks as the Killing Fields and The Spongers.
She might well be about to leave for LA, where she will embark on a three-month course at the Lee Strasberg acting school, but she wants to make the journey to fame under her own steam.
‘It’ll be good for Nats to be out of my shadow,’ says Cherie. ‘I’ve always wanted her to succeed on her own merit. But then so has she. She’s dying to be the actress and not the daughter of the actress.’ Or of the director.
So she’s going to appear in a couple more pictures with her mum and then she’ll off on her own, like a fledgling leaving the nest, albeit with her mother’s sage-like advice reverberating in her ears.
‘But she has never hidden how precarious this profession can be,’ says Nathalie of her mum, whom she will not mention. ”Do it if you feel you must,’ she says, ‘and love it. But do understand you’ll meet a lot of rejection along the way.’ I’m determined to succeed, though.’
And with that she’s off, leaving her mother behind, a mother who loved enough to let her go with barely a push up fame’s greasy pole.’
Pap Royalty
‘THE King is dead! Long live the King!
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| Pound-for-pound bigger than the Beckhams |
There was a time when David Beckham ruled the roost at OK! the undisputed king of celebrity, his wife Victoria his empty-headed queen sitting beside him on their his n her thrones.
But times change, dynasties rise and fall, footballers move to Madrid and it is time to bestow the crown on some other vacuous young couple.
And who better than Westlife crooner Bryan McPadding and his large-chested wife Kerry!
Kerry is already a queen in OK!s eyes, courtesy of her ability to spend 10 days in a prefabricated jungle with a bunch of other no-marks.
And Bryans erstwhile membership of the blandest pop group in musical history (as well, of course, as his marriage to Our Kerry) earns him royal status as well.
Its Queen Kerry and King Bryan, the magazine gushes as Westlife pick up a prize at the Ireland Music Awards 2004, being voted Best Pop Act for the fourth time running.
And to celebrate their coronation as the new sovereigns of pap culture, the McPuddings grant a world exclusive audience to OK!
In it, we learn not only about the couples love for each other and their love for their children, but also about their love for OK!
I love OK! for the pictures and gossip, says Kerry (about her employers), and I have yet to see a bad photo of myself in the magazine!
Thats very much a matter of opinion but OK! is certainly happy to repay the flattery with some brown-nosing of its own.
Its hard to believe the couple are both only 23, it says, as theyve already achieved more than most people could only dream of in a lifetime.
What these achievements are OK! declines to say, but winning a reality TV show for being the most homesick contestant is not exactly top of most peoples CV.
Nor, it seems, does a career as a comedian await Kerrys joke about farting as she presented an award at the Brits fell as flat as her chest is not.
If I think of things to be funny, theyre not funny she admits, whereas Im normally a really spontaneous person.
In other words, she can be unfunny off the cuff as well as off a script. A career as a TV presenter awaits…’
Ooooh, Nurse
‘IF for any reason Bryan and Kerry do not live up to their early promise, who will take their place?
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| Spot the celebrity |
Thats easy waiting in the wings, like a grinning Prince Of Wales, is Footballers Wives stud Gary Lucy and his girlfriend Natasha Gray.
What could be more perfect? Theyre young, theyre in love and, er, theyre happy to sell their story to OK!
When they arrive for their exclusive interview about their blossoming affections, the magazine gushes, OK! were greeted by two people who are quite clearly in love.
Of course, there is the slight problem that Natasha is a trainee nurse (Shes the intelligent one out of us, says Gary) and not a celebrity.
But, as Abi Titmuss has shown, that is not a problem that a quick boob job and a couple of outings on OK! owner Richard Desmonds Channel X cant rectify.’
Let Her Eat Cake
‘WHEN Pierce Brosnan married Keely Shaye Smith on an enchanted evening at Irelands Ashford Castle, it seemed the fairytale would never end.
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| The mystery as to why guests did not get a slice of going-home cake was becoming obvious |
An enormous ice sculpture of Rodins The Kiss seemed to epitomise the couples love and, as they cut their six-tiered wedding cake, they were showered with rose petals.
However, that was then and this is now and what Pierce hadnt bargained on was that Keely would not stop eating from that moment to this.
And two and a half years of cake has taken its toll on Keelys figure, judging by pictures in this weeks OK!
The magazine might still stick to the official line that Keely is gorgeous, but the camera (and Pierces face, as the couple stroll to the local fire station from their beachfront home in Malibu) says otherwise.
Thankfully, however, our eyes are soon diverted from Keelys ever expanding girth by another Irish actor.
Yes, Colin Farrell (on crutches after falling down a hotel staircase) is pictured also in Malibu with his, er, photogenic son James.
Regular Anorak readers will know the esteem in which we hold little James and that is why we are delighted to know that Colin has set up a £3m trust fund for the little mite.
It should go a long way to paying for the cosmetic surgery he might need.’
Alley Oops!
‘IF Jennifer Lopez and Martine McCutcheon are right and a big backside is the true mark of your Hollywood status, Kirstie Alley is the star atop the tree.
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| ‘Norm!’ |
News is that the former Cheers actress is now tipping the scales at a not inconsiderable 301lbs.
Apparently, shes been hurt by love and now instead of smooching a man, she makes out with a large burger and fries.
Kirstie seems to have given up on preserving her once stunning good looks, says a source. The tragedy is that some of the folks who once adored her as a sex symbol have to give her a double take before they even recognise her.
And so they dont mistake her for someone else who forgot to put their make-up on.’
Lipstick Service
‘STARS are at pains to explain to the watching millions that what you see is not the real them.
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| Calista lightens the load |
While the Hollywood persona is a vain, often bitchy, frequently insecure psychotic, the real me is a happy-go-lucky jobbing thespian.
Sure, they are rich, drive around in fancy cars, take holidays in unpronounceable places and pull on new breasts and noses like the rest of us pull on socks, but they are in every other way our equals.
And if you doubt that, you should take a look at the stars without their make-up, a revelation brought to you by the National Enquirer.
In 28 pictures they did not want you to see, the Enquirer reveals that beneath the trappings Hollywoods stars are not all that.
Some like Edie Falco and Diane Keaton are not all that with make-up on, so seeing them in the raw fails to produce the invited gasps of horror.
Indeed, what promises so much in the headlines peters out to not much at all, as we get to see that Sarah Jessica Parker, the long-faced skinny one from Sex And The City, is pretty much as she is – long-faced and skinny.
Her SATC co-star, Cynthia Nixon, is every bit as red of hair and pale of flesh without the warpaint as she is with it. So no great shock there, either.
Calista Flockhart does look half the woman in weight alone without a good layer of lipstick and eyeliner, and Kate Hudsons features seem to have disappeared entirely when greasepaint is not applied.
But the only real news is that Catherine Zeta Jones look pretty good without make-up as she does with it, although rumour has it that things alter radically when she eats.
Sadly photographs of that are proving very hard to come by…’
The Bum’s Rush
‘FROM time to time we like to see what our British exports in the Hollywood hills are getting up to.
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| The next Mrs Ben Affleck |
Not everyone can be a Hugh Grant and make headlines for just parking is car, so its up to us and the Enquirer to seek out the lesser stories.
And the least known of all is that Martine McCutcheon, she of EastEnders fame, is in Hollywood trying to carve out a career on the silver screen.
But things are not going to plan. Buoyed by her early success as a char in the syrupy English Tourism Board flick Love Actually, reports are that things have gone to the poor girls head.
Having already hired the same agent as Catherine Zeta Jones, McCutcheon is said to have told the Hollywood mavens that she was prepared to as Jones did and award a statuette at the recent Oscars do.
The Academy declined her offer, and McCutcheon was left to drown her sorrows at Elton Johns post-Oscars bash.
There, apparently, McCutcheon drank to excess and lurched around in an unbecoming manner in front of many of the top film executives. She also gyrated in a bizarre fashion when the music came on.
But her biggest error was to have begged for admittance into the VIP area after being denied access.
Yet still McCutcheon has been heard to say: They have been rally positive in L.A. They say Im Englands answer to Jennifer Lopez.
In other words, shes got a big backside and cant act.’
Breaking Up – The Breakdown
‘IT is a truth universally acknowledged that a Hollywood star in possession of a good fortune should be in want of a wife…and a damn good divorce lawyer.
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| ‘And that’s after $20,000 of plastic surgery!’ |
That at least seems to be the message in this week’s Hello! as the magazine details some of the biggest pay-outs in the history of Tinseltown.
Thrice-married Ivana Trump may be honorary patron of the Ex-Wives’ Club, once telling women, ‘Remember girls, don’t get mad, get everything’, but the £10m settlement she received from property tycoon Donald Trump pales into insignificance compared with the pay-offs some have received.
Apparently, Steven Spielberg paid a cool $100m to actress Amy Irving, Tom Cruise handed over $109m to Nicole Kidman, Harrison Ford’s divorce from Melissa Mathison cost him $118m and – the daddy of them all – Neil Diamond wrote his ex-wife Marcia a cheque for $150m when they split up in 1996.
Not only that but Diamond didn’t begrudge his wife a cent, saying: ‘She’s been through thick and thin with me for 25 years. I’m happy to give it.’
No wonder they say a Diamond is a girl’s best friend.
All of which comes as little consolation to Lionel Richie, who admits that he is ‘scared to death’ by the demands of his soon-to-be-ex-wife of eight years, Diane.
To get a glimpse of what life is like as the spouse of the rich and famous, Diane enumerates her expenditure.
‘I spend in excess of $50,000 a month for my own personal services,’ she says, ‘entertainment and shopping, including, but not limited to, dermatology of $3,000 a month, a minimum of $600 on hair, $250 on nails, $150 on electrolysis, $1,000 on laser hair removal, $450 on facials, $500 on my trainer, $600 for Pilates, $600 on massages, $600 on therapy, at least $3,000 to $5,00 on entertainment (restaurants, movies, theatre etc.), at least $10,000 to $15,000 on clothing, shoes and purses, $5,000 on jewellery, $5,000 for gifts on birthdays, wedding anniversaries, graduations etc., $500 to £1,000 on computer lessons, $500 to $600 for vitamins, as well as $500 for alterations, dry cleaning and clothing repair.’
‘In addition to nine full-time staff,’ she continues, ‘we also employ people to maintain our plants, detail our cars, care for our pool, groom our dog, maintain our aquarium and a painter for regular touch-ups on the house.’
On top of this, Diane needs $75,000 for the monthly mortgage on her $40m Beverly Hills mansion, $20,000 on plastic surgery, $125,000 for her son’s school fees, $15,000 for her daughter’s tuition and a further $400 to send five-year-old Sofia to therapy.’
All in all, it amounts to a cool $300,000 a month – and that’s not even including the weekly grocery shop.’
Hair To The Throne
‘BREAKING up is hard to do, especially when you have to fork out $1,000 a month to have your ex-wife’s unwanted hair removed by laser, but it is much harder to have someone you love taken from you.
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| Harry won gutted at losing another line-out |
And seven and a half years after the Queen of its – and, let’s face it, all of our – Hearts was cruelly taken, Hello! still bears the scars as if it were yesterday.
Luckily, however, Prince Harry has taken up where his mother left off, not by throwing himself down the stairs but by joining the fight against AIDS in Africa.
Not for Harry the excesses of Diane Richie – his own hair cut cost just 40p, courtesy of a roadside barber in Lesotho’s capital, Maseru.
[Lionel Richie, please note: Mutuse ‘The Blade’ Motisili also does women’s hair, with prices starting at an introductory 75p for a basic wash and dry.]
Helping orphans in Africa may not gel with Harry’s image as a playboy prince, but Hello! knows that, like his mum, he’s a more complex character than most give him credit for.
‘Of course, like most men of his age, he enjoys clubbing in the company of pretty girls,’ it says.
‘But facing two months in one of the most barren regions in Africa, it was not surprising he wanted to let his hair down beforehand.’
Particularly as The Blade was just about to get hold of it.’
Charlize A Whizz
‘IF Prince Harry wants to continue his work with Africans who have had difficult upbringings when he returns from Lesotho, he could do worse than look up Oscar-winning actress Charlize Theron.
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| Class 3C enjoyed maths lessons with Miss Theron |
The 28-year-old when her mother Gerda shot her abusive husband dead in front of her teenaged daughter in act of self-defence at the family home in Benoni, near Johannesburg.
It was an incident that split the Theron family, many of whom haven’t spoken since – but it was the making of Charlize.
‘Worried that Charlize would be scarred by what happened,’ Hello! recalls, ‘and recognising her considerable talents, Gerda was determined for her daughter to get out of South Africa and pursue her dreams.
‘She encouraged her at the age of 16 to leave the country on a modelling assignment in Milan and allowed her to travel round Europe for the rest of the year.’
The rest, as they say, is history – and Hello! has the modelling photos to prove it.
Charlize may now be resident in the United States, but Harry may not have to travel that far to provide her with his own special Royal brand of pastoral care.
For the star of Monster could soon be a resident of the Emerald Isle.
‘I’ve fallen in love with Ireland,’ she says. ‘I’d love to live there one day and I absolutely love Guinness.’
She likes a drink, from recent photos in the National Enquirer it appears she likes the occasional spliff, all Charlize needs to do now is take up polo and she’ll be Harry’s perfect woman.
Oh – and of course there’s the small matter of her Irish boyfriend, Stuart Townsend.
Over to you, ‘Arry.’
Anything But Average
‘YOU can tell a lot about someones standing by the calibre of the enemies they attract.
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| Jordan’s knee pads had often saved the day |
Would, for instance, Winston Churchill have become the embodiment of the British spirit had it not been for Adolf Hitler doing his bit for world unity?
Would Tony Blair be what he is today without the work of Saddam Hussain?
As such, would Jordan be the woman she is had it not been for a lorryload of silicone and her feud with Victoria Beckham, nee Adams, latterly Posh and today plain Mrs Average.
In Let battle commence, Jordan, nee Katie Price, latterly a dog (source: Posh), says: I think Victoria looks immaculate, but I dont think shes pretty. Shes average.
There is the killer word: average. No-one on the celebrity circuit (aside from Kerry McPudden, who is refreshingly average) wants to be Ms Normal.
They crave individuality. When Jordans breasts are average, she inflates them until they are well beyond the mean.
When La Posh has average hair, she buys some Russian locks and has them attached to her scalp. When her voice is average, sound engineers are hired to make her sound musically gifted.
Average is just about as cutting a comment as it gets. It would have been kinder if Jordan had called her nemesis a munter or a tone-deaf parasite. Anything but average.’
Has Beans
‘HAS anyone else noticed that since Jordan erupted onto the scene, OK! has spent little time actually speaking with the Beckhams?
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| ‘Here’s one we made earlier’ |
We have, and are less than pleased to see such behaviour repeated this week, as the magazine once more cant be bothered to ask Posh and Day-vid what they think of something or other.
There are photographs of the pair and their children walking though the streets of the Costa del Sols Fuengirola resort, but not a word passes between the couple and their supporters-in-chief.
So we have taken the liberty to imagine a conversation of what might have been.
Today, Posh will talk about her passion for Spanish food.
I like plain food, says she. And so does Day-vid. I think baked beans go really well with chicken nuggets.
Sometimes when Im hungry, or just feeling crazy, Ill go out and buy the ingredients to make it. Its not easy in Spain, but after Jose, our Spanish teacher, taught me that supermercado is Spanish for Asda, things have been going great.
First of all I go to the aisle where the cans of beans are kept and take one from the shelf. Then I go to the part of the supermercado where the nuggets are and pick up some of those.
Sometimes Day-vid comes with me and then he picks them up.
I then go to the end of the aisle I think its aisle two, or trio as Day-vid says – and pay for the beans and the nuggets.
Then I get home exhausted! But I find cooking a bit boring so I get my mum to cook it. Its delicious. The kids love it! Tomorrow, Im going to try making a face out of the beans!
Not mine, but maybe Jordans.’
Smillie Culture
‘WHEN Posh and Jordan have finished their fight to the death, and Becks has slaughtered Peter Andre in a duel and then fallen on his own sword, who will be top of the celebrity pyre?
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| Well, if she was the last woman on earth… |
Yes, it is a stupid question, because while Vickys will come and Kaities will go, there will always be a Carol Smillie, so long as a board of MDF needs painting.
Removing herself entirely from the line of fire, Carol has decamped to Disneyland Paris with her husband, Alex, and children, Gloss, Satin and Matt.
Or is it Carol, because not so long ago the woman with the teeth that say Look out! was dressed up as a man called Jeff for her part in a TV show called Gender Swap.
Jeff, now known as Carol, says he found being a man empowering. Once I realised I wasnt recognisable and that I could take on a different persona, I really began having fun with it, (s)he says.
But more of that for another time. A time when Carol will be the last man or woman standing…’
