Reviews Category
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Carrie On Fighting
‘IT is somewhat surprising and a great pity – that celebrity boxing never really took off after Ricky Gervais bout against Grant Bovey a year or so ago.
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| ‘The best boxer/actor since Frank Bruno’ – H. Carpenter |
One would have thought that the sight of Mr Anthea Turners permatanned face being pummelled by The Office funnyman would have fuelled a demand for more showbiz fisticuffs.
But if the sport does suddenly catch on in the same way that pro-celebrity golf has done, there is no shortage of potential grudge matches.
The National Enquirer fancies itself as a bit of a Don King when it comes to promoting these bouts, publishing a four-page feature this week on potential pugilists.
And topping the list is Sarah Jessica Parker, who will be slipping into a pair of Manolo Blahnik boxing boots to slug it out with co-star Kim Cattrall.
The magazine says that trouble has been simmering between the two Sex And The City stars for a long, long time.
Some sources report that Kim is refusing to sign on for a movie of the hit HBO series because she doesnt want to work with Sarah; others that Kim is upset with Sarah for pulling the plug on the show; and still others that Sarah is jealous of Kims fan base.
However, yet others suggest that it isnt Kim or Sarah who is the cat among the proverbial pigeons but Kristen Davies, who plays butter-wouldnt melt-in-my-mouth Charlotte.
According to one report, after she filmed her last scene on the show, the crew started singing Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead from The Wizard Of Oz.
What is for sure is that there is nothing here that couldnt be sorted out by a good old-fashioned four-way slugfest.
The Duel In Kitten Mules…’
Paris-Match
‘VIDEO star and hotel heiress Paris Hilton is likely to be in and out of the ring on several occasions during the next few months, judging by the number of grudge matches she has set up.
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| Anything goes below the belt |
She has already been chinned by Shannen Doherty in a fight over Shannens estranged husband Rick Salomon, who co-stars with Paris in her recently released home movie.
But Hollywood hangout Deluxe is not Madison Square Garden and the rules of the Marquess of Queensbury did not obtain on that occasion.
Were sure Paris, who is a decade younger than Doherty, will fare much better in a properly licensed bout.
And, if she comes through that, she has another big pay-day waiting for her in the shape of another thirtysomething, Lisa Marie Presley.
The two have almost come to blows already outside LAs Pig & Whistle restaurant over Presleys ex-husband Nicolas Cage.
Lisa Marie just fucking spilled a drink on me because she thinks I fucked Nic, complained Paris.
Lisa Maries rep, however, is playing down the incident, claiming: Lisa Marie wouldnt waste a drink on Paris.
That sounds like fighting talk to us, Paris.’
The Battle Of The Sexes
‘IT is interesting that there are very few men among the feuding couples in the Who Hates Who In Hollywood guide.
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| ‘The only thing above the belt is his hair,’ complains Paula ‘The Mauler ‘ Abdul |
In fact, the only guy-on-guy action comes from Bill Murray and Chevy Chase who have been nursing a mutual antipathy since coming to blows backstage at Saturday Night Live 30 years ago.
Otherwise, the only male interest is provided by Bill Cosby, who is slated to take on Sharon Osbourne, Simon Cowell who will pull his boxing trunks up to his armpits and slug it out with Paula Abdul and patriotic country singer Toby Keith, who fancies going mano a mano with The Dixie Chicks Natalie Maines.
Sharon Osbournes beef with Cosby stems from a comment he made, branding the MTV reality clan a sad, sad family.
That is as may be, but they do have the advantage of being quite amusing, which is something that could never be said of the serially unfunny father of the fictional Huxtable clan.
And we tip Mrs O to take only a couple of rounds to put the man she has described as an old fart and a hypocrite on the canvas.
If Paula Abdul is as slow with her dukes as she is with her tongue, we fear that she will not survive the first round against Cowell.
When Cowell told her on the American Idol show, I wouldnt be excited if you stood naked in front of me, she could only hit back with a lame, Well, thats a given.
With the honours even in the first two male v female bouts, it is down to Keith and Maines to fight it out in The Battle Of The Sexes.
At Anorak, we must confess that we have never heard of Toby Keith before, but the title of one of his songs Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue is enough to make us instantly hate him.
Time and space prevent us from publishing the full lyrics to the song, but a couple of verses should be enough to get the gist.
My daddy served in the army,
Where he lost his right eye.
But he flew a flag out in our yard ’til the day that he died.
He wanted my mother, my brother, my sister and me
To grow up and live happy in the land of the free.
Now this nation that I love has fallen under attack.
A mighty sucker punch came flying in from somewhere in the back.
Soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye,
Man we lit up your world like the Fourth of July.
Go for it, Natalie. Were right behind you, gal…’
The Greatest Love Of All
‘WE have not heard much from Paul Burrell of late, and have been concerned for his welfare.
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| ‘England’s Rose – £6 a dozen!’ |
So we climbed into our somewhat battered white Fiat Uno and spent many hours scouring both this land and the one across the channel for signs of that rock of a man.
We have been down tunnels, through sewer systems, upstairs and downstairs in search of the man who dared.
And then we found him. Of all the places in the world, Burrell is in Hello!, and it’s as if he’s never been away as he talks up a storm about his former employer, Princess Diana.
While he emotes and beats himself up, giving full throat to his pain in a serve-and-tell book, others, like us, just try to get on with day-to-day life since our heart was wrenched from our chests.
But why can he not move on? Is he obsessed? ‘You give up your life for you master or your mistress,’ says Burrell. ‘That’s what I did. I gave up my life for the Princess.’
Er, correction. No, you did not. Indeed, if only Burrell had, then she’d still be shopping in Harvey Nichols and he’d be out of earshot.
Not that she ever left us – not really. When asked whether he believed Diana would have approved of his new book, Burrell is oddly positive.
‘I think she’s shouting right now, ‘Do it!’ She’s saying: ‘Stand up and be counted. Don’t let them erase my memory. Don’t let them change history. You were there. You heard everything, saw it. It was part of your life.’
So much for shy Di, who cannot be shut up now she’s been shut up.
Or has she? Perhaps she is shouting right now, as Burrell claims.
After all, he also says she needed marriage like a ‘bad rash’ and was not in love with Dodi Fayed, although he was in love with her.
Could Diana really be alive, having faked her own death in an elaborate bid to escape marriage?
Were those dresses and trinkets found in Burrell’s pad not for him and his safe-keeping, but for Diana to wear in her Miss Haversham moments?
Check the attic at the Burrell place and you may be in for a surprise. That is Princess Diana, alive and well.
And, for the biggest shock of all, she’s wearing clothes that went out of fashion years ago…’
Time Bandits
‘WHILE Paul Burrell makes lots of noise, do you know what Prince Edward and his lovely wife Sophie make?
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| ‘You know what they say, ‘Time is money” |
Go on, have a guess. Wrong. They do not make films. And wrong. They do not make tweed look youthful and vibrant. They don’t even make passes at girls who wear glasses.
What Eddie and Sophie make is time. Just look at the Hello! headline: ‘New parents Edward and Sophie make time for romantic moments together in St Moritz.’
As time-making goes, that’s pretty good going. And buoyed by their early success in time manufacturing, Sophie will surely soon be making time to do naff all while Eddie makes time to take plenty of rest.
It’ll give them something to plan while they spend some more of their produce over a three-hour lunch at the Swiss ski resort.’
Great Expectations
‘OH MY GOD! It’s Diana. She’s escaped. Release the Burrell hounds!
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| Crown Princess Mathilde of Belgium |
Sorry, our mistake. It’s not Diana, but Crown Princess Mathilde of Belgium, bringing back memories of Diana as she cares for the world’s impoverished and sick.
Having left the comfort of the Belgian royal court, Mathilde headed to Niger on a humanitarian mission of mercy.
A child is crying and Mathilde, just like Diana did all those moons ago, must go and give one of them a hug and make everything so much better.
And what luck it is that the child is black and photogenic.
‘Wherever she went she expressed a profound wish to meet with women and children regardless of their backgrounds,’ says a spokesperson for UNICEF, which sponsored the trip.
‘Despite her social rank, she remained humble, modest and agreeable.’
How the locals must have thrilled to have the elite of Belgian society among them!
But they kept their heads and remained cool in the face of so much fabulous blonde hair, clean white couture and pashmina.
Meanwhile, in the garret high above a florist shop in Wales, a wilting English rose remembers when brown faces turned in her direction, as flowers turn towards their sun.
And she resumes her slow, painful tapping on the door…’
Taco Belle
‘LET’S start off with a pop quiz: What do you think is ‘the TRAGIC reason’ why Britney Spears has morphed from the reigning princess of pop into a ‘porky pop tart’?
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| ‘Well, it worked for Charlize Theron, didn’t it?’ |
Is it A) She has heavy bones; B) She has a glandular problem; C) Her liposuction went wrong when a nurse accidentally set the vacuum to blow instead of suck; or D) She’s been eating too much?
Okay, pens down…and hands up, all those of you who chose Option D.
Yes, the National Enquirer has talked to top New York weight loss specialist Dr Stacy Title and he thinks the singer’s 20lb bulge is a result of the ingestion of food.
And not just any food – Dr Title points the accusing finger at junk food.
‘Fast food,’ he says, ‘is usually the choice because it’s always available. Unfortunately, fast food like doughnuts, hot dogs and cookies are also the most fattening.’
If true, the significance of Dr Title’s findings could be enormous for the (enormous) American populace as a whole.
By demonstrating a link between the consumption of food, particularly fatty foods, and the size of one’s stomach, the good doctor is well on his way to suggesting a remedy for the country’s chronic obesity – people could eat less.
Yes, it may sound drastic and we emphasise that Dr Title is as yet still a voice in the wilderness, but the evidence provided by photos of Britney’s flabby tummy is compelling.
The Enquirer says that the 22-year-old singer is so chunky that dancers even had trouble lifting her during rehearsals for an appearance on a new talk show, On Air With Ryan Seacrest.
Not only that but on the show itself, Britney (who once declared ‘Chocolate for me is just like an orgasm’) shared with Seacrest some chocolates from a heart-shaped box the size of an easy chair.
Not all doctors agree with Dr Title, however. Anorak’s own specialist, Dr A Quack MD (Taco Bell University), says the links between fast food and obesity are tenuous at best.
‘I look at the photos of Britney’s belly and I see a women with a glandular problem,’ he says.
‘If I were her doctor, I would prescribe a Beef Chalupa Supreme, a side of nachos, and large fries, all washed down with an emperor-size shake.
‘If the problem still persists, I would suggest an appearance on one of Ricky Lake’s ‘I May Be Fat, But I’m Still All That’ specials.”
Chucking A Seven
‘MORE shock news reaches us from the pages of the Enquirer – and that is that not everyone who visits Las Vegas has a rollicking good time there.
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| Is this the reason for Vegas’ high suicide rate? |
Indeed, many people lose money on the gaming tables and in the slot machines of America’s Sin City, in some cases more money than they can afford.
The hit NBC show Las Vegas may portray the city as a fun, glitzy destination where the beautiful people gamble and party at all hours of the day and night.
But the series does not show the city’s darker side, according to the Enquirer, which reveals that behind the neon lights Vegas is actually the suicide capital of the US.
Since 1998, more than 90 people have killed themselves on casino property alone, including three who jumped from the tallest building in town, the Stratosphere hotel/casino.
Many victims suffer from financial, marital or medical problems, ‘while others are simply desperate over losses at the gaming tables’.
‘It’s a place where we paint our hopes, dreams, fears and apprehensions,’ explains Hal Rothman, professor of history at the University of Nevada.
‘It’s the city of excess, and what could be more of an excess than killing yourself?’
Next week, the Enquirer uncovers Dallas’s shocking secret – there is more to the city than scheming oil barons and their alcoholic wives.’
Big Ben
‘SOME of Hollywood’s best actors and actresses have come over to London recently to have a spiffing time brushing up on their Dick Van Dyke accents and treading the boards of the West End.
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| Delicious served with cheese and/or mustard |
We think of Kevin Spacey, for instance, of Nicole Kidman, of Kathleen Turner and of Jessica Lange.
But for every Chateaubriand, there is a ham – and the Enquirer has news that, fresh from winning two Razzies for his appalling performance in the execrable Gigli, Ben Affleck is London-bound.
In the meantime, however, the Enquirer reports on how Ben was bumped as grand marshal at this year’s Daytona 500 just before going on…by President George W Bush.
As the President’s popularity ratings tumble, he no doubt thought it would be a good idea to try to canvas a few votes among the petrol-heads that make up the Florida crowd.
But what he probably hadn’t expected was that the story of ‘Ben and Bush’s Big Day At The Races’ would share a page in the Enquirer with news that Ellen DeGeneres and lesbian lover Alexandra Hedison are planning to wed.
Not if the President gets his way, they won’t.’
A Fine Romance
‘FROM little acorns, they say, big oaks grow, but it’s far too early in the romance between Jordan and Peter Andre to talk of the sprouting of little saplings.
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| Jordan’s third nipple |
Indeed, as the smitten jungle lovers open their hearts exclusively to OK!, they are not even sure if they are officially a couple yet.
We havent seen much of each other since we came out, says Jordan, but Im sure we will be.
Its obvious were fond of each other, chimes Peter, but we want to get to know each other first.
This is of course the wrong way round real celebrities get married first and then get to know each other, before finding out they cant stand each other and getting divorced.
But OK! is convinced that this is the real thing, claiming that if this budding romance is just an act, the performances are worthy of an Academy Award.
As we know, this years Oscars have just been doled out and neither Peter nor Jordan were among the recipients a sure sign that this is no act.
In fact, according to OK!, theres so much sexual chemistry between the two of them that its possible theyre about to spontaneously combust.
Of course, not only would such an eventuality preclude the possibility of young oaks but with the amount of silicone in Jordans chest it could result in the worst environmental catastrophe since Chernobyl.
But if it wasnt the size of Jordans, er, Jordans that attracted Peter, what was it?.
Shes awesome, he says, shes sweet, shes funny, shes a very pretty girl and shes got a big heart.
And if youve got a big heart, you need a big chest to keep it in.’
Snap Happy
‘NEWS that Rod Stewarts ex-wife Rachel Hunter has been signed up as the new face of lingerie range Ultimo has not gone down too well with the singers current girlfriend Penny Lancaster.
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| Thank to Ultimo, Rachel could once more use her hands |
Frankly I think its pretty sad and pathetic, said her agent Nicholas Young.
If you are going to upgrade your campaign, you would normally go for a younger model, not an older one. Ultimo has done this as a PR stunt. Obviously Britt Ekland was not available.
Actually, we at Anorak have checked and Britt was available but was passed over in favour of 34-year-old Rachel, who has managed to take enough time off from her acting career to prance around in her smalls for the benefit of OK! readers.
Ultimo needed an international face to promote their brand to a worldwide audience, Rachel explains, and Im very happy that face will be mine.
Im very excited about being chosen to show women around the world the great look of Ultimo.
Not only is Rachel big news in the UK and in New Zealand (where she was born), but according to OK! she is riding the crest of a wave in the US as well.
In a video for the song Stacys Mum by Fountains Of Wayne, Rachel strips to her underwear in the kitchen and then pole dances on the worktop.
And she has also appeared on the TV game show, Are You Hot? The Search For Americas Sexiest People.
All of which would be enough to make a lesser mortal than Penny jealous, but agent Nicholas Young insists she is not upset by the snub.
After all, shes got her photography to fall back on and, now with more time on her hands, it is surely only a matter of minutes before we see a major exhibition of her work at one of the worlds top galleries.’
Ta-ta, Tara
‘ONE human year may equate to seven in the canine world, but in Celebville it is more like 10.
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| Percy has scaled the cliff-face of love |
And that means that Joan Collins and toyboy husband Percy Gibson have just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary, a mere 24 months after tying the knot at a lavish star-studded ceremony at Claridges in London.
And what better way to celebrate such an important milestone than with a second honeymoon at a cliff-face retreat in Acapulco.
Of course, if celebs aged at the same rate as their relationships, Joan would be as old as Methuselah by now, but she has had so many lifts, tucks and Botox injections that she looks scarcely a day older than she did yesterday.
But biology doesnt lie and Joan is now a grandmother – as OK! delights in reminding her, her daughter Tara has recently had a baby boy, called Weston.
However, it would appear that Joan and Percy have not been putting in too many hours on babysitting duty.
We have only seen him a couple of times, she admits. Tara is keeping him very quiet because I thinks she wants to retire from public life.
This could come as news to those of us who erroneously thought that Tara had already retired or, more accurately, been retired from public life.
However, a quick glance at her filmography shows that she has not been idle since her groundbreaking performance as Thumbelina opposite her mothers Polyester Poontang in the 1969 classic Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe And Find True Happiness?
Only a couple of years ago, she appeared as herself in the seminal TV documentary When Shoulder Pads Ruled The World.’
Hicksville
‘SO after the long wait, India Hicks had another boy.
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| She’s the cat’s mother |
She has two already, which is more than enough for most but then India is not just anyone.
For the record, theres Felix, named after a type of cat food, and Amory, a Teutonic name meaning brave and powerful, which will prove useful when hes got his head stuffed down the school toilet.
The new boy on the Caribbean estate is called Conrad Lorenzo: Conrad after the author Joseph Conrad and Lorenzo after one of Indias husbands best friends who died in car crash.
And Lorenzo is not the only one who is now closer to God, since India finds the entire experience of childbirth cathartic.
I got quite emotional, says India of the birth, and Im not a terribly emotional person. When I give birth I really do feel its the moment Im closest to God.
Its something many mothers can back up, and Labour wards are veritable houses of worship as women lay back and scream, Please God make the pain go way and God I hate the bastard you did this to me.’
Lancaster Bomber
‘AS tough jobs go, getting Rachel Hunter to show us her underwear is at No. 5, under Elton John talking about Princess Diana (see next story), Posh harping on about Day-vid, Kerry McPuddens tales of the jungle and Jordan showing us her naked chest.
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| ‘Cross my heart and hope to die’ |
Lying back in her knickers, bra and highlighted hair the twin-set and blue rinse of the youthful – Rachel talks about all things Rachel.
Shes upset that people think she took the job as the new cleavage of Ultimo bras from Penny Lancaster (ex-husband Rod Stewarts current blonde) out of spite.
I believe in karma, says Rachel. Im not doing this for revenge. Its not a personal vendetta. Im not a bitch. At the end of the day, I have to make a living.
Rachel is at pains to show us the real Rachel, and certainly not the fake, surgically-enhanced one of our fantasise.
Yes, fantasies, because Rachel is all natural. Im shocked at the suggestion that Ive had plastic surgery, says she. If my breasts look bigger its only because Im wearing an Ultimo bra.
And, as if by magic, Rachel is wearing not one but three more of the up-lifters. She doesnt wear them all at once, of course, because then shed look like Jordan.
Rachel prefers to keep things simple, wearing one bra at a time and saying how she, a woman from a working-class background, like to work hard for her cash.
Although not as hard as her bras, which, under close inspection, are showing signs of feeling the pressure of keeping Rachel aloft…’
Rock And Roll
‘WE lied. Elton John is not talking about Princess Diana or even singing about her as if she were a stuttering candle.
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| A tidal wave of terror |
Hes too busy talking about, well, Elton John, his show in Los Angeles and what he likes to wear.
Eltons moved on from vulgar garish suits to embrace avant-garde good taste by designer Yohji Yamamoto.
In fashion terms, says Hello!, this switch of style is as seismic as if Sir Cliff Richard had suddenly announced that he would be dressed only by Damon Dash, or Jennifer Lopez had sworn that she would only wear Country Casuals.
Of course the feeling of the earth having moved might be because Eltons thinking of his other great passion: David Beckham…’
Brought To Book
‘MANY years ago, the TV show Record Breakers featured a man who had written the Lords Prayer on the back of a regular postage stamp. He had done this not once but around ten times, on the one stamp.
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| Also available in hardback |
We marvelled at his achievement, some even wanted to be like him, sharpening a pencil into a fine point and seeing how may words they could write on a single square inch of space.
But our record-breaking writer moved on and he (or one of his myriad acolytes) went to work at OK!, where he well and truly surpassed his old record by writing so many words on every square inch of Jordans enormous breasts that we have stopped counting.
Even Norris McWhirter, that keeper of world records, has lost count, and just says there are lots of words.
Jordan is now the stuff of record breakers, and for the record, she is a 32FF, which is bigger than the previous record of an EE and better than a DD.
Jordan may well go on to bigger things, perhaps pushing the envelope of record braking to an impressive GG or even, and heres a thought, an HH.
Whatever she does, we know that OK!s man with the quill will be there to write on it, covering every detail of her chest in minute detail.
Using a magnifying glass, we note that the latest words to appear on the glamour model say that she is she is desperately in love with Peter Andre and of a mind that Victoria Beckham is an evil, conniving cow.
Tackling these points one at a time, we note that Peter and she have yet to consummate their burgeoning love and that, according to Jordan, Posh has called her vile.
What happens next can be read in Jordans forthcoming autobiography, available in bookshops both good and bad and on the tip of her right nipple…’
Harping On
‘RECORDS are made to be broken. Thats what we have steroids for.
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| Kerry and her team vow to call everyone to tell them about her life |
And thats what we have Kerry McFadden for, too. Kerry is on course to create a new record for harping on about the same thing.
According to Mr Norris McWhirter and OK!, the record for harping on is held by Victoria Beckham, who has harped on about her husband for a number of years.
Kerry still has some way to go, having only just been voted Queen of the celebrity jungle, but shes got of to a flyer and if she keeps it up for just another six weeks, shell have set a new record.
This being week two of Kerrys record-breaking attempt, shes going to tell us how much she loves her husband Bryan and what she thinks of her fellow celebs.
Shes also going to tell us about he daughters, Lily and Molly, especially Lily who turned one and took her first steps when Kerry was in the jungle.
But not to worry, because, as Kerry says: I was upset about missing Lilys first steps. But there are more steps where those came from.
And OK!, Norris, the spirit of Roy Castle and Kerry will be taking you through them one by one.’
A Right Two And Eight
‘JUST time to say that OK! has spotted Victoria Beckham shopping in a supermarket in Camden Town.
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| Two and three spells trouble |
Many of you will know that Camden is not in Madrid, where her husband plays football (see Poshs world record entry for harping on) but in London.
Others will know that a supermarket is known to sell food, of which Posh, apparently, had some in her shopping basket.
We do not get to see what Posh eats, because OK! forgets to tells us and that its hard to see anything over Vickys massive yellow baseball cap.
For the record, Vicky also wears a blue and yellow T-shirt. And heres where things get really fascinating – the top is emblazoned with the number 28.
This is odd since Day-vid wears number 23 for Real Madrid. Dont you think..?’
Like A Virgin
‘WHEN Prozac is not to hand and the gin lake has run dry, a good Hollywood star will turn to God.
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| ‘Have I been a naughty girl, Mr. Jesus’ |
If its not Mel Gibson recasting his version of the Bible in glorious (surely gorious) technicoluor, its Britney Spears popping into a church to reaffirm her links with Christianity.
Like that other famous virginal rocker Cliff Richard, Britney has been born again.
The Enquirer looks on aghast as the singer walks up the aisle at the Great Western Forum in Inglewood, California, and returns to the ways of the righteous in front of the Faithful Central Bible Churchs congregation.
Last time Britney sauntered down an aisle, it was a conveyer belt taking her towards a Las Vegas quickie wedding to one Jason Alexander.
This time she ended a two-hour long service, one in which she hugged her father and wept real tears of something or other, with an altogether more sober journey.
When the pastor invited anyone there present who wanted to reconnect with Jesus Christ to step forward, Britney wandered up the aisle arm-in-arm with her dear old dad.
One brief tap on the shoulder later and Britney was reborn as Britney II, the Britney with improved morals, a spiritual clean bill of health and, who knows, perhaps her famed virginity once more intact.’
The Tori Party
‘THE freezer at Anorak Towers is still full of the remnants of the Jennifer Lopez-Ben Affleck no-show weeding.
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| Looks like our Comfi-Slax will arrive not a moment too soon |
Take it from us, you can have too much of a good thing, and although the crabsticks and miniature sausage rolls are a treat, we have grown weary of such haute cuisine.
Its with some relief, therefore, that we look forward to receiving our invitations to this years wedding of the year, the marriage of Tori Spelling and Charlie Shanian.
That invite should arrive some time soon, well before the couples big day on the 14th of that month, so giving us plenty of time to finish up the Lopez-Affleck jellied eel assortment and lap up all that jam roly poly.
And we do so looking forward to the treats lying in wait at the Spelling do, salivating over the Citrus Trumpet ($6) and the Lions Head Soup Bowls ($24).
But such goods do not come cheap, and we hope that by late summer Jennifer and Ben will have returned our wedding gift of his n hers Comfi Slax from Anoraks new range of unisex all-weather indoors clothing.
We also trust that by the August wedding date, Tiffany & Co. will be stocking the full range of Anorak goods, thereby enabling Tori and Charlie to exchange our generous gift should they already have it.’
A High-Steaks Gamble
‘THE Affleck-Lopez conversational smorgasbord is so full of cheese, turkey and ham that occasionally we miss the real meat in the story.
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| The stakes are nearly as high as Ben’s hair |
What that is, we dont know we most likely missed it. But by way of more filling the Enquirer notes that Jen has recently spent time with her old flame, the beefy Marc Anthony.
And while shes seeing the Latin crooner, Bennys been out playing high-stakes poker.
It seems that Ben has been out gambling pretty much every night since his break-up with Jennifer, says an unnamed source.
He doesnt hang out with his best buddy Matt Damon like he used to, and now that he doesnt have Jennifer around, hes got way too much free time on his hands.
And that makes it all the more worrying that he still cant make time to return our generous wedding gift or to take up our offer of a weeks free acting lessons at the Anorak School of Speech And Drama.
And thats a shame since we believe this weeks acting workshop, Pinocchio Was Stanislavskis Conscience, would be invaluable to him.’
You’ve Been Married
‘FOLLOWING in the footsteps of Jeremy Beadle and Lisa Riley is no easy challenge, but if one man can take Youve Been Framed on that extra mile its the shows new face, Jonathan Wilkes.
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| Jonathan and a friend |
To help us familiarise ourselves with who Wilkes is, Hello! hotfooted it over to Los Angeles to watch the man who presents hilarious home videos for a living tie the knot with dancer Nikki Wheeler.
Nikki with a double k is blonde and dressed in white, as is the way with these things.
She is also on very good terms with Wilkes best mate in the whole wide world, the man known to millions of us as Robbie Williams and to millions more Americans as, er, yeah, whatshisname.
To affirm her link to Williams, Hello! mentions that Nikki with a double k has danced in support to his act and shows her standing between her husband and the pop singer.
And thats pretty much all you need to know, what with there only being another nine guests at Robbie house, where the entire wedding event was staged.
The best thing of all was that my dad came, says Nikki with a double k. Hes terrified of flying and said he wouldnt make it but then he turned up and surprised me.
How thoughtful of him to come, and how thoughtful of English girl Nikki with a double k to get married in America, so forcing her dear old dad to confront his terrors head on.
Its all the more thoughtful when we learn that the entire wedding, reception and speeches were over in a flash. The happy couple returned to their room by 8:30pm and were asleep by 10pm.
We were so emotionally drained! says Wilkes.
Well, when youve spoken to each guest for half an hour each and stopped the brides dad from shaking, bed becomes the only option?’
Light Headed
‘SINCE we made the mighty effort to battle our demons and, like Nikki with a double ks dad, fly to the United States for her wedding to Jonathan Wilkes, we stayed on to follow the couples honeymoon in New York.
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| Now showing You’ve Been Framed the musical, starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Lisa Riley |
Its rare for anyone other than the bride and groom to go on honeymoon, but this is Jonathan and Nikki with a double k we are dealing with here, and, like them, we have broken the mould.
Instantly, we see the talented pair appearing on Broadway, well, more off off Broadway, near on the rivers edge. There they talk about what it would be like to appear on the famous thoroughfare.
I want to be on Broadway, says 25-year-old Wilkes. Ive said to myself Ive got till Im 30! Im going to do it!
For now and the next five years until that 30 year milestone is reached, Wilkes and Nikki with a double k are happy to watch others live out their dream.
Nikki had never been there before and we went to a show nearly every night, says Wilkes of their New York experience. The first night we were there we walked down Broadway and around Times Square with all those lights on. It was so exciting.
Seeing electricity at work is a full on honeymoon fun fest. And the pair continued their fascination with it when the arrived back at their hotel.
I spent the first night playing with the electric curtain that divided the suite up, much to Nikkis irritation, says Wilkes, who surely meant to say her amazement.
But that was then, and now they are back in London, the newlyweds prefer to stay in on an evening.
Our idea of a good time is being tucked up on the sofa, eating beans on toast and watching a video, says Wilkes.
And yes, that is one of those awesome new electric videos, although the beans might well have been heated on a gas stove.
Even Wilkes and Nikki with a double k cannot have everything…’
A Butcher’s Hook
‘THANKS to Nikki with a double k and Jonathan Wilkes we had enough air miles in the bank to follow Hello! as it flew to Senegal to see Charlie Brooks do some good deeds.
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| ‘I went to Africa and all I got was gum disease’ |
Brooks rose to fame as the hard-nosed cow that was EastEnders Janine Butcher. But keen to show that she possesses a softer side, Charlie undertook some work for World Vision, a charity.
I didnt know anything about the county or the culture and it was like stepping back in time, says Charlie, as she poses with small children in the African scrub.
Life is simple: it revolves around making food, growing vegetables and collecting clean water basic survival, says Charlie.
This she finds refreshing. He also finds the children amazing. As we do, as she tells how hundreds of children, who she deduces had never seen white skin before, rushed up to touch her.
The ides of anyone rushing up to press Charlies flesh is pretty farfetched, but Charlie has been in EastEnders and is used to handling such fantastical scenes with ease.
But besides being touched by hundreds of small hands, Charlie has been bitten by the travel bug and plans to do more of it.
My dream is to go island-hopping in Thailand, Australia or New Zealand, says Charlie.
But to do that shell have to conquer her fear of flying.
I can force myself on a plane, says she, but I get butterflies for weeks before a flight and was in tears at the airport.
Not that Charlie would waste precious fluid. If theres one thing she has learnt from her African adventure it is the value of water.
And we learn that now back in Blighty she no longer leaves the tap running when she brushes her teeth.
An act of true selflessness in a world of greed and pain…’
The Five-Minute Queen
‘LIKE a televisual earthquake, the aftershocks of Im A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here can be felt for months after the show itself is finished.
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| Kerry’s celebrity CV also lists her two children |
Every time Linda Barker urges us to sit on a DFHS sofa in our Asda underwear to watch her Yoga video on our Currys TV, it is a bitter reminder of this lesson.
Not only that, but it can take so long before life returns to normal and Linda returns to drawing stencils on pieces of MDF for a living that by then a new bunch of second-raters is already lined up to take her place.
And chief among them is OK!s regular columnist Kerry McPadding or Queen Kerry as she is now known following her victory on the show.
With no discernible talent except the possession of two very large breasts and a husband whos the porky one from Westlife, Kerry is the perfect celebrity.
Instantly, she and Bryan have shot to the top of OK!s Valentine chart of the 20 sexiest, soppiest and smoochiest celebrity pairings.
There was a time when Day-vid and Victoria would have been a shoo-in at No.1, but those were the days when OK! was the Beckhams Bible.
How things have changed and this year Los Beckhams only just squeak in ahead of Kym Marsh and Jack Ryder in fifth spot behind Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and Kylie Minogue and Olivier Martinez.
Of the Beckhams, OK! says: If there was a celebrity dictionary and you looked up romance, youd find David and Victoria among the entries.
Among the entries?! In our celebrity dictionary, David and Victoria is the only entry (although we admit the dictionary is a few years old now).
But these days everyones at it and as we dip our hand into our celebrity sick-bag for the most puke-inducing celebrity schlock we are overwhelmed by choice.
So today we introduce you to the three finalists in Anoraks Bleurgh! Awards, as always read out in reverse order.
In third place, with a Bleurgh! rating of 8/10, we present the sparkling platinum bangle which Michael gave Catherine on which is engraved: Love, life, passion, you.
Second, with a Bleurgh! rating of 9/10, we hear from Kym on the subject of Jack (just weeks before their trial separation): Theres only one man for me. Therell never be anybody else. Hes my life and I adore him. And I always will.
But the winner of this years award with a perfect 10 Bleurgh! Rating is diminutive Aussie songstress Kylie Minogue.
Just like painting or literature, wed need at least three days to speak about love, tenderness and passion, she says. Its the most magnificent feeling.
Bleurgh!!!!!’
