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Women On Top
‘IS it merely coincidence that both the McPuddings and the Douglases, OK!s two most romantic couples, are the subject of interviews in the magazine this week?
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| Day-vid wears the sarong |
Or is there something more sinister at work? Has OK! been shamelessly trading tittle-tattle for position in its prestigious Valentines Chart?
And if so, why are Melinda Messenger and her husband Wayne Roberts only at No.16, given that they are also happy to spill their guts?
We leave that to Lord Hutton to unravel, and turn our attention to the couples body language – and who better to talk us through which couples are than Big Brother body language expert Professor Geoffrey Beattie?
From him we learn that Victoria definitely wears the trousers in her relationship with Day-vid, that Dave Morgan is pussy-whipped by Jessie Wallace and that Fran Cosgrove and Jodie Marsh dont care if their behaviour is appropriate.
All that and the revelation that Andy Pandy and Looby Loo have great sexual chemistry.’
Quack! Quack!
‘WHEN PT Barnum said there was a sucker born every minute, he was talking at a time when the worlds population was much smaller than it is today.
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| Brad also has a big watch |
By Anoraks quasi-scientific reckoning (otherwise known as pure guesswork), we calculate that a sucker is now born every 4.56 seconds.
And most of them have in their possession a copy of Suzi Malins book Love At First Sight a book which ascribes the mystery of what draws two people together to their respective facial features.
[Instead, may we modestly recommend our own scribblings on the subject, which prefers a more controversial explanation, namely that it is alcohol, lust and in the case of celebrities PR companies that draw two people together?]
Certainly OK! has a copy of Suzis book on its shelves (under Q for Quack) which it dusts off this week and asks the author herself to cast her expert eye over six couples.
We learn that Day-vid and Victoria are a fantastic Echoist example, that Madonna and Guy have Echoism and Harmonism, that Justin and Cameron have Echoism as well as Prima Copulism and that Brad has a beard and Jennifer doesnt.
Fantastic stuff!’
Her Two Brains
‘AS Jordan would agree, you can never have too much Jordan.
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| Jordan’s brains scored a FF in GCSE maths |
The model who takes up almost as many column inches as she does square inches is planning to conquer America.
The plan is for a two-pronged assault on the American music scene, as Jordan plans to use what pals call her golden throat to good use.
Linda Lovelace has nothing on the glamour girl, who is driven to achieve her one remaining ambition and record a hit song.
She could go into acting. But, her manager, Dave Read, is on hand to tell us that despite many offers, his client is not all that interested in being a thespian.
Its singing that she loves, says Read.
Instantly, we who saw her performances in Im A Celebrity realise that a duet with her was he/wasnt he lover Peter Andre is one option.
But Our Love Is Insania by Jordandre will have to wait, at least a while, since Golden Tonsils plans to forgo the diminutive Australian and team up with a top American record producer.
She wants the American know-how that makes No.1s for the likes of Britney, Christina Aguilera and Pink, says one source. America is her dream.
And she might just make it her reality since the Enquirer is of the opinion that Jordan is something of the post-feminist icon.
There are brains behind those boobs! the magazine says.
Its an interesting thought, although we are more comfortable with the notion that Jordans stuffing is made of some sort of man-made gel.’
Back to Basic
‘IF Jordan does decide that acting is her bag, she could ape the career of Pamela Anderson and play a life preserver on a Californian beach.
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| Sharon does all her own cunning stunts |
Or she could follow the career path of Sharon Stone.
Since we have seen most of what Jordan has to offer, a flash of her more hirsute parts as she crosses and uncrosses her legs (possibly behind her head) would surely not be beyond her talents.
But she should be warned that Hollywood is a dog-eat-dog world, something the writer of the movie Basic Instinct and that infamous scene knows all too well.
In his latest book, screenwriter Joe Eszterhas says that to thank him for writing her such a great part, the films star, the aforesaid Sharon Stone, seduced him.
I figured that since I had written the biggest hit of her life for her, she was just saying thank you.
Which shows good manners on Stones part, if not on that of Eszterhas, who says that, by the end of their night together, he felt underpaid.
He goes on to call Stone his Frankensteins monster, claiming how once they got high on champagne and marijuana and made embarrassing scenes at a restaurant and record store.
Other Eszterhas scenes sure to make us cringe with embarrassment can be seen in Jade, F.I.S.T., Showgirls, and Sliver, the latter reuniting him with the good-tipping Stone.’
Flash Dance
‘JORDAN must be licking her lips at the prospect of going to the county that made Pamela Anderson a star but is aghast when Janet Jackson flashes the better part of her right breast.
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| ‘And if you wanna see some more…’ |
If Jackson can get so much coverage for one little boob, a long gander at Katie Prices Jordans should send the Americans into a state of frenzy.
But until Jordan records her debut single and performs a duet with Justin Timberlake, we must make do with more of that Jackson flash.
The story now goes that Timberlake had no idea what was about to occur when he tugged on his co-performers outfit.
Indeed, many believe that Jackson was the sole architect of this most shocking moment.
Janet Jackson engineered it, says MTVs Chief Executive Tom Freston.
But what we want to know, as the Enquirer too wants to find out, is who engineered that chunk of metal that was revealed to be stuck to Jacksons proffered nipple.
David Ballow of Pleasure Chest, Hollywood, is the man who knows about such things, and he says that the object was a silver metal nipple ornament that costs around £200.
Designed to be ornamental, it also increases sexual pleasure because its worn on the nipples erogenous zone, he explains.
It also provides a handy talking point for Americans who, deprived of celebrity jungles and Jordans, have to make do with what they can get.’
The Longest Day
‘THE TV series 24 was a good idea – but unfortunately, like so many good ideas, that is all it was.
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| But is one of them really Osama Bin Laden in disguise? |
The longest day in Jack Bauer’s life proved to be the longest day in many of its viewers’ lives as well, as one absurd plot twist followed another.
We surely cannot have been alone in hoping that by tea-time the terrorists would have managed to blow up the whole goddamn lot of them and we could all go home for our beans on toast.
But sadly not – and not only was a second series of 24 immediately commissioned but a third series as well, which starts on British TV this week.
The plot may have had more holes in it than the clothes in a moth’s wardrobe and the characterisation may make Footballers’ Wives look sophisticated, but it has been unaccountably popular on both sides of the Atlantic.
However, there was one sub-plot to the first two series that viewers might have missed – the real-life love affair between Nina Myers and George Mason (or Sarah Clarke and Xander Berkeley).
Not so Hello!, which has a sixth sense for these things, and it catches up with the couple in their home in the Hollywood Hills.
Xander, anyone who endured the second series will know, is no longer in the show, his character (already dying of exposure to plutonium) having saved LA by crashing a plane carrying a nuclear bomb into the Mojave desert. Of course.
But the skills he and Sarah learned on the show allowed them to keep their romance secret – well, at least until they blabbed to co-star Carlos Bernard (fellow agent Tony Almeida) that they both spent their summer holidays on the east coast and then in Portugal.
[With intelligence skills like that, it is just as well that Xander and Sarah aren’t really working for the CIA although, on recent evidence, they would have no problems getting in.]
But this is Hollywood, the town where dreams really do come true, and it really was love at first sight when the pair met during, er, a power black-out in the make-up trailer in February 2001.
‘It was like there was no possibility of escape for either of us,’ explains Xander, ‘and no desire to either.’
They could, of course, have just tried opening the trailer door, but that would of course have been too easy.
And so instead the pair got married…and lived happily ever after. At least, until now.’
Khan Do
‘CAN you believe that Jemima Khan is only 30? No, nor could we. And neither could we believe that she didn’t invite us to celebrate with her.
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| ‘There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home’ |
However, Hello! got the nod on a guest list that ‘read like a Who’s Who of international fashion and London high society’.
‘Hugh Grant arrived with Princess Rosario of Bulgaria, cover girls Elle Macpherson and Laura Bailey set flashbulbs popping,’ the magazine says.
‘Jools Holland and Steve Coogan kept the conversation flowing wittily and designers Tom Ford, Valentino and Calvin Klein all joined the birthday girl’s family, the famous Goldsmith clan, in wishing her many happy returns.’
In fact, apart from us, just about the only notable absentee was Jemima’s husband, Imran Khan, who couldn’t leave Pakistan because of ‘political commitments’.
What exactly Imran’s political commitments, which seem to prevent him ever being seen with his wife, are we don’t know, but his place was taken by odious high-society columnist Taki, who apparently delivered ‘a high-flown personal tribute, saying that when Shakespeare wrote about Juliet, he really meant Jemima’.
And when he wrote the words ‘the portrait of a blinking idiot’ in Merchant of Venice, was he not thinking about a certain Mr Theodoracopulos?’
A Sly Chuckle
‘LET no-one ever say again that the Germans do not have a sense of humour.
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| Stallone’s Hamlet |
Hello! tunes in to Berlin’s ‘prestigious’ film festival to check out what Naomi and Claudia are wearing, but also to see who went away with the coveted Golden Cameras.
And mein hosts give us all a great chuckle by giving the award for continued excellence to…Sylvester Stallone.
Yes, the very same Sylvester Stallone who won a Razzie as the worst actor of the 20th Century, a man who has been nominated for a Razzie every year since 1985 bar two and a man who has such masterpieces as Stop! Or My Mum Will Shoot You and Judge Dredd to his name.
We haven’t laughed so much since, well, since the Germans decided to celebrate the tearing down of the Berlin Wall with a concert by…David Hasselhoff.’
Pass The Duchess
‘DUCHESS, redhead, author, toe-sucker, barrage balloon, friend to Princess Diana is there no end to the talents of the ex-wife of Prince Andrew?
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| And the Bafta for best use of a tongue goes to… |
And to that list we can soon add actress, after Sarah Fergie Ferguson decided to set her sights on scaling the heights in Hollywood.
I would like to act, she told the National Enquirer at the Golden Globe Awards. I genuinely think it would be a good idea.
Good for whom, exactly? For the permanently impecunious duchess perhaps, but certainly not for the viewing public.
Certainly I have enough experience of drama because thats what my life has been.
In much the same way, we imagine an assistant in Prontoprint would make a very good movie star because they have a lot of experience with films.
Or Ron Davies, Anoraks favourite badger-loving politician, would make a good director because he has so much experience hanging round sets.
But Fergie is modest about her own talents, suggesting that she might confine herself to TV acting. Film might be a bit ambitious, she says.
And if not TV acting, then what about TV presenting? Specifically, what about Fergie as talk-show host?
I want to be a problem solver, she says. The next Dr Ruth without the sex. Or the next Jerry Springer without the fights. Or the next Kilroy without the anti-Arab rants.
So far, however, the Enquirer reports that there has been little interest.
Theres a lot of concern that she cant relate to US audiences and thats a problem, says top US critic Mark Berman.
And, of course, she carries around a lot of baggage.
Easy, Mark! Shes shed a lot of pounds since she became a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers.’
‘Til Deaf Do Us Part
‘IF Fergie needs proof that the ability to act your way out of a paper bag is not needed for Hollywood stardom, she need look no further than Ben Affleck.
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| ‘And as my old acting coach used to tell me: ‘Always let your conscience be your guide” |
The Enquirer this week becomes the 1,786th magazine to publish an article promising to reveal the real reasons behind Afflecks split with fellow ham Jennifer Lopez.
It even listens in to the conversation between the pair at a table at Matsuhisa restaurant in Beverly Hill, where Jen is worried about Ben’s gambling and drinking.
Jen tried to reason with Ben, a friend tells the magazine. She tried to talk him into getting some help for his own good or, more importantly, for the good of their relationship.
But it was no good. He didnt hear one word he said.
Which worrying news moves us to wonder whether Ben is suffering from the same affliction as Kiefer Sutherland, star of Foxs absurd hit show, 24.
For 37-year-old Kiefer is apparently half deaf in one ear.
[Maths GCSE question 2004 if Kiefer Sutherland has two ears and is half deaf in one of them, how deaf is he? A) A quarter; B) Deaf as a post C) Can you repeat the question?]
Its not so severe that I cant function daily, the actor says, but it gets frustrating when I have a phone to my ear and Ive got an actor off-camera talking to me.
There are, however, potential upsides to Kiefers deafness, apart from being able to counsel Ben Affleck.
With a bit of luck, he wont hear his alarm clock go off in the next series of 24…’
Oh, Danny Boy
‘ANOTHER week and Julia Roberts (the ex-fiance of Kiefer Sutherland and just about every other man in Hollywood) is still married.
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| Julia and a husband |
Not only that but the Enquirer, which spent months confidently predicting the break-up of her marriage to cameraman Danny Moder, cant even see signs of a split.
Instead, it recounts a story in a new biography of the Pretty Woman star, which tells of the moment she first laid her eyes on Moder.
According to author James Spada, Roberts cooed: Whos that young hunk of burning love?
And when advised to steer clear by co-star Brad Pitt, she replied: Honey, someone needs to strip that boy down, wash him up good and bring him to my trailer.
Very soon, as history records, Moder was in Roberts trailer, stripped down, wasked up, in her bed and in at the top of her list of Top 100 People I Have Been Engaged To.
Spada explains that the vegetarian actress has always had a thing for beefcake.
A friend told me that Julia loves the six-pack thing, he said. They couldnt understand why she was with Lyle Lovett, who doesnt have a body at all.
Presumably because he gave good head.’
Shy But Not Retiring
‘SEEING Kerry McPadding is like looking at Geri Halliwell in a world where Dr Atkins never existed.
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| Kerry’s new boobtube protected her innate modesty |
Kerry never did get to strap her ample chest down inside a Union Jack-print dress and scream about Girl Power while caressing her bandmates in a show of lipstick-lesbian chic.
Instead, Kerry dressed in some red trousers, a blue top with her phone number printed on the back and headed off not to The Brit music awards but to the Australian outback.
(At least, Geri would have approved of that protein-rich diet of ants and cockroaches.)
And she left behind her husband, Bryan McPudding, his mother, Mairead, and her little daughters, Lily and Molly.
OK! catches up with the foursome that Kerry left behind as it pops round to the McPuddings for a cup of tea and chat about the multifaceted Kerry – wife, mother, daughter-in-law and, most likely or not, someones cousin.
Kerry, we hear, has a terrific sense of humour. We know this because Bryan says she has.
We also know that Kerry is not in the jungle to help her career. No, she is not. Bryan tells us shes not, so she is not.
And we are forced to agree with Bryan because for the life of us we cannot think what career Kerry is trying to help.
As a TV survivalist, she is not a patch on Ray Mears; Jordans chest is bigger, so a career in glamour modelling is out; and Jennie Bonds interviewing skills push Kerry down the list of those who hope to be the next Michael Parkinson.
John Lydon is a former pop star, so perhaps, at a push, Kerry, once of Atomic Kitten (she left just before most of us had heard of the group), could be a professional former pop star.
Maybe Kerry can discuss career options with Alex Best, her fellow Im A Celebrity… performer.
They could go on to form a double act, although what the act will be is anyones guess. Perhaps they could spin plates on sticks – since Record Breakers went off the air, its been something weve sorely missed seeing?
Or Kerry could tell jokes about her boobs. Mairead says Kerrys always doing that. She is, however, very shy. We know this because Maried tells us that as well.
We also learn, from Bryan, that Kerry is a very outgoing person. We know this because Bryan tells us so.
Bryan also tells us that his wife is incredibly brave. After all, he, as he says, knows her best.
So if you are wondering what carer Kerry can pursue, ignore everything youve learnt about her from watching Im A Celebrity and reading her judgemental column in OKs free insert magazine Hot Stars, and know that Kerry is a selfless, shy, outgoing, non-whinging, dedicated, courageous, funny type.
Like Cheryl Baker with less fizz…’
Costa Bravura
‘FOR those who wish to learn more about how the real Kerry McPadding is not one bit like the foul-mouthed wannabe we see on our TV screens, her husband Bryan continues the conversation about the real her in OK!s sister magazine Hot Stars.
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| Antony has bitten off more than he can chew |
But if, like us, you want to see what Lucy Bolsters getting up to, youll stick with OK! for a while longer
Good news is that Lucy is bearing up fine. It cant have been easy being dumped by Blues Antony Costa while deep in the grip of pregnancy, but Lucys muddled on.
She had had to – shes a mum.
And like all mums who appear in OK!, she wants to tell us about her pregnancy, the few bleeds shes had, and how she survived the awful experience of nearly going into premature labour.
Its been said that each generation likes to believe it invented sex. There is a certain truth in that. But just as poignant is the thought this is the era of the women who invented childbirth.
So here we have yet another young woman telling the world about whats going on inside her.
Whats more and can there be more? Lucys insides incorporate her mental make-up, and we sit gripped as Lucy tells us about the turmoil she experienced at the hands of Costa.
Just to prove what a heartless cove he is, Costa is said to have dumped his pregnant girlfriend via a telephone call.
He then promised to be there during the pregnancy, but that was the last time Lucy says she heard for him.
If Lucys story is all true, we should consider finding it in our hearts to forgive her foray into celebrity motherhood. It might just be that speaking through OK! is the only way of telling Costa how things are going.
So we invite him to reply. Just a few words to our letters department will do, and well see the missive is published and Lucy reads it.
And if its okay with Lucy, our video suite can handle any video of the birth.
As she says, if Antony misses the birth of his first baby – he will miss a truly amazing experience.
And shes right. But thanks to us, he doesnt have to. Fetch the plunger, were going in…’
Anyone For Christina?
‘WHILE Kerry McPadding faces up to life beyond the celebrity jungle and Lucy Bolster looks ahead to her pregnancy with renewed excitement, Christina Baily faces up to some tough choices.
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| Some new balls |
Christina is the new girl in Hollyoaks, the soap opera about failed acting students in Chester.
She tells us about her tricky auditions in London and Liverpool, how nice it is to be on a steady wage and how her new pair of jeans cost her £40!
But to the question that really matters, and some background: Christina is an actress and a former representative of her university tennis team.
Knowing this, OK! pulled no punches when it asked: If you have the choice of winning an Oscar or the Wimbledon Ladies singles title, which would you pick?
Christina: I cant believe you asked me that! Thats the dilemma Ive had all my life! Like, wow! Im torn. At the moment because Im acting, Ill have an Oscar please!
Sorry, wrong answer. But heres another one: If you had to be either, would you be Kerry McPadding or Geri Halliwell?
Take youre time, Christina, take your time…’
One Degree Of Separation
‘WHAT works for Hollywood and Kevin Bacon in seven degrees has been pared down in Ireland to become the one degree of separation that links pretty much the entire population of that emerald isle to Westlife.
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| ‘I had joy, I had fun…’ |
On the cover of this week’s Hello!, we are invited to celebrate Samantha Mumba’s 21st ‘star-studded’ birthday party by looking at photos of the event.
And immediately we know the identity of the promised star studs. Yep. Westlife.
Page after page of the do features members of Sligo’s finest posing with their assorted girlfriends, wives, Ms Mumba’s friends and the birthday girl herself.
And don’t doubt for a moment that Westlife’s influence extends only to Ireland’s glitterati, as another story shows how the country’s politicians have moved closer to the band.
When we read that Cecelia Ahern, the Irish prime minister’s daughter, has written a book, we also note that she went to the launch with her bother-in-law, Westlife’s very own Nicky Byrne.
It’s clear that no event in Ireland is complete with a sparkling of Westlife magic.
Whether partying with a screen siren or making polite conversation with Dublin’s literary elite, the Westlife clan are there.
And long may they stay there…’
Plain Wong
‘THIS is not the Chinese year of the monkey for nothing, and we at Anorak are not a little displeased that our good friends Andy and Patti Wong, of Wong’s Takeaway, failed to get an invite to us for their Chinese New Year’s Eve party.
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| ‘Where’s Anorak? Weren’t they invited?’ |
We have duly removed our custom from their once thriving establishment, but not before paying one last visit and flicking through photos of their shindig that they so thoughtlessly left lying in the waiting area.
Andy and Patti have totally transformed themselves to look nothing like the couple we know and used to love into a vision of gangsta chic.
But the theme of their party seems to have been lost on many of their bestest customers and apparent friends, who missed the chance to wear bling-bling in favour of the usual attire of little black dresses, tuxedos and evening gowns.
We, of course, would not have let the Wongs down, and would have turned up as ever dripping in massive chunks of rough-hewn gold and diamonds as generous as Andy’s delicious chicken satay.
But we were not invited, although taking a look at the lot who were, we cannot help but feel a little better.
Rather than list the achievements of the guests, we merely produce a list of their names. And then only their first names.
Those who went include one of each of the following: Isabella, Giulia, Alexandra, Petrina, Koo, Percy, Eloise, Tamara and Flavio.
That leaves no room for Anorak, Brian, Tracey, Tony, Sharon, Dave, Peter or even little Armani, our office junior.
And neither does it leave much room for Andy’s twice-fried pineapple fritters. Well, not any more…’
The Lord Is Ben Shephard
‘LOOKING at Ben Shephard out there in the celebrity jungle on assignment for GMTV, we realise that he cannot have travelled alone.
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| Are you Wilfred Owen in disguise? |
It’s pretty obvious from looking at Ben’s clothes and preppy demeanour that his mum has made the journey to Oz with him, acting as his personal wardrobe assistant and style guru.
Ben is a nebbish. No, make that a celebrity nebbish, because he’s out there in the wilds of Australia showing us that whatever the Z-listers and G-cuppers can do in the camp proper he can copy…sort of.
So far, he’s made like Jenny Bond and been locked in a Perspex box and slowly lowered into a pond of water. This, says Ben, was ‘terrifying’.
He has also eaten something unpleasant and shared space with a certain Price woman. And that would be the mother of Katie Price, aka Jordan.
And judging by the photograph, Jordan’s mum and Ben look like they got on famously. Well, okay, not exactly famously, more well known in a very local sort of way…’
Turning The Other Cheek
‘THERE are some questions to which it is impossible to provide a satisfactory answer.
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| Arses about faces |
For instance, how does the bloke who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings and what would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height?
But the hardest one to answer is why do neither of the multi-talented Transylvanian twins known as The Cheeky Girls have a boyfriend?
It is a question that OK! puts to Gabriela and Monica Irimia, who are as puzzled as we are by this situation.
Maybe its because we look different from English girls, Monica says, but boys never come and talk to us.
That could very well be part of the reason after all, there are not many English girls who look like the product of an illicit liaison between Count Dracula and a whippet.
But there is perhaps more to it than that.
By their own admission, the girls never spend more than a few hours apart, although we did spend the whole night apart once.
Sadly, OK! does not probe further and discover the reason for this sole night apart, but Gabriela hints there may have been a boy involved.
Whoever he was, however, he clearly did not have the appetite for more than one night and these days it seems that the girls come very much as a package.
Touch one bum, touch the other. Anyone brave enough?’
Masto-Scrabble
‘THE Cheeky Girls deny that they are in the market for breast implants, but it seems that Danniella Westbrook cant get enough.
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| ‘I can float on my back for days’ |
In fact, it looks as if she has replaced one addiction (to cocaine) with another addiction (to silicone).
OK! catches up with the absurdly inflated ex-EastEnders star, who is only too keen to show off her £6,000 30th birthday present in a series of low-cut tops.
Little wonder that she is introduced to us as best friends with Jordan.
We were comparing breasts and bra sizes last night in the bar, Danniella says. She was like, Lets have a look! I had my coat on and she had a look down the front and was like, Theyre nice!
Thats what girls do. Girls always talk about boobs and surgery.
Of course rarely do we speak of anything else at the Anorak Knitting Circle on Thursday nights.
But we do know that us girls are competitive and, even with her new 34DD chest, Danniella must look at Jordans 34FF whoppers in envy.
So can we expect yet more surgery?
Im a big believer in cosmetic surgery, but its up to the individual, Danniella replies.
Im happy the way I am at the moment, but if in two years time theres something I dont like, Ill change it.
In the meantime, she is planning to offer Jordan her full support (and Jordan, as we know, needs one hell of a lot of support) in this years series of Im A Celebrity…
Ill be voting for Katie, unless I see shes really miserable and then I wont vote, she says.
People still voted for me when I was really miserable, which was good because people were behind me, but it can be horrible in there.
So, theres no chance that the reason people voted for you was that they wanted to keep you out in the jungle for longer, is there? Just a thought…’
If The Bra Fits…
‘ON the subject of Im A Celebrity… and large breasts, it cannot have escaped your notice that Kerry McPadding is currently providing the rain in the Australian rainforest.
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| Anyone for McPudding |
And that means that our lachrymose star wont be able to share her wit and wisdom with the readers of OK!s Hot Stars magazine this week.
But fret not for who better is there to step into her shoes and oversized bra than her large breasted husband Bryan McPudding?
And it is breasts that Bryan wants to talk to us about, in particular those on display as a drunken Sadie Frost staggered out of Kate Mosss 30th birthday party.
Sadies got a great pair, Big Mc reminds us. If they were saggy, then shed be in trouble, but even after four kids they still look great!
And so do Abi Titmusss surgically enhanced pair.
What goes on in John and Abis bedroom should be their own business, Bryan says, and its no wonder theyve taken legal action to get back pictures of their romps that Jayson Blayde stole.
If someone sell a story on a couples sex life, it should be that person whos looked down on.
Especially, if she is a lapdancer called Amy Barker, who spilt the beans on her night of passion with a certain member of Westlife on his stag do.’
Puff Daddy
‘DESPITE the best efforts of Colin Farrell to scare Hollywood off, the Enquirer brings news that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going all out to have a baby.
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| ‘Now, who was I married to again?’ |
And so committed are they to the cause that Brad has given up smoking weed.
Whereas Jennifer gave up puffing the class C drug a year back, Brad has been waking and baking with a rare gusto.
But now no more. Because, as a source that claims to have smoked with the actor suggests, Brad might have read articles that link a low sperm count to a prolonged use of marijuana.
He also might not have read anything of the kind. But what with that other link between weed and short-term memory loss, no-one is leaping one or the other way with any degree of surety.
But while Brad and his unnamed smoking pal look for a magazine article they might or might not have read, Dr Joseph Takemine, co-founder of the Betty Ford Clinic, consults his own notes.
He concurs with the alleged article, and claims that the use of marijuana can decrease sperm levels and the little chaps mobility.
He concludes: A couple who smoke marijuana can have great difficulty getting pregnant. But if they can be bothered, it is possible.
But giving up weed might not be enough. So the Enquirer says that Jen is urging Brad to give his sperm a fighting chance by wearing loose-fitting underwear and avoiding hot baths.
She also makes sure Brad drinks plenty of coffee, having read a Brazilian study that says how men who drink coffee have sperm with better strength and endurance.
Or was it someone else who read it and then told her? Or was it just a story she heard some place? Did she make it up? And…er…yeah…what was the middle one again?’
Keeping Up With Dr Jones
‘IF Brad Pitts boxer shorts and double espressos fail to impress Jennifers ovaries, the couple could always light a spliff and flick though an adoption agencys brochure.
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| Harrison Ford and a Twiglet |
This way at least Jen would get the two perfect children she dreams of having one boy and one girls – and avoid any unpleasantness, like pregnancy and less attractive offspring.
It was the preferred route for Calista Flockhart, who adopted little Liam, rather than opt for a natural fertilisation and birth, and the bonus chance of going down in history as the first mother to weigh less than her placenta.
But while Calista stays at home, her manfriend, Harrison Ford, was spotted out partying in the less salubrious environs of San Felipe on the Baja peninsular.
Having flown down there in one of his six planes, Ford picked his way over the drug dealers and homeless people who, we are told, line the streets in those parts, and made for a seedy local bar.
There, so the story goes, he ordered a number of drinks, the imbibing of which caused him to stumble and wind up under the bar.
But the truly amazing thing, as one onlooker tells us, is that even in mid-tumble, he didnt spill a drop of his beer.
Which makes him something of a hero among staff at Anorak and someone who clearly hasnt let his work with stuntmen go to waste.’
Cold Turkey
‘REMEMBER how Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck were no longer an item? Well, forget that and know that they might be once more.
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| The all-you-can-eat conversational buffet is closed for Ben and Jen |
The news is that Ben, the thinking actors Pinocchio, unexpectantly flew into Miami and swept Jennifer off her feet.
So it seems that they are back together. And that means lots more stories about whether or not they will marry.
Yes, folks, the Ben and Jen thing is back on. The Enquirer even calls them lovebirds.
But are they really back together. Well, are yer? One eyewitness heard just such a question fired at Ben.
His reply: Shes off the conversation smorgasbord.
Ben might not be much of an actor, he might not even be much of a fiancé, but let us all give heartfelt thanks that he doesnt turn his hand to scriptwriting again.
Ben and Jens conversation smorgasbord seems already overburdened with cheese and turkey.’
Becks’s Brazilian
‘RONALDO might have been named Fifa World Player Of The Year on three occasions, have a World Cup winner’s medal, a Golden Boot, a European Cup winner’s medal and be a UN Goodwill Ambassador, but in Hello!’s eyes his greatest claim to fame is that he is ‘David Beckham’s team-mate’.
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| ‘So why did your wife leave you, Goofy?’ |
And what higher accolade can he have than to play beside the man who was recently named by a poll of British 16 to 24-year-olds as the most influential character in history.
But the Brazilian is characteristically modest at being allowed not only to share the same turf as the England captain, but also the same dressing room.
And he is happy to show Hello! round the 13,000 sq ft luxury pad which the great Beckham once graced with his presence.
The time was last September, the occasion was Ronaldo’s 27th birthday and the mission was to show his world-famous team-mates just how Brazilians party.
‘It was,’ recalls Hello!, ‘David Beckham’s first real taste of Madrid’s world-famous non-stop party circuit and there was no shortage of Spanish celebrities, actresses and models.’
All drawn like so many moths around the flame that is Real Madrid’s No.23.
One woman who wasn’t there was Milene Domingues, Ronaldo’s estranged wife.
Only some men are lucky enough to meet their Victoria, and Ronaldo’s relationship with Milene sadly faltered after only four years together.
But Milene is happy to slip on a bikini and speak for the first time about their separation and her hopes of finding new love.
‘Next time I’m going to take some time to get to know the person,’ the 24-year-old says. ‘Because when you’re head over heels in love, you can’t think straight.’
And with that she slipped a well-thumbed photo out of her bikini bottoms, gazed longingly at the blond-haired footballer depicted thereon and sighed…’
A Made-Up Story
‘AS part of the Government’s vaunted New Deal, thousands of people up and down the land have learnt a new skill to equip them for the job market of the new millennium.
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| ‘Hey, Dave! Some of the grouting’s come loose’ |
Coal miners have become hairdressers, dockers have become hairdressers, steel workers have become hairdressers and master builders have become make-up artists.
In Tony’s Brave New Britain, what need have we of fossil fuels to keep warm or even four walls and a roof to protect us from the frosty wind when we have the inner glow of looking good as a personal central heating system?
Sadly, not everyone has taken to their new profession with the same panache as, say, John Prescott, once a ship’s purser and now Emeritus Professor Of English at Cambridge University.
Take, for instance, Big Dave, the new make-up artist at Hello! whose job it was to prepare Billie Piper for the photo-shoot to launch her acting career.
In an earlier incarnation, Dave was an expert bricklayer and in 1998 won the title Norwich & District Speed Bricklaying Champion after laying an impressive 1,246 bricks in half an hour.
Unfortunately, he has taken the same speed and lack of regard for the finished product to his new career.
In fact, judging by the pictures in the magazine, it appears he might have employed the same implements (to wit, a trowel) and the same materials (to wit, cement) on Mrs Chris Evans’s face.
She, however, smiled through the whole ordeal – like the brick we know she is.’
