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Peter & The Wolf
‘IT has been six long years since Peter Andre last lit up our screens with his six-pack stomach and songs like Mysterious Girl, Flava and I Feel You.
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| ‘Who ate all the pies?’ |
The fickle finger of fate which beckoned the Australian into our living rooms in the mid-1990s suddenly straightened in 1998 and sent him packing to the other side of the world.
But Peter, who is back on our screens at the moment in the latest series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here, has not been idle during that time.
He moved back to Australia, where he helped out his parents by working in the bar, restaurant and reception at their beach resort near Brisbane.
And then, says Hello!, he moved to Cyprus, ‘where he has been leading an ordinary life, running a gym with his brother and sister’.
‘He has also been writing songs,’ it adds.
Sadly, we won’t be able to hear the results of his labours for a while unless he decides to treat his fellow contestants in the Queensland jungle.
But nerves of being in such stellar company may get the better of him.
‘Johnny Rotten is a legend in my eyes,’ he explains, ‘and so is Razor Ruddock.’
Razor a legend? Of course, he is – and Peter has even penned a song as a tribute.
Altogether now, ‘Who ate all the pies? Who ate all the pies? You fat bastard, you far bastard, you ate all the pies.’ Repeat to lunch.’
Shooting From The Lip
‘IM often asked whether scoring a goal is better than sex. For me theres no contest.
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| More Internet porn |
The words of David Beckham, footballer, father and thong-wearing accessory and celebrity stepladder to the tick-like Victoria.
But why is it no contest? In the spirit of research, we have taken a good hard look at Victoria and then, with her image fixed upon our minds eye, taken a ball to our local park.
Fashioning a goalpost from Dolce & Gabbanas forthcoming summer range of jumpers and tracksuit tops, we took the ball and lashed it into the make-shift net, all the while imagining Victoria naked and in the very throes of passion.
And the result is that we concur with Day-vids opinion that it is no contest: scoring a goal is far more fun and rewarding then playing with La Posh.
And before you say that we dont really know because we never actually got to bed the former Spice Girl, we point out that neither did we get to score a goal for England in the World Cup finals. We only imagined.
And on hand to aid our fantasies is the couple who, the cover of OK! promises, tell us about how madly in lust they are, in their own words.
The first surprise is Davids claim that sex is better than scoring a goal. Of course sex is better and it certainly doesnt affect my game, says the footballer.
It does help that Vicky can easily go three months without sex, a third of a football season. It is, she says, no problem.
But its no use her going without if David wants it. Sex is madly important to us, she says. Two people have to fit together, otherwise sex is no fun.
Sadly, we get no pictures of how snug that fit is, and have to make do with less pornographic shots of their intimate moments, caught on camera and executed in the full glare of a watching paparazzi.
Over no fewer than nine photographs, the couple can be seen canoodling in each others arms. And in six of those, while Becks is doing the kissing (one on his wifes nose; five on her head), Posh is routinely looking not at him; in one shot she even stares straight into the lens.
Its an odd kind of romance, a weird sort of madly sexual relationship, where foreplay involves a peck on the forehead in preference to the more conventional lips
As such, its a good job their amazing love life and bedroom acrobatics do not interfere with Davids football if it did, hed miss the goal by miles.’
TV’s Jane
‘LOOKING at Victoria and Davids sizzling sex play is like trying to watch porn on cable without paying the subscription: you get glimpses of flesh but no real idea of whats going where.
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| Also available for circumcisions |
Its like that with todays celebrities. Few of us know what these celebs do, only that they periodically appear on TV in programmes that salute their celebrity standing.
Around one year ago, few apart from the bed-bound and mentally infirm had the first idea who Linda Barker was.
A role as a professional celebrity on Im A Celebrity… made her instantly recognisable to the world at large as that woman off the telly, and put her in line for a range of TV cameos.
She advertised electrical goods, hair dye and sofas. With DFS sofas, says the woman off the Currys advert, I have a real input with the designs.
Before I started with them, they werent doing modular sofas, but theyre coming into the stores now, and Ive also chosen the fabrics, like linen.
But behind the TV adverts, the celebrity status and the sparkling smile lies a sadness. Linda has one regret.
I would have loved a bigger family, but it wasnt to be, says the woman off the discount sofa ad. Youve got to look on the bright side. That you do.
Im a big animal fan weve got two cats, two dogs, a rabbit and a guinea pig. Im not saying animals are child substitutes, but you just have to get on and make the most of life.
And if you make the most of it in modular form and from linen, make sure you give Linda the credit she deserves…’
That Woman Off The Telly
‘AND while Linda speaks, others are queuing up to wear the crown of That Woman Off The Telly.
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| If you go down to the jungle today… |
Just as Linda Barker was once a nonentity, so too is Kerry McFadden.
Of course, she is so much more than that to OK!s legion of readers, who, thanks to her column in the mags Hot Stars insert, is our Kerry. Thats OK!s OK, for short.
Its the opportunity of a lifetime, says OK, and I cant wait to go into the jungle.
But what about being separated from your two children and your husband, the Westlife singer, Bryan McPudding?
Hes worried how well cope not being able to speak to each other, says OK! Thats really the only thing were upset about.
Oh, come, come, what about the sex? Wont you miss it, OK?
Kerry duly opens up and tells us about her last night in a London hotel in London, the one where both our babies were conceived.
Which makes us wonder why neither Molly nor Lilly is called Conran?
And, by way of an aside, how is it that celebrities with out-of-this-world sex lives always know when their baby was conceived?
Does sex take place at precise times and in particular locations for the celebrity set? If so, is there a list of approved venues?
To us mere mortals, who fumble around at home and in Travel Lodges, the precise location of conception is harder to pin down.
But while we consider one of celebrity lifes greatest mysteries, we wonder if Kerry will get any nookie in the jungle, and thus produce a child called Bush, Outback, Camp, Ant, Dec or Hut.
Or Neil (Ruddock), Jenny (Bond), Diane (Modahl) or Lord (Brocket), since in the course of her review of her fellow contestants in the celebrity jungle, Kerry admits to having never heard of any of them.
Which gives them something of a head start in the celebrity game…’
The Baldwin Truth
”IT’S GETTING UGLIER!’
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| ‘Agh! Is that what you really look like?’ |
No, not Colin Farrell’s baby son (although if you have the proof, we demand that you show us it!), but the war of words between former husband and wife Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.
The Enquirer says that things have gotten so bad that Hollywood’s former golden couple are rowing over whether Alec has the right to pick up their daughter from his mother’s front door or has to wait at her gate.
That is pretty ugly. Of course, in Hollywood ugly is just a passing phase, and nothing that a little surgical procedure cannot remedy.
However, there is still the thorny issue of what to do while the stitches are healing.
And this is where we can help. In conjunction with the Anorak chapter of the James Farrell Family Fan Club, we bring you the Eazy Farrell, a ready-made mask behind which all cosmetic surgery patients – young, old, small and ‘adorable’ – can hide while their new face gels onto their old superstructure.
And it works! If you don’t want to take our word for it, just listen to what others have been saying.
‘Since I pulled on the Anorak Eazy Farrell Jnr., no-one has called me names or dared even look in my direction’ – C. Schiffer, Iowa.
‘To think how much pain I could have been spared had I had the Anorak Eazy Farrell when I was a young boy growing up in Sligo’ – B. McPudding.
‘Thank you. Anorak! The Eazy Farrell has made me realise that there are people worse off than me. It’s not just a new face – it’s a new way of looking at the world!’ – M. Jackson.
And thank you, Colin and especially you, James, for making it all possible…’
With Friends Like These
‘HANDS up, all of you who want to know how the final episode of Friends pans out.
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| The one when we all sat on a bench on the beach |
Come on! There must be some of you who want to know why the six main characters all die in a hail off bullets when Phil Mitchell is found alive and well living in Joey’s fridge.
Oh, well, owing to the lack of interest we will not tell you. Instead, you can amuse yourselves for a few moments while we read the article – in silence! – and discover what is what and who does whom.
Yeah, try on the Farrell mask if that’s what you’re all about. And send off to the hoity-toity Colin Farrell ‘official’ fan club for the ‘official’ Farrell mask.
Go on! See if we care. While we let you in on the biggest secret in TV, you can do what you like.
Just like Rachel and Ross do as they like, when they get in a romantic clinch. Just like Chandler is doing his own thing, looking for the mother of the baby he and Monica are to adopt.
Just like Rachel, who tells Ross that she’s leaving for Paris to become a fashion consultant. Just like Phoebe, who dashes out and buys Monica and Chandler a baby duck and a baby chick.
Just like Rachel, who decides not to go to Paris and instead returns to her apartment for a reunion with Ross.
Just like Monica and Chandler, who adopt twins. Just like Phoebe, who discovers that she and Mike are madly in love.
And just like Joey, who thinks he can act, is an interesting character and will be a smash hit in his new spin-off show.
Do what you like. And don’t blame us when your show’s not spoilt because someone told you the plot…’
Take Her Down
‘IN the spirit of salvation an Anorak Eazy Farrell is on its way right now to Martha Stewart’s stylish, tasteful, yet none-too-fussy, home.
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| Prison grey is the new black |
We only hope she gets it in time, and that our touching gift doesn’t arrive after she’s found guilty of insider stock trading and sent to prison.
If it does (and, of course, she might be innocent), we ask our friends in the American penal system to make a Farrell mask for Martha.
After all, it could be the only thing that stops her being sexually assaulted by a gang of hardcore lesbians.
As friends of the accused say, Martha’s worried that her cell’s powder blue curtains and matching chintz and chiffon overalls will mark her out as a target.
‘Martha must be protected if she’s sent to prison,’ says Thomas Rosazza, a consultant on prison standards, and possible Farrell Family Fan Club member.
‘Her notoriety makes her susceptible to sexual assault and violence.’
But this can be stopped with one look at the Anorak Eazy Farrell. Remember, a Farrell is not just until the stitches heal – it can last the full term of any sentence…’
Eating Humble Pie
‘AND they say Americans don’t do irony.
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| ‘I’m ever so ‘umble’ |
‘I’m not a little rich girl who hasn’t worked a day in her life,’ hotel heiress and star of The Simple Life Paris Hilton tells Hello!
‘I’m not spoiled. I’m smart, I’m sweet, I’m nice, I’m a good person. My parents always taught us to be humble.’
There is more.
Our very own Uriah Heap describes the five weeks she spent working on a farm in Arkansas for the programme, The Simple Life, as ‘the hardest thing I’ve ever done’ – something that Rick Solomon, her co-star on a 27-minute home video released last year might take issue with.
‘I never realised that people worked for their money,’ says our 22-year-old not-at-all-spoiled little rich girl. ‘Their life is not so simple.’
Or how about this, reportedly yelled at a security guard at a Las Vegas strip club who asked her for ID?
‘I don’t need ID – my grandfather built this town!’
But Paris is a changed woman these days.
‘I don’t want to go out any more,’ she says. ‘I don’t want to party. This has really made me think about changes I want to make.’
‘I know I’m very lucky and I can buy whatever I want and don’t have to work,’ she says, ‘but I want to make my name.’
To that end, Paris now gets out of bed at about 9am or 10am, goes to auditions or acting classes, has lunch with friends and then goes shopping ‘a little’.
‘I’m trying to work really hard,’ she says.
And they say Americans don’t do irony.’
The Young Bailey
‘PARIS Hilton, beware! British model and ‘It girl’ Chloe Bailey has her sights set on making it as big on the other side of the Atlantic as she has done on this.
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| ‘America, here I come!’ |
Admittedly, this should not prove too big a task as 27-year-old Chloe (who looks rather like a flat-chested version of Jordan) is entirely anonymous in her native country.
But all that is surely set to change now that she has landed her first movie role – a leading part on Carry On London, co-starring alongside ex-EastEnders stars Danniella Westbrook and Shaun Williamson.
As roles go, things don’t come any bigger than that, but producers were no doubt impressed with Chloe’s performance in the seminal holiday-rep romp Is Harry On The Boat.
‘I already have a big agency in Los Angeles interested in representing me,’ says Chloe. ‘After Carry On London comes out in December, my main aim will be to try and further my career in the US.’
Watch out, America. The Brits are coming…’
Nikki Page Is Go
‘THEY say that in space no-one cannot hear you scream, but even John Redwood’s fellow Vulcans must have heard the blood-curdling yell that emanated from Anorak Towers when our weekly copy of Hello! dropped through the letter box.
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| A new Page in John Redwood’s life |
For who should be on the front cover but the Tory MP for Wokingham clad in a black polo-necked jumper and shiny silver jacket.
John is sitting in the kitchen of the light and airy London home he shares with Nikki Page, ‘an unashamedly glamorous and dynamic’ former catwalk model.
It is not the only thing the ‘striking’ couple share – they also share the experience of a failed marriage (or, in Nikki’s case, three failed marriages), the same political beliefs and an interest in doing up houses.
John’s chance of moving into No.10 Downing Street and putting his own interior design touches to the country’s premier political residence may have ended with two failed bids for the leadership of his party.
But Nikki has political ambitions of her own after she ‘captured the public’s imagination when she put her name forward to be the Conservative candidate for London mayor two years ago’.
Unfortunately, with the notable exception of our silver-jacketed friend, she didn’t capture the imagination of her Conservative colleagues, who wouldn’t allow her to stand, but she is not giving up.
‘What amazes me still is people come up and say, ‘We really like what you wanted to do, cutting bureaucracy and bringing down taxes – would you be prepared to do that again?’,’ says Nikki, sitting on an impeccable cream sofa in her south-west London home.
And the answer is a resounding ‘yes’ – which is why the woman known as ‘Lady Penelope’ has let her name go forward as a potential candidate for the safe Tory seat of Kensington and Chelsea.
‘There tends to be the perception that if you like to look good and glamorous, you must be half brain-dead,’ she complains – a problem that the sharply dressed John has no doubt also encountered in his many years in politics.
‘In my experience, it’s definitely not the case.’
As the likes of Ann Widdecombe and Clare Short have proved so conclusively.’
Renaissance Woman
‘IN showbiz, little things matter. Big things also matter as the presence of glamour rivals Jordan and Jodie Marsh on the front cover of this weeks OK! proves.
| ”Well, it worked for David Hasselhoff” |
However, it is the fact that the magazines world exclusive interview (and pictures) with Jordan takes pride of place on the cover that will get on Jodies all-natural DDs.
Not only that, but OK! devotes 10 pages to Jordans Antiguan holiday with son Harvey and boyfriend Scott and only six to Jodie and Fran Cosgraves marriage plans and why she had to beg him for sex.
It may not seem much to you, but that is the celebrity equivalent of a first-round knockout and it is a result that is bound to put a smile on Jordans face.
And by the sounds of it, there is not much else in Antigua to smile about as it has been raining ever since she arrived for a well-deserved holiday.
Our boat trip got cancelled, weve watched a few films on the telly, Jordan explains. I might as well be at home on a sunbed.
And life with boyfriend Scott Sullivan doesnt exactly sound like one long idyll, either.
Its all right, says Jordan. Were really good friends and hes good with Harvey. I havent seen much [on holiday]; hes been off doing his own thing. Its all right. We get on.
Not quite the normal effusive guff that OK! is used to and, we venture to suggest, not a relationship that is heading for a church or registry office anytime soon.
But 2004 promises to be a big year for Jordan in other ways not only will she release her autobiography but she is also planning on releasing a record.
Every year I say its going to happen this year! she says. Ive been offered tracks but I dont want to sit around a pool in a bikini singing a cheesy song.
I couldve done that years ago. I want to do something a bit more credible. I just need one person to give me one chance.
Ill go and do it in Germany if I have to.
After all, if a big tit like David Hasselhoff can have a hit over there, then surely two big tits like Jordan will go down like a Club 18-30 rep at a foam party.’
Pony And Trap
‘ASKING Jodie Marsh whether she has any celebrity friends is a bit like asking Hot Stars columnist Kerry Katona whether she sleeps on her back.
| ”Anyone seen a footballer?” |
Of course Jodie has celebrity friends.
Ricardo from The Salon came to my birthday party at my boyfriend Frans nightclub, Trap, the woman herself explains. Ricardo was dancing on the tables and pulled up our mums to join him!
Mohammed George (Gus from EastEnders) is a good friend.
So thats two already, even if you dont include Jodies boyfriend Fran Cosgrave, who once went out with Atomic Kitten Natasha Hamilton.
And thats not all. Jodie once snogged Dane from D-Side; she went to Lindsey Dawn Mackenzies birthday party; and she had a great time at last years MTV Base party.
Loads of celebs were there, she gushes, everyone was up for a laugh and there was lots of free booze and food.
And if that isnt the recipe for a good party, wed like to know what is.
But despite their celebrity friends and celebrity parties, Fran and Jodie have their feet very much on the ground.
The showbiz couple thing doesnt bother me, Fran says. When people see us as a couple, I think they presume a lot about us.
This not a quick fling. This relationship is not about us being the next Posh and Becks.
Indeed, Fran seems to have a bit of an obsession with not being the Beckhams.
Jodies often turned up at the club wearing the same clothes as me its weird, he says elsewhere in the interview. People think we plan it like Posh and Becks, but we dont.
Indeed Fran couldnt be more unlike Becks if he tried. And as for Posh and Jodie, well, ones a fame-obsessed talentless wannabe and the other…’
Georgie Girl
‘IF Jodie Marsh has been described as the new Jordan, Sky Sports News presenter Georgie Thompson has had to make do with being the thinking mans Jordan.
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| ‘I could use Jordan’s bra as a starter home’ |
I can sort of see the compliment, says the diminutive 26-year-old. I have no problems with what she does.
The only problem she does have is that a thinking man would probably not be looking for a Jordan in the first place.
And, even if they were, they would likely to miss Georgie altogether, as she is only 5ft tall.
Whether Georgies boyfriend Oliver is a thinking man or indeed was looking for Jordan we dont know, but we do know that at 5ft 11in hes shorter than most of her exes.
Olivers just the right height, says Georgie. Its nice being a small girl with a strapping young man to look after you and protect you.
Failing that, find a bloke called Oliver who works in PR.
And, failing that, do as GMTV star Carla Romano did and start going out with an investment banker by the name of Torquil.
The thinking womans Scott Sullivan.’
Bringing Up Baby
‘WE are not by nature a cruel bunch at Anorak. Sure, the occasional live bunny is boiled, but who doesnt do that?
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| What force lurks in Colin’s genes? |
But even good people like us were forced to utter a collective gasp when we saw the face of James Farrell, son of Colin Farrell and Kim Bordenave.
Put it this way, if Colin ever wants to work with his son he should pen a script for Rosemarys Baby II: It Lives!
James is not a lovely, cuddly, good-looking baby. It needs to be said. There is kindness in our cruelty; its better he knows how things are from the off.
Even the Enquirer has nothing nice to say about the bundle, not mentioning a single gorgeous, stunning or wonderful in its story.
All it does say is that the parents are not happy with each other. James doesnt get much of a look in since Colin and Kim are not on the best of terms.
A source says that Colin in paying the mother of his first born $8,000 per month. Thats a lot of green stuff, especially since our contact in the baby selling business assures us that James looks like a $100 package – all in.
But it seems (at least according to Kims lawyer it does) that she is entitled to more. Indeed, she is in line for a whopping $80,000 a month.
Thats a little more like it. But Colin is not saying if shell get the dough or not, since hes been busy partying with Angelina Jolie.
An eyewitness spotted the two at a club in London and noticed that Colin couldnt keep his hands to himself. They were dirty dancing, flirting and kissing for hours.
But then another source, again unnamed, tells us that, although Colin is interested in Angelina, she found his childish antics irritating and brushed him off.
But if she really wants to see some unappealing childishness, she should take a look at his nipper – although its nothing a couple of hundred grand cant put right…’
B25 Again
‘ON the subject of surgery, the Enquirer is running an advert that makes us wonder as to its validity.
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| Polly Filler’s new range |
It goes: Vikki La Motta Hasnt Aged In Over 15 years! The story continues: Thousands of women now look 10, even 15, years younger every day. Let Vikki take away your age lines and wrinkles almost instantly…without surgery!
To support the headlines claim, the advert shows three pictures of Vikki, aged 45, 50 and 55. It also tells us that Vikki was the fist Playboy model over 50.
She is now 63 Years Young!, a fact worthy of another exclamation mark and your silent awe. After all, as the message says, Vikki does indeed look as she did aged 45.
This might be because she has had buckets of plastic surgery. It might also have something to do with a cream that Vikki rubs on her face each night.
Its called B25 and Vikki actually created the formula herself 15 years ago. She has brains as well as a weird ageless beauty.
And so confident is she that it will work for you she has issued a Your Mirror Doesnt Lie SET IN STONE MONEY BACK GUARANTEE.
Of course the mirror can lie, especially if its inside the lens of a camera.
Just look at Penelope Cruz and her homophonous boyfriend, Tom. [We said homophonous, Tom. No need to sue.]
The Enquirer gets an expert to look over a few stills of the pair, and he tells us that their love looks phoney.
They appear to be more interested in keeping up appearances than in each other, says Atlanta-based body language expert Patti Wood.
The camera could be lying. And if it is, its doing so through gritted brilliant white teeth just like those Vikki shows in each of her shots.’
Time And Tide
‘WHILE we are on appearances, wed like to say that age has caught up with Debbie Harry. In fact, its run her over and reversed over the corpse for good measure.
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| The first Mrs James Farrell? |
We know, we know if only shed have read the advert for Vikki La Mottas face cream.
But Debbie didnt, and is now 58 years old five years younger than Vikki!
But even if she did wind back the clock 15 years, shed still be too old to wear the outfit she got up in to perform at a concert in Florida.
The Xena Warrior Princess meets Dolly the Sheep look does not get the Enquirers seal of approval, and neither does it get ours.
But it just might get that of James Farrell, who needs to know that not everyone in showbizland is beautiful.
And if can find others like him and Debbie and cultivate them as his pals, were sure hell have as normal a life as any other refreshingly normal person living high in the Hollywood hills with his ten dogs and a gun called Wilbur…’
Nina Rebuilds Her Life
‘THERE are all kinds of apples bobbing around in the celebrity barrel good apples, bad apples, rotten apples, cooking apples, Cox, Golden Delicious…
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| Nina and Rick in happier times |
So, when Hello! dunks its head in the water every week and wraps its pearly whites around a fruit, it has no idea what it will emerge with.
Some weeks the barrel is full of the choicest specimens imaginable, other weeks the barrel is all but empty and Hello! can do nothing but scrape up the pulp that has gathered on the bottom.
This is one of those weeks – and liberal doses of sugar and a handful of spice cant disguise the poor quality of the ingredients with which Hello! has to put together this weeks magazine.
We are told that Nina Carter, for instance, has lived a life as momentous as the man she is divorcing, but when we learn that that man is Countdown regular (and former Yes keyboardist) Rick Wakeman, we are hardly licking our lips in anticipation.
Nina, we learn, was a model and was once dubbed The Body but Elle McPherson she is not.
Nina, we are told, made tabloid history, along with Jilly Johnson and Viv Neves, as the first of the Page 3 girls and still posses remarkable looks and a fantastic figure.
And Nina was also a pop star, teaming up with fellow Page 3 stunna Jilly Johnson in a group called Blonde On Blonde.
Their biggest hit was a cover of Led Zeppelins Whole Lotta Love, which although it sadly failed to break into the UK charts was one of two No.1s the group enjoyed in Japan.
In between all this, Nina also managed to find time to be an anorexic and a drug addict, as well as running her own agency called Ninas People.
However, Nina wants to draw a line under this part of her life and introduce us to her new love, known only as John (who, at 29, is her junior by 22 years).
John is her best friend, her partner, her lover, her everything including, it would seem from the circumstances behind their meeting, her builder.
John, you see, had come to the house to give Nina and Rick a quote on some work that needed doing and Nina knew from the moment that she looked at him that they were going to get on.
I like to see stars, she explains, and have dreams, to hold hands, cuddle up and watch a good movie.
I like to light candles, listen to lovely music and feel romantic.
John likes to do some coving, a spot of grouting, the occasional bit of repointing…’
Crocodile Tears
‘ENGLISH apples may be out of season or have turned to pulp (with Chris Tarrant the best specimen on show), but the same is not true elsewhere in the world.
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| Steve prepares to puree his son’s lunch |
And for this weeks edition, Hello! has imported a well-known Australian variety in the khaki shorted shape of crocodile hunter Steve Irwin.
However, ever since Steve dangled his baby in the jaws of a croc in front of a crowd at his Australia Zoo reptile park in Queensland, he is controversial wildlife warrior Steve Irwin.
But Steve has hit back in the way of all good Australian males he has gone on TV and burst into tears.
Id be a bad parent if I didnt teach my kid what was in the back yard, he sobbed, adding that his father had done the same to him when he was a baby.
A month earlier, Steve had been all smiles when he and wife Terri gave an exclusive interview just two days after the birth of their son, Robert Clarence.
Mate, it doesnt get any better than this, he said, little knowing at the time how right time would prove him to be.
The little kid was in such a hurry to get out that he got hooked up near Terris pelvic bone. She was totally exhausted, so the doctor used a suction cap to free his tiny head, which all of a sudden just pooped out.
His shoulder got jammed, so I moved my hands up to help him on his way and with a slight twitch, we welcomed Bob into the world.
He was given a bit of oxygen, then I places him on Terris chest. He started a sucking motion he was looking for his tucker straight away.
It was so overwhelming I couldnt stop crying.
Crocodile tears, we imagine.’
Annul Points
‘IT used to be known as the curse of Hello! anyone foolish enough to invite the magazine to their nuptials would soon find themselves heading for the divorce courts.
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| ‘I’ll marry the first man to write me a hit song’ |
But Britney Spears found a way round that problem by taking in a wedding and annulment before Hello!s presses could leap into life.
That leaves the magazine with nothing to do but to pick over the bones of the two-day union and seek out Britneys views on the institution of marriage.
Does marriage appeal to you? it asks the 22-year-old singer.
In the future, yes, she replies. I would like to get married. I think I still need my freedom, though. I need to live my life and take my time.
And take her time she certainly did, all 55 hours of it between saying I do, I wish I hadnt and finally I didnt know what I was doing.
Do you have a message you want to give to your fans? Hello! asks.
At the end of the day, she replies, you never know what tomorrow is going to bring. [How true!]
Be nice to people and make them feel comfortable, she continues, give them something, even if it its just a little smile. A smile can change the world.
And if that doesnt work, you could always try giving slipping your ring on their finger.’
The Stepford Daughters
‘IN the pursuit of perfection Natasha Bryer has something of a head start on the assorted Armanis, Jordans and Chelseas who, along with their Slovenian maids, make up the celebrity playground.
| Blonde ambition |
You see perfection is a woman called Tania – and Tania just happens to be Natasha’s mum. Tania also happens to be blonde and an alumnus of her daughter’s school.
So in the race to be perfect (i.e. Tania), Natasha has the right genes, the right blonde hair, the right school and the right amount of celebrity.
She also has the right story to tell. Whereas other children will be only able to talk of childhood trips to Aspen, Monaco and Brent Cross shopping centre, Natasha can tell us all about her birth and the state of her mother’s placenta.
The miracle has every advantage. That’s what Tania calls the girl who spent her fifth birthday party dressed up as Peter Pan and in the company of OK! hacks and snappers – ”my little miracle”.
But the competition to be like Tania is fierce and closing in on the goal of every little girl is Natasha’s sister, Francesca.
Natasha has a rival, but also a friend, as Tania reminds OK!’s avid readers that ”they adore each other so much and are either cuddling or fighting over toys”.
However, we are delighted to learn that Francesca also loves all of Natasha’s friends and was just as excited about the party as the birthday girl.
But neither of them are as excited as Tania. ”Actually,” says Tania, ”the person who enjoys these parties the most is me! It gives me great pleasure planning them and organising every last detail.”
Which makes us wonder why Tania’s Stepford daughters have only one birthday each. It’s high time there was an official birthday for Natasha and Francesca, to complement their actual biological birthdays.
With Tania’s golden touch (surely assisted blonde?), a host of children’s entertainers, a new Kensington eatery keen to get some promotion and OK!’s frosted lights, it’ll be an annual event to cherish.’
Something Blue
‘WITH Tania Bryer around, OK!’s future – indeed, that of us all – is in safe hands.
| The Rat Pack |
But while the love affairs, marriages and divorces of Natasha and Francesca Bryer are OK! photoshoots to come, people today can attend what the magazine calls a ”BLUE WEDDING”.
But which one of the boyband, who gave us hits like Blue Is The Colour and In The Navy (Blue), has tied the knot?
The front-page picture shows rat-faced band member Lee Ryan standing to one side of a woman dressed as a bride, while Don Johnson lookalike Duncan James stands on another.
All is revealed inside the magazine. And well done all of you who guessed option C, knowing that the groom on the big Blue wedding was John Nicholls.
You’re equally right, of course, when you say that he’s not in the band; the wedding’s Blue hue is rooted in the bride, Gemma, who is sister to aforementioned rat-faced Lee.
The family resemblance is not without its minuses but, rather than dwell on the face, we look to the heart and offer our congratulations to the girl who was generous enough to send wedding invitations to her brother, his work colleagues, his PR agents and the staff at OK!’
Brazier Burns Brightly
‘FLICKING through OK!, it’s pretty obvious that what Ben Affleck, Julia Roberts and the other stars who open their souls to OK! need is a miracle daughter like Natasha Bryer.
| Goody and her gumdrop |
But, life is rarely fair. But to give some of us hope, we find ourselves looking at what OK! calls the ”hottest men of 2004”.
Predictably, Jonny Wilkinson gets the top spot, edging out EastEnders’ Nigel Harman, actor Orlando Bloom, the ubiquitous David Beckham, Will Young (”I like my bum. I want more comments about it from people”) and actor Jason Merrells.
Also there are Freddie Ljungberg, Coronation Street actor Bruno Langley, Demi Moore’s son Ashton Kutcher and…
Well, we don’t want to spoil things, but having told you the list, we’d like you to make a guess as to which hero is the remaining hottest man on planet earth.
And, remember, he is there to give us all hope.
”George Clooney?” No! ”Colin Farrell?” Wrong! ”Jude Law?” Bad call. ”Cliff Richard?” Yeugh! ”Euan Blair?” No! ”Bryan McFadden?” Very, very wrong. ”Lee Ryan?” Pervert!
No, the answer is Jeff Brazier, the man who enjoys a ”high-profile relationship” with Jade Goody – who, incidentally, is at No.24 on the list…’
Babes Against Bush
‘HILARY Clinton is no stranger to stripping off for the cameras – as a student, she posed naked as part of a Yale University eugenics project.
| Hilary shows off her manifesto |
And while the National Enquirer tells us that the reason the former First Lady isn’t running for President this year is because she’s worried that scandalous gay allegations would wreck her bid, we at Anorak think there is another reason.
The launch of a group called Babes Against Bush has persuaded Hilary that she can do more harm to the current President by showing off the charms that drove Bill Clinton into the arms of Monica Lewinsky than she can through the ballot box.
Babes Against Bush (”…because hot chicks hate him too”) features scantily clad women posing provocatively in a bid to highlight the current administration’s failings.
The pictures are reproduced on a calendar, on a website and on T-shirts, all of which are for sale at www.babesagainstbush.com.
And, although we at Anorak haven’t been able to scrape together the $11 (plus $1.95 p&p) to buy a copy of the Regime Change Countdown Calendar, word is that Miss September bears an uncanny resemblance to the junior senator for New York.
Eleanor Vast-Binder, a former construction worker and one of the group’s creators, explains the origins of Babes Against Bush to the Enquirer.
”Sometimes the best way to get a guy’s attention is to flash a little bit of skin,” she says. ”We figured that this was a good, fun way to make people aware of the damage George Bush is doing to America.”
However, it is unclear whether Mrs Clinton is more interested in grabbing a guy’s attention or a girl’s.
The Enquirer reports on the existence of a secret ”lesbian file”, compiled by Mrs C’s political enemies and detailing her alleged gay affairs.
”It’s dynamite,” a source who claims to have seen the file tells the Enquirer. ”It’s very, very powerful stuff.”
In her book, Gennifer Flowers claims that she confronted Bill and asked about the lesbian rumours surrounding his wife.
”Honey,” he is supposed to have replied. ”She’s probably had more women than I have.”
After months of painstaking research, we at Anorak can confirm that Hilary still lags behind her husband in terms of the number of women each have had.
As our top investigator said, ”She’s close – but no cigar.”’
The Big Five-O
‘IF Hilary Clinton is Miss September, then who is the even more familiar face of Miss July (and half of August)?
| Miss July (and half of August) |
Why, it’s none other than the king-size queen of the talk show, Oprah Winfrey naked as the day half a century ago when she was born.
The Enquirer tells us the somewhat disturbing news that Oprah is considering giving boyfriend Stedman Graham ”an eye-poppin’ surprise” as part of her 50th birthday celebrations – a series of classic nude pictures of herself.
Thankfully, the pictures are for Stedman’s eyes only, but one does wonder where this sudden craze for middle-aged women to take their clothes off – started by the Rycroft WI and immortalised in the film Calendar Girls – is going to stop.
Rumours persist that Vanessa Feltz, Fern Britton, Anne Diamond and Charlie Dimmock have all signed up to pose naked for a Comic Relief calendar.
And, even more disturbingly, we hear that in next year’s Royal Family calendar, the Queen’s corgi might not be the only model snapped wearing nothing but a dog collar.’
Home Remedies
‘DEMI Moore has never needed any second invitation to remove her clothes and show off whatever body she happens to be sporting at the time.
| Paris brushes her teeth |
But even new $400,000 bodies need servicing – and we’re not talking about toyboy Ashton Kutcher taking it out for a regular spin.
The Enquirer reveals that Demi keeps her lips luscious by using Burt’s Beeswax Lip Balm – a concoction that’s loaded with beeswax, coconut oil, Vitamin E and lanolin.
Hers is just one of 15 bizarre beauty secrets of the rich and famous that the Enquirer kindly agrees to share with us this week.
For instance, we learn that Sandra Bullock uses haemorrhoid cream to shrink the bags under her eyes; Naomi Campbell smears her lips in raspberry Jell-O to keep them red; and Shania Twain moisturises with a remedy initially developed to prevent chapping on cows’ udders.
Catherine Zeta Jones keeps her teeth white by brushing them with strawberries; Nicole Kidman washed her hair in cranberry juice’ and Sarah Jessica Parker washes her hair in a shampoo that is specially formulated for horses.
As for Anorak’s favourite hotel heiress Paris Hilton, she as anyone who has seen her video will confirm, keeps her teeth white with an altogether different product.’
