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The Cover Girls
‘THE good thing about being in Westlife is that you get to hang around with a cracking bunch of lads.
| A negative of the happy couple on their big day |
That’s what it says on the tin from whence Sligo’s biggest act in eons came.
The other thing that’s just dandy about being a Westlifer is that you get to meet lots of bridesmaids. Why? Well, every few months one of the boys gets hitched.
This week it’s the turn of Shane Filan to say ”I do” as he steps down the aisle with his sweetheart, Gillian Walsh.
The bride wore white for the big day and, as is the fashion among Westlifers, so did the groom – although he did wear a pair of black shoes.
We like to bring you these little details because they are the things that differentiate one Westlife wedding from the next.
As is the way at such dos, Ronan Keating danced attendance in a frock coat.
Also there was the band’s manager, Louis Walsh. And, as usual, there were white horses and plenty of white teeth and puckered white flesh.
And, as with all things Westlife, there was another version of the same thing later coming along, only with a different drum beat and Shane in a pair of shoes that matched the rest of his outfit.
It’s a wedding Westlife style – it’s a cover wedding.’
Quad Erratic Demonstrandum
‘IS it the light or just the way they’re sitting? Looking at Hello!’s cover shot of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne rekindles painful memories of photographs of Liza Minelli and David Gest.
| Ozzy was relieved to see the suregons has sewn his fingers back on in the right order |
Sharon (she’s on the left) has the same thick, wiry black hair as worn by Minelli. And Ozzy, if it is him and not some waxwork double, looks as blank and unreal as Gest.
For Sharon’s look we must talk to her stylist; but Ozzy’s otherworldliness could be rooted in his recent game of dice with death.
Of the famous quad bike accident that left the singer in a coma for eight days, there is much to say – and when Hello! tells us that this is first time the pair have talked about his prang, you known it will not be the last.
In fact, we get more than just Ozzy and Sharon’s take on things, because for good measure, Hello! invites others to tell the world about that dreadful day.
First up is ”the bodyguard who saved his life”, otherwise known as Sam Ruston.
”He is one of the warmest and funniest people I’ve ever met,” says the hero (a fact that sounds all the more credible when we learn that Sam was once a policeman). ”I’d never have been able to live with myself if he’d died that day.”
And we must be thankful that Ozzy did not die, because his demise would have trigged something of a bloodbath.
Not only would Sam not have been able to carry on but neither would Sharon, who the magazine tells us would have killed herself had Ozzy shuffled off his mortal coil.
It’s pretty clear that the Osbourne kids were a fraction away from being orphaned, something that young Kelly doesn’t dare touch upon, preferring to think only positive thoughts and remind us of the moment she told dad that their duet had reached No.1 in the pop charts.
It was the kind of thing Ozzy wanted to hear, and he responded by giving Kelly the thumbs up. No, make that two thumbs up – this was Ozzy’s first ever No.1 hit in the UK.
In any case, like Kelly, we all knew he’d be all right. It’s not only Keith Richards who cannot be killed by conventional weapons – although running yourself over with a quad bike is a good effort at escaping the norm…’
What Happens Next?
‘COME with us now on a game of Celebrity What Happens Next?
| ”I’m squids in here” |
We have paused the action just as Ozzy Osbourne reaches the crest of a hill and focused the camera on a large divot that lies on the down slope.
Now look on in wonderment as Colin Farrell climbs astride a camel in Egypt and then lets go of the reins with his hands. What happens next?
Well, it looks like Colin has a drink and perhaps a bite to eat with fellow actress Angelina Jolie and her nipper, Maddox.
But it could have been worse. And while your mind spins with the drama that might have unfolded, Hello! throws up the image of Chris de Burgh jet skiing.
The unforgiving whiteness of de Burgh’s legs presents a risk of its own – snowblindness to the casual observer. But look now as he raises one hand off the bar in a wave to the camera.
So what happens next? Answers on a plastercast to the usual address. But here’s a clue: a giant squid will mate with anything at this time of year.’
Ugly – The New Beautiful
‘A SHE-MOUNTAIN wins Pop Idol; a Hobbit becomes World Idol; and Victoria Beckham has a career as a model – these days it’s good to be ugly.
| Phwoar! |
In fact, as Anorak readers will no doubt be delighted to learn, minging is the new beautiful. Boilers are the new babes. Fat is the new thin. And pale and spotty is the new black.
Dedicated leaders of fashion that we are, we have peered into our crystal ball and make the following predictions for 2004.
It will be the year when even the world’s most beautiful starlets go under the plastic surgeon’s knife to try to add a few flaws to their otherwise perfect anatomies.
We will all abandon the Atkins Diet in favour of the high-carb, low protein Fatkins Diet and quickly balloon to Feltzesque proportions.
The ”English smile” will sweep America with people from New England to New Mexico queuing round the block for an appointment with the orthodontist and the chance to have their perfect white gnashers discoloured and set at irregular angles.
Teenaged boys in Britain will rip down their posters of Britney Spears, Nadine from Girls Aloud and the fit one out of the Sugababes and replace them with lifesize representations of Lisa Riley, Nicola from Girls Aloud and the fat ginger one out of Hollyoaks.
Teenaged girls will turn their noses up at Enrique Iglesias, David Beckham and Ant (of Ant & Dec fame) and swoon instead over Rik Waller, Gary Neville and Dec (of Ant & Dec fame).
And all of a sudden, all the cool boys at school will be trying to stick their tongues down Spotty Dottie’s throat, but she will have eyes only for Mongoloid Martin.
How do we know all this? We know because we have seen the new edition of OK! magazine, that barometer of the zeitgeist, the self-styled ”first for celebrity news”.
In its first edition of 2004, it parades before us the twin delights of Pop Idol queen Michelle McManus – all 15 stone of her – giving her first ever interview and Jade Goody telling the world how she went from size 16 to ”a perfect 10”.
Of course, there is nothing perfect about a Size 10 in 2004, but Jade should not fret – she is no more a Size 10 than Britney Spears is a virgin. Or unmarried.
But if want to have a body like Jade’s, OK! tells you how – simply nip into your local HMV and buy a copy of The New Jade Dance Workout.
Alternatively, if Jade’s perfect body is not to your liking, how about doing Pilates with Fern Britton, ”the UK’s favourite TV presenter”? Or trade in your old Danniella Westbrook C-Plan Diet for her new Better Body Workout (which involves nothing more strenuous than spending £6,000 on a new set of boobs).
The real gem, however, among all these post-Christmas offerings is Anne Diamond’s A New You – ”a complete starter kit containing everything you need for a new you”.
Now, we at Anorak are taking our New Year’s resolution to be that little bit nicer this year very seriously, but we can’t help asking: ‘If you had to choose ”a new you”, would it look like Anne Diamond?’
We only ask…’
Dress For Success
‘HANDS up, those of you who have joined a gym already this year. And hands up, those of you who are still going. That’s one of you, then.
| Zoe puts her little black dress through its paces |
Much better to save your money and spend it on one of the new ‘keep fit’ videos out.
And if you don’t fancy dancing with Jade Goody, doing Pilates with Fern Britton or modelling your new self on Anne Diamond, then can we recommend Zoe Lucker’s Little Black Dress Workout?
It is, in the words of no less a judge than OK!, ”a real workout for real women” – the worrying implication being that neither Jade, Fern or Ann are real women.
But what exactly is ”a little black dress workout”? We’re sure Jane Fonda used to wear a leotard when she started the ‘keep fit’ trend all those years ago.
And, although we at Anorak don’t pretend to be experts in this particular genre, we would suggest that even now a good pair of plimsolls, a pair of white polyester shorts and a T-shirt that is two sizes too small is far more practical (if not aesthetically pleasing) exercise gear than a little black dress.
Having said that, it appears that Zoe herself knows next to nothing about working out, having been to the gym but twice in the past seven years and, by her own admission, never having been big on exercise.
And, as that hasn’t stopped her from producing her own exercise video, neither will the fact that we don’t know a treadmill from a pepper mill stop us.
Ladies and gentlemen, can we humbly present Anorak’s Spanking Good Workout – ”S&M for the Eminem generation” (The Face), ”Wearing a nappy has never been so much fun” (Good Parenting) and ”I was red raw for days” (Jamie Theakston).’
The Marsh Of Time
‘SHAME on any of you who booed Kym Marsh when she appeared on stage to congratulate Phil Taylor at the end of the World Darts final last weekend!
| Kym was devastated when she realised someone had stolen her breasts |
Didn’t you know that not only is Kym one half of showbusiness’s hottest couple, but she is a ”singing sensation” in her own right?
So says OK! as it spots a rosy-cheeked Kym picking out a ”splendiferous” Christmas tree at a garden centre in St Albans in Hertfordshire.
Not only that but Kym’s daughter Emily is already following in the family footsteps, with agents beating a path to the door of her wendy house.
”I’m in discussions with big names who want to sign her,” a beaming Kym told OK! ”She’s going to be a star. I’m determined not to hold her back.”
Hold her back? We hardly think so. What better start in life than to have Kym Marsh as your mother and Jack Ryder as your stepfather?
After all, there’s nothing life a failed singer and out-of-work actor to remind you of the pitfalls of a career in showbiz…’
If You Can’t Make It There
‘LAST year we looked on as Jack Ryder was cast into oblivion when his EastEnders’ character, Jamie Mitchell, became brown bread.
| The Devil makes work for idle hands… |
The year ahead was to be full of film roles, billings as the ”New Englishman in Hollywood”, fame, fortune and, just perhaps, even an Oscar or three.
And so it was to prove. And 12 months on Jack is in New York, appearing in a play with his wife, the singer Kym Marsh.
In this off-off-Broadway production, Kym and Jack walk the streets of the Big Apple talking about life, love and happiness.
OK! trots alongside, acting as a narrator to this piece of mobile theatre.
”Do you think playing Jamie Mitchell has been a hindrance as people are now typecasting you?” asks OK!
It’s a cutting take on humour that many Americans following events might well miss.
Jack does corpses well and, if the role demands that he plays dead and not actually speak or move, then so be it. He is but a humble player.
Of course, this role requires so much more versatility. On the plane over, Jack hyperventilated. In Central Park, Jack bit into a pretzel. And when the car in which he and Kym were travelling in passed Ground Zero a hush fell upon him.
Kym stared out of the window. ”You really notice the gap in the skyline, she offers. ”It’s very chilling.”
And, as she says just a few passages on: ”It’s good to chill out because it’s going to be hectic over Christmas.”
For you and this turkey three, guys. For you and the turkey three…’
Sausage Time
”’THE only tense moment comes when David tries to tempt his lovely wife to an extra chipolata.”
| ”Just one more chipolata…” |
So writes OK! as it invites us to join them in ”celebrating Christmas with Victoria and David”.
(Just like Lassie, Jesus and Santa, you know you’ve really arrived when you’re identifiable by just your first name.)
And so it is that we take a gander at how David Beckham and Posh Spice are preparing for the festive season.
And what’s this? We seem to have arrived at Beckingham Palace as the couple are being visited by Justin Timberlake and Prince William.
”Luckily,” says the magazine, ”Justin isn’t crying a river but seems to be in the mood for a party.”
And so too the prince, who, as the mag says, is getting in the mood for things to come by wearing a golden paper crown from one of the crackers.
Later, after the chipolatas have been eaten and the jokes been told, the foursome indulge in a game of Twister followed by a sing-a-long around the old piano.
Cheeky Justin picks up Victoria under his arm and with a rare musical ability utilises a turkey leg as an impromptu drumstick to rap out a tune on her ribs.
But the notes seem a little crackly, and Victoria screaming out in pain manages to sound more tuneful than usual.
That prince has less of a plum in his mouth than a stick of chewing gum.
And judging by the way Timberlake’s moving he wants less two front teeth for Christmas and more two new feet.
The jig is up! These are impostors, mere look-alikes. We are not looking at the real Wills, Just, Day-vid and Posh.
Or, maybe we are..?’
The Royal Family
‘HOW the Queen must wish that, like Pam Ewing in Dallas, she could wake up to the noise of Prince Philip in the shower and the realisation that this year had been a bad dream!
| Bull’s eye |
In its role as the nations favourite soap opera, The Royal Family provided its subjects with many moments of both high and low drama over the course of 2003.
But when the family gather at Balmoral this Christmas for their traditional festive sing-a-long and game of darts, there is no doubt whose face will adorn the board (even if, given the form Prince Charles demonstrated on the oche during a visit to a Cambridgeshire pub, that is probably the safest place in the room).
Paul Burrell proved that revenge is a dish best served cold and by a man with years of experience as a butler when he revealed lots of juicy titbits about his former employers, first in court and then inevitably in a book.
As well as exposing a healthy black market in unwanted Royal gifts, we learnt that Prince Charless staff included someone whose duty it was to squeeze exactly the right amount of toothpaste onto the royal brush as well as to hold the Royal sceptre when the heir to the throne wanted to have a pee.
Later on in the year, we were also to hear that said member of the Royal households duties included hand-delivering a wake-up call to the Prince Of Wales (or was it by mouth?)
Burrell, who had been accused of stealing from Princess Dianas estate, was only acquitted in the case of Regina v Burrell when Regina herself remembered that he was innocent.
Either that or she realised the embarrassment he could cause her family if the case went on any longer.
As it was, Burrell was soon spilling his guts to the Mirror, which we imagine is not exactly newspaper of choice in the Palace these days.
Not content with hearing Burrells stories of how Diana once had nine men on the go at the same time, the paper sent a journalist into the Palace to sniff out some gossip for himself.
Nominally sent undercover to expose lapses in Royal security, Ryan Parrys main scoop was the revelation that the Queen likes to eat her breakfast surrounded by Tupperware and her dinner in front of her favourite TV programmes – EastEnders, The Bill and Kirstys Home Videos.
However, that wasnt even the most serious breach of Royal security comedy terrorist Aaron Barschak dressed up as Osama Bin Laden in drag and managed to gatecrash Prince Williams 21st birthday party.
The police promised an investigation and said procedures would be tightened up just as they were to do a couple of months later after the Ryan Parry episode.
However, the papers were quick to point out that had Barschak been a real terrorist he could have taken out the whole Royal family bar Prince Edward.
The thought of Edward The Bald or The Actor King ascending the throne was enough to send a shiver down the nations spine and Prince Harry was immediately despatched to Australia for safe keeping.
There he spent a miserable few months watching rugby, cavorting in the surf with young Australian girls and generally having all the fun deprived to his brother.
William couldnt talk to a girl without the papers getting into a frenzy of excitement at the prospect of a new life to ruin.
But if we failed to discover the lucky recipient of Wills last Rolo, we did learn the identity of his favourite sweets Maltesers and Milky Ways.
All of which came as a bit of a disappointment to his dad hes more of a sherbert fountain man.’
All They Want For Christmas
‘SINCE it is Christmas, it’s only right that we wonder what the stars want in their stockings.
| ”Make that a lot of bath oil” |
All you fans out there in stalker land, listen up. Forget the used knickers and pictures of yourself naked in the garden – here’s the list.
Coronation Street’s Nikki Sanderson wants a copy of the Lion King. Her fellow Corrie actor Samia Ghadie doesn’t want a letter in which you talk of your undying love and how you’ve papered your house with pictures of her – a few bath oils and some perfume will do just fine.
It’s unlikely that Kym Marsh will want your collection of 2003 toenail clippings and ”spare hair”, as she has her eye on a red dress she’s spotted in Bloomingdales and a Yorkshire terrier.
Soap babe Tina O’Brien wants some vouchers and anything to do with shopping.
So get ordering if you want those Anorak Comfi-Slax to arrive with Santa!
But the real gift they all want is a hit single, a job acting in a soap opera and an affair with someone more famous than them.
Failing that, a mention in OK! will do ’
Star Billing
‘NO wonder Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez called off their wedding at the last minute how could they compete for the title of Wedding Of The Year with Ulrika Jonsson and her victim, er, husband Lance Gerrard Wright.
| Lancedalot and Lancelot |
The couple got married among family and friends in Sweden in August but with one conspicuous absentee at the ceremony.
For a woman as publicity-hungry as Ulrika, not inviting Hello! or OK! to her wedding must have been akin to Vanessa Feltz turning her back on an all-you-can-eat buffet.
But the Swede, pregnant with her third child, claims to have turned over a new leaf and is currently to be found staring at a page as blank as her career prospects.
Ulrika and Lances low-key nuptials set a trend for the rest of the year, which involved celebrities getting married in secret.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes and Kenneth Branagh and Lindsay Brunnock all sneaked up and down the aisle before anyone noticed.
It is a worrying trend for the proprietors of the celebrity glossies, who rely on the triumph of hope over expectation to get their subjects to the altar in the first place, and then the triumph of greed over sentiment to get them to accept a big fat cheque in return for turning their wedding day into an extended photo shoot.
One couple who couldnt resist the lure of OK!s millions, despite having several of them already, was Michael Douglas and his increasingly absurd wife Catherine Zeta Jones.
They appeared in court in London this year to tell the judge how devastated they were that unauthorised pictures of the ceremony had appeared in rival publication Hello! one of which actually showed the bride eating (which is tantamount to career suicide in Hollywood).
The judge seemed to agree with everyone, coming to a decision which all parties seemed to manage to present as a victory although the big winners were of course (as always) the lawyers and the newspapers who got some great free copy.
Catherine then proceeded to make an even greater fool of herself when she told an interviewer that she didnt believe in divorce.
I find divorces repulsive, she told an Austrian magazine which must have made interesting reading for her divorced husband.
She then went on to claim that this til death us do part attitude was something to do with her South Wales genes, quoting four-times-married Richard Burton and three-times-married Sir Anthony Hopkins as examples of what she meant.
James Major, son of the former Prime Minister, got number one under his belt this year when he four-year marriage to Emma Noble came to an end.
Despite suggestions that she was having an affair with Crossroads co-star Graham McGrath, it was his unreasonable behaviour which was cited in the court proceedings.
This unreasonable behaviour seemed to involve him not being as famous as her and refusing to have sex for seven months.
No such bonking bans for the plethora of stars who either gave birth or fell pregnant this year.
In fact, 2003 was the year when if you werent in the family way, you were just in the way.
In fact, with so many toddlers around, a manger might be as good as it gets this Christmas for those who are not part of the inn crowd.’
Lamb To The Slaughter
‘WHEN you say of someone that they ”turned heads”, it is usually perceived as a compliment.
| Why’s everyone looking in the opposite direction? |
However, if you fail to specify in which direction the heads turned, it can cut both ways.
Thus, when Hello! reports that Las Vegas’ reigning diva Celine Dion turned heads at the Billboard Music Awards at the MGM Grand Arena, we’re not sure that it is not being deliberately ambiguous.
And a photo of the Canadian songstress only serves to reinforce our suspicions.
Hello! observes – again, surely, with deliberate ambiguity – that ”she stood out of the crowd in her toga-style outfit”.
Indeed she did, in much the same way that Caligula’s horse probably stood out from the crowd in the Roman senate – except in this instance, Celine is rather more ovine than equine.
But at least no-one can accuse her of being a sheep and following the flock as far as her choice of outfit was concerned.
Indeed, Hello! is struggling even to retain a veneer of politesse, describing the outfit as ”unusual”, which is not an epithet that lends itself to a positive interpretation.
The big winner on the night was Beyonce Knowles, who picked up four awards – ”a tribute to how the Destiny’s Child singer has won over the world with her talent and beauty”.
She forewent the toga for the evening in favour of a sequinned Versace gown.
The Billboard Century award for creative achievement went to our favourite tree-hugger Sting.
”If you play music with passion and love and honesty,” he told the audience as he accepted the award from Stevie Wonder (the only person in the room incidentally to congratulate Celine Dion on her choice of outfit), ”then it will nourish your soul, heal your wounds and make you life worth living.”
And there was us thinking that practising Tantric sex with a rare species of orchid in the middle of the Amazonian rain forest was the road to fulfilment.’
A Freak Show
‘IF Celine Dion can argue that she misheard ”shabby chic” and decided to turn up as mutton literally dressed as lamb, then what can we say about the freak show that is The Cheeky Girls?
| A freakish pair |
The sisters look like they have been put together by a not very competent surgeon from a random collection of spare (in both senses of the word) body parts found on an abattoir floor.
Worse, it looks like something happened to said surgeon before he could complete his project and Monica and Gabriela escaped the operating theatre before anyone could add the finishing touches.
We at Anorak do not profess to know what happened to the girls between then and the day they arrived on these shores, but we are tempted to believe reports that they tried to run off with a circus but they were chased out by Jo-Jo The Dog-Faced Boy, Anita The Living Doll and Hairy Mary From Borneo for being ”bloody freaks”.
We mention The Cheeky Girls only because Hello! has seen fit to include a picture of the two of them at the British Comedy Awards in this week’s magazine.
It also sees fit to include a picture of Jonathan Ross’s wife Jane Goldman and her freakish pair, which would certainly have turned a few heads.
And while on the subject of freakish pairs, Joan Collins and husband Percy Gibson were also there.
Why? We do not know.’
The Big C
‘IT was Ruth Picardie who started the rather gruesome trend of dying in public as she recorded her ultimately vain battle with cancer in the pages of a national newspaper.
| Nell complained that the uniform provided for her in Iraq was a bit skimpy |
Nigella Lawson’s late husband John Diamond did likewise and for a while it seemed that Fleet Street was populated exclusively by men and women furiously tapping away at their keyboards and racing to beat a deadline imposed by The Grim Reaper.
Thankfully, life expectancy among The Fourth Estate is now back to what it was before, namely time enough to finish one’s pint and smoke the rest of one’s packet of B&H.
But cancer is very much still with us and ”model and TV personality” Nell McAndrew has taken time out of her busy schedule to be beside her father Ted, who was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer three months ago.
And she invited Hello! along to catch up with father and daughter at the Wood Hall Hotel & Spa near Leeds.
There we learn that Nell and boyfriend Paul are determined that this year Ted and Nell’s mother Nancy ”will do nothing more strenuous than pull a cracker or open a box of chocolates”.
Both of which carry obvious risks themselves, although nothing compared with Nell’s recent trip to Iraq when she was almost forced to share a toilet with some squaddies.
Brrrrr! It sends shivers down our spine just thinking about it…’
Picture This
‘THE celebrity body mass index dictates that there must be no fat on the star’s frame whatsoever.
| Try out Anorak’s new ‘Scratch & Sing’ technology |
To cover the noise of bone on bone grating, the celebrity needs to wear jewellery, and lots of it.
It pretty much follows that the higher the star, the thinner the body and the more prevalent the shining rocks and thick bands of metal.
Hence Victoria Adams’ reputation for being ”bling”.
Victoria is happy to illustrate this point in this week’s OK!, posing as she does in a panoply of metal not seen since Suliman the Magnificent bestrode a horse.
This is ”Queen Victoria’s amazing new image”. Gone is the vapid Weltschmerz of La Posh and in its place is a perma-tanned, female Robert Kilroy-Silk.
And the change is set to be complete, at least in the mind of OK!
Just listen: ”Her album is sure to place her as a legitimate solo artist and cut the final ties that bind her to her Posh Spice image.”
And to prove this, OK! produces a free CD of Posh singing scales in a manner destined to wake the spirit of the great Isabella Colbran and consign Maria Callas to history’s cheap seats.
But, alas, there seems to have been a mix-up at the printers’ and, instead of an audio accompaniment, Victoria’s new image sees her pout and pose in scenes from the video to her new album.
The singing is off, so fans of the, er, singer, make do with pictures of Posh shopping in Madrid with Cat Deeley, while dressed in her ”signature outfit” of T-shirt, jacket, jeans and sandals.
Sadly, that’s as intimate as things get and we don’t hear from Posh at all. Perhaps this is because she’s resting her vocal chords for her next photograph…’
Nice Tash
‘HAVING viewed the epitome of modern-day celebrity in all its gilded talent, we now take a gander at a pretender to Posh’s throne.
| Natasha denied that her baby already had an eating disorder |
And that means an interview with Natasha Hamilton, the ultra-thin one from Atomic Kitten. Okay, the ultra-ultra thin one.
Like Posh, Tash is thin. And nothing at all like Posh, Tash has had her breasts augmented by the surgeon’s knife and some bags of yielding yet firm-to-the-touch gel.
And like Posh she has given birth to a boy. His name’s Joshua. And like Posh, she was upset about all the digs about her weight.
”They were having digs about my weight,” says Tash (do we lie?). ”It made me feel down, so I went to see a doctor.”
And he said she had post-natal depression.
This is a nasty thing to get, and Tash plays it like a trump card. ”In yer face, all you who did me down,” she seems to say. ”I’ve got a recognised medical condition.”
And she combated it, not by drugs and therapy but by a simple home-spun remedy: ”I took time out, I chilled out.”
And the weight was piled back on? Well, not exactly. Tash is now the same size as she was before she had the aforesaid Josh.
”The only difference is I haven’t got the muscle I used to have, because, since I had him, I haven’t had time to go to the gym and work my muscles back up,” explains Tash.
”I’m going to do that before the tour.”
It’s the kind of lifestyle that any mother can relate to. Any mother like the mother of all stick-thin celebrities – Posh Spice…’
Posh Nosh
‘BEHIND you! Behind you! Behind YOU!!!!!
| The face that launched a thousand products |
Too late! Just as Natasha Hamilton has finished talking about how painful it is to talk about her weight, Posh is back.
This time, she’s in the kitchen, cooking up a storm for her husband, a footballer.
Posh smiles in that way that you suppose her teeth will part and a small black tongue will poke out, wagging slightly, a droplet of saliva dripping off its tip.
Of course, Posh is not really cooking. It’s all a sham. The shots are from an advert for a Japanese cosmetic company. And OK! has seen the ad and kindly translated the script.
Day-vid: ”You’re looking tasty today, Victoria.”
Posh smiles.
Day-vid: ”Mmm, you’re looking better by the minute.”
Posh: ”What’s happening to me?”
What’s happening is that her ”dowdy outfit” of jeans and T-shirt (see her ”signature outfit” earlier in OK!) is being magically transformed into an ”extremely revealing cutaway creation”.
Day-vid smiles.
Millions of Japanese women then dash out to try and look like Posh so that they too can a) look like Posh or b) snare a millionaire, blonde footballing husband.
Make your choice…now!’
Julia Roberts: An Apology
‘WE would like to apologise to actress Julia Roberts if in the past we have in any way implied that she was responsible for the break-up of husband Danny Moders first marriage.
| An old bike |
We now recognise that Miss Roberts relationship with Mr Moder was entirely platonic right up to their wedding night, on which occasion Miss Roberts was virgo intacta.
Just as she was on her first wedding night to Lyle Lovett – and just as she would have been on any of the wedding nights she might have shared with the many men to whom she has been engaged.
We also happily acknowledge that the $150,000 Miss Roberts was rumoured to have offered Mr Moders first wife Vera was not, as stated, to try to persuade her to agree to a quick divorce but actually to pay for marriage counselling for the first Mr and Mrs Moder.
We are happy to state categorically as true that Miss Roberts and Miss Moder shared no more than a handshake and a café macchiato on the set of the film The Mexican (where they met).
We reject unconditionally any suggestion that the ink was not dry on the divorce papers of the first Mr and Mrs Moder before Miss Roberts became the second Mrs Moder.
In connection with the above, we also acknowledge as false any suggestion that Mr Moder may have used quick-drying ink on his divorce papers or that he may have employed a hair drier for the same purpose.
We are happy to accept all this because that is what Miss Roberts tells Oprah Winfrey in an interview for her magazine O.
And we count as scurrilous the comments attributed to an insider by the notoriously unreliable National Enquirer magazine to the effect that Miss Roberts is a husband-stealing vamp.’
Aniston – And On And Off
‘FRIENDS star Jennifer Aniston is said to be heartbroken after learning that her beloved dad John will soon become the victim of the serial killer who is terrorising Salem.
| ”It’s the Pitts” |
As indeed she might be. It is always hard to lose a parent to a serial killer, but it is doubly so when you know it is going to happen and there is nothing that you can do about it.
There is little you can say to comfort someone at a time like this but, on a positive note, we can offer the consolation that at least were only talking about TV soap Days Of Our Lives here.
And, this being a good daytime US soap, the producers should be able to manage to drag the plotline out for another few years yet, at the end of which its always possible that it will all have been a dream anyway.
But this, we agree, is small consolation to Jennifer, who has saved her dad from the axe once before.
Her dad being dumped is a tragedy, a source tells the Enquirer and, for once, we cannot disagree.
Jen probably hoped hed have the Days role for life. But now, he has to go job-hunting at age 66.
Or of course he could retire and eke out a miserable existence from the millions of dollars he has earned during 18 years on the show.
And, if hes ever short, were sure his daughter would always lend him a few bob to tide him through…’
The Rumer Mill
‘NOW that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow have managed to get married in secret, how do we know who else has got hitched without us knowing?
| Bruce, Demi and their kids |
The Enquirer suggests that Bruce Willis is secretly engaged to his 25-year-old girlfriend Brooke Burns, while we learn that his ex-wife Demi Moore is apparently secretly not engaged to her own toyboy Ashton Kutcher.
Willis is supposed to have given Burns a stunning three-carat diamond ring during a romantic dinner in New York, asking: What would you think about marrying an old bald man like me?
But there has been no sign of the ring in public, a fact that may be explained by the Enquirers picture of the couple on the set of Death To The Supermodels in Costa Rica where Bruce appears to be secreting something in Brookes bikini bottoms.
Like Bruce, Brooke is no stranger to the marrying game, having got her first marriage (and first divorce) safely under her belt by the age of 23.
Demi, on the other hand, is considering walking up the aisle with a marital virgin and she is apparently getting cold feet about her third go at the whole marriage game.
Demi hasnt ruled it out, a source close to the couple tells the Enquirer. Shes more in love with him every day and so are her kids.
If that is the case, we suggest that Demi rush Ashton down the aisle as soon as possible – daughter Rumer is already 15 and is much closer in age to her putative step-dad than Demi is.’
Say Cheese
‘NEIL ‘Foxy’ Fox, the rhomboid-faced panellist on TV’s Pop Idol, has done well in showbiz.
| ”We’ll give you 10 and then free the hounds” |
Having the perfect profile for radio has enabled him to, as he says early on in the piece, win all the accolades you can, live in a big house and drive a Harley Davison motorbike.
He also has a son called Jack.
Thus with all the accoutrements of a celebrity life to hand, Foxy invites us to take a look at his life and hear about the things he’s bought.
He’s got a Ferrari or two, a helicopter, a beige suit, a pair of brown brogues and a dining-room table with lots of lit candles on it.
But it’s the cheese board that really gets us excited. After all, Foxy is renowned for his lines in cheese.
The pungent ”I’ve met the girl I’m going to marry” vies for attention with the ripe and fruity ”We were both crying now” (where he asks his wife Vicky to marry him).
There are little lumps of what look like spittle but are revealed to be the delicacies of ”I’m the bloke who…”, ”My dad ”worked hard and played hard” and it’s hard ”having kids and two full-time careers”.
But not as hard as some other cheeses we could mention…’
Welch Rarebit
‘DENISE Welch and husband Tim Healy invite you to the Cinderella Starlit Marquee at the Belfry Hotel in Cheshire for a night where they will ”make dreams come true”.
| ”Going once, going twice…” |
If your dream is to mingle with some stars of Coronation Street and a couple of footballers and to be led into the inner chamber by a troupe of waiters dressed as toys, then you are in luck.
You are also in luck if you have the required money to bid for some of the lots on offer at this charity auction. There are ”items” (unspecified) signed by Robbie Williams and Pierce Brosnan, and a year’s supply of Botox.
And if your dream is to hear about Denise’s affair with a work colleague then you are again in luck.
”I’m not saying I wasn’t to blame but there is always a reason for these things,” says Denise.
So, what are we bid? That’s right! It’s high time you paid for some of these titbits. So if you want to hear about Denise’s depression or her newfound love and respect for Tim, get bidding.
So let’s have one penny… Do we have a penny..?’
A New Malthus
‘FEW who have watched Susan Hampshire in Monarch Of The Glen would argue that she is uniquely placed to talk about the problems facing the planet today.
| Susan Hampshire, just minutes before burying herself in a time capsule |
So it’s right and proper that Hello! has asked Susan to pen a short comment about life on plant Earth and her pet problem: population growth.
When she first confronted the issue ten years back and sought to make a difference to the people living in overpopulated areas, she oversaw the development of two environment time capsules, which she buried at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew and the University of Liverpool’s New Botanic Garden.
Within these two messages to the future were letters of apology for the state of the planet in 2044 and artefacts from today – ”both bad, such as a petrol cap, and good, such as packet of contraceptive pills”.
Although, that could be a ”good” Dutch petrol cap and not one of those gas-guzzling American ones.
But, the chair is with Susan…
”Like so many other I am worried about the increase in our numbers,” says she. So Susan has come up with a novel idea – everyone should murder the person to their immediate left.
This will see the population reduced by roughly half, although the cull will be most keenly felt among readers of Hello!.
Remember, every bit makes a difference…’
A Torch Carrier
‘THERE was a time when David and Victoria would barely utter a word unless it was into the tape recorder of the omnipresent OK! journalist.
| ”You look like you’ve swallowed a cockatoo” |
In those bygone days, Britains favourite celebrity magazine was very much the Beckhams in-house rag as the golden couple lived every minute of every day in the viewfinder of the OK! photographer.
But fame and friendship are fickle things and it is with great sadness that these days we see OK! on the other side of the rope line and relegated to the same status as all the other papers and magazines.
Even more tragic is the fact that OK! clearly still holds a torch for the couple that used it as they climbed up the celebrity ranks and then spurned it.
Like the childhood sweetheart who is cruelly dumped as soon as their lover make those first steps on the road to fame and fortune, OK! is left to watch and wonder what might have been.
Where once the Beckhams would have happily granted OK! exclusive access into Buckingham Palace to see David get presented with an OBE by the Queen, now they prefer to do their talking on Parkinson.
And with a tub of chocolate ice-cream on its lap and a packet of 20 Marlboro Lights by its side, OK! tunes in to listen to Victoria tell Parky how much she loves her husband and her two sons.
What about more children, asks the veteran interviewer (who, as we know, modelled his interrogatory technique on OK!).
Id love to, says Victoria. We have a fabulous long dining room table at home and we want to fill it.
Of course, they could just buy a smaller table…’
Two Out Of Three
‘WHAT did Meatloaf say? Two out of three ain’t bad.
| Jade didn’t know about the underwater cameras in the Maldives |
So when OK! announces that it has got pictures of Jade Goody’s ”hot new body”, we shouldn’t be disappointed to discover that it looks very like her old body.
But a body it most certainly is and, as it to be seen relaxing on the beach in the Maldives, we are not surprised to hear that it’s hot.
In fact, so hot is it that a bikini-clad Jade is to be seen cooling off by splashing around in the crystal clear waters of the Indian Ocean.
And even a close call with the Japanese whaling fleet could not detract from Jade’s enjoyment, as boyfriend Jeff Brazier explained Jade’s secret.
”She’s been getting up at 7.30 most mornings to go down the gym,” he says. ”When you have an attitude like that, it’s obvious you’re going to end up looking as well as Jade.”
Particularly when the gym doesn’t open until 9 o’clock and the only thing open at that time is the greasy spoon next door.’
