Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Shane On You!
‘IT is nice to have the chance this week to get to know our fellow Hot Stars readers a bit better, courtesy of the magazine’s 2003 poll.
| ”They call me Mr Sex” |
And what a confused, mixed-up, Will Young-loving bunch we are!
Victoria Beckham comes fifth in the poll to find the sexiest woman and is named the third best dressed celebrity, but also makes it into the Top 10 most irritating celebs and is the seventh biggest minger of the year.
Jade Goody wins plaudits for the best image revamp of the year, but is only fourth behind Jodie Marsh, Jordan and Gareth Gates in the running for most irritating celeb and is the fifth biggest minger.
Will Young is the fifth best dressed celebrity and the seventh worst dressed – another category in which Jordan and Jodie record a one-two clean sweep.
Will also gets the vote for best solo artist, best album and best music video, while being pipped to the sexiest man title by David Beckham.
But the big favourite among us Hot Stars readers is not Becks nor Kylie (despite being voted sexiest female and best-dressed celeb), but Shane Richie.
Not only does Shane somehow scrape into fifth place in the sexiest male category, but he is named best TV character, one half of the hottest screen couple, is part of the best TV programme and was involved in the best storyline of the year.
Shane Richie! What is wrong with you people? Next you’ll admit that it was you who voted Jessie Wallace sexiest woman in soaps in each of the last four years.’
Blowing Hot And Cold
‘WHAT would Monica Lewinsky have been had Bill Clinton not dropped a paperclip under his office desk six years ago?
| ”I also take dictation” |
Its an interesting question, leading to a drawer full of maybes and what ifs.
While we wonder if Monica would have become famous, thin or perhaps even blonde without Bills intervention, she asks herself the same question.
And the answer she finds is that without Bill she would have fulfilled her dream of starting a family while she was still young, rather than nearly breaking one up.
Now aged 30, Monica even claims that she has difficulty getting dates.
If I were a guy and I heard all this about a girl, she tells GQ magazine, with the Enquirers ears flapping like Linda Tripp hanging on a cross line, I dont know that Id want to take her out.
No, youd want to take her to work and drop paperclips under your desk.
I was one of those girls who hoped to be married by 24 and popping out kids by 26.
But it was not to be. And now Monica is single and living, as the Enquirer puts it, the life of just another career girl searching for romance.
And for paperclips under the desk.’
Caught In The Web
‘ITS a little know fact that the Anorak sex scandal tapes doing the rounds on the less homely expanses of the Internet are fakes.
| Knickers to Paris |
We would never do those things, being, as we are, animal lovers in the purest sense and gripped by a morbid fear of heights.
The tapes of others we cannot vouch for – although the way Paris Hilton was flashing her knickers around at Naomi Campbells birthday party in the south of France earlier in the year suggests hers might be the real deal.
For those of you who have not seen the Hilton tape, rest assured that the bit where she… oh, lets not spoil it.
You watch it for yourself when it comes on pay-per-view at one of her familys eponymous hotels, perhaps.
But by way of a teaser to that main event, you might like to feast your eyes on the work of former Playboy playmate, Gena Lee Nolin.
The Enquirer is not shy about telling anyone who will listen that the video made by her former husband, Greg Fahlman, shows Gena posing on a tan shag carpet.
She then removes her top, her knickers and edges towards her husband who… well, hes too busy watching the tape that alleges to be of us and an Anthea Turner look-a-like.
But dont believe any of it. Its all lies, we tell you – horrible, vicious lies…’
All That Glitters
‘HAVING apparently seen our worst side and the backsides of Paris Hilton and Gena Lee Nolin on sordid tapes, its time to see that in this world of filth there is beauty.
| ”It can also be worn as a belt” |
We talk not once more of Monica Lewinsky but of the $100,000 diamond and sapphire necklace stretched around Calista Flockharts neck.
Sadly, the wonderful piece of jewellery, which is usually sold as a bracelet, is not on display. However, the Enquirer assures us that it is very lovely and stands as a love token between Calista and her paramour, Harrison Ford.
By way of a stand in, we do get to see a nice shot of Harissons former wife, Melissa Mathison, wearing a necklace of her own – and one that, rather oddly, appears to be made of paperclips…’
A Ruck-Up
‘JASON Leonard is by no means the only England rugby player eager to convert their newly found celebrity into cold hard cash (or at least a perfumed cheque from Hello!).
| David Beckham kicks a try |
Unfortunately, what Hello! knows about rugby could be written in the time Jonny Wilkinson is not on the practice pitch.
For instance, its picture of ”Jonny’s winning drop goal” differs from the dozens of other images of what is already an iconic moment in a couple of important respects.
In the background, for instance, who do we see standing there but England captain Martin Johnson, who if memory serves was at the bottom of a ruck at the time.
And the England fly-half seems to have decided to drop this particular winning goal with his left boot, whereas most publications tend to favour the right boot.
But who cares about such details when Hello! can drop in on Josh Lewsey and his teacher girlfriend Tamsyn in their house in south London, can have a chat with Matt Dawson and his girlfriend Joanne (a Miss UK runner-up five years ago) and can have a cup of tea with Neil Back and wife Alison?
Like so many others, Hello! is now a convert to the game. It has bought its Barbour, invested in a hip flask and is off to, er, Lord’s to cheer on the boys.’
Scent Packing
‘AT first glance, you would probably say that Celine Dion and Jason Leonard had little in common.
| We know exactly how you feel, Celine |
The Canadian warbler certainly has not packed down in a record 113 Tests for her country, while the English prop is still waiting for his invitation to sing at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas.
After years of scrummaging against the world’s best front-row forwards, Jason’s ears have taken on the appearance of a cauliflower, while Celine’s nose has a more rhubarbesque quality.
But similarities they do have, as we soon notice when we meet them both in the pages of this week’s Hello! Can you, for instance, tell the two apart from the following offerings?
”The biggest gift you can give yourself is to have a child,” says Interviewee A. ”We love our son so much it often seems as if it’s impossible to love any more.”
”The caps record and winning the World Cup are very nice,” says Interviewee B, ”but they pale into insignificance compared with the arrival of my child.”
Uncanny, isn’t it? We will tell you at the end from whose mouth each quote derived, but before that we should draw your attention to the fact that Celine has just launched her own signature scent.
”I never thought my nose would be good for anything else but breathing and singing [and as a perch for a small family of blue tits],” she says, ”but it has been wonderful to learn that, just like a song, a perfume is comprised of notes which form their own melody.
”For the past 22 years, I’ve been trying to reach people through my music and now I want to go a bit further. I want to touch their souls.”
Unkinder critics than us might suggest that the real purpose behind Celine’s new scent is so that even deaf people have a reason to dislike her.
But we like to think we are above such barbs, even after having been forced to listen to My Heart Will Go On for the 1,033rd time.
Instead, we turn back to Jason and ask how long it will be before the world’s most capped rugby player launches his own fragrance.
We are sure that it will be wonderful for him to learn that, just like a rugby scrum, a perfume is comprised of many different elements all pushing in the same direction.
And like a rugby scrum, Jason’s signature scent will have an aroma of mud, sweat and blood.’
Turn Again, Jinny
‘WITH our nostrils still full of Ruck ‘n’ Maul, the new fragrance from Jason Leonard, we head north to Castle Forbes, home of Malcolm Forbes, his wife Jinny and one of the world’s smallest perfumeries.
| Never Mind The Essential Oils |
But we find Hello! has got there before us, eager to find out more about the Castle Forbes Collection of fragrances for men and women.
We have a whiff of Highland Blend, a scent that ”evokes the arrival of spring with the smell of bluebells, daffodils and narcissus”.
We bathe in Castle Harvest, a scent that ”brings up memories of ripened fruits and berries and home cooking”.
And we have a good swig of the seasonal Christmas At The Castle, which ”fills the senses with cinnamon and orange, Christmas pudding and mulled wine”.
Not to mention the terrible hangover it has waiting for us the next day.
And then we discover how Jinny, who can trace her own ancestry to Dick Whittington, uses only the finest essential oils when making her perfumes.
And how Malcolm is the Master Of Forbes, a clan that can trace its origins to 1445 when, legend has it, O’Connacher was given the name Forbshasach – man of courage – for saving his friend King Conan’s life.
And that tartan may have looked all right on the Sex Pistols, but Malcolm Forbes is no Johnny Rotten.’
The Tin Lid
‘TODAY OK! dusts off its trumpet, puckers its collagenenhanced lips and prepares to do as Marilyn Monroe once instructed and just blow.
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| Where will they be in ten years from now? |
Its been something of a journey from the first days of OK! when Joan Collins graced the cover of Issue 1 of the weekly edition (from 1993-96 the magazine was monthly) to talk about her courtroom hell.
Back in 1996, we thrilled to Princess Di, James Hewitt And Me, and wondered if perhaps a thoroughbred pony would add its weight to that menage of flesh.
And we listened attentively while Bob Hoskins talked of fatherhood, Meryl Streep of motherhood, and Mike Reid, then of EastEnders, took us on a tour of his home.
No wonder editor Nic Mc Carthy (as written) sits proudly upright to tells us how happy she and her magazine are and looks forward to another 10 years.
But we cannot be more pleased for them.
Heres to another ten years of Ulrikas men, Jackos noses, Catherine and Michaels photos, Poshs career relaunches, Sarah Fergusons weight problems and the many failed marriages and delicious lunches enjoyed by the good, the bad and, thanks to surgery, the not-quite-as-ugly-as-they-once-were.’
Day Dreaming
‘WHEN OK! started, Jennifer Lopez was just a girl with a big bottom and a dream in her heart.
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| ‘When I say stop, stop clapping’ |
Today, the bums still there and the dream has become so much diamond, taffeta and Ben Affleck. But what next?
Will there be children? I dont know, says she. But what about that diva thing? The diva thing is the thing that has been attached to me that I think is the most untrue.
So youre not a diva? I think people like to create this kind of persona, an image thing around you because its entertaining.
The real Jennifer, J-Lo, Jenny From The Block, Her Highness, is far removed from the image, says she. People who work with her and meet her know the real girl.
The rest of us have to put up with what we are told. For instance, Jennifer tells us: Right now I think to myself, I havent sat down in front of a beach…and reached up like I could touch the sky.
You know I used to do things like that, you know, kind of pontificate on the world, and do like crazy artist things like that.
Crazy ways. Crazy girl. Or not.’
Semi-Precious Stars
‘IF OK! is responsible for anything it is the elevation of reality TV performers into bona fide celebrities.
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| Jade was delighted to see her kebab was on its way |
Before OK! came about, the gamut of celebrity ran from A to C; now, ten years on, the list stretches to Z and is set to go further when OK! introduces us to the longer Cyrillic alphabet.
But before we march further into the mire, lets take a look at todays reality TV celeb and spend a few minutes with Jade Goody, Jeff Brazier and their little boy, Bobby.
The couple are not married, but they plan to be. Marriage is a big commitment, says Jade. People say that marriage is just a piece of paper, but I believe its more than that.
We too believe it: marriage is a ring, a party and the chance to sell the photographs to OK!
Another big thing is Bobbys christening. Jade and Jeff plan to have their son dunked in a font because it is important. After all, its a chance to see Bobby in a nice outfit and to have some shots of the event published in OK!
Its clear that life is very normal for this celebrity couple. Just because weve been on TV doesnt mean were not normal, says Jade.
And therein lies the rub. It is this having been on TV and in OK! with their little baybee that makes them normal.
Ten years on from when OK! started, the abnormal, the freaks, are the 20odd souls who havent had such an expose.’
We’ll Always Have Paris
‘LETS deal with the quality issue first is Paris Hiltons sex tape hotter than Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lees honeymoon video?
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| Last Man Goo In Paris star meets her fans |
The jury is still out, according to the National Enquirer (which takes a keen and very professional – interest in these things).
Pammy and then husband Tommy Lee were, it reminds us, the hottest couple on the planet when their home video became public in 1997.
The snippets of the sex acts between the Baywatch babe and the Motley Crue drummer quickly became the best-selling adult film of all time.
But thats all yesterdays news, the magazine says, now that hotel heiress Paris, 22, bares all in her version of sex, sighs and videotape.
While Pam languishes at No.8 on Internet search engine Lycoss Top 50 search terms, Paris is the undisputed No.1.
[At the time of writing, Pam had actually overtaken NFL and The Matrix to seize the No.5 spot and was closing in fast on Britney Spears and Christmas.]
Naturally, the Enquirer hasnt seen the tape, basing its reports on the content purely on details gleaned from insiders who have seen it.
Besides a number of acts normally performed between consenting adults, including oral sex, it says, there are a number of amazing moments on the red hot vid.
These amazing moments include a phone ringing and, er, thats about it.
But if there is debate about the quality of the respective performances, what about the quantity of the leading ladies output?
As well as her honeymoon video with Tommy Lee, Pam also performed in an intimate sex video with rocker Brett Michaels.
However, the Enquirer claims that if the whispers are true, the Hilton sex tape could have more sequels than Star Wars.
Technically, of course, that is only two but a friend of Pariss co-star Rick Salomon claims that there is a whole catalogue of tapes featuring the couple, while there are reports of an all-girl tape starring Paris, Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz and a passel of sex toys.
If you ever wondered what the collective name for sex toys was, you now know.’
Ben There, Done That
‘WHILE Paris reigns supreme at the top of The Lycos 50, Jennifer Lopez is currently languishing in 29th place, fully 25 rungs in fames ladder beneath Britney Spears.
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| ‘Stop looking at my ass!’ |
But it is not their respective positions in the hearts of teenaged boys with an overdeveloped wrist from hours of, er, Internet surfing that has angered J-Lo this week, but Britneys remarks about her Ben.
Britneys heinous crime was to confess recently on a US TV news show that she thought Ben Affleck was cute.
Not such a controversial remark you may have thought. After all, she didnt say that she thought he was a good actor or even that Gigli was anything other than a terrible movie.
But, ever quick to stir up trouble, the Enquirer suggests that it now knows who our Brit is thinking about when she sings her new song, Touch Of My Hand.
That may be an image to cause thousands of teenaged boys to reach for the Kleenex, but it is not one that gives Ms Lopez any pleasure.
How dare she! Jen apparently raged to a friend shortly after the interview was aired.
And the friend reports that the 33-year-old diva was very upset and crying.
She just kept saying, How dare she! On national television. Wheres her respect? She knows Bens with me?
But is Ben with Jen? The Enquirer says the couple have been bickering for months over the question of marriage and Ben is suffering from an extended case of cold feet.
And neighbours reported seeing truckloads of J-Los clothes being transported from Bens Georgia estate to her 11-bedroom mansion in Miami.
However, seasoned J-Lo observers reckon that with only three 40-ton trucks in action, she was probably just nipping home for the weekend.’
Poles Apart
‘FOR those who can afford medical insurance, the American health system is light years ahead of its British counterpart.
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| Britain’s very own George Clooney poses with bedpan enthusiasts Betty and Hilda |
One need only look at the respective casts of ER and Casualty to understand that.
But confirmation, if confirmation were needed, comes in this weeks National Enquirer, which reports on the quality of after-care hospitals.
Christian Slater Goes From Hospital To Vegas Strip Club, reports the magazine, claiming that the actor was ordering booze and ogling dancers just minutes after receiving nine stitches in an ear wound.
It is the kind of service that NHS patients can only dream about, although as anyone who has spent time in casualty on a Friday night will attest, the pre-care entertainment in Britain is still hard to rival.’
Crowe’s Nest
‘DO you know what Russell Crowes greatest adventure is? Go on, have a guess.
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| ‘Can I read my poem now?’ |
Russell might not like what you say and beat you to within an inch of your life, but thats just his muse getting the better of him. Nothing personal.
Still dont fancy it, eh? Ok, well tell you. Russell Crowes greatest adventure is not battling the waves on his new movie, Master And Commander, but embarking on the path to fatherhood.
As great adventures go, its not exactly up there with Sir Ranulph Fiennes seven-marathon challenge and the journey to the bottom of the sea, but it is impressive. We mean that, Russell, we really, really do.
So whens the big day, Russ? Fourteenth of January. Im going to be there for the birth, but no videos Dani doesnt want any.
And neither do the keepers of the Bafta flame, mate. Especially if they overlook your work and give the award for Best Birth Movie to Jade Goody or James Herriott.
If only Russell had kept the building that became their wedding chapel as a feed store, the video would have been a sure-fire Christmas hit.’
Modest Ambition
‘SOMEONE else who could be having a Christmas turkey one day is Andy Scott-Lee.
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| Andy Scott-Lee – where is he now? |
For those who don’t know, Andy is the brother of Lisa Scott-Lee and the boyfriend of Liberty X’s Michelle Heaton.
It’s the kind of family tree that should guarantee Andy at least five minutes of fame. And today he gets four of them as he tells the world about being booted off the Pop Idol TV show.
‘I went into Pop Idol to prove that I had talent and I think I managed to do that,’ says he.
‘People can attack me because of 3SL [the largely unheard of band of which he was once a member], Lisa or Michelle, but what I proved by getting as far as I did is that I can sing.’
And sing he can. But so can Bernard Manning and Vanessa Feltz. The trick is not just to sing but to sing well, and well enough to win the TV talent show. At that, Andy failed.
The good news, however, is that Andy is ‘far from being starry and arrogant. Andy is down to earth and displays a refreshing modesty’.
Of course, it helps that he has so much to be modest about.
There’s his modest talent, his modest ability to carry a tune, his modest looks, his modest physique and his modest ambitions.
‘Okay, so I’m out of the show – but just look at what happened to Liberty X,’ says Andy. ‘Could I have better inspiration?’
Probably not.’
Debs Do Paris
‘WITH the Paris Haute Couture Crillon Ball just moments away, Hello! takes a look at ‘seven of the world’s luckiest young women’ who will walk out that night.
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| ‘Style, Costanza. You’ve either got it or you haven’t!’ |
Costanza della Gherardesca is looking nice and plump for her big day. As the daughter of Count Gaddo della Gherardesca, close friend of the Duchess of York, she’s privy to some top designer tips.
And while Fergie trusses Costanza up like a meringue, Dree Crisman-Hemingway, 16-year-old granddaughter of Ernest Hemingway, practises some yoga moves with mum, Muriel.
Muriel says that Dree is an extraordinary girl, who is ‘obviously beautiful physically but her spirit is golden’. And that from a mother who really knows her daughter.
As such it is no surprise that Dree wants to model and act. And, very possibly, marry someone rich and, perhaps, do some charity work with lions and little black children.
The rest, in no special order, are ginger-haired Lara Hughes-Jones (who wants to model), ‘willowy’ Chloe Delevingne (who wants to model), Alexis Saperstein, (who surely wants to change her name), Caroline Von Thurn und Taxis (who wants to drive a black cab in Hull) and Anastasia Tolstoy (who wants to ride in the back of Caroline’s cab).
The winner of this tournament will be invited to wrestle in mud for the right to date Prince Harry. The runners-up will appear in future episodes of Hollyoaks.’
Lips Stick
”’ELLE boude comme une truite.” ”Ha una faccia come un pesce.” ”Mein Gott! Ihre Lippen schauen, wie sie durch einen vollständigen Swarm der Bienen gestochen worden waren.”
| ”I’ve got to go to a court herring” |
Eager as ever to help, we at Anorak have quickly compiled our very own Leslie Ash phrase book to help the actress interpret the comments of the locals now she has decided to quit England to escape her ”trout pout hell”.
Unfortunately, in the accompanying interview, she fails to reveal which country she is planning to remove herself to, thus making our job that much harder.
However, we like to think that we can help Leslie prepare for any eventuality wherever she goes.
For instance, if it is to France, then when she overhears a local inhabitant commenting, ”Elle boude comme une truite”, she should know that all they are saying is ”She pouts like a trout”.
If to Italy, she should rest assured that ”Ha una faccia come un pesce” is just that common Tuscan term of endearment, ”She has a fish-face”.
And if it is to Germany she goes, she will at least know what the vernacular is for ”My God! It looks like her lips have been stung by a whole swarm of bees”.
We hope all this will stand her in good stead when she gets out of ”this Godforsaken place”.
”I love England, but London’s becoming not a very nice place to live,” she says. ”I don’t like the attitude. English people have never been very good at patting people on the back.
”It became a competition of who could say the funniest thing about Leslie Ash.”
And it’s a competition whose closing date has just been extended (indefinitely) – so send entries to the usual address.
Winners will receive a tub of collagen, a bicycle pump and a picture of a haddock.’
Taking The Pee Out Of Lisa Scott Lee
”’PEOPLE who make money from taking the pee out of people should be shot,” says Leslie Ash – a sentiment with which we heartily concur.
| ”I bet you can’t guess what colour my knickers are” |
But what does OK! make of this suggestion, given that its Hot Stars magazine exists precisely for that purpose.
For instance, this week it follows the progress of a stubborn spot on Sadie Frost’s chin over a fortnight in which it refused to go away.
It has a celebrity gurning competition, catching various stars off guard and publishing a gallery of the resultant facial contortions.
And it gives a very definite thumbs-down to the fashion choices of Stella McCartney, Britney Spears, Dannii Minogue and Lisa Scott-Lee.
All of which could perhaps be construed as making money by taking the pee out of people…if, of course, Hot Stars didn’t come free with OK! every week.’
Great Dane
‘WHEN OK! asks Dane from D-Side whether he has any celebrity friends, it is rather like asking Leslie Ash if she’s got big lips.
| D-Side and their aptly named album |
Of course, Dane’s got celebrity friends.
”Liberty X headlines the first tour we were on and we’ve been on a few good nights out,” he says. ”We also know Jessica Garlick and Ray off Big Brother.
”We’ve done gigs with Blue, too, and we got on well.”
Dane has also snogged Jodie Marsh in a club – ”she’s not how everyone thinks; she’s really intelligent and has a good heart” – and had a nice chat with Tina O’Brien, although they didn’t kiss.
He’s also met Gareth Gates, although Gareth didn’t talk to him.
However, such a wealth of celebrity contacts does beg one question – who the hell is Dane from D-Side?’
Locket Or Lose It
‘IF Day-vid Beckham really wants to woo Posh once more, he could do far worse than buying her The Claddagh Gold Locket.
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| ‘Two lockets and a pint of chicken’s blood please, mate’ |
This trinket, as the Enquirer explains, stands for friendship, loyalty and eternal love. On the back it says: ‘THE UNBROKEN RHTYHM OF ETERNAL LOVE, THE SACRED THREAD OF LIFE.’
Beautiful sentiments befitting a beautiful piece of ‘luxurious’ nine-carat gold.
But sometimes love needs more than mere words and glitter. Sometimes, as Nicolas Cage has discovered, it needs the sacrifice of a chicken.
The Enquirer says that he is hoping to save his strained marriage to Lisa Marie Presley by seeking advice from voodoo priestess Miriam Chamani.
‘Nic and Lisa have a desire to make it work,’ says Miriam. ‘Lisa Marie has problems expressing herself and is shy, so Nic needs to be more supportive and work on bringing her out and sharing more.’
Which surely means another order for his and hers Claddagh Gold Lockets. They say so much more than you can with mere chicken’s blood.’
Mummy Knows Best
‘THE Claddagh Gold Locket might be a timeless token of love, but flesh and bones age even faster than all but the finest nine-carat gold.
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| Demi Moore – The Prototype |
Demi Moore tried to rewind the clock with a surgeon’s blade. But now it’s boyfriend Ashton Kutcher’s turn to put his life on hold.
Apparently, Demi has stopped plans for the couple’s $1m Las Vegas wedding.
The reason seems to be that she will only marry if she knows her children are truly happy with the match.
And she wants to make sure that he’s not rushing into anything he might later regret.
And Dr Susan Newman, author of Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Child Feel Special Every Day, agrees.
‘To race into a marriage that might mot work in the long run could really devastate her children,’ say she.
And by children, that probably goes for Ashton too…’
Slap Dash
”BECKS BLOWS UP! – Over Posh’s American hunk,’ screams the headline in this week’s National Enquirer.
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| The remodelled Becks was okay, but something had clearly gone wrong with Posh |
And therein lies the stuff of fantasies. Of course, the headline is not literally true, and considerable liberties have been taken.
For one thing, David Beckham has not exploded, because if he had have done he’d have surely unleashed a torrential downpour of diamonds, painted flesh and knicker elastic on the world.
Right now, fans would be scurrying around the streets of Madrid picking up bits of Becks and trying to reform him as if making some macabre jigsaw.
But while that is indeed fanciful, surely the second part of the story linking Posh with another man is plain ridiculous.
If one thing is irrefutable about Posh, it is that she exists as some kind of irritating parasite on the back of her husband. She is the tick on the back of Becks’ Red Rum.
Could any other man support her in the style to which she has become accustomed? Other than Peter Stringfellow, we think not.
But the Enquirer is under the impression that music maestro Damon Dash has possibly got too close to Posh.
‘What really annoys David,’ says an unnamed source, ‘is that Victoria seems to be taking more notice of what Dash says than what he says.’
To those who have heard Becks speak, this comes as little surprise.
However, another of the couple’s unnamed pals explains further: ‘Victoria wants to be a star so badly that she overlooks his career – he’s in torment. It’s terribly sad.’
Sad indeed. But not without hope, as Posh and Dash have decided to include Dave’s voice in their lives by featuring one of his ‘desperate’ long-distance phone messages on her new album.
‘Hello,’ says Dave. ‘It’s me…Day-vid. I’ve run out of clean knickers…”
Going Down Under
‘AS if Australia didn’t have enough excitement at the moment what with the international Pommy-bashing spectacular that is the Rugby World Cup, they have just had a visit from the Hilton sisters.
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| ‘You’ve got something on your lip, Paris’ |
Yes, that’s not just one sister but – wait for it – both of them, as ‘unstoppable’ society girls Paris and Nicky paid their first ever visit Down Under.
[Many of you who have seen Paris in action with Shannen Doherty’s estranged husband Richard Salomon might dispute whether this was in fact Paris’s first trip Down Under, but that is another story altogether.]
And Hello! was there to witness it as ‘they more than lived up to their reputation for being party lovers, thoroughly enjoying nearly every minute of their visit’.
Indeed, the only sour point of the trip was ‘when they ran slap bang into the no-nonsense Australian sense of humour’ on a TV talk show.
The girls, heirs to the $300m Hilton fortune, were apparently left baffled and slightly defensive when asked by hosts HG and Roy: ‘Ever thought of getting a job?’
How unfair! As Hello! will testify, Paris is an actress (and she has the video to prove it) and Nicky is a handbag designer (and carries a handbag to prove it).
And they are also both very keen nature enthusiasts, visiting the Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary in Queensland during their stay and getting to know some of the 1,400 species of native animals living in the park.
‘Paris made friends with a wallaby and both sisters looked completely smitten as they patted a koala bear, held by one of the park rangers’ Hello! reports.
As Nicky tried to work out how many handbags she could get out of each koala, Paris was getting to grips with another dumb hairy animal – the Australian male.
In fact, says Hello!, it was rumoured that she tried to repay her hosts’ hospitality by introducing Australian Idol also-ran Rob Mills to a North American mammal – her beaver.’
Taking A Back Seat
‘OVER the years, Australia has exported such cultural gems as Rolf Harris, Men At Work, Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, Neighbours and Jono Coleman.
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| Kylie’s buttocks in happier days |
But even they pale into insignificance next to the two perfectly-formed buttocks that are Kylie Minogue.
And to celebrate becoming Britain’s most enduring pop star (with No.1 singles almost 16 years apart), the twin cheeks give an exclusive interview to Hello!
And in it we learn that they are – literally – to take a back seat in future as Kylie opts of Brigitte Bardot-style mystique.
‘We realised that the flesh thing is everywhere now and I think it’s important to differentiate,’ they explained, adding that they wanted to keep something back for boyfriend Olivier Martinez.
However, maybe there is another reason for Kylie’s bottom to retire at the pinnacle of its career.
Her new album Body Language shows her, she says, as ‘more woman, more curves, less angular’ – a fact that might owe something to her new-found indulgence in chocolate croissants for breakfast.
Add to that her confession that ‘learning to say ‘no’ has been very difficult’ and we can be forgiven for deducing that the famous buttocks are carrying a little more padding than before.’
An Ordinary Jo
‘WE trust you have all cast your votes for the first semi-final of Hello!’s coveted elegant woman of the year title.
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| Joanna had to take the news lying down |
If not, you only have until 9pm on Monday November 24 to do so and have your say on which five of the 16 women shortlisted will go through to the grand final.
Here at Anorak, we have stared long and hard into our crystal ball and make the following predictions:
Victoria Beckham will top the list, with Catherine Zeta Jones, Nicole Kidman, Cameron Diaz and Queen Rania of Jordan taking the final four places ahead of Elle ‘The Body’ Macpherson.
Among those who miss out will be Salma Hayek, Kate Hudson, Charlize Theron, Heidi Klum and Rachel Weisz, but at least they can content themselves with the knowledge that they made the last 16.
That is more than can be said for Mary ‘Has she not elegance?’ Archer and for another of Hello!’s guests this week – Joanna Taylor.
An irregularity in the nomination procedure means that the Merseybeat actress and future Mrs Danny Murphy is not on the voting slip for either heat.
It is, we think you will all agree, something of a travesty, but it is one the 25-year-old actress bears with all the fortitude of a graduate of the school of hard knocks.
For instance, regular readers will recall that Joanna was once celebrity columnist for OK!’s Hot Stars magazine, a role now amply filed by the busty shape of Kerry Katona.
That was until one week she went on holiday, never to return.
At the time, we thought that the emotional strain of sharing her forthright opinions with us had just got too much for Joanna.
But seeing her posing for an exclusive photo shoot in the pages of OK!’s bitter rival prompts us to ask whether there is more to her departure than meets the eye.
In short, we pose the question that Fleet Street has not dared ask: ‘Did Joanna jump or was she pushed?’
