Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
A Lawler Unto Herself
‘ANDY Roddick, the American tennis player, is amped.
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| ‘Wicked’ |
Thats a new word for us here at Anorak Towers, and we now add it to the 55 or so different words we already use every day.
But you must not feel ashamed and embarrassed by your relatively small vocabulary. We are professionals. And to feel better, you can always cock an ear to Kate Lawler.
Kate has only two words in her entire vocabulary. But that hasnt stopped her from becoming a presenter on TV and dating footballer, Jonathan Woodgate. It might have even helped.
As such, wed be unsurprised to find that when OK! met with Kate theyd find her in a wicked mood. Shes moving into a new flat and that is just wicked.
But not everything is wicked with Kate all the time. Just as life can be wicked, it can also be bad. And so we learn that Kate is gutted to be leaving her old flat, the one she shared with her friend, Jo.
But she must not worry herself. Things are set to improve, not least of all to her language. And today we can introduce a new word into Lawlers Lexicon.
News is that the morning show she fronts, the awful RI:SE, is to be dumped on the programming scrapheap.
And so the new word for Kate to ingest over her morning orange juice and toast is unemployed.
Its a wicked word, and one that is sure to leave Kate gutted. Why, its as if it was especially coined to suit and describe her particular talents…’
Driving Ambition
‘PEOPLE like Kate Lawyer and Claire Sweeney are the type of performers to whom other girls can gaze up and say: If they can do it, so can I.
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| The nineteenth hole |
Having mastered the language of celebrity in module one, we now turn to module two and see what other attributes the modern professional showbiz woman needs to get by.
And, yes, youve guessed it – its golf.
Move over, Tarby and Forsyth, and make way for a new face on the pro-celebrity golf circuit. Its Claire Sweeney and shes getting into the swing of the game.
Thats a great pun, and one you too can use when you tee off for your next round with the stars of light entertainment.
Claire would do well to forget about the jokes for now and concentrate on her swing which, if the photograph is any guide, is less in need of a fine tune than a new aerial and satellite.
But Claire is nothing if not a tryer. Or she was until golf came her way.
I did have a go [at golf] says Claire, but I dont think I have the patience to play I always want to be good at things straight away.
So its on to module three for Claire, and posing in a bikini with a nice tan. Brilliant.’
Pudsey Bares All
‘THOSE sticking with our FAME FAST correspondence course now reach the hard bit.
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| Help support Celebrities In Need |
We know that you will only do nudity if the part absolutely demands it, but this is the celebrity hunt and it does.
Perhaps while youre reading this, you might like to be naked. It will get you into the part and make you feel at ease.
Better if you can get into a bath and, in so doing, empathise with the fine work of Coronation Streets Suranne Jones.
Suranne has moved on from showing off her knickers (see all other weeks) and is now fully starkers.
Were it not for the bubbles cascading round her shoulders, youd be able to see that celebrities are just like the rest of us.
The difference is that whereas you get in the bath to further your career, Suranne gets into the tub naked for charity.
Its Children In Need, and to highlight the plight of needy children Suranne is taking a bath in some Pudsey soap. Pudsey is the bear mascot of the annual telethon.
But dont be alarmed if you dont have a soap dispenser in the shape of a stuffed teddy with one good eye, since you can produce a similar effect with a squirt of washing up liquid and a lusty fart.
Next week, module four: Developing An Acceptable Regional Accent Scouse, Cockney or Scots.’
Not A Leg To Stand On
‘WE’RE not sure just how many pairs of legs Michael Jackson bought when he underwent his total face and body reconstruction a few years ago, but it looks as if he’s running low.
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| The hinge had gone in Demi’s left leg |
In fact, the National Enquirer thinks the situation might be even more critical than that, asking: ‘Is Jacko On His Last Legs?’
If he is, we hope they are a better pair than the ones Demi Moore had fitted as part of her $400,000 refit.
The Enquirer says the 40-year-old ‘keeps her girlish figure tight through a strict regimen of diet and exercise – not to mention a small fortune’s worth of cosmetic surgery’.
But it appears that something is amiss with her right leg, more specifically her ‘saggy-skinned’ right knee, which seems to have developed a bit of a flap.
Unfortunately, it appears that the problem has developed just days after the one-year warranty on Demi’s new body expired, meaning that she is looking at another large bill to get a new knee fitted.
Cosmetic surgery experts say that a good panel beater could probably knock the knee into shape as a temporary measure, but she would be better off getting a whole new leg.
Alternatively, she could wait until Wacko Jacko pegs it – which might not be too long now – and steal his.
According to the Enquirer, medical experts who have examined pictures of the King Of Pop say his appearance ‘could even exhibit signs of a terminal disease’.
But his spokesman dismissed the suggestion out of hand.
‘He’s in great health and doing better than ever,’ says Stuart Backerman. ‘He’s happy, content and looking forward to moving on with his life.’
All he need is someone to remind him where he left his legs.’
Sex Please, I’m Britney
‘BRITNEY Spears may have come across all coy when asked what her new single Touch Of My Hand is about, but she is, in the eyes of the Enquirer, ‘sex-crazed’ and ‘out of control’.
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| Britney was just very bad at strip poker |
The evidence for this comes from a fellow reveller at one of Manhattan’s hottest clubs, Splash, where she was seen ‘partying wildly and looking totally out of control’.
One is indeed surprised to hear that Britney wasn’t sitting in a corner and nursing a Pepsi, as we are sure all the other clubbers were.
But not nearly as surprised as the same reveller was when ‘at one point, she did a striptease, pulling off her top to show a pink bra that barely covered anything’.
In fact, he was shocked to discover that the only things the bra covered were Britney’s breasts.
However, to add grist to the Enquirer’s mill, Britney appeared on the front cover of Rolling Stone magazine without even a pink bra on.
Admittedly, her chest was covered up by a sheet but if you were to combine that photo with the cover of Esquire, on which Britney appears without any bottoms, she could be said to be totally naked.
Throw in the kiss with Madonna, a picture of Britney dancing ‘splay-legged’ and the fact that the 21-year-old has been house-hunting in Britain and we have the beginnings of a scandal.’
Go To Blazes
‘GIVEN the many hours Hollywood stars have put in at charity fundraisers to collect money to fight AIDS and the like, isn’t it about time that we started doing something for them?
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| ‘Don’t worry, mum. Dad wasn’t famous’ |
And in particular for those stars whose homes were destroyed by the recent fires in southern California.
Come on, there must be plenty of you who have benefited from one of those all-star gala evenings or from one of Elton John’s charity auctions.
Put your hand in your pocket (or the pocket of the person nearest you) and send us everything that you can afford to the Anorak Stars In Flames Appeal.
Stars like Will Smith and wife Jada who ‘were ready to evacuate their Ventura County mansion’, like Tom Selleck and Lisa Marie Presley, who ‘were near the devastating wall of flames’, and music legend Smokey Robinson, whose Indian Springs home ‘barely escaped destruction’.
Some money will of course also go to Keifer Sutherland and the stars of 24 who had just been filming in a field that was later struck by the fire.
‘We were lucky we didn’t get caught in it,’ a show source said. ‘That would have been a disaster.’
As it was, the 20 people who died in the inferno weren’t famous at all – so, were it not for the fact that the paint on some celebs’ houses almost blistered in the heat, we wouldn’t have bothered to mention it at all.’
The Real Thing
‘DEPTH is not a word you’d instantly think of when meeting someone called Lance.
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| Roast in oven for 1.5hrs, turning occasionally |
But undaunted by such nominal bias, Hello! embarks on what it claims to be the first ‘in-depth’ interview with Lance Gerrard-Wright and his wife of many days standing, Ulrika Jonsson.
To begin with the good news, and the announcement that Lance and Ulrika are looking forward to the arrival of a child.
‘I didn’t want to shout it from the rooftops until I knew it was reasonably safe to do so,’ says Ulrika, who is not usually so coy when talking about the profits from her sex life.
But this being an in-depth interview, we are less interested to hear what Ulrika shouts about and more to hear what she and her Lance get up to in the privacy of their own love nest.
It’s pretty clear that Ulrika does most of the talking, as nothing is heard from Lance for quite some time, save for the gentle strumming on his acoustic guitar as Ulrika talks about her pregnancy.
It’s very much like being confronted by some kind of modern beat duo, as Ulrika raps about love, Agas and children, while her man plays the guitar and screams ‘Like it is!’ every so often.
Having complained about ‘the man’, or in Ulrika’s case, all men, Lance puts down his guitar and speaks.
‘Real life has been a feature of our life from the outset,’ says Lance. That sounds kind of profound, doesn’t it. Lance should use it for their next duet.
Indeed, the Lance and Ulrika ‘Love-In’ is not short of material.
Just listen to this from Lance, as he talks about romance: ‘Ulrika made a very clever cooking analogy at one stage, saying that with us it was a slow cook rather than a flash fry’.
So clever is it that we might use it. After all, slow and Lance are two words that are so very well suited.’
Keeping Up With The d’Ornanos
‘HMMM, wonder what The Count and Countess D’Ornano are getting up to right now in their elegant Paris duplex on the Quai d’Orsay?
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| ‘I told you we should have brought a couple of chairs’ |
If Hello!’s snapshot of the lives of the founders of the Sisley cosmetics firm (no, neither have we) are a guide, the Count is stood behind his seated wife.
It appears as an odd pose to us humble types. But if you were rich, famous and shared the tastes of the couple who created the ‘botanical skincare and cosmetics business’, you might do the same.
You too might buy the kind of carpets that look busier than a French tart on the Rue St Denis at chucking-out time.
As a rich person, you might even festoon your pad with enormous mirrors, massive crystal chandeliers and a life-size deer peering over a chair whose form take that of two bronze dogs scampering around a bronze tree.
You might even buy chairs. Lots of chairs. The D’Ornanos never tire of chairs. To our untrained and impoverished eye there are at least a dozen sofas, chairs and poofs for sitting on.
You might do all these things. And you might do them with no hint of a smile, as with the Count, or with the disdainful expression as etched on the bronze pig’s head that sits on the couple’s coffee table – the one next to the sofa with the tiger print cushions.
If you were rich, you might do these things and, perhaps, even more. So think before you gag on how ghastly it all is…’
Bush Craft
‘LINDA Barker would have a field day in the d’Ornanos’ Paris retreat. Ho, ho, best make that a jungle day, given that Linda made her name in such an environment.
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| Linda didn’t know what to do with her hands after the accident with the superglue |
But no one trick pony, Linda is now on safari. She can do jungle; she can do urban; she can even at a push to country postmodern with a lemon twist. And now she can do bush.
On a trip to the Shamwari Game Reserve in Africa’s Eastern Cape, Linda wore a red dress with beads sewn into it and a pink top. Later she wore a hat.
The giraffes in the distance wore a mottled brown and yellow fabric, the effect of which you can create for our own home with a stencil and a tube of self-tanning cream.
Linda later looked at a large ostrich egg, which makes the perfect dinner table conversation piece and receptacle for putting in off-cuts of chintz for emergencies.
Anyone interested in Linda’s new Bush Range should get in touch through us. Or scatter grass seeds onto a shag-pile carpet, water liberally and let nature do the rest.’
The Wallace Collection
‘IF you notice a particularly large pile of OK! magazines in your newsagent this week, there is a reason for it – as closer inspection of the cover will reveal.
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| Pound for pound, the best soap actress in Britain |
‘Jessie And Dave Reveal All,’ it promises beside a picture of EastEnders actress Jessie Wallace and her copper fiance Dave Morgan.
Yes, your face turns deathly pale as the horrible truth dawns – this week’s edition of OK! features Jessie and Dave in a series of John and Yoko-style naked poses.
Surely not! Inside Soap readers’ choice as TV’s sexiest soap actress (for the fourth year running) with her kit off? Why are the magazines not flying off the top shelf?
The answer, dear reader, is that once again we have been conned by those dastardly folks at OK! as closer inspection of the magazine reveals scarcely an acre of Jessie’s many hectares of flesh on show.
Not of course that we would ever refer to Jessie as having a surface area greater than one of the smaller Gulf States. It is a subject that she is understandably very touchy about.
‘It’s very hurtful when you’re being criticised for the way you look,’ she says. ‘At the end of the day, I’m a real woman – I’m not a model, I’m an actress.
‘The fact you have to look a certain way just isn’t fair – but then I’ve won Sexiest Soap Star four times running so I can’t be that fat.’
Quite right – and our non-swimming friend Michael Barrymore won Most Popular Light Entertainer 15 years in a row.’
Breast Of Friends
‘FORGET Will Young and Gareth Gates. Forget Rik Waller and Hayley Evetts. (What do you mean you’ve forgotten them already?)
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| The devil makes work for Idol hands to do |
The real winners of Pop Idol have been Simon Fuller, the pop svengali behind the Spice Girls and S Club whose company makes the programme, and Simon Cowell, the high-waisted judge, both of whom have made a small fortune from the show.
However, while Fuller opts to keep a low profile, locking himself away in his counting house like the king of nursery rhyme fame, Cowell relishes the limelight.
So much so that he even invited OK! to accompany him on his recent holiday to the luxurious Sands Beach Villas resort in Lanzarote.
‘As a thrill seeker, the holiday was perfect for Pop Idol’s meanest judge, with scuba diving, deep-sea fishing, horse riding and mountain biking available,’ the magazine reports.
‘And if he so wished, it was only a hop, skip and a jump to a windsurf board or the golf course.’
Whether Simon used his club in anger during the holiday is a matter for him and girlfriend Terri Seymour, but we do know that he went diving (‘which was great fun’).
One Pop Idol reject who hasn’t yet exhausted her 15 minutes of fame is Kirsty Crawford, who talks exclusively to OK! ‘about leaving Pop Idol, living the dream and those lesbian rumours’.
First up, the lesbian rumours. What’s the story behind them?
‘I made the front of all the newspapers,’ says Kirsty – something that may come as news to readers of the Financial Times and International Herald Tribune, both of whom surprisingly were more interested in events in Iraq and turmoil in the international money markets.
‘Even my father texted me and said: ‘Hi lesbo, how are you doing?’ Most people knew what I was talking about but obviously some people didn’t get it.’
In case you are one of the aforementioned FT or IHT readers, we recap the story.
After being voted off the show, Kirsty admitted that she used to share a bed in the Pop Idol house with fellow contestant Susanne Manning.
She went on to reveal that the two ‘have a kiss boobies kind of thing’.
‘We don’t actually do anything, we just bounce boobs,’ she said. ‘She was the first person I met at the auditions and we’ve been friends since.
‘She came up and said, ‘You’re so beautiful and talented – don’t forget that’. It really helped.’
And with that she was off to practise her boob juggling…’
Circus Act
‘IT would need most of the Russian State Circus to juggle our old friend Kerry Katonas overinflated mammaries and the other half to juggle her husbands.
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| ‘Can you get Kiss FM?’ |
But the Hot Stars columnist is more than just a gargantuan chest, as regular readers of Anorak will no doubt be aware.
She also has some strong views on a number of subjects.
For instance, she suggests that Anoraks favourite photographer Penny Lancaster is only famous because shes with Rod Stewart.
Shame on you, Kerry! Penny is also famous for prancing around in front of the camera in her underwear, as well of course as her pioneering work behind the lens.
Another barb is aimed at Dannii Minogue, whom Kerry says nobody would be interested in if it wasnt for Kylie and who she thinks should just be thankful that shes doing well now.
And poor old Des OConnor gets both barrels and these barrels (as you can see from the photo above) are definitely loaded.
He doesnt irritate me, says Kerry of Des, but hes the only person I can think of who wouldnt be on my wavelength.
Time you retuned your radio, Kerry if you can reach the knobs.’
Izzy Gets Busy
‘IT doesn’t take much to annoy Lady Isabella Hervey, younger sister of Lady Victoria, according to Hello!
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| It girl |
‘Just try and pigeonhole her,’ it advises, ‘and mention the words ‘It girl’ at your peril.’
Armed with that advice, we make a mental note to refer ‘It girl’ Lady Isabella as toff totty and poor little rich girl throughout the piece.
But we’d be wrong if we did so because Lady Izzy is actually ‘hard-working’ and ‘has kept her fingers in a number of business pies’.
For instance, there was the successful modelling career, she has recently landed ‘a starring role’ in Carry On London, she’s recorded a new version of the Beatles’ Money, she’s in talks about her own celebrity chat show and she’s writing a book called Lady Isabella’s Guide To Survival In The City.
Given the number of business pies in which Lady Iz has her aristocratic digits, we assume the city in question is the City of London.
And her tome will no doubt be required reading for derivatives traders, hedge fund managers, commodity brokers and trust fund kids wanting to know what to do with daddy’s millions.
However, our 27-year-old heroine would know nothing about that – her half-brother John managed to squander the family fortune on drugs and general extravagance.
And these days, if Lady Isabella wants to visit the family estate, she has to queue up with the peasants for a ticket or get Hello! to arrange a photoshoot there.
‘This visit is a very sad, happy, angry pilgrimage for me, a bittersweet thing,’ she says of her return, ‘but I had to do it in order to try and exorcise so many of the distressing things my half-brother brought to the place.’
And, of course, because Hello! fronted up with a whacking great cheque.’
Young Spice
‘GERI Halliwell is 31 years old. Stop laughing – it’s true. She was, according to the birth certificate we have in front of us, born on August 6 1972.
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| ‘If it’s true that pets get to look like their owner, I’m out of here’ |
It’s true that the handwriting on the certificate (£5.99 from Forge-it & Fake-em) looks exactly like Geri’s own, but she was a precocious child, you know.
Besides, one only needs to look at a picture of the ubiquitous former Spice Girl to realise that she has drunk deeply from the fount of eternal youth.
Either that or someone has done a good job with a trowel and Polyfilla.
We only mention this about the evergreen Ms Halliwell because we notice in this week’s Hello! that she has again dressed up in the guise of Marilyn Monroe.
Monroe, you may recall, died (or was she murdered?) of a drugs overdose at the age of 36, lonely with a string of failed relationships behind her.
We would like to think that Geri, who recently split up from boyfriend Jerry O’Connell complaining that he was ‘too laddish and immature’, will not meet the same fate five years hence.
However, Hello! happily reports that Geri ‘hasn’t lost confidence in her own allure’ as she slipped into the same kind of pink satin dress that Marilyn wore in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.
And took a starring role in Gentlemen Run A Mile From Self-Obsessed Redheads.’
Best Behaviour
‘TALKING of blondes, Hello!’s cover girl this week is none other than Alex Best, who opens her heart about life with and without husband George ‘and reveals why he had to go’.
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| ‘I preferred you when you were yellow’ |
Wags among you might suggest that anyone who has poured as much booze down their throat as George Best would need to go by now, but – alas! – the former air stewardess had gone beyond directing George to the two toilets situated at the front of the cabin and two at the rear.
Indeed, it seems that she has blown the final whistle on her eight-year marriage to the football legend – a victim of the three Bs.
‘Booze, blarney and blondes’ were apparently responsible for tearing Alex’s life apart – but now she is trying to rebuild it courtesy of two Rs – Red and Rua, her beloved red setters.
But Alex’s star is already in the ascendancy – and she is considering offers to appear on Channel 4’s The Games and the next series of I’m A Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here.
Or I Was Married To A Celebrity…Before I Got Out Of There.’
Tough Hill To Climb
‘THEY say that if you want to know how your girlfriend is going to turn out, take a look at her mother.
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| …but no cigar |
While this is good news for anyone who’ll one day date Kate Moss’ daughter, Lila Grace, it’s a wake-up call of the rudest kind for beaus of Chelsea Clinton.
The other trouble is that it is not too hard to be confronted with Hillary’s haughtiness, if the Enquirer is to be believed.
The story goes that Chelsea has been dumped by her lover, Ian Klaus, because he is sick to the back teeth of her mother running her life.
One pal of the pair recalls what he heard Ian once say: ‘There’s three people in this relationship and that’s gone on too long. From now on you can count me out.’
However, to the untrained eye it is not immediately apparent that the interfering mother was ever much in evidence.
In a series of photographs, readers see Chelsea and Ian in summer garb; Chelsea and Ian standing by a New York taxi; and Chelsea and Ian trying to swallow each other whole in Venice.
There is no sign of Hillary with the once loving couple. But then, what with this being the Clintons, you have to look for action in some unexpected places.
Like under Ian’s desk…’
Ready In Two Shakes
‘THE one thing you need when you’re interviewing Ozzy Osbourne is time. You need lots and lots of time.
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| ‘I got the shakes…’ |
If you only have an hour to live, you don’t want to spend it in the company of the slowest talker on Planet Earth.
One hour after ringing on his front door, you’ll be stone cold dead and he’ll have nearly finished asking ‘Who’s ther..?’
Unless of course he beats you to the drop.
The Enquirer has some insider news that is destined to shock the world. In conversation with the magazine, Ozzy says: ‘I told Sharon, ‘I am going to die’.’
Knowing the pickling properties of alcohol and the vast amounts of firewater Ozzy has consumed in his time, you’d think he’d go on forever.
He yet might. But for a while it was touch and go as Ozzy noticed that his hands were shaking harder than Tony Blair at a Bible class.
‘I wasn’t aware it was so obvious I had a tremor,’ says Ozzy. ‘I ain’t going to do any more TV because I look like a f***ing lunatic.’
But thanks to the love of wife Sharon, who fixed Ozzy up with a specialist who gave him some pills, the rock god has stopped shaking and is feeling much brighter.
And if you’ve got a spare hour, he’ll tell you some more about it…’
Gay Old Times
‘DO you know why Brad Pitt cannot make his wife Jennifer Aniston happy?
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| ‘Hey, look! You can see down Geri Halliwell’s top’ |
Want to know why? If you do you can turn to the Enquirer and hear how lonely the Friends actress is. Just listen: Jennifers lonely, says a source.
The real reason might be that she appears to be the last woman in Hollywood to turn gay.
Whereas homosexual men are loud and proud in California, lesbians have always been a bit thin on the ground, a little less mainstream.
Ellen DeGeneres is one. And there is…er, Rosie ODonnell. And that singer in the mens suits…kd lang.
But things have changed of late. Lesbianism is the new chic and if its not Madonna kissing Britney Spears, its Pink nearly kissing actress Kristanna Loken.
And heres Britney again, this time almost locking lips with Halle Berry.
While not exactly a highway to the gay way, this is nonetheless a new trend in the making. And we look forward to it being imported to these shores.
Vanessa Feltz and Anthea Tuner necking. Lisa Riley and Claire Sweeney doing the tonsil two-step. And maybe even Cherie Blair and Kylie Minogue getting it on.
Cant wait…’
Better Latte Than Never
‘ITS hard to put all of Donna Airs achievements in one short passage but OK! is brave enough to give it a shot.
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| ‘And a fried slice for table two’ |
Donna wears cashmere cardigan, £149; jeans, £35, by Per Una; vest, £12, and bra, 12, £12, both by MW, it writes.
So far so very good.
But Donna is nothing without her little sidekick, Freya, who, though asleep, is doing her best to ape her mothers considerable milestones.
Freya wears sleepshirt, £12 (pack of three); and cashmere cardigan, £30… Freya wears dress, £23 (comes with cardigan); top, £16 (comes with dress); and tights, £10 (pack of three).
At this rate, Freya will soon be overtaking her mother. But Donna is not resting on her laurels. And so it is: Donna wears cream sweater, £55, by Betty Jackson for Autograph.
Life happens at a frightening, thrilling pace for the former Byker Grove actress, who since leaving the childrens show has pulled on enough cardigans and vests to make your head spin.
And its made her wise beyond her years, a corset wearer, so to speak. Who but a wise old bird like Donna could know that her daughters feed is more important than what people think?
Its a stance that led to Donna unbuttoning her cardigan and opening the milk station in a public eatery only the other day.
When a child needs feeding youve got to feed them right there and then. All that matters to me is her health and her happiness. A lot worse things happen in cafes!
Like being a celebrity mum and not being noticed, for one thing.’
Horses For Courses
‘WHEREAS the famous pay their way in life, able to afford the niceties from the own bank accounts, the mere celebs look for the freebie.
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| ‘Who had rice?’ |
Whether it be an old sock, a cinema ticket or a drink in a new bar, the celeb is always scratching around like a hungry pig for the free goods.
OK! has noticed this and has been playing out a series in which celebs of minor repute are whisked away for a lunch at a restaurant that will be more famous for having been patronised by them.
And so it is that Jamie Foreman and his glamorous girlfriend Julie Dennis are seen sampling the delights of Drones Club.
Not that Jamie, who stars in ITVs Family, is fazed by such fine dining. A seafood anorak he might be, but, as he says, Deep down, I still believe you cant beat a nice bit of pie and mash.
How very humble. But we all know that what you cant beat is a freebie, and thats what Jamie and Julie are seen tucking into.
For starters, they have sweet rock shrimp tempura. Head chef, Juri Ravgali, suggests making the batter a hour before using it. Jamie and Julie suggest waiting until OK! invites you to eat Juris.
And then its rack of lamb with black pepper crust. Leaving room for passion fruit sorbet.
But whats this? Just as Jamie and Julie are settling back for some post-prandial drinking, the restaurants owner, Piers Adam, is coming over.
Hes showing them a huge piece of card, the contents of which are offered only for Jamie and Julies perusal. Gulp! Judging by the look on Jamies pug dog face it might be a bill.
Or else, Juri failed to take his own advice and let the batter stand before cooking…’
Keeping Up
‘NOT for no reason is Suranne Jones known as the knicker models knicker model.
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| Also available for work with bras |
Ostensibly an actress on Coronation Street, where she plays Karen McDonald – who, by sheer coincidence, sews knickers for money Suranne is doing what she does best in OK!.
Beginning with some black pyjamas, Suranne languishes on a white sofa and runs a hand over her head.
She then lies on her front, resting her head on her folded arms, looks into the cameras lens and smiles softly.
Readers are invited to do likewise at home, copying Suranne as she instructs us all in her famous Knicker Warm Up routine, which, as the blurb on her Christmas video explains, is raising the bar of knicker modelling.
And now shes ready to peel off her trousers, stand up and show us her knickers. For the record, they are black.
But Suranne is at pains to point out that her routine works just as well for red, blue and white, but, oddly, not pink – something shell address in next years video…’
Shag-A-Geek Week
‘IT is almost obligatory for Hollywood sex symbols to confess to being teased at school because of their looks either they were too tall, too goofy, too spotty or just too weird.
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| An ugly duckling out of water |
The latest to make such an admission is Uma Thurman or in her case the admission is made for her by her brother Dechen Thurman.
She was oddly proportioned, gangly with a nose, hands and feet that were too big for her body, he tells this weeks National Enquirer.
It was obvious that she was going to grow beautiful, but she didnt see it. In fact, she has a romantic notion that she is an ugly duckling.
If the young Uma didnt see it, you can be very sure that all the boys at her high school didnt see it either.
And how they must be kicking themselves today as they sit down on their extra large couch in front of an extra large TV dinner with their wife who looks like Kirstie Alley after an excursion to the all-you-can-eat-for-a-dollar pizza restaurant!
But Uma is by no means the only future Hollywood starlet who has got away from high school studs Julia Roberts was a speccy geek at High School, Nicole Kidman was a beanpole and Victoria Beckham was nicknamed pizza face.
All of which should act as a wake-up call to teenage lotharios forget the cheerleaders and the prom queens and seek out the weirdest looking girl in the after-school drama club.
Yes, were proud to say that its Anoraks inaugural Shag A Geek week. Just dont blame us when the ugly duckling grows up to be an ugly duck.’
Marriage Wrecker
‘UMA Thurman may no longer be an ugly duckling, but it does appear that she is a single woman again after he split from womanising husband Ethan Hawke.
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| Nicole’s ghost look was beyond pale |
But if the Enquirer is to be believed she could soon be joined by Friends star Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman.
Hollywood’s hottest weekly may spot more cracks in the strongest relationship than you’d see on the average building site, but it is convinced that Jen’s marriage to Brad Pitt is on the rocks.
‘Jennifer’s lonely,’ one source tells the Enquirer – an observation that is supported by another source who says: ‘Jennifer’s lonely.’
But it seems from the accompanying commentary that the only reason ‘why Brad can’t make her happy’ is that he’s away filming a lot at the moment.
‘When they finally get time together, they have a great time,’ a friend says.
And neither do things seem so bad for Nicole Kidman, who is apparently talking marriage with rocker-beau Lenny Kravitz.
The only trouble is that Kravitz’s pals think he is a total commitment-phobe and will chicken out before he gets to the altar.
‘It’s almost as if Lenny is comparing these women to the ghost of his mother,’ a friend says.
However, other pals clearly think that Nicole’s pale complexion compares favourably with the ghost of Jeffersons star Roxie Roker and think the pair are heading down the aisle.
‘Nicole has told Tom she’s in love again and may soon get engaged and he said he’s thrilled for her,’ a source says.
He’s already gone out and bought her a pair of stiletto heels to wear to the ceremony with the pint-sized Kravitz.’
The Skinny From Skinner
‘WHITNEY Houston is a drug addict. As revelations ago, that is up there with the news that George W Bush can’t watch TV and chew pretzels at the same time.
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| ‘Yes, but I never inhaled’ |
But it is also the considered opinion of Kevin Skinner, a former aide who claims he tried to warn street dealers not to sell to the troubled singer.
‘Do I think she’s an addict?’ he says. ‘In my personal opinion, yes. Have I ever seen Whitney use drugs? Yes, I have.
‘Have I ever started a sentence with anything other than a question? No, I haven’t.’
Skinner’s amazing revelations, which were made on a recent NBC programme called Dateline, are backed up by others, such as radio host Wendy Williams.
She told the show that Whitney threatened to beat her up after she asked her on air whether she smoked marijuana.
That’s a bit like asking Oliver Reed if he enjoyed a beer, Rod Stewart if he finds blondes more attractive than brunettes or Mick Jagger if he was ever unfaithful to his wife.
All we can say is that you deserve to get hit for asking such a bloody stupid question.’
A Perfect 10
‘A GLANCE at the wealth of jewels hanging from Diandra Douglas’ frame suggests that it was not only the Douglas name she kept when she divorced Michael.
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| ‘And here’s the Eiffel Tower again’ |
She also kept her head and her self-respect, two things that lead her to tell Hello! that she’s feeling on top of the world.
Up there affords her a pretty decent view of what life is like down here in the pits of despair. And Diandra has noted that life is not that easy for womankind.
‘We’re not all superwomen,’ says Diandra, tucking her knickers back inside her tights.
‘Many women are working ten hours outside the home and then they have to look after their husbands and children.’
While this shocking news sinks slowly in, giving us ladies something else to chew over with our lunches (while the Slovenian help takes care of little Jake), Diandra is ready to go to work.
She’s now left her home in America for far longer than the prescribed ten hours to take a trip to Paris and check out the latest designs from fashion house Lowe.
Toiling like a Trojan on speed, Diandra hopes to go shopping for life’s necessities, like an old estate in Andalusia, Spain, where she can stable the beautiful horse she bought on another trudge to the shops.
How proud must her boyfriend, and – who knows – potential future husband, Zak Hampton Bacon III be.
Just what are the odds on finding such a wonderful woman? Surely slimmer than finding three people called Zack Hampton Bacon!’
