Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
The Third Dimension
‘THREE-dimensional television is only a hop, skip and a jump away from being made real.
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| Three’s company |
To view this latest breakthrough in entertainment wonderment, you’ll not need those cardboard goggles with one red and one blue lens, but to tune into ITV in the coming weeks.
Few of you will need reminding that the third season of Footballers’ Wives is about to air, but how many of you knew that the show’s Tanya Tuner is set to be arrested for murdering husband Jason?
It’s true. Hello! says it’s true. And we have further proof of how real and true it is because we can soon watch Tanya grapple with her loss of liberty in Bad Girls, also on ITV.
Yes, finally after so long in the making, television has actually created a new world for itself, where Postman Pat delivers letters to Coronation Street, while Rolf Harris looks after the Emmerdale livestock and Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen paints the attic.
How long before the news is taken over by events in this other world? Judging by Trevor McDonald’s show, it might be only a matter of minutes…’
Age Before Beauty
‘OH, it is just no good! Weve flicked though Hello! a few times and keep retuning to something which worries us.
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| ‘Hey! You’re old enough to be my daughter’ |
Well, make that two things, since it cant be right that Diandra Douglas is walking around Paris with a dog in a bag.
[Diandra strikes a fun pose with her pet peeking out of her Lowe bag, says the caption to this most strange of shots.]
But its the line the women herself utters, not the one delivered by Hello!s treacle-meisters, that nags hardest.
Take it away, Diandra: Certain young women fall in love with the idea of having a fat bank account and a credit card and not the person. Thats why they dont care about the mans age at all.
Cynics might mistake this for bitterness. After all, it was not too long ago that Diandras octogenarian former husband Michael Douglas left her for that slip of girl from Wales.
But they would be wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong…’
Just Desserts
‘DAVID Blaine will be disappointed to know that Hot Stars columnist Kerry Katona does not care what he does next.
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| For his next stunt, David Blaine will try to survive without oxygen for 48 hours in Kerry’s cleavage |
That revelation, which comes in the top-heavy former Atomic Kitten’s weekly column, will be all the more hurtful for the street magician because he has always followed Kerry’s career closely.
Indeed, we imagine that right now he is poring over the world exclusive interview with Kerry and husband Bryan McPudding in this week’s OK! magazine.
If so, he will learn that the couple are keen to move on from Bryan’s stag night infidelity and will be happy to hear that ‘their marriage is as strong as ever’.
‘I love Bryan so much and I believe that our love is strong and I wouldn’t throw our marriage away,’ says Kerry.
‘The media like to blow things up,’ says Bryan – although, in the case of his wife’s chest, any further inflation would surely cause a nasty explosion.
‘I love Kerry and that’s the end of it.’
So let’s talk about something else – and where better to start than with a portrait of the couple on their wedding day that is so cringingly awful that it has to be seen to be believed.
Even OK!, which this week manages to describe as ‘star-studded’ a christening where the most famous guest was Jade Goody, is lost for words.
So let’s see what else Kerry has to say in her Hot Stars column.
Well, she’s not surprised that Anna Kournikova is quitting tennis, she thinks it’s great that Vernon Kay has signed to Radio 1, she says that the only reason Pink snogged Kristanna Loken was for shock value and she reckons Martine McCutcheon looks great.
‘And if her figure is all down to sex with her boyfriend, James Tanner, like she says it is, well, fair play to her,’ remarks our Kerry.
‘Who’s going to go the gym when they can have sex?’
Certainly not your husband, Kerry – although judging by the size of him, he hasn’t been getting a lot of shagging recently either.’
Gold Medallist
‘IT is rare that Hot Stars columnist Kerry Katona finds herself overshadowed in the bosom department, but then she has never shared a stage with Ann Summers boss Jacqueline Gold before.
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| Jacqueline shows off her bust |
When OK! describes the 42-year-old as the woman who has got everything, it means literally everything – and all concentrated on her chest.
In fact, such is the enormity of Ms Gold’s bust that she has to enlist the support of boyfriend Dan Cunningham as she poses for the magazine spread.
Without his support, the woman credited with bringing sex to the high street would have toppled over on her front years ago and probably never been righted.
So what was it that first attracted Dan to Jacqueline?
‘I think it’s the whole package,’ says the 26-year-old money markets trader. ‘She’s exactly what I go for – petite, dark and busty.
‘She’s good fun, she likes doing the same sort of stuff as me. And she likes football!’
Which is not exactly surprising, considering she has two of them stuck down her top.’
Return Of The Plank
‘IN her S-Club days, Tina Barrett was apparently known as The Plank because she was as thick as two short examples of said object.
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| Tina hadn’t yet got onto the lesson about getting dressed |
We mention that apropos of nothing except to issue a warning that the 27-year-old could be making a comeback.
‘Since the group’s demise,’ says OK!, ‘the various members have gone their separate ways, and with Tina Barrett often seen out and about smiling from ear to ear recently, you can’t help but wonder what she might have up her sleeve.’
The answer is probably nothing more interesting than a couple of arms and a dirty tissue, but Tina does have a boyfriend.
And not just any old boyfriend – Tina’s beau is called Tommy Hulme and, while [he] may not be a famous face himself, he does bear an uncanny resemblance to blond ’80s pin-up Christopher Atkins, who co-starred with Brooke Shields in the cult 1980 film, The Blue Lagoon’.
A celebrity lookalike boyfriend – it’s what all the stars are getting for Christmas.
‘I’m lucky to have someone so understanding and patient,’ says Tina – who is determined to master her two times table before the year’s out.’
The Wedding Planners
‘WHEN Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck failed to get married, caterers in Hollywood were presented with a problem.
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| Demi and Ashton are like pineapple and cheese |
What could they do with the thousands of miniature pork pies, cocktail sausages and slices of cheese and pineapple on sticks that theyd cooked up for the big do?
A food drop to the poor and starving of the world was one plan, but it was aborted when the US military stepped in and suggested the Iraqis, Afghanis and just about everybody else would use the cocktail sticks as weapons and invade America.
The only option was so obvious that we can only wonder why no one thought of it in time to save the wedding jam roly poly cake from congealing. Why not use the food to feed three other weddings?
So a note was posted on the Hollywood sign, which said that the first three couples to announce their intention to marry in this weeks National Enquirer would get their party catered for free.
So step forward Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Leo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen, and Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
All three couples are delighted to tell the world about their plans for marital harmony and in so doing take advantage of the caterers and, by implication, Ben and Jens largesse.
Who now says that Jen and Ben are a pair of self-centred fools who only do things for the publicity? Not us and thats not just because our mouth is full of jellied eel…’
Stars And Stripes
‘FOR as long as anyone can remember, Siegfried and Roy have been entertaining Las Vegas folk with the aid of 600lb white tigers – to say nothing of lashings of hair gel, foundation and sheer camp.
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| Fischbacher and Horn |
Not too long ago, however, one of the tigers, by the name of Montecore, showed what he thought of the show so far by trying to separate Roys head from his body. (Who says performers arent their own worst critics?)
The result is that Roy is in hospital, Siegfried is weeping by his bedside and the lid has been ripped off the secret lives of the famed magicians.
And the revelations are truly startling. Hands up how many of you knew that Siegfried is Siegfrieds first name and his surname is Fischbacher. Not many, we see.
We also learn that Roy is called Roy Horn, is 59 years old, has far younger looking hair and a face that looks like its tied on somewhere behind his head.
That image, of course, might have changed somewhat since Montecores scything review.
Indeed, grief might have altered Siegfried too, a picture of whom shows him looking like the result of a fantasy dalliance between Barry Manilow and David Cassidy.
And then there are the gay rumours. Yeah, rumours! Which given the look of the pair, their act, their love affair and the tales of catty fights and bitchiness is pretty outstanding.’
The Bums Rush
‘BOTTOMS are the new bosoms. More and more Americans are beseeching their surgeons to add a few pounds of lard to their backsides.
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| ‘Mine’s called Ben – what about yours?’ |
Dr Robert Ray says that his clinic offers a range of sizes. He also says that no-one goes for the small, with most preferring a Jennifer Lopezstyle large one.
Weve done a quick survey of Americans walking the streets of London and can say with a high degree of certainty that they do in deed have enormous arses.
But the trick is to not have an enormous everything, and the Enquirer tells wannabe lovelies about the new fitness diet taking Tinseltown by storm.
The daily guidelines are simple: drink eight to ten glasses of water; eat three high-protein, low-fat meals a day; eat plenty of fresh fruit, vegetables and salmon; and eat two snacks.
The diet also recommends weight training and taking exercise, like walking. A brisk half-hour walk could satisfy the aerobics requirements, comes the advice.
And its good advice. Although, given the lack of aerodynamics caused by that new voluminous arse, after half an hours walking, most Americans would be lucky to have made it from the sofa to the fridge…’
Overexposure
‘AS befits her position as one of the world’s top photographers, Penny Lancaster has been seeing a lot of the camera recently.
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| Penny was training to be an Olympic swimmer |
But if OK! caught her by surprise dressed only in her bra and knickers when it dropped in, Hello! gives her time to get properly dressed before being given the guided tour of the palatial Beverley Hills mansion she shares with Rod Stewart.
We all know that Penny is much happier on the other side of the camera, her work having appeared in countless family photo albums and the occasional picture frame.
But she has a fitness video to promote and so reluctantly swaps roles and agrees to pose for Hello! photographer Robert Gallagher while pouring her heart out to Hello! hack Sue Russell.
It is not an easy transition for a woman as shy as Penny.
‘People think that because I’m tall, attractive and do modelling [surely you mean photography – Ed], I must be very confident,’ she says.
‘But inside I’m always worried about what other people think, although I know that it’s what the people closest to you think that is most important.’
But at the age of 32, Penny’s come out of her shell enough to take another of her rare breaks from behind the camera to star in her own fitness video.
How did that come about, you ask. Well, it all stems back to yet another of those very rare occasions when Penny was to be found in her underwear at the unfamiliar end of the lens.
‘I think the Ultimo underwear campaign drew people’s attention to my figure,’ she says, ‘and got them wondering about my fitness secrets.’
Indeed, we here at Anorak have thought of little else since we first saw Penny in her smalls.
‘Beyond the financial thing, it’s so important to wake up in the morning and have a purpose,’ she adds.
‘Photography and fitness inspire me. If I couldn’t be creative and share that excitement with other people, it would be a pretty dull life.
‘It’s important to develop your own personality.’
And a couple of pictures along the way.’
No Flies On Caprice
‘THE word ‘multi-talented’ could have been coined for Penny Lancaster, but in this week’s issue of Hello! it is an epithet applied to Caprice.
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| So was Caprice |
And with good reason for Caprice is not just a model and one of the most photographed women in the world, but she is also an actress, a businesswoman and a fiancee.
Indeed, she has just come back from Canada where she has been shooting Hollywood Flies opposite Vinnie Jones and Brad Renfro.
‘I don’t think I could have played a lead in a major Hollywood movie three years ago,’ admits our multi-talented heroine.
‘I was still insecure and I’m sure things don’t happen until you have good karma. Working with Vinnie Jones and Brad Renfro on Hollywood Flies was perfect because they’re such incredible actors.’
Ehem! Can we rewind and hear that again? ‘Working with Vinnie Jones and Brad Renfro on Hollywood Flies was perfect because they’re such incredible actors.’
The release date for Hollywood Flies has not yet been decided, but it is due to go straight to video sometime next year.’
Picture Perfect
‘NO compendium of multi-talented women would be complete without Martine McCutcheon, singer, actress and Renaissance woman.
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| And so was Martine |
Like Caprice, Martine has just finished shooting a film, called Love Actually, opposite Hugh Grant and Emma Thompson.
Not so long ago she also starred as Eliza Doolittle in a West End production of My Fair Lady, and rather took her character’s name to heart.
And she has just penned a book, Martine McCutcheon: Behind The Scenes: A Personal Diary.
Well, penned might not be exactly the right word.
‘In among the glamorous photographs of Martine in head-to-toe Givenchy with fashion pal Julien Macdonald, or filming her first major movie,’ Hello! says, ‘there are some candid shots of her with her present boyfriend, James Tanner, a property developer four years her junior.’
Clearly, to enjoy this book the ability to read is superfluous. But that is hardly surprising when one hears about Martine’s choice of holiday companions.
When she finished filming Love Acutally, for instance, she took a ‘well-deserved’ break in Barbados ‘with her mum Jenny, stepfather Alan, best friend Linzi and Mac, her photographer’.
Most of us buy a disposable camera to record our holiday snaps; Martine takes her own photographer.
We hear that she wanted to take Penny Lancaster instead of Mac, but Penny was busy that day on one of her rare excursions in front of the camera. What bad timing!’
Facts And Fiction
‘KNOWLEDGE can often serve to place a thing in context.
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| ‘The capital of Italy is Rome’ |
For example, if we first hear that Vanessa Feltz has struggled with her weight, we are less surprised to then learn that she chooses to live in north London bricks and mortar and not a house on stilts in Bangladesh.
Without the background facts we are less able to appreciate the here and now. But some facts are apropos of nothing. They are facts that stand alone.
And so we arrive at the wedding of Jenny Powell and Marcus Baxendell. First fact, and this might be important, is that the wedding was in Italy but neither Jenny nor Marcus are in any way Italian.
They selected Italy for their wedding because Jenny knew it was the place where she wanted to get married after visiting the place with Marcus a few moons ago.
Jennys anorexic Italian credentials might explain why the bride and, most horribly, the groom wore white while their daughter, Connie, played in the train of her wedding dress and trod on dads cream loafers (most, most horrible).
No Italian would get away with such a get-up. Indeed, the Popes Trades Descriptions Act of 1876 expressively forbids mothers passing themselves off as virgins.
(The grooms numerous crimes against fashion are not punishable by an eternity in Hell, although he and Jenny have settled for a life in Cheshire, which is as near as damn it).
But the fact we gear up to is as follows. The evenings festivities and celebrations took place at Villa Fiordasilo, once home to Italys most famous poet, Gabriel DAnnunzio.
Usually OK! sticks to who designed the outfits, but here it chooses to protect the guilty and mention instead a man who died in 1938 and has been described as an agitator, fascist and nationalist.
As such he might not have enjoyed two non-pats getting married in his country, breathing in his air and partying in his grounds.
Although, as a poet (see above) he would have put it in more lyrical terms.’
Congestion Zones
‘IT was once hard to be a fascist in north London. The most culturally diverse part of Britain was a liberal melting pot of colours, creeds and religions. But no more.
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| Meanwhile, over in the Z Zone… |
Just one look at OK! tells us that things have changed and the best bits of north London now have red carpets where tarmac once lay, photo-me-booths manned by members of the paparazzi and A to Z Zones.
The A Zone stretches from Regents Park to Primrose Hill, taking in bits of St Johns Wood and fringes of Hampstead.
Its home to Jude Law, who is seen playing football in Primrose Hill with children Iris, Finlay and Rudy. Of course, this being OK!, the kickabout becomes Jude showed some impressive footwork and young Finlay showed some savvy moves of his own.
Meanwhile, Kate Moss was strolling with her fiancé Jefferson Hack and their daughter Lila Grace on the famous hill.
In the background of one picture you can even make out a football being kicked by a man showing some impressive footwork and a boy moving in a savvy manner.
You have to wait a couple of pages and walk on a few hundred yards to the regions C Zone to see Gail Porter walking with her husband Dan and their daughter Honey in Regents Park Zoo.
OK! snaps them looking through the protective fence at the animals on the other side not that the D-listers mind.’
Camera Angles
‘WE can now reveal that the lady who designs Penny Lancasters underwear is called Michelle Mone.
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| Penny recaptures the pose that made Bailey a legend |
David Bailey might have been famous in the Sixties, but we cannot recall anyone bothering to find out who makes his kecks.
And Mario Testino could be wearing tights and a stained pair of Union Jack Y-fronts for all we know or care.
We started with facts and so it is that we now boldly state one more: Penny Lancaster is clearly the worlds most talked about and revered photographer.
When most of us want to take a photograph of ourselves we hold the camera at arms length, aim it roughly towards our faces and… click!
Penny, on the other hand, most likely impales her camera on a tripod, or pile of Yellow Pages phonebooks, and ensures the optimum exposure by inviting round a few amateur photography enthusiasts and magazine types.
She then scrawls a pert X where her buttocks must sit to be in the middle of the frame before setting the timer, depressing the cameras big silver button and dashing over to her pre-made mark.
Then she waits for her self-portrait to be made real.
Shes an expert photographer is Penny – as any of the many pictures of her in her knickers and bra reveal.’
Wrong Said Fred
‘CAN someone please explain to us what is the attraction of Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst? No, more to the point, can someone please explain what is the point of Fred Durst?
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| A little man making lots of noise |
Most other pests serve some kind of purpose pollinating plants or eating other pests or providing a hobby for serial killers.
But what of Durst? No-one, as far as we know, collects him. In fact, you are more likely to find posters of Osama Bin Laden in the average American home than one of his records.
He performs no vital role in any food chain, either natures food chain or one of the many food chains that exist to ensure America retains its position as the fattest nation on earth.
And as for pollination, well, it is not for nothing that the female part of the pistil is called a stigma because no-one into whom Durst has dunked his limp bizkit is willing to admit to it.
The National Enquirer, which gleefully reports that Durst is limping through a concert schedule as critics savage his new album, says he is still banging on about his supposed sexual encounter with Britney Spears.
He bored the crowd, it says, with his tired rap about how he did her…and how shes a little bitch for denying a relationship…blah, blah!
The audience booed so Durst twanged his guitar and announced: I dedicate this song to Miss Britney Fucking Spears!
Infuriated by his asinine behaviour, the crowd flung water bottles, liquor bottles, trash and hot dogs at the stunned rocker!
Durst ducked the barrage, then turned tail and scurried offstage.
Later on in the magazine, the Enquirer quotes a London newspaper as saying that Durst has a new woman in his life Halle Berry.
The evidence for this appears to be nothing more substantial than the fact that Berry, newly separated from husband Eric Benet, appears in the latest Limp Bizkit video.
Durst is doing his best to hint that the rumours are true. Berry, unsurprisingly, is saying nothing.’
I Belong To You
‘WOODY Allen once said that, if he were reincarnated, he would like to come back as Warren Beattys fingertips. Well, failing that, Lenny Kravitzs fingertips wouldnt be a bad second.
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| ‘Vanessa who?’ |
If all the gossip is to be believed, the rocker is currently dating Oscar-winning actress and the former Mrs Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman.
Indeed, some sources tell the Enquirer that Kravitz has already proposed marriage and Kidman has accepted, although the only evidence for this appears to be a large diamond ring on Kidmans left hand (which she had before she even met Kravitz).
However, the magazine is worried that he will break the Aussie actresss heart as he has so many others.
And indeed Kravitzs form is pretty impressive other offences that he would like taken into consideration include Lisa Bonet, Kylie Minogue, Nathalie Imbruglia, Naomi Campbell, Madonna, Vanessa Paradis, Marisa Tomei and most recently lingerie model Adriana Lima.
Not too many there for his mates to take the piss about.’
Keeping Up With The Joneses
‘WHEN our American friends read Renee Zellweggers daily menu, as reproduced in this weeks National Enquirer, they will ask themselves one question: Is she back on a diet again?
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| Renee Zellwegger – as viewed from the top of her lunch |
The answer is yes – the 34-year-old actress is on a diet.
However, this diet is to gain weight as she reprises her role as Bridget Jones, which has just started shooting in London.
For instance, for breakfast she will have fried French (or should that be Freedom?) toast with maple syrup, four slices of toast with cream cheese and an omelette with a side of bacon.
For lunch, she has a Caesar salad with extra dressing, a bowl of pasta with a cheese-based sauce and crispy duck with sauce and rice.
Finally, for a typical dinner she eats chicken cordon bleu, steak, fish or chicken with fries and pudding.
In the United States, they call it the WeightWatchers diet.’
Eat Your Heart Out
‘BEFORE we move onto the first of our glimpses at glamour, ask yourself this question, as Hello! asks its readers: ‘What next for the Fame Academy stars?’
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| Sophie was never a very good bra model |
That is a big question. Instantly it begs another: ‘What’s on offer?’ But before we get to cover versions of Cliff Richard B-sides, duets with David Sneddon and residencies at Melton Mowbray’s Stardust Lounge, let us consider Sophie Anderton.
In this week’s Hello!, the former bra model ‘talks frankly about beating her demons’.
Buffy, eat your heart out, because Sophie’s demons don’t come with overhanging brows, yellowy eyes and claws – well, not unless their snouts are covered in powdered cocaine.
‘Some of the things I’ve experienced have been very traumatic,’ says Sophie, ‘like being involved in a hit-and-run accident when I was 11, being sexually abused at 14 and nearly dying from an overdose when I was 20.’
Sophie’s career comes straight from the school of hard drugs. It’s just a wonder that she hasn’t had bulimia, anorexia, Atkinsophilia, cannibalism or any other eating disease so popular with the in crowd.
Perhaps now she’s off the cocaine, her appetite will return and give her another trump card to deal as she plays the modern version of the fame game.
You know this game, where one starlet says how she’s a better person now for having taken Class A drugs, slept with anyone famous and/or rich with the aim of making herself more famous and/or rich and struggled to maintain perfection in a society where perfection is demanded of very beautiful woman.
Just listen to what Sophie said a few moons ago. ‘I’m much more scared of living than dying. Dying would be easy, living is the tough one.’
Of course she’s wrong, as her failed suicide attempt reveals. If you want to check, you can tell Sophie is alive by holding a mirror up to her mouth – but not her nose. Not anymore.’
Ryders On The Storm
‘ANOTHER woman who has suffered is Kym Marsh. And she’s all the better for her struggles – stronger, cleaner, slimmer, with nicer shinier hair and to-die-for shoes.
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| ‘I’m all right, Jack’ |
And Kym is now confident enough to ‘set the record straight about her marriage to Jack Ryder, motherhood and the price of pop stardom’.
Hang on, that’s a lot in one go, isn’t it? Let’s take things slowly and just start with a chat about her marriage to the former EastEnders actor.
Right now Kym and Jack are at home ‘working through things’. They are, as Kym herself points it, ‘talking’.
Perhaps they are talking about what Jack did when the couple sensationally split for five minutes earlier in the year. Perhaps his next acting job is the topic du jour.
What they are not talking about is having children together in the future, something that Kym can’t predict – so they might be talking about Kym and Kym’s weight, which she can.
By way of background, Kym lets us know that she runs three times a week and does 300 sit-ups a day.
‘I do fewer now – but make them harder,’ she adds. Her normal size is between an eight and a ten but she has been a 12.
This keep-fit regime and slavish dedication to weight loss are part of the price of pop stardom. And there is the bulimia she suffered from a few years back.
So there we go, as promised Kym’s covered marriage, motherhood and the price of fame in one easy-to-digest shake of an article.
Next week Kym will cover quantum physics, euthanasia and living with shaving rash.’
Bring It On
‘BY now you should have formalised some answer to the question we posed earlier: ‘What next for the Fame Academy Stars?’
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| Send in the clown |
You can post in your entries to the usual address, but be warned that we at Anorak only listen to good news and anyone spouting nonsense about singers being throttled by their own vocal chords or falling off the end of Welsh piers in summer seasons needn’t bother writing in.
By way of a pointer to the way ahead, Fame Academy ‘winner’ Alex Parks is paying a visit back to her home village of Mount Hawke in Cornwall and satisfying her passion for ‘a cup of tea and some beans on toast with cheese on top’.
After that our vision of life for Alex gets a bit hazy.
The fog begins to lift when one page on readers get to see Carolynne Good and Alistair Griffin, who came third and second respectively to the aforesaid Alex.
Alistair has just recorded a single called Lover’s Prayer with Robin Gibb no less.
And following the interview with Hello!, he’s off to record his first solo single, Bring It On, a tune he wrote himself.
And like Alistair, Carolynne has achieved her lifetime’s ambition and become a singer-songwriter.
‘It’s not easy,’ says Carolynne. ‘There you are on stage in front of millions of people. And you have to be prepared for that knock-down. If you deal with that you can deal with anything.’
Which means these micro-talented singers should be able to take in their strides anything you can throw their way.
So scratch that earlier call for good news only and, as Alistair says, Bring It On. They’ll thank you for it in the end.’
Getting Into The Re-Habit
‘WHAT do you do when you have a hangover? Chuck a couple of Paracetamols down your throat? Go to the nearest greasy spoon and order a Gutbuster Breakfast?
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| Distraught Elle had to leave her camel at home |
Or do you do what the stars do and check into rehab?
The Enquirer reports that Aussie supermodel Elle McPherson has embarked on a six-week programme ‘after out-of-control partying gave her memory lapses and left her hungover enough to jeopardise her family life’.
The 39-year-old, known as The Body, told a source: ‘I was told I was doing wild dances with Jade [Jagger] on the bar, chairs and tables – and I had no recollection of it.
‘The next day, I was hungover, yet I had family obligations. I realised I wasn’t being fair to them.’
If all of us checked into rehab because we couldn’t remember all of the embarrassing things we did the night before, the Priory would have to fit a revolving door.
But Elle is now holed up in The Meadows, the facility near Phoenix where Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was treated for her addiction to fame and Halle Berry’s husband was treated for his addiction to sex.
Apparently, Eric Benet was so sex crazed he once made the beast with two backs three times a week.’
My Life As A House
‘HURRAH! It has been a long time since Anorak favourite Vanessa Feltz last took a deep breath and squeezed her elephantine frame between the covers of OK!
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| An advert for Dennis Duhaney’s personal training services |
However, it has been worth the weight – not only is the human zeppelin back, but she is even bigger than ever.
‘Come on, we’ll do the interviews in my bedroom,’ chirps Nessie as a nervous OK! hack turns up at her north London home.
And minutes later, clad in a silky leopard-skin gown, she ‘turns glamour puss and sprawls across the kingsize bed, which is covered in a fake fur throw’.
It is an image to strike fear into the heart of men everywhere – that is except her personal trainer and boyfriend for the past three years Dennis Duhaney.
So how’s the human butter mountain’s fitness regime coming on?
‘I’m still training with Dennis at least six times a week,’ says Ness (although, judging by the pictures, her training sessions only involve lifting doughnuts from her plate to her mouth).
‘I cycle to work when I can, although I wobble from sheer fear of ending up under the wheels of juggernauts or buses!’
That’s nothing to the fear etched on the face of the juggernaut drivers or the bus passengers, terrified at ending up under a heaving mass of Feltz.
And what about her house, a Victorian Gothic folly which was built in 1850 and used to be owned by Charles Saatchi? Does she think it matches her personality?
‘I suppose so,’ she says. ‘It’s unpredictable, full of hidden surprises and you can’t tell what it’s like on the inside from how it looks on the outside.
‘It’s interesting and has charisma and charm.’
And it’s huge.’
The One And Only
‘THE presence of Vanessa Feltz alone ensures that this week’s is a bumper edition of OK!, but she is not the only larger than life character inside the magazine.
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| It’s a cakewalk for Katie |
Far from it, for this week’s cover girl is none other than Jordan who gives a world exclusive interview to Britain’s favourite celebrity magazine.
‘You won’t believe my new look!’ she tells readers – and she is right.
There is not even a nipple in sight as the glamour model turns princess for the day, ‘changing her look from sexy party girl to elegant, glamorous starlet’.
Unfortunately, no-one had told her mouth about this new role – and most of the conversation revolves around her bosom.
For instance, she denies having had another boob job – ‘If I put a push-up bra on, my boobs look ginormous’ – or indeed wanting one.
‘I love my boobs,’ she says. ‘I’d never change them to go bigger or smaller. Any bigger and it’d look stupid on my body.’ Any smaller and they’d be pretty well invisible.
She doesn’t know why she spends so much of her life flashing her boobs at the camera.
‘I bet you could make a whole picture book of me getting my boobs out,’ she says. ‘I don’t know why, sometimes I think ‘why on earth did I get my boobs out last night – it looks so tacky?”
She does now why she continues to fill magazines – ‘Because I’m always myself’ (plus a few hundredweight of silicone) – but doesn’t know why the likes of Jodie Marsh compete with her.
‘I think it’s sad that they want to be like me,’ she says. ‘There’s only one Jordan and there’ll only ever be one Jordan.’
And we thank the Lord for that.’
Posted: 13th, October 2003 | In: Reviews | Comment (1)
Different Klass
‘COMPLETING our buxom trio this week is Myleene Klass, better known as the one from Hear’Say who used to flash her cleavage at any waiting lens.
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| Thanks for the mammaries |
These days, however, Myleene is a different person – not only has she abandoned the world of pop for a career as a classical musician, but her famous cleavage is a shadow of its former self.
As if to prove the point, Myleene poses for OK! in a succession of low-cut tops and plunging necklines.
‘You used to be known for your cleavage, but things have diminished in that department with your weight loss,’ observes OK! ‘Have you had a breast reduction?’
Myleene laughs and relates how she soared to a EE cup when she was in Hear’Say.
‘When you are bigger up top, people think it must be great – but it’s not,’ she says. ‘I’ve lost weight and now I’m a C/D cup, but at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter what size you are.
‘It’s more about finding a place in life where you are comfortable with yourself.’
And with Vanessa, Jordan and Myleene, that would probably be lying in bed flat on their backs or in a flotation tank…’
Britney Threesome Shock
‘LET this be a warning to all you Anorak readers who are thinking that a bit of plastic surgery could be the answer to your troubles.
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| Elle limbers up for her bout with Jack Nicholson |
Dreadful mistakes can happen – you might get Barry Manilow’s cast-off nose sewn above Leslie Ash’s trout-pout lips, Jimmy Hill’s chin and Prince Charles’ ears or, worse still, an early prototype of Demi Moore.
As if to illustrate this very point, the National Enquirer this week reveals that the very same thing can happen even to the best put-together magazine.
And with shocking results.
‘Britney & Brad Begs Jen To Sex It Up’ is the (albeit ungrammatical) headline across the top of Pages 20 and 21.
Now, we know that Britney is trying very hard to put her virginal past behind her by snogging women old enough to be her mother, but this raises a few questions.
What, for instance, is she doing with Brad? Why are the two of them asking Jen to sex it up? And what, pray, do they want sexed up?
A short Hutton inquiry later, we can report that – alas! – no scandal exists.
The dodgy dossier in this case is the Enquirer itself, which has mistakenly elided two stories – one about Britney Spears’ closeness to a hunky (but married) choreographer, the other about Brad Pitt wanting his wife to take more trouble about her appearance.
It’s a trick we can use on the rest of the magazine, providing such intriguing headlines as ‘Elle McPherson Hits Jack Nicholson’, ‘Lisa Marie Battles Broadway Babs’ and ‘Secret Bare Past Of Kirk Douglas’.
Not to mention ‘Paris Hilton & Tara Reid Get Wild & Wasted’…’
