Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Cheek To Cheek
‘IS Ireland the new Cheshire? We ask because no sooner has a pop star married his sweetheart in the Emerald Isle than another crooner pops up showing off his mod-el daughter.
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| Lady in red |
Few can forget Chris de Burgh, the man who wrote a dirge about his woman in red and then dumped his muse for a younger woman.
Fewer still will have a clue that the woman in red standing next to him is not a new flame but his daughter Rosanna Davison.
She’s also wearing a ribbon on which is written the legend ”MISS IRELAND 2003”.
She won the coveted title because, as Louis Walsh, who discovered Westlife digging ditches in Sligo, puts it, Roseanne has everything – ”style, intelligence, beauty”.
And a dad who’s big in Cork…
‘
People In Glass Houses
‘PEOPLE looking for what happened to the great Crystal Palace have long held the suspicion that the structure’s glass was tinted green, turned into a gigantic gin bottle and given full to the Queen Mother.
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| The Gordon’s Suite |
To keep prying eyes from discovering the truth, we are not shown all the rooms at Clarence House, the home where the Queen Mum once lived and where Prince Charles has now taken up residence.
Instead, we get to see the bits we are supposed to. For instance, rather than The Tack & Bridle Bondage Room, we are shown The Morning Room, with its soft green hues and gold brocaded chairs.
We are not invited to gaze upon the house’s private cinema and the extensive collection of adult DVDs, but to look at The Lancaster Room with its cases of books.
We do get to see The Horse Corridor, with its pictures of horses, but, oddly, no actual equine beast being washed by seven naked jockeys.
And The Garden Room we get to see is very charming, but would it not have been fairer on us who have partly funded its restoration to see the organic privet hedge that Charles has successfully mated with an endangered baboon?
We may never get to see the real Clarence House, the one paid for from the proceeds of the giant bottle, which was drained empty at the very moment of the Queen Mother’s passing.
For that you need a special invitation. Or a backdoor key…
‘
The Years Condemn
‘ANYONE would think the Oscars ceremony took place yesterday, instead of six months ago, the way Catherine Zeta-Jones is still banging on about it.
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| ”Ok, Michael, I’m ready. Now you can answer the door” |
In fact, if she had had her way, she would still be on stage now going through a long list of thank-yous.
Instead, she turns once again to OK! magazine to tell everyone how lucky she is and how happy she is.
”I was so happy to win it and it’s lovely to have,” she says, ”but personally I think it will be best when I get older. You know, I’ll be 80 and maybe someone will still hire me.”
Why not? After all, her husband still gets work…
Someone who knows all about performing into their dotage is Alvin Stardust, who is ”still rocking” at 60 – or at least as rocking as he ever was.
OK! catches up with the decrepit singer, famous for such hits as, er, My Coo Ca Choo, at his West Sussex house with wife Julie and daughter Millie.
And we are happy to be able to report that, far from hanging up his black leather jacket, Alvin will be appearing in panto as Captain Hook in Worthing this Christmas.
He is also releasing a Christmas album and is currently putting together a 16-date Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree UK tour.
Who said rock ‘n’ roll was dead?
‘
Kym’s Game
‘GIVEN that most celebrity marriages last only as long as it takes the couple to tell the world how in love they are, it is no surprise that celebrity separations are measured in minutes rather than days.
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| ”She’s behind you!” |
Unfortunately, magazine deadlines are not so flexible – and, for the third week in a row, OK! is caught out by Kym Marsh and Jack Ryder’s on-off relationship.
Its cover sports a picture of Kym wiping away a tear and promising to tell the truth about her ”affair” with Triple 8 singer David Wilcox.
The truth is that David is just a good friend and the tear in question was actually shed some months ago at the Talented Youngster Of The Year awards.
But that doesn’t stop OK! speculating about Kym and Jack’s future.
”Is this really the end for the golden couple?” it asks of the trial separation, unaware that the split lasted only as long as it took Jack to get back from the loo.
Next week, we expect OK! to answer its own question, declaring that the couple are back together and more in love than ever…only to find that Kym has walked out of the marital home to do the weekly shop.
The couple have blamed their marriage problems on the pressures of work, in particular Kym’s constant travelling to try to keep alive her ailing singing career.
With her first album dropping faster than Bryan McFadden’s trousers on his stag do, the good news is that it’s an excuse they are unlikely to be able to use for long.
However, we can only imagine that OK! means well when it says: ”We only hope that Kym’s marriage can have as happy an ending as her music career.”
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The McPaddings
‘WHOEVER suggested that Westlife porker Bryan McPudding is fat should eat their words – if the podgy Irish singer hasn’t eaten them first.
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| From the waist down Kerry weighs less than 10lbs |
Bryan’s wife Kerry Katona, who doubles up as a Hot Stars columnist, is adamant that her husband has not put on weight – he was as fat as that when she married him.
”If you met Bryan in person,” she insists, ”you’d see that he has no fat on him. He is 6ft 3in and looks gorgeous and always has done.”
Always, Kerry?
”OK, he was big when he joined Westlife at 17 or 18, but it was puppy fat and he’s lost a lot since,” she says.
”He’s the tallest in the band and looks good! I’m 5ft 3in and 9 stone and Bryan’s about 13 stone, so anyone who says he’s fat is crazy.”
Clearly, what we should be saying is that they are both fat…
‘
Be Our Gest
‘AFTER Dr Atkins and his dieting kin, we bring you the Gest Diet, as induced by David Gest.
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| David forgets to put his trousers on…again |
This one’s an easy enough diet, although you might die from lack of sustenance. But you read the copy and take your choices.
So, for those that do not want to adopt the Gest Diet as their own preferred form of weight loss, look away…now!
The rest of you, we want you to close your eyes and imagine David snuggled up to his once beloved Liza Minnelli. They are now ready to have sex.
No, do not soften the bulbs and dim the lights. Do not put Mantovani Plays Motown on the stereo and scatter a million cushions like rose petals.
This is not love-making. This is raw animal sex. This is David Gest, a man of deep passions, who once vowed that he’d kill the man who harmed his Liza.
But before love comes the important stuff. David has spotted his sock lying on the floor, and he bends over to pick it up and furl it within the other one in the way a real man does.
We now ask you to conjure up the view.
It’s not pretty, but neither is fat. And when your appetite does eventually return and you can hold food down, you need not thank David – your thinness is all the thanks he needs…
‘
Blown Away
‘OK, you can start eating now. We said you can start eating. Jee-sus, is Lara Flynn Boyle deaf or what? YOU CAN START EATING NOW!!!
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| You alright in there, Lara? |
It’s no good, she can’t hear us. She’s on the beach and the sound of the surf in her ears must be interfering with our efforts at communication.
Perhaps if we rub our stomachs and mime eating. No, that won’t work – Lara is no method actor and she’s also got little by way of stomach.
Perhaps if we all stand in a line and blow she’ll look over to see where the breeze is coming from. On the count of three… one…two…three…BLOW!
Stop blowing. Stop blowing. SUCK! SUCK! Suck harder! She’s floating out to sea, flipping and flapping like a feather in a hurricane.
SUCK! SUCK! Oh, well done. She’ll be just fine. Just pull her out of the gap between your teeth and send her on her way.
Oh no! We forgot to tell her to start eating again…
‘
Tip-Top Success
‘DUSTIN Hoffman has more talent in the tip of his finger than most of Hollywood have in their entire bodies.
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| Half the man he used to be |
So we are shocked and saddened to hear that a recent accident caused Dustin and his fingertip to part company.
The finger did not go in search of an agent of its own, but was sliced off in a freak accident.
While filming Moonlight Mile, Dustin sat down on a deckchair. The chair collapsed, slicing off the top of Dustin’s right index finger.
”I lost the tip but I can use it,” says Dustin. ”I can feel it. I can still play the piano.”
The fingertip, meanwhile, is currently touring the Far East as guest soloist with the London Philharmonic Orchestra.
‘
Wanted Dead Or Alive
‘TONGUES are wagging. Where is she? What can she be doing? Has she taken a nasty spill? Will she be discovered only when it is too late?
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| We have Tara. Send £500,000 to Anorak and we’ll see she stays where she is |
The last thing Sarah Manners needs to worry about on her wedding day is Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, but she surely must have wondered where the reformed cocaine addict had gotten to.
Sure, she hadn’t been invited to Sarah’s wedding to Ben O’Sullivan, but the Casualty star knows that TP-T needs no invitation.
Like Zelig in Jimmy Choos, Tara is always there when it matters.
Tara was at home just the other day, holding a soiree for her close pals in her new house.
OK! only got as far as the front steps but, after much waiting, Tara made an appearance, if only to stand behind her security guards. But she seemed alive and in good spirits.
And she was looking her usual self when she attended the premiere of Legally Blonde II. OK! spots both Tara and her ‘new love’ Alistair Coldrey nip into the film for free.
And at Antony Costa’s ‘star-studded’ wedding to Lucy, Tara can be seen celebrating the marriage of the Blue singer by showing her armpits to the camera in a dance, of sorts.
And then nothing. Not a single word, not even a telegram of congratulations to the happy couple.
Perhaps Tara failed to recognise that free champagne was on show and that OK!’s cameras would be at the Manning wedding? Or perhaps something awful has befallen her?
But with the security guards blocking the door to her pad, we’ll just have to pray she’s all right – and that if she has left us, it was peaceful and painless…
‘
No Rest For The Wicked!
‘WHEN Kate Lawyer won Big Brother III it was Wicked!
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| Whatever Kate does next you just know it’ll be Wicked! and Crap! |
It was Wicked! when she went to the toilet, Wicked! when she went on television to present Channel 4’s morning show and Wicked! when she was asked by OK! to talk about Big Brother IV.
Now in her OK! piece she gives the ‘Big Brother low-down’.
‘Well, Big Brother has finished and to be honest I’m glad it’s over,’ says Kate. ‘Cameron winning the show sums up the series, he’s the most boring winner yet.’
This is, of course, Kate playing Devil’s Advocate. She knows the Scotsman isn’t the most boring winner of all time and sets out to prove it over the length of her latest outpouring.
Deviating from Cameron, Kate says that when she won she never thought about the money – just ‘my family and how I’d have a great story to tell my grandchildren’.
Although, if OK! can tell it for her every week, so much the better.
‘
Mr Marsh Bogs Off
‘SINCE there is more than a 20-second lag between when OK! publishes its stories and when the daily papers publish theirs, we see Kym Marsh standing alone.
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| Kym marries the one she loves |
It was, of course, the story that had all the showbiz set talking – Kym had split from husband Jack Ryder after little more than a year of marriage.
To OK!, the shot of Kym alone on the pink carpet at the premiere of Legally Blonde II, holding a little stuffed dog in one hand (a symbol of the movie in more ways than one), is symbolic of her home life.
But it’s a misleading image. Kym is back with Jack. Their painful separation ended when he returned from another failed audition.
They then separated again while Jack went to ‘take his jacket off’, but soon they were back in love.
Readers are invited to imagine that standing slightly out of frame on the OK! picture is Jack. But the slow of mind had best be quick – Jack needs to see a man about a dog.
Let’s just hope it’s a dog he can get some work on. And that he comes back…
‘
Hunter Gatherer
‘WE have often wondered what Rachel Hunter did for a living apart from being blonde and Rod Stewart’s ex-wife.
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| Spot The Difference |
Well, now we will have the chance to find out, as Sky One prepares to screen a documentary on the New Zealand-born, er, woman.
From the programme’s title – Rachel Hunter: Laid Bare – we deduce that Rachel is keen on taking her clothes off, a surmise that is confirmed by a photo-shoot in this week’s Hello!
But what does she do between photo shoots and appearances in glossy magazines?
Once again, Hello! supplies the answer, inadvertently let slip by Rachel’s manager Claire.
‘I don’t see why people compare the two,’ she says of Rachel and Rod’s current squeeze, Penny Lancaster.
‘They are totally different. Rachel’s an actress and Penny’s a photographer.’
And there was us thinking that they were both blondes who posed for swimwear magazines and lingerie catalogues.
But no, Rachel is, according to Hello!, a ‘successful’ model and actress – just as, we suppose, Penny is a ‘successful’ photographer.
‘She’s landed her first major TV part in the British equivalent of Sex And The City called Denial,’ it says, ‘in which she plays a socialite called Georgie alongside Danni Behr, Frances Barber and Emily Lloyd.’
And before we all start holding our noses and making turkey noises, Hello! is onto the next project – a thriller called Post Is Due, in which Rachel will star ‘reportedly opposite Faye Dunaway and Jeff Goldblum’.
All this, two kids, her charity work on behalf of gorillas and she still has time to develop her own make-up and leisurewear ranges.
It is said that Alexander The Great conquered the known world by the time he was 30, but Rachel Hunter is only three years older.
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Game, Lysette And Match
‘POOR Lysette Anthony. Lysette who? Lysette Anthony – you know, the one who used to be Two Up, Three Down or Three Up, Two Down or whatever combination it was.
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| ‘Do I get a place on the cover now?’ |
Poor Lysette Anthony – she gives Hello! an exclusive interview ‘about the bitter divorce that led to a new home and new love’ and no-one would ever know.
No-one that is who only judges a book by its cover, which of course Hello! readers would never be guilty of.
Poor Lysette’s painful tale of life on the ill-fated soap Night & Day and the break-up of her marriage to Hollywood producer David Price doesn’t even merit a mention on the magazine’s cover.
Hell, even drippy Big Brother contestant Nush Nowak gets her simpering mug on the cover of Hello! this week and she’s not so much as landed a part in The Bill.
Nush has had plenty of offers, however – ‘modelling, YV presenting and a yoga video are all in the melting pot,’ she tells us.
But she is taking her time to talk it over with her mum and people close to her to see what they think would suit her.
Given that obscurity seemed to suit her so well before Big Brother, maybe she should give that another go.
‘
Sketch Booked
‘ON their hen nights, soon-to-be brides are traditionally meant to make the most of their last night of freedom by jumping on every bloke they meet.
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| ‘So, Contestant No.1, why do you want to sleep with me?’ |
However, by that reckoning Ulrika Jonsson’s entire life has been one long hen night, so the actual occasion was always going to be a bit of a let-down.
Nevertheless, Ulrika and 20 close gal pals (who included Faye Tozer, formerly of Steps, and Cate Blanchett) descended on exclusive London restaurant Sketch to celebrate.
And the evening didn’t go entirely without surprise for the former Swedish weather girl when she was confronted by a look-alike of former lover Sven Goran Eriksson.
‘We knew she’s see the funny side when Sven was exposed as a double,’ a friend guffaws to Hello!
The original idea to confront Ulrika with look-alikes of all her past lovers had to be scrapped because fire regulations at Sketch wouldn’t allow the numbers involved.
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It Takes Two To Turkey
‘BEN Affleck knows more about turkeys than Bernard Matthews – he has after all starred in enough of them.
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| Marriage is just one step closer to divorce |
In fact, with the exception of Good Will Hunting and Shakespeare In Love, his films have been so bad that one wonders why he is not back waiting tables by now.
And if he is no better at picking a wife than he is at picking a script, we fear his marriage to Jennifer Lopez will last as long as her first two attempts.
Not that J-Lo’s acting career is any more successful than her marital career – Gigli merely joins a long list of appalling films that includes Maid In Manhattan and The Wedding Planner.
All of which makes America’s obsession with the big-chinned actor and the big-arsed actress all the more bizarre.
They may be a shoo-in for this year’s Razzie as the worst on-screen couple for their performance in Gigli, but that alone cannot explain the fascination.
After all, they are no strangers to the Razzies – Affleck was nominated as worst actor for Pearl Harbor and has twice been nominated as one half of the worst on-screen couple; J-Lo has had two nominations for worst actress in each of the last two years.
But despite their inability to act their way out of a paper bag, they are still, in the words of the National Enquirer, ”Hollywood’s reigning ‘It’ couple”.
And this week for those of us who haven’t been invited to their September nuptials, the Enquirer is happy to give a sneak peek ”at what promises to be the celebrity event of the year”.
Of course, the magazine has got no more idea than the rest of us about what is going to occur – it doesn’t even know when or where the wedding will take place.
But at least it has a few clues to go on, not least the bride’s two dress rehearsals.
The Enquirer looks at the dress J-Lo wore at her 1997 wedding to Ojani Noa and the dress she wore at her 2001 wedding to Cris Judd and decides that this time out she’ll wear a Vera Wang or Valentino.
Why? ”Wang is one of her favourite designers and Jennifer is looking for a traditional, elegant gown,” it opines.
Similarly, we learn that the tables will be bursting with an estimated (by the Enquirer) $200,000 of gorgeous pink and white flowers.
Again, why? ”Those are among J-Lo’s favourite colours.”
But what of the guest list? George Clooney and Richard Gere, it says, make the cut, but P Diddy and Gwyneth Paltrow don’t.
However, watch out for a special appearance from none other than Benny Medina, J-Lo’s manager for the past five years until she sacked him.
He has revealed that he will attend if he is invited. As, we can confirm, will we…
‘
Tell Me Moore, Tell Me Moore
‘BEN and Jen may be ”Hollywood’s reigning ‘It’ couple”, but they are not ”Hollywood’s hottest couple” – that accolade belongs to Demi Moore and toyboy Ashton Kutcher.
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| Demi shows what happened to her offcuts |
After only three months together, the Enquirer can report that 40-year-old Moore and 25-year-old Kutcher are practically living together.
It’s not enough that they already own houses near each other (and the rest of Hollywood), it says, but now they’re renovating Ashton’s newest home together.
A Kutcher pal explains: ”When he first bought the place, it was going to be a bachelor pad where he and his buddies could party.
”Now his plans have changed. He wants to turn it into a hideaway where just he and Demi can escape to be together, just the two of them.”
The Enquirer has no more news on whether the two are heading down the aisle together, but it does reveal that the only downside Demi has with dating Kutcher is the mail she gets from his fans.
”They call her a cradle-snatcher and some warn her to get her paws off him,” the Enquirer says. ”But Demi is trying to put it in perspective.
”Most of the letters come from teen girls around her daughter Rumer’s age – 15 – so she understands how possessive and passionate they can be.”
After all, Demi was 15 once – and indeed many parts of her still are.
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The Ex-Philes
‘AS Jane Austen so astutely observed, a single man in possession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife.
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| And she’s got her own Playstation |
However, it is a fact not so universally acknowledged that a single man not in possession of a large fortune must also be in want of a wife, preferably a rich divorcee.
And, ever eager to help, the Enquirer rounds up Hollywood’s hottest prospects and, like a game of celebrity Top Trumps, lists their assets.
For instance, if you’re just in it for the cash, then look no further than Nicole Kidman, who is worth a cool $80m – almost twice as much as second placed Sharon Stone, who gets by on just $50m.
If you’re looking for the marrying type, try Sex And The City’s Kim Cattrall, who has three under her belt. Failing that, Sharon Stone and Angelina Jolie both have two.
For age, take your pick from twentysomethings, Brandy and Angelina Jolie, to fortysomethings, Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan and Kim Cattrall.
For likelihood of success, have a crack at Nicole Kidman first, with matchmaker Harriet Shaffer rating your chances as ”good” with the high-flying actress ”ready to chuck her soaring career for love”.
However, if you don’t fancy having Nicole under your feet at home all day, then Cattrall is apparently ”on the prowl” and Jennifer Garner ”has yet to reach superstardom, which means she isn’t out of reach yet”.
Only problem is that she’s a comparative pauper with only $3m to her name – barely enough to keep you in beer and pretzels, let alone pay the cable TV subscription.
‘
Beguine Again
‘JULIO Iglesias? Where do we begin – or Begin The Beguine, as he is wont to croon?
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| A smooth operator |
Let’s do as Hello! does and start with a look at Julio’s sprawling Caribbean pad in the Punta Cana resort, a secluded enclave in the less-than-exclusive Dominican Republic.
Very nice it is too. Lots of wood, plenty of views of the azure sea and a nice few palm trees, we can tell you.
And there’s a young bird sitting on his shoulder. Her name’s Miranda Rjinsburge, and she’s clearly very much in love with the aging Spanish singer.
Don’t forget, Julio, you turn 60 in September. ‘Never! Never! No, if I celebrate anything, it will be that my brain and my heart are still functioning in unison,’ says.
‘Until I can no longer distinguish red wine from white, I shall feel as young as I think and think as young as I feel.’
Let’s hope Julio’s brain doesn’t start to deteriorate too rapidly or he’ll be behaving like a geriatric who thinks he’s eight-years old.
Of course, Julio would rather be 32, like the bird we’ve already seen, the one perched Captain Flint-like on his shoulder.
‘Some days Miranda is younger than me, sometimes older,’ says Julio somewhat wishfully. ‘Some days, I can feel 16, sometimes 160’.
Since there is nothing more unattractive than a 60-year-old who behaves like a teenager in the first flush of sexual endeavour, we say our goodbyes and leave Julio in paradise.
‘
Hob Nobbing
‘THAT Camilla Parker Bowles is one tasty bird. Judging by the look on the face of the 77-year-old pictured kissing her hands, Camilla tastes of very ripe Lymeswold and Hobnobs.
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| ‘Stale wee. Hmmm, my favourite’ |
And who can blame the old crow for wanting a piece of Camilla, our Camilla? Every time we look at her we smack out lips and salivate.
As does Charles, who was with his special friend at the Sandringham Flower Show.
Hello! was also there to witness the ‘longest encounter she has ever had with members of the public’, notwithstanding the time she had to queue for hours at the foie gras section of Harvey Nics food hall.
And in the course of the dallying with the plebs, Camilla happened upon the aforesaid 77-year-old, now revealed to be one Dorothy Edwards from Haughley, Suffolk.
Why did you kiss her, Dotty, as if we need ask? ‘I did it because I think she is very good for Charles and she smelt beautiful.’
Yes, Camilla is indeed a feast for all the senses.
‘
Carole Singing
‘WHEN brothers George and Ira Gershwin penned their immortal line Nice Work If You Can Get It, they did so with a precognitive nod to Carole Caplin, self-confessed ‘fitness trainer, stylist and lifestyle adviser’.
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| The sole surviving member of the Hair Bear Bunch |
But Carole is still unhappy. ‘The last eight months have been horrendous,’ says she, lying back on a cushion in a blue crepe suit.
‘Sometimes I feel like sitting on the floor and having a good scream and shout. I’m not Miss Perfect – but neither is it my way to be a victim.’
Of course, if Carole did sit on the floor to have a good cry, she’d do so on the balls of her backside, assuming the position laid down by countless yoga gurus though the ages.
Perfect she may not be, but bad posture is hers for the taking.
It’s the kind of thing anyone can learn in the Maldives. Which is a co-incidence because Carole has just returned from a trip to those sun-kissed islands where she was researching a guidebook for the world’s premier spas and gyms.
We know that the best gym is the one with the most mirrors. We know that, but it’s nice of Carole to make a study of the enterprise.
However, the crux of Carole’s life is her 15-year relationship with Cherie Blair.
It enables her to field such questions as: ‘When you see from the TV pictures the stress that Tony Blair has been under these last couple of weeks since the death of Dr David Kelly, what do you think?’
It’s the kind of tricky question that Hello! never flinches from asking. And after thinking about the matter Carole delivers her verdict: ‘It’s a tough and rough world.’
You half imagine that those words are etched on Cherie’s own posterior, a reminder to Tony in more reflective moments that life is what you make of it.
But the most important question is how Carole would like to be known. ‘Cherie’s mate’ is not enough for the woman who wants it all.
If she could choose her own title, what would it be? ‘Consultant and writer in areas of health, fitness and well-being,’ says Carole.
What about one-time topless model and Peter Foster’s former lover, instead?
‘
Touched By Genius
‘GENIUS is an overused word, particularly in showbiz circles, but every now and then we all have to recognise that we are in the presence of greatness.
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| ‘I have nothing to declare but my genius’ |
And so it is this week as we turn to OK!’s exclusive interview with ‘sexy singer’ Kym Marsh.
Now, Kym is obviously a very talented young woman – as the one person who turned up to her record signing in Glasgow recently would attest.
But a genius? Surely that is too strong a word for the former member of Hear’Say – despite the fact that she has managed to nab herself a former soap star for a husband.
Indeed it is, for it is not interviewee Kym on whom we bestow the epithet, but interviewer and OK! hack Amanda Rimmer.
And like all true geniuses, it is Amanda’s ability to make a difficult job look effortless that has us fellow hacks in awe.
She is straight into her stride from the very first sentence of the article.
‘Leaving a high-profile band to find success with a solo career is a brave step that only the most talented few manage to pull off,’ she writes.
‘But Kym Marsh, 27, looks set to join that rare breed of artist, following in the footsteps of Justin Timberlake, Robbie Williams and Diana Ross, whose names have become much more famous today than the very bands with which they started their career.’
And it is a level she manages to maintain throughout the interview, for instance following up the question ‘You’ve got a great new image – do you choose everything you wear carefully?’ with the equally incisive ‘You’re in great shape too…’
But it is in the final question that Amanda reveals herself as a cut above her fellow mortals, asking Kym: ‘Is there anything left for you to achieve?’
Whatever this girl earns, it’s not enough…
‘
The Good Samaritan
‘IN the parable of the Good Samaritan, a man has been robbed on the road between Jerusalem and Jericho, beaten, stripped and left for dead.
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| Appearing at the end of a tunnel near you |
First a priest comes across him and walks by on the other side of the road; then a Levite does the same; finally, a Samaritan takes pity on the man, dresses his wounds and takes him on his donkey to a nearby inn.
These days, few of us travel by donkey and still fewer of us know where Samaria is.
So, for a modern version of the parable we turn to OK! and discover that taking the place of the Samaritan is none other than David Beckham, out for a run in the south of France.
The Bible omits most, if not all, of the details about the original Samaritan’s physique, but OK! lets us know that the latter day version was ‘bare-chested, his muscles rippling in the sunshine’ when he came across a stricken scooter rider.
The man had apparently ventured too close to the black Mercedes driven by the England captain’s bodyguard, causing him to swerve and crash into a pile of rocks.
‘Ever the gentleman, David rushed over to help the stricken biker up, checking that he was all right before continuing on his jog – his second of the day,’ OK! says.
Next week, David helps illustrate another Biblical tale, The Parable Of The Rich Fool, and demonstrates how at the recent wedding of Dave Gardner and Davinia Taylor he turned water into a high-energy glucose drink…
‘
Jordan Goes Spare
‘GARETH Gates has denied reports that he was presented with a cake as he celebrated his 19th birthday in a bowling alley in Bangkok.
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| ‘Come out, Gareth. I know you’re in there’ |
‘They are very hurtful to me and my family,’ said the singer (who claims to be only 18 and 376 days old).
‘I don’t know what I have done to upset OK! that it should publish these fabricated pictures of me blowing out the candles and with a bowling ball in my hand.
‘I can honestly say I have never come into contact with a bowling ball or indeed anything resembling it in my life.’
Not so, says Jordan, who claims that Gareth got his grubby little paws on the fine pair of bowling balls that she calls her chest.
‘Gareth is a coward and a little liar,’ she fumes. ‘He was too scared to own up about it at first, which made me look really stupid.’
And woe betide anyone who makes Jordan look really stupid! That, after all, is her job…
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Affairs Of The Heart
‘JULIA Roberts is now so much a part of the National Enquirer’s staple diet of gossip and sensation that an effigy of her should appear on the magazine’s masthead.
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| Another near death experience |
And the image du jour has Julia clutching her hands to her bosom and shrieking at the top of the lungs. No, she’s not rehearsing for another Oscar – she’s having a heart attack!
The action takes place in Italy, where Julia and Danny Moder are celebrating their first wedding anniversary at Giorgio Armani’s villa on the island of Pantelleria.
Then pains strike and Julia reaches for her chest, gasping for air and writhing in agony.
‘The pain was so bad that Julia turned pale and collapsed on the bed,’ a source says. ‘She was as white as a sheet as she held her chest.’
Danny was concerned she was having a heart attack. ‘Everyone was paralysed with fear,’ says a source.
The doctor was called but no reply. Again they tried to reach him. At the umpteenth time of trying he answered.
By then it was too late. Julia had taken an ‘over-the-counter’ drug and was feeling much better.
It was a miracle! Or was it indigestion?
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Butting Out
‘THINGS are changing at the Enquirer. After weeks of reading about J-Lo and her boring romance with wooden, thick-jawed actor Ben Affleck, the magazine is lining up a replacement.
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| Jennifer Lopez |
‘Move over J-Lo, here come BEYONCE,’ says the headline. The magazine then asks: ‘Are they secret twins?’
The simple answer is ‘No!’, but the magazine wants us to consider the evidence, beginning with that most important talent: arse size.
While Beyonce is 42 inches round the rear, J-Lo is a fuller (surely fatter) 43 inches.
And the amazing facts do not end there! They have both worn white hats (picture evidence supplied); both have 34-inch busts; and both girls have worn shorts, although Beyonce’s were red to Jen’s white.
And more amazingly of all, both girls have bought coats made form the pelts of chinchillas. Cosmic link. We think so!
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