Reviews Category
We don’t just report off-beat news, breaking news and digest the best and worst of the news media analysis and commentary. We give an original take on what happened and why. We add lols, satire, news photos and original content.
Taking It Easy
‘ONE person who knows all about being adored and revered the world over is Prince Edward.
 |
| ”Have you got a brother?” |
This Prince among men will surely be a guiding light to William as he matures, an example of what can happen with hard work and raw talent.
Sadly, Eddie is not available to speak to Hello! being as he is in the middle of the Mediterranean, cruising off the coast of Capri.
And why is Eddie out in the wilds? Because Eddie is a true gent and, hearing how his pregnant wife Sophie was told to take it easy, has taken it upon himself to show her how it’s done – by taking it even easier.
You imagine that if Eddie could have the baby for his wife, he would volunteer. But he can’t, so he’s just going to have to work hard keeping her relaxed and unexcited.
Good job, Eddie.
‘
Crimes Of Fashion
‘IT takes a strong man to say something like: ”Heidi Klum and I are creating something important between us.”
 |
| Why the Klum face, FB? |
But that’s what ”charismatic” Formula One boss Flavio Briatore is: strong.
So strong is he that he laughs at the obvious danger of a middle-aged man wearing red corduroy trousers and a chunky gold bracelet.
He thinks nothing of walking around wearing a hat with ”FB” embroidered on the front.
He guffaws when he sees a pair of monogrammed slipper (FB again) and a shirt with the same initials on the breast.
There is no danger of Flavio forgetting who he is since his name appears on just about everything he owns. Other than the aforesaid Ms Klum, who remains blessedly single.
‘
Who Are You?
‘SINCE it started its Hot Stars magazine, OK! has developed a worrying schizophrenia.
 |
| Former Spice Girl and English soccer player |
While the main magazine remains as sycophantic and fawning as ever, its gossipy sister dares to suggest that not everything in the celebrity garden is rosy.
For instance, OK! follows David and Victoria Beckham to Disneyland, where it says they were ”the star attractions”.
A quick look at the accompanying pictures, however, suggests otherwise as the Yanks pay no attention whatsoever to the publicity-hungry pair.
And in Hot Stars we learn the truth – namely, that people in the States didn’t know who the couple were and cared even less.
”David And Victoria Who?” is the headline to its story of how the Beckhams’ attempt to crack America came unstuck on a wave of public indifference.
”In what was a toe-curling glitch on their Stateside trip, Posh and Becks were turned away from a sports shoe store after they requested that the shop be closed to the public while they browsed its aisles in peace,” it says.
The owner refused their request with the immortal line: ”I have no idea who you are.”
Ignorance, in this case, really is bliss – and the shoe store owner was not alone.
In a survey of 10 celebrity hot spots in New York and Los Angeles, only four venues had heard of the Beckhams.
But back to OK!, where the lack of turning heads in Disneyland is easily explained.
”The great thing about a park to which thousands come every day is that, once standing in the queues for the rides, even a pop star and internationally famous footballing hero can be just like any regular mum and dad,” it explains.
”Other celebrities who have enjoyed family visits to Walt Disney amusement parks include Pierce Brosnan, Sir Steve Redgrave, Kym Marsh, David Seaman, Jonathan Ross, Jordan and Patsy Palmer.”
After all, if Kym Marsh can spend an afternoon in Disneyland without being mobbed, so can anyone.
‘
Dodgy Boats
‘PICTURES and make-up can do people a lot of favours, says Liberty X’s Michelle Heaton – when asked how she likes being a sex symbol.
 |
| The boat that sunk a thousand ships |
The trouble is that even a trowel-ful of make-up and OK!’s top photographer can’t turn a troll into a doll.
Instead, the three Liberty X girls have to resort to the old Atomic Kitten trick of flashing the flesh to distract from the dodgy boats.
And we’re not talking about the gin palaces moored behind them as they pose for photographs in Monte Carlo.
As for the music, Tony Lundon offers hope to fellow flopstars One True Voice – as well as music-lovers everywhere.
”I think any band are two good songs away from a yacht in Monaco for the weekend,” he says, ”or two songs away from getting dropped.”
Here’s hoping…
‘
Chest Expander
‘JODIE Marsh might be taking over Jordan’s mantle as tabloid slapper-in-chief, but the 25-year-old model is not going to give up without a fight.
 |
| More silicon than a Bill Gates convention |
Not only is Jordan planning to embark on a singing career, but she has got a book out this Christmas and is even set to have yet another boob job.
A friend tells OK!’s Hot Stars magazine: ”She sees her boobs as her business and thinks that, to continue her success, they need to be as big as possible.”
The trouble is that plastic surgeons in Britain already think the 32FF monstrosities are as big as possible – and are refusing to carry out the operation.
Plastic surgeon Dr Prakash, who performed the first two boob jobs, said the model already looked ”grotesque and out of proportion”.
So, it looks as if Jordan will have to fly to the United States to have the operation.
No doubt, being the devoted mother that she is, she will be taking son Harvey with her.
And while she’s over there, she may even go shopping for another baby.
”I’ve found out that it’s easier to adopt in Mexico,” she says, ”so that’s something I’m thinking about.
”What I can’t wait for is to have a kid with someone I care about.”
At least, with the new boob job, there will be no problem breast-feeding an extra child.
In fact, she could probably keep half of Mexico in milk for six months…
‘
Maggie’s Den
‘ACCORDING to a source that has spoken with the National Enquirer, Princess Margaret and actor Richard Harris’ similarities stretched further than their both being recently pronounced dead.
 |
| ”And she’d have had that Harry Potter if she’d been around today” |
Harris is seen smoking, a passion the couple shared. But it seems that they also shared a bed.
The story says that the pair enjoyed an ”on-again, off-again” relationship. They first dated in the 1960s and then after a break of some years rekindled the dying embers of their love, and their ciggies, in 1983.
”Richard was quite the ladies’ man and he was known to pals as ‘bonker’,” says an unspecified ”London society source”. Harris, we learn, was a man blessed with a ”voracious sexual appetite”.
He was, though, as with all these things ”discreet” about his relationships.
And since he’s still keeping mum about things, taking secrets to his grave and all that, we’re asked to take his biographer Noel Botham’s word for how his life really was.
According to Botham, ”everyone in London society” knew of the affair. ”It was one of the worst-kept secrets of the ’60s and ’80s.”
To give you the best bits of the gossip that ”everyone” already knows, Harris is also supposed to have bedded, Sophia Lauren, Merle Oberon, Ava Gardner and Vanessa Redgrave.
Notches on Margaret’s bedposts correspond to dates with a ”vindictive small-time actor”, Group Captain Peter Townsend, Antony Armstrong-Jones (the man she was to marry), Robin Douglas-Home, a lesbian love affair with the daughter of a US diplomat, Peter Sellers, Roddy Llewellyn and Mick Jagger.
Other liaisons are available on demand, and besides sleeping with the now deceased Harris, Margaret might also have scored Frank Sinatra, Elvis, Muhammad Ali and the entire 1966 English World Cup winning team.
‘
Love Me Do
‘THIS week’s Enquirer is shaping up into an extravaganza of Brit power. And following the story of the Princess and the actor, we hear of Paul McCartney and his new wife Heather Mills.
 |
| Rich old man kisses younger blonde woman – latest |
The magazine says that the 60-year-old former Beatle is ”deeply hurt” that none of his four adult children bothered to congratulate new wife Heather on her pregnancy.
A picture of Paul hugging Heather’s tummy and doing his open-mouthed pop face, while she pouts to the camera, accompanies the news.
Amazingly, that failed to impress his children, and so too did Paul’s apparent attempts to patch things up by suggesting that daughter Stella organise a baby shower for Heather.
Once more we are stunned to report that the ice has not been broken. An insider even says that Paul’s children ”made a point of snubbing” the honest and down-to-earth Heather.
But not to worry because once he’s got his new child, he can lavish all his attention on it. And the ungrateful foursome can disappear – forever.
‘
Clowning Around
‘WANT to look like a celebrity? Well, if you can’t afford the $400,000 the magazine says it took Demi Moore to look good at 40 then you can paper in the cracks with make-up.
 |
| Kate and Goldie are like two peas in a pod |
A series of photographs show what actresses look like before and after a day in the make-up artiste’s chair.
And Mira Sorvino must put it on with a trowel. As must Kate Hudson, whose ‘before’ shot shows a ‘plain Jane’ type. A few weeks later, with the final layer of powder still moist, Kate is transformed into a ravishing beauty.
Much the same can be said of Drew Barrymore and Goldie Hawn, Kate’s mum, who both need to put on more than a brave face to parade before the cameras.
But take care not to overdo it. Dolly Parton, Cher, Elizabeth Taylor and Kelly Osbourne show what happens when Gaudi takes over from Rembrandt.
‘
Kylie Minogues Suds’ Law
‘KYLIE Minogue has a lot to answer for – and not just because she has turned Britain into a nation of arse obsessives.
 |
| J-El prepares some material for her second album |
When she shrugged off her oily overalls and said goodbye to Ramsay Street in 1988, she opened the door for countless other soap stars who had once been told they could sing to embark on a pop career.
Most, thankfully, hit the rocks almost as soon as they launched – but not before we had spent a fortune on ear-plugs.
Neighbours alone gave us Jason Donovan, Stefan Dennis, Craig McLaughlan, the Blakeney sisters, Holly Valance and, most recently, Delta Goodrem.
EastEnders has given us Nick Berry and Michelle Gayle; Tracy Shaw released a record at the height of her Coronation Street fame; and Emmerdale’s Malandra Burrows once reached No.11 in the charts before sinking back to well-deserved obscurity.
In fact, in a decade and a half of trying, Kylie is still the only soap star successfully to make the transition to pop princess – but still they keep coming.
And the latest in a long and undistinguished line is Brookside’s Jennifer Ellison, who is hoping to storm to the top of the charts by way of a sexy video and an anodyne cover of Transvision Vamp’s 1989 hit, Baby I Don’t Care.
The problem is that Jen does care – she cares so much that she has given up her job on Brookside and signed a five-album deal with Warner EastWest Records.
Given the track record of her predecessors, at least four of the five albums are likely to be photo-albums, filled with shots like the ones in this week’s Hello!
But Jen is nothing if not positive, again quoting Kylie as an example that it can be done.
”I must admit the track record of people going from soap to pop and making a success of it isn’t very good,” she says. ”Even so, it was something I just had to try.”
And she’s not going to stop there in her quest to become the most famous woman on the planet.
”I can’t wait to do a Hollywood movie,” she tells Hello! ”I’ve been asked by 20th Century Fox to take the leading role in an action film as a feisty young blonde.
”Anna Friel started in Brookside and ended up in the United States, so who knows?”
A lot of people have started off in Liverpool, Jen, and ended up in the United States. Most of them happened to be slaves…
But for the moment, Jen is just counting her blessings.
”Sometimes I lie awake at night and think, ‘My God, I’ve got a marvellous house, a lovely car, a great boyfriend and a happy family. Why am I so lucky?”’
Lucky, lucky, lucky…
‘
US And Them
‘WHILE Jennifer Ellison just dreams of taking the United States by storm, David and Victoria Beckham were doing just that.
 |
| Demi worried that the plastic surgeon hadn’t reassembled her correctly |
At least, that’s what Hello! would have us believe – despite the fact that couple’s appearance on stage at the MTV Movie Awards was cut from the version shown to American TV audiences.
The magazine is certainly impressed, however, as the couple ”glided onto the stage hand-in-hand, in gleaming white Dolce & Gabbana outfits and dripping with silver and diamonds”.
But before the assembled guests have time to mutter to each other ”Who are they?”, our attention turns to another celebrity couple – the much-loved Hilton sisters.
Much-loved that is in a Biblical sense.
And, talking of much-loved, isn’t it nice also to see the re-emergence of Demi ”Gimme” Moore, complete with her new £400,000 body and 25-year-old boyfriend Ashton Kutcher?
”There were a lot of famous faces there,” said one guest, ”but everyone kept staring at Demi and Ashton.”
In the brief periods when they weren’t staring at David and Victoria, you mean…
‘
Street Party
‘WHEN Brian Capron got married, the whole street turned up – the whole of Coronation Street, that is.
 |
| ”I take thee, Gail…” |
And just as well because without them, Brian would have had a very lonely wedding to his long-time partner Jacqueline Bucknell at the Portmeirion Hotel.
In fact, before Brian got the part of serial killer Richard Hillman in the Granada soap, one suspects he would have struggled to fill a phone box on his wedding day.
As it was, the guest list for this wedding was very similar to the guest list for Brian’s on-screen wedding to Gail – a fact not lost on Jacqueline.
”I only found out recently that Brian said the full vows when he married Gail,” said the actress, star of the Flash commercials.
”Let’s hope it wasn’t a real registrar, otherwise I’ll be married to a bigamist.”
And let’s hope he’s not a real serial killer, otherwise you won’t be married to a bigamist for very long…’
A Real Character
‘JESSIE Wallace is the sexiest woman in soaps. She is not the sexiest woman in soap, just the sexiest woman in soap operas.
 |
| ”And I look nuffink like ‘er neever!” |
It’s the kind of subtle difference we must hold in mind when we see OK!’s interview with the soap – not soapy – sex symbol.
OK! is keen to press its claim that Jessie is not at all like her soap character, Kat Slater.
”You wonder where on earth she conjures Kat Slater up from,” OK! says. Whereas Kat is a tart-faced slapper, Jessie is ”quietly spoken” and ”sweet-natured”.
Cue the first question: ”Jessie, can you tell us why you were suspended for two months from EastEnders recently?” ”It was just breach of contract,” says Jessie. ”I was late a few times.” Odd for a character far removed from the unruly Kat.
She’s just got to let her true self shine through and not let that loud, brash cow take over. Jessie agrees. ”I’ll end up an old woman smelling of cat’s pee if I’m not careful.”
Demure has nothing on Jessie.
And so we move on, progressing through questions about Jessie’s alleged fight with fellow EastEnder Hannah Waterman, her drinking, how the only position summer lover Andy Burton knew how to do was ”line dancing” and her recent court appearance.
It’s amazing how far removed from the woman she plays on screen she is. For starters, Kat hasn’t been to court.
‘
Aloud And Proud
‘TAKE Kimberley, Nicola, Nadine, Cheryl and Sara, stir them all together in a bag of truly terrible clothes, inject a skilled recording engineer, choreographers and a lighting expert and what do you have?
 |
| How may true voices? |
Yes, that’s right, Girls Aloud.
Of course, there is more to being a popstar than being lucky, lucky, lucky. There’s having a good bum, for one thing. And an ability, as Sara puts it, to ”believe in yourself, be confident and don’t be deterred by anything people might say to you”.
That singing coach who says you carry a tune like a dog carries fleas – forget her. She’s only jealous of your bum.
In any case, you’ve got a sexy image. And you all fancy Justin Timberlake. ”It’s his talent,” says Cheryl. ”He’s not particularly good looking, but there is something about him.”
It’s called charisma, Cheryl. And if you want to know what it is, it’s in the dictionary after char and before court.
‘
That’s Rich
‘IF you’re not that attractive, not that talented but want to get in between the pages of OK!, you’d best be rich.
 |
| ”To die for” – Foxy Loxy |
And that’s what Hannah, Emily and Octavia, three gels of fine stock are – although OK! is at pains to point out that the trio all ”work for a living”.
Hannah writes and appears in magazines, Emily won Fear Factor, a Sky TV show, and Octavia works part-time in a jewellers called Wint & Kidd.
But what they really work at is their wardrobes, which OK! tells the world are ”to die for”.
So expect lots of leather and fur.
‘
Aisle Be Back
‘LIKE planes stacked in a holding pattern above LAX airport, Hollywood’s finest are queuing up to take their turn down the aisle this summer.
 |
| Pam was determined to have a traditional white wedding |
And first up is the most stacked of them all, Pamela Anderson, who is expected to get married for a second time this summer to Kid Rock.
But don’t expect a repeat of Pammie’s beach wedding to Tommy Lee – Kid (real name Bob Ritchie) tells the National Enquirer that it’s going to be a traditional affair.
”It’s going to be a religious ceremony,” he says, ”big white dress, tux and tails, hundreds of guests – comprised of close family and friends – and lots and lots of delicious food.”
And from there it’s straight off to co-star in their first movie together – Pammie Goes On Honeymoon II.
Following Bob and Pam down the aisle are, of course, Ben Affleck and J-Lo (making her third journey in this particular direction), with Hawaii the favourite as a venue.
Coming in to land next are Harrison Ford (also making his third trip down the aisle) and Calista Flockhart; Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro (both for the second time); and Julianne Moore (also making a repeat visit) and Bart Freundlich.
But how many of these couples will be married by this time next year is anyone’s guess – as the Enquirer observes, ”the Hollywood divorce rate is higher than Jennifer Lopez’s bottom line”.
Remember Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, who tied the knot in August and promptly untied it three months later.
And Julia Roberts and Danny Moder, who pledged their eternal love to each other last July and have been wondering whether a year counts as an eternity ever since.
‘
Tom & Nic – The Sequel?
‘IT is no wonder that the gossip mags love Hollywood weddings when they get to report the divorce only a few months later.
 |
| Marriage in 44 of the 50 states |
But only in very special cases do we get the marriage, the divorce and then the remarriage.
But that’s where Tom Cruise and ex-wife Nicole Kidman are heading, according to the Enquirer.
It reckons that pint-sized Tom is on the verge of dumping Latin lover Penelope Cruz – and then nothing would stand in the way of a reunion with his Aussie ex.
A pal of Nicole said: ”She knows she can survive on her own and be just as successful as he is – but, if you ask me, her heart belongs to him.
”I think that if they get together again, everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and rejoice in their great happiness. They might as well try it again.”
That’s not quite enough for us to rush to the church and start ringing the bells, but the Enquirer has more evidence for its claim.
Nicole and Tom spent half of Christmas Day together with their children; she lets his peck her on the cheek when they meet; and at times they hold hands.
Given that there are parts of America where a kiss on the cheek and holding hands actually constitutes a marriage, we’d say Nicole should be thinking about throwing away her heels…
‘
The Silent Killer
‘ONE marriage that is still going strong, despite plentiful rumours to the contrary is that between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston.
 |
| Jen got her protective coat on just in time |
But only just because Jen recently survived a terrifying encounter with an in intruder in her new £14m Hollywood Hills home – mould.
”It was black and thick and really nasty,” a shaken Friends actress said in an interview. ”I had never seen anything that disgusting.”
Well, not since she accidentally walked into Matt Le Blanc’s dressing room while her co-star had his top off.
”I started cleaning it out,” Jen continues, ”than I got very, very sick.”
Fungal expert Dr Eckardt Johanning explains: ”Mould does not discriminate between rich and poor.”
At least not yet – scientists are, as we speak, working on a strain of mould that A-listers like Brad and Jen are immune to.
Next week, the day Meg Ryan came face to face with dust in her living room…
‘
Sins Of The Fathers
‘IT was inevitable that when Prince William gave an interview to the Press Association, Hello! would make less of a meal and more of a ten-course banquet from it.
 |
| Any military genes in your family, Major Hewitt? |
The guts of the interview have been in the public realm for a while now – ”Everybody thinks I drink beer but I actually like cider” – leaving Hello! with the job of gilding the lily.
Volleying off more shots than a pheasant hunt, Hello! blasts readers with picture after picture of Prince Wills in various stages of sublime contentment.
If this were not enough, we are also treated to 21 headshots of the prince, a suitable number for a man who is soon to be 21 years of age – and more than handy for a game of darts.
And as Wills grows to look more like his mother, his brother gets ever more interested in military matters, a favourite pursuit of mummy’s special friend, the ginger love rat James Hewitt.
”Prince Harry’s zest for command and military action clearly shines through,” fawns the magazine’s caption of three pictures of ginger Harry running around with a gun and then firing it.
Harry is then seen taking on the role of parade commander, marching 48 cadets from Eton’s Combined Cadets Force onto the college fields.
It’s enough to make a watching Prince Charles beam with pride – and perhaps wonder whose genes the young chap has inherited…
‘
Cry Me A River
‘HAVE Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston heard that religion is the opium of the masses?
 |
| ”And I baptise you Charlie…” |
The husband and wife singers are shown in a state of spiritual ecstasy as they emerge after a plunge in the Biblical waters of the River Jordan.
Both Whitney and Bobby stand in white robes, heads pointed to the heavens, mouths open in the rictus of frenzied, pained enlightenment. Between them, head bowed, is their ten-year-old daughter Bobbi.
And if we cock an ear to the page we can hear what we imagine to be her private payer: ”When I open my eyes, please let it all have been some horrible nightmare…”
‘
Sven Will I See You Again?
‘WITH Victoria Beckham fighting to be recognised in America, Nancy Dell’Olio is making a bid to be the new top footballers’ wife.
 |
| More Chianti than Chardonnay |
Granted, her beau Sven Goran Eriksson is no longer a player – he is manager of the England national team – but her pout and candour are cast in the mould of Mrs Beckham.
Leaning back against a tree in her native Rome, Nancy offers us the pearl of wisdom that ”the only person you can trust is your partner”.
Trust to do what? Even Hello!’s syrupy tones cannot add much sweetness to the fact that Nancy was married to lawyer Giancarlo Mazza when she fell for Sven.
”Your relationship is a gift,” says Nancy. ”There will be rainstorms but they can make your relationship stronger – and without them love would be easy and not worth having.”
Are we to deduce that she and Giancarlo are just going though something of rough patch, waiting to emerge over the other side in a haze of golden sunlight?
As Nancy says: ”I believe in marriage” – as sure a sign as any that Sven’s days are numbered.
‘
It’s Life, Jim
‘HOW often do we see life imitating art?
 |
| Suranne and Jim in happier days – just after they’d received the OK! cheque |
On EastEnders, Barry Evans is a fat, irritating loser. In real life, actor Shaun Williamson is a fat, irritating loser.
On Coronation Street, Karen’s marriage to Steve McDonald has crumbled; in real life, actress Suranne Jones has broken off her engagement to IT consultant Jim Phelan.
The couple insist that there is no-one else involved and that they have just grown further apart.
Only four months ago the couple were grinning happily from the cover of OK! as they chatted exclusively to the magazine about their plans for the future.
Sadly, however, it seems that the intimate Catholic wedding (with 150 people at most) will never take place; the Coronation Street bridesmaids (Sally Lindsay, Angie Lonsdale and Jenny James) won’t get to put their best frocks on; and Suranne will have to slip the antique engagement ring (”the most beautiful ring I have ever seen in my life”) off her finger.
What will happen to the cheque OK! gave them for the 11-page spread is not so clear.
”We still love each other dearly and it is with deep regret that we have reached the decision to separate, but we share a large group of very close friends and will continue to see each other socially,” they said.
And, who knows? Maybe love will blossom again, Jim will come up with another fairy-tale proposal and once again OK! will be forced to get its chequebook out…
‘
Taking Over The World
‘JIM and Suranne may have failed to make it up the aisle, but it is now almost four years since Posh and Becks tied the knot in ”one of the most magical weddings the world has ever known”.
 |
| Was it really only four years ago? |
The golden couple may have lost out to Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones as the world’s most romantic couple this year, but they are still ”blissfully happy” together.
And to celebrate the fact that their marriage has already lasted longer than both of Jennifer Lopez’s, OK! details the classic moments in the Beckham love story.
And using ”world exclusive pictures” and ”revealing words”, it reports on how the couple ”are achieving world domination”.
”Amazingly, while David is an international megastar,” it says, ”he was virtually unknown in the States until recently.”
But that is all set to change, OK! assures us, after they did an interview with the ABC network.
The editor of US magazine referred to them as ”the British answer to Ben Affleck and J-Lo”, it says, and magazines like The Globe ”went crazy for the loved-up pair”.
Crazy? This is how the Globe described the England football captain…
”A squeaky-voiced soccer player who paints his nails pink, wears a skirt and even wriggles into the sexy panties of his Spice Girl wife”.
Still, OK! thinks it’s only a matter of time before America is obsessed by the couple as it is.
”If it all goes to plan, it looks as though homes across America will also want a piece of David and Victoria,” OK! says.
”And it may not be long before Dollywood and Graceland have to make way for a new theme park – Beckingham Palace USA!”
Helium balloons provided…
‘
Pigs Do Fly
‘FOR the past year, magazines like OK! have been trying to persuade us that there is something inherently interesting about Big Brother porker Jade Goody.
 |
| Goody-no-shoes |
”She may not have won the show,” OK! reminds us, ”but she won a host of admirers – and is expecting a child in July with her model-turned-presenter boyfriend Jeff Brazier.”
In other words, to add to the qualities that we already know of – loudness, stupidity, drunkenness, obesity etc. – we can now add fertility.
With such an array of talents, it is no surprise that Jade has won over the nation’s hearts and is an estimated £400,000 richer than this time last year.
And there is more to come – she is about to appear with quiz show cheat Major Charles Ingram in a programme called Celebrity Wife Swap and is being paid £50,000 for a documentary about her pregnancy.
”No matter what happens,” OK! says, ”it looks like she’s here to stay.”
As, it seems, is the winner of last year’s programme Kate Lawler who runs the rule over this year’s contestants.
Of Gos: ”Every other word is ‘mate’, which is hilarious”; of Anoushka: ”Her walk is wicked!” of Ray: ”His Irish accent is wicked”; of Sissy: ”She’s a DJ, which is a cool job”; and, best of all, of Tania: ”She’s very posh”.’
Pig And Muck
‘THERE are many things that could symbolise America better than the bald eagle or the good ol’ stars and stripes.
 |
| God bless America |
In time to come, when the last eagle has been stuffed and mounted and Old Glory has so many stars on it – what with British and Caribbean inclusion – that it looks like a pincushion, America will look for a new symbol of what they are.
A pair of huge fake breasts will be tried out. The Presidential seal will take on an X-rated tilt, so soon be done away with in favour of a hamburger, a Stetson hat or a semi-automatic weapon in a handbag.
But this week’s National Enquirer has come up with an alternative image that seems to epitomise all that is good and bad with American life.
The entire episode runs as follows. ”Following dinner at Del Frisco’s Steak House, the hotblooded gals returned to Anna’s house, where they kicked her pet pig out of the bed and plunged into an all-night marathon lovemaking session.”
Refine now that image with the buxom charms of Anna Nicole Smith, married at the time to 86-year-old billionaire oilman J. Howard Marshall, and former nurse’s assistant Sandi Powledge.
Is this not a picture that shows how in America you can be whatever you want to be – and if you want to make it with a large porcine beast, then so be it?
And that goes for her pet pig, too.
‘
Facing Up To Fat
‘UNLESS you are a tub, being called ”tubby” is rarely a good thing. But it’s the word used by the Enquirer to describe the woman who sank one huge ship: Kate Winslet.
 |
| ”And here’s the face I eat chocolate with…” |
The only lucky break is that the magazine says that Kate only used to be tubby and having lost a ”whopping” 56 pounds using a diet based on her facial features, is now as slim as any other Hollywood type.
The face diet is the master plan of nutritionist Elizabeth Gibaud, who has identified six basic face types, each of which commands a different set of nutritional needs.
The half dozen faces are not listed but as a rule of thumb, if you have a fat face, then you should try to eat less and exercise more.
‘
