Royal Family Category
The Royal Family, the House of Windsor, in the news and on a horse
Her Majesty The Queen Runs One Up The Poles
DON’T mention the war in Buckingham Palace where the Germans and the Poles are sitting down to Tiffin.
This is “BUCKSKI PALACE”, the Star’s insight into life in the Queen’s gilded cage.
News is that that Her Majesty is actively looking for Poles to perform butler duties in the family’s inner-city council house.
A combination of low pay and cramped accommodation have failed to secure British servants; the job outweighing the chance to watch Her Majesty eat cereal and arrange her collection of night sights and silencers in order of effectiveness.
The Star says this staffing crisis has been compounded by a string of Palace butlers being wooed by wealthy Americans.
A former royal lackey tells us: “For anyone who has just arrived off a coach at Victoria from Bucharest or Warsaw and wants accommodation it’s a great job.” Indeed, it’s the gateway to a new life in the United States.
The UK truly is the land of opportunity. And who knows, if you Europeans have a German relative, you could find yourself moving from Downstairs to Upstairs…
Posted: 24th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)
Children In Crisis: Princess Beatrice And Sarah Ferguson Walk The Walk
PRINCESS Beatrice is on the cover of the Telegraph. She is in attendance at the finale of London Fashion Week.
Models are big news. And teenage Beatrice should take care to eat and stay away from predatory older men.
Luckily, Beatrice is not alone, but chaperoned to the event by her mother, the Duchess of York.
As the pictures show, Fergie did not want to upstage her daughter nor embarrass her in any way and adopted the part of Beatrice’s invisible shadow.
Stood on the runway, Beatrice appears as a blip on London’s “style radar” clad in a long black dress with shoulder straps.
To her left might be a mirror, as Fergie (identified by the Telegraph’s keen spotter) stands equally attired.
For purposes of subterfuge, Fergie goes as far as adopting her daughter’s hair style and necklace.
The do goes well. Beatrice loses no weight and does not develop a cocaine habit.
It is a success. And the charity aided by Beatrice’s appearance – Children In Crisis (!) – profits immeasurably.
Posted: 21st, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (4)
Royal Family: The Key To Their Longevity Revealed
“COULD the waters of Balmoral be the key to royal longevity,” asks the Mail.
Monarchists to the quick, we have thought the Royal Family’s staying power a product of our support, well-padded chairs and the pickling properties of gin.
But might it be the water? Did the Queen Mother last so long because she chose to spruce up her morning livener with a dash of thread? Were it not for water would the Windors be living in Vienna, appearing exclusively in the pages on Hello! and at the Golden Rose of Montreux?
And this is not just any water. The mineral water that rises from a spring on the edge of the Balmoral estate has been tested.
And it is the very elixir of life. The spring water is shown to ease the affects of arthritis (moreover the Queen’s secretary who signs letters on Her behalf and Andrew’s putter polisher) and protects against “fee radicals” and other republicans.
And you can buy it. The paper says the waters are sold to the masses as Deeside Natural Mineral water, under the auspices of Prince Charles’ Duchy Originals brand.
But you might need to buy a lot of it. As reported, the water has been shown to increase the number of “microscopically small passes”, said to be “key” to the nourishment of the outer lawyer of skin.
When bathed in, the water increased this outer skin lawyer by a fifth.
Asses milk sales are sure to plummet as Britain goes bonkers for water.
But we must tread with caution. As the Royal Family shows, the water is good for skin, but you should avoid washing your teeth in it…
Posted: 18th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)
Prince Harry Is Off His Face On Cake
WHAT’S that white substance on the tip of Prince Harry Baseball Caps nose?
Minds buzz with possibilities as we see the picture in the Mirror and read in the Mail that Jodie Kidd, “the model with royal friends”, is facing “extraordinary allegations” that she helped supply cocaine to a businessman interested in backing polo venture.
Jodie Kidd is, as the Mail reports, the face of Marks & Spencer’s credit card.
The model is alleged to have told the businessman that she could attract royals to the business. It is alleged she said: “Prince Harry is very good. I’ll try to speak with Harry about it.”
Mindful of this, we return to the Mirror’s Harry exclusive. And we look closer. And we see that what’s on the end of Harry’s nose is cake.
Might well you gasp. But cake is no street slang for crack cocaine. Cake is a food that many, such as Harry, use to celebrate a birthday.
This is Harry’s 23rd birthday bash. Harry is at the Vine Tree Pub, near Highgrove.
“Hiccy burpday!” says the Mirror.
As the Mail notes, Ms Kidd was once the epitome of “heroin chic”. And was not at Harry’s birthday party…
Pic: The Spine
Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)
Queen Elizabeth’s Order Of The Bath
HER Majesty the Queen is nothing if she is not fragrant.
And we journey with the Sun to the rooms of Fax Hill Primary School in Notting Hill, West London.
A courtier is said to have children at the school. And in the course of their duties, Elizabeth did happen to purchase some raffle tickets.
And now to the draw. And we have a winner.
Sadly, in the best traditions of starry awards do, the winner in unable to attend, such are the pressures of the television schedules and so firth (it’s Kirsty’s Home Videos at 8pm.)
But she has been notified. And the Sun reports that she is now in possession of two bars of soap and a vial of bath oil.
A source at Buckingham Palace says: “This is not the first time the Queen has taken part in raffles… She loves to relax in the bath and I am sure she will be looking forward to getting her hands on the windfall.”
Let’s hope Elizabeth gets it in time for the Duke of York’s visit to Slovenia. Clean hands across the seas, as it were…
Posted: 17th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)
All The Nice Gels Want To Be Camilla
IS there a change of policy at the Express? We ask in light of the sensation that the paper’s story on Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, includes not one mention of Princess Diana.
There is no mention of Camilla’s battered white Fiat Uno, her tampon with nightsight nor her sharpened, poison-tipped fags.
The Express just watches Camilla go back to her alma mater, Queen’s Gate School in South Kensington. And sees her “hailed a heroine”.
Camilla is said to have spent her school days – she scored one O-Level – on the roof smoking illicit cigarettes.
Says Camilla to the gels: “I used to go back home for weekends. Sometimes I used to not go back on Sunday night and miss the Monday.”
Camilla goes to the science lab and notes that “They’ve got bars on the windows so you can’t get out.”
Camilla is wearing a “Robinson Valentine cornflower blue raw silk suit”.
Camilla is cheered. Camilla is what schoolgirls with any ounce of cool want to be – not quite as dense as Shy Di and able to blow smoke rings…
Posted: 14th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Chelsy Davy And Kate Middleton In Colour
DID Princess Diana ever wear black and white stripes?
While the Sun’s researcher looks through the archives, the paper produces a picture of Chelsy Davy and Kate Middleton in such a mode.
The girls are dating Prince Harry and Prince William, respectively and exclusively, and are “in lines to the throne”.
Chelsy is an bandeau dress and in the Mahiki club, London. Kate is in a knitted dress in a trade fair in West London.
The Sun wonders “What’s black and white and red all over”. It supplies no answer, leading readers to guess between a) a penguin in a penguin suit, b) Jonathan Ross’s newspaper column, and c) Michael Jackson.
The Mirror, however, focuses less on the dress and more on Chelsy’s face. This is “Chelsy Dazey” leaving the aforesaid club at 2.30am.
She jumps into a black cap with grey seats and red piping…
Posted: 13th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)
Princess Diana: Print And Keep This Lest Something Should Happen
“DIANA DEATH,” announces the Express on its cover page. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
“NOW 6,000 pages of key files vanish from French court.”
We would urge one and all not to panic. There are now in excess of several hundred thousand official files on Princess Diana and no less then nine million unofficial ones.
But the Express is not listening. It has set its mind on recording in triplicate every word ever spoken and written by Diana and about Diana. For fear of ‘losing’ them, each day the paper publishes extracts as a matter of public record. Readers should keep them all in secret place lest something happen to the Express.
And the paper wants to know where the 6,000-page dossier has gone? And it wants its readers to help.
“Is there something fishy going on in the Diana inquiry,” the Express asks in it daily phone poll. Does Jordan sleep on her back?
And readers learn of the disappearance of a “highly-sensitive” dossier. It has “vanished” amid circumstances “mysterious”.
The files contain “every shred of evidence compiled over 18 months during a £6.4million inquiry”.
Says Mohammed Al Fayed: “I have heard reports about this and it gives cause for concern. I await the official response.”
A British lawyer says: “It is scarcely believable that such evidence could be lost just weeks before the inquest.”
Indeed so. But happily the British police have a photocopy of this dossier. And they have their own one, too, known as the Paget Report. This 832-page report was compiled by Lord Stevens of Kirkwhelpington. It cost £3.69million to produce. It is not as long as the 6,000-page French police report but it might help.
And then there are the back copies of the Express…
Breaking News – As the Mail reports, a French justice official reveals: “We have traced the original file.”
Posted: 6th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (13)
Corgi Capers: Princess Diana’s Fake Bake
“TOMORROW: MY TOP THREE DIANA HAIRSTYLES.”
Diana’s “trusted hairdresser” Richard Dalton (“Trusted” runs the legend beneath his picture), a “Scottish bachelor”, remembers the Princess Diana he observed from a unique angle.
It was Richard who teased Diana’s crown and to whom she came clutching pictures of a young Simon Le Bon.
He recalls the time she tilted her head forward. And she cried.
“I remember when one of the Queen’s corgis went up to her room and started to lick her legs,” says Dalton. “She said: ‘What’s the dog doing up here?’ I said: It’s your mother-in-law’s, it just followed me upstairs.’ Diana barked: ‘Get it out of here it’s licking all my tan off.’ She really was such a fun lady.”
With a tan as golden as her hair…
Those hairstyles tomorrow!
Posted: 4th, September 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)
Princess Diana Was Buried Alive: The Pallbearer’s Tale
WAS Diana buried alive?
We only ask because of the Sun’s front page: “I BURIED DIANA: Pallbearer tells of moment Diana said goodbye.”
Or shouted, more like – those royal coffins are made of pretty thick wood.
But it is we who are being thick. The headline is, of course, suggesting nothing of the sort.
You can understand our confusion, though. We have, after all, spent the past decade reading the Daily Express every day, which means that we have absorbed at least two thousand articles speculating about the true circumstances of the princess’s death.
Today, THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER is at it once more. There on the front page, under the now customary Madeleine McCann story, is the traditional Di murder speculation.
So once again we have the tale of the playboy, his lover, and the Fiat Uno driver. And Jean Claude Mules, the French police officer who ran the initial investigation, reckons the driver dun it.
But the details are neither here nor there. What matters is belief. The crux of the feature lies not in the story itself, which has been lovingly constructed over the flimsy frame of a few quotes.
It lies in a small box headed: “Do you believe that Diana was murdered”
Underneath are phone and text numbers for “Yes” and “No”.
Having reconsidered the Sun’s front page after inhaling deeply of the Express’s noxious fumes, we reckon the answer is probably “yes” – and that undertaker has some serious explaining to do.
Posted: 31st, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (14)
“A Scent Of Corpse”: Camilla Shafted For Princess Diana Memorial Do
YOU might be forgiven for thinking that there are better ways of spending a bank holiday Monday than reading a pile of newspapers.
In fact, you would definitely be forgiven. And we here at Anorak should know – we read ’em all, so that you don’t have to.
Reading this morning’s papers is like walking into a party full of very boring people all discussing the same very boring subject.
And that subject is Camilla’s decision not to attend the memorial service for Princess Diana.
The consensus is that Camilla has done the decent thing – but only after a certain amount of persuasion.
“Camilla not to join Diana ceremony” reports the Guardian, while The Times records “Camilla’s change of heart about Diana service”.
“Duchess bows to pressure from princess’s friends,” declares the Telegraph.
“CAMILLA PULLS OUT ON QUEEN’S ADVICE,” announces the Mail.
“Hate mail fury forces Camilla out,” claims the Sun.
“ABOUT TIME TOO, MA’AM,” huffs the Mirror.
Cam Shafted
Only two papers fail to give the duchess a front-page berth.
There’s no room at the Star, what with Man United, Chanelle and Dannii (of whom more later). Meanwhile the Independent, which once boasted that it refused to indulge in stories about royalty, gives an equally sober report on page 14 – three pages after its double-page feature “LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF DIANA.”
The Keys To The Mystery
This leaves the Express, which can usually be found in a corner, muttering darkly about how Diana was murdered. Ah, there it is, with its front page poking out from behind the Racing Post. There’s a picture of Camilla, and the end of a headline: ‘…car keys had the ‘scent of corpse’”. No, surely not. They can’t be suggesting that she…
Indeed not. The fully exposed page reveals all. The portrait of the duchess is accompanied by a small and discreet caption: “Camilla will NOT attend Diana memorial service.”
So what’s all this about car keys? Oh, just a tastefully restrained front-page mention of “new slurs” about Madeleine McCann’s parents. These, the paper complains, are ‘the latest in a long line of lurid and hurtful stories’. All of which, you can rest assured, will be dutifully repeated in “THE WORLD’S GREATEST NEWSPAPER”.
Happy holidays, readers.
Posted: 27th, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (16)
A Pause: Princess Diana Was Pregnant
“DIANA was nine weeks pregnant when she died.” So says the Express on its front page.
Might this child have lived? Could it be that out there in the greater world is a ten-year-old with tight blonde curly hair, a tilting head and a predisposition for candles?
The Express calls the news “sensational”. And such is the sense of shock that the paper challenges its readers to respond to the question: “Do you believe Diana was pregnant when she died?”
We no longer believe, we know. As the papers says, an investigative journalist “formerly of the reputable Paris Match magazine” has uncovered the “explosive proof” that Diana was with child.
This sleuth is one Chris Lafaille. And he writes: “It is near certainty Diana was nine to 10 weeks pregnant at the time she died.”
Near certain? Having eschewed the phone vote, we now pick up the receiver and dial once for “No” and once again for “Yes”. That’s a maybe. But we suspect Diana was pregnant, possibly with twins, so we dial a further three times for “yes”.
And we wait for Lafaille’s book, Diana: the Inquiry They Never Published to reach the bookshops…
Posted: 23rd, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (24)
Princess Diana Gives Liberty To Asylum Seekers
PRINCESS Diana, Our Lady of the Immaculate Hair-Do (And Clutch Bag) is on the Express’s cover.
“DIANA,” trumpets the headline. “FURY AS HER FUND GIVES MILLIONS TO REFUGEES.”
The Express looks over the books at the Princess Diana Memorial Fund, which is “accused of wasting” £10million to promote the rights of asylum seekers and refugees.
For shame! Diana was the People’s Princess but only for her people. If asylum seekers want help they should get their own princess, like one of the Cheeky Girls. Come over her, take our Princess…
The Express wants it readers with access to a phone and the ability to dial unaided to vote “no” or “yes” to the question” “Should cash from the Diana fund go to asylum seekers?”
Many will be too shocked and saddened to move. And instead read on and learn that the Fund, which has £30million at its disposal, wants to finance schemes to give education, housing and healthcare to asylum seekers.
Plans for a Statue of Diana at Calais ferry port are, for now, misplaced. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,” says Diana, the Colossus. “The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door. Harvey Nics sale now on! Come one, come all.”
Alan Berry, founder of the Dian Appreciation Society, says: “Everyone knows Diana was interested in the issue of landmines, not asylum seekers.”
Sir Andrew Green, chairman of Migration Watch UK, says: “Most asylum seekers turn out to be bogus.”
But all of them turn out to be friends of Diana…
Posted: 20th, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)
The Flag Is Half-Mast: It’s All We Can Muster For Princess Diana
“DIANA: Why won’t the Queen flay the flag at half-mast?”
With her Majesty unavailable or unwilling to comment, the Express asks its readers for direction. “Should flags fly at half-mast for Diana?” (Calls cost 25p a minute plus network operator rates.)
One wonders how any flag can make it even that high up the pole. We suggest all flags are placed in a box, along with the laughter and the joy, and buried at sea.
But in case any Express readers are undecided, the paper offers the gentle prod: “’The flag should be flown at half-mast for Diana…that is what Britain wants.’”
By Britain, the Express means you. This is what you want. No need to phone in now. Save your money. The Express knows already.
It is ten years since Diana ascended to the Sixth Floor of Harvey Nichols and the Express has never flagged in its support for her.
It will lower the flag on its Blackfriars HQ. But the Queen will not do the same. And Diana’s friends are aghast and incandescent with rage.
Simmone Simmons says: “I can’t believe it after everything that has gone on.”
Margaret Funnell, a founding member of the Diana Circle, says: “It’s despicable!…I shall certainly be writing to Gordon Brown to complain.”
And the prime minister is a player in this act. The Department of Culture, Media and Sport decrees that flags should only be flown at half-mast on the day or day after the death of a member of the Royal Family or a major disaster.”
A Palace spokeswoman agrees. A spokesperson for the DCMS says the Queen can override the rules.
We suggest a compromise and the flag is flown at three-quarters height or maybe four-fifths.
But Diana’s brother Earl Spencer is unimpressed. It’s half-mast or nothing. He will flutter the flag at half-mast over the family’s ancestral seat at Althorp in Northamptonshire.
It’s a similar scene over at Harrod’s where Mohammed Al Fayed will fly the flag at half-mast.
Touching stuff. And we wonder if Fayed and Spencer would care to team up and produce a commemorative Diana Flag that only goes half-way up the pole?
Retailing at £9.99, Diana enthusiasts can attach the heart-shaped flag to their car windows, ears and tiaras and cheer Diana on.
It’s just what the country needs to keep going…
Diana: The Sixth Floor At Harvey Nichols Years
Posted: 17th, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (7)
The Death Of Princess Diana Roadshow
FLICK your Princess Diana Commemorative Candle In The Wind Lighters in an excited manner. The Express leads with the headline that promises much: “DIANA: the biggest ever insult to her memory.”
Because the story is interned on Page 9, we have time to speculate on what this insult could be. Diana was a fun person, so let’s have some sport with it. It’s what she would have wanted.
Is the biggest insult?
a) Princess Diana – The Concert 2. Jerry Sadowitz tells a joke about Diana putting her hair in a bun and her **** in a toaster
b) The Princess Diana Stair Bungee- “have fun as you plummet down the Royal flight again and again and again”
c) Paul Burrell
The answer is… The biggest insult is that the Duchess Of Cornwall is to attend the memorial service for Princess Diana. Prince Charles has ordered it and so it must be.
The Diana: A Decade Of Death season will arrive at the Guards Chapel at Wellington Barracks in Birdcage Walk, London, on August 31.
Yes, this is the venue where Camilla married her first husband Andrew Parker Bowles.
Emotions will be running high as memories are triggered. The Express says Camilla risks being “Public Enemy Number One”. She will be seen by some as a “hypocrite”.
“Is Camilla insulting the memory of Diana?” asks the Express. Readers are invited to respond “YES” or “NO” via two phone numbers.
If Diana’s dignity is to be maintained, the Express will rise to the challenge. And it will rise alone…
Vote now and vote often…
For those of you who missed it – this is how to praise Diana:
Posted: 8th, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (8)
Princess Diana Plays Up With George Clooney As Al Fayed
“DIANA,” says the Express. “Fury over Princess’s intimate love boat pictures.”
For this bulletin on the life and afterlife of Diana, the Princess of Hearts wears gold hooped earrings and her blonde hair in a light curl.
“Film of Diana’s last days on love boat ‘is a travesty’,” says another headline.
This development stems on the television show Diana: Last Days Of A Princess. In light of yesterday’s news that ITV was caught faking the advertised death of Malcolm Pointon, 66, a victim of Alzheimer’s, we wonder if Diana is not dead, merely the unwilling victim of a cynical marketing ploy by TV executives.
Sure, the funeral of the celebrity princess was good box office, but this news is something else. The Express tunes into the show and hears it alleged that Diana colluded with the Press to create that picture of her in a clinch with Dodi Fayed.
Diana was in St Tropez. The Express recalls the moment and that Diana was wearing a black and white swimsuit. She stayed a while on the Fayed’s yacht. And sat in the Fayed speedboat.
True Love
Diana did not help with the making of this docudrama, nor Dodi. But actors Genevieve O’Reilly and Patrick Baladi did pretend to be real people in the throes of mad passionate love.
For those of you who have not seen the show, the Operation Paget Report made flesh and gems, the drama is interlaced with contributions from nodding heads, including Dodi’s father Mohamed Al Fayed (“The sanctuary [Diana] found with my family was a tremendous comfort to her”).
The real and the unreal are merged. This was ever so in television. How can it ever be different? Would the audience looking for entertainment stand for the truth, with words left un-adapted to fit the narrative?
But Mohamed al Fayed is unimpressed. “Suggestions that she was simply acting for the Press are clearly untrue,” says he. “Also grotesque was the actor chosen to play me. It is racial caricaturing – and that is insulting. So the producers think that all Egyptians resemble gorillas.”
The answer may be for Fayed to produce his own real version of those events. In his docudrama Princess Diana: She was Fuggin’ Murdered I Tells You, George Clooney could reprise the role of the Fayed patriarch, Matt Damon is his son Dodi, a young Grace Kelly plays Diana and The Royal Family are brought to life by various surviving members of the Third Reich…
Posted: 2nd, August 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comment
Private Moments At Princess Diana’s Funeral Rock
HAS Ricky Gervais finished?
It not often a comic’s brave enough to keep going right through the interval. One thinks of Ken Dodd, who should be concluding his Bournemouth Pavilion show of summer 2005 any month now.
But while Gervais talks, and the crowd close their eyes and connect with Princess Diana, the Sun journeys back stage to see Prince William getting cosy with Kate Middelton.
Bathed in candlelight, washed over by the crowd’s love, Wills and Kates share a table and a drink.
Romance indeed. And as the Mirror notes: “Wills relights love groping her boobs on dancefloor.”
Delightful stuff as to the strains of “R ‘n’ B grooves” Wills grabs a handful of his lover’s chest.
Who knew that William’s trip to Bournemouth’s Elements club where he met Ana Ferreira was part of a plan to sharpen his technique?
William is talking with Joss Stone. “He’s ignoring me!” hisses Kate to a pal. She moves to the dancefloor, “showing off her toned figure in a clingy white lace minidress”. A man appears to get a “little too familiar” and is dragged away by bodyguards.
“Suddenly a sweat-drenched Wills made his move.” No, not the Viennese Waltz or wedding dance bodypop more the “Coo-ee, Over Here!”, as “waving one hand in the air, jumping up and down to the pounding music, the future King grabbed Kate and planted a smacker on her lips.”
Says one onlooker: “He was holding her close from behind and cheekily cupped her breasts. It was pretty X-rated stuff.”
They then drank Mojito cocktails and “kissed passionately”.
But no photos of the grope or the dance because the tabloid press and the paparazzi that Earl Spencer said had “hunted” his sister to her death were doing as William and Harry had asked and focusing on their mother.
Outside, Ricky Gervais was showing Earl Spencer that giving funeral speeches is not all that simple. Unlike the clocks, he doesn’t know when to stop…
Posted: 3rd, July 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (3)
Princess Diana Is Our Rock
ALL that was missing from the Princess Diana Concert was an appearance from the eponymous star of the show.
Diana preferred to watch the celebration of her life and death on the telly at her retreat on the sixth floor of Harvey Nichols, a far better view than that afforded by the cheap seats to the rear of Wembley stadium. And blessedly equipped with a mute button to deal with the over-exposed Ricky Gervais, who brilliantly proved that observational comedy and funeral rock are uneasy bedfellows.
But the Express has eyes only for the Royal Box. Amid a sea of uniformly white faces, sit Prince William and Harry, known in impresario circles and at the BBC as The Two Princes.
To Harry’s right hand is Chelsy Davy, to his left is his brother. William is not with a significant other.
But there one row back and slightly off centre is Kate Middleton. “Wills and Kate so in love at tribute concert,” says the Express. If madly in love means sitting ten seats apart then this is very much the real thing. “THRONE APART,” says the Mirror.
Of course all eyes are on William and who cannot forgive he and his lover trying to dampen the fires of marriage speculation by playing it cool. The Express zooms in on William. William gestures at Kate. And 63,000 people execute a Mexican wave. As we say, all eyes are on William.
This is William in “BOOGIE ONE-DERLAND” (Sun). “I WANT YOU BACK,” says the Sun. “Kate sings Take That lyric after 12:30am Wills tryst.”
The Sun watches various cars and lackeys come and go and hears a “witness” say: “It was clear Kate and Williams had put together a plan to that the meeting could be kept a secret.”
Or not…
Posted: 2nd, July 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (48)
Where Were You When Diana Was Dead Ten Years?
IN years to come, people will ask: “What did you do? Where were you on the day the county celebrated ten years since Princess Diana’s death?”
And anyone worth their salty tears will say they were at Althorp house, paying their respects to the Princess of Hearts.
The Express is proud to announce on its front page that this is the first chance fans have been given to pay respects at Diana’s graveside.
Diana is, of course, buried on an island amid a pool of water at Althorp.
But this is not the first time fans can visit the grave, rather it is the first time they can do so for free and on the day of her death. In the interests of taste, Diana’s brother, Earl Spencer, who owns the Diana theme park, will not charge for worship. He will hand out free tickets.
Whaoh! Steady on. Don’t all rush. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the Express is not giving out these tickets in a raffle, not the chance to find a golden ticket in an official Diana chocolate figurine and no tickets to anyone who can best complete the following line in one word of fewer: “Diana was killed by the Establishment because she was so very…”
These vouchers have already been dished out. Congratulations to all of you who have one in your possession, and well done for saving the tokens.
But never fear, the ticketless can still celebrate in your own way, with a gutting candle, an Elton John CD and Anorak’s limited edition DVD ‘I Wept For Diana – And I’m Still Weeping”…
Posted: 25th, June 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (15)
Princess Diana: D’Yer Wanna Know A Secret Tina Brown And Al Fayed?
PRINCESS Diana is back.
As the Express says: “DIANA: SPIES EVIDENCE IS KEPT SECRET.”
A Secret Diana case… How so? Former Vanity Fair editor Tina Brown has just penned “The Diana Chronicles”, the last world on Diana’s lips. “I’m very well-sourced in the book in the sense that I did 225 new interviews, and many of those were really insiders in the royal circle,” says Brown.
It truly is amazing how sad, lonely Diana managed to pick up so many pals, all willing to recall that telling moment when the People’s Princess put a lump of sugar in her tea, her hair in a bun and wondered if the critics were wrong after all and you can wear brown in town.
But we do not yet know all. We may never know it all. But the Express will never rest until it gets to the truth, whether it takes another decade of probing.
Today’s news is that “vital witness statements from British secret service agents about the death of Princess Diana could never be revealed”.
The Express says the Secret Intelligence Service, MI6, is a “clandestine” outfit. It says that unless the coroner presiding over the inquest into Diana’s death says these testimonies should be disclosed, they won’t be.
Lord Justice Scott says he will allow all interested parties to look over the SIS papers. But they would need to sign a document ensuing they did not mention their contents in court.
So they are not that secret after all. And anyone who has heard the theories of Al Fayed, father to Dodi Fayed, who died in that crash with Diana, will wonder how the man will resist broadcasting the documents’ contents from the roof of his corner shop.
The Express says Al Fayed believes Diana and his son were murdered by the Establishment. And that if these sensational documents, worthy of front-page news, reveal anything about the matter, he will remain mute, bound to silence by a contract.
Al Fayed would do well to seek advice. “Should the Diana secrets be made public?” asks the Express, inviting readers with access to a telephone to reply “YES, they killed ‘er I tells ye, killed her with their bare ‘ands!” or “NO, I read the Express for the horoscopes”.
The answer may well dictate what Al Fayed does, whether he keeps any sensation to himself or tells the world…
Posted: 21st, June 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)
Princess Diana Could Have Saved In Time For Her Jubilee
“DIANA’S LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED SAYS DOCTOR,” announces the Express’s front page.
This is the “death crash sensation”.
The paper hears from Dr James Colthurst, an independent medical man. It’s been ten years since Diana forgot to put on her seatbelt, and Colthurst, 50, may not be around to mark Diana’s silver jubilee.
The time is ripe for him to tell us: “My belief is that had Diana been moved more quickly, the surgeons may have had a better chance.”
Dr Colthurst was not at the crash scene. He was not at the hospital. He did not operate on Diana. But he knows. And he tells us: “Her injuries of course were very serious, but there were delays in addressing those injuries that, to my mind, could have been critical.”
Always good to get a second opinion; better, of course, to get it while the patient is still alive. But things do not always go to plan. And not every doctor has a decade to cogitate and deliberate the facts.
But Colthurst is not alone in his opinion. A Dr John Ochsner pins a copy of the Express to his X-Ray light box and notes: “Given that she was still alive after nearly two hours, had they got her there in an hour they could have saved her.”
A Dr David Wasserman licks the end of his tongue compressor, holds it to the wind and tells us: “If they had got her to the operating room sooner, she would have had a far greater chance.”
A Dr Stephen Ramee tells us of “scoop and run”, in which the patient and their assorted spillage is stabilised and then moved by helicopter to a centre where surgery can be performed.
Sadly, he fails to tell us how a helicopter can get into a tunnel. But he and the other medical minds have fifteen years to think about it and get back to us.
Posted: 18th, June 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (2)
Princess Diana’s Private Function With David Beckham
PRINCESS Diana is getting ready to rock. (Pic: Beau Bo D’Or)
“Hopefully it would be one of those things she would adore because the whole point is this is for her – it’s for no other reason,” says Prince William in the Mirror.
Of course, the Prince means to say the concert celebrating ten years since Diana died, a decade of Daily Express headlines, conspiracy theories and Al Fayed vomit-n-cuff shirts, is for the people, Diana’s people.
But if it is only is for Diana, then so be it. So long as the people pay, they are invited to the private show.
This may stick in the craw with some who realise that no guest paid to attend HRH Prince Azim of Brunei’s 25th birthday party, where Michael Jackson appeared. Our advice to the selfish and ungrateful is to view their outlay at the turnstiles as a present to their idol. Prince Azim got gold watches and diamond-encrusted flamingos and book tokens at his do; Diana prefers cash.
And it promises to be quite a show. Duran Duran, Sarah Brightman, Donny Osmond, Jason Donavon and a special medley by Andrew Lloyd Webber will make this the funeral show of the year.
And then there’s David Beckham. The Suns says that he will dribble on stage and introduce one of the acts.
An “insider” tells us: “He’s like the People’s King… And for Beckham it is excellent exposure for him in America right before his move to LA.”
And there was William thinking it was all for Diana…
Posted: 15th, June 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (6)
Princess Diana’s Stolen Photos?
PRINCESS Diana is smiling.
Today, Diana is wearing a black gown, pearl and sapphire choker, pearl drop earrings and a smile.
It is good to know that with in the maelstrom of changing fashions, Diana’s look remains as constant as her position on the Express’ front page.
And what news of Diana? In “DIANA DEATH PHOTOS SHOWN,” the paper is to investigate how “disturbing images” of Diana’s final moments were made public.
We look anew at the Express’ front-page picture. And wonder if this is such a photo? Is this how Diana looked in her final moments, maintaining poise and purpose as the flashbulbs popped?
The story is that “secret agents” have been linked with “conspiracy plots” surrounding Diana’s death.
An unnamed lawyer tells us: “There is no doubt that the secret services would have every reason to steal the photographs and then distribute them, causing maximum upset and confusion.”
Oh?
“They want to make out that Diana died from a simple road accident, but most people know the truth is far more complicated.”
Most people. Not those people who read the French report into the case. Not those people who read Lord Stevens’ report. Not most people who have read the stories form themselves. Not them. They believe what they are told.
The Express concerns itself with the most people who know the real story. The most people who can see past the facts and into the heart of the matter. The most people who can’t believe Diana died in anything as mundane as a car accident.
Those people…
Posted: 11th, June 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (12)
Princess Diana Says Belt Up In Car Safety Drive
THERE now follows a health and safety announcement about not wearing a seatbelt when travelling by motor vehicle, starring Princess Diana and assorted persons.
Diana: The Witnesses in the Tunnel, as broadcast on Channel 4, will shock.
As the Observer reports, viewers will be jerked from their comfort zone by graphic images of Princess Diana receiving oxygen from a French doctor, Frederic Mailliez. Diana has been involved in traffic accident and been thrown forward into the footwell behind the driver’s seat.
Patrick Jephson, Diana’s former private secretary, is appalled. “’I’m profoundly shocked,” says he.
Anthony Holden, Observer critic, Diana friend and biographer of the princess, is just as shocked: “It’s grossly intrusive and beyond the bounds of anything remotely tasteful, and will no doubt upset her sons enormously.”
People never tire of Diana, as they never tire of talking on behalf of her sons. But what if Diana’s death can prevent others from travelling without seatbelts? Might some good come of the tragedy?
Lord St John of Fawsley, a friend of Diana and a founding director of Sky TV, says Channel 4’s broadcast is “terrible”. “They certainly shouldn’t be subsidised publicly to follow up such causes. The best thing that could happen is that their public funding be taken away instead of going towards programmes like this.”
And: “I thought Diana was going to be left in peace, but Channel 4 is doing this for ratings or commercial gain and it’s really horrible.”
Diana will never be left in peace. Not until we get the message on seatbelts.
Not while so many of her friends and admirers are willing to step forward and tell the media about their shock and dismay.
And not when the tenth anniversary of her death is being celebrated in a Concert for Diana…
Posted: 27th, May 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (23)
Camilla Will Never Be Queen Nor Princess Of Hearts
THE debate on whether Prince Charles should be King has shifted and readers are now asked to contemplate the full majesty of Queen Camilla.
Of course, before we go on we should say the current regent, Elizabeth, is in rude health. There is every reason to believe that with the right power supply and hardwood teeth Liz can go on for many decades, as her mother did.
Queen Camilla may never occur. And any chance that it will is dashed by the Express. The paper has conducted a poll of its readers and in response to the Question “Would you like the woman who as good as killed Princess Diana to be our Queen” 90% answered to the negative.
Camilla should not feel too down, and refrain from chucking herself down the stairs or seeking comfort in the arms of the nearest man.
The Express holds phone polls for the same reason that Saddam Hussein used to hold the occasional election – not to provide an objective measure of public opinion, but to see how close to 100% of the vote they could get.
Unlike Saddam, however, the papers never quite get the result they want – there’s always a few readers who misunderstand the question, dial the wrong number or are just plain bloody-minded.
But undeterred, the Express concludes on its front page: “Poll shows she will never find a place in the nation’s heart.” Was it not Camilla and Charles “whose adultery ruined the life of Princess Diana”?
No vote is required to answer that question. The Express jumps in says it was. And just in case Camilla has not got the message that we don’t want her sort round here, the paper says in another headline: “Camilla should reject the idea of ever being Queen.”
The words are taken from a quote supplied by Alan Berry, co-founder of the Diana Appreciation Society. Says Berry: “What they did to Diana during her short lifetime is a dreadful indictment of Charles’s lack of moral fibre and Camilla’s ruthless ambition.”
But what do we do with them if not make them King and Queen?
Can we sell them to a country in need of a ruling class, like the French or Ukrainians? Or should they be made to work for a living? You can see the advert now:
Camilla (emerging from battered Fiat Uno, her legs encased in white jodhpurs): Cackles
Charles: (muffled) There’ll be no more sobbing/ When he starts throbbing
Camilla and Charles: When the red red robin comes/ Bob bob bobbing along, along
Advertiser’s Voice: (Prince Edward): The new Royal tampon, by appointment.
Fade with Bryan Ferry’s ‘I’m in with the in crowd…’
Posted: 22nd, May 2007 | In: Royal Family | Comments (23)
