Hoff With His Head

“DI TRIED TO HAVE IT HOFF WITH ME,” says the Star’s front-page headline, a story based on the life and times of David Hasselhoff.

Can it be that the man who brought the Berlin Wall a-tumblin’ down was once propositioned by our Princess of Hearts?

If shy Di were alive today to read this her face would surely blush as red as a Baywatch swimsuit.

And we too find is hard not to redden at the thought of Di and The Hoff in a clinch.

But The Hoff does not lie. And here he tells all. He says that when he and Di met in 1993, there were “sparks” between them.

Though both were married at the time, they each sensed an attraction. And “if circumstances had been different” they would surely have succumbed to their primal urges.

Dave remembers other parts of their conversation.
Diana: “You look much better with your clothes on.
Hoff: Well, Ma’am, so do you.

How they laughed. And, like Lycra swimsuits over a toned and tanned physique, laughter is a more than decent aphrodisiac.

But The Hoff is about so much more than comedy. As he says: “She was smitten with me since I am tall. I was smitten with her since she was so tall.”

Of come, come Dave. There is more to you then mere inches. Sure, at 6ft 4in, you can jump a shark in a single bound, but it’s hard to escape your acting ability, singing voice and impact on international politics.

And your line-free brow. As the Hoff says: “I’ve had Botox, but everyone has. It completely takes out the frown. I take pride in that because I look great.”

And good enough for a Princess…

Posted: 14th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Pay For Bill Clinton

Paying For Bill

Bill Clinton, former President of the USA and friend to interns, will earn £700,000 for a series of three speeches he will deliver in London and Dublin. A ticket to hear Bill speak costs between £60 and £300. Wealthy individuals have paid £1,000 a head to hear him talk at the Fortune Forum Summit.

Paper Fortune

Shadow Chancellor George Osbourne has spent £2million on a house in London. Mr Osbourne is heir to the Osbourne & Little wallpaper fortune. Which is nice.

The Walls

The house where recently deceased Pink Floyd rocker Syd Barrett spent the last 25 years of his life is for sale. The three-bedroom home is Cambridge is on the market for £300,000. The house features a door handle Syd made from a toy hippo.

Posted: 13th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Why The Butlers War

THIS is war.

On one side is the Daily Mail, friend to the weeping Rock that is Paul Burrell.

Paul has a new Princess Diana book out. In this tome, Princess Diana flies into Paul’s arms on a pair of gossamer wings and ask him why all men are not like him. She then crowns Paul Miss Universe. There is much crying. (We confess that we have not read the book and our review is based on educated guesswork.)

Today Paul is on the front page of the Mail. “BURRELL BLAST AT THE PRINCES,” says the front page. “I’m still in the corner waving my flag,” says he. “Who else is? The Royal Family aren’t, her ex-husband isn’t and sadly her children aren’t. “

But you are not alone, Paul. And looking past the Mail’s serialisation of another Diana-sponsored tome (Diana by Sarah Bradford, the Queen’s biographer – which should not be confused with Diana, Princess of Wales by Meredith Etherington-Smith, The Real Diana by Colin Campbell, Diana: The People’s Princess and many many more,) we see the Daily Express.

Like Burrell, the paper is sat in the corner. It too waves a flag. And it says “Sale Now On. Harrod’s mid season sale.” Another flag, this one modelled on the paper’s front page says: “DIANA WAS SO MUCH IN LOVE.”

And not just with Paul Burrell. No. Diana was so in love with Dodi Fayed. “Champagne was on ice to celebrate her engagement the night he died, says butler.”

No. Not Paul. He says no such thing. There’s a new butler in town. And his name is Rene Delorm (co-author of Diana & Dodi: A Love Story).

“He [Dodi] showed me this magnificent ring, all diamonds,” says Rene, Dodi Fayed’s butler. Dodi was all set to propose to his – and our – beloved princess.

But Paul Burrell told us Dian and Dodi were not to be married? “Paul Burrell is a liar,” says Rene. “He was not in the picture for Diana’s future.”

And now we at war. It’s butler versus butler. Rock versus roche. They are going head to head until all that’s left is so much dust.

Posted: 12th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment (1)

Hasselhoff’s Belt Tightening

The Godfather With Soul

While being driven though a rundown area of Atlanta, Georgia, Godfather of Soul James Brown told his chauffeur to pull over. He then handed out $2,000 to a bunch of homeless people, making them promise not to spend it on booze or drugs. Which – shock of shocks – they did.

Money Watch

A look now at David ‘The Hoff’s’ Hasselhoff’s divorce from Pamela Bach. According to the National Enquirer, both parties have agreed to take a$27,000 a month from the pot to pay for cell phones, vets bills and cars. In the month of July 2006, the Hasselhoffs spent: $931.09 on phone bills, $1,225.75 for 16-year-old daughter Taylor Ann’s Land Rover, $10,900 a month on David’s bachelor pad and $740 a month on gardening. Doesn’t look like The Hoff needs to tighten his belt just yet – althogh he could if he wanted to…

Produced by Anorak for Virgin.net – copyright Virgin.net

Posted: 12th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Dear Paris Hilton

Money For Nothing

Sven Goran Eriksson is still being paid £13,000 a day by the Football Association – despite losing his job as England football manager over two months ago. And under the terms of his contract he will receive a further £3.2million this season if he fails to secure another job. Nice no work if you can get it.

No Room For Hilton

Paris Hilton was all set to appear on Charlotte Church’s new chat show The Charlotte Church Show. But when she asked for £350,000 appearance money, the date was cancelled. She doesn’t come cheap.

Carey Street

Preparing for her concert in New York, there was a knock at Mariah Carey’s dressing room door. “We were sent by private jet to deliver this gift,” said an envoy representing the Sultan of Brunei’s son Prince Azim. The singer was duly presented with an eight-carat flawless diamond and platinum necklace and a matching ring worth £3million. And some garage forecourt carnations from Anorak.

Big W******!

Big Brother winner Pete Bennett has signed a £1million book deal. Pete’s story will reveal what it’s like to live with Tourette’s syndrome. “It’s amazing to be working on my story,” says Pete. The book’s title is unknown, but “W******!” is a favourite.

Some Like It Haunted

Cat Deeley has spent £2million on the Hollywood mansion once lived in by Marilyn Monroe. It was the house where the screen icon was found naked and dead on her bed in 1962. And it might be haunted.

Shoe-business

The British are coming – and they’re wearing period costume and stripper’s shoes. Dame Helen Mirren has won an Emmy for Best Actress In a Mini Series or Movie for her performance in Elizabeth I. “My biggest triumph is not falling arse over tit,” said she collecting her gong. “If you saw the shoes I had on you’d understand.” The shoes cost Helen $49.99 on Hollywood Boulevard, and add an extra six inches to her legs.

Nice In Nice

Rod Stewart has spent £3.5million on a villa in the south of France, near Nice. The pad has four bedrooms, a swimming pool, Jacuzzi, gym and home cinema. Rod is spending £70,000 on renovations.

Royal Budgets

Are times hard for Princess Michael of Kent, aka Princess Pushy, and her husband? The royals were spotted travelling by budget airline easyJet from Palma, Majorca, to Gatwick. The Kents bought plastic-wrapped sandwiches and, according to the Daily Mail, shared a packet of Maltesers.

Mrs & Mrs average

The average British salary is £28.941. Company bosses earn the most (£171,509), followed by doctors (£81,744) and brokers (£80,233). The lowest earners are theme park attendants (£10,420).

No Romance Without Finance

A Survey by National Savings and Investments found that men regard a woman who earns £42,000 as successful. While women consider a man wealthy if he earns £50,000. Forty-five per cent of women said a good bank balance was their top priority when looking for a partner.

copyright virgin.net

Anorak UK Ltd

Posted: 5th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Princess Di’s Rocks

PROFESSIONAL jealousy among rocks?

Nothing of it. Paul Burrell surely knows there can be only true rock in Diana’s life. And when he says that the rocks Dodi Fayed gave Princess Diana “meant nothing”, we believe him.

Not all rocks can talk, which is why we are grateful that Burrell uses the front page of the Mail to tell the world “Dodi did give Diana a ring – but it meant nothing and I can prove it.”

Expecting to hear Burrell in conversation with the ring – rocko-a-rocko – we turn the pages.

“SOLVED,” says the Mail. “Riddle of the ring Dodi gave to Diana.” Readers get a look at the £3,000 Bulgari yellow band with diamonds Burrell says he was handed in the Paris hospital room where Diana’s body was taken.

What then passed between rock and ring is now on matter of public record as the royal butler “REVEALS HIS LAST SECRET” in his latest book: “Diana, The Way We Were.

“She made it clear this was not an engagement ring,” writes Burrell (to be played by a young Robert Redford in the film of the book). “She said how romantic he had been and giggled with relief that the ring had not been more significant.” (Ditto Barbra Streisand.)

And it was not significant – it was insignificant. Burrell is keen to tell us that he pressed Diana to wear the ring on her right hand as a friendship ring – not on her left hand as engagement ring.”

Burrell relives the moment in the La Pitie-Salpetriere hospital in Paris. Nurse Beatrice Humbert approaches. “I think you should have this,” she says in “broken English.

Something was pressed into Burrell’s hand. “I opened my hand and there was the gold band the Princess had told me about two days earlier,” he writes.

“It was very plain and it didn’t strike me as custom-made as it was designed to adjust to fit any finger. That alone emphasises its lack of significance.” The rocks were “tiny pave diamonds”.

Pah! There can be only one rock. The rest are mere loose chippings and pebbles with delusions of grandeur.

As we say, Burrell has no reason to be jealous…

Anorak

Posted: 4th, September 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Questions?

“THE DIANA DOSSIER.” What’s that then? Why’s it’s “a unique insight into the many unanswered questions which still surround the death of the People’s Princess”.

And to give this priceless document a name we choose to call it “THE DAILY EXPRESS”.

And the news begins thus: “The Alma Bridge which spans the river Seine in Paris is a lively spot.”

In an instant we are in the opening scenes to an American made-for-TV movie. Paris looks remarkable clean and free of the myriad dog turds that little its uneven streets.

The French are insouciant, chic and canoodling in the midday sun. Burning cars and gangs of unattractive, surly youth are way out to shot.

And we are at the Alma Bridge. “Near its southern end, the government offices of the Quai d’Orsay jostle against the ateliers of famous couturiers.”

Never mind that all the best designers are in London, or that buildings only ever jostle one another in an earthquake. This is the Paris of fantasy. It is the Paris where Princess Diana is about to make her “tragic death”.

The Express dossier deals with the “stark facts”. Diana was 36 when he made her last trip in Paris. Fact! She was with her lover Dodi Fayed, 42. Fact! They were both in a car in the Alma Tunnel. Fact! The car’s driver, one Henri Paul, was with them. Fact! The world was a peaceful place, love was in the air and Will Smith was at No.1 in the charts with Men In Black. Fact! Fact! Fact!

“So why the mystery?” asks the dossier’s author Anna Pukas. Because many questions have been asked. “Some have been answered, only to raise more questions, doubts, suspicions and allegations of a cover-up and even murder”.

Questions? And more questions? And each question illustrated with a photo of Diana? She’s in a swimsuit; a pair of sunglasses; gold earrings; diamonds. Diana is in “tight white jeans, sleeveless black top and black jacket all by Versace”. And Dodi is in a “Daniel Hechter leather shirt-style jacket and jeans over boots”.

And all around them paparazzi “chaffing even more for a lucrative picture of the Princess and her paramour”.

Pictures like the one of Di with her head tilted to one side; Di smiling broadly; Di holding a pair of white shoes.

“Why did Henri Paul avoid the established route from the Ritz to Dodi’s apartment? See picture of Diana in grey jacket. “Where was Paul heading to?” Diana is in a diamond choker. There are many more questions.

We could list them but they will – as our writer says – only lead to more questions. And it might be easier just to look at the pictures…

Posted: 30th, August 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Deliberate On This

“DIANA DEATH ‘WAS NO AN ACCIDENT.’”

This is favourite device of the tabloid press – the partial quote as headline.

And the quote is attributed to a “source close to the investigation”. And the insider has more to say. “It appears reports have been falsified,” says this source. “There have been many lies and much cheating in this inquiry.”

They go on: “How is it possible for anyone to believe it was a simple road traffic accident?” Well, there was the mangled car, the road and… “This was not an accident.”

So that’s that then. The Express can wrap up its quotidian front-page coverage of Princess Diana (pictured smiling as she awaits the verdict from her new home on the fabled sixth floor of Harvey Nichols). The paper can get on with the business of reporting on immigrants and Hitler.

But no. Diana is a story not yet dead and buried. The Express says the inquiry has been “sensationally” reopened by a French judge. “The two scientific experts could face criminal charges and prison if their new depositions reveal they lied in the past.”

They “could”, “if”… Inside the paper we get to see the two scientists. There’s the toxicologist Dr Gilbert Pepin. He’s wearing a scarf and glasses. And Professor Dominique Lecomte, the pathologist, also in glasses and seen in a grainy image.

And over two pages we read another quote-making headline: “’Experts must tell courts the truth.’”

Yes, experts should not lie in court. And judges should make sound judgement. Lawyers should do their utmost to uphold the law.

And accidents should never happen…

Posted: 21st, August 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Judge For Yourself

“DIANA. A mountain of new evidence but they can’t find a judge who will hear it.”

No problem. The Express can get its esteemed readership – experts in Diana’s post-death life – to play the judge. The paper loves a phone poll; each of its questions more loaded than George Bush at a frat house party.

But be warned: playing judge in the Diana inquest is no small matter.

A source, “a legal expert”, tells the Express: “In one way, it is hardly surprising that no one wants to step into Michel Burgess’s shoes [he resigned as head of the inquest citing pressure of work]. The Diana inquest is seen as poisoned chalice.”

A poisoned chalice? A princess! A fairytale life?

Elsewhere in the Express we learn that Mohammed Fayed, father of Dodi Fayed, is selling a “poignant memory of the tragedy”, the “secluded and imposing” property Castle de Ste-Therese in Parc de St Tropez. This is where Dodi wooed Diana. It’s the castle.

All that’s missing from this fairytale is for the prince to wake the sleeping beauty from her slumber.

But that’s unlikely (he’s married his mistress.) So instead of that happy ending we need some vengeance. And here is your chance, Daily Express readers.

Do you think Diana was murdered by Prince Philip standing on a grassy knoll in a Paris tunnel? Press 1 for “YES” and 2 for “NO, I AM DELUDED”.

Posted: 6th, August 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Wales Dressers

“THE TRUTH ABOUT DIANA’S AMAZING WEDDING DRESS.”

After so many lies and rumours about the dress, it is high time we heard the truth. It is the Express’s front-page news.

And who better to reveal all than the dress’s confidants Elizabeth and David Emmanuel?

It’s been 25 years and two divorces since the day Diana wore that gown (like the Waleses, Elizabeth and David have divorced) but the memories are fresh in the mind.

We join the action at the Emmanuels’ workshop in central London. It’s 1981. A phone is ringing.

Elizabeth: “Hello.”
Caller: “Hello Elizabeth, it’s Diana Spencer here. Would you and David do me the honour of making my wedding dress?”

Sadly no tape of this call is known to exist and we imagine Elizabeth adding life to this exchange with an impression of her famous client. Perhaps ex-husband David plays the part of Diana, delivering her lines with a tilt of the head and a long fringe?

Elizabeth: “Oh my God, of course we would love to.”

There then followed weeks of hard work as the dressmakers avoided the press. “We even had a code name for Diana, which we thought was hilarious,” says Elizabeth. Oh yes? What was it? “We used to refer to her as Debra.”

But it wasn’t all high comedy. David recalls how having got Diana into the dress on the morning of the wedding no-one could remember if the petticoats had been fastened. David says he had to get under the skirts to sort things out.

“Then the worst thing happened,” says David. Nerves got the better of Diana? No. “As I was coming out from underneath her dress, I heard the door open and Diana saying, ‘David, have you met the Queen Mother?’”

Once again we are left wondering if David gets into character for his line. And if, indeed, he re-enacts this life-affirming moment by pushing his head up his ex-wife’s skirt, or if she, older and wiser, plays the role of the Queen Mother.

Whatever the scene, the Emmanuels are keen to relive it. And you can buy their story A Dress for Diana” from “The Express Bookshop”.

And learn the “truth”.

Posted: 3rd, August 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment

Princess Diana’s New Evidence

UNABLE or unwilling to believe Princess Diana – our Princess of Hearts – died in so mundane a fashion as a car accident, the Express continues to report on her life.

This column will track the Express’s campaign to breathe new life into Diana. Just as she occupies a place in all our hearts and minds, so too does she feature in indelible ink on the front page of the Express.

And so to today’s look at Diana. And the front-page news is: “DIANA DEATH: NEW COVER–UP FEARS.”

Last week, Michael Burgess, the “Royal Coroner”, quit from the team investigating Diana’s death. He blamed “pressure of work”.

And now the paper says the Establishment – the Royal Family, the Government and MI6 – want the new coroner to record a verdict that Diana and her lover Did Fayed died as the “result of a road accident”.

And this is wrong. A source described as being “close to” the Operation Paget Inquiry into Diana’s death says there is a “mountain” of evidence that shows it was no accident.

This is interesting stuff. But the Express is worried that the general public will never see the evidence.

And a royal source says that we are not the only ones being affected. Speaking of Diana’s children William and Harry, the source says: “This is torture for them. They just want it over.”

But there is no sign of it ever being over. The Express cannot let it go. And we expect more of the same.

We expect to see more pictures of Diana (today there are two), and more shots of the crushed car in which she took her last journey (one).

It could go on for ever…

Posted: 24th, July 2006 | In: Royal Family | Comment