Sports Category
Sports news, commentary and scores with wit and added value. We compare and contrast the best and worst sports reporting in the mainstream press, blogs, TV and online. We love the English Premier League (Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs, Manchester United and Manchester City) and all things football but we cover cricket, rugby, the Olympics, tennis, golf, F1 and highlights of the sporting year.
England’s Libyan Snow Falcons Win Cricket World Cup
ENGLAND wins! Libya wins! We win!!! England’s ‘Libyan Snow Falcons cricket team have won the Ice Cricket World Championships in Estonia.
And the even more amazing news is that the game is played with a tennis ball. Yes! England wins at tennis!!!!
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Cheltenham Does St Patrick’s Day: Green To The Gills
IT’S St Patrick’s Day, and the Cheltenham regulars are dressing up in green. It’s always dressing up at the races. The women wear high shoes and big hats. The little men were little shoes and colourful jerseys. John McCririck dresses up as the window of Oxfam…
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Fulham To Get Michael Jackson Statue: Chelsea Make Do With Torres
HAVING sold Harrods, Mohammed Al Fayed will now locate his statue of Michael Jackson to Craven Cottage, home of Fulham FC.
Says Mo:
“I hope that many fans of his will visit the statue, and that Fulham fans will appreciate seeing the finest performer in the world, in and amongst them, the finest fans of the world.”
Anorak likes this approach to statues at football grounds. If no players are starry enough, or dead enough, to recall in cement, then why not pick one of the chairman’s favourite acts?
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Olympic Clock Stops: London Sets New World Record For Ineptitude
ONE day on from the Olympic Clock being switched on by the Olympic Plug in the Olympic Socket, the Olympic Clock broke. The clock aims to countdown to the 2012 Games, in days, hours, minutes and seconds.
It will be replaced by Neville The Pigeon, stalwart of Trafalgar Square, who will at 4am every morning shout “One Les Day To Go, Suckers!” at the top of his lungs, followed by: “Fresh Drugs This Way!”
Gareth Bale’s Inter Milan Goals For Spurs Are Now Beautiful Animation
GARETH Bales’ goals for Spurs against Inter Milan have been turned into a beautiful piece of animation by animator Richard Swarbrick. Football has the power:
Alternative Olympic Sports: Bird Calling
TATE Douglas is pulling the birds in Harrisville, Utah. Douglas is the 15-year-old aiming to be the world’s best duck and goose caller. He tells the local paper of that first hunting trip with his dad. Tate was nine:
“He showed me what to do and then I did it better than he did.”
Says dad, Brett Douglas:
“It is true. He is just a natural. He picked it up no problem.”
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Rugby Six Nations Photos: Fox More Exciting Than England V Scotland
THE Six Nations – England v Scotland is a borefest lit up by celebrity Royal Zara Phillips befriending The Saturdays, and a fox escaping Princess Anne. Look out for this fixture being played on horseback next year…
Zarah Phillips’ Painted Friends Steal Six Nations Glory From Tindall’s England
WHO knew celebrity royal Zara Phillips had photogenic friends? As England’s captain Mike Tindall walked past his beloved Zara Phillips on his way to collecting the Calcutta Cup from Princess Anne, aka ‘Mummy’, eyes turned to the side.
Zara was dressed like a character from the Greenham Women’s production of Brookside Goes Dutch. Her pals wore long locks and war paint. Did Tindall look their way? Was it a test by Anne, still wearing Christopher Walken’s old hair? Is Prince Harry aware of his cousin’s social circle?
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Daniela Martins: Me and Nani’s Money – A Manchester United Primark Special
DANIELA Martins is WAG to Manchester United’s Nani. She is the subject of a NoTW piece trailed: “I still buy my clothes from Primark!”.
“When I go shopping at Tesco I look for bargains. Nani loves Müller Crunch Corners and I get them when they’re on special offer. You can get six in a deal for £2.96. I’d never buy just four because you can’t save money that way.
“And Nani loves Krispy Kreme doughnuts so I buy the big box because we save doing that.”
Nothing says thrift like spending more.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love designer gear, shoes by Christian Louboutin and Prada handbags, but I know how to compromise.”
Although if Prada did yoghurts, Daniela might find cause to review her shopping habits:
Nani and Daniela are not your usual celebrity couple. Even when the pair do buy top-label stuff they get a twinge of shame.
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Fight At Badminton All England Championships
THE Press Association sends us an image of the action at the Badminton All England Championships. Things are heating up in the world of shuttlecocks…
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Police Order Manchester United Fan To Censor Man City Abuse
ON the back of Stockport-based Manchester United fan Sarah Webb-Lee’s car is the legend printed on a sticker:
“On the first day God created United then completely fucked up and created City.”
Police told her to remove the sticker.
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Spurs Go Marching On: Champions League Photos
SPURS go marching on the Champions League. Harry Redknapp, never known to talk down his own magic hat, tells media:
“This is an impossible dream that we have achieved so far.”
His team have done well. AC Milan are no mugs. But is it impossible to think a team that cost just shy of £200milion to assemble – Harry’s minnows are the fourth most expinsive squad in the Premier League – would make the last eight of a big cup contest?
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Posted: 10th, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Alternative Olympic Sports: Watermelon Skiiing
ALTERNATIVE Olympic Sports – who determines what and what is not an Olympic sport? – introduces watermelon skiing.
Previously: Downhill cycling.
Arsenal’s Jack Wilshere Starts Work As A Journalist In Barcelona: Photos
LAST night Arsenal lost to Barcelona in the Champions League. Massimo Busacca, the man Martin Samuel calls “merciless Massimo” is the Swiss referee who sent off the Gunners’ Robin Van Persie for kicking the ball a second after the whistle had blown. And the game was up.
The talk is of argument and arbitrary decisions. But football is about facts. The score says much. But what of those other facts the media likes to pepper its reporting with?
As ever the news media is factual:
The Game:
“We were not perfect, but we have got the result. We have come through and that is what is important,” – Pep Guardiola, Press TV
“We played the perfect game” – Pep Guardiola, Irish Independent
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Posted: 9th, March 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)
Barcelona V Arsenal In Photos: Fabregas Shirt Watch
BARCELONA are seeking to overturn a 1-2 scoreline and advance to the later stages of the Champions League at the expense of Arsenal. Barca want the Gunners’ captain Cesc Fabregas. Anorak will watch tonight to see how long it is before a fan runs onto the pitch and presents Cesc with a Barca shirt.
Barcelona play good football. But they are praised beyond their worth. They are not more than club. They are a club who like to win. They are not morally superior. They can put the boot in.
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Posted: 8th, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Man United Lose To Liverpool In Photos And A Tribute To Sammy Nelson
LIVERPOOL beat Manchester United in the Premier League as Alex Ferguson’s United continue the long slide down from the summit they’ve bestrode for two decades. Ferguson said it as unfair. Kenny Dalglish grinned. United’s Rafael Da Silva pulled up his shorts and showed referee Phil Dowd his thigh. Was it an effort to get Dowd on side? Or just a pale tribute to Sammy Nelson..?
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Posted: 6th, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
Horse Loses Head At Newbury Race Course: Photos
AFTER two horses died at Newbury Racecourse – electrocuted, so they say – we supposed that the Greatwood Charity Day would be a more genteel and careful spectator sport. No-one thought to tell the horses. If anyone spots castrated racer Take The Breeze’s head, mark the page with an X and we’ll see the stable thanks you with vial of the good stuff…
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Irish Cricket Doctors Cure England Fans Of Australian Delusions
IRELAND have beaten England in the Cricket World Cup. After the coin toss – which England lent to the Irish captain at a pretty favourable rate – Ireland handed a lump of wood to a passing tourist, later revealed to be one Kevin O’Brien, and told him to hit the small, hard football. He could work out the rules of the game later. Just hit it and see if he can pick it up.
O’Brien went on to score the fastest century in Cricket World Cup history, smashing smashed 113 off 63 balls.
England fans still suffering from psychotic episodes developed by sleep depravation in which it appeared the English beat Australia in a Test while Andrew Strauss abseiled to Mars on Leo Sayer’s curls, wept with relief as they were declared “cured”.
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Posted: 2nd, March 2011 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comment (1)
Chelsea Beat Manchester United: Ashley Cole Does Not Shoot
CHELSEA beat Manchester United in the Premier League. And Ashley Cole did not shoot…
Ashley Cole Shoots A Poor Student At Chelsea: John Terry Unharmed
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Portsmouth’s Olympic Swimming Pool Is Two Inches Short
PORTSMOUTH’S new big swimming pool, the Olympic-sized one at the Mountbatten Centre, isn’t Olympic-sized. It’s two inches short.
Parkwood Leisure, which operates the pool, says it is “Olympic-sized” and, vitally, “Olympic-standard’. And so long as the Olympics don’t feature a touch-sensitive ‘time board’ it is full sized. Only when the boards are dipped in the water, the pool is too shot to be Olympic standard.
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Posted: 1st, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (4)
London Olympics: A Look At The Tat On Sale In Heathrow Airport
LONDON Olympics 2012: The Tat is on sale in a shop of its own at Heathrow Airport’s, Terminal 5. There, you can buy mugs, key fobs, pens, pencils, a one-eyed ten-pin phallus called Wenlock or Mandeville – the creepy monsters come dressed as a Beefeater or Palace guard – friendship bracelets (£110! Each!!!), die-cast vehicles (replicas of a London bus and a black can (available in white, pink, red, blue and orange) and “fine jewellery” that looks a lot like the fine stuff they flog in Argos.
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Posted: 1st, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
Iran Says Olympic Rings Are Jew Bagels: Threatens To Withdraw Both Athletes
THE London Olympics logo, the one that look like Lisa Simpson performing oral sex, spell ZION. Well, so say the Iranians, who have threatened to boycott the London Olympics unless the organisers replace the official logo.
If they don’t attend will any medal won be valid? At the Beijing Games of 2008, the Iranians scored two medals: a gold for taekwondo and a bronze for wrestling.
Unless cooking up conspiracy theories, fomenting genocide, Holocaust denial and hooting your own people in the face become Olympic Sports in time for next summer, Iran will not be missed.
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Posted: 1st, March 2011 | In: Sports | Comments (4)
Footballer Luís Moreno Kicks An Owl Off The Pitch
TO Colombia, where Panamaian footballer Luís Moreno is in trouble for kicking an owl on the pitch. The match between Pereira and Atlético Junior is interrupted when a ball strikes the owl.
The ref stops play. Moreno’s Pereira are losing 2-1. He approaches the bird and kicks it off the pitch.
Says Ramón Jesurum, the league’s president:
“The player should be severely punished for this painful, horrible act of intolerance.”
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Alternative Olympic Sports: Downhill Cycling
THE London Olymopics are coming. But what sports will you not be seeing? Anorak continues its look at the alternative Olympics with Downhill Cycling:
Steven Davies Is Out
STEVEN Davies is a gay cricketer. Willie and Holding have long retired from the game, so that adolescent pun is unusable.
Instead…
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