Sports Category
Sports news, commentary and scores with wit and added value. We compare and contrast the best and worst sports reporting in the mainstream press, blogs, TV and online. We love the English Premier League (Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs, Manchester United and Manchester City) and all things football but we cover cricket, rugby, the Olympics, tennis, golf, F1 and highlights of the sporting year.
Germany Kills The Vuvuzela With Die Surfpoeten: World Cup Solutions
THE Germans – who else? – have come up with an efficient solution to the World Cup nasty – the vuvuzela. Before the vuvuzela is taken from this place and killed, a word from Anorak’s Ed Barrett:
Good things about vuvuzelas.
1. They drown out that fucking horrible England “supporters’ band” playing
“The Great Escape”.
Er, that’s it.
Your guide to ending the vuvuzela (translated from the German in google, rather inefficiently.)
In German:
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In Pictures: Robert Green’s Golf Day – And Why England Loves Him
ROBERT Green knows what Kermit means. It’s not easy. But it is easies now for his England teammates. Green has made the first clanger. The rest of the squad can rest easy When they make mistake – miss penalty; gets sent off; skew a sitter into the cheap seats – they will not stand out so much. They will just in Green’s gang. Green is the team mascot now. He is every England player’s favourite. John Terry – what shags? Ashley Cole – what singer’s husband? Wayne Rooney – what the ****-***t you *a**-**c*-j***-fa****-****!?” Fabio Crapello – first one to spot “Crapello” in the mainstream media wins” – can wink at Green.
Green has permitted all manner of sin. And he has allowed the rest of the squad to relax. England fans, raise a glass to Sir Robert Green – and take care you don’t drop it…
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England V USA: One Green Disaster After Another Green Disaster
ENGLAND were going to do it for BP. England would show the Americans that Obama using an environmental disaster to kick the British would not be tolerated. It was not a green disaster for us. Until it was a (Robert) Green disaster…
Posted: 12th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (9)
World Cup: England v USA Death Blog (Pictures)
England v USA In Pictures: and Robert Green’s Taibi-esque ricket gives USA a goal to make the scores 1-1. At least Green will feature on the World Cup compilation highlights tape. Forget the live blog. This is a death blog. One more goal to the USA and England are shafted. Anyhow, bring on Theo Walcott!
On a brighter note – you can’t hear the England “supporters’ band” for the vuvuzelas. Small mercies.
Quote of the decade – Steven Gerrard: “You can’t criticise Robert Green.”
Wanna bet?
Posted: 12th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (5)
World Cup Photos: Vuvuzelas Drown Out England Supporter’s Band
WORLD Cup in Pictures: England plays USA in Rustenberg. The game was memorable for one happy – oh, so happy-happy-happy event: the vuvuzelas drowned out the horrible England “supporters’ band” playing The Great Escape, theme tune of lost causes. Grab you big kazoo and blow for England. Let’s kill off the band once and for all – we’ll have no more orchestrated, pisspoor, tinny renditions of film sound tracks to spice up the match for the telly. Let’s all have a f*****g disco and not invite the band. (Thanks Mick Hume).
The Top Ten Oil-Related Football Chants To Serenade The USA – Oily! Oily! Oily!
Kim Jong Il Spotted At World Cup With Australia Camp: Photo
TO the front page of the Illawarra Mercury, where the region’s multiculturalism is being saluted with a mugshot of a local from each of the World Cup’s 32 participating nation’s.
C’mon Cameroon – do it for the little white girl.
And can you spot Mr Kim Jong-il? Eyes down…
Click the image to make bigger.
Spotter: Tim Blair
In Great Pictures: Slick England Thrash USA At World Cup
BARACK Obama has declared war on England. Let there be no mistake. Achtung! Achtung! The phoney war is over. Tonight England take to the pitch to right wrongs. Sing up for England – join your chorus to the song book here.
Say “NO” to cocky GIs shagging your girlfriends.
Say “NO way, dude” to American cultural imperialism.
The papers are gung-ho for Obama’s Americans who would do us down.
The Independent says “15 million” will what the game.
The Express adds in illegal immigrants and puts the figure at “20 million”.
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Two World Cups And Two World Wars: Come On England
THE World Cup has begun!
You want chants to antagonise the Americans? (BP wherever you may be…)
You want the pictures?
You want the matches.
A World Cup themed house, which is being sprayed by a local graffiti artist in the Knowle West area of Bristol.
Posted: 11th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
The Top Ten Oil-Related Football Chants To Serenade The USA
ENGLAND is ready to take on our old foe the USA. Barack Obama is cranking up the jingoism with talk of kicking English “ass”. The only arse kicking – and it’s arse, Bar-ark – will be done by our England boys on the velt of South Africa. Anorak’s terrace choir has been singing all day. And we will be singing all night. we will singing when the BP oil is still pumping.
*
Oily Oily Oily, Oy Oy Oy
– Yampster
*
We drill!…
We spill!
..We pay the fucking bill
I-N-G-E-R-L-A-N-D! …. I-N-G-E-R-L-A-N-D!
– Percy Stilton
*
He’s got a dead bird in his hands
He’s got a dead bird in his hands
He’s got a dead bird in his hands
He’s got a dead bird in his hands
– Paul S
*
Que Sera, Sera
You sold us KFC
You got BP oil for free
Que Sera Sera
– Roo
*
You’re a tanker, you’re a tanker, you’re a tanker, referee…
– A. Norris
*
BP where ever you may be
We are the famous EFC
And we don’t give a F*ck
Whoever you may be,
‘Cos you’re really fat and very oily
*
When you walk through a spill
keep your eyes down low
and don’t put your feet in the crude
at the end of the beach there’s a pool of tar
and the sound of Obama being rude
– Yampster
*
..I am not dim…. and I can see…
…The Yanks are trying to steal BP..
The Yanks are trying to steal BP!
– Mr Stilton
*
In 2010 we had a little slip
Along with Tony Hayward near the mighty Mississip.
We cracked a bit of piping and it’s leaking at the seams
Then we brought the bloody Oil Slick to the town of New Orleans.
[Chorus:]
We capped our well and the Barrels kept a’comin.
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We capped once more but it still kept a’runnin’
Up the Mississippi from the Gulf of Mexico.
We looked down the beaches and we see’d the oil slick come.
And there must have been a hundred yards of dirty oily scum
It rose so high and we couldn’t do a thing
So we blamed the Bloody British and all they did was sing
[Chorus:]
We capped our well and the Barrels kept a’comin.
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago.
We capped once more but it still kept a’runnin’
– yip-Yap Yampster
More slick ones to add…
Posted: 11th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (35)
In Pictures And Hideous Vuvuzelas: South Africa And Mexico Kickstart The Platitudes
FOOTBALL’S World Cup has arrived in South Africa. South Africa’s Siphiwe Tshabalala scored the tournament and his sides first goal in a game against Mexico. When all the hacks and marketeers have gone home, the memories will of the players. Football fans know that football does not need couching in terms of healing a nation – hell, healing an entire continent. We don’t need to listen to the broadcast media reporting from the Heart of Darkness, all wide-eyed with the joy or misery of it. We do not need to be told how noisy it is – we can see the mouths puffing into mini alphorns and detect sound of a plague of gnats trapped in Venetian blind. Football is just what it is. Enjoy.
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In Pictures: World Cup Opening Ceremony At Soccer City
IN Pictures the Opening Ceremony for the World Cup at the Soccer City Stadium, south Africa. It’s going to be huge. And – let’s face it – if England win it will be brilliant. Old Mr Anorak, our patron, has detailed his pretorian contingent of Polish handimen and Lativan dancers to erect a England flag on their faces. Grab your vuvuzela and blow up, blow up, blow up for England! If you can still hear – you weren’t there…
Posted: 11th, June 2010 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (5)
Dear Daily Mail: Let’s Have World Cup For The English Only
THE Daily Mail letters page is a font of World Cup vigour and jingoism.
Wouldn’t it be great if TV coverage of the World Cup was limited to England’s games, those of hosts South Africa and of the tournaments ‘big guns’.
Then we would be spared the ordeal of having to sit through a match between Bongo Bongoland and the Former Soviet Republic of Bulimia and other meaningless events.
Mike Phelps
Yeovil, Somerset
Posted: 10th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
In 1966 England Won The World Cup In The Face Of Injury, Prison And Death
ED Barrett – look out for his blog on Anorak soon – looks back to the World Cup team of 1966 and how four of the best players in the country were unable to play because of prison, injury and death:
PUBLIC opinion is fickle at the best of times, and never more so that where the national football team is concerned. So now that the “golden generation” has been recast as a bunch of no-hopers, it’s worth reconsidering the golden past – what little there is of it.
The class of 1990 – written off after their dreadful first game against Ireland, lest we forget – are usually cited as the best of recent times. They even paraded in an open top bus when they arrived home. Since then, history has been rewritten to the extent that their spirited but slightly fortunate stumble to a semi-final is now portrayed as an imperious march to football Valhalla. For evidence, look no further than the recent feature film, One Night in Turin). At Italia 90, losing became the new winning.
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Posted: 10th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (7)
In Pictures: Fabio Capello Menaces Media As England Train For World Cup
FABIO Capello grabs his throat and encourages the media to back off. Our man manages to get some snaps of England’s Joe Cole posing by a tree and sticking a ball on his head – literally – at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Complex, Rustenberg, South Africa. And there are some shots of the players laughing it up in readiness for the World Cup. Can England win? Yes. Or will it be Fabio Crapello? The Countdown to Crapello is on…
All the action!
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Posted: 9th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Get your Pies/Anorak official World Cup t shirt
By George I think we’ve won it – The George (Orwell) for England Pies World Cup shirts are here.
Perfect for anyone who loves football (and a bit of literature too) is the George for England World Cup shirt. Produced by the team who work on our sibling site whoateallthepies this ace cotton T-shirt has England’s favourite George (Orwell) on the front and the numbers 84 (of course) on the back. It also has the Pies URL too, in case you have forgotten where we are.
We chose Orwell because we think he is the coolest George England has ever produced. The next in the series will be either George Dawes or Boy George. Look out for that later.
Available in Small (Women’s), Medium, Large. Please specify when ordering. They cost £12.99 inc post and packaging.
Order them from here
Posted: 8th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (5)
Wayne Rooney’s World Cup Regime In Pictures
WAYNE Rooney and Coleen Rooney have an England bedspread. On the cover of Hello!, Wayne and Coleen are ready for the World Cup. Wayne will be kicking ball. And Coleen will be wearing clothes.
On the World Cup
Wayne: “I’m passionate – I want to win, it means a lot to me and to the fans.”
On the banter:
Wayne: “We’re like a group of old woman talking about our children all the time.”
On trying to make Wayne fashionable and edgy:
Wayne says he does not wear black gloves because they are “lucky” but because his hands get “cold”.
On England:
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Posted: 8th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (5)
World Cup: Fan Turns Bedroom Into Nirvana
IT football crazy in Kevin Whitter’s bedroom, the one he shares with his wife, the lovely Natasha.
She has told Kevin that if he wants to watch the World Cup he can do so in their bedroom. Yes, lads, watching the World Cup on your own, in bed with no interruptions. Bliss.
Kevin did not wait a heartbeat. He bought an England flag headboard, a divan – with crowd scenes [he scores on the box!] – and a World Cup trophy on a bedside table should he need something to kiss and caress.
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Soccer Aid In Pictures: Robbie Williams, Zidane And Woody Harrelson’s Urine
THE 2010 Soccer Aid match at Old Trafford as watched for 25 minutes by Anorak before we realised it wasn’t the World Cup. No diving, you see. And no drugs tests. No need – Woody Harrelson was there. And Olly Murs is more mobile than Ledley King. This is pro-celeb football. The team as England took on The Rest of the World:
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Posted: 6th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
World Cup: Fabio Capello Says Ferdinand Can Stay, Rues Not Picking Charlton And Shearer (Pictures)
RIO Ferdinand joins David Beckham on England’s geriatric tour of South African World Cup. Fabio Capello says crocked Ferdinand can stay with the team for the duration.
Join our Countdown To Crapello, readers! First one to spot “Crapello” in the mainstream media wins!
With Rio of the turntables and Dave on the knickers and PR, England are on the road to victory.
Capello must just be kicking himself that he never asked Bobby Charlton, Alan Shearer, and Glenn Hoddle to play in the squad. What a wow they’d be on hair, DIY and prayer meetings.
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Ashley Cole And Lapdancer Sarah Purnell, Cheryl Cole’s Patriotic Double: Photos
WHAT news of Ashley Cole, now just a couple of injuries from being England’s World Cup captain? Well, the NoTW says he is stepping out with a new lover – an “ex-lapdancer who is the image of estranged wife Cheryl”.
That would Cheryl Cole, the most beautiful woman in the world? Great news, then, for Sarah Purnell, who will be the new nation’s sweetheart when Chezza takes her fists and Autotune to the US.
Cheryl Cole And Ashley’s Marriage – in pictures
“See you later, Sexy Bum,” yells Ashley as Sarah leaves his training camp.
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Posted: 6th, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (9)
Liverpool Fans Burn The Stars And Stripes: Yanks For Nothing
RAFA Benitez has left Liverpool. Cancel the chorizo. And in Liverpool, the fans vent their collective spleen against American owners George Gillett Jr and Tom Hicks. The pair are as popular as a GI in your wife’s bra and knickers. The best bit about the pictures is the burning of the US flag. If this a sign that the TV news has influenced life rather than held a mirror up to it? Yankee Go Home. The Great Satan Out. It’s not often you see a flag burning in these parts…
Posted: 3rd, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (39)
World Cup Sex Videos: Countdown To Crapello
NEWS is that England’s favourite Italian Fabio Capello is spying on his team through their TVs – that Countdown to the tabloids dubbing him Crapello starts soon!
Given that footballers often spend an evening watching porn on the magic box, Fabio will get a lap-dancer’s-eye-view of his team as they languish in hotel rooms.
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Posted: 2nd, June 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
The Cutting Edge Of Sports Broadcasting, With Dean Windass
DEAN Windass will not show you the future of bradcasting. This is the cutting edge of sports brodcasting.
The Jeff Stelling Home for Retired players has never had it so cutting:
Says Phil Brown:
“Blackpool have never been in the Premier League. The last time they were it was in the 1960s”
Says Frank Lampard:
“Carlo is exactly the same as Jose. But he’s calmer.”
Here’s Dean:
Deft Bull Pierces Matador Julio Aparicio’s Face: Video
MATADOR Julio Aparicio is wearing a bull as novelty piercing at Madrid’s Las Ventas bullring. Having been pricked by a number of banderillas, the bull fancied one last shot at fame. He would retrain as a body piercer and lance Senor Aparicio through the face.
Sporting Injuries: Thai Boxer Corey Hill’s Broken Leg
With the face pierce, the bull deftly removed his horn. Ole!
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Posted: 23rd, May 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (13)
In Pictures: David Beckham In Afghanistan
DAVID Beckham went to see the lads in Camp Bastion, Helmand Province. He’s joined the Gunners. And by the looks of the pictures, he fits in. Is this a glimpse at the post-football future for Becks – a mascot for lost causes. First the England World Cup bid, now this. Can Day-vid lead the Labour Party? Will he put all his money in the euro?
If it is, it works. and judging by the way he handles the gun, it looks like his time in LA has not been a total waste.
It’s hard not to like David Beckham…
Posted: 22nd, May 2010 | In: Sports | Comments (31)
