Sports Category
Sports news, commentary and scores with wit and added value. We compare and contrast the best and worst sports reporting in the mainstream press, blogs, TV and online. We love the English Premier League (Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs, Manchester United and Manchester City) and all things football but we cover cricket, rugby, the Olympics, tennis, golf, F1 and highlights of the sporting year.
Stade Francaise’s New Rampantly Heterosexual Kit
THE new Stade Francais Jersey confirms the idea that rugby union is the sport for men who are secure enough in their masculinity to stick their heads between another man’s thighs and yell “nice tackle” from the stands.
Rugger fans wear the club jersey in the bar and in the carvery, so that when they can best bond and avoid football fans.
They know that when they examine each other’s genitals in the toilets they will do so in a deeply heterosexual manner and sing songs about nights of sexual extravagance with strapping women, pets and livestock.
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Posted: 17th, August 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
Paul Gascoigne’s Tribute Poem To Bobby Robson
PAUL Gascoigne has penned a poem to his former England manager Sir Bobby Robson. It’s called: “To Sir Bobby from Daft as a Brush”:
When I was 12 I met a man called Bobby,
It was in Ipswich in a lobby,
At first I seen him he just smiled with such glee,
I knew he was the man for me,
He was a great man,
Even better than Peter Pan,
He looked after me for so many years,
He was like a tree with the fruit of the pears,
I know he’s above,
And I’ll always be his son like the feathers of a dove,
He has now passed away,
But every night I say a little pray,
For the great man Sir Bobby he will be missed,
I’ve kept okay and hope not to get p****d
I will never forget you for as long as I live,
You gave me a chance,
I started to bounce,
There are no rules for loving and sharing,
But hearts beat faster when someone is caring.
Love Gazza
Away and pray… Not the worst rhyme of all time but better that Chris de Burgh who rhymed dance with romance and never played France…
Robert Plant Introduces Today’s Premier League Photos
ON the opening day of the Premier League season Robert Plant is being made a vice president of Wolverhampton Wanderers.
Yeah, vice president, another Americanism that has crept into British football.
This is Robert Plant CBE, Current Best Employee, or whatever that acronym now means…
It turns out that Wolves should have played Plant up front, in defence – hell, anywhere he liked. He’s the VeePee, dude…
Cricketer Takes On Tiger In Cage Fight
TO the six-a-side caged cricket match at Broadgate Circle, Liverpool Street, London where members of the public compete to win tickets to the final Test at The Brit Oval.
Already reduced to Twnty20 form, cricket is moving on again and is now an extreme sport. Attention spans are so limited that the game moves with then. Cricket should be fast and bloody, with baseball caps, sunglsees modelled on Top Gun night sights, stumps lit in the manner of Roman torches and at least one fielding pet in each team.
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Manchester United Star Banned For Nine Months
THE Premier League football season is underway and reliable Sir Alex Feruson allows the Daily Star to sum up the coming nine months in a single succinct headline:
FERGIE IN RANT AT REF
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Posted: 10th, August 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
In Pictures: Chelsea Beat Manchester United To Win Community Shield
THE football season is underway. And Chelsea FC have beaten Machester United FC to win the Community Shield, at Wembley Stadium.
Of course, real footy fans know that winning the Community Shield is not really winning anything at all. It’s not the Premier League is it, where the richest two clubs battle it out to win the big tin pot with the golden crown? For one thing, there’s not crown, just a giant saucer to sit cups on.
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A Free Sir Bobby Robson Tattoo For Every Sun Reader
SIR Bobby Robson is dead. He was a “gentleman”. So said the Sun. and, yes, that is the Sun which produced badges proclaiming “Robson Out, Clough In“.
The same gutter journalists who offered his mistress bundles of cash for her story, just before the 1990 world cup.
So how else can Sir Bobby be remember?
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Posted: 7th, August 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Francoise Boufhal Launches Rio Ferdinand’s Magazine, In Pictures
MORE news on Francoise Boufhal, seen here at Tut Tut Nightclub in Newcastle. Ms Boufhal is the new face and most of the content of England and Manchester United footballer Rio Ferdinand’s new magazine #5.
Anroak readers will recall how it was Ferdinand who said the WAGS in Baden Baden turned England’s 2006 World Cup finals campaign into a “circus”, albeit without the close ball control of Mr Popov’s sealions.
“It was like watching a theatre unfolding and football almost became a secondary element to the main event.People were worrying more about what people were wearing and where they were going, rather than the England football team.”
Thankfully, Rio’s mag is all about the football.
Boufhal is seen offering her best side to the overhead player cam. She is not yet a WAG…
England Win Third Ashes Test
SIR Ian Botham waters the wicket at the Third Ashes Test between England and Australia.
Two more days and two more Test matches and the Ashes are England’s!
Gawd bless da Queen. Long may it rain!
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Tranmere Rovers For Sale On eBay, With Bike
TRANMERE Rovers is for sale on eBay. Starting bid $10million.
The listing claimed to be from Dornoch Capital, the US firm tasked with finding a buyer for the club.
Says Tranmere Rovers owner Peter Johnson:
“We were appalled. It’s totally inappropriate. We immediately e-mailed them and said ‘take it off right away’.”
But why? A sale is a sale. And what is eBay but a shop?
Johnson adds:
“You can imagine how shocked we were to wake up this morning to find out we were on eBay. We’ll be considering their [Dornoch Capital’s] mandate. It’s not a second-hand bike we’re selling.”
If only it were… Although £10million might be a bit steep for an old push bike, unless Michael Jackson had ridden it, obviously. Or why not throw in the bike, a bell, a bit of ribbon, a reflector and some stabilisers?
“One has to think of supporters and the ability to run the club. Putting it on eBay is not the right way of doing it and we would certainly have not let them if they’d asked us, so we’re pretty furious.”
So had a punter rocked up and on eBay and said they’d buy it, Johnson would have turned them away to keep the fans happy?
Dornoch Capital Advisors reply:
Dornoch Capital Advisors has been engaged by Mr. Peter Johnson to bring in a purchaser to be transitioned in over the next several years under his tutelage/guidance. The new capital would be used to boost player/commercial investment in Tranmere that would propel the club back into the Championship League where it rightfully belongs. Stewardship of the club is Mr. Johnson’s primary concern as he desires to place ownership in responsible hands. This eBay add/gimmick was simply made to add/ buzz and interest in the market for the club. Our engagement was covered in March by Nick Hilton in the Liverpool Daily.
Best,
Joe Kosich
Managing Director
Dornoch Capital Advisors
Pinehurst North Carolina
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
Tranmere Rovers remains for sale for £10million. But now to ensure disappointment – or wait until the mid-season sale…
RIP Bobby Robson, Gascoigne Cried For Us All
FORMER England manager Sir Bobby Robson has died.
Earlier this month Anorak saw Robson turn out for re-run of the World Cup Italia ’90 semi-final. This time England won.
Back then England came so close. If any manager deserved to lead England to victory it was Sir Bobby Robson, a gentlemen in victory and defeat.
Memories:
If you can bear it:
Posted: 31st, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Spurs’ Legions Of Bent Fans Pray Levy Reads Twitter
ON Twitter, Tottenham Hotspur striker (allegedly) Darren Bent is pushing for move to mighty Sunderland by, allegedly, opining:
“Seriously getting p***** off now. Why can’t anything be simple. It’s so frustrating hanging round.”
This, dear reader, might be taken as summary of Bent’s career at Spurs – an inability to put a ball in big net on a regular basis and lots of hanging about waiting for the ball to arrive. But no. Well, not only. Bent has more, it seems:
“Sunderland are not the problem in the slightest. Do I wanna go Hull City? NO. Do I wanna go Stoke? NO. Do I wanna go Sunderland? YES. So stop f****** around Levy.”
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England Call Up I. C. Rain In Ashes Test
ENGLAND will win the Ashes.
It just needs to rain for another three Test matches…
Posted: 30th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Cristiano Ronaldo’s First Dive For Real Madrid
VIDEO: Cristiano Ronaldo scores first goal for Real Madrid, commits first dive…
Posted: 29th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Shane Warne’s Teeth And Ashes Sight Screens
LIFE moves on for Shane Warne star of Australian cricket and averts for hair replacement therapy. Anorak looks on as Shane showcases the Ashes Cricket: 2009 video game and his new teeth, which can double as a sight screen or perimeter fencing.
To advertise your brand on Shane’s teeth, contact the usual address…
Jermain Defoe Arrested By Celebrity Police Force
JERMAIN Defoe, of Tottenham and England, has been arrested.
As the Mirror screams from its front page:
“DEFOE FURY – England ace wrongly arrested and held by cops for five hours”
The Mirror calls them “bungling cops”. But Anorak readers will recognise them for what they are: the Celebrity Police Force. Their mission is to be photographed with as many famous people as possible. Today, the CPF meets Jermain Defoe:
Footballer Jermain Defoe was “unlawfully” arrested today on suspicion of driving while disqualified, his lawyer said. Defoe’s solicitor said the Tottenham and England striker was not disqualified but had been held for more than five hours at a police station in Harlow, Essex.
Driving while disqualified should not be confused with DWB (Driving While Black), which though not a crime, yet, is frowned upon by some police.
Essex Police said the arrest had been based on “inaccurate” information held on a computer.
In interview Defoe was asked about his driving, his licence, his best ever goal, why-oh-why he left West Ham and if Chantelle Houghton sleeps on her back.
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Olympic Athletes Win Worst TV Advert Ever
WITH the London 2012 Olympics in the news, TV watchers can once more see the Ultralase advert featuring Olympians Jonathan Edwards and Steve Redgrave.
This must be how the BBC presenting auditions go:
Ex-athlete: “Amazing. How do feel.”
Athlete: Pant.
Ex-athlete: “Well done. Amazing.”
It is undoubtedly the worst advert ever. The smile that plays across Redgrave’s face suggests he realises it. Edwards is the picture of stoicism as he is wafted by the flag, demanding the caption, “Who farted?”
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Posted: 27th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Paul Gascoigne’s England Beat Germany In Geordie World Cup
TO St James’ Park, where Paul Gascoigne’s England has defeated Germany 3-2.
Newcastle United fans may wonder how one day on from their team’s 6-1 thrashing by the mighty Leyton Orient the Geordie Nation can win the World Cup, now called the Bobby Robson Trophy?
It’s the kind of inconsistency that infuriates the faithful.
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Barking Turns East London Into An Olympic Beach
TO mark the 2012 Olympics, the Town Square of Barking, Essex, has been turned into a beach, with traditional British beach happenings like, er, beach volleyball, sandcastle competitions and collecting jewels (broken glass sand blasted).
Elsewhere in East London:
WITH just five years to go before the 2012 Olympic Games, local swimming clubs are to lose their training pool.
The 30-metre swimming pool at Waltham Forest College is to close at the end of July. The Guardian understands it has been running at a loss for some time and that the college’s decision is primarily financial.
Posted: 25th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (2)
Liverpool Captain Steven Gerrard Found Not Guilty
STEVEN Gerrard has been cleared of attacking a barman in a Merseyside bar.
The Liverpool captain has been found not guilty of affray.
More to follow…
Posted: 24th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (5)
Arsenal Fans Take Charge Of Club Transfer Policy
EMMANUEL Adebayor plays for Manchester City. Why does he play for Man City and not Arsenal? The Sun knows:
“Emmanuel Adebayor last night hit out at Arsenal’s fans and claimed: You made me leave.”
Arsenal fans will be delighted to hear they have that much power. And to think city paid £25m for the striker who appeared to play with less enthusiasm than a corporate fan being made to watch the entire game.
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Posted: 24th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Steven Gerrard Court Case In Pictures And Video
STEVEN Gerrard appears in court to face trial over his alleged involvement in a nightclub brawl. The Liverpool and England player faces a single charge of affray at Liverpool Crown Court.
It is alleged Gerrard, 29, was involved in a melee at the Lounge Inn, Southport, that saw businessman Marcus McGee, 34, lose a tooth and sustain facial cuts.
Pictures and video:
Sven Goran Eriksson Shirt On Sale In Notts County Club Shop
SVEN Goran Eriksson approached to take a “senior role” at Notts Country.
Pictures…
Phil Tuffnell’s Underarm Ashes Song
PHIL Tuffnell sings the worst Ashes song of all time, a grasscutter of a song that aims low and manages to achieve something lower. It smells worse than this. Tuffnell is in our Ashes Gallery – a brief history of Anglo-Aussie drinking and smoking.
Here’s Tuffnell:
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David Beckham’s Fight With LA Lakers Fan In Pictures
DAVID Beckham still plays for the LA Lakers, one of the leading half dozen football team in Los Angeles.
And Beckham’s mission to take footy to the heathen is working. News is that not only do LA Lakers now play with a round “ball” but that the team boasts a sections of fans called the LA Riot Squad who have taken to booing and jeering Beckham whenever he touches the ball.
Beckham has turned the Lakers into Leeds united.
Look out for the lads hanging an effigy of Beckham from lamp-post and asking in a tuneful manner if Lady Becks is into sodomy.
Says Day-vid:
“[The boos are] to be expected. Sometimes it goes beyond it. I tried to shake one of the guy’s hands but he didn’t want any of it. That’s the way it is.”
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Posted: 20th, July 2009 | In: Sports | Comments (7)
