Sports Category
Sports news, commentary and scores with wit and added value. We compare and contrast the best and worst sports reporting in the mainstream press, blogs, TV and online. We love the English Premier League (Arsenal, Liverpool, Spurs, Manchester United and Manchester City) and all things football but we cover cricket, rugby, the Olympics, tennis, golf, F1 and highlights of the sporting year.
World’s Greatest Goalkeeper Saves Penalty Then Scores Goal
A VIDEO of The World’s Greatest Goalkeeper saving a penalty then scoring a goal. Give him all the touche eclat and bronzer he wants. The new Ronaldo is upon us. Sign him up:
Cristiano Ronaldo Sips His Cocktail
SO reduced in potency is the Premier League that Cristiano Ronaldo continues to be the lead off-season player.
The Portuguese footballer who plays for Real Madrid is all over the Sun like pair of Speedos on a middle-aged Italian lifeguard.
Today, the Sun spots Ronaldo enjoying “a weekend on the lash in Las Vegas with a bevy of beauties”.
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Andy Murray Works On his Grunt
IT’S summer. And that means tennis. And that means Wimbledon and Murray Maniacs and a promise of life after Tim Henman and loadsa grunting.
Murr-rrry fits nicely with the Timm-mee chant. But while Timm-eee looked at home among the tennis club sisterhood, Murray looks as if he’d rather be playing before a football crowd, where grunting is the norm.
At the French Open, Michelle Larcher de Brito, a 16-year-old Portuguese, unleashed a memorable grunt that outlasted many of her rallies. Her opponent, Ara-vane Rezaï, complained to the umpire about the din. Larcher de Brito lost and was booed off court.
Says Larcher de Brito:
“I don’t think it would be fair if you’re not allowed to shriek or scream or grunt. It’s part of the game. I’m 16 and I’m still learning. Maybe I can eventually put it under control. I don’t know, but I’ll try. It comes from Seles; it comes from Sharapova. It comes from great players.”
Had only Arthur Mullard been born a few decades alter and handed a racket Britain may not have had to wait so long for a champion. You emulate the great to make yourself great, and the British just aren’t cutting it.
Play up!
It’s a matter of national standards. Horatio Nelson is hit and emits an invitation for a kiss. King Harold is speared in the eye and barely gasps. Gordon Brown’s mouth grasps for air and finding it carries on. Listen for a grunt on the film Zulu. None. It’s just singing.
Compare that to American legends like Sylvester Stallone who serialised his grunts into a franchise, and the French for whom the grunt can be translated into – and we’re not making this up – 5,321 different nuances.
It’s time to hang up Cliff Richard’s umbrella and bring in Frankie Goes To Hollywood.
“Tennis,” says Frankie.
“Ugh!” grunts the crowd, in the manner of Angelina Jolie taking on in the stomach.
What is it good for?
“Ugh!”
Abramovich Unveils Chelsea’s New Football Ground
ROMAN Abramovich has unveiled Chelsea’s new football ground.
To facilitate the global nature of the game, Chelsea will play aboard the Eclipse, a £300m, 557-long floating stadium.
The eclipse comes with a missile-detection system, and boasts parking for two helipads, a luxury spa and a swimming pool.
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Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces The Top Ten Goals Of All Time
CRISTIANO Ronaldo is off to Real Madrid. Time, then, for Anorak to look at why Ronaldo is worth the money in our Top Ten Greatest Goals of All Time.
With a few exceptions – as you will see hereunder – great goals are scored by great players. And Ronaldo promises to bring great goals to Real Madrid.
No Ronaldo on our list… Well, not yet.
Here follows Anorak’s Top Ten:
The Five Greatest Things About Cristiano Ronaldo
The Five Greatest Things About Cristiano Ronaldo –
SO farewell, Cristiano Ronaldo, you came, you were seen, you stepped over, you stepped over again, you stepped over three more times as if auditioning for the cha-cha-cha in Strictly Come Dancing.
You were ever the celebrity made footballer. And now BBC light entertainment recedes as you head to Spain.
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Posted: 11th, June 2009 | In: Key Posts, Sports | Comments (3)
Egypt’s Amr Zaki’s Worst Goal Celebration Ever
TO Egypt, where Egyptian footballer Amr Zaki is having six stitches woven into his face after celebrating a goal…
Fans Jeer As Footballer Anthony Van Loo Suffers Heart Attack
HERE’S a video of Belgian footballer Anthony Van Loo, who played for Roeselare, suffering a heart attack on the pitch.
Of course, what with this being football, the fans whistle and jeer as they, er, try to attract medical attention.
It works. He is saved. Hurrah for the caring fans!
Posted: 9th, June 2009 | In: Sports | Comment (1)
Roger Federer Signs for Barcelona
FOR a club of grace and charm, Barcelona is supported by clothes fetishists and other perverts.
At the French Open, a typical Barca fan showed of his nylon flag and then tried to stick his erect hat on Roger Federer’s head.
The last time something like this was tried, the target for the love was Thierry Henry. Then at Arsenal, Henry was presented with Barca shirt by a Catalan who wanted his idol to strip off and put it on.
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Aussie Rules Welcomes First Transsexual Player
WILL ‘Power’ is an Aussie Rules fan all set to become the Australia’s first transsexual to play competitive football.
Indeed, how it took this long for a sport played by men in hot pants and boob tunes to come out is worthy of much comment.
Australians love girls sports – tennis and swimming – and this news is long overdue.
Of course, transvestites are not the same as transsexuals, and Will ‘Power’, who was born a woman and had a sex change two years ago, dreams of playing for Collingwood. But first, he’s aiming for the Bendigo Football League.
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Iran And North Korea Avert World Cup War
IRAN 0 – North Korea 0. The FT:
He’ll shoot, he’ll score
He’ll eat your labrador
Kim Jonh Il
Football fans the world over love to tell anyone who will listen that their sport is “not just a game” – it means so much more than that.
You dirty northern bastards…
But the clash between North Korea and Iran in Pyongyang on Saturday could be one of those occasions when the cliché actually proves true. A World Cup qualifier between the two remaining members of George W. Bush’s infamous axis of evil – one fresh from a nuclear test, the other accused by some of wanting to conduct its own – sparks all sorts of international intrigue.
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Manchester United Swap ‘Respected’ AIG For Aon
MANCHESTER United has signed a four-year shirt sponsorship deal with the insurance giant Aon Corporation.
Aon will replace troubled US insurer AIG. Says the AON website:
Manchester United massively grows their sponsors’ brand recognition
• After one year’s sponsorship of Manchester United, the AIG brand was entered as the 47th most recognized brand in a survey of globally recognized brands
• 90% of Manchester United fans sited AIG as sponsor after first year
• AIG then jumped from 84 to 30 on Barron’s most respected list
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Andy Flintoff Bashes Australian Immigrants
IN readiness for the Ashes, Andrew Flintoff is making a thinly veiled dig at Austrlians who come to the UK and work in hotels.
Flintoff opines that the English language has been downgraded by immigration – or as the Mail put it:
‘Why can’t hotel staff speak English?’: Andrew Flintoff in bizarre anti-immigration outburst”
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Cricketer Murders Spectator
SOUTH African cricketer Jacques Rudolph is introducing the sport of pigeon shooting – a blood sport – to a Twenty20 match.
Cricket is always looking at ways to make it more marketable and having the players use the ball to take out wildlife is just one option of many:
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Gareth Barry Signs For Manchester City
GARETH Bary has signed for Manchester City from Aston Villa for £12m.
Says the BBC’s hack:
Barry has spent his entire career at Villa, playing over 400 games for the Midlands outfit and scoring 52 goals.
Aston Villa signed from Brighton and Hove Albion in 1997.
Newcastle United Sign German Strike Legend
WHEN did it all go wrong for Newsastle United? When Alan Shearer refused to grow a power moustache:
Serena Williams On Reality TV Show
TO Paris where shock news that tennis exists beyond the Wimbledon fortnight is overshadowed by Serena Williams calling her opponent Maria Jose Martinez Sanchez a cheat.
Williams says the ball went off Martinez Sanchez’s arm to win a crucial point. Martinez Sanchez thought that was a “stupid” thing for Williams to say.
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Simona Halep Breast Reduction Surgery
SIMONA Halep is to undergo surgery – to reduce her breasts. Says the tennis player:
“The breasts make me uncomfortable when I play. It’s the weight that troubles me – my ability to react quickly.”
Gallery:
Simona Halep: Romanian Tennis Ace’s Picture Gallery
Pictures:
How Lancashire Football Took Over The National Game
BURNLEY’S return to the top flight of English football was highly symbolic.
First, it came perfectly in time for the half-century commemoration of the legendary Clarets side that won the first division championship in 1960. (That’s the proper national title, by the way, not the puffed-up division three that calls itself “League One”.)
Secondly, it brings the total number of Lancashire clubs in the Premier League to eight. That’s an extraordinary 40 per cent.
Thirdly, it came at the expense of Sheffield United, who, by finishing third in the second tier of English football, hold the distinction of being Yorkshire’s 
second best team, above local rivals Sheffield Wednesday, and the county’s most recent national champions Leeds United, whose own play-off defeat leaves them languishing in the third tier for another year. Hull clung on to Premier status by the skin of their teeth, making them Yorkshire’s top dogs for another season.
In the past 50 seasons, starting with Burnley’s historic triumph, and finishing with Manchester United’s latest title, Lancashire clubs have won the national championship no fewer than 33 times. In that period, Yorkshire 
clubs – or rather one Yorkshire club – have won just three. (Leeds United in 1969, 1974 and 1992. They are also the only Yorkshire club to win it since the war.)
Of course, Yorkshire has fared no worse than many other counties. In fact it is one of the most successful historically, with Huddersfield Town and the two Sheffield sides winning eight titles between them in all.
But the gulf between the two sports-mad counties is quite remarkable nevertheless.
You might argue that a large amount of Yorkshire’s sporting energy is channeled into rugby league. And you would be right. Over the last 50 sea
sons the national championship has been won an impressive 23 times by Yorkshire clubs.
… And 27 times by teams from Lancashire.
Close, as they say, but no cigar.
Ed Barrett
Posted: 28th, May 2009 | In: Flashback, Sports | Comments (3)
Damien Walters Can Pick His Nose With His Ear
OLD MR Anorak taught Damien Walters everything he knows…
Says Simon Cowell:
“Can he sing? No. It’s just not talent….”
Next!
Arsenal Fans Unveil The Greatest Banner Ever
TO Arsenal where the fans are unfurling a banner that sums up just about everything that is good and bad about Arsenal. It reads:
“Arsène, On t’aime toujours”.
It’s not often you see a semicolon on a banner. The semi-colon is the erudite, esoteric grammar elements.
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Newcastle United Relgated
NEWCASTLE United have been relegated.
Finally, the world’s most maudlin fans in the world have something to weep about.
Will Alan Shearer stick it out in the Championship? Would any Newcastle fan dreaming of success want him to?
And then there’s club chairman Mike Ashley – the fan in the boardroom who seemingly took as his model the Spurs sides of the 80s and 90s and exceded that failure.
Still, on the bright side – they get to play Middlesborough next season…
Pakistan Cricket On Stumps And Shoaib’s Genital Viral Warts
THE Pakistan Cricket Board announces that Shoaib Akhtar – the Rawalpindi Express – will not be bowling at the World Twenty20 on account of his discreet matter:
The PCB has withdrawn Shoaib Akhtar from the 15-man squad for next month’s World Twenty20, saying – in an unusually revealing statement – that he had been diagnosed with genital viral warts.
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Football flashback: Liverpool fans taunt Man Utd with ill-advised banner
UNITED fans: “We’re back! What, you didn’t think we’d forget about the banner you paraded in 1994?”
Chris Lewis Presents Britain’s Jailed Sportsmen
FORMER England cricketer Chris Lewis has been found guilty of smuggling cocaine into Britain, having carried the drug inside his cricket bag on a flight to the UK from St Lucia.
Croydon Crown Court heard that Lewis had on him cans of fruit and vegetable juice containing dissolved cocaine with a street value of more than £140,000.
In hindsight, such capers always seem foolish: the recognisable face walking through customs will not be stopped by an official looking to experience the thrill of meeting a celebrity; and on his person he carries the exotica of canned vegetable juice.
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