Russian-Doll Roast

ROCK doves or rats with wings? Where do you stand on the debate over pigeons, the revolting cooing vermin?

Our attitude to pigeons may dictate how we react to the Times’s front-page photograph of a pigeon sat in the mouth of a pelican.

The scene is St James’s Park, haven for pelicans since 1664, when the Russian ambassador gave some to King Charles II. Resisting all urge to use the big pelican as the outer layer in a Russian-Doll Roast, the birds lived. And now look on as one pelican waddles over to a pigeon, scoops it up and eats it.

Agreed. Those are out thoughts entirely. The pelican is an endangered creature and it was foolish and impetuous to risk its health on such a revolting meal. We wish it well.

And when we read that there are only 4,000 breeding pairs of the pelican known as Easter whites, we demand a recount. And if the numbers are still low, we then demand that the pelican is placed on an intensive breeding programme before being introduced to every town centre and shopping precinct in the land.

And we can vote on it. The Times says that Trevor McDonald and Zoe Ball are to front a show in which viewers vote for which creature they want to save from extinction.

Of course, while we choose which one we want to save, we are also choosing which animals we want to see end up like so much Dodo.

But before we can dial a premium-rate number to “Save The Pelican” and “Kill The Pigeon”, we learn that the approved list features neither creature.

The makers of Extinct, the ITV show, have made their selections. The full list, with surviving numbers, runs:
Bengal Tiger (4,000)
Mountain Gorilla (400)
Hyacinth Macaw (2,500 – 5,000)
Giant Panda (1,600)
Leatherback turtle (50,000)
Polar bear (down by 30 per cent to?)
Orang-utan (less than 30,000)
Asian elephant (“big fall in population”)

A spokesman for the show, made by Endemol, who bring us Big Brother, denies the programme contains more than a dash of “sick prurience”.

Says Charlie Gardner: “The programme is about putting popular spin on a serious topic. It’s not something to be shamed of. We are raising awareness for each of these animals.”

So cast your votes. And know that the money raised will go to saving the winning animal from certain death.

Or you could just buy a pelican…

Posted: 25th, October 2006 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Soldier admits killing policeman

Michael Owen is out of the World Cup and flying back to England after rupturing his anterior cruciate knee ligament in the 2-2 draw with Sweden.

A scan on Wednesday confirmed the worst fears about Owen’s injury following his dramatic collapse early in the match.

"Obviously it’s a massive blow. As soon as it happened I knew I was in trouble," said the 26-year-old striker.

Coach Sven-Goran Eriksson said: "I’m sorry for him. But we have many players who can take that second striker role."

A scan on Wednesday confirmed the worst fears about Owen’s injury following his dramatic collapse early in the match.

"Obviously it’s a massive blow. As soon as it happened I knew I was in trouble," said the 26-year-old striker.

Coach Sven-Goran Eriksson said: "I’m sorry for him. But we have many players who can take that second striker role."

Posted: 21st, June 2006 | In: Strange But True | Comment

I Don’t

‘SHELLEY Unwin and Jay-Lo have more than enormous arses in common – between the two of them, they’re keeping the wedding dress industry afloat.

Do you, Shelley, take Charlie to keep you in a plot that goes nowhere so long as you both shall live?

Despite her disasterous first marriage to Peter Baldwin (who forgot to mention that he was already married at the time he said “I do”), Shelley was determined to give marriage another go. This time round she’d avoid a bigamist and settle on a cheating, abusive, bully.

Charlie was so determined to be the only person in Shelley’s life that he proposed to her not because he wanted to marry her but so that he could control her. He even banned her from seeing her therapist Zack after she started to enjoy spending time with him. “I know Zack sleeps with his patients,” Charlie lied. If only that were true for Shelley’s sake.

The night before her wedding to Charlie, the Rovers ladies decided to throw an impromptu hen party for Shelley. “Don’t do it Shelly luv,” sobbed her mum, “he’s a monster.” Violet proceeded to tell Shelley about the time she nearly slept with him and Liz waded in with tales of how Charlie had tried to lure her into bed. “Yer all just jealous,” ranted Shelly, “’cos I’m happy and yer not.”

Meanwhile, across town, the groom-to-be was getting stuck into a blonde on his stag night. “It’s me farewell treat,” he told a disgusted Jason. “Tomorrow I start me life sentence.”

The day of the wedding double episode special dawned and Weatherfield residents and viewers alike were all betting on if the marriage was actually going to happen. Shelley’s mother had dressed in black, and not a single person had turned up to see Shelley off. “Are yer sure you wanna go through with this, luv?” whispered Fred who’d volunteered to give her away when no one else would. “I’ve got to,” replied Shelley, looking like an overfed lamb to the slaughter.

In a break from tradition, the bride made it to the church before the groom after Charlie slept in with his one night stand. “I wasn’t sure you were gonna turn up,” hissed Shelley to Charlie, as he smugly took his place next to her in front of the vicar. Charlie smirk was wiped off his face though when Shelley turned to him and said: “Well now yer here, I’m off. I’m not going to marry yer,” and swept majestically out of the church in front of her cheering mum and friends.

Hopefully this will be the end of a very tedious storyline, and Shelley is going to be allowed to stop playing the loony in the attic and that Charlie is going to slink off to sort out his Panto contract in time for Christmas.

Elsewhere on The Street, Norris’s ex-wife Angela made a welcome cameo re-appearance as she tried to persuade the gossip to become husband number seven. “Come along now, Norris, stop wasting your time in this back street stationers, I’ve got plenty of jobs you can be doing for me,” she beckoned. Angela owns one of the North’s largest stationary firms and Norris’s little eyes lit up at the thought of becoming heir to acres of spiral bound notebooks.

He finally decided not to take his thirty pieces of silver and is staying put in the Kabin after Rita offered him a “junior partnership.”

“I think we should re-name the Kabin after me,” twittered Norris, “How about the Cole hole,” muttered the long-suffering Rita.’

Posted: 23rd, September 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Taken For a Ride

‘DANNY Baldwin’s always sailed close to the wind – shacking up with his son’s babysitter and going bankrupt through dodgy dealings – but even by his standards his affair with Leanne is beyond the realms of decency. The fair Frankie almost caught the grubby pair in a hotel in Manchester this week.

‘I heard you were a bit of a nag’

Danny had sent son Jamie to Holland to drop off some knickers so that he could drop off some knickers of his own – those of Jamie’s girlfriend Leanne. The minute Jamie had set off, Danny was on the phone to Leanne to tell her that he’d booked them into a hotel in Manchester.

Unfortunately for Leanne, Vera ‘Dumbo’ Duckworth was listening in and promptly told Frankie that she’d heard Leanne arranging a date for that evening. Frankie hopped into her car and followed the hussy, dressed in her best pelmet skirt, into the hotel Leanne had arranged to meet Danny in.

Frankie pulled out her mobile and dialled up her husband: “Babe – what’s the best way of emptying out a hotel?” she asked him. “Simple,” replied her cheating husband as he removed Leanne’s top with his teeth, “set off the fire alarm.”

It didn’t occur to Danny to ask quite why his wife wanted the information and seconds later the fire alarm was ringing throughout the hotel. Quick as a flash, Leanne was back into her clothes and calmly sauntered down into reception where she bumped into Frankie. “Gotcha!” gloated Frankie, only to be told by Leanne that she’d gone to the hotel for a job interview. “I’m so sorry Leanne,” blushed Frankie, “I should never have doubted you.”

Perhaps if Frankie had been a bit more doubting then she’d have realised that a man who runs off with his teenaged babysitter isn’t going to bat an eyelid at pulling his son’s girlfriend.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, things are hotting up between Maria and new mechanic Nathan. “What does a girl like you see in Tyrone?” he whispered to her in the Rovers, “you could do so much better.”

Maria popped in to the garage the next day and Nathan just happened to have his top off, doing his impression of the diet coke bloke. “Tyrone’s out,” he purred, “anything I can help you with – you would like a servicing?” Maria’s overheating under her bonnet and it’s clear that it’s not going to be long before Nathan’s giving her pipes a very good clear out.

More sexual frustration boiling over at The Rovers as Shelly caught Charlie having a lock in with a mystery brunette. In true Charlie style, though, he’s managed to turn it around so that the dumbest blonde in the universe actually ended up apologising to him for “forcing him” into it. “I can change,” she whined to Charlie. Change into what? She’s already a doormat.

One woman who never takes anything lying down (she much prefers it up against the wall) is Liz McDonald. Liz had been dating one of Ken’s teaching colleagues, Bob.

He suggested that Liz come round one evening to his house so that he could photograph her, “to capture the true essence of beauty through art.” Which should have been enough to sound warning bells – Liz McDonald is more Venus De Manchester Ship canal than De Milo.

And sure enough, the real reason that Bob had asked her to pose for him became clear. “Why not slip off that dress,” he oozed, “and jump onto this?” pulling out a horse’s saddle. Liz’s face hadn’t looked more horrified since she was given an OAP discount in Anne Summers.’

Posted: 19th, August 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Eyes Down

‘SHELLY’S back at The Rovers after her operation which, unfortunately for her and the long-suffering viewing public, didn’t include brain surgery. Bev saw her daughter staggering back into the pub wearing dark glasses and as usual put two and two together and came up with five.

Shelly’s future is not so bright

She marched into The Rovers and accused Charlie of beating up her daughter. “Why would a woman be wearing dark glasses inside unless she has something to hide?” Bev screamed at Charlie. “Yer a monster!” Shelly marched her mother upstairs and showed Bev the hospital bill for her eye lift. “Oh Shell love,” whispered Bev, “what’s he done to yer?”

Bev’s latest plan to get Shelly to leave Charlie involved her breaking into his office and stealing some of his customers’ details. She then proceeded to down a bottle of vodka before calling them up at random and telling them that Charlie was either cheating them out of money or sleeping with their wives. As cunnings plans go, it’s hardly up their with the Brinks Mat robbery. Especially as one of the customers she phoned went straight round to tell Charlie that some “mad drunk woman,” had called to say that Charlie had been sleeping with his wife. “Which would ‘ave taken a miracle as she’s been dead seven years.”

Shelly’s other champion, Ciaran, has washed his hands of her after yet another run in with Charlie. “Come away with me now Shel’ or it’s goodbye forever,” he pleaded with her. But of course the loon isn’t going anywhere – at least until producers have milked this tedious storyline for as long as they can.

As one relationship withers it looks like another might be starting. The only gay in Weathefield, Sean, might have finally found true love – in the shape of vet Tim. Sean’s taken to acting like the Street’s Doctor Doolitte, rounding up residents’ pets and volunteering to take them to the vet’s so that he can flirt with Tim.

The jury’s still out on quite what Tim makes of Sean, although he has agreed to join him for a walk with Sean’s imaginary dog, “Britney Marie”. Although as we all know, it’s another sort of dogging entirely that our Sean’s interested in.

On the subject of dogs, it seems that everyone’s favourite idiot, Kirk, is about to become the owner of his own business when his and Maria’s parents announce that they’re moving to Cyprus and leaving their dog kennelling business to Kirk and Maria to run. “I’ve spent years tryin’ to better myself,” sneered Maria, “I’m not about to go back to washing poodles for a living.” Indeed, she’s got enough on her plate trying to housetrain Tyrone.

The fur is really set to fly though when Maria and Kirk’s parents decided to leave the whole business just to Kirk, and Fizz moves in with him to help run the business.

Which is funny – it’s usually Kirk and Tyrone who are fighting over dogs.’

Posted: 25th, July 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Warren Muffs It

‘SHELLY’S descent into madness continues as she now decides that the answer to all her problems is plastic surgery. Unfortunately she’s not planning on having 13 stone of useless fat removed by leaving Charlie but is seriously considering bodily mutilation as an answer to her problems.

Shrinking Violet and growing Charlie

Even Charlie’s surprised by just how far she’s prepared to go to please him, although not as far as sleeping with him – which at least goes to show that she may be mentally ill but at least she’s not that mad.

In his frustration, Charlie turned to Jason’s girlfriend and Rovers’ barmaid Violet for some ‘understanding’. The pair ended up rolling around on the Rovers bonk-quettes in an after-hours drinking session. But just as Charlie was about to show her his pile driver, she came to her senses. “Yer just like that stupid slag upstairs,” growled Charlie as Violet made a hasty exit. After being rejected by two women in a week, there’s no telling what Charlie will do – try it on with Cilla possibly.

Danny Baldwin is another man playing with fire. Not content with being married to the sexiest woman in Weatherfield, he’s now having an affair with his son’s girlfriend, Leanne. While poor Frankie tries to comfort her step-son Jamie over the fact that his real mum is a hopeless alcoholic, Leanne and Danny are jumping into bed together at every chance they get: no wonder Danny works in women’s underwear.

Leanne’s mum Janice is getting suspicious, though: “Have you got another fella?” she leered at Leanne, with a mouthful of chips. Jamie has asked Leanne to move in with him but she turned him down, worried that it would mean she wouldn’t be able to carry on seeing his father. Some things are a little too close to home, even for our Leanne.

Jamie’s younger brother Warren is also having woman trouble. On hearing the news that Warren had been sacked by Weatherfield County, Candice decided to give him a red card too. “Yer doin’ nothing for my career, Warren – yer just dragging me down,” Candice told him in front of a packed Rovers. Candice is going to regret her actions though when Warren gets signed to a Spanish side. Admittedly, it’s a Third Division side who’s chairman only signed him because his middle-aged wife Julia has taken a shine to him, but that’s still a considerable step up from working in the back street hairdressers where Candice is languishing.

Elsewhere in the The Street, everyone’s favourite mental mummy, Tracy Barlow, is back – and determined to get revenge on Steve McDonald. She’s bullied Roy into agreeing to testify that he’s the father of Amy and is planning on taking a court order out against Steve to stop him from ‘harassing’ her.

“If I have to stand up in court an’ testify that I’m a slag who don’t know who the dad of my kid is, then I’ll do it,” she told a worried Steve – worried because he knows as well as anyone that there’s not a court in the land that would rule against the fact that Tracy’s a complete slapper…’

Posted: 15th, July 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Dirty Dan

‘YOU’D think that marriage to Karen ‘fishwife’ McDonald would have taught Steve at least a few lessons but he seems fatally attracted to mentally deranged women – it’s probably some sort of mother complex.

Sigourney Weaver, eat yer heart out

After practically taking out a restraining order against her six months ago, Steve’s now going out with Tracy Barlow. He tells his mum it’s so that he can be close to his daughter, but even ‘Fathers For Justice’ would draw the line at that sort of sacrifice.

Tracy’s now persuaded Blanche to chuck out the Barlows and rent her house out to her and Steve. “Just think of it, babe,” whispered Tracy to a terrified Steve, “we’ll be together forever.” To make matters even more complicated, Steve’s Irish fling, Louise, has walked back into Weatherfield. “If I see you anywhere Riverdance girl, I’ll break every bone on both your bodies,” snarled Tracy. It’s almost as good as having Karen back.

Liz McDonald has got her own relationship troubles to contend with; marrying mentalists clearly runs in the family as she’s just been told that ‘yer man’ Jim won’t be out of prison now for another two years because he started a fight.

Liz has decided that she’s had enough. “I have needs, Steve,” she told an understandably horrified son. Of course our Liz isn’t backwards at coming forwards and within the space of two episodes she’d taken one of Ken Barlow’s friends to bed.

“Bob knows how to treat a lady,” she told Tracy. He also obviously knows how to treat a desperate middles-aged slapper as it took him less than four drinks to get into Liz’s bed.

There’s more family trouble brewing over at the Baldwin house as dad Danny has decided he needs to get to know his son’s girlfriend a lot better – including finding out what she looks like without any clothes on. Danny’s track record at fidelity isn’t the best: he left his first wife for Frankie who was their son’s teenage babysitter at the time. He clearly feels that it’s time to trade in for a newer model although Frankie’s not going to take being put out on the scrapheap lying down.

Elsewhere in The Street, Bev has decided to return to Weatherfield to save her daughter (aka the mad woman in the attic) from Charlie’s evil clutches. The news of Bev’s black eye has filtered through to her and she’s now convinced that Charlie’s beating her beloved daughter into a pulp.

Like a dolly-dyed avenging fury, she swooped down on The Rovers and demanded access to Shelly. But Charlie’s got Shelly trained in a way that a police dog-handler would be proud of. “Shelly…leave it!” he growled at her, “If you have anything to do with your mum again, you know it’s over.”

Bev’s not one to give up easily though and has installed herself in the flat above the builder’s yard and has got a job in the Weatherfield Arms. “The smell of old woman’s making me sick,” Charlie snarled at her when he bumped into Bev outside his yard.

“It’s you that’s sick,” hissed Bev, “keeping my daughter caged like an animal.” Maybe someone should point out to Bev that if Shelly was less like a donkey then he wouldn’t have to.’

Posted: 17th, June 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Ride On Sally

‘THIS week, Cilla and Les have decided to get married. As ideas go, it’s up there with: “Let’s invade Iraq!”

There were no takers even when Les agreed to give away the bride for free

The gruesome twosome have returned from a seven-week holiday in Spain to a council flat full of broken furniture and dead-end jobs. Les has managed to talk himself back into his cabbing job. “Blimey Les! I know traffic’s bad, but seven weeks on an airport run has to be an all-time record!” scoffed Steve McDonald.

Cilla wasn’t as lucky, though, as Liz refused to take her back behind the bar of the Weatherfield Arms; so she’s now reduced to frying up lard in the local chip shop. Well, if anyone’s qualified to handle lumps of greasy fat, it’s our Cilla.

Cilla’s decided that a job in the chip shop isn’t going to keep her in Bacardi and boob tubes, so she’s forced Les into agreeing to marry her? “Think of the presents luv,” she leered at him. “People love a good wedding.” Unfortunately for the happy couple, they’ve failed to factor into account the fact that everyone hates them. The only present they’re likely to get out of their neighbours is an Anti-Social Behaviour Order.

Builder Charlie Stubbs is another unpopular Weatherfield resident. Sunita and Dev have accused him of doing a bodged job on their corner shop renovation when a nail hammered through a water pipe caused the whole ceiling to come down. When Dev confronted Charlie in the Rovers, Charlie settled the argument by punching him in the face.

Although it could be argued that punching Dev in the face is hardly a crime, it didn’t go down very well with regulars. “You ought to be ashamed of yerself,” Betty told him. To which Shelly launched into a bizarre defence of her beloved, saying that she was glad “her man” was willing to protect her. From a greasy shopkeeper? What was he going to do? Oil her to death?

Author Mel Hutchwright is also causing quite a stir. The author of ‘Hard Grinding’ has graciously agreed to move in with Emily and Norris for inspiration while he works on his new novel, and to give Norris some literary tips. “Take in the cobbles, the smell of chips on the air and the pigeons…liquid gold,” he raved to Norris. “How I envy you your simple life.”

So far it’s only Ken who’s cottoned onto the fact that by “soaking in the life of you humble people,” Mel is effectively living rent free.

Biggest bounder of the week though is Ian Davenport. Since Sally discovered that Ian slept with the temp while she was on holiday, she’s decided to end their affair. Which in Ian’s book means that she’s served her purpose and he wants her gone to make room for a ‘more accommodating’ replacement.

He’s determined to make her life as miserable as possible to force her to quit. This week he had her washing all the cars on the forecourt and going on the sandwich run. But as Sally pointed out: “I’ve had to do a lot of degrading things already in this job.”

The pair seemed to have reached a compromise when Ian promised her a job transfer over to another garage. Unfortunately when Sally got there, it seems that Ian had briefed her new boss on exactly where Sally’s skills lay and it wasn’t her words per minute.

She fled in tears and told Kevin another loads of half truths about how she’d had to leave her job as Ian was all over her like a rash. And being the simple mechanic that he is, he believed her. Even when Ian told him in graphic detail exactly what Sally had done to get her quarterly bonus. “I don’t believe yer!” Kevin cried, before smacking Ian in the face.

Poor Kevin, he should have realised that as a second hand car dealer, Ian was bound to want to take his old banger round the block a few times…’

Posted: 16th, May 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Water Board

‘FRED’S used to making money out of crap (he sells meat pies), but this time he’s surpassed himself by trying to pass off sewerage as fresh spring water. Fred thinks that he’s discovered Weatherfield’s mythical Healing Well under Audrey’s back garden, and he’s seeing pound signs flashing in front of him.

Passenger on board

Fred’s so convinced that he’s about to become a millionaire that he’s even put the Rovers up for sale in a bid to raise the funds to start his own bottling plant. Poor Fred’s about to have his dreams shattered yet again though when it’s discovered that his discovery is an underground sewage leak rather than Weatherfield’s answer to Lourdes.

Someone else about to have their hopes of wealth and celebrity dashed is Candice, a girl who makes Coleen McLoughlin look like an intellectual giant. Candice has decided that she needs to become ‘famous’ so that her footballing boyfriend Warren won’t leave her. “Well what can you do, luv?” Audrey asked her hairdressing assistant. Candice looked confused: “Wot do yer mean, what can I do? I just wanna be famous.” Well it’s worked for Abi Titmus and Jade Goody, among others.

Candice has decided to try her luck at becoming a weathergirl. “It worked for Ulrika didn’t it?” she told her stunned boyfriend. Well, if your ambition is to have three children by three different men, then she couldn’t have picked a better role model.

Candice would be better off taking some tips from Tracy Barlow about getting what you want. After two years of borderline stalking, she finally landed her prize: a night of passion with balding, ex-con Steve McDonald. A fact that her grandmother Blanche was quick to point out. “Two years and he’s taken yer to bed twice. Never out dancing or to the pictures. Hardly the romance of the century is it?” she scoffed.

Tracy has turned to Steve for ‘comfort’ after Ray’s funeral. Steve had offered her a “glass of wine” which we all know in Soap Speak is the equvilent of saying: “brace yerself luv, you’ve pulled.”

The course of Soap Love never did run smooth, though, and only minutes after Tracy had pulled her pants on from the night before, the rot had set in. Tracy thought Steve stood her up for a drink in The Rovers and so made a point of kissing Nathan in front of everyone; Steve retaliated by taking Kelly’s telephone number. Of course this can only mean that they’ll be tripping down the aisle in a matter of months.

But there’ll be no wedding bells for Martin as his plans to marry Katy Harris are shattered by the fact that she’s about to die. Katy hovers between life and death in Weatherfield General after she left a note confessing to the killing of her father and then tried to commit suicide.

Although after ten years of marriage to Gail, getting wed to a corpse is something Martin’s probably used to.’

Posted: 21st, April 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Katy’s Acting Funny

‘THE stench of death hangs over Weatherfield this week – with Tommy’s funeral, Ray’s terminal cancer and Katy’s appalling acting.

Anyone got a monkey wrench?

Katy’s been doing an impression of Pete Doherty without a fix ever since she killed her dad – all shakes, twitches and generally being so incredibly irritating you’re just itching to smack her in the face with a monkey wrench.

Angela is terrified that Katy’s going to crack so she’s conjured up a plan to frame the ‘Sheffield lot’ – the gangsters she testified against.

Unfortunately, Angela is to criminal planning what Darren Day is to marriage guidance. Her cunning plan consisted of using the computer at Underworld to type herself an anonymous note saying “You’re next” which she was then going to post to herself from Sheffield.

Of course Hayley caught her in the act and threatened to go to the police: “If you do that, yer signing our death warrant,” Angela sobbed. Hayley, being the good egg/ sap that she is agreed to take the letter to Sheffield herself and post it after she’d been convinced by Angela’s hysterics that her life really was in danger. “I’ll never forget what you’ve done for us,” Angela told Hayley outside the chip shop, crushing Hayley (and three large cod and chips) to her breast.

And on the subject of gullible fools, Shelly’s back from her holiday with Charlie – tanned but still stupid. When Charlie discovered she’d sent Sunita a postcard and appeared to be making up with her, the bullying builder decided to put a stop to it. “I’m sick of yer lies,” he whined. “I don’t think I can trust you any more. It’s like yer choosing Sunita over me.”

When Sunita appeared in the Rovers, Shelly threw her out. “You’ve never liked Charlie,” she sneered to her one-time best friend, who clearly is a much better judge of character than Shelly could ever be – she’s gone from a bigamous marriage straight into an abusive relationship.

And to further the poor woman’s suffering, she now seems to be sporting a hair cut inspired by Dougal from ‘The Magic Roundabout’.

Elsewhere on the Street, Ray Langton has now moved into the Barlows after Emily finally admitted that at 70-odd she wasn’t up to nursing a terminally ill man.

Ken was less than delighted with the news and then really threw his jumpers out the wardrobe when he was told that Deidre and Tracy would be spending the day with Ray on a family trip to Scarborough.

Blanche was a lot more understanding. “I can’t stand the man any more than you can,” she hissed to Ken, “but death puts a different complexion on things.” Blanche has even tried to cheer Ray up but giving him something to look forward to. “It would be a great help if yer could start planning yer funeral,” she told him, “save us the bother.” What a loss to nursing that woman was.

Another less than caring mother, Cilla, is also back to form – having abandoned Chesney to Hayley and Roy while she and Les soak up the sun in Spain.

Chesney is less than concerned though, this being a regular occurrence in the little lad’s life. “Can I go and get me Jackie Chan videos from the house?” was all the reaction he had on hearing the news that his mother had disappeared yet again.

Chesney and Roy have taken up jujitsu in order to protect themselves on the Streets. “Let’s face it Uncle Roy,” the child genius told him, “we need all the help we can get. I’m ginger and you’re – you’re just well – special.”

Out of the mouths of babes, eh?’

Posted: 30th, March 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

And Then There Were Three

‘THEY say that you reap what you sow; after a lifetime of lashing out first before thinking, Tommy Harris was brutally murdered by his daughter Katy in a fit of anger. He’d obviously taught her well. Never the most stable or intelligent of teenagers (well, look who her parents are), Katy was pushed over the edge by Tommy’s goading. “Platt was never gonna stick with yer,” he jeered. “Couple of years and he’d be sniffing round some other school girl – maybe Sally’s Rosie. You can’t change a paedo.”

Tommy had convinced Katy that Martin had been having an affair with Sally Webster and had frog-marched her down to the abortion clinic to get: “get rid of the bastard Platt spawn.” What a great loss to humanity that man’s death is.

Unfortunately for Tommy, even someone as stupid as Katy was bound to discover that Martin and Sally having an affair is about as likely as the Queen inviting Camilla for a girlie sleep-over. “You lied to me!” roared Katy to Tommy, who she’d confronted in Martin’s garage where he was working after hours. “And?” smirked the ginger one, for the very last time. Katy picked up an iron wrench and smacked her dad on the head. Amazingly, for a man with the thickest skull in history, one tiny tap and he was dead.

It was just at this moment when Angela popped over to the garage and witnessed her daughter killing her husband. “Is… is he dead?” whispered Katy. “I’ve got his brain’s all down me cardie!” screamed Angela in what has to be one of the Street’s most surreal lines.

Angela quickly decided that she didn’t want to see her daughter in prison for ever (although most Street viewers would be more than happy) and decided to try and frame Martin. Angela ushered her hysterical daughter out of the garage, leaving her dead husband to be found by Tyrone in the morning.

Angela’s plans are quickly falling apart though as her moronic, murdering daughter keeps screaming and crying in front of the police about how: “it’s all her fault.”

Martin has also been released by the police due to lack of evidence, although there are plenty in the Street only too happy to convict him. “I don’t know how you’ve got the nerve to come back in here,” muttered Kevin into his pint as Martin walked into the Rovers. Kevin’s such a good judge of character he hasn’t even noticed that his wife’s been having an affair for six months. Poirot he ain’t.

Thankfully we’ll be seeing the last of the Harris family (or what’s left of them) soon – as Katy’s about to commit suicide and Angela and Craig leave to pass on their happy family tips elsewhere.

The Barlows are also struggling to keep their family together as the return of Deirdre’s first husband, Ray, is causing all sorts of problems. Deirdre’s put her re-marriage to Ken on hold while she tends to her ex husband who’s dying of cancer – much to Ken and Blanche’s annoyance.

“If he’s dying, I wish he’d just get on with it,” said Blanche – who’s clearly attended the Tommy Harris School Of Charm. Tracy has suddenly had a 180 degree turn of heart towards her estranged dad on hearing the news that he’s built up quite a fortune and is trying to decide who to leave it to.

As regular viewers will know, money is everything to Tracy; she slept with Roy for a 1 penny bet and tried to sell her daughter for a couple of thousand; God only knows what she’d be prepared to do for some serious cash.’

Posted: 17th, March 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Wrenched Apart

‘KATY screams: “You have destroyed my life. I had a man I loved. A baby I longed for. A future.” Tommy rants at her: “It was a fantasy! You’re a bloody kid!”

She’s bad

He hands her the wrench he was using and turns back to the engine he was working on.

“Anyway, I know you’d keep going back to him. You’re a glutton for punishment. But once you’d killed his kid, I knew there’d be no way he’d want you. Anyway, you’re probably getting a little bit old for his tastes now.” Katy yells: ‘Shut up talking about him like that!”

Tommy: “I thought it was Sally but now I think about it, it was probably Rosie he was after. I mean, everybody knows he likes a bit of school uniform.” (And what self-respecting male does not?)

Crack! Katy brains the brain-dead ginger knob with the wrench, leaving him lying on the cold garage floor. Angela walks in just in time to witness the murderous act

Angela, using her hair as a mop, does a clean-up job and shoos Katy back to the house.

Kevin finds the body He looks round and tells Tyrone: “I think he’s dead!” (Either that or Tommy’s doing a passable impression of Sally in bed.)

Katy falls apart in continued bouts of hysteria. She’s sobbing and growing ever more pale. She’s wandering around in her pyjamas. She’s the centre of global attention. She’s the Michael Jackson of Weatherfield!

Over the street, Queen Sean rushes into the house, throws himself down onto the sofa and wails. “He’s dead!” “We know. Tommy was a really good bloke,” says idiot boy Jason. Sean: “Not Tommy! Shandy! He’s passed away!”

As Sean’s one-eyed dog is lowered into the ground, the knicker stitcher launches into a rendition of Barry Manilow’s hit song Mandy. It’s worthy of any Eurovision contest entrant.

“Oh Shandy, well you came and you gave without taking, they took you away. Oh Shandy, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking, they took you away. Oh Shandy.” Who needs Jarvine and Jordan? Shandy’s our best in show.

Meanwhile, another dad is dying. Ray tells Dreary that he’s terminally ill. So he’s gone to die at Emily’s – to get in training for the experience of actually being dead.

At this rate, Ken might be the only man left alive in the Street. And even then, we can’t be too sure that he didn’t die years ago…’

Posted: 13th, March 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

What Katy Did

‘TOMMY Harris is about to learn the hard way that meddling in other people’s relationships will only ever end in disaster – just ask Jerry Springer.

‘Pah! I’d rather shag Gail!’

Tommy has taken great delight in splitting up his daughter Katy and Martin – he also tried to split up Sally and Kevin on the way just for a bit of extra fun.

“Yer’ve moved on from little girls to married women then have yer?” the odious one goaded Martin in the street. “You’d better be careful Kev,” he sneered, “it won’t be long before he ditches yer wife for yer daughter.”

Kevin, having about as many brain cells as Monica the greyhound, was quick to believe Tommy’s lies. “I’ll kill yer,” he screamed at Martin as Tommy stood by, quietly laughing into his mug of tea.

In an amazing display of two-faced hypocrisy any Member of Parliament could only dream of aspiring to, Sally managed to convince Kevin that the idea of her having an affair was utterly ridiculous.

However, Kevin and 11-year old daughter Sophie may be easy to deceive (having about the same mental age), but older daughter Rosie isn’t as dumb. Sally must be regretting ever sending Rosie to a private school where she’s finally learnt to add two and two to make four.

“Yer havin’ an affair with Gemma’s dad, aren’t yer?” she asked her horrified mum. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

So far Sally has managed to keep her daughter quiet by a combination of intimidation and blackmail: “If yer tell yer dad then we’ll get a divorce and it’ll be all your fault,” she screamed at her shaken child.

Across the road, Tommy is also displaying marvellous parenting skills, frog-marching his pregnant daughter off to have an abortion. “You don’t want to bring up the bastard child of Martin Platt, do yer?” he asked her. “You’ve got yer whole life ahead of yer.” Which is actually about two weeks as Katy is about to kill herself.

Martin hasn’t taken the break up and news of the abortion well – not to mention the fact that all his friends were only to ready to believe that he’d cheat on Katy with Sally Webster.

“I guess it’s a compliment in a way,” wittered Norris outside the Kabin to Betty and Gail, “that having tasted both the young and old vintages, Martin prefers a more mature wine.”

Gail rushed round to Sally’s for an explanation. “It’s totally ridiculous – the idea that I would be having an affair with Martin,” Sally scoffed. Gail pointed out that Sally was actually having an affair with someone else but in Simple Sally’s world, the two are entirely different.

More relationship mix ups this week in Weatherfield when Tracy came face to face with her father Ray Langton.

It’s been a good twenty years since Ray was last in the street but he certainly came back with a bang; almost running his long lost daughter over in his car – which, let’s face it, would be the best welcome home present anyone could have possibly hoped for.’

Posted: 8th, March 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Tommy’s Troubles

‘THE stage is being set for Coronation Street’s very own Shakespearean tragedy – Othello, King Lear and Macbeth all rolled into one and played out on the cobbled streets of Weatherfield.

”I’ll always be here for you, love”

Tommy is about to be murdered by his own daughter after he convinces her that Martin is having an affair with Sally.

Tommy isn’t the brightest button in the box and when he sees Martin going into Sally’s house he immediately concludes that the aging nurse is her fancy fella.

The tragedy is that, for the first time in his life, Martin is actually doing a spot of nursing, having gone to check up on Sally’s daughter Rosie, who’s complaining of an upset tummy.

In spite of Martin’s protests, Tommy is like a dog with a bone (only twice as stupid) and won’t let go of the idea. He even manages to convince Katy that his lunatic ramblings are grounded in reality – which will ultimately lead to his murder in two weeks’ time.

The irony is that Sally really is having an affair but when Katy’s mum hears her and Gail talking in The Rovers about “how it’s a mate of Kevin’s,” she’s convinced that it’s Martin too.

Of course, Martin isn’t nearly a good enough catch for Sally and her borderline prostitution needs nowadays. She’s set her heights much higher, casually telling an open-mouthed Gail that she’s going to carry on sleeping with Ian and taking his ‘bonuses’ to put her daughters through university.

“You’ve changed, Sally,” Gail told her. “I don’t know who you are any more.” “Good!” Sally tartly (and tartily) replied. “I’m on the up now.” Well, she’s certainly not the first woman to get on the up by lying on her back.

Shelly is another dumb blonde who’s happily let herself be manipulated by a man. And she’s even dumber than Sally as she’s not even getting paid.

Charlie has persuaded Shelly that her best friend Sunita has been bitching about her behind her back. He’s determined to turn Shelly against Sunita because he can’t bear the fact that she’s got any friends or life without him.

“I didn’t want to tell ya this,” he lied, “but I overheard Sunita saying that you were still really fat and laughin’ at yer.” “Thank God I’ve got you, Charlie,” sobbed the brainless pudding.

There’s trouble in another relationship over the road as newly-wed Claire has decided she wants to go back to work. “I’m a qualified nanny,” she told Fred and Ashley, before bizarrely deciding to apply for a job as a tram driver.

“I’ve always had a dream to drive trams,” she told a startled Fred and Ashley, “ever since me dad told me story of Terry the Tram when I were a kid.”

Fred is horrified at the prospect of his daughter-in-law becoming a tram driver. “Why does she need a job?” he asked his son, “She’s got us to look after.” No wonder Fred’s still single.

Fred’s offered her an (unpaid) job at the butcher’s which unsurprisingly she’s turned down. Being married to Ashley, she already gets to handle all the uncooked, greasy white meat she can handle.’

Posted: 28th, February 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sally Fourth…Or Fifth

‘SIMPLE Sally’s relationship with her boss isn’t the straightforward affair that she thought it was going to be.

”I said I was having trouble with my clutch”

Ian and his wife have taken their daughter on holiday for half-term week and while he was away, Sally received an unexpected visitor at the car showroom.

“I’m Della Hopkins,” the glamorous brunette told Sally. “I used to do your job – all of your job, if you get my drift. I believe you’re number 4…or is it 5?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” a flustered Sally tried to convince Della, “we have a strictly professional relationship.”

But Della knows our Ian a lot better than that. “Come off it, love! He trades in his women as often as he trades in his cars – except that he treats his cars a lot better.”

Sally rushed straight round to her agony aunt Gail – with the emphasis being on the viewers’ agony as Sally droned on and on for two episodes. “I’m going to tell Kevin everything,” Sally told Gail, mentally. “It’s the only way out of this mess.”

Once the double gin she’d downed had worn off, Sally came to her senses and realised that Kevin may not see her affair with Ian in the same light that she does, i.e. as part of her career development.

Sally may have her hand forced soon, however, as Tommy has put two and two together and for once come up with the right number. “I reckon she’s ‘avin’ an affair,” he growled to wife Angela over a pint in The Rovers.

So far Angela’s managed to convince Tommy not to say anything, but for a man with a fuse shorter than Mike Tyson’s, it’s unlikely he’s going to be able to stick to that promise.

And on the subject of psychotic men, Charlie is determined to “make Sunita pay” – and that’s not for one of Betty’s Hotpots. Charlie discovered that Sunita tampered with the scales during the great Shelly weigh-in.

“Don’t worry, love,” the charmer of the year told her the night before she was due to get weighed, “some women suit loads of extra flab.”

With 24 hours left to go, Shelly was still two pounds over the ‘target weight’ Charlie had set her. She spent the whole of Valentine’s Day in the gym but short of chopping off her head – she was never going to make it.

On second thoughts, even a total lobotomy wouldn’t have made much difference, given the fact she clearly has no brain in the first place.’

Posted: 23rd, February 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Dog-Napping

‘AFTER putting one child in care and trying to use another to blackmail Rita for money, Cilla was never going to win any parenting prizes.

That’s no pedigree animal

But even by her standards she’s excelled herself with her latest scam to both make some cash and reduce her youngest child to tears.

Poor Chesney hasn’t had much luck in his life – he was born ginger for a start – but things seemed to be looking up for the little lad when he moved in with Les and Kirk. The pair of them may have the IQ of a single Cheeky Girl, but they really do care for the boy.

However, Cilla is determined that her kids are going to grow up as dysfunctional and twisted as she is, so she’s decided that Chesney needs being taught a lesson.

When she caught his dog, Schmeichel, chewing up her best pair of PVC vinyl hookers’ boots, she’d decided she’d had enough and dog-marched him out of the house and promptly sold him to a mate for £100 and a red plastic jacket.

Cilla’s was the one feeling gutted, however, when Kirk told her that Chesney had probably been dog-napped as being a pedigree dog, he was worth at least a thousand pounds. Being an inbred old hound herself, there’s no way she’d have recognised a quality animal.

Cilla’s determined to get the dog back and while everyone was out trying to find Schmeichel, she cut out a ransom note out from pages of The Star: “£200 by tomorrow or the dog gets it.” Well, if anyone knows the price of a dog, then it’s our Cilla.

Tommy is another unfit Weatherfield parent – maybe it’s a ginger thing? Katy is refusing to speak to him after he suggested she abort her child (and his grandchild) and now he’s knocked his son Craig unconscious in the street.

Tommy was convinced that Craig and 14-year-old Rosie Webster had been having sex when he found a condom in his son’s pocket. And with Tommy, it’s always hit first, ask questions later.

“You dirty little bugger!” Tommy screamed at Craig before knocking him out with a nifty left hook.

When Craig came to, he tried to explain to his parents that nothing had actually happened.

“Rosie and I read it on this website that the world was going to end in March and we didn’t want to die virgins,” Craig spluttered to his disbelieving parents. And let’s face it, as excuses go, it’s pretty feeble.

Tommy marched round to the Websters’ to confront Rosie, who was cowering behind her mum. On hearing that her precious goth child was almost deflowered, Sally turned into a screaming banshee.

“Where did you get the condom from?” she yelled. “Your handbag,” Rosie replied, much to the embarrassment of her mum and the amusement of viewers.

Sally managed to persuade her daughter and Tommy not to say anything to Kevin about why his whore-wife was carrying condoms in her handbag.

“We don’t need to mention this to yer father,” laughed Sally nervously – well aware that Craig won’t be the only Weatherfield resident sporting a black eye if he does.

There’s happier relationship news for Sarah Lou. After getting pregnant at 12 from a one-night stand and then almost marrying a gay man, she seems to have finally found some happiness with a boy called Scooter.’

Posted: 11th, February 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sally Cashes In

‘SALLY’S affair with Ian – the polo neck king – is continuing to make her loads of money and the viewing population physically sick.

”Last night he showed me his new soft top”

The pair are now in classic soap opera affair mode: being about as subtle as Andy Fordham trying to scoff down a pie. Sally has even told Gail of her more than working relationship with her boss.

“No-one’s going to get hurt because no-one’s going to find out,” she twittered on, clearly oblivious to the classic soap law that states every affair must be found out eventually and preferably in the most public and humiliating manner.

Sally is revelling in her new found wealth. “My marriage needs money,” she told Gail. “Kevin and I have never been happier.”

Gail tried to point out that Kevin may not feel the same once he finds out that his wife has been whoring herself out, but Sally was too busy planning on how to spend her ill-gotten gains to care.

Maria is another Weatherfield woman who always believes that the grass is greener under another man. Warren’s Weatherfield United team-mate Stuart managed to lure Maria into bed with a few cocktails and a tour of his riverside bachelor pad.

But unfortunately for Maria, she was substituted by Stuart without even having played the first half.

It turns out that Stuart has a girlfriend – a girlfriend who knows all about him playing away from home and thinks it comes with the territory of being a footballer’s girlfriend.

“Is this her?” she asked when Maria had barged her way back into Stuart’s flat, “I don’t think much of your taste, Stuart love.”

Maria ran back to the safety Tyrone’s big monkey arms and confessed all. Instead of giving her a few choice words and kicking her out the door, the mong’s only gone and proposed to her. And Maria, realising that she’s never going to find a doormat as effective as Tyrone, said yes.

This has raised several eyebrows on the Street and even Jack has tried to talk him out of it. “Maria’s like a racing pigeon,” Tyrone told Jack, “if I try and hold onto her too tight she’ll die, but if I give her freedom she’ll always come back,” he waxed lyrically.

Conveniently forgetting that pigeons are really nothing more than rats with wings.

And on the subject of rats, King Rat, Charlie is determined to take over Dirty Den’s crown as most hated soap character.

When he walked into the sitting room of The Rovers to find Sunita and Shelly conducting a taste test on some new Indian snacks Dev was thinking of selling in his shop, Charlie went mental.

“Stop feedin’ my girlfriend,” screamed Charlie. “Just ‘cos you’ve got no meat on yer bones, you can’t bare the fact that Shelly’s finally getting’ herself into shape.”

He then stormed off to The Flying Horse where Liz is now working. “Shelly come to her senses then has she?” asked Liz. “She’ll come running,” smirked Charlie. “They always do.”

And sure enough, less than two pints later, Shelly came storming into the pub. “And what was that all about?” she stormed.

“Let me explain,” said Charlie, in a very subdued manner. He then went on to make up a story about his brother who was turned into a junkie by his best mate. “And when I saw Sunita pushing food on you, it brought it all back,” he sobbed through crocodile tears.

Shelly, being the dumb, dumb blonde that she is, fell for it. “Oh Charlie, I’m so sorry,” she wailed – which seems to be the only sentence that comes out of her mouth these days. “But snacks and drugs aren’t the same thing.”

As Pete Docherty could certainly testify.’

Posted: 3rd, February 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Maria’s Own Goal

‘THEY say that there’s no fool like an old fool and in Martin’s case he’s very definitely both.

”I bet you’re good in the box”

Martin has agreed to stand by Katy in spite of the fact that she’s told him that she deliberately got herself pregnant in order to trap him into marriage.

“Let’s just keep this to ourselves for a while,” Martin said resignedly, for once showing a bit of commonsense or rather self-preservation. Tommy, Katy’s hot-headed father, isn’t going to take too kindly to find out he’s about to become a grandfather.

Charlie is another Street resident who’s attended the George W Bush school of negotiation skills (attack first, justify later).

Dev discovered that Charlie was fiddling the books on the rebuilding of the shop and fired him. Charlie was convinced that it was Shelly who had told Dev about his dodgy dealings and decided to take his anger and frustration out on her.

“Yer always interferin’ in my life,” he screamed at her. “Yer don’t deserve me,” he continued, “and yer don’t deserve these.” And with that he yanked the diamond earrings he gave Shelly for Christmas out of her ears, storming out leaving her bleeding and shellshocked.

Most normal women would have packed his bags and changed the locks but not Shelly – she ended up apologising to Charlie. “I’m sorry I drive yer to these things,” she whimpered.

Charlie isn’t through with punishing Shelly, however – he decides to humiliate her even more by putting up a poster in The Rovers so that everyone can see exactly how much she weighs and how much she has or hasn’t lost. A bit like a Blue Peter Appeal but without the appeal.

Tyrone is also in for a relationship shock soon when he discovers that Maria has been playing away with a footballer.

Poor Tyrone has only just won Maria back – through a combination of stalking and begging – and now he’s about to lose her again to a team mate of Warren’s called Stuart. Stuart is everything Tyrone isn’t – charming, rich, stylish and a user of women.

Later this week Stuart shows Maria his tackle before casually announcing that he’s not looking for a relationship because he’s already got a girlfriend.

Poor Maria, she’s clearly been taking lessons from Sally Webster who also believes that the only way to get on in life is to get under a man.

Sally’s affair with her boss Ian is shaping up nicely for a classic Corrie confrontation. Kevin’s already nearly caught them once when he turned up to the office unannounced to pick up his wife.

As Ian’s discovered, it’s really not very hard to pick up Sally – just give her a cheque for five hundred pounds.’

Posted: 28th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Teenage Kicks

‘TEENAGERS, eh? If they’re not getting their tongues pierced (Craig), they’re running away from school (Adam) and getting pregnant (“’cos all my mates are”).

”But I’ve already got enough children in my life”?”

Martin is the next parent to find that having a teenager is a lot of hard work. But in Martin’s case, it’s not his son or daughter that’s causing the trouble but his girlfriend, Katy.

Katy, at 17, is desperate for Martin to marry her. She’s come up with the incredibly intelligent idea of getting pregnant by ‘mistake’ so that he has to marry her. Unfortunately for Katy, Martin realises that there are enough children in their relationship already and tells her to have a termination.

Sally Webster is also about to discover that playing games with men is a very dangerous past time. Sally has effectively become a prostitute – sleeping with her boss, Ian, for money.

After declaring his love for Sally, Ian told her that she had to leave her well paid job as he couldn’t face having her around if she wouldn’t sleep with him. Ian’s judged Sally very nicely, knowing how desperate she is to drag herself and ‘the girls’ kicking and screaming into the middle classes and that in order to do that, she desperately needs the money her new job pays her.

After deliberating for all of an episode, Sally threw herself at Ian in his office after work, lunging at him with lips puckered looking like a halibut in a blonde wig. Sally’s reward was a two thousand pound bonus which she’s spending on taking her family on their first holiday abroad. “How about a cruise?” suggested daughter Sophie. Think her mother’s been doing enough cruising of her own recently.

Shelly and Charlie’s dysfunctional relationship also trundles on, climaxing later this week when he physically attacks her for the first time. Shelly has overheard Charlie on the telephone over-ordering supplies which he tells Dev he needs to repair his shop but which he’s actually selling on the sly.

Having the mental capacity of a six year old, Shelly isn’t sure if this is illegal or not, so asks Violet’s advice. “Everyone does it,” she tells Shelly. But Shelly is clearly on a self-destruct mission and decides that she’s going to tell Dev. Here’s hoping her new gym classes have also included kick boxing lessons.

Kirk’s love life is also about to take a violet turn when Fizz thumps him for messing about with another woman. But this is Kirk, a boy so stupid he makes Wayne Rooney look like a Nobel Prize winner. Kirk has met a ‘larger than life’ (and larger than Andy Fordham) character called Thelma at his parents’ dog kennels.

Kirk has been looking after Thelma’s poodle while she’s been on holiday. She was so impressed by him that she’s asked Kirk to come round and walk her dog. “She gave me twenty quid fer the way I handled her Lula,” Kirk told Fizz in The Rovers that night.

Well, that’s a new word for it.’

Posted: 19th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bully For Roy

‘CANDICE has decided that she’s going to become the new Posh Spice of Weatherfield.

”What? You want to sleep with me?”

Well, she’s got everything that it takes – footballer boyfriend, IQ in single figures, new tangerine fake tan and the ability to irritate everyone she ever meets.

Candice has had a special PVC jumpsuit made in Weatherfield United colours and insisted on wearing it to the Rovers to show her support for her boyfriend.

Unfortunately it took so long to get poured into it and to put on her fake tan that she actually missed the match.

Candice needs to be careful that she doesn’t follow other Footballers’ Wives and discover in The News of The World that her bloke’s been sleeping with his PA.

Sally is another Weatherfield resident who’s considering adultery. Sally confided to Gail that her boss, Ian, had made a pass at her.

“Sounds like you rather enjoyed it,” said Gail, who for once is showing a bit of intuition where relationships are concerned (perhaps her experience dating a serial killer paid off).

Sally is now thinking of having an affair with Ian on the grounds that “he can give me everything Kevin can’t” – which is far too much information before the watershed.

Sally’s teenaged daughter Rosie, is also developing worrying desires – to wear more eyeliner than Liz McDonald, dress only in black and listen to bands like Cradle of Filth.

“You just don’t understand,” she wailed, echoing the words of teenagers since the dawn of time.

Poor Craig’s parents have it worse, however, with their son deciding to go to school in black nail polish and getting his tongue pierced.

“I’m gonna kill you!” screamed Tommy, showing the sort of parental compassion that’s resulted in his teenage daughter leaving home to live with a man older than he is.

Tommy will have a lot more to worry about soon, however, if the tabloid reports are to be believed as Katy is set to get pregnant by Martin.

New arrival Vince is also bullying and blustering his way around Weatherfield. He’s decided to wind Roy up – admittedly not the hardest resolution in the world.

Vince, whom Charlie has employed to help him rebuild the corner shop, has taken to going into Roy’s café and eating his own sandwiches and ripping pages out of the newspapers that Roy buys for his customers.

As bullying goes, it’s right up there with Deep Cut, isn’t it?

Like all good bullies, however, Vince knows a vulnerable person when he sees one and is determined, for some unknown reason, to drive Roy to the brink of madness, pretending to be nice to him in front of the rest of the Street and befriending Roy’s wife Hayley.

“I think he’s a very nice man,” twittered Hayley, who knows little about the workings of men, despite actually being one herself.

The climax of this rather odd bullying storyline had Vince cornering Roy in the café and demanding that he make him a poached egg at eight o’clock in the evening.

Roy was saved by Charlie, who happened to be passing and dispensed his own particular brand of justice with a swift right hook, telling Vince to clear out of Weatherfield.

Apparently, Shelly is about to be on the receiving end of Charlie’s fists too when he decides she needs to be ‘taught a lesson’. The only lesson Shelly needs to learn is that with her track record with men, she’s better off becoming a lesbian.’

Posted: 12th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Tooth And Dare

‘WHAT would you do to escape national military service?

An 18-year-old Iranian conscript went quite a long way and had 15 of his teeth pulled out by a dentist.

The youth, from Karaj, a city near Tehran, had already served seven months out of two years in the sweltering heat of the southwestern city of Ahvaz.

He wanted out and came to believe that having less teeth would get him discharged from the army and sent home.

‘After he went secretly to the dentist, he came home nervous and upset. Then he could not eat and we realised he was losing his teeth,’ explained his father.

The soldier is now rumoured to be back in uniform.’

Posted: 7th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Hands Free Driving

‘ANYONE who has ever sat in a taxi in India will wonder what is unusual about R S Santhosh Kumar.

He has driven 375 miles without using his hands in a bid to get into the record books.

It took 15 hours for our man behind the wheel to drive from Parassala, near Thiruvanthapuram, to Kasargod with his hands tied to the driver’s seat.

The jewellery shop owner controlled the steering wheel, brake and clutch with his legs alone.

Kumar, from Neyyanttinkara in Kerala, said he had been training for the event for the past five years.

And well done to him.

But, returning to our original point, what is so special about him? Many of India’s drivers appear to be blind, deaf and unable to differentiate left from right…’

Posted: 5th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

New Year Resolutions

‘IT’S 2005 and the residents of Weatherfield are all making their resolutions. After being booked after only two minutes on the pitch, Warren has vowed to take his football career seriously from now on in – which is music to Candice’s ears as she’s already planning her first ‘Footballers’ Wives’ photo spread in FHM.

Steve orders a demi baguette for lunch

Shelly has vowed to lose two stone by February after Charlie deliberately bought her a dress two sizes too small. And Tracy has vowed to make Steve McDonald her’s by the end of the year – or die trying.

Karen McDonald and her miraculous push up bras left Weatherfield for good after Steve finally realised that he was married to someone whose tantrums could rival Elton John’s. “I love yer Karen but yer killin’ me,” he sobbed into her cleavage for the very last time.

Tracy was, of course, delighted to hear the news that her nemesis had gone for good and is setting about trying to woo Steve with, bizarrely, packed lunches. “I don’t want you and I don’t want yer sandwiches,” Steve shouted at Tracy after she presented him with yet another batch (cheese and pickle) in the office of Streetcars. Tracy’s not one to take rejection lying down though – in fact it’s about the only thing she won’t take lying down.

Ken’s son – and Mike’s grand son – Adam returned to Weatherfield for a visit, complete with a head and body transplant. “I hardly recognised yer,” stammered Sarah Lou when she bumped into him in The Rovers. You and about eighteen million other people love.

The new ‘Hollyoaked’ version of Adam is proving to be quite a hit with the ladies. Deirdre practically threw herself on him in the pub and he’s already set up a date with Sarah Lou to go skating.

More teenage pairings in the street as Rosie and Craig look set to become Weatherfield’s very own Osbournes as they’ve decided to become Goths. Rosie has dyed her hair jet black and Craig has got his tongue pierced, much to the horror of both sets of parents. Weatherfield hasn’t seen anything that horrendous since Liz McDonald popped out for a pint of milk without her makeup on.

Rosie’s mother, Sally, has more pressing things on her mind than her daughter’s transformation into one of the Addams family to worry about, though, as her new boss has just made a pass at her.

Ian Davenport has employed Sally to be his PA at his garage but unfortunately for Sally it’s not just his diary he wants her to handle. “I love you Sally,” he told her over an after-work drink (clearly a very big drink if he’s think he’s in love with the irritating shrew).

Sally is understandably as shocked as we all are that Ian seems to find her attractive, although not shocked enough to tell her husband. Sally’s love of money and status is well known but whether she’ll turn into the Kimberly Quinn of Weatherfield, only time will tell.’

Posted: 5th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Making A Century

‘FOR many of you readers, this afternoon seems a long way off.

The holiday season has sapped your enthusiasm for seeing in the first day of the working year.

But Arthur Best possessed more foresight.

Ten years ago – when he was a sprightly 90 years old – Arthur placed a bet at odds of 66-1 that he would reach triple figures.

And last Sunday, Arthur’s punt paid off as he celebrated his 100th birthday with more than 7,000 pounds to go with his congratulatory telegramme from the Queen.’

Posted: 4th, January 2005 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Holy Toast

‘IN keeping with a theme of burnt offerings, atheist Shaun Garrod has had a divine vision.

In the course of making a teatime snack, he came to see the light – and a face.

Garrod, a carpenter, was witnessing nothing short of a miracle. This was no mere elevenses – this was the second coming of Christ…on a crumpet.

But Garrod did not see Jesus at first, rather the face of the Bee Gees frontman Barry Gibb.

Shaun, 31, from Ashby de la Zouch, Leicestershire, said: ‘I was just toasting some crumpets and when I pulled them out to check they were OK my brother Elliott said ‘that looks like Jesus”.

And a tasty bit of crumpet…’

Posted: 23rd, December 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment