Bloody El

‘CHRISTINA Cooke from Birmingham had read the reports in the papers and seen the ads. She had duly come to the conclusion that the time was ripe for her to book a holiday over the Internet.

So she got online and searched the world wide web for three weeks. And then she found the perfect break. It was “Costa Del Sol, here we come!”

And Benalmadena’s Avalon Hotelpark looked the business. Until that is until Christina, 28, partner Mark, 32, and daughters Charlotte, eight, and Alice arrived. Why was their family name not on any booking register? And where was Avalon Hotelpark?

Oh, there it is – in Germany.

Christina said: ”I’ve got the wrong address before but never the wrong country. I thought I was being clever by cutting out the middle man. I’d managed to confuse the addresses.”’

Posted: 26th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Steaming Mad

‘LIM Boon Hwa, 56, should have been a British explorer to the south Pacific islands many moons ago.

Had he ended up in the pot, chances are he’d have relished it.

Just the other day, Hwa was cooked for 30 minutes as an offering to Chinese deities during a Taoist festival in Kedah state, Malaysia. He sat steaming over a pot of dumplings and corn, which were later distributed to the 1,000 spectators who turned up to watch.

This was not the first time Hwa has been cooked -it was the fourth time. Lim’s record time is 45 minutes.

”Lim’s performance shows the greatness of the Taoist deities in protecting their devotees from harm,” said temple spokesman Goon Fook Theong. Or dessert, as he’s known…’

Posted: 25th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Fowl Play

‘WE’VE had the wrong type of leaves, the wrong type of rain, the wrong type of sin, it’s been too hot, it’s been too cold, we’ve had drivers getting lost, drivers being left behind and now chickens.

Passengers on a recent 5.30pm Paddington to Swansea Great Western train were evacuated when their 125mph express was damaged in a collision – with a chicken.

They had to wait on the platform at Swindon while railway workers carried out repairs to a damaged fuel line.

Passenger Robert Guy, 49, an architect from Bristol, said: ”This takes the biscuit. Everyone was amused.

”People were making jokes like ‘Why did the chicken cross the railway line?’ and about the tracks being ‘all fowled up’. We all had a good laugh on the way home.”’

Posted: 22nd, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Shelley’s Monster

‘WEATHERFIELD women are notoriously stupid – Deirdre did time for an ‘airline pilot’ who turned out to work in Sock Shop, Rita’s husband tried to push her under a tram and let’s not even start on Vera Duckworth’s “Terrah”.

Shelley sees Gail’s face

But even by their standards, Shelly is a cut above the rest. First of all, she marries a bigamist and now she’s hooked up with a serial adulterer who also happens to have a sideline in wife beating.

Shelly is convinced that Charlie is the one, despite the fact that he’s slept with her mother and tried it on with Liz McDonald.

He’s also not exactly the most attentive of boyfriends, choosing to spend every evening out drinking with mystery mates and constantly disappearing on jobs (on the job more like).

Later this week, Shelly gets it into her thick head that Charlie is having an affair with Gail when he sees him disappearing into her house.

It turns out Charlie building a Wendy house for Bethany and Shelly is so mortified by her mistake, it gives Charlie licence to treat her worse than ever, resorting to beating her to keep her “in her place.”

Another Weatherfield woman who’s been conned by a man is Penny King, but for her it’s her pride rather than her face that’s taken the beating.

Ciaran and Tracy were all set to sail off into the sunset – well to Tenerife – when Ciaran got an attack of conscience and confessed everything to Penny.

Penny was understandably less than impressed that they were trying to rip her off to the tune of forty grand and promptly called the police.

Unfortunately for viewers, we didn’t get to actually witness Tracy’s night in the cells and the next episode opened with her tearfully returning home on bail.

“I wonder if it’s something that runs in the blood of the women in this family,” pondered Blanche. “Yer mum did time for a man too.”

Long-suffering Deirdre went begging to Mike to get Penny to drop the charges. “Can yer not do it fer me?” she sobbed. “Think of little Amy without a mum.”

Deirdre dropped to her knees (a position she’s all too familiar with) to beg Mike to change his mind – just as Penny walked into his office.

Luckily Deirdre has always got the excuse that she was simply lowering herself so she could look Mike in the eye.’

Posted: 22nd, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Split Personality

‘CROATIA has a reputation for being home to some of the most beautiful women in the world – and South African businessman Keith Van Der Spuy would agree.

He has already extended his holiday by four months and is refusing to leave the country until finds a girl who he spotted across a crowded bar.

He has even taken out adverts in local newspapers in the port town of Split in a bid to locate the woman, who he hasn’t even spoken to.

Mr Van Der Spuy, who is also the head of the South African water-polo association, says he lost sight of the pretty young woman shortly after she smiled at him across the bar, but he’s sure she was a local because he heard her calling to a female friend shortly before he lost sight of her.

”I will not leave this place for years if I have to,” he said. “When I saw her and she looked at me I knew she was the one. There was pure chemistry between us.

”I can’t get her out of my head. I just want to meet her and see her long dark hair and beautiful smile again. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

”If she is married or is not interested I can accept it, but I have to know. I have to see her one more time, and I have even bought a diamond ring for her.”’

Posted: 21st, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Poll Dancers

‘POLITICIANS the world over try to bribe the electorate to vote for them, but rarely are they as blatant as Ukrainian Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovich.

His campaigners have unashamedly organised free striptease shows in the Santa Fe bar in Donetsk in an attempt to get people to re-elect their man.

One organiser said: ”We hope the voters will remember who gave them this show for free when they go to the ballot box.”

The elections are scheduled for October 31 and according to latest polls Yanukovich has 33% of the vote while his opposition candidate Viktor Yushchenko has 31%.

Yushchenko knows what he has to do to close the gap…’

Posted: 20th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Law’s An Ass

‘IF anyone were in any doubt that it is lawyers who make laws, consider the case of the self-employed German man who has been landed with a £1.5 million pound legal bill after asking a lawyer to do a few minutes work.

The man, who earns just £12,000 pounds a year, asked the lawyer to help him sort out a mistake where the local taxman had sent the man a bill for nearly £200m.

It took the lawyer just one hour to rectify the mistake – but, under German law, he is now entitled to a percentage of the reduction he secured for his client.

And it looks as if he’ll get the money.

A spokesman for the court in Bonn said the law was clear that the lawyer must be paid, but it remains unclear who will have to fork out.’

Posted: 19th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Squatter’s Right

‘SQUATTER George Weiss has sold the one-bedroom flat he has lived in for the past 35 years…for £710,000.

The 64-year-old, who was a friend of the late comedian Peter Cook, has lived in the mews house in upmarket Hampstead, North London, since 1969, but stopped paying rent in 1983 as the property fell into disrepair.

He hasn’t spoken to his landlord since 1990 – and, under a legal ruling that says the house reverts to the tenant if he has not had contact with his landlord for 12 years, he was recently declared its legal owner.

Mr Weiss says he will use the money to launch a rival to Hello! magazine called Goodbye!, which will feature dead celebrities and the houses they lived in.

He has also launched a political party, called the Wonderfully Egalitarian Association of Creative Thinkers.’

Posted: 18th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Penny Drops

‘TRACY Luv showed yet again this week that she’s got the all the morals of a Premiership footballer when she persuaded Ciaran to steal from Penny King.

‘Agh! Stop the horns!’

Recently, Tracy has slept with Roy for a penny bet, tried to sell her own baby and seduced a pensioner because she thought he had money, so no-one should have been surprised when she suggested to Ciaran that he sells the restaurant from behind Penny’s back.

Let’s face it – a restaurant selling “Irish-Thai” fusion food in Weatherfield was never going to be a winner, and it was amazing that Penny agreed to back Ciaran in the first place. This week their only booking was Fred Elliott – which isn’t actually too bad when you consider how much food the man can put away.

A Mr Walker appeared out of the blue, offering to buy the place for £60,000 – the exact sum Penny had given Ciaran. “She doesn’t have to know,” purred Tracy into Ciaran’s ear. “Tell her you got twenty grand for it and we’ll keep the rest.”

Tracy then suggested they go on a spending spree holiday. “We can find the local nudist beach,” she leered at him. “Trust me, I’m not one of those shy and retiring types.” Ciaran’s probably worked that much out by now.

At the last minute, however, Ciaran had an attack of conscience and told Penny what he and Tracy had been planning. “Mike was right,” Penny ranted. “You’re nothing but a crook.”

Penny’s fury is going to be nothing compared with Tracy’s though when she discovers she’s stuck in Weatherfield forever now. Or until she can find another wealthy pensioner.

Elsewhere in Weatherfied, another mug in love, Shelly, has decided to take her straying builder back. “Oh, Charlie!” she wept into his arms, “I’m so lonely without you.”

Charlie is delighted to have his feet back under the bar of The Rovers – and the chance to meet so many old women. Everyone else, however, is horrified. “

He’s a wrong ‘un,” bellowed Fred to anyone who’d listen after he came back from a particularly drunken lunch. “I don’t believe true love exists any more,” he continued.

Fred decided to have a competition to find Weatherfield’s most romantic couple. “Prize is a weekend in Paris,” he announced – although once he’d sobered up, he quickly announced that he meant the Paris Hotel in Bridlington.

Kirk’s attempt to win the weekend consisted of having ‘Fez’ tattooed on his arm, Ken (predictably) read Dreary a poem and Kevin ran Sally a bath – and showed amazing restraint by not drowning her in it.

The winners, however, were Ashley and Claire. Ashley decided to propose to Claire in a packed Rovers. “Every time I see you, I hear car horns,” he squeaked, randomly. Claire, of course, said yes, much to the delight of the pub – and viewers everywhere.

Do I smell a Christmas wedding in the pipeline?’

Posted: 17th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Breast Of Friends

‘THE most risqué poster ever to grace most of our bedroom walls was the one of the tennis girl scratching her arse.

The more daring may have had the odd topless shot hidden behind it, but how many of us could boast a pair of silicone breast implants on our wall? Framed.

Jack Osbourne can. Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly said she gave Ozzy’s son her old implants when she had new ones fitted.

‘When I got my old ones out,” she said, “he asked for them so I framed them and gave them to him. They are now up on his wall.’

But that’s the closest Jack has got to Kimberly’s chest, she says, denying that the two have ever dated.

‘That’s the most untrue thing that I’ve ever heard in my life,” she said.

‘We were just friends and everyone just spun that out, because the press would be interested in two kids of rock gods dating.”

Posted: 15th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Muck And Brass

‘THEY say that where there’s muck there’s brass, but in this case the opposite appears to be true.

A psychiatrist in the United States has been arrested and accused of smearing faeces on money he used to pay a parking fine.

City authorities in Burlington, Iowa, noticed a ‘foreign brown substance’ on the dollar bills used to pay the fine and passed them on to police who had the substance analysed and confirmed it was human faeces.

However, the 52-year-old man, from Bonaparte, whose money it was claimed the notes had accidentally fallen down the toilet.

During questioning, he said: ‘What do you expect me to do, throw away good money?’

The man, who has not been named and who has pleaded not guilty, faces up to 30 days in jail and a fine of up to $500 if convicted.’

Posted: 14th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Letters, Pray

‘THERE are a lot of things wrong with this world – war, famine, plague and Chris Moyles to name but four.

However, nothing so bad that a few more love letters wouldn’t sort out.

That’s the view of German president Horst Koehler, who is making a bid for this year’s Fred Trueman award for services to the Things Were Better In My Day movement.

‘It is a sad comment on our times when we hear that young people spend hours every day text-messaging each other on their mobiles instead of talking face-to-face,” says the former managing director of the International Monetary Fund.

‘It would be better to sit down and write a letter to a friend or a loved one. I suggest people write more love letters. The world would be a better place for it.’

A suggestion that perhaps he’s like to put (in writing) to President Bush…’

Posted: 13th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bear Facts

‘IT was an eventful hunting trip for 55-year-old Marin Cogey – he had barely managed to fight off an attack from a 700lb bear when he almost killed himself when he tripped over his gun.

The drama started when Cogey was hunting in woods near Milkovica in Bulgaria and was attacked from behind by a bear, who tried to crush him with its arms.

But the hunter managed to fight back, hitting the animal on the head with the butt of his shotgun and then firing a shot in the air, which caused the bear to release its grip and run.

However, the fun was only starting because, in his excitement, Cogey slipped and fell over, causing his gun to go off. The bullet grazed his head and he passed out.

A fellow hunter who found him after the attack said: ‘If the bullet had gone a few millimetres the other way he would be dead.

‘It’s amazing he managed to fight off such a huge bear and then tripped over and nearly killed himself.’

Cogev was treated in hospital for operation a punctured lung and broken ribs.’

Posted: 12th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

More, More, More

‘THREE women – one from Brazil, one from the US and one from Poland – are to go, er, head to head at an erotic fair to find the World Female Sex Champion.

And organisers of the Eroticon sex fair in Warsaw are hoping that one of them will break the World Sex Record which currently stands at 759 ‘humps’.

Fair spokesman Krzysztof Garwatowski said each of the three participants were hoping to pass the 1,000 men mark in the competition and called for willing male volunteers to help them do so.

‘The World Sexual Record is a great chance to meet famous porn stars and enjoy the most important sex show in the world,” he said.

‘And the men who take part will also get the chance to compete for the title of Polish Stallion.’

However, local authorities in the Polish capital are trying to stop the contest, threatening to file charges for promoting prostitution against the organisers.’

Posted: 11th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Porn Stories

‘WHEN you take out a video from a public library, you expect to see something wholesome, educational, uplifting.

Anyone viewing videos obtained from public libraries in Decatur, Illinois, got porn.

Police in the area traced back the records of videos taken from the libraries and now accuse one local man of recording pornographic images at the end of the closing credits.

Around 200 videos has been doctored. The man has now been banned from the libraries for life.’

Posted: 8th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Charlie Says

‘THEY say a leopard can’t change its spots, nor it seems can mouthy Northern women.

Shelly was delighted at Charlie’s suggestion of an OAP special menu

Karen McDonald’s religious conversion lasted about as long as a pair of Underworld knickers and she’s now, thankfully, back to her bitchy, selfish, mental self. “There’s plenty of bar work on cruise ships,” she told her mother-in-law Liz when she turned up on their doorstep after Shelly had kicked her out. “You’d even get a tan – a real one for a change.”

Karen was furious when Steve moved his mother in as it meant an end to their baby-making sessions. “Ow am I ever gonna get knocked up with your mother the other side of that wall?” she screamed at long-suffering Steve.

Tracey is also doing her best to stop the couple conceiving. Terrified that another baby McDonald would lessen her hold on Steve, Tracey dumped baby Amy on Steve’s doorstep and pretended she was leaving town for a few days. “I could hardly leave her outside could I, babe?” Steve signed when Karen came home to find baby Amy on his knee and threw a predictable tantrum.

At least Liz has now moved out again as Shelly came round and made a grovelling apology. “I should ‘ave believed yer,” she sighed. “And I should ‘ave known never to trust a man again.”

Poor Shelly’s not had much luck with men. First she marries a bigamist, now she’s dating someone with a worrying penchant for pensioners.

Not content with bedding her mother, Charlie has now turned his attentions to Liz. But for someone who dresses like an aging prostitute, Liz displays surprising restraint. When Charlie tried to kiss her after hours in the Rovers, she slapped his face in fury.

Charlie, being the slippery fox that he is, managed to get his version of events to Shelly before Liz. And Shelly, being the idiot that she is, believed him.

“Do yer really think I’d risk what we’ve got by tryin’ it on with an old slapper like Liz?” he sneered. Shelly isn’t sure what to believe and has gone from throwing Charlie out to welcoming him back with open arms.

Shelly should realise though that as a builder, Charlie is bound to enjoy poking around old foundations.’

Posted: 7th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Dog Leg

‘HEARTENING news now for the anti-hunting brigade.

When Spaso Ivosevic, a hunter in central Croatia, was getting ready to a-hunting, he went through his normal regime.

He cleaned and loaded his double-barrelled shotgun. And then, when ready, Ivosevic leaned the gun against a wall near his house.

Sadly for him, his two-year-old dog, Lero, chasing chickens through the yard, accidentally tripped over the shotgun. It hit the ground. It fired. It shot Ivosevic.

The hunter was taken to hospital with a fractured leg bone. What happened to Lero is unclear.’

Posted: 7th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Flash

‘STEPHEN Linnen has been arrested.

Women living in the region of Columbus, Ohio, where Linnen works as a lawyer, can rest easy.

No-one will be jumping out of the bushes naked and then taking a picture of the shocked expression on their faces before running off.

Linnen has been caught, charged and found guilty. He has also been jailed to 19 months.

The “naked photographer” is no more.’

Posted: 6th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sporting Chancers

‘DID you know that Sri Lanka doesn’t have a national handball team? Well, they don’t.

But the news has come too late for German taxpayers who funded the team’s trip to their country as part of a sports exchange programme.

Suspicions were aroused when the Sri Lankans failed to register a point against their first amateur opponents.

But before the police could get them, all 23 Sri Lankans vanished from their hotel.

The group left a note saying they were headed to France, though border officials later recalled waving them through to Italy.’

Posted: 5th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bird Brain

‘POOR old Andy, an Andean flamingo at egg at the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust in Slimbridge, Gloucestershire is causing a stir.

Lonely and confused, Andy is trying to incubate a pebble.

So far he has spent two weeks trying to incubate the pebble he thinks is an egg.

Nigel Jarrett, a bird nesting expert, says: ‘The birds are very attentive and do make excellent fathers, but this is above and beyond the call of duty.’

Mr Jarrett took pity on Andy and replaced the pebble with a wooden replica of a flamingo egg.

Two weeks on, Andy is still there, leaving the ‘egg’ for only an hour a day when he goes to feed.’

Posted: 4th, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sod Offski

‘SWEARING young Russians are proving a money-spinner for authorities in Belgorod, on Russia’s border with Ukraine.

Thanks to the introduction of a ban on swearing in public – part of a cleaner-living programme for the region’s young folk – the cash has been rolling in with spot fines of up to 1,500 roubles for offenders.

The total collected in two months up to mid-September came to more than 510,000 roubles. Which is loads of (insert expletive) money.’

Posted: 1st, October 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Cod Father

‘GIORGIO Angelozzi, 80, who has lived alone outside Rome with seven cats since his wife died in 1992, was a lonely man.

He wanted company. He wanted a family. So he put himself up for adoption.

Before long he was inundated with offers from families across Italy and as far away as New Zealand, Brazil and the United States.

Spoilt for choice, he has decided to go to live with Elio and Marlena Riva and their two teenage children in Bergamo, northern Italy.’

Posted: 30th, September 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Big Brother’s Bigger Brother

‘CROATIA’S first ‘Big Brother’ reality television show is courting controversy.

Contestants and programme makers are furious over a warning from the health ministry that participants are not allowed to smoke.

‘Despite that fact that it is a show which has a special status and has to attract viewers, the law is the same for everyone,’ Health Minister Andrija Hebrang said.

Croatian law bans smoking during public appearances and on television. Fines for violations can reach 500,000 kunas (83,000 dollars).’

Posted: 29th, September 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

On His Todd

‘SARAH Louise has done some stupid things in her time – getting pregnant at 13, dropping out of school to work in a greasy spoon, getting engaged to a gay man – but she really topped the charts this week when she slept with Jason.

Honor among newsagents

“I didn’t mean to do it,” she tearfully told her mum, “it just sort of happened.” Unfortunately, Todd couldn’t take the same zen-like approach to the discovery that his brother had slept with his ex fiancée.

“You bastard!” he spat out upon discovering them in bed together, the night after Katy, Fizz and Candice’s joint 18th birthday party. “What’s the matter, Todd? Scared how you’ll compare to a real man?” sneered Jason as Todd lunged at him.

Todd decided that he couldn’t bare to be near the pair of them and packed a bag and fled to London. “Happy now?” screamed Eileen, as her brain dead son sat sulking on the sofa. “Good riddance,” muttered Jason, “that’s one less gay around here,” he said, glaring pointedly at Sean.

Todd wasn’t the only one shocked at Saran Lou’s behaviour – Candice let her have it too. Candice had decided that she was going to get back together with Jason and on hearing the news that her best friend had slept with her “birthday present,” went round to the corner shop to give Sarah Lou a piece of her mind.

“You’re nothing but a stupid kid. You’ve got no shame,” screamed Candice – conveniently overlooking the fact that she’s spent the night chasing after a bloke who clearly wasn’t interested in her.

There was more sex scandal on the Street this week as Norris and Rita stumbled into a swingers’ party. Rita and Norris had been invited to dinner and “to stay overnight” at Rita’s old showbiz friend Rula’s house.

Norris had taken quite a shine to Rula after she’s likened him to Robert De Niro (clearly an early warning sign that she was mentally deranged) and jumped at the invitation to “get to know each other better.”

Unfortunately for Rita and Norris, Rula and her husband’s idea of getting to know people involved them taking all their clothes off and leaping into bed with strangers. In true ‘News of the World’ style, Rita and Norris made their excuses and left quickly in the middle of the night.

“Let’s not breathe a word of this to anyone,” hissed Rita. “Too right,” Norris replied, “Emily’s not exactly the progressive type. I’ve only just introduced her to Tiramisu.”

Back on the Street, Tracy has taken taunting Karen to a new level. Karen is desperately trying to get pregnant, going to the levels of making Steve stand in front of an open fridge in his boxers to “stir up yer sperm.” What a charming image.

All Karen’s efforts have gone to waste so far though and Tracy has taken to greeting Karen as “Barren Karen” when she walks into The Rovers. Tracy has also entered Liz into the local newspaper’s ‘Glamorous Gran’ competition so that everyone will know that Steve is the father of her baby.

Liz was shocked to discover that she’d actually won the competition but not as shocked as the residents of Weatherfield when they saw her described as “glamorous barmaid Liz McDonald, 41”.’

Posted: 29th, September 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Arranged Marriage

‘WHEN Indian girl Guriya’s husband, Sapper Mohammed Arif, disappeared during the 1999 India-Pakistan conflict in Kashmir, she did not know what to do. Was he dead? Had be run away? Or had he been taken prisoner?

She got on with her life and remarried a man called Taufiq. But last month, in a prisoner swap, she learned that Arif had been captured and had spent the past five years in a Pakistani prison. To cap it all, she was now carrying her second husband’s child.

A village council ordered Guriya to return to Arif but the soldier said he didn’t want the child. The second husband said he could not raise the child without the mother.

So the case when to trial by TV. Viewers of Zee TV were asked to vote on what she should do. And Arif had a change of heart. ‘I will raise the child if he doesn’t want to,” said he. “And when the child grows up, Taufiq can take it.”’

Posted: 28th, September 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment