A Plan Backfires

‘AS plans go, the heist plotted by members of a gang in Salvador, Brazil, looked pretty good on paper. They’d storm the shop, brandish their guns and demand money and goods with menaces. It was genius.

But on the day of the caper things began to go awry. Having entered the shop, a gang member made the mistake of dropping his gun. It went off, shooting him in the leg.

His accomplices, thinking their mate was being shot at, legged it. But having straddled their motorbikes, they made the error of looking back to see who was behind them. And this caused them to fall off or crash.

“They were the easiest criminals to catch,“ said a local police chief. “We were all laughing.”’

Posted: 28th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Gun & Punnet

‘WE know strawberries can be a little on the expensive side during the Wimbledon fortnight, but they’re surely not worth going to the lengths that three robbers went to in Germany.

They broke into a pick-your-own fruit farm near Munich and started doing just that until a woman who works there confronted them.

One of the men then pulled out a gun and another brandished a knife before they made their get-away…with £3 of strawberries.’

Posted: 25th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Witches Of Weatherfield

‘HEALTH and safety matters were highlighted on the Street this week. Both Jack and Dev are in the middle health scares and Steve McDonald has started fearing for his safety now that mum Liz is back, determined to reunite him with baby Amy.

‘Love lift us up where we belong…’

Liz has decided that Jack needs to get into shape, (“I am in shape – round is a shape…”) so has bought Fred Elliott’s exercise bike for him – along with some truly terrifying orange lycra cycling shorts.

Liz and Tyrone have made him a special map so that he can pretend he’s cycling to Skegness but at the rate he’s going he’ll be lucky to get to the Kabin by Christmas.

Dev’s health scare is far more serious than needing to shift a bit of extra weight: his doctor called him to say that there’s a strong possibility he’s got bowel cancer. A shattered Dev confided in Sunita, who promptly told him that he must tell Mad Maya.

Dev put if off – probably knowing what her reaction would be – and his worst suspicions were confirmed when he did tell her and she ran away.

Sunita as always was there to pick up the pieces. “You’re a good friend,” Dev told her, although it’s clear to everyone but him that she longs to be much more than that.

Steve is also staring death in the face after discovering that Liz was back and working behind the bar at The Rovers. “I won’t rest ‘til you’re reunited with Amy,” she told him. “And you’ve left that poison witch of a wife.”

Karen was equally delighted to see her mother-in-law. “Look what’s crawled out the gutter,” she snarled.

There was another welcome return for the Street’s other wicked witch: our Cilla. The Street has been a duller (and quieter) place since Cilla ran away with Uncle Ronnie.

She made her re-appearance outside Chesney’s school gates. “’Ello, Chesney, “she said, in a growl that only decades on the Superkings could produce. Cilla went on to explain her absence to her son. “I’m like a lioness, luv. I need to go away huntin’ fer food for us.”

Chesney, being 10, believed her and let her into Les’ house, hoping for a happy reunion. Unfortunately for Cilla, Les had already had a happy reunion; with his ex wife Janice.

Les had (finally) decided that Janice was the woman for him and set about wooing her. Being a Battersby, however, his wooing was something out of the ordinary – he decided to dress up in daughter Leanne’s belly-dancing outfit and turn up at the factory bearing gifts: 40 fags.

They say there’s someone out there for everyone and it’s clearly the case: who else but Janice Battersby would be won over by a ginger man in a bra top and knocked-off fags?’

Posted: 25th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Red-Faced Boy In Blue

‘DO as I say, not as I do. That was the message from Superintendent Peter West who had to dash home from a talk he was giving on crime prevention…because his house was being burgled.

The Kent cop went to comfort his wife after she found robbers had taken jewellery and personal items from their house in Folkestone.

‘My first instinct was concern for my family, followed by my professional instinct of wanting to catch whoever was responsible,” he said.

“I am no different from any other victim of crime in that I want to see justice done. I have since taken further security steps to protect my house.

‘Having been a policeman for a number of years, I do understand victims’ frustrations and I am very mindful of the security measures that need to be taken.”

Posted: 24th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Size Matters

‘ARE you a jackal or a boar? A primate or a bull?

A Czech condom manufacturer has been distributing penis-measuring postcards in thousands of pubs and clubs, which allows men to work out what category they fit in.

The card has a centimetre scale to measure length and four openings to measure girth, with the slogan: “Be a man, measure yourself. It’s worth it.’

The men are then ranked according to the two measurements with ‘primates’ at the bottom, ‘jackals’, and ‘boars’ in the middle and ‘bulls’ at the top.

Most men who have sent in their details to enter a prize draw have been boars, the company says.

‘We wanted to have a more entertaining promotion and so far there have been no complaints.’

Except from the women when they find out just how long 15cm really is…’

Posted: 23rd, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Beer We Go

‘IF the Czech Republic win Euro 2004, it won’t just be the fans who will be having the mother of all parties.

Manager Karel Bruckner and his players will do too, courtesy of the country’s Bernard brewery which is offering him them free beer as an incentive to bring the trophy home.

The players will each get 160 litres of beer for a year, but Bruckner will get 60 litres a year for the rest of his life – which probably won’t be very long if he drinks all of it.

Brewery spokesman Zdenek Mikulasek said: ‘While they will earn a lot of money if they win, we think the offer of free beer on top is extra motivation for the team and will inspire them to go for gold.”

Posted: 22nd, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Christ Alive!

‘IF officials ever needed to speak to the person in charge at the fundamentalist Christian Skjaergard’s School in Norway, they faced something of a problem.

The private school’s executive manager was listed as Jesus Christ – and the country’s Labour Inspection Authority were not sure he was answering his phone.

Inspector Gunn-Elise Lyngtveit Ramlet said: ‘We naturally cannot go to the spiritual world to contact those with chief responsibility for the health, environmental and safety work at the school.

‘I am not trying to ridicule the school, but if something were to go wrong at a school like this, the lines of responsibility have to be properly drawn.”

Posted: 21st, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Signs Of The Times

‘IT was only when Allied soldiers arrived in 1945 that residents of one Austrian place realised that their town’s name meant something in English.

No place like home

Spokesman Siegfried Hoeppl says that the name of his hometown came from Mr Fuck and his family who settled in the area 100 years ago, and added ‘ing’, meaning village or settlement.

“Everyone here knows what it means in English, but for us Fucking is Fucking – and it’s going to stay Fucking – even though the signs keep getting stolen.’

And those thefts – usually by British tourists – led to a public debate about whether the town should be renamed. The votes were cast and the result is that it will remain as Fucking.

And that can be no bad thing…’

Posted: 18th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bev Packs Her Bags

‘SINCE the departures of Liz and Cilla, the Street’s been lacking a certain something in the fishwife department.

When they were brown

Liz and Janice do their best but, since the appearance of factory manager Danny, who’s nicknamed them “Lippy and Bolshy”, they’ve had their wings clipped somewhat.

So it’s a welcome return to Weatherfield for Miss Leanne Battersby. Leanne, regular viewers will remember, left the street to go travelling after her disastrous marriage to Nick and subsequent abortion.

Her travelling didn’t take her that far, however, as father Les found her working in a dodgy strip bar. “I won’t ‘ave you in a place like this!” ranted Les, somewhat hypocritically as he’d gone there to celebrate Patrick’s birthday.

Having nothing better to do (clearly the call up for The Bill never came), Leanne decided that she’d go back to Weatherfield for a bit to “catch up with a few old faces”.

Leanne quickly discovered that Nick was engaged to Maria. “Would that be the same Maria who stole our Toyah’s boyfriend?” she asked Janice. On discovering that it was, Leanne decided, like all good fishwives, to take the law into her own hands and mete out some old school justice.

“You dirty little tart!” screamed Leanne to Maria in The Rovers. “You can’t keep your ‘ands off any man, can yer?” she continued, before lunging at Maria and pulling clumps of her hair out.

Nick, being about as useful in a fight as Elton John’s partner David Furnish, stood around ineffectually, worrying about breaking his nails. Leanne then threw a pint over Nick – making him marginally wetter than he normally is – and stormed off. What a woman!

And on the subject of deranged women, we said farewell to Bev this week. Charlie and Bev slept together again at The Rovers while Shelly was out with Sunita.

“I’m beginning to think I should have stuck with you,” Charlie smarmed in Bev’s ear. That was all the encouragement Bev needed to drag Charlie upstairs to that he could re examine the plasterwork on her ceiling.

The next day Bev was consumed with guilt (not enough to have actually stopped her though, obviously), and confessed to Shelly. “I don’t believe ya,” stammered Shelly. “You’re evil.”

Shelly stomped round to Charlie’s builder’s yard to confront him. “You won’t believe what my mum’s been saying now.” Oh I think he will, Shelly.

Charlie put on his best innocent face – one that’s probably had a lot of use. “Come on, Shelly. Would I do that to you?” Unfortunately the answer is yes.

Shelly, having already married a bigamist, isn’t the best judge of men and decided to take Charlie’s word over her mother’s. “I want you out,” she told Bev, “by the end of today.”

“He’ll break yer heart, Shelly luv. He’s a liar and a cheat,” sobbed Bev as she got into the back of Patrick’s taxi.

So just like her mum then?’

Posted: 18th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Lame Brain

‘SOMETIMES a name says so very much about a person. And so it is with Christopher Lame, who has reached out attention after an altercation in the Des Moins branch of the Taco Bells chain of restaurants.

Having given his order to staff member Nancy Harrison and received his food, Lame complained that he’d been given the wrong meal. She refused to deal with him. She turned away. And when she turned back Lame assaulted her with a chalupa, or deep-fried taco, which he pushed into her face.

Police are investigating.’

Posted: 17th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Football Crazy

‘A Malaysian man who sneaked out of bed to watch England’s Euro 2004 opener was assaulted by his wife who was armed with the TV remote control.

The man’s wife also took the smart card from their pay television service to prevent him from watching future live games.

The 46-year-old salesman, identified only as Yap, claimed his wife forced him to go to bed early because he had to take their two children to school the next day.

‘She refused to allow me to watch the game although I promised not oversleep or shun my responsibility of sending the children to school,’ he said.

When his wife woke up she grabbed the remote control and hit him on his head a few times before taking and hiding the smart card.

‘My wife just doesn’t understand my passion for football,’ said Yap.

After the man reported the incident to the public complaints department of the Malaysian Chinese Association, his wife relented and said he could watch soccer.’

Posted: 16th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Feeling Flush

‘WHAT we take for granted in the West, others can only dream of. We speak, of course, of a toilet to call our own.

So when a superloo was installed in the city of Gomel, Belarus, dreamers saw their chance. They lassoed the toilet and tethered the rope to a tractor. And they were off.

But one problem remained – there was a user stuck in the lav. The 45-year-old man was trapped.

But, as luck had it, the rope keeping him in his toilet prison came loose and he was able to make a jump for it. He did, breaking his collar bone in the fall.

But he managed to make it to a police station, where he reported his adventure. Police made arrests soon afterwards.’

Posted: 15th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Poppins Off

‘MARY Poppins has been an inspiration to millions of us.

And so it is that millions of housewives who have wanted to sprinkle a little fairy dust into their children’s lives have hired nannies – albeit ones from Slovenia.

But one man from China looked at Mary Poppins and felt an altogether different urge. He wanted to fly like his heroine. So he jumped from a window – a high window – holding an umbrella in the manner of La Poppins.

Amazingly, the umbrella failed to break his fall, let alone enable him to fly off, and he is now contemplating that on earth could have gone wrong from a hospital bed.

And that’s no ordinary hospital bed – it’s one with bed knobs on it. And if he can just get himself in the right position andf give it a good twist…’

Posted: 14th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Sorry Tail

‘PUBS don’t bother with quiz nights Down Under – patrons prefer something about more Australian. Like a mouse-chewing contest.

That is what happened at the Exchange Hotel in Brisbane, where contestants chewed up live mice spat them out all in a bid to win a holiday.

But the RSPCA heard about the stunt and was less than amused – and it now wants to prosecute the two men involved. RSPCA chief inspector Byron Hall said they faced fines of up to $75,000 and two years in prison if found guilty.

The Exchange Hotel issued a statement condemning the incident and promising an end to Jackass-style competitions.

‘We are embarrassed this incident occurred at our hotel,’ said the hotel’s senior manager Scott Agnew.

‘The offensive part of the promotion was conducted without the knowledge of our senior management and after this incident was brought to our attention we immediately made changes to stop such unacceptable behaviour.’

Besides, hamsters taste nicer…’

Posted: 11th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Family Affairs

‘THERE wasn’t a dry eye in Weatherfield this week as little Billy Platt was buried after his brief 24 hours as a cast member.

Yeugh!

The sight of his little shoebox-sized coffin in the back of the hearse caused even hardened hearts like Blanche’s to crack. Sarah has told Todd to keep away from the funeral but, when he turned up anyway, she didn’t have any strength left to fight him.

Even Gail showed some sympathy with the weeping Todd and agreed that he and Eileen could say goodbye to Billy at his graveside.

Martin decided to take matters into his own hands, however, and to mete out some old school Northern justice. When he ran into Karl at Weatherfield General, he started laying into him.

“That’s for Sarah and the baby,” he grunted as he booted Karl in the stomach – proving that an intimate knowledge of anatomy isn’t just good for nursing people back to health but also for putting them into comas.

Karl decided not to press charges, but Martin was still suspended from his job anyway; although what he actually does other than loiter in corridors and drink tea has never been really made clear.

Martin has offered to take David camping for a few days to try and get the family back to normal and so that he can avoid Katy, who’s taken to practically stalking him. The couple split up when Katy let slip that she’d known about Karl and Todd for ages.

“Yer not in the playground now Katy!” fumed Martin, “It’s not a game of who fancies who.” Much to dad Tommy’s delight, Katy has moved back home, but Katy’s determined to win Martin back. “I can’t live without ‘im, mam,” she whined.

Unfortunately, she tried to do this by sending him a ‘Happy Birthday Granddad’ card before finding out that Billy had died. Not surprisingly, Martin was less than impressed. At least he didn’t kick her head in though.

New character Danny provided some much-needed light relief this week. In under a week he’d renamed Karen and Janice “bloshy and lippy”, bedded Sunita and got more work out of the factory girls than Mike had in a year.

Danny boy wasn’t smiling for long, however, as his wife turned up unexpectedly, just as he was letting Sunita in for second helpings. “That’ll be the pizza delivery girl,” he told his wife, earning himself a deserved slap from Sunita.

Sunita’s set to deliver up something altogether more worrying in nine months from now – it’ll be interesting to see how he explains that away.

There’s more bed-hopping going on in Weatherfield as Bev and Charlie betray Shelly by sleeping together again. Shelly had stood Charlie up to go out with Sunita so Bev decided to ply Charlie with free drinks.

“I’d never stand you up,” she purred into his ear.

No, Bev always prefers to do it lying down.’

Posted: 11th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bowel Movement

‘YOU’RE sitting on the throne doing you business…and then you feel a movement. Except it’s not a bowel movement, but the public toilet in which you’re sitting is being moved.

That’s what happened to a 45-year-old man in the Belarussian city of Gomel, as thieves coolly walked up to the portable toilet and loaded it onto their tractor trailer in full view of passers-by.

The only man who realised there was something amiss was our hero, caught with his trousers down inside the toilet.

Unfortunately, he could not release himself until the rope the thieves had tied around the cubicle loosened because of the jolting ride, at which point he finally opened the door to find he was being driven at full speed through the city’s suburbs.

He jumped off the tractor and broke his collar-bone.

Police eventually tracked down the missing toilet to the house of a local resident.’

Posted: 10th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Walk Of Shame

‘YOU would have thought it was too cold to have sex outside in Aberdeen, but it’s not the temperature that’s the problem. It’s a clothes thief.

A woman had to do a very public walk of shame, returning home naked from a few moments of passion in a city park after her clothes were stolen by a thief.

Nor was her gallant partner much use – he is said to have run off after his clothes were taken during the incident at Bon Accord Terrace Gardens, leaving his 23-year-old belle to walk half a mile home through Aberdeen city centre, covered only by three sheets of newspaper.

When she got home, things went from bad to worse – she found her flatmate (believed to be her boyfriend) had locked her out, and her keys were in her stolen jacket. A neighbour had to call police, who arrived to let the woman in.

‘There is obviously an element of humour to this story,” a police spokesman said. “But there is also a serious side when someone drinks so much that they do something they would never dream of doing sober.”

Posted: 9th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sandwich Spread

‘WE’VE all heard stories about cooks spitting in the food of customers they didn’t like, but Anthony J Lindhorst took it one stage further.

The 26-year-old cook is accused of putting his own semen into the sandwiches of at least two people who came into the diner in Waterloo, Illinois, where he worked.

One of the alleged victims was a woman in her early 40s; the other was a male police officer who had issued him with a traffic ticket.

Police said Lindhorst had worked at the restaurant for about a year until he was sacked in April for bringing brownies to work that he had baked with marijuana and serving them to two co-workers.

He’s now been charged with aggravated battery and will stand trial on four counts.’

Posted: 8th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Green Sweat

‘A CHINESE man has mystified the medical profession after his sweat turned green.

The man from Guangzhou was moving furniture with a friend when he first noticed a bright green liquid pouring down his arms and forehead.

But so far the only theory doctors have for the condition is that it may be caused by a mystery parasite inside the patient’s body.

A doctor at the Guangzhou Friendship Hospital said he had read of cases of red and blue sweat in ancient medical books but never green sweat.’

Posted: 7th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Made In McRocco

‘WHEN staff at Careers Scotland, a Scottish employment quango, were told to wear T-shirts saying “Make It In Scotland”, they went along with the plan.

The shirts were worn at careers fairs to try to get schoolchildren interested in the manufacturing sector.

And it might have worked had it not been for small flaw in the scheme – the shirts were made in Morocco.

A Scottish Enterprise spokeswoman said: ‘We are under obligation to get the best products at a competitive price and sometimes this means sourcing them overseas.’

Nuff said.’

Posted: 4th, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Perks On The Job

‘HAVE you been caught looking at Internet porn at work? Shame on you, if you have. But one Danish IT company has come up with a novel way of dealing with such miscreants.

LL Media in Nordjylland has given all its employees free subscriptions to internet pornography sites.

The company’s director, Levi Nielsen, is sure he’s done the right thing. ‘We know that 80% of all hits on the Internet are on porn sites. And we can see that people also surf porn pages during work,’ he says.

The other 20% look at Anorak…’

Posted: 3rd, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sarah’s Hard Labour

‘IT’S been a sad week in Weatherfield as the Street’s youngest cast member joined and left Coronation Street within 24 hours.

‘He’s so macho’

Sarah Lou had decided to go back to work. “There’s no point mopin’ around,” she told her mum. “Soon I’ll have two mouths to feed,” she sighed. But the strain of lugging Fred Elliot’s breakfast to the table proved too much for her and she went into labour – two months early.

Luckily, Roy was on hand and he sprang into action. “Call an ambulance,” he shouted at Vera, “she’s havin’ the baby.”

The Platt and Grimshaw clans quickly gathered at Weatherfield General. And as all soap addicts know, hospital waiting rooms are built for the sole purpose of giving rowing families somewhere to scream at each other. “Stay away, you dirty queer!” screamed Sarah’s brother David at Todd as he tried to gain access to the delivery room. “’E’s my son; I’ve a right!” pleaded Todd. “Well, you should have thought of that before you turned gay!” retorted Gail.

Unsurprisingly, the whole street has turned against Todd. “It’s not ‘cos he’s queer,” Candice told his brother, Jason, “I mean, I bought a Will Young CD. It’s ‘cos of wot he did to Sarah.”

Even Jason is refusing to share a room with his brother, because all gay men are also into incest, obviously. So it’s left to Eileen the lioness to fight her son’s battles. “He’s more of a man than anyone on this street,” she shouted, “at least he had the courage not to live a lie.”

After a difficult birth, Sarah gave birth to little Billy, who was promptly whisked off into intensive care. “I wish I’d never ‘ad ‘im,” sobbed Sarah – and unfortunately Sarah’s wish came true just 24 hours later when baby Billy died. “I’m so sorry Todd,” sobbed Audrey sympathetically, “the little lad just wasn’t strong enough.” Just like his father then, eh?

On a lighter note, Weatherfield’s latest street Cassanova came riding into town in a soon-to-be repossessed Porsche. Mike Baldwin has decided to sell half his knicker empire to his nephew Danny. “It’s time I spent more time on the gold course,” he told the factory girls as he introduced them to their new boss. “Right then, knickers down girls,” Dennis told the ladies, “we’re going to get to know each other.”

Danny continued his charming patter in The Rovers that night, as Bev, factory girl Shelia and Sunita all made a play for him. “Wot you doing later?” he smarmed to Sunita, “how’s about dinner in an hour.” Sunita, a normally sensible girl, turned into a giggling 15-year-old and agreed.

The smile’s set to be wiped off her face soon though when she gets pregnant after their one-night stand and then discovers that Danny is actually married. Let’s hope Sunita’s nightmare doesn’t worsen and that her baby doesn’t take after it’s midget uncle – she’d never find it if she dropped it down the side of the sofa.’

Posted: 3rd, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Get Away!

‘ERNEST Di Falco, 53, is a bank robber. We know this because he was caught after his last caper went wrong.

Having scoped out and finally invaded the Bank of New York branch in Rutherford, New Jersey, Di Falco asked a cashier give him a lift to his getaway car.

The staff member could not or would not help, but offered to order a taxi for the villain instead. And when it arrived the cashier was able to take down the number plate and call the fuzz.

To compound his idiocy, one cashier recognised him as a former employee of a nearby pizza shop. He was soon caught and has been charged with armed robbery, which carries up to 20 years in jail.’

Posted: 2nd, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

No Flies On Him

‘FEW of us like flies. But Hu Xilin hates flies. The businessman from Zhejiang province, eastern China, hates flies so much he’s made it his life’s work to wipe them out.

He began to truly despise flies when one of them landed in a dinner as he dined with a client. The deal, worth £13,000, went sour – and Xilin blamed the fly and all fly kind.

He vowed revenge and has devised special contraptions to trap and kill flies. And he’s been successful, and has to date killed an estimated eight million flies over ten years (40kg of flies!).

But it’s not enough, and at a cost of £20,000, he’s recruiting a ‘swat’ team of fly killers.’

Posted: 1st, June 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Virgin On The Stupid

‘FERTILITY experts in Germany were scratching their heads when one couple came to visit.

They’d been having trouble conceiving a child and feared there was something amiss. After eight years of marriage, there was still no bundle of joy.

So they went to the University Clinic of Lubek for help. But after examining the couple the experts could find nothing wrong. The pair were fine, and just so long as they kept trying it would be possible to conceive.

But when a clinic spokesman asked them how often they had had sex, they were stumped. ‘What do you mean?’, they asked.

‘We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate,’ said a spokesman for the clinic.’

Posted: 28th, May 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment