Pull Over

‘POLICE in new York claim to have arrested a man who they saw watching a porn film on the DVD inside his Mercedes while driving his car.

Reports say that 35-year-old Andre Gainey was driving near the Schenectady Police Station when he was spotted by an officer in an unmarked car.

‘The movie was played in a way where it was easily seen by anybody that was behind the vehicle, like the detective was. It could’ve been a family that was behind him. Someone walking by would have easily seen this because the windows weren’t tinted at all,’ says a police spokesman.’

Posted: 27th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

My Two Dads

‘EVEN by soap standards, Karen and Steve’s wedding was spectacular. “I’ve got a bridesmaid who used to be a bloke!” joked Karen in the Kabin to Rita. “My wedding’s got everything.”

‘I’m going to call her Rosemary’

How right she was, including child snatching, violence, confessions of paternity and lies – and that’s before Steve and Karen’s marriage had even begun.

Tracy Barlow gave birth to her daughter in a typical over-staffed and patient-empty soap hospital ward. Steve had discovered Tracy’s plans to wreck his wedding and had gone round to have it out with her. Unfortunately for Steve, the baby also wanted to have it out with her at the same time and she went into labour.

Roy spotted them getting into his taxi and insisted, as the father, that he went along too, complete with several ‘How to give birth’ training manuals and spare cardie. Steve was more than happy to hand over responsibility for the loony in labour and ran back to the relative sanity of Karen, aka Bridezilla.

“Roy’s got no right to be in there with her,” shouted Blanche, “it should be me. I’m family.” “Well so is Roy,” shouted Hayley back. “He and Tracy are married.” Which was such startling news for the Barlow family that even Blanche was silenced.

When Tracy realised that Steve and she weren’t going to live unhappily ever after, she handed her daughter over to the ‘differently-abled’ Roy and Hayley. “They’ll be better parents than me,” she told her shocked family. And indeed a woman who used to be a man and a man who’s a borderline Norman Bates probably will be.

By the end of the week though, Tracy had changed her mind. “I want me baby back,” she sobbed to Blanche. “I didn’t know what I was doing.” Conveniently forgetting to mention that she knew enough of what she was doing to spend most of Roy’s money on holidays and clothes.

And of course, this being soapworld, Tracy had her change of heart on Karen and Steve’s wedding day. And as Hayley and Roy had taken her daughter to the wedding it meant that Tracy just had to crash proceedings – causing the most chaos and viewer ratings as possible.

“I want my baby back,” screamed Tracy as Steve and brother Andy tried to hold her back from ripping the baby out of Roy’s arms. “You’re not even his father – Steve is.” Which was news to the entire congregation – especially the bride. “Is this true Steve?” Karen asked, to which Steve used the classic bloke reply, “Sort of.”

After many tears and tantrums, Karen agreed to go through with the wedding and Roy reluctantly handed the baby back to its natural mother. “That’s means I’m a grandma now,” said a shocked Liz McDonald.

Roy and Hayley shouldn’t despair: with Tracy as a mum and Deirdre and Liz as grandmothers, little Aimee will be in care and up for adoption within a couple of weeks.’

Posted: 27th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Show And Tell

‘HOW far wold you go to secure a good grade at school? Would you strip off in front of a class full of students?

One college professor at Mars Hill College, North Carolina, made his class just such an offer: a strip show for an A grade.

One male student took him at his word and got naked in sociology class.

College President Dan Lunsford says the professor was intending to illustrate cultural differences and that public nudity is unacceptable in American society.

‘The professor realised that this had gone much beyond what he ever anticipated, and he was shocked and dismayed,’ said Mr Lunsford.

The professor has since resigned.’

Posted: 26th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Trail Of The Lonesome Cockatiels

‘WHEN a man in the Salisbury area had his aviary of 12 cockatiels raided he feared he would never see his beloved birds again.

Luckily for him, the birds had developed the habit of whistling the Laurel and Hardy theme tune.

Police asked the local populace to keep their ears open, and when a member of the public heard such a noise coming from a house he knew what to do.

He called the police and as a result eight of the birds have now been reunited with their owner and a 33-year-old man and a 27-year-old woman have been arrested on suspicion of theft.

The remaining fours birds are feared to be in a fine mess.’

Posted: 25th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Marijuana Is A Plant

‘MANY students have not gotten along too well with their teacher, but assistant school principal Pat Conroy of South Haven High School in Michigan took things further than most.

Convinced an unnamed boy at his school was dealing drugs, Conroy tried to prove his theory. But unable to find any real evidence he planted some marijuana in the boy’s locker and called the police.

But the police sniffer dog failed to find the contraband, and to compound Conroy’s failure, when police searched his office they found a drawer filled with packets of suspected marijuana and assorted pills.’

Posted: 24th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Love Handles All

‘ROLF Schmidt, a 38-yar-old German, says he will only marry his lover, Isabel Witte, if she weighs ten stones. Since she now tips the scales at 14-stones, nuptials seem a way off yet.

The other condition of winning that old romantic fool Ralph’s hand is that Isabel has to fit into her old jeans, a size 32. She is a size 42.

Most women worth their salt would tell Rolf where to go – or sit on him – but Isabel is desperately in love (surely just desperate) and has agreed to undergo plastic surgery to get her man.’

Posted: 23rd, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Voter’s Best Friend

‘WE should all exercise our voting rights. Even if Tony is going to get in again, we should still vote – just in case.

But Brenda Gould, of Newmarket, near Cambridge, took things too far. ‘Mrs Gould completed her form for 2003/2004 indicating that her address had been split into two properties, with her residing in one part and showing two other persons living in the second,’ said a council spokesman.

‘It emerged that the other persons Mrs Gould claimed to be living in the second property were, in fact, her cows. It was the second time Mrs Gould had submitted false electoral information, as the electoral form she submitted for the previous year had listed her cows, ‘Henry and Sophie Bull’, and her dog, ‘Jake Woofles’, as being eligible to vote in local government elections.’

Mrs Gould failed to show up at court but was convicted in her absence and ordered to pay a £100 fine and £110 costs.’

Posted: 20th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Pull The Udder One

‘WHEN Kim Riley was swept away by floods she feared for her life. The area around Mrs Riley’s farm in Woodville, New Zealand, was hit by ferocious storms when she was leading a herd of around 350 cows to safety.

Suddenly, a current of floodwater took her and her herd. “It was amazing how the current picked me up,” she says. “Before I knew it, I as being pushed along with the cows… I thought most of the cows had abandoned me. They were strong swimmers and they left me in their wake. But I looked back and saw one of the last cows bearing down me, number 569. As went by I threw my arm over her neck”.

The cows, labelled an “ugly old tart” by Mrs Riley, swam them both to safety.’

Posted: 19th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Mummy Knows Best

‘TO prove that George Bush is not the dumbest American in the US of A, we give you Trilane Ludwig, a villain of limited intelligence.

Having been stopped by police in his native Washington state, Ludwig was offered the chance to bail himself out of jail. So he called his mum and asked her to take the $500 from his wallet and get along to the local station.

She did as asked and promptly handed over a bundle of badly printed counterfeit notes to the cops. Ludwig is now helping police with their enquiries.’

Posted: 18th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Monkey business

‘GERMAN pop music has long been a favourite of ours. And now we read that Werner Boehm, who recently appeared on the German version of I’m A Celebrity…, has hit the headlines in his native land after a public spat with his wife, Susanne.

After years of marriage, Susanne gave her husband an ultimatum: ”Either the monkey goes or I do.” Needless to say that Werner chose the monkey, a female baboon who had taken to sharing the marital bed.

But time is a great healer and now the monkey has gone to a zoo and Susanna has gone home. “At first I didn’t want to go back,“ says Susanna, “but Werner assured me that I feel much nicer in bed than the monkey.”’

Posted: 17th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Body Of Evidence

‘WE are all for the enterprise culture here at Anorak Towers. But even thrusting young Blairites like us must draw the line at the efforts of one Japanese man to boost his failing business.

Nobuhiko Takahashi ran an undertakers. And the one thing undertakers need about all else is a steady supply of dead bodies. But our hero could not wait for the corpses to come to him so he went to them.

He began by visiting his aunt, and finding her alive and thus not a very useful customer, beat her to death with a golf club. “I thought I would be able to undertake a funeral if I killed auntie,” he told police.

Auntie was buried, albeit my another firm.’

Posted: 16th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bush Babies

‘BEIJING businessman Guo has applied for permission to use the name of George W Bush for his brand of disposable nappies. He has filed an application with the General Administration for Industry and Commerce of China asking to be able to use the word ‘Bushi’ as a trademark.

But although there are some people who may suggest that this has something to do with the US President being full of shit, Guo explains: ‘I hit upon the idea by chance. Back in my hometown in Henan Province, the pronunciation of ‘Bushi’ sounds exactly like ‘not wet’.’

According to an official at the State Trademark Bureau called Liu the application was very likely to be rejected ‘because it may bring about bad social impact if a leader’s name is registered as a trademark’.

However, it will take 16 months for the application to be considered, at the end of which (by any luck) Bushi may just be an ex-President.’

Posted: 13th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Monkey Puzzle

‘GERMAN pop star Werner Boehm has been issued with an ultimatum by his young wife – the monkey or me.

The 62-year-old moved the 10-year-old female baboon into the marital home after meeting her on the set of a music video.

‘It was love at first sight,” he said. “The monkey is extremely musical and can even play the piano. We’re on the same wavelength.’

However, wife Susanne is less impressed, especially when the monkey was allowed into their bed.

‘I gave him the choice: The monkey or me,” the 31-year-old said. “He chose the monkey. It’s incredibly painful to know that some baboon is more important to him than I am.’

Boehm, whose popularity has surged since an appearance on the German version of I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!, said that his wife was welcome to stay “but only if she accepts the monkey’.’

Posted: 12th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Mice In Space

‘IT seems that it is not only humans who have caught the space bug – mice are trying to muscle in on the act.

US and Australian university researchers are preparing to help send 15 mice into space in 2006, with the wee beasties due to spend five weeks in low Earth orbit before parachuting down to terra firma.

A Russian dog was the first animal in space, but the mouse-onauts are aiming for something altogether harder – Mars.

Paul Wooster from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology said the mice would provide valuable data about the effects that the low gravity of Mars would have on the human body.

‘What we’re really trying to find out is what the effects are while they’re there,” he said, “and if there are any countermeasures we should be developing to help them out while they’re on the surface including different types of exercise protocols as well as various pharmacological methods.’

What next? Flying pigs?’

Posted: 11th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

White Lines

‘THE Aussies have a reputation for being tough, but three of their number had to be treated for nausea after a package containing white powder was delivered to an electrical store in Melbourne.

Fair enough if the powder had been anthrax, but it turned out to be a completely harmless vegetable powder used to stop bank notes sticking together when packed.

It was purely panic that caused the victims to require treatment for nausea, sore throats and dizziness.

A spokesman for Victoria state’s Department of Human Services said: ‘This was not a chemical incident.”

Posted: 10th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

If music be the food of love…

‘PEACE at last! A British-based company has come up with a way of healing the world’s divisions and putting an end to the daily death toll around the world – an AK-MP3 player.

The device, which has enough space to store 9,000 songs, is built into the ammunition clip of a Kalashnikov and can be swapped with the real magazine carrying bullets and inserted into the weapon.

Former Russian rock star Andrey Koltakov, a partner in the Buckinghamshire-based company of Russian businessmen, said: ‘This is our bit for world peace – hopefully, from now on many militants and terrorists will use their AK-47s to listen to music and audio books.’

The accessory, which is ‘uniquely suitable for outdoors’, costs just over £200.’

kittychesterz

Posted: 9th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Up Close And Personal

‘DOUG Neece from Iowa has been convicted of indecent exposure despite his wife testifying in court that her husband’s penis couldn’t have been seen from 35ft away, as alleged.

Neece’s wife, Sheila, told the jury that her husband isn’t very well endowed. From the distance the plaintiff said she saw him exposing himself, Shelia claimed it would have been impossible to have seen her husband’s manhood.

Perhaps to Mr Neece’s relief, the appeal fell on deaf ears.’

Posted: 6th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Lorra Lorra Money

‘THE comedy genius that is Peter Kay left the Phoenix Club (“sunshine indoors”) to pay a welcome visit to The Rovers Return this week.

Norman Bates

He played brewery delivery man Eric and would-be suitor to Shelly. “Sunshine Shelly, I call yer, cos yer light up me life,” he told Shelly over the bar.

Shelly had agreed to go on a date with Eric after much persuading from mum Bev. “Yer need to get back out there luv. Some of my best dates were with blokes I didn’t fancy.” Indeed – some of Bev’s dates were with blokes who were barely alive.

Eric tried desperately to make a good impression. “You can’t be Shelly’s mam,” he told a purring Bev, “yer look far too young. No, wait! I’ve just seen the neck. That’s always the giveaway.”

Eric took Shelly to the most expensive restaurant in Weatherfield (I wasn’t aware that Nandos had branches up North) and the date seemed to be going quite well. Shelly even agreed to go back to his house for a coffee, which in Eric’s case probably really did mean a coffee.

Eric’s house turned out to be quite special. “Look at that,” he said to her proudly pointing to a gas fire. “Real log effect, that is.” Shelly started backing away into the china dogs and bumped straight into Eric’s mum.

“Who are you?” she bellowed. “Eric’s never brought a friend home before.” “Don’t sit there!” she hissed. “That’s me husband’s chair. He may be dead but he’s still with us.”

Not surprisingly, Shelly asked to call a cab. “Don’t forget to leave the money next to the phone,” Eric’s mother told her as Shelly ran out the door.

There was more classic Corrie comedy from Kirk as he decided to hand himself in to the police after a couple of hours on the run. “My name’s Kirk Sutherland – but you’ll probably know me as the criminal mastermind behind the robbery of the Arcade jewellery shop,” he told a bemused desk sergeant.

Kirk had ‘gone on the run’ after Tyrone told him that he’d seen his face on a local crime show, stealing Fizz’s engagement ring. “I can’t go to jail,” Kirk told Fizz in an emotional farewell, “I’m too pretty.”

A life on the run (or rather two hours in a bus stop) changed Kirk’s mind, however, and he meekly accepted his formal caution and promised never to darken their doors again.

Unfortunately for Rita, her brush with the law was a lot more serious. Her court case was heard this week and the magistrate found her guilty of assaulting Courtney and ordered her to pay £500 in damages.

“Yeees!!!” screamed Cilla from the gallery. “Florida here we come.” Rita was more angry than upset and launched into a rant about the state of British justice that any Daily Mail reader would have been proud of. A rant that won her a night in the cells.

Fear not for Cilla is about to get her comeuppance shortly as Fizz comes to Rita’s rescue. The closest Cilla’s ever going to get to Disneyland is a night in with Dopey (Kirk) and Grumpy (Les).’

Posted: 6th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Giant Ejaculation

‘A 50-TON decomposing sperm whale exploded while being transported through Tainan City, Taiwan, on its way to a research centre.

The incident splattered cars and shops with blood and blubber.

National Cheng Kung University’s Professor Wang Chien-ping had ordered the remains to be taken to the Shi-Tsao Natural Preserve.

He said: ‘The animal was close to death when someone found it beached on shore on Saturday. Because of the natural decomposing process, a lot of gases accumulated, and when the pressure build-up was too great, the belly exploded.’

No Japanese were thought to be involved.’

Posted: 5th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Undercover Research

‘NEW Jersey Police Chief James Martin Leason has been suspended without pay and charged with promoting prostitution.

In addition, he has been charged with misconduct in office – a crime that could see him banged up for up to 15 years if convicted.

The irony of this tale is that Leason was allegedly visiting a brothel at the Arbors Apartments in Maple Shade, a place that had been under police surveillance since at least July 2003.

Smart lad.’

Posted: 4th, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Cock Up

‘AUSTRIAN dog lovers are mourning the demise of a dog who has died after it urinated on a lamppost made ‘live’ by faulty wiring.

Some would say that dogs fouling the pavement and city are a scourge of modern life and this is some sort of justice.

But the dog’s owner was not happy and complained to the local council.

Council spokesman Nikolaus Thiemann said: ‘It was not a large charge, it was under 100 volt which for a human with two legs on the ground and a good pair of shoes would probably not be dangerous.

‘But a dog has better contact with the ground and in addition the ground was wet, so the charge earthed very quickly.”

Posted: 3rd, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

TV Time

‘JUNIOR Allen, 63, knows all about the toughness of the US penal system. He’s been in prison since 1970, and has applied again to the North Carolina Parole Commission for release following 25 straight rejections.

His crime? Stealing a TV set. One TV set!

‘I’m going to smile on the outside, but I’m definitely going to be crying inside. And probably cry inside until I get across the state line,’ says Allen, who plans to be free by December.

The state says Allen’s behaviour is one of the reasons he is still in jail, saying how he has committed 62 infractions.

By way of background, the same commission released Howard Washington on parole in January – after 10 years in prison for murder.’

Posted: 2nd, February 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Pie, A Pint & A Plot

‘REGULARS at The Church Inn in Uppermill need not worry about having to change their local after their deaths – landlord Julian Taylor has bought a nearby plot of land and turned it into a cemetery.

He said he got the idea of buying the land at Saddleworth, Greater Manchester, from his dad Michael who wanted to be buried in such a picturesque spot – and now has permission to sell off 8,000 plots for burial.

His aunt Evelyn is already buried there and regulars – young and old – have started snapping up their final resting place. “One of them has even asked his friends to pop into the cemetery with their pints on Friday nights after he dies, so that he can still have a drink with his pals,’ Mr Taylor explained.

‘A 28-year-old lad has even bought three plots – one for himself and two to sell on, because he thinks land will be at such a premium in a few years. The motto among some visitors to the pub when we were trying to get planning permission was ‘a pie, a pint and a plot”.’

Posted: 30th, January 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Tying The Knot

‘FIZZ has finally chosen between her two suitors, much to the relief of everyone on the street.

Put some Fizz into your life

“It’s so hard being this irresistible,” she sighed to Shelly in The Rovers as Janice choked on her hot pot.

Tyrone got in first with a ring and a marriage proposal, but she turned him down. “I’m sorry, Ty, but me ‘art belongs to another.” (Gregg’s the bakers presumably).

When Kirk heard that Tyrone had bought an engagement ring, he was determined not to be left out. But unfortunately Kirk has about 50 pence to his name – and about as many brain cells – so decided to steal a genuine cubic zirconia from his local branch of Argos.

His fear at getting caught, however, was quickly overcome when Fizz agreed to be his wife. His happiness may be short-lived as Tyrone happened to see CCTV footage of the hapless one stealing the ring on a local crime show.

“When Fizz finds out, the weddin’ will be off,” he told Vera. “No-one makes a fool out of me.” Presumably because he does a good enough job on his own.

Another wedding that might very well be cancelled is Steve and Karen’s. This time, however, the happy couple actually know nothing about it.

Tracy Barlow has become a fully-fledged bunny boiler and is out to wreck Steve’s life, using the classic loony logic of ‘If I can’t have him then no-one can’.

Tracy declared her undying love to a shocked Steve. “Yer make me belly flutter more than the bay-bee,” she wailed. Steve was understandably horrified. “You’re mental!” he said, stating the obvious. “Stay away from me and Karen.”

Tracy’s now setting about cancelling Steve’s wedding by pretending to be Karen and calling up all the suppliers in tears, claiming that she’s been dumped. Now Brenda ‘voices in my head’ has been sectioned, the Street’s been lacking a loony – here’s hoping this storyline runs for a while.

New character Karl has just been introduced as a nursing friend of Martin’s. Martin is becoming increasingly jealous of him and the time he spends with Katy. He needn’t worry, however, as Karl is being lined up as Todd’s gay lover.

Katy and Martin were due to go on a double date with Todd and Sarah Lou to see Badly Drawn Boy (going on a double date with your step daughter and a girl from her class being of course the most normal thing in the world), but now Martin can’t make it.

“No worries,” said Katy, much to Martin’s displeasure. “I’ll ask Karl.” “Ooh! Badly Drawn Boy!” said Karl. “He rocks!” The bloke is clearly homosexual.’

Posted: 30th, January 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Scotch Mist

‘WHY do the Scots do it to themselves?

Scottish rockers Mogwai have apparently won thousands of new converts for their music in Croatia after they called the English football team ‘bastards’ and told Croatian journalists that they hope England get ‘destroyed’ at the Euro 2004 finals in Portugal this summer.

‘I’d love Croatia to beat England,’ Barry Burns said after the group’s concert in Zagreb on Sunday. “Please destroy those bastards.”

England play Croatia on June 21 in Lisbon in their Group B match.

The Scots watch it on TV because yet again they didn’t qualify.’

Posted: 29th, January 2004 | In: Strange But True | Comment