Top Of The Burps

‘HISTORY shows that at a time, Britons have been the world’s fastest, strongest and best.

And adding his name to the Guinness World Records holders is Paul Hunn. The solicitor’s clerk from London has entered the sacred book by way of this belching.

Mr Hunn is the world’s loudest belcher and can belch at a massive 118.1 decibels. That is as loud as the sound made by an aircraft taking off.

Says the champion: “My girlfriend wasn’t too keen at first, but when we went to America to appear on a chat show there, she soon came round.”’

Posted: 18th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Rock And A Hard Place

‘MOST companies like their staff to follow other pursuits outside work. As such, German engineer Thomas Milnik might feel aggrieved.

While mountaineering on the Zugspitze, one of the highest Alpine peaks, Milnik became trapped when a snowstorm struck.

Five days later he was rescued and taken to a nearby hospital. While doctors were contemplating the amputation of six of his toes, Milnik received a letter from his company. No, not a get well soon card. They had sent him a redundancy notice.

The firm, Schroeder & Uhlken, are undeterred by mounting criticism. “We only hired Mr Milkin at the beginning of October,” said a spokesman for the firm, “and he is still in his trial period. This is the second time something like this has happened within that time.”’

Posted: 17th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Happy Dog Tail

‘GERMAN police dog Falk has been sacked after catching more rabbits than criminals. Dog handler Bianca Mauermann, 29, from Dresden said the one-year-old dog was just too nice to work for the police – instead of sniffing for criminals or missing people, he spent most of the time running off into nearby woods to chase rabbits.

‘It was a shock when I was told he was to be let go,” she said. “But then he always was too nice and friendly.’ The young bloodhound is now expected to be trained up as a hunting dog.’

Posted: 14th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Gorilla-gram

‘DONNA Air and her zoo-owner boyfriend Damian Aspinall intend to place baby daughter Freya in the care of a gorilla to introduce her to the animals.

She will be put into the gorilla enclosure at Howletts Zoo near Canterbury, Kent, where she will be carried off by the female of the group.

‘It is a ritual,” says Aspinall. “I’ll probably give her to the dominant female who will take her off and introduce her to the others.’

The multi-millionaire said he had no qualms about his actions, saying that his two other daughters, Clary, 11, and Tansy, 14, had also been introduced to the gorillas at the zoo in the same way.

‘Why would I not trust them? I know them, I grew up with them, they are my friends,’ he says.’

Posted: 13th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Casual Acquaintance

‘BOUNCERS at an Aberdeen pub refused to let a woman come in – because she was carrying a Burberry umbrella.

The brand has become fashionable with football hooligans and many pubs now operate such a policy.

But the unnamed woman said: ‘I looked nothing like a soccer casual. I was wearing the best of clothes. But for some reason they had a real problem with my bag and umbrella. It’s absolutely ridiculous and I think they took things too far. There was no way I would have caused any problems in the pub.’

Maureen Lethorn, manager of The Filling Station bar, has apologised to the woman, saying: “We have had a number of incidents where people wearing Burberry have caused problems.

‘It is not a general ban but we don’t want rowdies so we judge each case as it comes along. Unfortunately this woman arrived shortly after a group of young lads were turned away for wearing Burberry. It was more a case of bad timing.”

Posted: 12th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Biscuit Case

‘CHINA has built a factory making bamboo-shaped biscuits exclusively to cater for the nutritional needs of the country’s captive giant pandas.

Steamed bread, the staple food for most captive giant pandas after fresh bamboo, loses much of its nutritional value in cooking, resulting in malnutrition for many pandas.

So experts at the Giant Panda Breeding and Research Centre in the city of Chengdu set up the factory in the hope that the biscuits (which contain higher levels of fibre and vitamins than their normal diet) would solve the problem.

The biscuits are being given to 30 pandas at the centre, and are now apparently top dish on their menu.

They are so popular that experts plan to expand the idea to animals in captivity across the country.’

Posted: 11th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Kiss Off

‘COMMUNISM, or the totalitarian Soviet version of it, may be consigned to history’s dustbin, but Russian authorities still want to control their citizens’ lives, so much so that in Moscow they are considering a ban on kissing in public.

The city’s government is said to be working on an order that would ban snogging in subways and other public places. ‘Children do not need any sexual education classes in school. They get amoral lessons every day when they see what goes on around them,’ committee member Tatyana Maximova said. ‘People are making out even on the escalator in the metro. Something must be done about this.’

However, human rights activist Valeriya Novodvorskaya vowed to violate any ban as often as possible if it was enacted. ‘If this is not a joke and the mayor’s office is indeed drafting such a resolution, I will start spending my days kissing in public places – just out of principle,’ she said, urging other residents to do the same.

Fines for breaking the rules, if they are adopted, would range from 300 to 500 roubles (up to £10). And if the kissing couples didn’t have the money, the paper reported, police could hold until somebody paid.’

Posted: 10th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Tread Softly

‘THE harsh ring of the school bell is painful to a child’s innocent ears.

So an Austrian school has replaced it with two minutes of soft music played before the end of each lesson.

Mattersburg High School, Burgenland, has replaced the shrill school bell with a short burst of stress-reducing music.

The school’s headmistress, Ms Schwarz, is delighted with results.

‘Before we introduced the music, lessons ended abruptly with children bumping into each other in the hurry to leave the classroom and the bell only used to add to teachers’ headaches, which aren’t uncommon after taking a class of unruly kids.”

Posted: 7th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Cry Baby

‘TECHNOLOGY is a wonderful thing. It’s very nearly as wonderful as children. And a combination of the two has led to police apprehending a thief in Germany.

The robber was arrested after a mother heard him telling a friend how he had tried to rob a liquor store in Herne – on her baby monitor. The man’s broadcast on an amateur radio frequency was picked up by the mother. She called the police.

The man, who only lived a few streets away, was arrested. .’

Posted: 6th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Take Him Down(stairs)

‘WHEN a man from Mironeasa village in Iasi, Romania, was sentenced for trying to kill one of his neighbours, he screamed his innocence.

And then he ran. He hid for 11 years in the basement of his house. And that’s some going – since he was originally sentenced to eight years in jail.

Now 31 and under arrest, he says: “I stayed 11 years underground because I consider myself innocent. I don’t want to go to jail for something I never did.

‘I hid under the house and went out only a few times for food supplies. But there were people who knew where I was and I think somebody betrayed me”.’

Posted: 5th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Little Big Man

‘IT takes a big man to admit his faults. And it takes a little one to apply for a free penis enlargement in Brazil.

A group of 35 Brazilian doctors are offering free penis enlargement surgery to anyone who satisfies their criteria.

To be up for the job, applicants must be at least 21 years old and have a penis not bigger than four-and-a-half inches when erect.

They must also be poor, taking home less than £200 a month.

The group’s Doctor Menezes said: ‘We are doing this to celebrate the milestone of 1,000 surgeries of this kind done in the country since 1996.”

Posted: 4th, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

I’m On The Train

‘LEAVES on the line. The wrong kind of snow. Lazy staff who can’t be bothered to work so they’re striking instead. All excuses for trains not running on time. And now for a new one from America: hand stuck down train toilet whilst trying to retrieve mobile phone.

A man spent 90 minutes of his life aboard the 6:19 from New York’s Grand Central Station with his arm wedged in the toilet’s u-bend trying to reach the phone he had dropped.

After the train’s crew had tried in vain to free the man’s hand, the train was stopped at the city’s Fordham station, where it blocked the line while the rescue operation went on. Trains were unable to pass as firefighters dismantled the entire toilet.

The man never found his mobile phone.’

Posted: 3rd, November 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Excess Baggage

‘AN aeroplane pilot in Egypt caused a three-hour delay on a flight to Dubai when he refused to take off because he said one of his passengers was too fat.

There were angry scenes on the EgyptAir flight after the man barred the woman from boarding the plane with five passengers opting to cancel their flights in protest.

The pilot banished the woman not because of fears that the plane would struggle to get off the runway but that the trip would cause her medical problems.

The pilot was eventually forced to fly with his unwanted passenger. The woman’s identity and weight have gave not been revealed’

Posted: 31st, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A New Craze Is Porn

‘A NEW craze is sweeping Germany – porno karaoke.

The X-rated shows, in which blue movies are loaded into a projector and contestants (normally a man and a woman) have to provide the soundtrack, are said to be sweeping the country.

A premiere was organised in Berlin last month after a successful test run in the northern city of Hamburg and the trend has already spawned imitators in other major cities.

The crowd, which tends to find the show more comic than erotic, then chooses the couple that has given the most convincing, creative and ecstatic performance while faking an orgasm before hundreds of strangers.’

Posted: 30th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Claret Jog

‘FOUR local breweries are doing their best to persuade more people to give blood by offering donors a free pint of beer for every pint of blood.

The promotion by the United Blood Services of Durango also involved workers at the blood bank dressing up in Halloween costumes, including vampires.

Meanwhile, the four breweries are competing to see which one could collect the most blood.

The owner of the brewery collecting the lowest amount gets a special booby prize – hair dyed blood red.’

Posted: 29th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Orgasmatron

‘FORGET foreplay – a Texas company claims to have invented a device that takes women to a pre-orgasmic state simply by stimulating sexual nerve pathways to the pelvis.

Stimulation Systems says its Slightest Touch invention is designed to be used 10 to 20 minutes before sex and bring the wearer to a state of sexual readiness where the ‘slightest touch’ can trigger an orgasm.

About the size of a Walkman, the £120 battery-powered device, which works via a pair of electrical pads attached to the ankles, was invented by accident when one of the four co-inventors was trying to develop an electrical foot massager.

Company spokeswoman Cherisse Davidson said the device produced a ‘very gentle tingling sensation’ in the lower ankle, and ‘butterflies’ or ‘sparklers’ in the pelvis.

‘I prefer my sex with it,’ she said. ‘It intensifies the experience. The orgasms are more intense, they last longer and I usually have more than one.’

However, retired psychiatrist Stephen Barrett has his doubts. ‘That’s nuts. That’s bullshit. You’re not going to stimulate anything in the pelvis by stimulating the ankle,’ he said.’

Posted: 28th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Whiff Of Trouble

‘A MAJOR security alert was sparked off when a novelty dog toy which breaks wind as it bends over set off an explosives detector at a US airport.

Armed security staff sprang into action after something in the dog’s ‘wind breaking’ mechanism apparently registered as high explosive TNT on their equipment at Norfolk airport in Virginia.

Owner Dave Rogerson, 31, from Leeds, was grilled by FBI agents and looked on in amazement as they took a series of swabs from the replica animal’s rear end. They eventually returned the dog but stopped Mr Rogerson taking his planned flight to Charlotte, North Carolina, and rerouted him via Philadelphia.

‘They told me its was the highest reading they had for explosives and they took it very seriously,’ said Mr Rogerson. ‘They were very jumpy and convinced there was something explosive in the dog.’

He said the situation was made worse because he had placed his passport and boarding card under the dog as it passed through the sensor machine. When the agents demanded his papers he had to tell them they were in the isolation zone around the dog.’

Posted: 27th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Something To Judge By

‘JUDGE are a famously odd breed. And news from France that one of their number has been seen masturbating in court doesn’t surprise us in the least.

A magistrate, whose name is not mentioned in despatches, has been spotted pleasuring himself in a court in Angouleme. Witnesses to the fact number one lawyer, a woman in the public gallery and a journalist.

An investigation into the incident is underway, and the judge is expected to undergo some psychiatric tests.’

Posted: 24th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

In The Frame

‘WISHING to keep alive the memory of a great day out, many of us take pictures with a camera.

And it’s the same for idiots and villains as it is for the rest of us, a truth confirmed by reports of an incident in Hampshire.

A gang had broken into a school and set about smashing it up when they spotted a camera. So they took picture of themselves amid the devastation.

There is a particularly nice shot of them pouring paint into a computer.

Problem is that when they fled the scene they left the camera behind, so giving the police a pretty decent chance of catching them.’

Posted: 23rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Family (Mis)fortunes

‘IF there’s a soap award going for Most Dysfunctional Family, then close all bets now for you’re going to be hard pressed to beat the Barlows.

‘Mind who you call boring!’

There’s dad Ken (affairs too many to mention; fathered a ‘love-child’ with a deranged hairdresser), mum Deride (went to prison after falling for a manager of Tie Rack and then married a Moroccan waiter), son Peter (bigamy) and daughter Tracy (where to start?).

Peter has returned to the bosom of his (Addams) family to discover if he’s going to be charged with having two wives or not, although quite frankly that punishment alone is suffering enough.

Peter was startled to discover that his ‘sister’ was pregnant. “Crikey Tracy luv, I thought I had troubles but you! You’re havin’ a baby with an anorak-wearing freak who’s married to a bloke called Harold.”

Tracy calmly pointed out that she wasn’t about to take relationship advice from a bloke looking at six months in prison for bigamy.

Roy and Hayley are understandably concerned that, given Tracy’s rather ‘special’ mental state, she may back out of the deal to sell them her baby.

On the advice of their solicitor (who clearly went to the same law school as Judge Judy), Roy has proposed marriage to Tracy. “You have GOT to be joking,” she screeched. “I’m enough of a laughing stock as it is.”

Roy, not being as simple as his special needs tartan shopping bag may suggest, thought Tracy may be trying it on and pretending that he’s the father.

Roy went to confront Wally Bannister (the gardener who pretended to be a millionaire), to ask him if he could be the father. Wally was able to put Roy’s mind at rest by telling him that, as he’d had mumps as a teenager, he couldn’t possibly be the father.

Unfortunately for Roy, he doesn’t know that Tracy also had a dalliance with Steve McDonald. And according to the papers, Steve is the baby’s father.

Let’s hope for all concerned that the news doesn’t get out – the body count in Kill Bill will be nothing compared to the blood bath in Weatherfield if Karen ever finds out.

Elsewhere on The Street, Nick has started ‘dating’ Candice – although their dates seem to start and end in her bedroom. “I’m only having a bit of fun,” Nick told Martin, “but she’s getting so serious.”

Nick probably decided to confide in his step-father on the grounds that if anyone knows teenaged girls, it’s him.

Most incredible storyline of the year, however – even over the Tracy-Roy-Steve love triangle – is that Les Battersby managed to ‘charm’ a woman into bed. Les had told her that he was a record producer called Clint (“as in Eastwood”) and told her he’d like to “audition” her back at her flat.

Amazingly she fell for it. It will come as no surprise then when it’s revealed soon that Les’ new girlfriend is actually Fizz’s mother.’

Posted: 23rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Got Wood

‘LADDA Satiya, 66, felt very ill after ingesting poisonous mushrooms – a foolish thing to do, but she did it.

Feeling dizzy and breathless, the Malaysian woman sought help.

So, as anyone would, she contacted her local abbot, Pra Boonsong, at the Thepprasart Temple in Pattaya. And he lent her a carved wooden phallus.

He suggested Satiya swallowed a blend of rice and water ground up by the penis. This she did and soon felt much better.

But this medical wonder is not open to all us just yet since Boonsong is refusing to reveal the source of the penis wood for fear of forest devastation.’

Posted: 22nd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Shoot On Sight

‘APPLEDORE FC are not an especially bad outfit. Their misfortune is that they play on a pitch that runs very close to the home of one Paul Vose.

And, as is the way with football, many balls have flown over the fence into Mr Vose’s garden.

Indeed, the number of balls to have made such a journey currently stands at 18.

Problem is that Mr Vose has locked the balls in his shed and will not return them.

Gary Ford, who manages the Devon-based team, is threatening to sue his neighbour.

“His garden is eight yards from the back of the goal. This is not a high standard of football – some balls are bound to go over.“

Says Mr Vose: “They should be better at shooting.”’

Posted: 21st, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Batteries Not Included

‘NEWS now that Germans are not all ruthlessly efficient. Police in Bremen are hunting a thief who might just be the country’s most useless burglar of all time.

Having broken into the offices of a timber firm, the villain ripped open the coffee machine looking for cash. There was none to be had – since it only accepted tokens. Our hero then nicked a mobile phone – which only works in the office – and an electronic cordless screwdriver, leaving behind the batteries and charger.

He then drank a can of Coke that forensics later revealed to have been one year past its sell-by date.’

Posted: 20th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Whole Tooth

‘POLICE are used to having to identify murder victims by their dental records, but it’s not often that suspects’ gnashers get them into trouble with the law.

However, Paul D Lee, of Indiana, found himself charged with burglary after his dentures were found at the scene of a crime. The teeth were found by a relative of the burglary victim, a day after the break-in – and it appears they fell out of Lee’s mouth as he committed the crime.

Lee, aged 39, was traced because an Indiana law requires false teeth to carry the owner’s name underneath the artificial gum. He was later allowed to keep the teeth after signing for them, although he is currently in prison awaiting trial.’

Posted: 17th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Body Of Christ

‘DUTCH priest Father Stefan van Dierendonck has left the Church because he is allergic to the wafers used in Holy Communion.

The 30-year-old, from Nijmegen, felt sick every time he took communion – when he was first ordained a priest and celebrated three masses a day, it made him so ill he had to spend the rest of the day in bed.

Tests later revealed he was allergic to gluten, but the Catholic Church does not allow gluten-free wafers to be used for communion.

In 1998, he got special permission to use low gluten wafers but it didn’t help.

‘It only got better when I went in a retreat in another abbey,” he said. “The diarrhoea stopped and I had no more complaints.”

He said the final straw was when the Vatican advised him to see a psychiatrist.

‘That did it,” he said. “I didn’t want to choose between faith and health.”

Posted: 16th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment