It’s A Steal

‘BELGIAN firm Crime Control is offering to test shops’ security systems by sending out professional thieves to break in and explain how they did it.

The Leuven-based company says its thieves are never caught, but return all of the stolen goods afterwards – and then give advice on how shops can improve security.

Crime Control spokesman Kris van Limbergen said: ‘Our thieves are so good, they never get caught. Our clients are always very shocked to see what we have stolen.

‘They always think their security measures are too strict to steal anything.”

Posted: 15th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

New Elvis Record

‘NORWEGIAN Elvis impersonator Kjell Henning Bjoernestad has regained his world record by singing Elvis songs for over 40 hours.

Known to his fans as Kjell Elvis, Bjoernestad sang 786 songs in 40 hours, 8 minutes and 1 second – the time marking Elvis’s birthday of January 8 – thus beating the previous best of 30 hours and 10 minutes set by another Norwegian, Stephen Ackles.

Bjoernestad was said to be ‘hoarse but audible’ at the end of the singing marathon.’

Posted: 14th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Tracy Stays Mum

‘AND so it came to pass that the slut lay down with the anoraked freak and lo! a baby was born unto them. Although similarities between the Virgin Mary and Tracy are few and far between, the miracle of Tracy’s baby has certainly touched Deirdre and Hayley.

‘And here’s one I conceived earlier’

“The doctors told her she may not be able to have babies after her kidney transplant,” Deirdre told Hayley. “It’s a miracle.” Unfortunately Tracy doesn’t see it that way and is regarding her impending child as nothing more than a cheque for 20 grand.

Hayley and Roy have become increasingly worried by Tracy’s behaviour – drinking pints and smoking in the Rovers and now getting a job as a minicab driver with Streetcars.

They decided to tell Ken and Deirdre about the baby in a vain attempt to get them to make her take her responsibilities seriously. “T-T-Tracy’s having a baby,” stammered Roy, “and I’m the father.”

Tracy taking responsibility for herself, however, is about as likely as Alpay Ozalan appearing on David Beckham’s Christmas card list.

“You’re a freak!” screamed Deirdre. “It’s Hayley that’s the freak!” retorted Tracy, who earned a slap round the face from her mother for her trouble.

After plenty of chicken-necked ranting from the pair of them, Tracy and Deirdre have called an uneasy truce. “She’s carrying our grandchild, after all,” Deirdre told Ken. The pair have yet to discover though that their “grandchild” is going to be sold for 20 grand the moment it’s born.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, Candice is causing her own fair share of trouble by dating her flatmate’s ex-boyfriend. Maria and Fizz came home to find Nick emerging from Candice’s bedroom looking very sheepish.

“The little cow,” muttered Maria. Which is a bit rich considering she not only slept with, but also got pregnant by, her former flatmate’s not even ex-boyfriend.

Peter Barlow has, sensibly, had enough of his women troubles and has left the Street. Lucy and Shelly are going for some long distance revenge, however, by clearing out the bookies of any profits every day.

“As his legal wife, I’m entitled,” Lucy told a worried Bev. “Don’t trust her, Shelly luv,” a worried Bev told her daughter. “She’s trouble.”

But the Street Psycho space that’s been vacant since the departure of the glorious Tricky Dicky looks like being filled not by Lucy but by Brenda Ferns, Bethany’s paternal grandmother.

Not only does Brenda love the Baby Jesus big time, she’s taken to dropping round to try and convince Sarah Louise to let her take Bethany out for long walks without her. Who knows yet what she’s up to? Perhaps she’s heard that Weatherfield is a Mecca for baby buying.’

Posted: 14th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Currying Favour

‘BUS company Travel West Midlands is hoping to boost passenger numbers with a balti-scented scratch and sniff timetable.

The Birmingham-based firm says 1,000 of the 30,000 leaflets (which also contain a guide to the city’s so-called Balti Triangle – the home of more than 50 Asian eateries) will feature the section.

Corporate affairs director Phil Bateman, explained: ‘We wanted to encourage people to go out for the evening by bus, enjoy a balti and a couple of beers, without worrying about driving home.

‘There’s nothing like the smell of a good curry to titillate taste buds, which is why we’ve created a special version of the leaflet.”

Posted: 13th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Stag Party

‘GERMAN politician Mathias Uhlig is campaigning for traffic lights to make bird sounds instead of the ticking noise used to alert blind people to when it is safe to cross a road.

Mr Uhlig, a member of the conservative CDU from Dusseldorf, thinks the bird sounds would be ‘idyllic’ compared to ‘that nerve-racking tack, tack, tack’.

But fellow politicians think it would be too expensive to change the signal – and potentially dangerous.

‘If a real bird sings nearby, a blind person risks walking straight into a car,’ Liberal politician Manfred Neuenhaus said.

And fellow Liberal Alexander Zeitz claimed high-pitched sounds were harder to pick up.

‘We’d be better off using the deep sound of a roaring stag,’ he said.’

Posted: 10th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Screen Test

‘MEXICO’S first lady Marta Sahagun got the shock of her life when she was giving a presentation to supporters of a children’s cancer charity and pictures of two naked men and one naked woman came up on a giant screen instead of the images intended.

Mrs Sahagun’s spokesman told the crowd it was all a mistake and that the computer they were using for the presentation was not theirs.

‘We are so sorry that this incident happened, but it was due to technical reasons beyond our control,’ he said.’

Posted: 9th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

On His Todd

‘AFTER 33 years of The Street, the ‘love that dare not speak its name’ has finally reached Weatherfield.

Ena Sharples would be turning in her grave

Some unkind critics have suggested in the past that the likes of Roy Cropper and Norris Cole were rather too fond of show tunes but that’s between them and Judy Garland. This week though, Todd Grimshaw and Nick Platt had the first on-screen kiss.

According to scriptwriters, Todd’s struggle with his sexuality has been building up for the past two years (well, he did turn down Candice, the Weatherfield training ground), but others see it simply as a ratings ploy.

Todd had been feeling increasingly claustrophobic in the flat above the bookies with Sarah and Bethany and their mounting debts. He turned to Nick as a shoulder to cry on but, unfortunately for everyone, it wasn’t only Nick’s shoulder that Todd was interested in.

Nick had come round to keep Todd company while Sarah was out and, after a Bacardi Breezer too many, Todd made his move. “Big mistake, pal. BIG mistake,” shouted Nick before rushing off into the night.

To be fair to Todd though, with his lip gloss, fake tan and hair gel, after a couple of drinks it would have been easy enough for Todd to have mistaken Nick for a girl.

Nick didn’t see it quite like that though and told Sarah that her boyfriend was “gay”. At first Sarah refused to believe it, but Todd tearfully confessed that he “hadn’t meant it” and was “confused”.

“I thought yer loved me, but yer can’t!” sobbed Sarah Louise before scooping up Bethany and running out of the flat, leaving Todd crying in the street, clutching a stuffed bear that she’d dropped.

It’s not clear how this storyline is going to pan out, but one thing’s certain though – if Les Battersby gets to hear of what Todd’s been up to, Todd will be following in Hayley’s footsteps with some unscheduled gender-realignment.

Elsewhere in Weatherfield, Karen and Steve’s divorce came though – just in time for their engagement party, held (where else?) in The Rovers. No-one turned up, however, as a protest of how the couple had pretended to everyone that they were splitting up.

“We’ll show them,” fumed Karen to a long-suffering Steve. “We’ll put on the biggest wedding this street’s ever seen.” Which given Karen’s taste will involve borrowing a set from Footballers’ Wives.

Katy and Martin are still living in sin, not surprisingly ignored by their horrified families. But hot new contenders for Weatherfield’s vilest coupling are Bev and Kieran.

Kieran and Sunita had a falling out when he had to stand her up to do an extra shift at The Rovers. At closing time Kieran was helping Bev clear up when he decided to make his move.

After telling Bev that he and Sunita had split up, he turned on the ‘charm’. “Yer still a beautiful woman Bev,” he smarmed, “And I want yer!” he continued, before falling onto her chicken neck.

When Sunita suggested he be more considerate to others, I don’t think this is the sort of Help The Aged charity work she quite had in mind.’

Posted: 9th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Ig Deal

‘AMONG the winners of this year’s Ig Awards, a spoof of the Nobel Prizes, was a team from University College London, who showed the brains of London taxi drivers were different from average people because they become enlarged in the zone associated with navigation.

A Japanese researcher was honoured for chemistry for his study of a bronze statue that failed to attract pigeons, while an Australian team won the physics award for their fascinating report, An Analysis Of The Forces Required To Drag Sheep Over Various Surfaces.

The Ig Peace Prize was awarded to Indian Lal Bihari for leading an active life even though he had been declared legally dead.

The organisers said he’d waged ‘a lively posthumous campaign’ against bureaucracy and greedy relatives. He was also the man behind the Association of Dead People.

The annual awards are handed out to people whose achievements ‘cannot or should not be reproduced’.’

Posted: 8th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Red Hot Dutch

‘WHEN a group of Dutch farmers’ wives turned up at their local cinema to watch Roman Polanski’s Oscar-winning film The Pianist, they expected to see a harrowing tale of life in the Warsaw ghetto under the Nazis.

What they didn’t expect to see was Michael Haneke’s La Pianiste, a film about a female piano teacher who is addicted to porn and fantasises about sadistic sex.

Unfortunately, Dirk Holemans, who runs Cinema Hollywood in Winschoten, had accidentally ordered the wrong film for the women’s monthly night out.

‘I noticed too late it was pure porno,” he said. “But in order not to spoil the ladies’ evening I went on with it.’

Hilly Klappe, chairwoman of the ladies’ group, said they had a very amusing evening.

‘We found it very interesting to see men can hold on for such a long time,’ she said.’

Posted: 7th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Brand Spanking New

‘AUSSIE brothels are said to be recruiting extra S&M specialists and stocking up on whips during the Rugby World Cup to cater for the needs of posh English fans.

Robbie Swan, a spokesman for The Eros Association, Australia’s adult entertainment industry said: ‘The upper classes in England, we know that they like spanking.’

He added that brothels were gearing up after being surprised by demand during previous big get-togethers and were trying to cater for fans from all countries.

Girls from a Sydney brothel called Stiletto greeted Argentina’s squad to the city with signs saying: ‘Care for a ruck?’

Meanwhile, the Boardroom brothel in Melbourne has decked itself out in the national colours of Italy and New Zealand, while The Daily Planet brothel is planning to lay on finger food.’

Posted: 6th, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Girlfriend In A Coma

‘KATY celebrated her 17th birthday last week by slipping into a sugar-induced diabetic coma. Well, better that than yet another ‘surprise’ party organised in The Rovers.

What does Steve see in Karen?

Tommy had taken to locking his “little girl” up in the house in the vain attempt to stop her from seeing Martin Platt. Tommy hadn’t taken the news about Martin and Katy terribly well. After punching Martin in the face, he’d then gone about smashing up her mobile phone and changing the locks on the house.

“You can’t lock her up like some sort of princess in a tower,” raged Angela at Tommy over their daughter’s hospital bed. “She’ll just want him more.” But Tommy isn’t capable of rational thought, “beer” and “chips” being the only two words he can hold in his head at any one time.

Angela went round to try and convince Martin to give up his teenaged lover, but instead he invited Katy to move in with him (once he’d cleared some of his old cardies out to make way for her school uniform).

Understandably, David and Sarah aren’t best pleased that their dad is dating someone in their school and have refused to speak to him. Gail is more understanding though. “After the mess I’ve made of my life, I can hardly talk,” she told him sadly.

Sarah has other things to worry about, however, as she now has another mad menopausal woman (other than her mother), to deal with. Bethany’s biological father, Neil Fearns, died in a car crash last week and his mother has now befriended Sarah Louise, who went to his funeral.

“I see Neil in little Bethany’s eyes,” his mother ranted, “she’s like a gift from the Lord Jesus.” More like a living reminder of why condoms are really quite a good idea.

Karen and Steve’s divorce has come through, which means (in Karen logic) that they can get married again. “I want everyone to know I married yer cos I love ya, not for some stupid bet,” she wailed. Karen should take note of Peter Barlow and what a mess marriage has got him into.

Shelly and Lucy are out for his blood after discovering that the “forsaking all others” bit in his vows should have come with a codicil, “apart from the ones I’m already married to.”

The two avenging angels are determined to make his life an utter misery. They’ve already fly posted the bookies with “Peter Barlow is a cheat” and put an ad in the paper saying he’s not fit to run a business.

Peter has left Weatherfield to stay with a mate. Lucy and Shelly were less than pleased on hearing the news. “He’s probably chatting up some other poor woman as we speak,” spat Lucy.

As Peter’s legal wife, Lucy is planning on taking over the bookies. Peter is set to leave Weatherfield for good soon – wonder what odds she’d give on him being in panto by Christmas?’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Loser In Love

‘KENYAN Alfonse Mumbo, a 38-year-old former barber from Kajulu Wath Orego, near Kisumu, wanted to give his wife ‘a free hand to go after other men” – so he took up a blade and severed his own testicles and penis.

‘It was around 8 o’clock in the morning when I started feeling dizzy. My wife had left for the farm. I don’t know what came over me,” says Mumbo.

‘All I remember is walking around the compound anxiously and answering many calls of nature. I found myself disgusted with the penis and decided to cut it off.

‘I went into the kitchen, took a knife, undressed and just chopped it off. The knife was too sharp and before I realised what I had done, it was too late.’

Mumbo’s wife Penina returned home to find her husband in a pool of blood.

‘When I am walking around the village or going on safari, those who recognise me talk about me in low tones,’ says Mr Mumbo.’

Posted: 3rd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Grassed Up

‘DESPERATE times call for desperate measures, and so it was that an Austrian man decided to hold up a bank and thereby pay off his debts.

So the criminal disguised himself as a woman and walked into the Attnang-Puchheim branch of Bawag Bank.

Threatening staff with a gun, he fled with about £7,000 in cash.

But his luck took a turn for the worse when he was spotted by a pensioner and a local man – who happened to be driving past on his lawnmower.

They pair gave chase, and soon caught up with the skirted felon, who was arrested.’

Posted: 2nd, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Fatted Calf

”THE chance to wear lederhosen is the right of every German man, and in Scotland the right to wear the kilt is the right of every Scot.’

It’s a noble ideal, as stated by Herbert Lipah, a German lederhosen trader who sells calf implants to make his customers’ legs look more manly.

The implants, which are worn inside socks, and come in a range of sizes, are proving to be popular with Scotsmen.

Apparently kilt wearers and lederhosen wearers both worry about how their legs will look in the traditional gear, and padding allows a whole new bunch of people to embrace the clothing of their ancestors without embarrassing remarks like ‘squirrel legs’ and ‘stick insect’.

‘It’s impossible to tell the difference,’ says Herbert. ‘It looks just like a well developed, muscular leg should do and is totally seamless.”

Posted: 1st, October 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Living In A Pig Sty

‘THE local authority in Kiev has passed a ruling that bans the city’s residents from keeping farm animals in council flats.

A survey found residents were keeping more than 3,000 pigs, 500 cows, 1,000 goats, chickens and rabbits on balconies, in front rooms, bedrooms and bathrooms.

City authorities argue that flats and are not designed for the weight of heavy animals like cows.

And that their urine was destroying the buildings.’

Posted: 30th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sex Mad

‘SINCE James Perry had been arrested on four occasions for drunken driving, it was not without grounds that he believed it’d be difficult for him to get a driving licence in Connecticut. So he stole an identity, posing as Robert Kowalski, his neighbour from his days in Florida.

The licence was duly granted, and Perry was doing just great for around a year – until he was arrested for disorderly conduct. And since Robert Kowalsji – the name it said on Perry’s licence – was a convicted sex offender and not, as law required, listed on the Connecticut register, he was arrested.

Fingerprints saved Perry, although charges of criminal impersonation, identity theft and forgery are on the rap sheet.’

Posted: 29th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Drunken Fuel!

‘WE’VE all woken up in the morning wondering why we had that last drink, but probably with not as much cause as an unidentified Ethiopian man who was taken to hospital after drinking petrol.

Staff at the petrol station in Halle, Germany, called the police after they spotted the 30-year-old man drinking from one of the pumps. Police spokeswoman Ulrike Diener said: ‘He opted for unleaded and drank 0.14 litres.

Officers at the scene noticed he was drunk, so they called an ambulance to take him to hospital. He paid for the petrol, so he isn’t facing any charges.”

The man was kept in hospital overnight for observation, but was discharged the next morning, suffering from one hell of a hangover.’

Posted: 26th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

What’s That, Skip?

‘EAT your heart out, Skippy. A farmer who was lying unconscious in a field after being hit by a falling branch has a partially blind kangaroo to thank for saving his life after it managed to raise the alarm.

Lulu, which was adopted by the Richards family of Gippsland, south east Australia, 10 years ago because it was blind in one eye, stood over farmer Len’s body and barked like a dog to alert relatives.

Daughter Celeste, 17, said: ‘She was obviously trying to get our attention because she never acts like that.

‘It went on for about 15 minutes, so we went outside to investigate and we saw Lulu standing upright with her chest puffed out over Dad’s body. If it wasn’t for her, my Dad could have died – Lulu is my hero.’

The RSPCA urged the family to nominate Lulu for its National Bravery Award. ‘From my point of view it’s a darn good story and I would hope that Lulu is nominated,’ said RSPCA president Dr Hugh Wirth.’

Posted: 25th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Red Card

‘WHEN amateur soccer referee Wayne Millin booked one of the teams’ managers for swearing on the touchline, he couldn’t have guessed that it would cost him his job.

But the manager in question was Robert Smith, his boss at Gloucestershire printing firm Just Labels, who last week agreed to pay £6,000 compensation for unfair dismissal.

Millin, 35, claimed he had been given the cold shoulder by workmates after refereeing the match between King’s Stanley and Ebley and had even been sprayed with cleaning fluid by one player he had booked.

‘I should never have been sacked,” he said. “I was just doing my job as a ref. It was only over a throw-in.”

Posted: 24th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

She-avens Above!

‘MORE than 50 translators are hard at work in Germany, their job to translate the Bible in politically correct language.

It is part of a project by the German Evangelical Church to rewrite the Holy Book in ‘unbiased and just’ language, including amending passages in the Holy Book that are seen to discriminate against women.

For instance, the term “disciple” is to be changed to ‘disciples and disciplesses’ and forms of address such as Lord or Our Father are to be omitted.

The new translation will be published next year, the 2004th year of Our Lady.’

Posted: 23rd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

What’s His Angle?

”I’M taking a risk, but I don’t mind,’ says Angle-Grinder man, Britain’s newest superhero. ‘It’s a public service. And I like wearing the costume.’ And what a costume it is – blue bodysuit, cape, gold pants and a mask.

Is that you, Prezza?

The outfit belongs to unknown man, who wanders the Lodnon and Kent areas on the lookout for wheel clamps. When he sees a car wearing a Denver Boot, Angle-Grinder man swings into action, cutting the cars free with his angle grinder. He asks for no payment.’

Posted: 22nd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

For Pete’s Sake

‘PETER Barlow is discovering that having two women at once is the stuff of nightmares rather than of fantasies.

It’s got Roy’s cardigan

The trouble started when Lucy (number one wife) came looking for Peter, determined to give their marriage another chance. She bumped into Jack Duckworth in the street and asked if he knew where Peter Barlow lived. “Over there, in The Rovers with his wife,” Jack replied.

Lucy stormed into the pub and pulled out a wedding photo. “Seems like we’re married to the same bloke, luv,” Lucy snarled at Shelly. Being very much like a faithful Labrador (in looks and mental ability) Shelly refused to believe it at first.

“Yer lyin’,” she screamed at Lucy, “not my Peter.” When confronted with baby Simon and her wedding certificate, even Shelly had to admit that ‘her Peter’ was living the Mormon dream in the heart of Weatherfield.

Lucy and Shelly have decided to pair up and prove the old adage that hell hath no fury. They’ve reported their Peter to the police and are now intent on driving him out of business by picketing the bookies. Indeed, the sight of those two harpies would be enough to send any bloke running for the hills.

Peter has holed up in Ken and Deirdre’s house while they’re away visiting Blanche. Ken and Deirdre will be delighted to discover that not only do they have a bigamist son but also a dating-rapist daughter now living under their roof. Tracy has returned from her Caribbean holiday (courtesy of Roy and Hayley), still pregnant and still as much of a witch as ever.

She reluctantly agreed to let Roy accompany her to her first scan and even sold him a copy of the scan for fifty quid. Roy’s sought legal advice about protecting ‘his’ baby only to be told that a father-to-be has even less rights than a Camp X Ray inmate.

He’s been informed that the only way he can ensure his position is to marry Tracy. But after Peter’s experience, is it any wonder Roy’s less than keen on having two wives?

Another minx who needs a good slap is Maz. She’s driven off to the sunset (and hopefully to some acting lessons), leaving Jack Duckworth on charges of growing cannabis on his allotment.

“He’ll only get a fine,” reassured Maz to a shocked Tyrone. Indeed, as anyone who watched ‘Eastenders’ recently can testify, that’s exactly what Derek got in exactly the same storyline.’

Posted: 22nd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bouncing Czechs

‘WHEN Jitka Bouchalova asked her then boyfriend Tomas Kaspar’s for sperm he was all too willing to oblige. She had told him that doctors at a local clinic needed a sample of his sperm to determine what contraception was best for her.

She then used it to get pregnant, and gave birth to twins. She then called up her now estranged lover and demanded child-support from him. He refused so she took him to court. And she lost the case. Bouchalova was ordered to pay Kaspar £1,070 while the Gest fertility clinic was told to pay him £21,400 over the incident.’

Posted: 19th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Punching Drunks

‘Frustration can be relieved in many ways. And thanks to a 28-year-old Chinese man from Chengdu there is new one. The chap is offering himself up as a human punch-bag.

This unnamed entrepreneur charges 50 yuan (about £4) for a two-minute go. For the money, the man guarantees that he will not fight back.’

Posted: 18th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Great Balls Of Fire

‘NOT all men are uncontrollable sexual beats. Not all. Some, like Svetin Gulisija, a 26-year-old from Seget in Croatia, get tired from time to time. But his wife knows her rights and came, as usual, to demand satisfaction from her husband.

But Svetin wasn’t in the mood so in an effort to distract attention from himself he started a fire in the woods behind his home. The fire spread, and emergency firefighters were called. As were the police. The case wound up in court and Svetin is now serving a custodial sentence of two years. Which should delight him no end…’

Posted: 17th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment