Space Nazis

‘BE afraid. Where once forces unknown to us made simple crop circles, things have taken a turn to the right, and for the worse. Alien Nazis are among us. A huge 65-feet wide swastika-shaped crop circle has been found in a field near Berlin, Germany.

The symbol, not as fashionable as it once was in that country, was spotted by a police helicopter pilot as he approached the Berlin-Schoenefeld airport. The drawing or promoting of swastikas or other Nazi symbols is illegal in Germany. But did anyone think to tell the aliens?’

Posted: 16th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Gathering Nuts

”THE streets were dirty. There was hair and spit and bird poo. There were unmentionable things.’ The words of Mark McGowan, who has just completed his journey to the doors of Number 10 Downing Street – pushing a monkey nut with his nose.

‘Carole Caplin told me to do it’

McGowan departed from outside Goldsmiths College in south-east London on September 1, and has covered around three-quarters of a mile per day, working in eight-hour bursts, rolling the nut with his hooter.

Sporting a plaster on the end of his nose, McGowan handed in the nut at the doors of Number 10, and received a mug of tea from within. McGowen hoped to raise awareness about student debt.’

Posted: 15th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Doesn’t Wash

‘A 15-YEAR-OLD Norwegian boy from Baerum near Oslo claims that he became stuck in his washing machine when he went in after his keys.

This story is made less plausible when we learn that the lad from Stein Guriby is 5ft 10inches tall.

Firefighters were called, freeing the lad by lubricating him with washing up liquid. After more than one hour inside he was out.

Reports say the teenager emerged uninjured – and clean.’

Posted: 12th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Eileen Goes Down

‘LIFE hasn’t been very fair to poor Eileen. Not only does she have the worst perm in the history of the world and two idiot sons, but she’s now ended up in prison for a crime she did not commit. But unlike the A-Team, it’s unlikely she’s going to be able to make her fortune by going on the run and solving crimes.

‘More cake, Eileen…’

Eileen’s ex, Tony, decided to fit her up by stealing £700 from Streetcars before leaving Weatherfield. Dev, being the sort of enlightened employer so loved by Maggie Thatcher, refused to listen to her pleas of innocence and promptly got her arrested.

Todd and Jason suspected Tony, so went to track him down at his new address. “Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t take the money!” Jason screamed at his shiftless dad. Tony finally admitted that he’d done it to get back at Eileen for throwing him out. “I’m not all bad, son,” Tony wheedled not very convincingly.

Dev was forced to agree to drop the charges against Eileen when Jason presented him with the money and the name of the actual culprit.

Another errant father about to get his comeuppance is Peter ‘two time’ Barlow. His charmed double life is about to come to an end shortly when Lucy turns up at The Rovers and discovers her husband actually has a number two wife. Wonder what odds he’d give himself on coming out of this with both testicles?

Someone else about to undergo a not-so voluntary vasectomy is Martin. Martin decides it would be a jolly idea to tell Tommy he’s been dating his 16-year-old daughter. After which he’ll certainly be needing his nursing skills.

Jack and Vera got stoned this week when they went to visit Maz on the allotment and she offered them some of her ‘special’ cake. “I feel like doing even less than I normally do,” Jack told her before he and Vera broke into song. Vera is set to cause a sensation when she inadvertently makes another hash cake for Emily Bishop’s tea party. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “high tea”.’

Posted: 12th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Lazy Birds

‘BIRDS have notoriously small brains. In their defence, they can only know what they have been taught – and a flock of Northern Bald Ibis had no idea where south was.

Having been born and reared at the Konrad Lorenz research centre in Gruenau in Austria, the birds had no idea how to migrate.

So the researchers called them a car and drove them to their winter quarters in the Maremma region in northern Italy.

Dr Kurt Kotrschal, from the Zoology Department at Vienna University, said: ‘The birds are used to the all-inclusive treatment at the research centre. So we had to pack the lazy birds into the car and drive them.”

Posted: 11th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Wrong Joint

‘MARIJUANA allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory. Marijuana allegedly plays havoc with your short-term memory.

This is, of course, only relevant if you have actually inhaled it in some way.

For two teenage girls from Minnesota, USA, the drug wasn’t needed. Having already phoned a sheriff’s office looking to buy some weed, and been denied, the pair then called back soon after.

This time they even gave their names. In the course of this second call, a cop called himself ‘Dupe’ on the phone and arranged for a meeting at a shop an hour later.

‘Apparently, they didn’t know the meaning of ‘Dupe’ as in ‘duped’ either,’ said Sheriff Terese Amazi. ‘It’s incredible.’

The girls were arrested at the scene.

‘Not only did they do something wrong,’ the sheriff said, ‘but they should have been in school.’

Like, learning stuff.’

Posted: 10th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

My Little Pony

‘PALLE Brinch loves ponies. He also loves his nine-year-old daughter.

So Brinch, a Dane, conspired to unite his two passions and invited a Shetland pony to come and live with him and his kin. Trouble is that he lived in a flat.

Neighbours alerted authorities about a ‘rumbling ceiling and a manure-like stench’.

Brinch and his daughter showered the Shetland pony in the bathroom and made a bed for it in the kitchen.

The horse has been removed and now lives with Brinch’s brother-in-law in the countryside.’

Posted: 9th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Curly Up And Die

‘CURLY left Weatherfield this week after 20 years of playing the amiable loser in love, shoved out by producers to the wilds of Newcastle. He left clutching his telescope, and his P45.

Bins and gone

“Make sure you visit!” shouted Emily. Foolish woman. Doesn’t she know that Weatherfield is like the set of ‘The Prisoner’? When your number’s called, your time is up.

Tracy seems to be the exception to the rule though, merrily flitting between London, Weatherfield and now the Bahamas. But then we’ve all suspected that she’s been in league with the Devil for some time.

Her latest Machiavellian plot involves selling her unborn child to Roy and Hayley for twenty grand then going on holiday with the proceeds. “We’re going to bring the baby up in a proper family environment,” man-woman Hayley told a bemused Tracy.

Someone else with childcare issues to sort out is Gail. Bethany ended up in hospital after getting accidentally electrocuted by Tony’s dodgy wiring job in Todd’s flat. Gail reacted with predictable calmness, emitting the sort of high-pitched screeching rarely heard outside bat sanctuaries.

“She’s an unfit mother,” she railed at Martin. And this coming from a woman who married a mass murderer. Gail called Weatherfield Social Services (an organization she’s probably very familiar with after her husband kidnapped and traumatised her own children not so long ago) to complain about Sarah. Unfortunately for Gail, the social worker could find nothing wrong with Sarah or Todd’s parenting skills – shame the same can’t be said for her.

Sarah worked out that it was her own mother who’d shopped her in and went round to confront her. “You just can’t stand the idea of me having my own life, of having someone who loves me” – “and who doesn’t want to kill me,” she should have added.

And just when you though things couldn’t get any worse in the Platt household, Nick ‘The Plank’ Tilsley returns to The Street to enter ‘Britain’s worst actor competition’ alongside Keith Duffy aka Ceiran. According to the press, Nick’s set to have quite an impact on someone else in The Street when Todd tries to kiss him.

I sincerely hope producers will re-think this horrendous storyline. But perhaps the signs were always there after all: Todd was set to go to university and has been spotted reading books on several occasions. And having Gail as a potential mother-in-law might be all the incentive he needed to go the gay way.’

Posted: 8th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Dil-do As You’d Be Dil-done By

‘IRIS P, 30, a housewife from Merseburg in Sachsen-Anhalt, Germany, is disgusted. She was made this way – disgusted – when she was given a present by her 52-year-old neighbour Winfried B -a large purple dildo.

‘I was disgusted,” says Iris. “Before that I only knew Winfried as a nice, helpful neighbour but then he wanted more. He said he dreamed about having wild sex with me.’

So Iris has taken Winfried to court for alleged sexual harassment.

In his defence, he claims that he only wanted to be nice to Iris. ‘I gave her the present because she is always on her own,’ says the good man and true.

The vibrating phallus – with seven speed levels and an orgasm guarantee! – is being held gingerly by police as evidence.’

Posted: 8th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Plane Crazy

‘PASSENGERS on an internal flight in Brazil are planning to sue the airline after the pilot deliberately tried to scare them on the flight from Rio de Janeiro to Vitoria.

Passenger Ari Vieira Augusto said: ‘When he announced we couldn’t land in Vitoria due to bad weather, he said he had some good news and some bad news.

‘The good news was that he had made a good take off and the bad was that no aeroplanes were being successful in landing at our destination, and he didn’t explain anything else.

‘He was crazy, irresponsible and a joker. He said we were 10,000 feet above ground, 46 celsius degrees below zero and that he wouldn’t advise anyone to get out of the aeroplane without a heavy coat.’

The Gol airlines flight was scheduled to take one hour but took more than five hours and ended up in Belo Horizonte after the pilot aborted a landing at Vitoria.’

Posted: 5th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Worm Cast

‘THE early bird may catch the worm, but only in Thailand if gets up before firefighter Paisit Chanta.

The 39-year-old has stuck to a regime of eating one live worm a day for the past three decades in the belief that it helps him to stay healthy.

The unusual habit started when he was fishing as a boy and Paisit says he now loves the taste (which is apparently just like sticky rice).

“One day, I was sitting there waiting for a fish to eat my bait for hours and was starving,” he said.

“Suddenly, I realised fish don’t die from eating worms so I shouldn’t either. I ate them until I was full.’

Work colleague Thepnakorn Kongwien, 28, says Paisit often digs for worms in the area near the fire station.

‘We’re used to that, but we still think it’s strange and disgusting,’ he said.’

Posted: 4th, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Heading South

‘FORGET Brazilians. The latest trend could be towards South Koreans.

We’re taking of course about pubic hair and the news that in South Korea the trend is not towards depilation but reforestation.

Pubic hair is apparently a sign of fertility to Koreans and women are paying as much as £1,700 to have hair transplanted from their heads to their crotches.

‘The structure of head and pubic hair on Asians is quite similar – the implanted hair isn’t long and rarely falls out,’ says surgeon Afschin Fatemi.

The operation is conducted under local anaesthetic and bandaging can be removed after just one day.’

Posted: 3rd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Going Bananas

‘WE are used to finding a whole assortment of things on the beach – sand, seaweed, shells, Dale Winton… But rarely bananas.

So, imagine the surprise of residents of Morskoy, a Russian town on the edge of the Baltic Sea when they awoke to find their beaches covered in the yellow fruit.

However, they immediately took advantage of their seafall, with adults collecting the bananas to take home and children playing with them, spelling out names of Russian cities in giant letters on the beach.

Labels on the bananas said the fruit had come from Ecuador and are believed to have been lost by a cargo ship in a recent storm.’

Posted: 2nd, September 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Capri Pants

‘THE Capri Hotel in Kansas City is not one of America’s foremost hotels but it does have a certain individuality. A unique style.

Local police sergeant Darin Snapp is one of its fans. Especially after the hotel’s cleaners failed to spot a body lying on one of the hotel’s beds.

The body of a man was dressed in fishnet tights and a nun’s wimple.

Said Sergeant Snapp: “The Capri has been closed down several times in the past for indecency and poor hygiene, but on the other hand it is a very competitively priced motel with many facilities, including a gym and a pool table.”’

Posted: 29th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Carrier Pigeon

‘YOU can get some great things in France: cheap wine, discount tobacco, rabies. But George and Irene Cowie were in for a surprise.

After a weekend away in France, the couple arrived back at their Warwickshire home. Two days later George saw something odd at the front of his car.

“I thought I saw a father sticking out of the grille, but when I bent down to pull it out I discovered it was a bird,” says George.

But the pigeon was stuck fast so George took his car to a garage and had the pigeon – now called Pierre removed.” George, Irene and Pierre are doing fine.’

Posted: 28th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Cold Calling

‘TOM Mabe, 36, from Kentucky, USA, is a hero. We should thank him.

Sick of being woken and disturbed by cold calling marketers offering him all manner of useless products Mabe plotted revenge.

He travelled to a telephone marketing conference in Washington DC and waited until it ended. He waited until the delegates were in bed. He waited until they were asleep. And then he called each room.

“I’m calling on behalf of the Telemarketers With Insomnia Foundation,” he said. An Anorak medal is on is way.’

Posted: 27th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Coming A Cropper

‘TRACY the terrible returned to the Street this week, still appalling, still pregnant. “I’ve given Roy the one thing you never could,” spat Tracy at Hayley. What’s that? A sexually transmitted disease?

Hayley remembers The Duffle Coat Motto: Better red than dead

Hayley’s hormone medication has clearly sent her a bit mental as she then accused Roy of deliberately planning to seduce Tracy in order to become a father and decided to leave him, heading back to Amsterdam.

“It’s the only place I feel I’ve ever been really accepted,” she said. So clearly red duffle coats are the height of fashion in the Low Countries.

Roy was left a broken man. After cleaning Roy’s Rolls from top to bottom, he put on his pyjamas and washed down a handful of pills with a glass of milk. But just in time, Hayley decided not to get on the Weatherfield to Amsterdam bus and instead managed to save Roy’s life, making him throw up by force-feeding him salt water and his own weight in Betty’s hotpots.

“We’re not going to let that hussy beat us!” promised Hayley. “And what’s more, we’re going to fight for yer bay-bee, Roy.” The last time Roy and Hayley tried to become parents they ended up on the run in a caravan park with a ginger child, so the omens aren’t great.

Les has been released from her Majesty’s pleasure (apparently even she couldn’t stand him) and is determined to get revenge on Mick and Emma. He went round to Mick’s house, brandishing a crowbar but Mick is a trained policeman so had no trouble in disarming him and then beating the living daylights out of him on the grounds of ‘self defence’.

Janice was there to witness her boyfriend attacking her husband and isn’t best pleased – she wanted to save it for their ‘Jerry Springer’ appearance.

Another pair set for the set of Jerry Springer are Martin and Katy – “My boyfriend is twice my age and is addicted to cardigans.”

The Liza Minelli and David Gest of Weatherfield decide to come clean about their grubby relationship and rather predictably her parents ban the couple from seeing each other. Katy decides she can’t live without the wet nurse and tries a rather novel way to kill herself: with Milk Tray.

And all because the lady loves…..’

Posted: 27th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sex Deductible

‘THE Dutch are renowned the world over for their liberal attitudes to the baser needs of man. But they are a pragmatic, essentially conservative bunch.

So when a disabled Dutchman clamed he used less medicine after visits to prostitutes he was, after a lengthy court battle, awarded £100 a month for hookers.

But he can’t find a girl to give him a receipt. It seems prostitutes are worried about declaring tax deducible income.’

Posted: 26th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Leg Work

‘IT’S not quite the search for the Loch Ness Monster, the lost continent of Atlantis or the wreck of the Titanic, but divers at Universal Studios theme park in Florida have a quest of their own – a false leg.

The prosthetic limb flew off Hawley Webb as he rode one of the 55mph Dueling Dragons rollercoaster rides in the Lost Continent section of the Islands of Adventure park, Orlando.

He immediately alerted staff, who decided that the leg must have fallen into a pond below the ride. Bur despite a team of divers being sent in to look for it, the leg has not yet been recovered. Universal Studios says it will replace the leg if divers can’t find it.’

Posted: 22nd, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

What A Bore!

‘RESCUERS had to break into a bank to free a toddler who got locked inside the vault of the Washington Mutual Bank in Redwood, California, and would have been stuck there until morning.

No-one realised that Daniella Sanchez, aged two, was inside the vault until after they closed the heavy steel and concrete door 6.30pm that evening.

Because of a time lock, the doors could not be opened again until 6am – so firefighters were called.

Fire Chief Paul Wilson said they drilled a two-inch hole and pushed through a surveillance camera and drinking water, along with a microphone to let the girl’s mother talk to her daughter.

A private concrete boring firm was then brought in and they drilled a hole big enough for the child to crawl out through.’

Posted: 21st, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Pork On Your Fork

‘SOME people will do anything to get on TV and programmes like Fear Factor are designed to show just how far people will go.

For instance, in the second series of the US reality TV show contestants are forced to eat a pig’s rectum for the chance to win the £20,000 prize.

Presenter Ed Sanders said: ‘We had one guy who was loud and gave it large. When we showed him the rectum it had a piece of intestine with it. He took one bite and freaked. It took 10 minutes to get him back on set.

‘All the things they have to eat are safely prepared. Our cooks make sure the offal is safe to eat. But we don’t like to make things easy.

‘We have people who thank us later for helping them to overcome their fears. That makes me happy.”

Posted: 20th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Man Bites Dog

‘A KENYAN farmer charged over a dog bite injury has refused to have his fingerprints taken – telling police they should take the animal’s paw prints instead.

Tea farmer Karuga Koinange, from Kiambu, insisted his German Shepherd be charged instead of him for biting a farm worker.

Koinange argued he was not the dog’s keeper and accused the police of intimidating him while the real culprit, the dog, walked free.

However, he was forced to have his fingerprints taken at a local court where he was charged with causing injury to the worker by failing to lock up his dog.’

Posted: 19th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Call Bra-ed

‘A TAIWANESE woman was caught trying to steal a mobile phone when her bosom started ringing and vibrating in the middle of a store in Taipei.

A security video showed that the 52-year-old woman had picked up a phone that the shopkeeper had left on a counter and hidden it in her bra. But when the shopkeeper’s husband called the phone, she panicked and tried to make a run for it.

”She attempted to cover the strange scene with her handbag and dash out of the shop, only to be blocked by the shopkeeper, who was looking everywhere for her lost cellphone,” a police spokesman said. ‘

Posted: 18th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bull And Bush

‘The story begins when Michael Castiglione decided to burgle a house, allegedly. He had spotted what he believed to be the perfect target, which happened to be the home of the mother of one Charles Lee in Des Moines, Iowa.

Castiglione broke in – and found Charles inside. He was trapped, and to escape her tried to bribe his captor. So he whipped out a fake $100 bill – one with a picture of President Bush on.

”The guy was trying to bribe me with fake money,” said Lee. Police were called and Castiglione was arrested. Amazingly, George Bush is president of the USA…’

Posted: 15th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Roy Reveals All

‘HAYLEY clip-clopped back to Weatherfield, blissfully unaware of the storm awaiting her return. Roy, being the all-round decent bloke and sap that he is, insisted on telling Hayley everything of his night with Racy Tracy.

”You’ve got things she hasn’t, Hayley”

”I slept with another woman,” he mumbled into his apron. Another woman? What woman has he slept with before Tracy? Hayley took the news surprisingly calmly. ”I’m sure nothing actually happened,” she said – she knows her Roy well.

Tracy has left Weatherfield after being turned away from every door, penniless and pregnant. That’s as far as any comparison with the Virgin Mary goes though.

Apparently Tracy is set to return later this year, complete with unwanted baby that she sells to Hayley and Roy.

Let’s hope she gets more for it than the penny she got paid for sleeping with him in the first place.

Martin and Katie are another couple set to cause a scandal. Dad Tommy has already knocked out hapless Tyrone, mistakenly thinking he’s the one she’s been sleeping with. God only knows how he’s going to react when he finds out it’s actually his best mate!

To be fair to Martin though, Katie is the oldest looking 16-year-old since Gary Coleman in Different Strokes.

Les Battersby has been let out of prison (well, even Archer’s been freed) and returned to The Street, determined to get revenge on Emma and Mick.

”This is the biggest miscarriage in the history of the world,” he ranted at them. ”I wouldn’t be surprised if the Home Secretary ‘imself got involved.”

If you read your tabloids, you’ll know that Mick does indeed get his comeuppance soon when he attacks Les in front of Janice and Curly. Bizarrely though, instead of getting a medal, he gets arrested.

Peter and Shelly are back from honeymoon. Within minutes of their return, Shelly’s back in the Lycra behind the bar and Peter’s back visiting Number One Wife Lucy. It seems the honeymoon really is over for Shelly.

‘

Posted: 14th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment