Perfect Match

”’IT really was an unforgettable day,” said one wedding guest as he left the police station.

And he was right. A wedding between two Italian families exploded into life when a row began after a boy was teased. And then that turned into a fight.

Police were called out after the wedding in San Giorgio, northern Italy. Local media said it was a ”riot”.

The entire wedding party was arrested.’

Posted: 14th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Pipe Dream

‘HOW the Russians love their booze! They like it so much that one Russian decided he’d export his homebrew.

Apparently, he planned to export to neighbouring Latvia and constructed a one-kilometre-long underground pipeline from source to customer over the border.

But he was arrested when Latvian border police stumbled across the pipe and found it contained 200 litres of alcohol.

One half of the pipe was laid in Russia while the other stretched to a small village over the Latvian border.’

Posted: 13th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Spotted Dick

‘SOPHIE Matlala liked eating meat, but the 60-year-old South African woman understandably went off it after discovering a penis in her canteen dinner.

Sophia, a cleaner at Medforum Hospital, says how the incident forced her to seek psychiatric help.

Tucking into lunch one day, she says how she located a piece of meat so slippery that a knife was unable to cut it.

She took it in her hand and placed it in her mouth, but the meat was so tough she could not bite through it. She removed the chunk and, after a brief conversation with her colleagues, concluded that it was a penis.

However, because it had been cooked, it could not be established whether the penis was from a human or an animal.’

Posted: 12th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Warm Fronts

‘ROMANIAN agriculture minister and head of the Romanian Meteorological and Hydrological Institute Ilie Sarbu has had enough of weather girls who are hired on looks alone.

”I want girls with miniskirts and big cleavages out of TV weather shows,” says Sarbu. ”The Meteorological Institute has a £30 million investment to deliver exact forecasts.

”And yet one day I came to my office when it was pouring with rain and a girl with her breasts half-naked was saying on TV that we might have some light rain in the afternoon. There are some girls who keep showing up on the TV screens and say nothing but stupid things.”

Sounds very much like a job for Ulrika Jonsson…’

Posted: 11th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Never Too Young

‘THEY believe in starting them young Down Under – as the case of the Aussie dad who brought his eight-month-old baby son with him on an armed robbery proves.

The masked man held up a fast-food restaurant in Perth before escaping with his son in a stolen car and heading straight for the pub to spend his ill-gotten gains.

But, says the city’s senior constable Ralph Stevenson, staff at the pub became suspicious of the man, who appeared to be on drugs, and called the police.

Officers arrived to arrest the man and are now looking after the baby until his mother can be found. ‘

Posted: 7th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Driven Woman

‘SOME people refuse to get the message that they are not born to drive – people like Sue McIlwraith, who has finally got her licence at the 20th attempt…after splashing out £7,000 on more than 300 lessons since 1996.

And the 46-year-old supermarket worker from West Bromwich in the West Midlands is only too happy to admit that it is her own incompetence that is behind her many failures.

‘I’ve got to be honest – I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to driving and I just didn’t get it at all,’ she said.

‘I don’t do much for the cause of women drivers in general, but I am a determined person and, when I put my mind to something, I refuse to give up.’

A quality that other drivers in the West Midlands are unlikely to give thanks for.’

Posted: 6th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bad Dog

‘A FLASHER in Croatia was both sore and in trouble with the police after being bitten on the testicles by a dog while exposing himself to a woman.

The 36-year-old from Zagreb dropped his trousers after spotting the woman in her front garden and put his penis through a hole in the garden fence.

But the woman’s dog, called Medo, immediately pounced on the protruding member, causing injuries to the man’ testicles.

He was later arrested after admitting the cause of his injury to hospital staff. ‘

Posted: 5th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

The Sins Of The Father

‘THE old saying that the punishment should fit the crime certainly holds true for Miss Tracy Barlow.

Even Tracy looked aghast at the idea of a threesome with Bev

Having slept with Roy to win a penny bet, she’s now lost her home, her job, her family and friends – but far worse is to come.

For Tracy has just discovered that she’s carrying Roy Cropper’s child. Rumours that it will be born in an anorak cannot be confirmed before the first scan but, however it turns out, it’s not going to be pretty.

Tracy has taken refuge at Aunt Emily’s after being thrown out of everywhere else on the Street (being kicked out of bed is hardly a new occurrence for our Tracy though). ‘I’m ‘avin’ Roy’s baby,’ she revealed to a shocked Emily.

Tracy may be jumping the gun as, given her recent innings, there are several blokes who could have bowled her out: Steve, Wally and Dev are just the ones we know about.

Hayley is back this week and let’s all hope she’ll take the news like the man that she once was.

Katie is also suffering from relationship woes as dad Tommy is convinced she’s sleeping with Tyrone.

It may be understandable upon hearing that your beloved daughter is having relations with the Missing Link but smacking him in the face isn’t the best solution.

Anyway, poor Tyrone has only agreed to pretend to be Katie’s boyfriend to cover up that she’s actually sleeping with Martin. However, I doubt much sex is actually taking place as I’ll be amazed if she can keep him out of his cardigan long enough.

Martin, clearly having gone mad (owing to the current heatwave and his insistence on wearing said cardigan) wants to tell everyone about their relationship.

Even at 16, Katie had the good sense to look horrified: after witnessing several of their kissing scenes, there are some things too terrifying ever to be made public.

‘

Posted: 5th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Hot Stuff

‘THREE-TIME champion Leo Pusa has lost his title at the Sauna World Championship to fellow Finn Timo Kaukonen, who managed to endure temeperatures of 100 degrees C for 16 minutes, 15 seconds – seven seconds longer than Pusa.

Sauna Queen Anniki Peltonen also lost her crown, beaten by a 36-year-old music teacher from Minsk, who recorded a time of 13 minutes. ‘I’m pink but happy,’ Natalia Trifanova said after her victory. ‘I got a lot of satisfaction sitting in there today. It’s an extreme sport for me.’

About 3,000 people turned up in Heinola in southern Finland to watch competitors from 15 countries sweat it out for the coveted titles.’

Posted: 4th, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Trailer Trash

‘HARALD H from Berlin has been found living on a rubbish dump – a place he’s called home for 10 years. Harald H was aged 41 when he dug out a 3ft high cave in the grime and installed a mattress, shelves and a cupboard.

After sleeping all day, Harald would search the dump for food at night. The choicest cuts were warmed over candles. Harald was discovered only when he set off some fireworks. Harald is living with the social services, while his old place fills up with rubbish.’

Posted: 1st, August 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Sleepy Seconds

‘A WOMAN has asked to be divorced from her husband because he keeps calling out the name of his first wife in his sleep.

The woman, from Focsani, Romania, told the country’s National Newspaper: ‘It was like that woman, with whom he has a child, still obsesses him.

‘I asked my husband to go see a shrink but said I was the crazy one. So how could I live with a man who sleeps besides me but has sex with the ex-wife in his dreams?’

Answers to the usual address and we’ll see she gets them. ‘

Posted: 31st, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Ladies’ Night

‘THURSDAY nights in Torredonjimeno, a town in Andalusia, southern Spain, are reserved for ladies only.

The mayor has declared Thursday ladies’ night and says he will fine any man seen out of doors in the evening.

Mayor Javier Checa’s intention is to encourage men to stay at home and do the chores. From this October any man found wandering the streets on a Thursday evening will be liable to pay a fine of five euros ($5.67).

‘Who does the mayor think he is to fine me if I go to a bar? I’ll go to a bar on Thursday, and if they fine me I’ll pay it…but we’ll be seeing each other in court,’ resident Jose Damas told state television.

He then put on his marigolds and began to scrub…’

kittychesterz

Posted: 30th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Chicken Lickin’

‘HAVE you ever seen George Bush’s legs? Julia Rose, a singer and sometime fitness advocate, has.

Playing before an audience at a Borders Books & Music store ,Rose said: ‘George Bush has chicken legs. He needs to pump some iron.’

Fredericksburg, Virginia, is no place for such anti-patriotic statements and Rose has been banned from that branch of the bookshop chain.

‘I never said anything about Bush being a bad president or anything,’ said Rose. ‘I was just poking fun at his scrawny frame.’ ‘

kittychesterz

Posted: 29th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Catfish Eat Dog

‘KUNO is dead. The carcass of a huge five-foot-long catfish weighing 77 pounds has washed up on the shore of the Volksgarten park lake, close to the German city of Moenchengladbach.

Kuno sprang to fame in 2001 when he rose like a salmon to gobble a paddling Dachshund puppy – whole! Despite repeated efforts, Kuno evaded capture.

‘He was our Loch Ness monster,’ said Uwe Heil, member of Kuno’s Friends, a rock band named after the fish. The northern city of Bremen plans to stuff Kuno and put it in a museum. ‘

Posted: 28th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Die another day

‘IT looks like few of us will be able to afford to retire before we’re 70, but at least we’ll get the choice. Dayananda Dissanayake, a 61-year-old election official in Sri Lanka, has been told he cannot step down despite passing the country’s retirement age and despite having suffered five heart attacks.

Dissanayake, who has worked in the role for 33 years, says he needs rest after years of overseeing Sri Lanka’s often bloody elections, including the last general elections in December 2001 in which 61 people were killed.

But the Supreme Court ruled that it could not overturn a government decree preventing him leaving office and ordered him to carry on working until a replacement is found – or until he drops dead.’

Posted: 25th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Mother’s Milk

‘A NEW Zealand prostitute is offering customers an extra service at the brothel where she works – fresh breast milk.

The 25-year-old, who gave birth six weeks ago, said the idea was suggested by a client and claimed business was booming since she started advertising the service.

However, fears have been raised about the hygiene implications of what she is doing.

La Leche League director Rosemary Gordon warned that there could be a risk of infectious diseases, like herpes, hepatitis and tuberculosis, being spread through cross-infection between the baby, clients and the mother.

But the prostitute, who goes by the name of Brooke, insists she washes herself with hot salt water and showers before feeding her son, and does not believe there was a risk of cross-infection.

‘My kid comes first,’ she said.’

Posted: 24th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Ray Feels Peculiar

‘PETER Barlow has a larger capacity for self-deception than Jeffery Archer himself – and, like Archer, it’s only a matter of time before his incredible arrogance causes his downfall.

‘Eeny, meany, miny, mo…’

Peter and Shelly were due to get married this week – in spite of the small fact that Peter is actually already married to Lucy. Peter didn’t seem to think this was a problem though, although Shelly’s mum Bev did. How unreasonable!

On the eve of the wedding, Ciaran let slip to her that Peter had been seeing another woman. Bev told Shelly who then told Peter that she never wanted to see him again.

But in Soapland, ‘never’ usually constitutes about an episode and, true to form, weasel Peter managed to turn things round so that he actually blamed Shelly.

‘You’re throwing away your only chance at happiness,’ he told her. ‘How could you do it to us?’ Amazingly, Shelly agreed to marry Peter and happily trotted off down the aisle looking like a pig in a duvet.

And of course as luck – or the scriptwriters – would have it – who should be in the registry office next door at the very same time but Lucy: registering her (and Peter’s) son’s birth.

Producers had shot three different endings to the wedding and in the end went for the one that drags the storyline out the longest. Quelle surprise!

In the end, Shelly and Peter got married without a hitch, in spite of Tracy threatening to speak up at the ‘does anyone know any lawful impediment?’ bit.

Tracy had more mischief to make though, when she set out to win her one penny bet with Bev that she could seduce Roy. Hayley was away tending to a sick relative so Tracy offered to ‘look after’ Roy at the wedding.

Which is a bit like putting Ozzie Osborne in charge of a bat sanctuary.

When Tracy realised that Roy wasn’t going to crack, she drugged his drink with the date-rape drug she found at Shelly’s hen night. ‘I – I feel a bit peculiar,’ Roy stuttered while unloosening his tie and turning red. Tracy offered to take him home.

‘You’re a regular angel,’ taxi driver Mick told Tracy as she carried Roy into her house. The sort of ‘angel’ you find down Stringfellow’s Cabaret of Angels perhaps.

Mercifully we were spared any bedroom scenes and the next episode opened with poor Roy stuffing his pants into his pocket and running out. Tracy was sporting her best smirk face as she claimed her penny from Bev.

But when Ken found out, he demanded that the gurning monster tell Roy nothing happened or he’d throw her out. ‘He’s a broken man,’ shouted Ken. Not as much of a broken man as Hayley’s going to be when she finds out though.

‘

Posted: 23rd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Silence Is Golden

‘MANY couples have different ways of making their marriages work, but most tend to agree that communication is the key.

Except one Chinese man and wife, whose recipe for wedded bliss has involved not talking to each other for five years.

The middle-aged husband and wife from Leiqing, Zhejiang province, used to argue day and night until in 1998 they decided the only way to save their marriage was not to speak to each other or even acknowledge the other’s existence.

They continue to live under the same roof and sleep in the same bed – and the husband proudly boasts: ‘We haven’t had an argument in five years.’ ‘

Posted: 23rd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Jumbo Dictionary

‘TWO Swedish zoo keepers are off to Thailand to learn the language so they can issue commands to a pair of elephants given as a present to the King and Queen of Sweden on a visit to the country earlier this year.

Magnus Nilsson, boss of Sweden’s Kolmaarden safari park (which had to destroy all five of its elephants recently after they were infected with tuberculosis), said the alternative was teaching the elephants Swedish.

The pair will also attend a special training camp for elephant keepers in readiness for the jumbos’ arrival in October.’

Posted: 22nd, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

French Letters

‘LIKE Canute trying to stop the tide, the French government is desperately fighting the spread of English words in the language. Its latest step is to ban the word ‘e-mail’ in all its ministries, documents, publications and websites and replace it with ‘courriel’.

The Culture Ministry ruled: ‘Evocative, with a very French sound, the word courriel is broadly used in the press and competes advantageously with the borrowed mail in English.’

The trouble is that most of France hasn’t got a clue what it means. Marie-Christine Levet, president of French ISP Club Internet, said: ‘Protecting the language is normal, but e-mail’s so assimilated now that no one thinks of it as American. Courriel would just be a new word to launch.’

‘

Posted: 21st, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bare Cheek

‘WHO says the Germans have no sense of humour? Okay, hands down – all of you.

The fact is, as any Austrian will tell you, Germans are all about fun. And no group is more fun than local councillors in Krov, a town in the Mosel wine-producing region and home of the Krover Nacktarsch brew.

The new community centre was in need of a name so the local dignitaries chose Nacktarschalle – the Naked Arse Centre.

Elmar Trossen, the town’s mayor, says: ‘Can you imagine being invited to a wedding reception or holding a classical concert at the Naked Arse Centre?’

‘

Posted: 18th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Bloomin’ Marvellous

‘SEA View Terrace, Burry Port, Wales is bloomin’ lovely.

The council-maintained borders and flowers pots are full of large red flowers.

These blooms are a big hit with visitors who have been seen picking the flowers to take home.

But now Carmarthenshire County Council has ordered the plants to be removed after learning their true identity.

A local botanist identified the poppies as the papaver somniferum variety, a species big in the opium trade. ‘

Posted: 17th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Lessons In Love

‘ENGLISH teachers who want a job abroad are hereby directed towards an advert in a Romanian newspaper.

In looking for an English tutor for his child, a Romanian man has placed an advertisement in his local rag that reads: ‘Married man, looking for nice student who knows English for tutoring child. Home and sex included.’

It’s the kind of offer that further shows how far our domestic education system has slipped behind the rest of Europe.’

Posted: 16th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

A Real Ball-Breaker

‘WHEN most burglars break into a house they don’t believe their escapade will leave their testicles impaled on a broken window in the victim’s bathroom.

It’s what happened to a man in Crowthorne, Berkshire. When the man screamed he was dying, Joyce Edwards, the 80-year-old homeowner, replied: ‘Good.’

Woken by the sound of breaking glass, then screams, Joyce went to her bathroom and saw the man dangling on shards of glass in his groin. Rather than help him, Joyce ran out the house.

By the time police arrived to make an arrest, the assailant had lost four points of blood.’

Posted: 15th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment

Shelly’s Heroes

‘SHELLY had her hen night this week, in the newly discovered/ built Weatherfield Arms. ‘I just want a quiet night,’ she told Tracy before being whisked off onto the dance floor and force-fed double gins.

And the bride wore vomit

Someone else had other plans for Shelly that night in the shape of random extra, Bob.

Bob was on a dare with his mate to see how many women they could sleep with (let’s face it, you’d have to be on a dare to pull Shelly), and decided that a bride-to-be on her hen night was the best a man could get.

After she rejected his advances, he decided to play dirty and drug her drink. Tracy realised what was going on and managed to stop him – not before Bob landed a punch on Ciaran, who’d come in to try and find Sunita.

To be fair, though, punching Keith Duffy in the face can hardly be classed as a crime. Ciaran went to hospital to get a check up (‘no, still no sign of his brain’) and as luck – and soap coincidence – would have it, who should he bump into there but Lucy, about to give birth.

Ciaran phoned Peter who rushed to the Weatherfield General labour ward which, luckily for him, is about the only ward not run by Martin Platt.

Lucy refused to see him until he told her that he’d broken up with Shelly ‘months ago’. ‘I only hope me wedding day is less eventful than me hen night,’ said Shelly. I wouldn’t count on it, love.

Elsewhere on the Street, love is running more smoothly for Curly and Emma, who have kissed and made up, and for Steve and Karen.

Steve had tracked down the international master criminal to her aunt’s flat on a council estate. After a lot of close-up sobbing scenes, Karen agreed to go back to Weatherfield with Steve to resume her career of bitching and backstabbing.

She’ll need to fight hard to regain her Bitch Of The Street title though as Tracy Barlow is a hot young contender. After trying – and failing – to pull a pensioner (Wally), an Asian David Essex impersonator (Dev) and Steve, she’s now undertaken a bet with Bev to pull that well-known ladies man, Roy Cropper.

‘I’m more of a woman than you’ll ever be,’ she spat at poor Hayley. Well, that much at least is true.

‘

Posted: 14th, July 2003 | In: Strange But True | Comment