Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Liverpool balls: Karius ‘dumped’ and remade in Chelsea
Yet another “exclusive” in the Daily Star, which brings news of Liverpool goalkeeper Loris Karius. He’s been “dumped after girlfriend gets death threats over Champions League howlers“. Before we get to Ianthe Rose Cochrane-Stack, for it is she, a bit of background.
Karius played a pivotal role in Liverpool’s 3-1 defeat to Real Madrid in the Champions League final. The current theory is that he was suffering from concussion. In the Times, Matthew Sayed, who earlier said Karius erred because he’d been focusing too hard and missed a big Frenchman standing a foot from his shoulder, now says Real’s Sergio Ramos “had driven his elbow into the jaw of Loris Karius”, something backed up by “video evidence”. It isn’t. All we see is two players colliding. We don’t know if that collision led to any concussion – indeed, we don’t know for certain if concussion caused Karius to keep goal with less composure than a man shouting on the night bus or Joe Hart. The medics at the US hospital who checked Karius did so five days after the match at Liverpool’s behest. Michel D’Hooge, chief executive of Headway, the brain injury association, says he can “imagine” concussion was at the root of Karius’s hapless performance. But he can’t be certain. No-one can.
Nope
Nope
And so to the dumping. The full story is:
Ianthe Rose Cochrane-Stack revealed trolls had threatened to stab her after his bungles cost his team two goals in last month’s 3-1 defeat by Real Madrid.
The Made In Chelsea beauty was photographed with Karius just weeks ago.
But she has now moved to distance herself from the shamed stopper by posting on social media that she has been single for a year.
Can a woman dump a man she’s never dated? The Star says she can. L0ok out for more exclusives: ‘I dumped George Cooney, says mum-of-seven Maude’; ‘Prince Harry’s girlfriend upset by wedding’; ‘I’ve been secretly dating David Beckham since he was 16 – Piers revels all.’
As for Karius’ love life, The Independent tells us:
The sight of his mother staring into middle distance, looking away from the game while it was still going on as she held his sobbing girlfriend prompted Klopp’s wife Ulla to move a few rows and try to offer some reassurance. At the end of the game, while Karius lay on the floor the three women – all of them connected by the desperation of it all – stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms.
Such are the facts.
Posted: 6th, June 2018 | In: Back pages, Liverpool, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Samuel Umtiti and the Manchester United transfer delivered in code
News that France international centre-half Samuel Umtiti has agreed a new five-year contract with Barcelona should disappoint tabloid-reading Manchester United fans. Umtiti, who joined Lyon for €25m in 2016, will remain at the club until 2023.
But on March 4 2008, the Daily Star told readers: “Lionel Messi furious at Barcelona as Samuel Umtiti agrees deal with Man Utd.” The source for the Star’s total balls was Spanish website Diario Gol. Of it, the Star says in a story published on March 4 and headlined “Man Utd News: Messi ‘chooses’ Umtiti replacement”: “Diario Gol often make sensational transfer claims.” Many of them are repeated verbatim in the Star.
The Star:- repeating utter tosh
One month after Umtiti had “agreed” to join Man United in the Star, the Metro announced: “Samuel Umtiti sends clear message to Manchester United during Barcelona’s victory over Roma.” This “message” was delivered not by email, rather by a gaol for Barcelona. The story has nothing to do what Manchester United. These are its lowlights:
Samuel Umtiti sent an emphatic message to Manchester United during Barcelona’s comprehensive 4-1 victory over Roma in the first leg of their Champions League quarter-final…
Umtiti, who has been heavily linked with a £53million move to United in recent weeks, appeared to double Barca’s lead in the 55th minute. However, replays showed it was another own goal from Roma..
Kostas Manolas got the final contact on the ball but this didn’t stop Umtiti wheeling away to claim the goal by grabbing and pointing at Barcelona’s crest on his chest. Sorry, United…
“Sorry United?” Sorry, Metro readers, more like.
Over in the Sun, Umtiti was off:
Manchester United close in on Samuel Umtiti signing as Barcelona refuse to meet French international’s demands – March 26
SO LONG SAM – Barcelona already looking at replacement for Samuel Umtiti, with Manchester United closing in on French defender – March 29
Meanwhile…in the real world:
[BREAKING NEWS]
We are delighted to announce @samumtiti has renewed his contract at @FCBarcelona until 2023!
👍 #Umtiti2023 pic.twitter.com/ev2GKDqZOj— FC Barcelona 🏆🏆 (@FCBarcelona) June 3, 2018
Such are the facts.
Posted: 4th, June 2018 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Raheem Sterling: Sky Sports joins The Sun in monstering the Manchester City striker (again)
Raheem Sterling’s tattoo continues to make news in the Sun (prop. R. Murdoch) and on Sky Sports (prop R. Murdoch). Manchester City striker Sterling has told everyone why he’s got a tattoo of a gun on his leg:
NEVER
Ot as Sky Sports put it: “…I would never touch a gun again.”
‘AGAIN’?
PS: Sky regrets the error.
Last night we made a mistake in our reporting of Raheem Sterling’s statement on his tattoo. We apologise for this error and any distress it has caused Raheem and his family.
— Sky Sports News (@SkySportsNews) May 30, 2018
To recap: it’s a drawing of a gun. Raheem Sterling is very much anti-guns. Here are pictures of England footballers with real guns:
England players would never glorify guns. Never. pic.twitter.com/WcvGdQohnB
— Who Ate All The Pies (@waatpies) May 29, 2018
Previous hatchet jobs on Sterling: here, here and here. No need for guns for a character assassination.
Posted: 30th, May 2018 | In: Back pages, Manchester City, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Transfer balls: Alisson to Liverpool for £52m, to Manchester united for £88m and Karius to Italy
Loris Karius has been offered the chance to join Italian third-division side Rimini FC. The Italian club will provide a safe space for the Liverpool keeper. At Rimini the 24-year-old German will “rediscover calm and his self-belief”. Karius will “rediscover serenity, self-esteem and strength to follow his dream”. His departure will leave space for Alisson to arrive at Anfield. Maybe.
In other news, Roma will “demand” Liverpool pay 90m euros (£79m) for goalkeeper Alisson, says the BBC. And Roma will only listen to offers for the 25-year-old Brazilian after the World Cup. Well, so says the Guardian.
As ever, the media is guessing. In May, the Sun said Alisson would “snub” Liverpool and sign a new deal with Roma:
‘Snub’
On March 29, the Daily Star told us: “LIVERPOOL and Arsenal have been told to stump up £52m if they want to sign Roma keeper Alisson.”
And just this May the Sun told us how much Alisson would cost Man United and that Liverpool were no longer interested in the player: £88m.
Such are the facts.
Posted: 30th, May 2018 | In: Liverpool, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
We’ve found the journalism’s nadir at Sainsbury’s
Journalism is not dead – it’s just waiting for Sainsbury’s to “reveal” what times its stores open over the bank holiday:
Revealed: The opening times for Sainsbury’s over the bank holiday weekend https://t.co/icWNHFzjB4 pic.twitter.com/Uoqp6pg1LQ
— The Sun (@TheSun) May 26, 2018
The story from investigative reporter ‘Becky Pemberton’ informs readers:
A spokesperson confirmed to the Sun Online: “All of our stores will be open this Bank Holiday but subject to changed opening hours.” It is therefore essential to check up on the individual store times to make sure yours is open.
So essential is the news that amid all the guff about bonus Nectar points and Sainsbury’s being tops for barbecues, Becky advises readers: “Many supermarkets are not changing their hours for the May bank holiday, but it is best to check first. You can do this using the store finder on their website.”
Yeah, that’s right – the Sun has “revealed” the opening times by looking at the Sainsbury’s website. And now thanks to the paper and links, you too can do just that.
Posted: 29th, May 2018 | In: News, Tabloids, The Consumer | Comment
Raheem Sterling’s gun tattoo: Manchester City striker is the tabloids’ favourite target
It’s the lead news story on Sky News and the Sun: Manchester City and England footballer Raheem Sterling has a tattoo of an M16 assault rifle on his right leg. Sterling says the tattoo is a tribute to his father, who was shot dead. Sterling was two when his dad was killed. His tattoo has a “deeper meaning”.
The Sun says Sterling “shoots himself in the foot”. The front page features someone saying “that tattoo is sick”. On page 5, the tattoo is an “absolute disgrace”. It’s “totally unacceptable,” says Lucy Cope of ‘Mothers Against Guns’. Cope says the tattoo is “disgusting” She says: “We demand he has the tattoo lasered off or covered up with a different tattoo. If he refuses he should be dropped from the England team.” Get the right tattoo or else be labelled a pariah. Another voice says the tattoo is “disrespectful to young people who lost their lives.”
The Sun gives no space for Sterling to reply and stops shot of mentioned God, for as it says on Leviticus 19:28: ”You shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor tattoo any marks on you: I am the Lord.”
So why Raheem Sterling’s tattoo front-page news in the Sun?
And:
Story: Nothing to do with Raheem Sterling
The Sun guns for Sterling – commenting unfavourably on how he spends his money.
Is Sterling the only footballer with a gun tattoo? No. This is how the Sun reported on Liverpool’s Alberto Moreno and his tattoo (above):
Alberto Moreno’s new tattoo depicts a short-sighted monkey assassin.
At some point in our lives we’ve all considered getting a tattoo of a Beats-by-Dre-loving, short-sighted, pensive monkey assassin.
But most of us simply can’t find the time to get it done.
Alberto Moreno on the other hand, cleared his schedule and popped down the tattooists to get the *classic* design inked on his thigh. You can’t help but wonder what he’s listening to… The Monkees perhaps?
The Sun saw the funny side.
And what of Arsenal’s Alex Iwobi who celebrates his rare goals by strafing the crowd with an imaginary gun:
Here’s Alex:
Is it different for Raheem?
The Sun says the “FA Code of conduct demands England players be role models even hen not on international duty”. Mad if it does. This is sport. Sterling and the rest need be only role models for their children. The code was introduced in 2012.
The Full Code:
Player Code of Conduct
A) Standards of conduct required at all times
B) Club England values while on international duty
C) Procedures in event of alleged breach of Code——————————————————————————————-
Captaincy
The position of England captaincy is a privileged position which carries with it the additional expectations and responsibility (both on and off the field). The captain of each team is therefore under increased scrutiny and is expected to be a role model to the rest of the squad and is his or her compliance with the code. The captaincy may be removed from a player by the Club England Management Board in the event that his or her conduct does not meet the standards required for the role. The Head Coach retains the right to change the captaincy irrespective of any breach of the Code.
——————————————————————————————-
A. Standard of conduct required at all times:
Players representing England are ambassadors for their country and are role models for younger players. The highest standards of conduct and behaviour are therefore expected at all times, including when players are not on international duty.
Not role models for everyone of us.
It is an honour to play for England.
Avoid anything adverse that may have affect of the reputation of integrity of the England team.
Comment on Twitter/Facebook about opposition, management, individuals could result in disciplinary action by Board of inquiry and CE management board.
No use of drugs without doctor’s permission.
No violence, abuse or discrimination (all forms).
No disclosure of confidential information about any aspect of playing for England.
B. While on international duty; they must:
Respect opponents, officials and supporters;
When travelling to foreign countries, be respectful of their culture and traditions.
Always acknowledge the supporters at the end of the game and on the coach travelling to training and games.
Respect Uefa and Fifa officials at all times.
Respect drug-testing officers at post-match (they’re doing a job).
Respect hotel staff at all times.
Reputations and integrity, abide by FA, Uefa and Fifa rules, no drugs.
Reject and oppose violence, abuse and all forms of discrimination.
Not publish (on Twitter or Facebook) anything that may cause or embarrass a member of the FA, the England squad and management.
Professionalism:
Players should not react, however hard it is, to verbal provocation from the press or fans when in public places (photographers are allowed to follow players in public places, it is not against the law).
Follow directions of team management.
Follow individual team rules.
Wear official sportswear (except footwear).
No personal endorsements.
Not consume alcohol without the express permission of the manager.
Not use drugs or banned substances.
Not use room service.
Not bet on any football matches (this is against FA rules) (and immediately detail approaches with regard to inducements to give information for betting purposes).
Only use a sensible amount of time playing video or computer games.
Note that mobile phones in the meal-room, dressing-room and on the team bus is at the discretion of the Head Coach.
Not discuss team tactics or selection ahead of fixtures outside of the group.
Always be on time for team meetings.
Communication:
All media activity co-ordinated through press office.
All players should play a part in meeting media demands.
Go through mixed zones (guidance that no ear-phones etc worn).
No criticism on Twitter/Facebook.
No Twitter or Facebook comments on the day before the game or the day of the game unless authorised.
No media columns.
Be aware that texts, picture messages, and BBM messages, can become public.
Process:
Investigation carried out by CE.
All players must comply with investigation.
If breach found, then option of sanctions (oral/written warning, exclusion from selection for fixed or indefinite period).
Pending any outside investigation, (CPS etc) CE maintain right to suspend at their discretion.
If case not proven or dropped, players available for selection.
If non-custodial sentence, CE board decide on case-by-case basis.
Custodial – excluded until time to be determined by CE management board.
Serious allegations – captaincy may be removed at discretion of CEMB.
SANCTIONS
4.1: issuing an oral or written warning to the player.
4.2: determining that the player shall not be eligible for selection for a specific number of matches or specific period.
4.3: determining that the player shall not be eligible for an indefinite period.
Where an allegation of serious misconduct has been made, the Club England Management Board may suspend a player while the matter is investigated further and/or pending the outcome of any footballing regulations or criminal investigations.
Serious misconduct includes:
Theft, dishonesty, fraud, deliberate falsification of records.
Assault, battery, violence, deliberate damage to or misuse of FA property.
Breach of safety-security regulations.
Deliberate damage to FA property.
Being under the influence of alcohol or illegal drugs.
Any form of discrimination.
Deliberate misuse of confidential information.
Serious breach of FA rules/regs.
No conduct that significant, materially or adversely impacts on reputation or integrity of FA.
ANY decision of CEMB is final – There is no right of appeal.
CEMB have power to publish in the press.
Players are to advise either their national team coach, team administrator or a CE official when they are guilty or have been accused of any criminal offence.
What’s Sterling done wrong?
Posted: 29th, May 2018 | In: Manchester City, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Princess Diana’s ghost has Harry and Meghan’s lives all planned out
Right it is that we finally get to hear from Princess Diana. For some months we’ve been told by experts that Diana “would have” been delighted with Harry for marrying Meghan Markle. “Diana wold have loved Meghan,” says former Royal Butler Paul Burell in the Chester Chronicle. “Princess Diana would have loved Meghan Markle,” says Naomi Capbell on the BBC’s website. “Why Diana would have been so proud of her youngest son today,” says a Telegraph writer. Princess Diana “would have been in tears” at Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding, says Andrew Morton. “Princess Diana would have wept with pride,” says Arthur Edward, Sun photographer. And the pick of the bunch: “Princess Diana would have helped Meghan avoid scandal, says former aide.”
But now “Princess Diana has spoken from beyond the grave to reveal newlyweds Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will have at least two children.” No recording of the address, sadly. Testimony is provided by “The Psychic Twins” who have “revealed to Daily Star Online the ‘People’s Princess’ has told them her son and new daughter-in-law will have their first child in 2019.”
This is a “stunning revelation” channelled from Terry and Linda Jamison, “dubbed ‘Nostradamus in Stilettos'”. Can they be trusted? YES! As if Diana would pick a fool to broadcast her message. You want proof? Here goes:
They told us that Diana would attend the Windsor Castle wedding and appear as a butterfly, then during the ceremony a fly was captured on video hitting Meghan’s face.
If you mumble ‘butter’, ‘butterfly’ can sound a lot like ‘fly’. And, sure, whilst colourful butterflies are known to hang around with flowers and sip flower nectar, and flies are more associated with imbibing liquified turds and disease, one can easily be mistaken for the other – especially if you pull their wings off. Anyhow, Diana told the twins: “I feel there may be a pregnancy fairly soon, before the year 2020, and both of them will be wonderful parents. Meghan will be a wonderful mother… another child may follow in a few years. I see at least one girl for them.”
And: “Their children will be very close with Will and Kate’s children, and I see them doing many play dates and activities together.”
Previously:
It’s what Diana ‘would have’ wanted.
Posted: 27th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Manchester United balls: Paul Pogba’s hair goes it alone
When Denmark’s football coach Åge Hareide talked about facing France in the World Cup and mentioned one of their players, Manchester United’s Paul Pogba, the Press mangled his words. Hareide was speaking with Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten. The paper headlined the story: “Åge Hareide designates the Danish World Cup quarterfinals as a target.” The full story is behind a paywall. But the Mirror has read it, apparently, and tells its readers:
“Man United star Paul Pogba slammed by national team boss – ‘Damn it, he cares so much about his appearance’ – Denmark boss Age Hareide has stuck the boot into the French international midfielder
The story tells us:
Paul Pogba has been mocked by Denmark’s coach before they meet in the World Cup next month. And Age Hareide claimed Didier Deschamps’ team are not “anything special” with no outstanding players… Hareide, who will face the French in Moscow on June 26, claimed the Manchester United midfielder is not a leader – and is obsessed with flashy haircuts. “He played against Manchester City with his hair dyed blue and white, maybe he’ll have it red and white to play us,” said the 64-year-old.. “Damn it, he cares so much about his appearance…”
That what he said? Not quite.
What he said was – and this through Google Traanslate:
“One day he [Pogba] is good, another bad. He played against Manchester City with his hair dyed in blue and white, maybe he’s red and white when he meets us.
Does he just think of his hairstyles?”
In other news from the Premier League football season just gone:
“Paul Pogba reveals latest haircut” – August 23 2017
“Garth Crooks took aim at Paul Pogba’s haircut” – September 11 2017
“Paul Pogba has unveiled another crazy hairstyle as he eyes a return to action” – Sep 26, 2017
“BBC pundit Garth Crooks has a weird obsession with footballers haircuts” – Nov 20, 2017
“‘Hair is burning!'” Paul Pogba shows off new outrageous hairdo” – December 15 2017
“Paul Pogba shows off striking new haircut” – February 26 2018
“Manchester United supporters slam Paul Pogba after he takes to Instagram to post picture of his new hairstyle” – March 19 2018
“Paul Pogba’s latest haircut provokes priceless reaction from Chelsea striker Olivier Giroud” – March 28 2018
‘”It’s ridiculous” – Gary Neville slams Paul Pogba for dying his hair”‘ – April 7 2018
You can read all those stories in the Daily Mirror. Damn it – they care so much about his appearance!
Posted: 25th, May 2018 | In: Back pages, manchester united, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Chelsea owner Abramovich is not dead
CHELSEA FC owner Roman Abramovich is “BANNED FROM UK”. Well, so says the Daily Star. And it’s wrong. He’s just “faced delays in renewing his UK visa” the BBC “understands”. No that the Beeb knows much about the Russian billionaire who wasn’t at Wembley to see his investment win the FA Cup. This is its story in a nutshell:
Asked about the visa, Security Minister Ben Wallace said: “We do not routinely comment on individual cases.” Mr Abramovich’s office said it does not discuss personal matters with the media. Reports suggest his investor visa expired three weeks ago.
Apropos of nothing much, the BBC then adds: “He is believed to be close to current Russian President Vladimir Putin.”
Whatever anyone suggests and believes, the Star is happy to go out on a limb and scream on Page 7: “ROMAN TOLD: YOU’RE NOT WELCOME ANY MORE.” But just one line in and the bold statement is undone as the Star says Abramovich’s visa has “reportedly run out”.
It all promised so much. What football fan was not smirking and mentally counting the seasons as Chelsea, shawn of Russian money, slide to those pre-Roman days of lower-league football and in-fighting. Not that a club’s overseas-domiciled owner needs to be a fan nor show up to games – see Man City, Man United, Spurs, Arsenal and Liverpool. But Chelsea is Roman’s alone. It’s a one-man empire. “What happens if he suddenly dropped dead, as Russian oligarchs have been known to do?” muses the Daily Mail. Dunno. Maybe a family man wily enough to be a billionaire has thought about that made plans?
He’s not dead. He’s “stranded in Russia,” says the Express. It adds that Roman “could become the first major casualty of the tensions since the Salisbury nerve agent attack on Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in March.” Of maybe, you know, he could not.
The Sun makes the link between poison and footy overt in its headline: “Chelsea owner stuck in Moscow after poison row.” But there’s no link between the two things. The headline might just as easily say: “Chelsea owner escapes Wembley bore-fest.”
It’s “Roman’s own goal” in the Mirror. Roman news shares a page with the story “Cut off dirty money, MPs plead” – “Fresh sanctions on Vladimir Putin’s cronies will be urged today to stem ‘dirty money’ harming UK security.” No suggestion whatsoever Abramovich has down anything wrong – other than fund Chelsea, the club that since his investment in 2003 have won 15 trophies. And that’s unforgivable, of course. Still, if could have been worse: he could have bought Spurs.
Posted: 21st, May 2018 | In: Chelsea, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Transfer balls: Manchester City want Hazard; Chelsea star ‘agrees’ Real Madrid move with mind
Pick a top player. Any player. And then say Manchester City want him. The BBC says Manchester City are “planning” a £100m deal for Chelsea’s Eden Hazard. Pep Guardiola has earmarked the 27-year-old Belgium forward as “his top transfer target”. Over in the Daily Star, we get not only the same peak at City’s summer spending plan but also an insight into Pep’s head. News is that he’s “confident” of getting Hazard. And – get this – Hazard is “aware” that City like him.
The Daily Star can read minds. But it can’t conjure a quote of single fact to support its scoop – and neither can the BBC.
It might be worth have a look at what other Eden Hazard headlines the tabloids have provided us with:
Chelsea may offer Eden Hazard in a swap deal for Barcelona star Ousmane Dembele – Daily Star, Jan 21 2018
Eden Hazard AGREES Real Madrid move after snubbing Chelsea contract offer – Daily Express, Jan 10, 2018
EDEN TO REAL Eden Hazard agrees deal to join Real Madrid with Alvaro Morata moving the other way to Chelsea – The Sun, Jul 10, 2017
Eden Hazard reaches agreement with Real Madrid after secret transfer talks – The Metro, April 26, 2017
Hazard has done all that by communicating telepathically. Fact.
Posted: 21st, May 2018 | In: Back pages, Chelsea, Manchester City, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Meghan’s spare wedding dress cost £100,000 (or not)
Thomas who? Thomas Markle… Anyone? Having rolled over Megan Markle’s father, the news cycle gets to focus on the honeymoon and the dress. Not that the new Duchess of Sussex’s dress was a surprise to Daily Mail readers who on April 4 got a sneak peak of her walk-on look. Rebecca English told us:
EXCLUSIVE: Meghan’s £100,000 wedding dress revealed: Royal bride will wear hand-stitched, beaded design made by British couturiers Ralph & Russo (and paid for by Prince Harry’s family)
The price then doubled. And the designer changed their name. Although no longer an “exclusive”, the story remained a revelation: “Givenchy’s Clare Waight Keller has been revealed as Meghan’s wedding dress designer.” There had been lots of “speculation” – surely “exclusives”? – with with “Ralph & Russo hotly tipped”:
But if it’s guff you’re after, step forward and take long obsequious bow, Robin Givhan, who writes in the Washington Post:
…what was most noticeable were all the things that the dress was not. It was not a Hollywood red-carpet statement. It was not a Disney-princess fantasy. It was not a mountain of camouflaging tulle and chiffon.
The dress, designed by Clare Waight Keller, was free of extravagant embellishments. It was not covered in yards of delicate lace. It did not have a single ruffle — no pearls or crystals. Its beauty was in its architectural lines and its confident restraint. It was a romantic dress, but one that suggested a clear-eyed understanding that a real-life romance is not the stuff of fairy tales. The dress was a backdrop; it was in service to the woman.
Weekend in Blackpool, right?
Posted: 19th, May 2018 | In: Fashion, News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Standing in a betting shop made women want me
They shoot horses and put greyhounds out to graze on the hard shoulder. And now there’s “bloodbath at the bookies” featuring human beings. The Star is labouring under the impression that bookmakers give two hoots about their staff as it leads with how the Government has “slashed maximum stakes at fixed odds betting terminals from £100 to £2”. This will, we’re told, lead to job cuts among the people detailed to scoop up the proceeds of the pitiless gambling industry and deposit the filthy lucre into the burgeoning bank accounts of the big companies running the show.
Betting is sexy!
Who sane dials these lines?
The Association of British Bookmakers warns that curbs on “crack cocaine” betting machines will lead to the loss of 21,000 jobs as 4,000 high-street bookies shut. All balls, of course. The big betting companies spend fortunes telling us to bet online, offering inducements for a more fun sporting experience from your smart phone. They don’t do that to improve the lot of their shop workers. Online bookies are often based overseas. They’re happy for British punters to chuck their money to non-British workers.
Switch on pretty much any televised sporting event and someone will tell you how betting is for hard men – men ‘hard’ to argue with, like actor Ray Winstone, or ‘hard’ to touch, like the priapic saddos who think betting on Harry Kane will get them laid, possibly with an actual flesh-and-bone woman.
Inside today’s Star there are plenty of adverts for gambling. “Bets plan is a loser,” says the Star’s editorial. The adverts agree – it’s free FUN and you GET YOUR MONEY BACK:
Page 50: topless stunna Michelle Marsh advises readers to “BET HARD & FAST” (see above). Subtle it ain’t.
Pages 46- 48: horse racing times are wrapped round adverts for tipster hotlines (£1.50-a-minute); and more ads for Ladbrokes and Coral – “Bet £5.. .& Get £20 in Free Bets” – “When The Fun Stops Stop – Be Gamble Aware.” Yeah, right.
Pages 27-30: An entire section advertising Paddy Power bets on the FA Cup final – “The Craziest bets punters have placed this weekend.”
And it’s all done to keep people in work and the high-street bustling. It’s selfless stuff…
Posted: 18th, May 2018 | In: Key Posts, Money, News, Tabloids | Comment
Meghan Markle: darts walk-on girls and The Naked Rambler should get the nod
As Meghan Markle straps an inflatable bellend to her neck and brandishes Harry’s loyalty card for for the mother of all hen nights at SophistiCats night club, the papers all lead with the “sad” announcement that her dad, the much-maligned Thomas Markle, will no be walking her down the aisle. Who will is the matter of heated debate, the smart money being on the her mother, darts walk-on girls, Naomi Campbell, the Naked Rambler and Ian Botham, should he be seeking a new sponsorship role: it’s £1000-a-yard for charity. (TV executives, call me I have ideas – Sue Perkins presents The Hard Yards, a pro-celebrity walk down the aisle.)
The Sun plan for the next generation
Anyhow, California-gal Meghan stuffed in a plum and issued a statement via the Kensington palace twitter feed: “Sadly my father will not be attending our wedding. I have always cared for my father and hope he can be given the space he needs to focus on his health.” Shades of Adrian Mole’s mother saying she’s “fond” of him. Harry has never met Thomas. But “nothing’s going to spoil our big day,” thunders the Daily Mail’s lead headline – although you’d imagine a few of the paper’s hacks will give it a whirl.
In the Sun there’s lots of gush about Meghan being a “silver-lining girl”as the paper joins “fans” sleeping on the streets of Windsor. Best not get there too early, mind, lest the police give you a kick and move you on. The homeless and rough sleepers have been swept from the town’s streets. “Crazy Corner” looks like the “Calais Jungle”, says the Sun’s man on patio furniture. But there’s no Lily Allen, just people like Skye London – “People call us mad. Well, we are mad but we always gets the best seats” – and Terry Hunt – “I’ve been doing this since I was four. I’m at every wedding and outside the hospital at every birth.”
Posted: 18th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Spurs went from ‘Busby Babes’ to grating flops
Spurs win nothing. Again. As usual. Their fans call it all very ‘Spursy’ when they flatter to deceive. On February 12 2017, Neil Ashton is story no longer live on the Sun’s website said Spurs were the new greatest team in English football. Just get a load of this – written after Spurs had defeated a moribund Arsenal 1-0 and were fifth in the league table:. Eatching Spurs was like watching… Barcelona (albeit a Barca side that win nothing and finish as also-rans):
Every once in a while, English football enters a golden age. Think Busby Babes, the great Liverpool side built by Bill Shankly or Sir Alex Ferguson’s swashbuckling United teams. At this rate, in years to come, everybody will want to say they got to watch Tottenham live.
No. They won’t. They will say they saw Manchester City, who finished a mere 23 points ahead of Spurs to win the title. (If you think Spurs will win the title next season – and best of luck with that – www.allascasino.com/nya-casinon is a good place to clean up.)
And Ashton has changed his tune, writing on May 15:
Everybody admires Spurs’ pretty football — but Pochettino knows the pressure is now on to start landing some silverware. The nearly-man tag, the reminders he has yet to win a trophy at Tottenham, are starting to grate
But at least we got to watch Tottenham live in February – when no cups are handed out.
Posted: 15th, May 2018 | In: Back pages, Sports, Spurs, Tabloids | Comment
Thomas Markle declared clinically sane
Thomas Markle will not be at this daughter Meghan Markle’s wedding to Harry Windsor. The groom’s family is hosting the do, which means Thomas Markle flying from his home in Mexico to London, meeting myriads of strangers, being shackled and shaped by their huge teams of minted PRs, obsequious lackeys and armed goons, and welcomed warmly into the bosom of what absurdly passes for a modern twist on monarchy. All tabloids lead with the news. But none of them know for certain. He might come. He might not.
In this age of fluid gender roles, it’s a gentleman’s prerogative to arrive at the wedding. We used to like the story of the groom being jilted at the alter, now we’re wondering if a 73-year-old bloke can be arsed to go though all that guff to see his daughter married for the second time.
Get Thomas!
The Mail, which “exposed” “fake” photos of Thomas being boring as he looked at screengrabs of his daughter and her Chinger prince, tried on a suit and rode a cheap exercise bike, now invites Richard Kay to says the “world” feels “nothing but sympathy” for a man possessed of a “quiet dignity”. But he is “humiliated” by his “reckless agreement” to broadcast and allegedly flog photos of himself to the Press rather than lettering the Mail broadcast and flog photos of him without his permission. It is “regrettable and sad” that this “basically honourable man” will be absent from Meg’s big day. The Sun calls it a “bombshell”.
The Express says Thomas doesn’t want to “embarrass the Royal Family”, something you’d think impossible to do, given that the clan of feckless ninnies ride around in gold coaches, suck toes, cheat on their spouses, hang out with paedos (allegedly), dress up as Nazis (both real and for larks) and gave us this:
The Star and Mirror, however, wonder if Thomas has suffered a heart attack. The Mirror also says Thomas “claims” he has “been harassed by snappers”. Or as the Sun notes: “He was pictured driving away from his home last Wednesday and staying the night at a motel in San Diego after crossing the US border. The next day… he lifted two heavy pots of flowering plants on Doria’s [Meghan’s mother] doorstep in Los Angeles with a card. He was then seen driving around LA, visiting the post office, pharmacy and bank before heading bak to Mexico that evening.”
Who’d envy that?
Posted: 15th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Arsenal balls: The 9 clear favourites to replace Wenger
A quick catch-up on the inside story on who will be the next Arsenal manger. All these picks come to use via the fake-news busting BBC.
Unai Emery, who will be leaving Paris St-Germain at the end of the season, has emerged as the clear favourite to replace Arsene Wenger as Arsenal manager.
Or:
Juventus boss Massimiliano Allegri, who has also been linked strongly with the Arsenal role, wants a £200m transfer kitty if he is to become the new boss.
Emery sounds cheap. Go for Emery.
Elsewhere, more news on the new boss:
The Sun says Arsenal are targeting Carlo Ancelotti.
The Express states: “Brighton manager Chris Hughton would be the perfect man to replace Arsene Wenger at Arsenal – if he did not play for Tottenham.”
Note: he’s so good that Tottenham didn’t want him. And he doesn’t play for Spurs. He manages Brighton.
The Express tops that ball by noting – get this – “ARSENAL’s next manager could lead the club to a Premier League title challenge next season.” Well, they could. Or maybe he won’t. Discuss.
And it also states: “PATRICK VIEIRA has emerged as the clear favourite to replace Arsene Wenger at Arsenal.”
The Metro reasons: “Why Arsenal would prefer to appoint Mikel Arteta or Patrick Vieira as Arsene Wenger’s successor.”
Why? Because they are “young”. The Metro says only four names being considered, Allegiri and:
Manchester City’s assistant coach Mikel Arteta, as well as Patrick Vieira and Julian Nagelsmann, whose Hoffenheim side secured Champions League football for the first time in their history by finishing third in the Bundesliga, are the three other names on the Arsenal shortlist.
So much for Emry being the “clear favourite”.
The Indy then makes a statement: “Next Arsenal manager: Mikel Arteta first choice to take over from Arsene Wenger as Max Allegri eyes Juventus stay.”
Or as TalkSport put it: “Arsenal favourites to appoint former Barcelona manager Luis Enrique“.
And as The Week puts it: “Zeljko Buvac is favourite to replace Wenger.”
They don’t have the foggiest.
Posted: 13th, May 2018 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Arsenal star defies the experts and plays again
Mohamed Elneny is back in the Arsenal first team for their match at Huddersfield. It’s a miracle. Well, it is if you read the hyperbolic bilge written when he was stretchered off at West Ham late last month. Peak balls arrived in the Sun, which spoke of the Egyptian missing the World Cup, repackaged a kick to the foot as a “freak injury” and talked of possible “broken limbs”. It was “Injury El”.
Three days after that tosh, the Sun opined: “It’s good news for Arsenal who will hope to have Elneny fit for the Premier League run-in and potentially the Europa League final… many believing his season was over.”
Why many believed that was not started – but it might be because they read it in the Sun.
No European final for El Neny and Arsenal, of course, just a chance to end their losing streak of 7 Premier League away games on Arsenal Wenger’s final game as the club’s manager. No exactly leaving Arsenal on a high, is he…
Au revoir- shut the door on the way out.
Posted: 13th, May 2018 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Prince Harry can’t recall meeting Meghan’s dad Thomas in Toronto?
Time to catch up with Thomas Markle, Meghan Markle’s dad. The Mail says the “virtual recluse” has still to meet Prince Harry. In the build up to the wedding, the Queen will be hosting a do at which Thomas will meet Her Maj and the rest of The Munsters. “Remarkably,” says the Mail, “it will be the first time that Prince Harry will meet his fiancee’s father.”
Aside from Thomas Markle being anything but a recluse, the Mail might care to note on January 4th 2017 we read that Thomas and Harry met in Toronto a while back. And where did we read that news? In the Mail:
Such are the facts.
Posted: 7th, May 2018 | In: News, Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment
Transfer balls: Mahrez to Arsenal is clickbait
The BBC says Leicester forward Riyad Mahrez is “keen to join Arsenal”. The 27-year-old Algerian is on his way to the Emirates, says the Sunday Express in what it hails as a “transfer exclusive”.
Daily Express – EXCLUSIVE
The story contains not a single new fact. But we do learn that “Express Sport understands” Mahrez “favours a move to Arsenal”. Apparently, Mahrez “has a house in the capital and would prefer a switch there over a move to Manchester”. So not withstanding Mahrez’s shock realisation that people live in houses in Manchester and, unlike in London, anyone on a mere £100,000-a-week can afford one, Arsenal it is, then.
Maybe. Because the Express also ‘understands’, “Tottenham and Chelsea remain alternative options”, to say nothing of West Ham, Crystal Palace and Watford, which the Express doesn’t.
Of course, this guesswork is based on previous reports linking Mahrez to Arsenal. You might have read them in the Express:
Another Express scoop
Not that the Express is the only newspaper to have told us that Mahrez to Arsenal was a done deal:
The Daily Mirror poses the story as question – but Google doesn’t recognise question marks – so the story is presented as fact to any readers searching for Mahrez, Leicester City and Arsenal news.
Teamtalks opts for invested commas
The Telegraph also opts for inverted commas
The Metro
Mahrez to Arsenal it is, then…
Posted: 6th, May 2018 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Transfer balls: Arsenal’s £200m budget for £25m-a-year-Enrique
How much money will the next Arsenal manager be given to splurge on players? The coach who replaces Arsene Wenger should read the small print on any contract because the newspapers and the trusty BBC are very confused.
The BBC says “Arsene Wenger’s successor at Arsenal will be given a £200m transfer budget”. That’s a huge amount of money. Wenger could have bought 5 Granit Xhakas for that.
The source for the BBC’s story is the no less trusty Daily Star. It reports the headline figure as an “exclusive” but offers not a single shred of proof to support the story – not even an unnamed “insider” is coughed up to say it’s all true.
It’s wrong, of course. We know the £200m figure is wrong because on April 23 the Daily Telegraph said the next Arsenal manger will have a transfer kitty of…£50m.
That lower figure sounds more in keeping with Arsenal’s history than the £200m. So how did it come about? Well, a few days ago, the Sun said former Barcelona manager Luis Enrique wants £200m spending money to take over at Arsenal. But Arsenal don’t have that sum so it’s no deal.
Did the Star just see the figure and echo it?
As for the uninspiring Enrique arriving at Arsenal, the Sun of May 2 noted: “ARSENAL target Luis Enrique’s staggering £25million wage demands could rule him out of the running to replace Arsene Wenger.”
Only ‘could’? On April 29, the Times told its readers:
Arsenal have stepped away from making Luis Enrique the managerial successor to Arsene Wenger… The Sunday Times understands that senior executives consider Enrique an inappropriate fit to the position.
In short: no-one outside the club knows who Arsenal will appoint, let alone what the transfer budget will be.
Posted: 5th, May 2018 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Clickbait balls: Arsenal’s Henrikh Mkhitaryan crawls to Madrid
Henrikh Mkhitaryan is back training with Arsenal ahead of their do-or-die Europa League match with Atletico Madrid. The Armenian has emerged as a key figure in Arsenal’s season. Last weekend, he scored on his first return visit to Manchester United, with whom he won the Europa League last season. Good news for Arsenal, then, that Mkhitaryan is fit.
Of course, he isn’t fit – well, not if you get your news from the Daily Express and Daily Star he’s not. In both tabloids, Mkhitaryan hasn’t played since April 11:
The Star
The Express
Shameless clickbait we expect from the Star and Express, of course. The Express operates in the twilight zone between fact and fiction. You don’t need Facebook for fake news – you just need an editorial staff run by the advertising department and Google News to play ball and promote your rubbish on its front page…
Posted: 2nd, May 2018 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Right-wing tabloids use Piers Morgan’s impotent tool to bash Diane Abbott
As the Government inches towards its removal targets for people unsuited to their environment – farewell, Amber Rudd – the Press look around for the next scalp. They spot Diane Abbott, the Labour shadow home secretary. The Sun thunders “DIANE DISASTER “, zooming in on Abbott’s “car-crash interview” with TV’s Piers Morgan. Lest the paper’s position be unclear, it adds: “The disastrous interview came after the resignation of Amber Rudd as Home Secretary.”
Says the Sun:
Pressed on the [illegal immigration] issue, Ms Abbott refused EIGHT times to lay out exactly what her solution would be if she got into power.
As ever, the non-event on mid-morning telly between Paxman-lite and Blinky hits Twitter:
Viewers watching will make their own mind up about what you were trying to do. As for me I will keep campaigning for justice, not treating the #Windrush generation and others who have a right to be here as if they were illegal.
— Diane Abbott (@HackneyAbbott) April 30, 2018
The Mail analyses the facts.
Diane Abbott refuses SIX TIMES to say what SHE would do with illegal immigrants in her latest car crash interview
We know journalists are rubbish at sums but surely the Sun and Mail can decide if Morgan repeated himself 6 or 8 times? (The Mirror says it’s 6.) You can watch the video of the chat if you can stand it – but you might wonder if repeating the same line of questioning is more vainglorious balls than an actual attempt to get an answer. But the poor questioning and the non-answer gets the headlines – no fewer than three times on the Daily Express website:
STORY 1: “What is Labour immigration policy? Piers Morgan frustrated as Diane Abbott fails to answer”
STORY 2: “‘You couldn’t give me a straight answer’ Morgan hits back at Abbott after fiery TV clash”
STORY 3: “Piers Morgan Twitter: Good Morning Britain star continues HEATED debate with Diane Abbott”
Good to see the country finally having a sensible debate on immigration – not.
Oh, go on, here it is.
Diane Abbott repeatedly refuses to say what should happen to illegal migrants in car-crash interview with Piers Morgan. https://t.co/f7ayYJ9Gna pic.twitter.com/PjG1MWM18F
— Ben (@Jamin2g) April 30, 2018
Posted: 30th, April 2018 | In: News, Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mail: not knowing what gives you cancer gives you cancer
Lots of people wrongly believe things like stress, electromagnetic frequencies, microwave ovens, GM foods and drinking from plastic bottles cause cancer. A study in the European Journal of Cancer, by a team from University College London (UCL) and the University of Leeds surveyed 1,330 people in England. Lion Shahab, from UCL, tells media: “People’s beliefs are so important because they have an impact on the lifestyle choices they make.”
Where do people get the idea that all manner of stuff gives you cancer – that disease the slack-jawed and mentally negligible tell us people “battle” (BBC) and “Stand up to” (Channel 4)?
The Daily Mail has seen the research and tells its readers:
Do YOU know what increases your cancer risk? An alarming number of people believe in fake causes – and don’t know about the real dangers…
What are the real dangers?
…many people are still confused about risk factors, despite vast sums being spent on public health education campaigns.
A sizeable minority of the public either fail to appreciate the significance of known risk factors or hold unfounded beliefs about possible causes, such as using mobile phones or being near overhead power lines.
Who to blame for what the lack of knowledge? The Mail warns, “people increasingly getting their news from social media – sometimes from unreliable sources (so-called ‘fake news’).”
Some read the Daily Mail.
Like this – The Daily Mail’s A-Z of Things That Give you Cancer.
Posted: 28th, April 2018 | In: Key Posts, News, Tabloids | Comment
Arsenal: Wenger hints at something but not that
What next for Arsene Wenger when he finally closes the door on Arsenal and we can all forget about the nine years without a trophy, signing Marouane Chamakh and watching a side with all aggression of a newborn lamb? Unless, of course, the masterful manager steers Arsenal to the Europa League title and with it Champions League qualification, and we call agree that it’d be right and proper for Wenger to remain at the club for another season. Or longer. Don’t toss way those “Wenger Out’ banners yet, Gooners.
The Express, though, is a practical organ. Everything it publishes is printed in trusty black and white. Wenger is going. End of. And today the paper delivers the news: “Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger drops big hint over next job: This is where I want to manage.”
In case you missed it there, the Express’s sister paper, the Star, also thunders: “Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger drops huge hint over where he’ll manage next.”
Where? Bayern Munich? Spurs? England? Says Wenger: “I hope these are not my last European cup games – my target is to play in Europe again.” The hint is that he cole mange for any club in Europe. In yer face, Guangzhou Evergrande Taobao.
Posted: 26th, April 2018 | In: Arsenal, Back pages, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
Liverpool striker rewrites history for Mo Salah; Manchester City star never stood a chance
Mohamed Salah is the Liverpool tyro scoring goals with great awareness, no little skill and finishing with elegant panache. He’s been terrific for Liverpool all season. And he’s won an prize, taking away the PFA player of the year award. It was pretty much a toss-up between Salah and Manchester City’s Kevin De Bruyne, like Salah also flogged for not being good enough by monocular Jose Mourinho’s winning-is-all Chelsea. De Bruyne has been sublime, an imaginative driving force for City’s title victory. I’d have voted for him to win the award. But goal scorers get the headlines – their attributes are measurable in the baldest terms: Salah has an impressive 31 PL goals.
Choosing between the pair is hard. But not for former Liverpool player Stan Collymore, who told his Daily Mirror readers: “Mo Salah was the outstanding choice for the PFA Player of the year award. The sheer variety of goals he has scored in his debut season playing for a club where expectation levels are huge has been phenomenal.”
But were expectations all that high about a player who’d left Chelsea for Roma – a player who in the era of absurd fees came in for £36.9m – just £4m more than Liverpool paid Arsenal for the overrated Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain?
No.
On February 12, Collymore told his readers: “Harry Kane and Mo Salah have their merits as potential Player of the Year award winners. But that honour has to go to Kevin De Bruyne. He has been weighing in with goals and important assists at important times in games all season. His level of consistency has been outstanding. I saw one article saying they feel up at Manchester City that he should be in the reckoning for a Ballon d’Or shout, and I wouldn’t disagree with that.”
A short while on and Salah is the only choice.
Vote now and vote often!
Posted: 24th, April 2018 | In: Back pages, Liverpool, Manchester City, News, Sports, Tabloids | Comment
