Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Victoria Beckham Has It In The Marc Jacobs Bag
VICTORIA Beckham is wearing a hat.
The Mirror’s Beckham hat correspondent (US West Coast) notes also the lace-trimmed sunglasses?
But the hat is all. Small and black, the shape revisits those miniature wind turbines seen on remote American farms in the Dust Bowel era.
The hat, made by one Marc Jacobs, might be an antenna, picking up messages. Like the Tellytubbies, notes the paper. Dipsy. Tinky Winky. Laa-Laa. Po-faced.
The Anorak prefers this picture of Her Poshness. It is a look many believe she should make her own, her signature.
Soon everyone will be doing The Posh, toffs and Hooray Henriettas falling over in Chinawhites, the Embassy club and footballer’s stag dos, tumbling into their gigantic handbags, lost forever among the detritus of life…
Posted: 11th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Daily Nail Looks At Sex And The City’s Kim Cattrall
THE Mail’s ‘Ugly Women’ series continues with a study of Kim Cattrall’s legs.
“Just a slight wobble: her thigh,” says the caption to one picture of the Sex And The City actress.
Cattrall wears a pair of generous Comfi-bikini pants and a shirt. “Even so,” notes the Mail, “a little cellulite was visible on her once-smooth thighs, particularly as she ran down Malibu beach”. Look. See?
The Mail has no multi-media facility, and readers are encouraged to recapture the Cattrall moment by slapping their own thighs or else pushing their Daily Mail into a serving on blancmange…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Jamie Oliver’s Horse Power
CAN Jamie Oliver speak French?
We ask in light of the Mail’s lead news story that 84 horses, ponies and donkeys have been “SAVED FROM THE DINNER TABLE”.
The Mail says it is a “disturbing trade”.
Meat traders Jamie Gray [no relation] was, as reported, planning to sell the livestock to French butchers. But officers from the RSPCA, the International League for the Protection of Horses, the police and vets have arrested Gray and rescued the animals.
So the French go hungry. But will they mind? The other news is that the animal were “pitiful” and in “disgusting condition”. They were battery horses.
Look out for Jamie’s expose into how horses should be free range and organic, looking on as he slaughters Poleta Boy before a live studio audience…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Alex Curran’s The Bag Of Dorian Gray
WAG Alex Curran is holding a bag. It’s made from the perineums of a million organic-milk-reared snakes.
The Suns says the bag costs £1,500 and after it’s been born in Geppetto’s bag studio it is injected with botox.
This keeps the bag fresh and alive. Of course, had Curran kept abreast of bag trends she would be stepping out in the company of the still warm, hollowed out and springy-skinned cadaver of a Siberian tiger.
But Botox it is. And given the amount of skin-ravaging sunshine the average Wag imbibes, the Curran bag takes on Dorian Gray properties.
Keep injecting lest bag and bag lady become indistinguishable…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Robbie Williams, You Require Phil Taylor
OLD rock stars never die. Pickled by a process of drink, drugs and Californian prune juice they take up new pursuits.
Keith Richards enjoys snooker. The former Rolling Stone Billy Wyman has a branded metal detecting kit. It was Bill who told us: “When I’m detecting I really enjoy the peace and quiet of being out in the fields; the fresh air, hearing the birds sing and all the exercise.”
Metal detecting may well be answer, especially if you’re an old rocker hankering for the glory day when your post-gig ears were whistling for days on end.
And today the Sun brings news that Robbie Williams has a passion for darts.
Viewers of the Lakeside world darts championship will have noticed that dartist-turned–pundit Bobby George is wearing a headset microphone (no, it’s not a drip). Music fans will recall a similar device sported by singer Bobby Brown and Williams on stage.
Williams’ desire to take on Phil “The Power” Taylor in a pro-celebrity darts-off may well be natural progression of this meeting of pop music and arrows.
Although, we suspect something else: far away from home in La La land, Williams lusts for the flavour of home. He wants to display his Britishness, say things like “tickedyboo” and coat all meats in a brown sauce.
Says LA’s Ozzy Osbourne in the Sun: “I f*****g love Yorkshire Gold [tea]…I never thought I’d see the day when I’d get excited over a cup of f*****g tea.”
If Taylor does accept the offer, he may well up as just another Los Angeles curiosity, like “major” Victoria Beckham, John Cleese and bad teeth…
Posted: 10th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Keeley Hazell Supports Nelson’s Column
“IN Trafalgar pair,” the Sun joins the debate on what should stand atop the spare plinth on Trafalgar Square.
While “arts chiefs” scratch their heads and rub their chins, the Sun positions Keeley Hazel on the vacant site.
Oddly, Keely’s views on the matter are not know, her relocation from drafty photographers studio to public exhibit done by popular demand.
But what of the alternatives to Keeley’s flesh and flesh Britannia? A visit to the Fourth Plinth website reveals:
Tracey Emin’s “Something for the Future” – For some years Tracey Emin has been interested in the social behaviour of meerkats, small mammals that live together in an egalitarian order in the Kalahari Desert, southern Africa. She has noticed that ‘whenever Britain is in crisis or, as a nation, is experiencing sadness and loss (for example, after Princess Diana’s funeral), the next programme on television is Meerkats United’. Emin proposes to place a sculpture of a small group of meerkats on the empty plinth as a symbol of unity and safety”
As you were, Keeley…
Kerry Katona Heads To The Hills
FINDING ways to add yet more appeal to Kerry Katona is no easy thing. But the Star says Kamp Kerry can hit upon a wheeze: get to her speak German.
Kerry has taken ownership of an Alsatian dog called Kai.
The Star has a picture of the hound snarling at a man dressed in a padded suit in manmade fibres. Given his fashion and position, he may well be the German trainer who “barks out” commands in German, the only language this dog, or indeed any other kind of large angry dog understands.
So say “Knob Off, Kerry” and “Guten Tag, Kerry”.
And with Kerry’s new linguistic skills will surely come great fame, either as the “New David Hasselhoff” or the star of Der Ton von Musik Zwei, in which the singer and her dog make sure their is only one celebrity act and her kids in town…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Ross Kemp’s Hard Words
ROSS Kemp is hard. He enjoys the company of hard men. The harder the better. Kemp most likely grades his male friends by Moh’s scale.
Today, Kemp, who played both a serving soldier and an ex-soldier on the telly, is using what he learnt in “action!” to fight the Taliban.
The Mirror says Ross has done “two stints with 1st Battalion The Royal Anglian Regiment”. Ross received no medals. But he did get some good pictures, his face on the telly and to meet hard men.
“Medals are important,” says Ross in the Mirror. He backs the Mirror’s campaign to equip all Afghanistan veterans with a medal, much like the one shown in which a British sniper is pictured crouching behind the “DAILY MIRROR” shield.
The medal is made of a hardened plastic…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (9)
Britney Spears In A Horse Pickle, And Her Latest Joke
SIMON Cowell is talking about Britney Spears, “exclusively to the Sun”.
And he considers the example set by Amy Winehouse, Britain’s Britney Spears, albeit with singing talent. Winehouse has been in the Caribbean.
Says Cowell: “That’s exactly what you have to do, take yourself out of the glare.”
It’s 85 degrees in the Caribbean. With sunglasses…
THE other Britney news is that the singer has been “babbling in a British accent since dating a Brummie photographer”. One Adnan Ghalib.
What influence has he had on Brit-nay Sperrz?
The Sun then hears an “insider” at the Cedars-Sinair medical facility tell us: “Every time we asked her how she felt she would start talking like a posh Englishwoman.”
Brummies may well puff out their chests in prroid. Posh? Mois yay.
And such a dialect is entirely suited to Her Spearness. As the BBC Brummie accent masterclass states: “The Birmingham accent hits one note – usually a low one – and sticks to it no matter what.”
See Birmingham’s Victoria Beckham…
That Britnay Sperz Brummie joke in full:
Q. What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
A: You can’t piss in a buffalo?
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Adrian Chiles’ Celebrity Postbag
SOMETIMES you can pass an entire week without hearing news of Richard Stilgoe.
But Adrian Chiles, writing in his Sun column, says Stilgoe has penned a tribute to The One Show. Chiles presents the show on BBC TV.
Writes Stilgoe: “This is a fan letter. I am not in the least surprised at the success of One Show. It’s friendly and not idiotic.”
Stay tuned for another dip into Chiles’ celebrity postbag next year…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Alan Hansen’s Carbon Bootprint
TV football’s nodding head Alan Hansen is standing before a fireplace in his house.
But what looks like an advertorial for Grecian 2000 or a new debt free YOU is Hansen sharing his views on football with a TV crew.
A source says that the Scot asked if he should put the fire on to make it look “more homely”. The producer agreed. And then Hansen invited the company to pay the gas bill.
The Sun is shocked. But this is entirely proper. Hansen is nature’s friend and would not care to go in studs high up Mother Nature, leaving a carbon footprint deserving of a red card.
It is a time for cool heads…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Pete Doherty Is Greener Than Sting
“DOHERTY is greener than Sting,” says the Mirror.
How green is Sting? Why, not as green as Doherty, who is a deep sea green….
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
Cop Out: Reg Hollis Is Cut From The Bill
“HORROR AT TV STUDIO,” screams the Sun’s front page. “BILL’S REG SLASHES WRISTS. Legends suicide bid after sacking.”
Will it help the Bill’s Reg to know that at the moment of his most desperate, when at his lowest ebb he is made known to millions by his on-screen name?
If PC Reg Hollis, sorry, Jeff Stewart, were worried about what life holds in store after being stripped of his uniform, he need fret no longer.
Reg survives, and with it his chance to appear sat on a bar stool in a pub waiting to be approached by fans.
“Evening all, Reg”, they say, offering to take down his particulars, and should Reg react unfavourably, falling headfirst down the stairs…
Posted: 9th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (13)
Jamie Oliver’s Salt And Battery
SAY Jamie Oliver: “It is shocking that the people I work for did not turn up on the day. I do not know why… How dare they not? I am really upset.”
Jamie has hosted a televised dinner party in which the invited diners were shown clips of the kind of a chicken, not dissimilar to the one laid out before them, suffering in a battery farm and being killed.
Jamie is upset that Sainsbury’s who pay him £1million a year, did not attend. “We phoned on the day,” says Jamie. “And said, ’Can you not send anyone, even the poultry buyer?’ and no one came.”
Jamie may be surprised less that a Sainsbury’s worker decided not to support his latest campaign than that anyone should turn down a chance to be on the telly.
Jamie says the “the conditions under which standard eggs and chickens are reared are morally wrong”.
We should all take more care and more time to empathise with the chicken. We should perhaps invite the chicken to commit suicide or die doing something worthwhile, like waging the War on Terror or sacrificing themselves so that their chicks might live.
Indeed, Jamie Oliver commends to our attention the RSPCA’s Freedom –Food labelled chicken, to be eaten with Freedom Fries…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Lily Allen Quote Of the Day: School
LILY Allen quote of the day, as told to the Mirror: “I want to be living in an area that’s a good catchment for schools and that’s all I care about.”
Watch out for Celebrity Catchment Class coming to ITV very soon…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Britney Spears Gives It Some Lolly
BRITNEY Spears. Enough news? More news? Ok, try: “BRIT’S MILLION DOLLAR SCAM.”
The Daily Star leads with news that Britney Spears is “cashing in” on her meltdown by offering to sell photographs of her taken by her photographer friend, the Briton Adnan Ghalib.
Might it be that Britney Spears is self-aware, realising that if millions are to be made off her name, then she should cash in. After all, who has better access to Britney Spears than Britney Spears, her children included?
Immersed in the paparazzi pack, Spears has gone native.
One thing to clarify is how this amounts to a “scam”, a scheme for making money by dishonest means. The Sun says Ghalib’s photoagency is demanding “megabucks” for pictures of Britney wearing “next to nothing and sucking on a lollipop”. Photographs of this celebrity tableau have already “leaked” onto the web. No fakery. That really is a lolly.
The Anorak shall not be bidding for these snaps, able as it is to find many pictures of a near-nude Spears on the internet and confident that anyone who pays over the odds for stock pictures will end up holding the sticky end of Spear’s oral sweetener…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Jordan’s Balancing Act
THE Jordan diet is proving to be as challenging as the women herself.
Having shed Pounds! Pounds! Pounds! by having her Jordans reduced from gargantuan to huge, the glamour model has now had her nose slimmed.
“A NEW NOSE FOR JORDAN,” trills the Mirror’s front-page. AFTER and BEFORE shots seem to prove the point that Jordan has shaved at least an ounce of weight off her already slender frame.
Of course it is all a matter of balance. Less the Mirror’s FOR and AGAINST column, as a Dr and tabloid writer give their verdicts on Jordan’s look, rather a matter of the laws of physics.
Jordan’s smaller breasts necessitate a smaller nose. It is no accident the new nose and reduced hair extensions (hair now brunette and lighter in dye) come after her pregnancy, when Jordan tummy vied to enter a room before Jordan bosom.
The tummy went. Then the bust. Now the bust is down and the nose follows.
Should Jordan develop love handles – and it is a big if – she will either have to push her hair into a bouffant perm, have her ears widened or have them merged to her bosom…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Kerry Katona Is In The Celebrity Deep Freeze
KERRY Katona has been sent packing from her job as Iceland’s EveryMum.
Or to put it another way: “KERRY IS AXED BY ICELAND.” Or frozen out.
Fans will recall Kerry starring in an advert in the company of her children and a giant squirrel. The kids may have mistaken the rodent for dad, and Iceland eaters may well have wondered at the content of that frozen vol-au-vent.
Kerry looked to have it all. But the one thing missing was that Kerry, our Kerry, the face of supermarket ownbrand ketchup, never had a frozen readymeal, sauce or mat crust named after her.
Which is a shame, and something we hope does not come to haunt her in later life…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
John Prescotts Gives Balls And Mallets A Leathering
SAYS Klim Seabright, secretary of the Croquet Association, in the Express: “When John Prescott was pictured playing croquet a couple of years ago, our sales [of balls and mallets] went through the roof.”
Veronica Vinyl, chairperson of the Leather Trousers Retail Co-operative, was “in conference” when we called…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Walls Have Ears: Princess Diana Bugged, And Charles
“DIANA: ‘SHE WAS BEING BUGGED’,” says the Mails’ front-page headline.
Princess Diana asked former soldier Graham Harding to scan her room in Kensington Palace. He located a “suspected bug behind a wall in her bedroom, adjacent to a room which had been used by Charles”.
If you were going to bug someone wouldn’t you gain access to her chamber, perhaps by passing yourself off as a TV interview, doctor, dress salesman or playboy, and then plant the bug in a telephone or box of tissues?
“How Diana’s bedroom chats were bugged,” says the Express on its cover page, a fact illustrated by a smiling Diana. “Diana’s bedroom was being bugged,” says another headline inside the paper, the initial fact repeated aloud in Town Crier voice.
While the Express repeats, Mr Harding continues to talk. Says he: “As you walk into her bedroom, I believe there was another room off it where this royal highness the Prince of Wales had a room and it was on that wall.”
Indeed, a room each, with a decompression chamber between, a Demilitarized Zone where taffeta and tweed are ever watchful of the other. Such is the way of the royals, who also – and this is fact! – furnish bedrooms with a sofa placed at the foot of each bed.
But we digress. Mr Harding, the stand is yours. He is unable to examine the device. There is “no indication” that the fabric on the wall had been altered. Says he: “It could have been innocent electronic equipment in another room.”
“Diana’s bedroom was being bugged,” says the Express, over and over and over…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Prince William Flight Of Fancy
PRINCE William is training to be a pilot. Of course, William is part of the Royal Family, aka the Windsors, and their drive to appear modern, normal and working, just like some of the rest of us.
Which means that he doesn’t learn to fly in at a private flying school but with the RAF.
Says the Mail: “By the end of his course, William should be able to fly solo and perform the loop-the-loop”.
Next stop: learning to drive a Speed Boat with the Sea Cadets…
Posted: 8th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Lily Allen’s Thought For The Day: Texting
LILY Allen quote of the day: “I get upset about illiterate young people. Someone texted me in fucking text speak without any vowels, so I replied just in vowels.” Says the Mirror, in tabloid speak: “f***ing”…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Knut The Second, Third, Fourth And Fifth
NEWS in the Mail is that three polar bear cubs are starving; not on the slushy wastes of Canada but in Germany.
To Nuremburg Zoo to see three newborn polar bear cubs.
The mother is neglecting her brood. Staff are refusing to intervene, fearful that the threesome will become victims of “Knutmania”, the affliction that beset Knut, a Berlin polar bear abandoned by its mother.
The Mail says the “cries of the cubs can be heard”. But do not despair. This is Mother Nature, and she knows best. Too many celebrity polar bears and the danger is that we will move away, look for new global warming pet. (It’s much the same with famous magicians – there is only ever room for one.)
The penguins will be praying that the cubs live…
Hunting Britney Spears With Dr Phil
“BRITNEY AND HER BRIT,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. “DRUG-BINGE STAR IN HIDING.”
In the Mirror: “TV SHRINK: BRITNEY NEEDS URGENT HELP – Father in tears at fears that troubled staar dusffer form bipolar illness.”
But not to worry. TV media Dr Phil is in. And he is listening. 14 has more:
Hollywood Predator is the only magazine devoted to the various predators living in Hollywood. Each issue is jam packed with educational features and stunning photos of common predatory species such as the Dr.
PhilFool, Paparazzi Wolves, and creepy “producers”. An excerpt from the latest issue:Lurking on the pristine streets of Beverly Hills is the most annoying predator known to celebrities: the paparazzi. They hunt incessantly for lucrative shots, even if it means scaling fences at daycares – or, most recently, following Britney Spears into an ambulance as she suffered a nervous breakdown and recklessly chasing down her two young sons, just so they could capture that “money shot” of their tear-stained faces looking out the car window.
But she is not alone. There is hope for her survial. And if Britney can be persuaded to mate with Amy Winehouse…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Gordon’ Smart’s Victoria Beckham Snap
A PICTURE of a pair of sunglasses and the Sun’s warning that “YOU’LL NEED THESE FOR Bizarre”, the paper’s showbiz pages.
It’s not because Gordon Smart, the paper’s showbiz reporter is especially bright, nor that Amy Winehouse’s “notorious red bra” will render readers blind on sight, rather that Victoria Beckham is in a dress.
And not just any dress but a “nuclear-bright lime green dress”. One look at Her Poshness could irritate the eyes.
But it will not cause as much irritation as Smart’s claim that readers are looking at “my snaps of Victoria Beckham”. These are not his snaps, taken by him on his happy snapper as he prowls the world for celebrity news, or waits for the Beckhams’ agent to call. These are agency pictures, taken by the paparazzi and made available to anyone who wants to get one.
Admittedly, this may not irritate everyone. And I apologise. But irritations are personal. A survey of the Anorak typing pool reveals that 50 per cent of us are irritated by the phrase “At the end of the day…”, 25 per cent by GMTV and 15 per cent by surveys…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
