Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Paris Hilton’s Amazing Feet
TODAY’S Paris Hilton exclusive is in the Star, which reveals that Paris has “webbed feet”.
Anorak’s friend 14 shows how this look is sure to catch on…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Nicole Richie’s Spell Of Pregnancy
THE Star reports that Hollywood VIP Nicole Richie is a “Cry baby”. So “terrified” of childbirth is Richie that she is using a hypnotist to channel positive thoughts.
Odd indeed that when celebrities with what are called drugs histories give birth they opt for alternative pain relievers while the rest of womankind, and some of the men, scream for “DRUGS!”
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Bishop Michael Al-Nazir’s Symbol Of Integration
BISHOP Michael Al-Nazir says Islamic extremists have turned parts of the UK into no go zones.
Says he: “One of the results of this has been to further alienate the young from the nation in which they were growing up and also to turn already separate communities into ‘no-go’ areas where adherence to this ideology has become a mark of acceptability.”
The bishop adds: “Those of a different faith or race may find it difficult to live or work there because of hostility to them. In many ways, this is the other side of the coin of far-Right intimidation.”
And to illustrate the matter, the Mail publishes a picture of a veiled woman wearing NHS bins and giving the “V” sign to one and all.
Ask the Mail: “Does Britain have no-go areas for non-Muslims?”
“We must listen to the Bishop’s warning on the dangers of Islam,” says the Express’ Leo McKinstry.”Are you fed up with fanatics changing Britain?” asks the paper, a poll based not on the New Labour leadership but Muslims.
But look at the picture. Is there anything more British than the two-fingered salute to authority? She looks very much like the rest of us…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Russell Brand Ducks David Icke’s Paedophile “Father George Bush”
DAVID Icke is on Russell Brand’s BBC radio show. Says Icke, self-styled son of God: “He’s a notorious paedophile, father George Bush.”
David Icke is a former Coventry City goalkeeper and BBC sports presenter who’s convinced that Earth is run by “reptilian humanoids”.
Icke may have meant to say Father George Bush (apologies if there is such a priest, we mean to cast no aspersions), but the Star is adamant that its transcript is correct and Icke did not call the US President’s father a “notorious paedophile”.
When Icke offered to send Brand proof, the DJ replied: “Don’t send it on my computer.”
Indeed. Best not. Although look out for the Icke Defence being employed should a celebrity be caught in possession of illegal images, it replacing the “For Research Purposes” explanation…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (10)
Vanessa Hudgens Is In The Best Possible Taste
VANESSA Hudgens. No, we neither.
But now that a picture of a naked Vanessa Hudgens has emerged on the internet, the Star has heard of her.
She is a “beauty”. She is aged “19”. She features in “High School Musical”.
And even though a picture of a naked HUDGENS has somehow leaked onto the web, she WILL star in High School Musical 3, and should the job demand it High School Musical 4, 5, 6, 7 and sequel to Annie.
“It was traumatic and I am extremely upset it happened,” says HUDGENS. “I hope all my fans can learn from my mistakes.”
And should any or all of those fans be looking to make the perilous move from teen star to adult celebrity, they know what to do… in the best possible taste…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
How To Get Danielle Lloyd’s Body
DANIELLE Lloyd is on the Star’s front page. She is wearing a pair of knickers with “miow” (Japanese for ‘kick me) writ in diamante across the rear.
She is holding her breasts, which for added security are restrained within a black net.
You can look. But you cannot have. Danielle’s breasts are going nowhere. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Although Danielle appears concerned and would be well advised to have her chests personalised, perhaps autographed with the legend “Property Of Dani” or sprayed a signature orange.
“DANI – How to have my body in just 7 days,” says the front-page teaser/offers.
Want to know how you can have Danielle’s body? You can buy Danielle’s keep-fit DVD, stand in line at the surgery or become a professional footballer by next Monday…
Posted: 7th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Suri Cruise Is Rosemary’s Baby – Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography
REPORTS the Mail: “Tom Cruise has become the de-facto second in command of the Church of Scientology, according to a new biography – which makes an extraordinary attack on the star by comparing his 20-month-old daughter Suri to the Devil’s child in the film Rosemary’s Baby.”
Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields criticises a passage in which Andrew Morton (Diana: Her True Story) claims some “fanatical” Scientologists believe Suri Cruise is the product of a sperm donation by Scientology’s dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.
Which would, if the Rosemary’s Baby claim is true, make Hubbard the Devil.
Morton writes that Katie Holmes may feel she was in “the horror movie Rosemary’s Baby, in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child”.
Says Mr Fields: “It’s not being published in England. The American publishers criticised the libel laws in Britain because they require an author to tell the truth. Well, thank God for the British libel laws.”
For his part, Cruise denies each of the claims, “and Scientology lawyers are believed to be drawing up a lawsuit seeking £50million in compensation from Morton’s publishers.”
Notes the Mail: “Morton says Cruise’s current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham.”
Although, our money is on the Beckhams recruiting Holmes and Cruise to their own brand of worship…
Pic: 14
Posted: 6th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (12)
Britney Spears Locked Up For Life
BRITNEY Spears is everywhere. Odd, perhaps, that with so much domestic talent – see the X Factor, Britain’s Got Talent, Stars in Their Bras – the UK press should focus on a sometime American singer.
DAILY MIRROR front page: “Out of control..refusing to hand over her kids..tied up in the back of an ambulance..now on suicide watch”
She is “BROKEN BRITNEY”
THE SUN front page: “BRITNEY ON HORSE DRUGS”
DAILY STAR front page: “CRAZED BRITNEY TAKES BABIES HOSTAGE”
DAILY EXPRESS front page: “Britney has to be tied down after holding her bay sons hostage”
Such is her fame, Britney should consider running for US President. Or release another perfume: SECTION, a slightly antiseptic blend, with top notes of Linctus and frappe over a bed of rubber and starch.
A remake of her movie Crossroads should be considered, with Spears making a comeback every bit as sensational as that by Miss Diane, who starred in the original British version in the late 1970s.
Others will surely panic at the Spears impact on global warming, calculating that as each paparazzi flash gun pops, a polar bear inches closer to death. It is a cogent argument for leaving Britney well alone, if not locking her away for life.
Posted: 5th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Princess Diana’s Circle Of Tears Drops
THE Circle Of Tears, the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain, is sinking.
Bob Munroe, billed in the Mail as an “engineering expert”, says the fountain should be rebuilt from scratch.
“It’s a disaster,” says he. “Hundreds of litres of water [tears] are leaking away every day and as a result it’s causing subsidence and making the paths rise and buckle.”
This rebuild would mean more expense, which seems fitting for the woman who is now centre stage in £10million inquest into her death.
And where there is Diana there is opinion. A spokesman for the Royal Parks Agency says: “The fountain is not an engineering disaster. It is not sinking, subsiding or leaking hundreds of litres of water a day.”
This one could run and run. Look out for a Daily Express (“Is Diana crying?) and Prince Philip with a sledgehammer…
Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (8)
Leonardo DiCaprio Pans For Global Warming
WE last saw Leonardo DiCaprio on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine. He was stood on a lump of ice.
The message was that the world was melting and unless we all act NOW DiCaprio will revisit the drowning scene from Titanic – literally. DiCaprio will be undone by a rogue iceberg once more.
We last heard DiCpario in the Sun, when he told us: “Ultimately it’s about driving our governments and our corporations to infuse ecology into every day livings standards.”
Now we see DiCaprio in the Star, where the news is that he is the proud owner of a remote controlled toilet.
Wires and such like mean the seat, which flips open whenever Leo approaches, like a penguin chick at feeding time, is warmed.
Six seconds after he has got up, the seat closes, although at what speed is unsaid. (Curry munchers and those suffering from tummy upsets should take note.)
A blast of water and then air clean the DiCaprio recesses. A built-in deodoriser kills off any “pongs”.
As the Star says: “The waste-saving superstar toilet meets all Leo’s environmentally friendly standards.”
Indeed. All waste material is relocated to the Artic tundra via a pipeline and used as bedding for orphaned polar bears and to construct a Papier-mâché visitor centre…
Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Daily Mirror Writers And Lies
WRITES the Mirror’s Julie McCaffrey in “The truth really does hurt: “Could I go a whole day of telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?”
The question is rhetorical as Julie soon tells readers: “If we never told any lies we’d struggle to hold down a job – in fact, we’d never make it past the interview – we’d have no friends and families would be at war.”
So we tell lies. There is harmony. Families don’t fight. Unless you’re Tony Blair, in which instance countries go to war…
No mention of Tony in the list of lies provided, nor of those pictures of British soldiers urinating on Iraqi captives (see Mirror)
Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
The Last Person On Earth: Daily Mail Planet
“AS a major new movie raises an intriguing question, our Science Editor explains what would really happen is you were THE LAST PERSON IN EARTH”.
The Mail watches I Am Legend, a fiction, and wonders what would occur if all but one man were dead.
“A broken limb could prove fatal without medical help”; roads: “Many would be impassable except in the most rugged four-wheel drive vehicles”; and “He could drive anywhere, wear the best designer clothes.”
He could live in Surrey…
Big Brother Jade Goody Kebab Repeats
JADE Goody is back. Not that she ever went away. Like spilt milk on a Taxi’s back seat, Jade just sunk in deeper in to the fabric and curdled; hard to ignore; demanding to be dealt with.
Jade is on the Star’s cover page. “JADE BACK IN CELEB BIG BROTHER,” says the headline. Jade is pictured, as ever, with her mouth ajar.
Readers learn that last night the show Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack began, a change from last year’s Big Brother: Celebrity Bigotry.
But the show’s fans are nostalgic and the Star finds one commenter on a website who screams: “Bring Back Jade Goody!”
Ms Goody is not available for comment, appearing on Celebrity Keep-Fit Video Makers In Tenerife, presented by Kilroy.
But if she is required to breathe fresh life into the moribund show, she should be invited to stand before a blue screen and repeat a variety of phrases to see which garners the most outrage…
Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (5)
Jordan’ s American SubTITles
NEWS that Jordan’s reality TV has to be translated for Americans come as no great shock.
It is not only the Spanish-speaking Americans who cannot understand Jordan but also the English speakers who are unable to understand what Jordan means when she says “Saw m’tits on da tealy”, “Shaggin wiv Peetes awl weely seaxy” and “The use of autonomous decision-making robots, particularly for military use is something that is cause for concern”…
Posted: 4th, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Walking Without The Menopause
THE recipe for beating “anxiety and stress” for middle-aged women is 4mph.
The Mail looks at research that says walking at 4mph, five times a week for 40 minutes will result in a wetter nose, springy limbs and a happy disposition.
But the study is at odds with advice meted out in the UK, which calls for exercising five times a week for 30 minutes or more. “Exertion should be enough to raise the heart rate for 120 beats a minute or higher.”
That’s high. To get your heart to the required rate at a sauntering 4mph will mean you have to be unfit. As you get fitter, your heart rate improves and you may find yourselves walking for months at a time in a bid to hit the magical 120bpm.
This may bring about the onset of dark thoughts, and how your life has no meaning.
We suggest that before exercising you print out a sponsorship form and walk for charity, thereby ensuring that your exercising is helping someone…
Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Nicholas Soames Hunts For Global Warming And Context
THAT’S “Tory buffoon” Nicholas Soames riding a quad bike with “a youngster” perched on the back.
The Mirror (“QUAD AN IDIOT”) looks on and notes that none of the youngsters (three in all) are not wearing crash helmets, parachutes, stab-proof vests or replica football kits. An eyewitness says the vehicle can go at about 20phm. This witness is “gobsmacked” at what he sees.
Says Soames: “Come on, we were following the hounds…I was only on a public road for few hundred yards and is hardly the M25.”
Soames make his point. Gobsmacked readers may well agree. Other gobsmacked readers may hear the word hunt and wish a lingering an unpleasant death upon Soames.
But it is all about context. The Mirror notes that less than a week ago seven-year-old Elizabeth Cook was killed riding a quad bike. She was riding it on her own along an Essex Road. No foxes or “BILLY BLUNDER” MPs were involved. But the point is being made. Context is provided
Soames then ratchets it up. He wants it placed in a still bigger context. “What with Darfur, Pakistan and Kenya, it’s hardly the biggest scandal of the moment,” says he.
The Mirror then places the event in the context of education and class: “This is proof…that any expensive education is no substitute for common sense.” Soames is fat. The incident is placed in the context of the obesity epidemic.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents puts it in the context of a massacre. Talking through the grid of the organisation’s official helmet, the spokesperson says: “All those children and adults are in danger. Even a minor collision would send them flying all over the road”.
Context is all. And the argument will go on until all parties agree that in the current context of global warming it is a deep tragedy…
Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Football’s Shame: Ford And Prison
JOEY Barton is in prison. “CRY BABY BARTON,” says the Sun’s front-page headline.
“You hear him crying in his cell at lights out time,” says an “insider”. A fellow insider has reportedly called Barton “scum of the earth”.
The Guardian looks at other jailed footballers. Cars play a big part. And looking through the list, we note that Tony Adams, the former Arsenal captain, was jailed in 1990 for drink-driving after crashing his Ford Sierra into a wall.
A Ford Sierra. The shame!
Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Yorkshire Terrors: The Bin Ladens Are Moving
NEWS that the Bin Ladens are moving to Calderdale, Yorkshire. Says Jane Felix-Brown, married to Osama Bin Laden’s son Omar: “We want peace, we both want peace.
“Omar wants to be an ambassador for peace and I am right behind him,” the Sun reports.
How far is unsaid, but you are free to guess…
Ways Of A Modern Celebrity: The Boast Card
IS everyone at the beach?
The modern celebrity winters in the sun, not on the boards in Bridlington and Bournemouth.
The modern celebrity is no longer one of us, cracking jokes about cold wind, a troublesome chest and cracked nuts.
The modern celebrity is in the sunshine, sending back boast cards of how they are looking fit, tanned and having a terrific time overseas.
The Sun shows readers its pictures of Kelly Brook in a bikini diving beneath the waves and showing her backside to the fans back home…
Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Life Of Brian Bombs
“WOULD Python do a Brian on Muslims?” asks the Sun’s Kelvin Mackenzie.
“Suppose the Monty Python team wanted to do a remake today but decided they had ‘done’ Christianity and wanted to concentrate their humour on, shall we say, Islam.”
It is soon evident that the impression MacKenzie has plucked Islam from the air is a contrivance and the thrust of his piece is how Muslims would react – unfavourably – to such a film.
But we play the game and imagine what it would be like to watch a group of late middle-aged, white men lending their brand of English, victim-based humour to Mohammed and a religion to which none are members?
And how sad, lonely men in accounts and marketing would regale their fellow Algerians and Iraqis with their hilarious take offs of John Cleese’s suicide bomber…
Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (2)
Dogs Are Stuffed At Christmas
“GIVE ME a home,” implores the Mirror’s front-page, words attributed not to the newssheet by its marketing department but to a small white dog. This is one of the “unwanted pets” of Christmas.
Inside the paper and two pages of Ditty, Dillon, Joop, Robbie, Dancer, Poppy, Chrissie, Evie and Unnamed.
Below them is a picture of a chef slicing a piece of meat in ad advert for a carvery.
Dog recipes to the usual address…
Big Brother Talent Spotting
“BIG Brother signs up Jade again,” says the Sun.
But – wait a mo – this Jade is not Jade Hoody but Jade Eden.
She is one of the housemates who have, as the Mirror notes, “excelled in the world of sport, arts, music and politics”.
Two of the contestants list their talent as “circus act”. One, Liam, has a talent for “business”. Jade’s talent is that she is a “beauty queen”.
Where is the real talent, you cry?
Where is the callow youth who can find a public toilet?
Where is the young woman who can play tennis and date Cliff Richard?
Where is the musician who can play the spoons – both sorts?
Where is the writer of the UK’s first Pet soap opera?
Where is the UK’s new Dame Vera Lynn?
Posted: 3rd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comment (1)
Legalise All Drugs
MORE awards. This one for what the Mail calls “THE MOST IDIOTIC POLICE CHIEF IN BRITAIN.”
One imagines the competition for this title would be exceptionally fierce, requiring the help of a panel of judges – Simon Cowell, The Bill’s Superintendent John Heaton and Kylie Minogue – and a readers’ poll.
But the Mail doesn’t bother, and announces that the winner is Richard Brunstrom.
Brunstrom joined Sussex Police after graduating in zoology from the University of Wales, Bangor. His favourite saying is “carpe diem” (Latin for ‘seize the collar’). He loves speed cameras. Just loves them.
He operates a zero-tolerance policy on speeding. He once sanctioned the display of a headless motorcyclist’s body to highlight his pet cause, which came as a shock to the victim’s family who knew nothing of the man’s horrific injuries.
But none of these things make him the “MOST IDIOTIC”. His award is rooted in his claim that the drug ecstasy is a “remarkably safe substance”. Adding: “It’s far safer than aspirin.”
The Mail responds with pictures of seven young people who have died after taking ecstasy. There is no picture of anyone who has died after taking aspirin.
To the Mail, Brunstrom is “CAPTAIN CALAMITY”. No debate on drugs, only comments on Brunstrom.
Over on the man’s official blog, there is no mention of his award, the police officer offering his heartfelt thanks to the drugs dealers, chemists and entrepreneurs who made his views on drugs possible.
The is only: “In a nutshell, I’m advocating the repeal of the Misuse of Drugs Act and the consequent legalisation and regulation of all drugs.”
Discuss and debate. Or not…
Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (8)
Gordon Smart’s Hang On Celebrity Awards
SLOW news day? No pictures of Britney Spears holding a coffee, Paris Hilton standing up or Amy Winehouse buying a newspaper?
Gordon Smart, the Sun’s professional showbiz hanger oner knows that to do.
All hail Gordon’s awards. And the top award goes to Noel Gallagher, the Oasis front man, who not only accepts the framed Sun front-cover in person but allows Smart to have a drink with him.
Anyone who wants to be considered for an award, and is free on Tuesday evenings, can contacts Smart on the usual number…
Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Ram-Adan: Britons Sex With A Muslim Sheep
“BRITS SACKED FOR SHEEP SEX PRANK.”
Two Algerian sheep are due to be slaughtered to celebrate the Muslim festival of Eid Al Adhha. Two British men see the sheep. Something occurs. And the two are accused of “Sheep violation”.
Being British, and this being a tabloid story, the oil workers could have done one of three things:
a) Kidnapped the sheep and taken it to the Woolly Bottoms Sanctuary, Wiltshire
B) Named the sheep Mohammed
C) Had sex, real or simulated, with the sheep?
Says an ex-pat living in Algeria: “If you relate this to teacher Gillian Gibbons they can thank their lucky stars.”
Indeed, sex with a teddy has not been tried since Iggy Pop dry humped a already stuffed bear on Top of the Pops.
Gillian Gibbons’ sex life remains a private affair…
(The two sheep remain f*cked whatever happens)
Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
