Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
The Beckhams Bun Fright
YOU will be wondering what David Beckham and his wife Victoria have been getting up to.
“GIRL’S BUN GOOD…AND DAVID’S A GREY,” says the Mirror’s front page.
David Beckham has worn a number of hairstyles over the years, and Beckham watchers will recall the bun he wore against Manchester City.
First impressions are that Beckham has lost his way, run out of ideas and been forced to look for moments of nostalgia. First the bun, then the Mohican and finally the black wig he wore when playing the Shepherd/Saudi Prince No.3 in his school’s nativity play.
It turns out, though, that it is David’s wife, Victoria, who has placed her hair in a bun.
Day-vid has opted to keep his hair shot. And the Mirror’s news, echoed by the Sun’s front-page headline, is that Beckham is showing his age. He has gone gray.
No small shock. Indeed, Beckham may be the first person with gray hair to ever appear on the Sun and Mirror’s front pages, and be noticed…
Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
New Year’s Ever Shame
HOW to illustrate binge drinking and what the Express calls a “night of shame”?
The Express opts for a cover shot of five girls out for night’s binging in Cardiff. All are wearing “very little”, chiefly leg warmers, high heels, hot pants and bras.
Shame!
“Undie pressure,” says the Sun, shocking readers with the same picture.
More shame!
The Sun’s Page 3 Girl (white knickers) says: “I enjoy a glass of wine, but we should all enjoy alcohol sensibly.” Wise words from Ami, who gamely ventures out in January without a vest.
The Mail opts for a picture of a large framed girl in a low-cut top being helped along by paramedic staff. No hotpants.
Shame!
And the Telegraph illustrates the madness with pictures of cheerleaders in London’s New Yard’s Day Parade and two girls in bikini bottoms stood in the First of Forth.
Shame all round…
Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Tabloids | Comments (4)
Who Wants To Be In A Pub With Chris Tarrant?
TO the pub for a game on the Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Quiz machine (top payout £20).
Says Christ Tarrant who presents the show on TV. “If I’m in a strange pub and people are playing Millionaire, I’ll snake up behind.”
He taps them on the shoulder, as the Sun notes, and asks: “Is that your final answer.”
At which juncture, they turn around and with the clock ticking on their game, and their money running out, glass him..?
Says Chris: “I did it a few weeks ago. They absolutely wet themselves and spill their beer.”
And then glassed him..?
Posted: 2nd, January 2008 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Malta And Holland Better Than England
“ENGLAND is the most crowded country in Europe – official,” says the Mail.
And readers look at the paper’s “SPACE LEAGUE” and learn that England is less crowed than Malta and Holland, one a holiday resort, the other the place where the world’s most fortunate children live (source: Unicef).
Keep ‘em coming. The Mail is getting ahead of itself – but fingers crowd that one day we really can be Number One…
Me And Benazir Bhutto: Peter McKay Almost Remembers
CONTINUING Anorak’s series Me And Benazir Bhutto, the Mail’s Peter McKay delivers: “Benazir, the girl in the yellow MGB sports car.”
It turns out that McKay does not work for Pakistan’s ministry of information and has been reviewing footage of her death by sunroof, rather the Mail.
McKay remembers the time Bhutto “invited me to speak at the Oxford union… I don’t remember the topic, or the outcome, but she was a pretty, amusing dinner companion, full of fun and laughter”.
Such credentials marked Bhutto out for leadership. And this is not all. She once gave McKay a gift – “some piece of glasswear”.
Great stuff. And should McKay recall the debate or the token of esteem, he has the makings of a pretty good anecdote.
Readers also learn that Bhutto once drove “a bright yellow, open-topped sports car”. Which McKay may see as ironic…
Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Standing Up Is The New Jumping Up And Down
“COULD simply standing up be as good for you as a workout at the gym?” asks the Mail.
Or as bad for you?
When thinking of exercise, the Anorak takes the advice to lie in a darkened room until the urge passes.
But the Mail says the “sheer effort” of standing upright is enough to double the metabolic rate”. Great news. But one Professor Hamilton, of the University of Missouri, says it is not so much the standing up as what you will do when standing, chiefly moving. It is this moving that causes fat to be burned off.
Unless, of course, you are moving to the fridge to retrieve a large slice of cake. In which case the answer to the Mail’s puzzler is “no”.
Look out for in 2008: Could rolling over be as good for you as standing up?; Is begging good for the heart? and Is reading the Mail the new keep-fit…
Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Big Brother Celebrity Hijack
“CELEB BIG BRO CRISIS.”
The Daily Star’s Tabloid New Generator comes up with a story. News is that the new Big Brother series is in “meltdown”. (See Big Brother in chaos.)
This year’s show is called Celebrity Hijack. It features a dozen agonists, “who each have an exceptional talent”. As do we all.
The talent is cajoled by Big Brothers, celebrities of the caliber of Joan Rivers, Christine Hamilton and John McCririck.
The front-page “fear” is that the celebrities will be more entertaining than the contestants.
But such things are best left unplanned.
Indeed, the Star’s headline generator may care to invert the headline and fret about the celebrities being as unentertaining as the contestants…
Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids, TV & Radio | Comments (2)
Newspaper Headlines Of The Year
WHILE other newspapers produce their reviews of the year, so giving their staff a few days off as repeats are aired, the Mail attempts to distill a year’s worth of news into a single headline.
No easy thing, you’d imagine.
But alongside a picture of Madeleine McCann, the front-page headline reads: “Record spate of unwanted pregnancies feared after reckless teenage drinking – NEW YEAR BINGERS’ ABORTION LEGACY.”
Pictures of drunken young females coming soon…
OTHER headlines of the year:
DAILY EXPRESS: “MADELEINE: The Princess Diana I Knew”
DAILY MAIL: “PLAY OUR NEW MRSA SUDOKU GAME”
DAILY STAR: “HE TREATED ME LIKE A PIECE OPF MEAT – Sexsational Pictures inside”
DAILY MIRROR: “GORDON BROWN – A PRAYER FOR EVERY READER”
SUN: “NOW EU BAN BRITISH ROASTS – Footballers Steamed Up”
GUARDIAN: “QUEEN MOTHER WAS AMERICAN SPY”
INDEPENDENT: “WEAR A VEST TO BEAT GLOBAL WARMING AND SAVE THE ARCTIC MARMOSET”
DAILY TELEGRAPH: “Binge drinkers breast cancer link – Are you at risk? Picures of cleavages with appropriate warning rating
TIMES: “DAVID BECKHAM – ‘I’M BACKING OBAMA’”
Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comment (1)
Hollywood Double Acts: Kevin Federline And Paris Hilton
NEWS that Britney Spears is facing “more upset” because her ex-husband K-Ferret is cavorting with Paris Hilton is not all that surprising.
Although the Sun is shocked into placing the story on its Page 3, experienced Hollywood watchers realise that a Hilton-Federline pact was always possible, if not likely.
A review of 2007 tabloid entertainment news, reveals that as many as seven celebrities live in Hollywood, or eight whenever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are apart…
Posted: 31st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (3)
A Christmas Carole: Home Malone
“SO there I was on Christmas morning tearing into my presents wondering what The Husband has come up with this year,” writes the News of the World’s Carole Malone.
“Thank you for the gift of five chickens and a cockerel,” says the note in envelope No. 1. “Thank you for clearing a minefield – 10sq metres is now safe once more thanks to the gift given in you name.”
Malone, who featured on Celebrity Big Brother, is touched at what has been done to those poor Africans in her name.
“And in a society that’s consumed by materialism, that’s increasingly all about Me, Me, Me, and at a time of year when we’re obsessed with ourselves, I thought it was a pretty fantastic thing to do.”
It’s not all about Me, Me, Me. Says Carole Malone, who goes on to say that her mother died before last Christmas, “We were broke every Christmas”, her dad used to work for the electricity board”, I love giving presents etc.
She then says David Beckham is “more than a tad self obsessed”, telling us that The Husband doesn’t care for fashion, “I have one pair of black trousers”, etc…
Posted: 30th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Benazir Bhutto And Me: The Celebrity Leader I Knew
BENAZIR Bhutto is dead. Killed by her car’s sunroof.
Her supporters have sworn vengeance on the makers of her car, the suppliers of the lever which delivered the fatal blow and sunroofs the world over.
Bhutto’s husband says: “She was killed from bullets…no point even to comment on the other stuff.”
Baitullah Mehsud denies any involvement in the murder. “They attack was not launched by us,” says a spokesman for the al-Qaeda warlord. “We are only against America and don’t consider leaders of Pakistan our enemy.”
Amid such confusion we crave clarity. And the News of the World duly calls upon former Celebrity Big Brother star Cleo Rocos to tell us about Bhutto And Me.
“We must have looked an odd couple,” says Rocos. “Me with my flash of red hair and designer clothes, her swathed in headscarf and sunglasses [supermarket own brand].”
Rocos tells us that Bhutto was “full of fun and mischief”. She once confided: “A girl can never have too many tinned tomatoes.” Rocos took her for dinner at the Ivy restaurant. It as Bhutto’s first time. Perhaps it as her last.
“She loved her Cadbury’s Fruit And Nut chocolate and cooking her Baked Alaska using meringues, fruit and piles of ice cream. I’ve got her special recipe.” (Et voila! Le Bombe Surprise, Mr Bond.)
Readers learn that “hauntingly” Bhutto’s political hero was “the assassinated John F. Kennedy”.
He never knew Cleo Rocos. But he did know Marilyn Monroe…
Picture: Rocos faces down a bearded fundamentalist
Posted: 30th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Pigs Sheep Enter Paradise
THE Mail’s “shaggy hog story” centres on a pig that looks like a sheep.
The descendent of the Lincolnshire Curly Coat pig is owned by Tony York, who has christened his “newest and proudest porcine possession” Boris Johnson.
As the Mail notes: “Mr York found the sub-breed thriving in Austria, and brought 17 of the animals back to his Pigs Paradise farm near Stonehenge, Wiltshire, driving a trailer 2,400 miles across Europe to ensure they had regular food and water stops.”
A search on the internet reveals that the Pigs Paradise Farm offers advice on “Pig Housing”, “Books” on pigs and “Meat”.
Says the Pigs Paradise brochure (‘Arbeit Macht Streaky’): “We can supply half and whole pigs. Mouth watering, succulent pork with real ‘crackling’ that doesn’t shrink in the pan, bacon that does not ‘swim out of the pan’ the minute you start to cook it.” It is a Pigs Paradise.
But it is too late for the pig sheep to flee. Where one goes, the others follow. Paradise awaits…
Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (3)
Robbie Williams Can Comeback Now
ROBBIE Williams opens his mouth and gives full throat to Let Meeeee Entertayne Yoo.
This is Robbie’s “revenge”. As the front page of the Star reports Robbie Williams is to embark on a “£150m REVENGE TOUR”. He is to become “the biggest comeback king of all time”. He is to “prove he is bigger than his old band Take That”.
“ROBBIE: I’M BACK..NOW BEAT THAT!”
You only really know a pop act has departed and gone out of favour when they announce their comeback. For Williams to have comeback is to admit that he went away.
Pop fans cling to the hope that The Sweet are just in the studio working on new material, that The Clash have been performing in smaller secret venues for years and Abba are to play at next year’s Eurovision extravaganza.
To thrill at Williams’ comeback is to realise that you have not moved with the times. You still sport Chinese tattoos, wear white vests and body pop.
And you wonder if in your dotage, you and your comrades will be sat in the care home dribbling out a sing-along version of oldie-but-goodie Angels and the timeless Millennium…
Posted: 28th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Chile’s Herald, Tony Blair And Other Catholic Nutters
WITH a delivering his dossier to the priest – “I confess I was too honest, too radical, too daring, too honest, too loving” etc. – the Sun’s Adrian Chiles puts things in perspective.
Says Chiles: “So, our former leader has spent his first Christmas as a Roman Catholic. Oddly enough, so have I.”
Why this should be odd, we are not told. Only: “I became a Catholic last Easter. Be honest, when you read that you started thinking I’m, a bit of a nutter, didn’t you.”
Well, no. Honest. Cross our hearts and hope to die. A nutter is someone who smashes up a church, blows himself up on a crowded train, or converts to Islam or Judaism.
A poll of readers at Anorak Towers reveals that over half think Chiles is just someone wearing his religion on his sleeve, while the other half confesses to not giving a monkey’s if Chiles worships cargo planes, Satan or Gonks.
“And I’m not bothered if anyone thinks I’m barking,” says Chiles. Well, if you’re not bothered, then we can all move on…
Posted: 27th, December 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Abi Nude Year
“BUSTY Abi Titmuss is putting her boobs away – for good.”
So says the Sun in a piece entitled “Titmus boobs to retire”.
Titmuss is the former nurse who rose to prominence as daytime telly presenter John Leslie rose to the challenge on a home movie. Titmuss then had her breasts augmented and took to showing them off.
Now she says: “There’s more to me than just what you see.” Indeed, there is what goes inside, which in this season of Christmas we might call the stuffing. “I’ve grown up a lot.”
Says Abi: “I’m finding something inside myself which is a lot more grounded and spiritual.”
Sounds like Abi’s implants have discovered God…
Posted: 27th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Oil Slick: On The Beach With Paris Hilton And Brandon Davis
GORDON Smart, the Sun’s new showbiz writer, presses F9 on his keyboard and come up with picture of Paris Hilton on the beach.
He presses it again and gives his readers the scoop of two pictures of Paris Hilton on the beach.
Paris is on the beach with sister Nicky, dad Rick, brothers Barron and Conrad and “pals” Brandon and Jason Davis. Brandon and Jason are scions of an oil dynasty.
Bandson is often seen with oily hair – the oil heir – and heard spouting (video) off about famous people he knows. Jason resembles an overfed shorn sheep. Both live on inherited wealth.
Anorak’s friend 14 has produced an artistic representation of the Davis brothers for your interest…
Posted: 27th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Doctor Is In For Britney Spears
“BRITNEY appears to be crazy,” says “a top Hollywood shrink”.
But at rates changed by the half hour, Marty Brenner needs to say more. Or at least rub his chin, narrow his eyes and, possibly, tap a pen on his temples.
Says Brenner, in the New York Post, relayed across the Atlanic by the Sun: “She is disconnected from life. She’s losing it now, and she’s going to eventually lose it altogether if she doesn’t get the help she needs.
And then to show how in tune he is with celebrity culture, Brenner offers: “She’s exhibiting bipolar signs and she’s clearly fighting depression.”
Bi-polar is the No.1 celebrity condition of 2007, and has been linked to global warming, Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy and polar bears.
Twenty-nine minutes into the consultation. Says Brenner: “She has a major problem”…
A major, major, major… MAJOR…problem of major…”
Parp! Time up!
Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
A Guide To Fake Breasts: Bristol Fashion
IN “I want to be huge like Jordan”, Sophie Price, sister to Katie Andre, nee Katie Price, shows Sun readers her knickers and bra.
Sophie is not one to take risks, securing the top of her knickers with a belt. Were Sophie to diversify into camisoles and vests, we imagine she’d tuck the hem into said knickers for added security.
Says Sophie: “I’ve already started looking at places to have my boob job…I’d just like to go a bit bigger, maybe one size up to a C cup. I really like the bullet boob look at the moment.”
Research is all. But until Channel 4 brings us the 100 Best Breasts, a show illustrated in the Daily Telegraph by shots of John Prescott (No, 53), Samantha Fox (24) and Kate Winslet (No. 1), Sophie’s choice is complex.
She professes an interest in the bullets, a hard-tipped breast that comes in a pack of six.
But mistakes can be costly. Today’s cutting-edge breast design is tomorrow’s Hinderburg, Betamax or Simon Cowell. Anorak has put together a list of breasts currently in vogue.
Bristol Fashion:
The Magazine Rack – Fit your rolled up copy of OK! magazine in between your new breasts and leave both hands free
The Kleev Itch – Breasts that say NO to a metric Europe
Hooters – Comedy breasts (see Gazzas) that light up a dull day
Yoob Tube – Breasts best viewed on a four-inch square internet screen
Thrupenny Bits – Discount breasts
Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Brains And Prawn: The Manchester United Cook Book
THE Official Manchester United Bar-B-Q cook book has yet to hit the shelves.And if the club’s manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, has anything to do with it fans will have to make do with their prawn sandwiches and other non-roasted fare for some years to come.
The Sun reports that United have been banned from partying, even if they win the Premier League.
Says the Sun: “A title victory in May will be greeted with the normal on-pitch celebrations with champagne among family and friends.”
Of course, this would be United’s tenth Premiership title. Habit dilutes the thrill. And we should not expect such sobriety from other less successful clubs for whom the thrill would be total.
Indeed, should West Ham United win the title the family do, involving Lee Bowyer, Lucas Neil and Kieron Dyer, could descend into fisticuffs before the PA puts Bary White on the turntable and the staff of Romford’s Chittychittybangbang Nite Venue make full use of the corner flags…
Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Amy Winehouse Headline Maker
“AMY WINEHOUSE’S hubby is using a smuggled phone to make illegal calls from jail,” reports the Sun.
No-one likes a grass. But Amy Winehouse has forced the paper’s hand. Other headlines were in the offing for the Winehouse Christmas but the day passed without incident.
So the paper’s Gordon Smart pressed F9 on his keyboard and came up with a headline – “Amy’s husband has cell phone” – and then set about finding the story.
Other headlines prayed for but not used:
“Amy’s white out Christmas” – Winehouse flight delayed by fog
“Mistletoe and Winehouse” – Cliff Richard prays for Amy
“Mullered Winehouse” – Amy enjoys a Christmas drink
And many more – your suggestions please…
Posted: 26th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Micah Richards And Manchester United Christmas Cook Up
MICAH Richards faces a “grilling” says the Sun. This follows Sunday’s news that he “spit roasted” a girl in a disabled toilet cubicle.
And this after the story that three Manchester United players “roasted” a girl at the club’s office do, where women were treated like “pieces of meat”.
Not since Graeme Le Saux’s pancakes a la mode lit up the Celebrity Masterchef kitchen have footballers been so enamoured by cooking.
A book is surely in the offing…
Other famous footballing cooks: Delia Smith (Norwich City owner, pictured), Gordon Ramsay (Glasgow Rangers) and Nigella Lawson (Arsenal)…
Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comment
Pickled Faggots: Shane McGowan Is Alive
IS Shane McGowan still alive? He is, although it is not immediately obvious.
The Mirror produces a picture of Shane collapsed on a hotel bed, a bottle of something yellowy in one hand, yesterday’s clothes still on and eyes closed. (Shane was educated at Westminster school. He was ever the public school boy.)
Tomorrow is McGowan’s 50th birthday. Born on Christmas Day, McGowan shares a birthday with Isaac Newton, Humphrey Bogart and Jesus.
And unlike them he is alive. To prove it McGowan takes a slug from the bottle and tells us: “To be honest, I never thought too much about getting to 50. But if everybody is making a bet that you are going to die at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon you just tend to think, ‘Fuck it, I’m not going to die as long as those fuckers are alive.”
McGowan is kept alive on a pickling process of two parts belligerence to one part retsina, and any other flammable liquids.
And there is another reason Shane is in the news. It’s not just that it’s his birthday, he’s having his teeth done to ”stop my face falling apart” and he’s living a journalist’s dream life, but that his song Fairy Tale of New York is in the charts once more.
McGowan rose to prominence as front man of the Pogues, successful “Because we weren’t a faggot and a guy with a synthesiser”. He later insisted: “I’ve got nothing against faggots.”
And he should not. Faggots have helped make his Christmas song a hit once again. The tune features the line “You scumbag, you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot”.
The BBC decided that upon hearing the word “faggot”, listeners would be driven mad and find cause to beat seven shades of the black stuff from anyone who’d ever heard of the Pet Shop Boys.
And thanks to the BBC’s control freakery, the songs been in the news, and Shane should earn some more money in royalties and remain in the style to which he has become almost enviably accustomed…
Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment (1)
X-Rated X Factor’s Sex Hell X-Clusive
WITH the world going potty for reality TV show winner Leon Lewis, the Sport looks at the woman who came fourth in TV’s X Factor.
But fame for NIKI EVANS has come at a price. In “X FACTOR NIKI SEX STALKER HELL,” NIKI EVANS tells us: “He writes to me quite a bit, fantasising about what we could do together sexually, the notes are very, very sexy and extremely graphic – to the point where I have to read them a couple of time to understand what he’s going on about.”
We feel her pain. Does she have the letters to hand?
But NIKI EVANS says she is not worried about her “STALKER HELL” because “I doubt he could find me”. So says the “ex-dinner lady from Polesworth, Staffs”, married to “Darren”…
Posted: 24th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Amy Winehouse Does Bryan Adams’ Cold Turkey
IT’S tuning into a terrific Christmas with Amy Winehouse and family.
As we join in another verse of The Amy And The Priory, the Sun notes that Bryan Adams is the latest pop star to take note of the publicity Amy is enjoying (surely enduring, ed) and offer to help.
“Amy has been invited to Mustique to stay with Bryan Adams,” says a friend. “He is keen to help her.”
And it won’t be a table for two, but one for three. As the Sun says, Mick Jagger has a home on the island. Says the friend: “Mick could join them. He has also said he wants to help Amy.”
“GO GO GO!” orders the Mirror. No, not to the Caribbean, but to prison to see Amy’s one man chartered surveying firm Blake Fielder-Civil.
Says Blake’s mum Georgette: “When Amy’s out all night, she can’t get up the next day and keeps missing prison visits…I have to ring her sometimes six time a day to remind her to get up, get washed and get over there.”
Indeed. Given that news, the daily quotes from Amy’s father Mitch and that open letter from her mum it’s not hard to see Winehouse enjoying a Christmas lunch with Jagger and Adams.
Pass the cold turkey, lads…
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Jamal El-Banna Returns From Guantanamo Bay Health Camp
JAMIL el-Banna is freed from Guantanamo Bay and attracting interest in the Mirror.
Says his lawyer: “He looks like Santa Claus because of what he has been through.”
Santa is a fat, jolly, ruddy-cheeked man. If this is what Guantanamo Bay does to you look out for it being reclassified as a health farm…
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Tabloids | Comments (6)
