Tabloids Category
The news as told by the UK’s tabloid press – The Sun, Daily Express, Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily Star and News of the World.
Gordon Brown’s X Factor For Rhydian
“X FACTOR OFFICIAL INQUIRY – Now PM orders quiz into probe vote row*.”
Gordon Brown has sent a “personal letter” (Star) to the Welsh singer Rhydian. For purposes of identification, and national pride, Gordon Brown is as Scots as X Factor winner Leon Jackson and Rhydian is Welsh.
Dear [insert name here] “I see great talent being given a chance to develop itself,” says Gordon.
It is in no way thanks to Gordon Brown’s premiership that talent can evolve on its own. Gordon might have created a culture in which Welsh reality TV singers can dream of success and make a real fist at achieving it. But this is Rhydian’s time.
Should Rhydian wish to thank Mr Brown for his letter then he is free and able to do it in this democratic land watched over by a benign Gordon Brown.
As Gordon Brown says… (continues until General Election)
*Or not.
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Manchester United’s Christmas Roast: Cocks Of The North
“THREE MAN U STARS ROASTED GIRL No.2,” announces the Sun’s front-page headline.
“Get in there,” shouts the crowd as the lads got stuck in to the game bird. “Well done son,” come the words of encouragement.
“You don’t know what you’re doing,” chant more. “Keep it up,” extol others. “We are United the cocks of the North,” goes the rousing tune from the terrace at Manchester’s Great John Street Hotel.
John Evans, Manchester United’s “sex-scandal soccer star” denies raping a woman at the club’s Christmas do. But while that matter continues to be investigated the Sun hears a “sickened party guest” describe the moaning and groaning coming from an upstairs room.
A “pretty” girl, “19” is having sex with five or six men, “including three United players”.
Says the girl, now emerged from the room: “They said I was a great shag.”
A “thank you”, “best wishes” scrawled on a souvenir napkin or a firm handshake would have sufficed but these day players are versed in media training and now that there image is important. They go the extra yard.
Indeed, the Sun looks on as the United “stars” visit a hospital. Not for themselves and a nasty itch, but to meet sick children.
Not sick and perverted. But really ill…
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Prince Edward Names Baby
EDWARD Wessex and his blonde Sophie cradle their knockout newborn son and show him off to the world. “Beaming Sophie” (Express) and “delighted” Eddie (Mail) could not be happier.
All that remains is to choose a name. Viscount Severn will open doors, but bookmakers tell the Mail the “most likely” choice is Archie at 8-1. The Express agrees and says it’s James at 3-1.
The top 10 candidates are as follows:
1. Mohammed
2. RJH Public Relations
3. Mini-Series
4. Mazher Mahmood
5. My Edward’s Not Gay
6. Rover
7. Ardent
8. Edward Formerly-Known-As-Prince
9. Joker
10. Jules
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comment (1)
Gilding The Lily Allen
TODAY’S Lily Allen comes via the Mirror’s 3AM girls (now reduced to just two in number).
Readers see a picture of Lily’s fingers and an array of Argos rings.
The 3AM girls wonder if one of these trinkets is an engagement ring, supplied to Lily by her lover Ed Simons.
Hard to say, not only for us but also for the Mirror’s showbiz experts. All we can advise is that they watch this space and check Lily’s fingers for signs of rust and toxic shock…
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Crapello: Learning English With Fabio Capello
FABIO Capello is now well on his way to becoming Fabio Crap-ello the man who brought down English football and scarred a nation – for ever!
And that could mean trouble for Michael McElinney, who is now Capello’s official look-alike.
Capello impersonators can earn up to £350 a time, says the Express in a piece entitled “Absolutely Fabio-lous”.
Says McElinney: “I don’t speak a world of Italian but if Mr Capello is going to learn English in a month who is to say I can’t learn it?”
Well, not we who have been boning up on our Itanglish or Englaly. Key phrase to look out for: “We cannot pasta the ball”, “Eye-Tai (should England play Thailand), “Eye-Tie” (a draw) capo” and “E IO Adio”…
Posted: 21st, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Amy Winehouse Chews Over A Spell On Remand
MORE signs that the police are obsessed by celebrity in news on Amy Winehouse.In a piece in which the Sun’s new showbiz writer Gordon ‘Prime Minister of Showbiz’ Smart says “prisoners are very protective of their women”, he hears “pals” wonder if Winehouse was arrested because they wanted to get a sample for her DNA.
As one “mate” says: “In the raid they reckon they found gum with coke in it. But to do a DNA test they need to arrest you.”
Can it be that when police smashed down the door of the Winehouse residence (see pictures in all papers) they were not looking for evidence of her husband’s alleged role in a plot to pervert the course of justice but a dabble of cocaine?
Did the cops seize a piece of chewing gum believed to have been chewed by Winehouse, not because they are celebrity potty and wanted souvenir of their night out but because they were gathering evidence?
Over in the Express, readers get the headline: “Amy’s mission ‘to get herself locked up’.” Can we thus expect to see the winger hawking mashed up bits of chewing gum on street corner, or lobbing them at police cars?
One thing we do know for certain: if Winehouse does go to remand it will be in an open-topped Black Maria surrounded by grinning, media friendly policemen…
Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Hillary Clinton Faces Down Her Daily Mail Critics
“BATTLE LINES are dawn for Hillary,” said the Mail yesterday, words illustrated by a photograph of Hillary Clinton.
The Mail spots “deep furrows” in her brow, “eyelids drooped” and “the lattice of lines around her eyes and mouth”.
And this “just three weeks before the first crucial vote in Iowa on January 3.”
And here’s Steven Glover in today’s Mail: “Blair and the terrible lessons of choosing politicians for their looks.”
Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Politicians, Tabloids | Comment
Jesus Christ Was A Celebrity: Danielle Lloyd’s Wondering Star
DID Jesus have the X Factor?
No one attracts celebrities like Jesus. And today Star readers spot Danielle Lloyd telling Star readers how she’s going to celebrate the birth of A-lister Jesus Christ.
Dressed as Jesus would have been at the moment of his birth, albeit with a thong and fluffy hat to keep out the chill (it’s a lot warmer in Bethlehem, folks), Danielle says she is seeing her footballer on Christmas Day.
Lloyd tells us that the OK! Christmas party was “great”. But she won’t be eating too much over Christmas, even if gravy can stain your skin a light browny orange. Danielle has a fitness DVD coming out.
Keep fit with Danny by pulling on a G-string, standing in a chilly photographer’s studio and flapping your arms about, dashing along a pavement to Messers Nip ‘n’ Tuck’s offices, and chasing footballer’s cars…
Amen
Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Back pages, Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Celebrity Christmas With The Geldofs
CELEBRITY Christmas with the Bob Geldofs.
Says Peaches Geldof in the Sun: “At Christmas dinner if I leave something on my plate he goes, ‘Peaches, remember the f***ing Africans…”
At grandpa’s house this Christmas: “My dad will be there, drunk on wine, spewing about the past and singing couple of Boomtown Rats hits while I cry in the corner.”
Can you feel sorry for the precocious Peaches?
Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Michael Jackson: Post Its From The Edge
IS that Michael Jackson on the Mirror’s front page?
Recognising someone whose face really does change in the wind, and often gets stuck, is no easy thing.
I recall a trip to a Rod Stewart concert. Rod kicked footballs into the crowd and crowed. But a look around the stadium at all the shaggy blonde heads and leggings in the seats encouraged thoughts that the figure on stage was an impostor and the real Rod was taking time out to enjoy himself, literally.
Rod, of course, always looks the same. His is a look that can be purchased in any costumiers and joke shop. Jackson is a far trickier thing, requiring imagination and skill with plastercine and clay.
But the Mirror seems certain it is Jackson. As it writes on its front page: “ELASTO JACKO – Shambling round a book shop, his face covered in plasters, what has happened to the one-time King of Pop?”
Readers will see what the Mirror calls “half a dozen plasters” stuck to his face. “Sticko Jacos,” says the Sun’s front-page headline. Jackson is the Mail’s “plaster of disguise”. But what if these flaps are his face?
Looking at Jackson, you may call to mind Ming Campbell, former leader of the LibDems. At a party conference a cardboard effigy of the great man was erected and delegates invited to stick on Post It notes, each one containing an idea what would make the LibDems might once more.
Might this be Jackson executing a similar marketing plot, asking for suggestions as to what his next face should look like? And if you can make room for five lips, seventeen noses, four cheek bones and every shade of white and brown, so much the better…
Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (6)
Credit Card Charges Slashed And EU Moves Christmas To June 2008
“CREDIT CARD CHARGES SLASHED,” says the Mail’s front page.
But the story is not about the cost of credit cards to users who fail to pay their balance in full. You need to read on to discover that the reduced costs are on for shops who accept payment by credit and debit cards.
Shops pay some of their revenues to the credit card companies for processing the transactions. To cover the cost, shops put their prices up.
And the headline making “SLASHED” costs might not come into force. The EU ruling relates to card authorisation charges “imposed on customers travelling to other EU member states”. The likes of Mastercard have been given six months to comply.
Says Brussels Competition Commissioner Neelie Koes, it’s “an early Christmas present to consumers”
British consumers should reap the benefits sometime in June, when they buy their groceries in Spain…
Hurrah!
Picture: Gawd Beless The EU – Poldraw
Lily Allen’s One A Day Headline Maker
ONE day on from Lily Allen’s pregnancy announcement, the Express produces its daily picture of the singer and finds no need to comment on what Lily’s said, Lily’s family or Lily’s weight. No small miracle.
Instead we are invited to observe Lily’s lit cigarette and heed an onlooker say: “Presumably she knew she was pregnant then – so let’s hope she has packed in the evil weed by now.”
Look out for Lily smoking one cigarette a day from now until little Argos is born…
Posted: 20th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
It’s Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas
THIS is what Christmas is all about. In “Gridlock Britain” the Express says motorists should prepare for “chaos” this Christmas.
Such is the traffic nightmare you should have embarked on your Christmas hols last January, or bought a flying sleigh like that migrant worker Santa.
Traffic chaos is as much as vital a part of Christmas as flatulence, celebrity keep-fit DVDs and tales of footballers’ excess at their seasonal dos.
It’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas
Nuns Save Britney Spears
“BRITISH nuns have vowed to save troubled Britney Spears.”
The news gets only more fantastic when the Daily Star says that these nuns have chosen “us to be the angels of deliverance by passing on the message”.
The “us” are the Star’s “THE goss girls”, who readers might expect to illustrate this news dressed up as naughty nuns, Hen Night angels and Britney Spears in her schoolgirl years.
They don’t. But they might…
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (4)
Old Nazi Eric Steidtmann Is Nostalgic For The War
ERIC Steidtmann “is a former SS officer who committed mass murder in the war”.
So reports the Sun, which shows a young Herr Steidtmann stood among a group of men in feldgrau. He is made more identifiable by the epithet “evil” and large circle being placed about his head, like a noose.
The confession is rooted in a book written by Lisi Urban, an autobiography in which she tells of her affair with a German Army captain in Prague 1942. To the syncopated backbeat of firing squad, boots on cobbles and Songs of the Antichrist, she fell pregnant. There was talk of marriage. But then the German jilted her and married another woman.
Urban named the soldier Captain Eike. But Steidtmann believed the man was him and launched a libel action to have it proved so.
He wants the records to be correct. So the book’s publishers investigated and discovered that Steidtmann was a German tasked with exterminating the Warsaw ghetto in 1943.
We should thank Steidtmann for his owning up. It is ever harder to spot a bona fide Nazi these days. While old British fighters will be only too happy to turn a yarn about HMS Amethyst and their gallantry and suffering, German ex-soldiers either have to pretend to have spent their youth operating as resistance operatives, disguised as a tree or writing the libretto for the Sound of Music.
Of course, if guilty Herr Steidtmann should be taken from this place made to dig his own grave and watch his children raped and then shot. We can surely indulge an old man this moment of nostalgia…
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comment
Celebrity Policing With Amy Winehouse
AMY Winehouse has been arrested in connection with an investigation into claims that her husband Blake perverted the course of justice.
And that means more words from Mitch Winehouse, Amy’s father who appears to be her spokesperson but remains forever billed as a cab driver. Mouthpiece- Cabbie might well be a new conjoined career, like Model-Actress and Celebrity-Judge.
Mitch tells the Star: “My main concern is my daughter’s welfare.”
Mitch tells the Mail: “Obviously we’ll have to wait and see what police plan to do next, but as for Amy being arrested, it is all above board and she is merely helping in any way she can.”
Always good to help the police. It was the singer Myleene Klass who told us: “It takes a great degree of determination and dedication to police our streets.” Said fellow chanteuse Katie Melua: “I’d have loved to have been a police officer, when I was younger other than being a songwriter it was my dream job. It’s so important for the public to feel safe on the streets.”
Celebrities who want to be police. And police who arrest Winehouse and then tell us that she not been charged.
As Mick Hume wrote: “It seems that the authorities are developing a habit of trying to use celebrities as ‘reverse role models’, holding them up as examples of the social ills against which the police must protect the nation’s youth.”
Pete Doherty epitomises the kind of thing the police have to face. So too Winehouse, who the Sun says is screaming and crying as she is arrested. It’s the kind of thing police fans can see on any number fo TV shows, like ‘Police Stop’, ‘Scum Bus’ and ‘Look Out For The Stairs, Sambo’.
Only this one’s got special guest stars…
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
A Bit Parky For Judi Dench
JUDI Dench is on the Michael Parkinson show. As ever with Dame Dench there is drama: her cardigan has fallen open.
How do you follow Mohammed Ali mouthing off, a lifetime of Billy Connolly anecdotes and being attacked by Rod Hull’s Emu?
Such was the concern in the Parkinson’s production office. One idea was for Ant ‘n’ Dec to recreate the Top Ten Parkinson moments, with music by the Billy Connolly All Stars dressed up as emus.
But no need. Here comes Dench, proving that when it come to flashing royals she is every bit the equal of Queen Helen Mirren and Sophie Wessex.
Notes the Mail: “On show was not only her fishnet bodystocking and black bra, but also five inches of soft tummy.”
The Mail notes that the moment has “echoes of Judy Finnegan’s appearance at the National Television Awards” when her top opened and TV’s John Leslie, later to become embroiled in a sex tape shaming, stepped forward to hide the sight from view, a move many commentators found ageist.
It is clear that Dench should play Finnegan in the biopic of the queen of daytime telly. And if Parkinson can play Finnegan’s TV partner Richard Madeley, we have a fitting and salting tribute to Parkinson’s career…
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
The Ex-Factor: How Leon Jackson Ended Reality TV Singing
LEON Jackson is the nation’s “newest star”. So says the Mirror of the winner of TV’s X Factor talent show.
The Sun says Jackson is a “character waiting to bust out of his shell”.
In “LEON: I’ll be the 2008 Caner of the Year,” the Sun’s Gordon Smart says Jackson drinks vodka and Redbull, is a “lager monster” and “has even sampled the devil’s brew Buckfast”.
The paper is banking on a drunken Jackson being more talented than his weepy sober pre-celebrity self. Jackson’s adventures with drink will make him a victim, and better able to be broken on the wheel of the tabloids. Given his singing style, we expect Jackson Hic-Ups Motown to be in the shops in time for Easter.
For now, the main story circling Jackson’s head is that he should not have won the show.
The Mail says 1,500 viewers have complained about the X Factor result. (*A study by the Anorak Foundation of Institutionalised X-Factor (AFIX) found that voters on TV phone votes are 26 times more likely to complain via the phone.)
Rhydian Roberts, the kind of act you see presenting Finland on Eurovision night, finished the show in second place. His supporters are complaining that phone lines were jammed and their votes unrecorded. The Mail’s Allison Pearson uses the full might of her column to talk of the “travesty” of Rhydian’s lost votes. How did he lose to the “tone-deaf” Jackson?
In the Star, Rhydian has “snubbed” the X Factor after show party. Readers hear the words “stitched up”, “fixed” and “pinch of salt”.
ITV counters the allegations by saying that Jackson won by a “10 per cent margin”. How many votes that is we aren’t told. It might be six, two or a hundred. If it were hundreds of thousands, ITV would most like tell us, bragging about it, even.
But they don’t. And the real story might not be that Leon Jackson is the latest karaoke singer to make it big, but that he will be the last…
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (11)
Man Sentenced To Remain In Someone Else’s Home
SHANE Sims has been convicted of two assaults. He has now breached a probation order and fitted with an electronic tag.
He should not move from his home. But it’s not his home he’s in. It’s the Bristol residence of Glenda and Robert Cole. Sims told the court he lived at the address.
“It’s a disgrace,” says Mrs Cole. “They’ve let a criminal come into our home and there is nothing we can do about it. Who needs to break into a house when the courts will do it for you?”
So Sims does not live at the address. But he has to remain in situ on pain of law. Says Glenda: “He’s taken over the whole place. He sprawls across the sofa and he’s always in the bathroom.” Says Local MP Roger Berry: “It’s scandalous.”
The Probation Service is looking into the matter.
And meanwhile a compromise of sorts has been reached as Sims and the Coles share the sofa, each sitting upright and offering half smiles to the Mirror’s cameraman…
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Strange But True, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Lily Allen’s Baby Argos
ENCOURAGING news from the world of celebrity where Lily Allen is pregnant.
Having almost exhausted ways to talk about Lily’s weight and health, and fearful of repeating puns based on her one big hit Smile, showbiz writers were searching for something new.
Lily could “hit out” at Noel Edmonds, as she has already hit out at Victoria Beckham, Courtney Love, the music industry, Libertines fans, Lindsay Lohan and more.
But now she is pregnant we can look forward to reading about Lily’s pregnancy, debating the merits of calling a boy Argos, deliberating Lily’s post-pregnancy weight and hearing her new song, Smile – Baby Blues mix…
At worst I feel bad for awhile/ But then I just smile…
Picture: The Spine
Posted: 19th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Work Out Who Was Missing From Danielle Lloyd’s Party
EVERYONE who was anyone and wanted to be there was at Danielle Lloyd’s birthday party, a Tarts and Pimps do “to celebrate her 24th year of sauciness”.
While Anorak readers wonder at how wrong it is call a two or three-year-old saucy, Danielle squashes on her birthday suit, with additional tailoring by Messer Nip ‘n’ Tuck and a black basque.
It has all the making of a terrific night. Danielle poses for pictures with three of her guests, the Star’s rent-a-crowd “THE goss” girls, Eeeny, Miney and Mo.
Danielle poses with her current footballer not once but TWICE. Danielle stands before five firemen who won a Daily Star competition.
Danielle’s mum is there. Her footballer’s mum is there. And also there is one of Danielle’s former footballers with a “brunette”.
Lest readers think that this is sum of Danielle’s pals, the Star makes mention of Big Brother’s boil-washed Vanessa Feltz Nikki Grahame.
All that remains is to join the THE goss girls in working out which celebrity “swerved the bash”. And, remember, Nikki Grahame is already there…
Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Ricky Hatton’s Mum Counts Out Tom Cruise, Sly Stallone And Tom Jones
THE Mail likes nothing better than showing its readers celebrities’ warts and all – featuring sinews, veins and scars.
Today the paper meets Carol Hatton, famous for being mother to boxer Ricky Hatton (“his name’s Richard”), drinking neat vodka from a water bottle at ringside and now giving Mail readers an invaluable insight into “very tiny” Tom Cruise.
And Tom Jones? “I might have chucked my knickers at him 50 years ago, but not now,” says Mrs Hatton. And in 1957 Jones might have caught them and not become ensnared and sent parachuting into the auditorium as the audience participated in a gusty clap-along.
Mrs Hatton is 53, making her a toddler fifty years ago, and as likely to toss a filled nappy as a G-string at Jones.
Mrs Hatton spots Angelina Jolie, who has “carried the WeightWatchers look a bit too far”.
She says of Sly Stallone: “Well, I wouldn’t say he’s ugly. He had the jet-black dyed hair and the wide-open eyes, but its just another life over here. They concentrate so much on their looks.”
A bit like the Mail…
Anyone else see a regular slot in the paper for Mrs Hatton –
Will Young Is A K***: An Anorak Reader Challenge
THE Anorak likes to think of itself as well versed in the street vernacular. But the Mirror’s news on Will Young intrigues and challenges.
In “Young’s full of bad Will” the paper hears BBC Radio1 DJ Scott Mills accuse the singer of “committing one of showbiz’s cardinal sins”.
Did Will not show “’nuff respect” to a fellow artiste? In the course of a stage show did Young shout “I love you Bournemouth” when playing Bridlington? Or when challenged to offer his views on global warming and African debt did Will forgo the chance to repeat the popstar mantra about how bad and wrong it is and instead offer “I have no idea about any of it and think it best left to politicans to sort out”?
None of those. It is said that Young did fail to sign autographs for his young fans. Says Mills: “Will used to be a nice bloke. I don’t know who he’s been handing out with, but know he’s just a k***.”
Can you fill in the missing letters and tell us what Young is? K ***?
Answers to the usual address…
Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comments (2)
Waiting For Pamela Anderson’s Stolen Moments
SOME tabloid stories repeat every day – Madeleine McCann, Princess Diana, immigrants give you cancer – whereas others come round once a year – Christmas cancelled, Anthea Turner’s comeback, Pamela Anderson to divorce, and the equally efficient Pamela Anderson to marry.
The Sun brings news that Anderson is divorcing hubby Rick Saloman after “just” 72 days of marriage.
The ex Baywatch babe, 40, cited “irreconcilable differences” in court papers.
It is a quick Hollywood marriage, for certain. But not the fastest, beaten by Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander (55 hours) and the marriage of Anderson’s fellow Baywatch floatation device Carmen Electra to Dennis Rodman. Although it sets a new record for Pammy, who divorced her husband Mr Kid Rock after 115 days.
The wonder now is if she can better 72 days, and should she try to?
On Thursday, Anderson wrote on her blog: “But no regrets — Just living such a huge dream….I’m blessed. So many options.”
For options read men. What is a girl to do. By our estimations, should Anderson live to be three score years and ten she will, at current rates, have time for over 150 husbands.
Of course, she only needs to muster 30 to secure the proscribed one divorce and one marriage per year.
Anything more would be a bonus…
(Watch out for the Anderson-Saloman stolen home movie coming to a box of tissues near you!)
Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Celebrities, Tabloids | Comment
Prince Edward Is Reproduced
IT is Prince Edward on the Daily Mail’s front page.
Hard to spot, admittedly, with no baseball cap and not being dressed up as a root vegetable for a game of knockabout fun on It’s A Knockout, but that is the The Weed In Tweed alright, the royal who makes living filming his immediate family members and their homes.
The news is that not only has Eddie been spotted but that he is now reproduced. He and his wife Sophie Essex have given birth to boy, a second child.
Stood by a hospital and drawing on hi experience in theatre, Eddie says the new child is “cute and cuddly”.
The image would only be improved upon were Eddie to be delivering his tribute to mother and baby while clutching a teddy, preferably one of his own…
Posted: 18th, December 2007 | In: Royal Family, Tabloids | Comments (3)
